How to communicate with elderly parents: 30 wise tips

From this article you will learn:

Why do you need to know how to communicate correctly with elderly parents?
What you need to consider to understand how to communicate with elderly parents
What are the rules for communicating with elderly parents?

Older people are known to become unimportant conversationalists over time. They often forget something, become rude, sometimes act out, or behave inappropriately in public - not as they usually do. In this case, the question always arises: how to communicate with elderly parents? The situation is especially difficult when you do not have ready-made solutions. If so, you are not in vain reading these lines. In our article we will tell you how to communicate with an elderly person and how to get rid of your problem.

Why you need to understand how to communicate correctly with elderly parents

Everyone has their own life. Some are forced to live with their wife’s or husband’s elderly parents, while others put up with the aging of their loved ones. And if you still can’t find a common language with them, then it’s time to think: why is this happening, why don’t elderly parents want to communicate with you?

Children grow up and become adults. This is inevitable, however, as is the conflict that arises. On the one hand, we still love our elderly parents, on the other hand, they begin to irritate us with their behavior and sometimes react inappropriately. I would like to visit them more often, but I don’t have time. They get offended by all sorts of little things, and it makes us feel even worse.

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What difficulties do older parents and their adult children most often face? What prevents them from communicating normally?

The feeling of anxiety in an elderly person is always at its limit - he worries about literally everything that happens around him. And that’s why he wants to talk about these topics. Yes, it is extremely rare that such behavior of an elderly person makes sense. Most often it is associated with an increased number of diseases.
Almost all elderly people believe that they have been abandoned. Sons and daughters are their only salvation; they can always communicate with them. For an elderly person, seeing and talking to them means living, enjoying their victories and achievements, and having at least some relation to everything that happens outside the walls of the house. However, we are so limited in free time that this seems a logical justification for the reasons why we did not dial the number of our elderly mother yesterday or did not visit our “ancestors” on the weekend, or stopped communicating for a while.
Previously, your parents spent a lot of time with you, took care of the children, and controlled your every move. And now everything has changed. You are no longer in 7th grade and should not communicate about your academic progress. But it’s difficult for elderly parents to accept this; they continue to care for them. This concern begins to make you nervous, and as a result, discomfort appears and conflict arises.
An important point is that before retirement, your elderly parents could communicate a lot with colleagues, friends, and acquaintances. Now they hardly leave the house. The result is that disturbing and negative thoughts appear, the elderly person begins to get angry and suspect all the sins of those around him. All this pours out on those who are nearby - on you.
Forgetfulness. Distracted attention is a standard situation in old age. Your elderly parents are increasingly beginning to forget names, leave lights or water on in the bathroom, and sometimes cannot remember where they live. But not everyone can calmly react to this. Moreover, not everyone is ready to help elderly parents solve this problem. Communicating in this case is almost useless; you need to control them.
Old people are vulnerable. Due to physiological and age-related changes, older people inadequately evaluate criticism addressed to them, some minor comments regarding their behavior or appearance. Even the smallest remark can develop into hysteria and a bunch of mutual accusations. But children also cannot hide their emotions - without understanding the reasons for such a reaction, they begin to support the conflict, raise their voices at the elderly parent, and blame him. So it turns out that any accidentally dropped word develops into quarrels and years of silence. You need to communicate with the elderly with extreme restraint and watch your words.
It is better to live separately from elderly parents. After all, you have a spouse, your own children, therefore, on the one hand, it is simply necessary that your parents allow you to live your life, make certain decisions on your own. On the other hand, you shouldn't distance yourself from your elderly parents. A separate roof over your head is one thing, but a reduction in communication is quite another. Elderly parents still need your support and the feeling that you are nearby.
To your parents, you will forever remain a child. This is how a person works: he will take care of his offspring until his last days, he will speak in the same phrases as before, although often we no longer listen to their advice and complaints. You already know what jacket to wear, how to communicate, or where not to buy groceries. But the desire to help the child is so great that elderly parents will take you out of your comfort zone with their remarks. It's useless to be angry, you can't change it.
Old people get sick often. Elderly people are losing their health day by day. And if previously they had free control of their body and could do everything on their own, now long distances, steps or weights are huge problems of old age, which only you can help solve. Knowing this, your parents more and more often, when you come to them and start communicating, spend hours telling you about ailments, diseases and, in principle, poor health. And we perceive this as meaningless complaints of an elderly person, not worth attention.
Children and old people. For some reason you think that your elderly parents are obligated to take care of their grandchildren. As if they should sit with them, communicate, regardless of circumstances or plans. Using elderly parents in this way leads to misunderstandings. On the one hand, you torment the grandmother with your demands (“Mom, you’re a grandmother! Spend time with your grandson, you need to communicate with him!”). On the other hand, an older woman begins to get angry and express dissatisfaction when she comes to spend time with your children. Another option is that she is not raising the child the way you would like. As a result, a conflict situation arises in which not only your elderly parents are involved, but also your children. And if you do not discuss this topic, you can achieve negative consequences.
Elderly people are hostile to all modern trends and trends. They constantly criticize what you buy, do, and say. They only like Soviet films, a broom instead of a powerful vacuum cleaner, communicating on a landline phone, not a flat-screen TV or a mobile phone with buttons. Changing the preferences of elderly parents will not work. Habit and difficulty in retraining oneself become the main features of any aged person.
In old age, your parents begin to talk more often about their own death. When you hear about this, you get nervous and demand that you stop bringing up the topic of doomsday. But the main thing to know is that older parents are not doing this to scare you. This is completely different. Thinking about death and calmly accepting its approach is the norm for older people. Because dying becomes less scary for them, they talk about it, even when they themselves don’t want to talk about these topics. Plus, the elderly are concerned about how the child will live without them, so they try to foresee all possible difficulties or scenarios for the development of events after their death.
Elderly parents' moods are constantly changing. For this reason, it can be extremely difficult to predict the reaction or words. Today an elderly person communicates calmly, but tomorrow he can just “throw up” a scandal. Sudden changes in mental state are an effect caused by hormonal surges that are inherent in the body of an elderly person.

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No need to expect pleasure from communication

Elderly parents are no longer the people who will tell you about the new products of this world. More often, communication with them comes down to grumbling, complaints about health, about life, about prices; they constantly complain about how good everything was before, but now everything is not so. It is difficult to expect anything else from a person who crosses the threshold of his home into society less and less often. But it is important for him to speak out and be listened to, it is important to understand that someone still needs him.

It is difficult to expect pleasure from such conversations, but you can get it from your efforts: from the ability to restrain anger, not to get angry, not to respond to reproaches, to listen, to ask the right questions that will help the parent open up and trust you.

Want to know how to communicate with elderly parents? Find out the reasons for their dissatisfaction!

The mental state of any person depends mainly on his socialization, on how he knows how to communicate with other people. When it comes to older adults, there are a few things to be aware of.

The World Health Organization and gerontologists identify three categories into which your parents can be classified. The first is the elderly (from 60 to 74 years), the second is old people (from 75 to 90), the third is long-livers (over 90 years).

Let's figure it out. What determines their behavior?

Reason #1. The physiology of an elderly person is designed in such a way that every day he begins to feel worse and worse. As a result, low self-esteem and a feeling of dissatisfaction with oneself appear. The desire to communicate, to learn something new, to rejoice, to feel disappears. As a result, an elderly person closes off from the outside world, begins to think negatively and gradually becomes a hypochondriac.

At the same time, in old age, nerve fibers are depleted, changes occur in brain activity, the processes of perception and processing of information deteriorate, problems appear in the verbal formulation of thoughts, and the body’s reactions are poorly controlled. This makes communicating with parents difficult. Elderly people so often, when talking about something specific, are distracted by related stories, losing the main thread of the story, and begin to talk about completely different topics.

But there is also a downside - elderly parents themselves often get tired of the dialogues. From time to time they avoid meeting with other people, preferring not to communicate, remain silent, or do something else.

Reason #2. Usually nothing special happens in the life of an elderly person. There are very few events, none of them are new, but at the same time they make up the life of the elderly to the maximum extent possible. Communicating for older people is the same as living. And that is why they perceive stories about trips to the store or stories from the lives of neighbors as something important, but we see it as something completely insignificant.

That's why, if you're going to suddenly drop by your elderly parents, at least warn them about it by phone. They need to be mentally prepared even for such an event, otherwise you risk creating a stressful situation. Your visit may disrupt the plans of an elderly father or mother. In this case, a scandal may occur - after all, people, due to their physiology, need a clearly defined daily routine. Your elderly parents did not plan to communicate with you. Meanwhile, the routine allows them to think that everything in life is under their control, so they feel more comfortable and calm.

Reason #3. Older people perceive the passage of time in their own way. For them, everything happens now, they live in the present. That is why they begin to stock up on food and save money. This is how elderly parents feel safe: “If I eat cereal, it means I’m still alive.”

And such “freezing” in time affects not only the material world, but also the intellectual and spiritual space. An older person cannot communicate freely, cannot suddenly join a conversation, or will not stop until they have told their story to the end.

Consider this fact when talking with elderly parents. And then it will be much easier for you to build relationships with them.

Reason #4. Often, a quarrel with elderly parents can arise because of their love to idealize the past and talk about bygone days. They are ready to talk for hours about their youth, because it was then that their elderly parents were in full bloom and felt great. And now memories, or rather, reciting them, allows you to feel the “taste” of an almost forgotten happy time.

Of course, periodically listening to these stories, you understand that each time there are more details in them, and the scale of what is happening becomes larger and more significant. The elderly man believes in his story, he returns to his friends again and again in his memory. And at the same time he wants to see them more and more beautiful, happy, and confident. And every time the story becomes more real for the oldest narrator.

As experts say, such memories that come to life in the head give parents peace of mind and put them in a comfortable state. Moreover, free flight of thought can give an elderly person strength and energy. And that is why you should not deprive him of such joy - let him continue to communicate, talk, and you pretend that you are hearing this story for the first time.

Important: judging by statistics, the elderly narrator does not seek to have conversations with people of the same age. More often he wants to communicate with the younger generation. It turns out that such dialogues have a qualitative effect on the old man’s health and even on his life expectancy. And this has been proven empirically. For example, older residents of Abkhazia consider it obligatory to communicate with young people every day. They give advice and thereby extend their term.

Changes in the character of older people

The character of old people changes due to the fact that internal control over reactions weakens. If previously a significant part of unattractive traits could be hidden or disguised, then over time they inevitably come out. How does personality change in adulthood?

Fast fatiguability. In old age, information is processed in much less quantity than before. A person wants to sleep and relax more.
Lability, which consists of rapid mood changes in older people. They become more sentimental, sensitive, edifying, and are offended more and more often.
Conservativeness in everything, since it is very difficult for a mature person to change his habits, political views, change his place of residence, his usual environment, and even some minor little things (his favorite cup, chair or handkerchief).
Desire to communicate a lot. Older people tend to speak their thoughts and memories out loud. They tell their interlocutor incidents from their lives in great detail, repeating and reproducing them several times.
Interests change. In old age, as old age approaches, a reassessment of values occurs. Often, a person who did not recognize God suddenly begins to believe in him. Or an illiterate person becomes an active reader, and a convinced bachelor gets married.

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An elderly person, feeling helpless and a burden on the family, becomes irritable and anxious. There are plenty of reasons for concern: health, lack of communication, inability to cope with everyday difficulties.
Problems with memory, primarily short-term. An elderly person forgets where he put his keys, whether he took a pill, or whether he called his family.

But there are also changes in a positive direction. As gerontological studies have shown, in old age people begin to change their idea of life, becoming more reasonable, calm, careful and wise. An elderly person begins to appreciate life more, and his self-esteem also changes. Mature people pay less attention to their appearance, but pay more attention to their health and inner world.

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How to communicate with elderly parents: 10 rules

No. 1. What are you saying?

Agree that often the words of others bring us more moral harm than their actions. It happens that in a conversation with elderly parents we accidentally say something unnecessary and, what’s the saddest thing, we don’t even remember it.

It's better to watch your speech. Yes, sometimes communicating with an elderly person can be simply unbearable. But you need to understand that now you play a different role - you must take care of your parents, and therefore you have no right to hurt them. Even when you have to listen to the moral teachings and instructions of an elderly mother or father, do not interfere with your caustic remarks. React to their dissatisfaction; you need to communicate calmly. Do exactly the same as they once did - for example, when you cry in the store and plead to buy a toy. Just silently engage them in something else.

Older people are especially sensitive, so they are good at assessing the tone of your communication with them. A couple of sentences that are completely neutral in meaning, but said in a bad mood, may seem like a challenge to them - your desire to start a conflict. The elderly, of course, don’t want to communicate after this.

Example: your mother calls and you are in an important meeting. You pick up the phone: “I don’t have time. I'll call you back!" Or you say: “Mommy, I can’t communicate yet. Will we call you in 15 minutes?” In which case is she less likely to be offended?

In any case, one thing is important when talking with an elderly person on the phone - to communicate, demonstrating your positive feelings towards your parents. Yes, you think that they already know that you love them. But it's better to talk it out. It is enough to end the conversation with the standard “I love you” or “I miss you, kiss you!”

No. 2. What would you do?

Once upon a time, older parents were nervous that you got a bad grade or didn't do your algebra homework. And now everything has changed: you worry that mom has stopped communicating, doesn’t take pills, and dad might lose his back in the garden.

Now you should understand why you need to communicate and what is necessary for the comfort of your elderly parents. Do not bother with questions, but carefully help. To be at a distance, but not far away - to always lend a shoulder when things get difficult for elderly parents.

No. 3. Delve into the reasons

You may not always be able to correctly assess what your elderly father meant when he said or did something bad. The main thing is to communicate and find out why this happened. Maybe he wanted to draw attention to his poor health? Or is he worried about his loneliness, from which all people suffer in old age? Maybe he's hinting that he wants to live in a nursing home? Or just doesn't want to communicate?

No. 4. Praise and encourage

A kind word and a high appreciation of abilities and actions can sometimes work miracles with older people. Especially when it comes to your parents. Don’t forget to praise moms and dads, let them see their own importance, this will allow them to increase their self-esteem. Learn to communicate effectively. Tell an elderly father that he is the best grandfather in the world, and he will move mountains: he will sit with his grandchildren, play with them, educate them and teach them mathematics. And this despite the fact that he had never done this before!

Remember how your parents used to manipulate you with praise: “How well you cleaned your room! Show your brother some class - clean his room!” or “You did such a good job washing the dishes yesterday. Help mom today too!”

No. 5. View from the outside

It happens that a way out of a difficult situation can only be considered when there is an opportunity to abstract ourselves. Look at conflicts and quarrels with elderly parents from the outside. Imagine that you are a psychotherapist. What do your elderly parents say, what do you usually answer? What is the background of dissatisfaction on both sides? Do you know how to communicate with elderly parents, are you doing it correctly? Throw away all emotions and weigh: who is to blame for constant conflicts and to what extent? Maybe you should just pay more attention to what your elderly parents are trying to tell you?

No. 6. Say "thank you"

How often do you express verbal gratitude to your elderly parents? How often do you say “thank you” to them? But you can do this every day: for valuable advice, for timely help around the house, for raising you correctly. You will see that there will be much fewer problems in relationships with elderly parents. The main thing is to communicate and just say “thank you”, and everything will work out.

No. 7. Surveillance and freedom

Let's say you devote enough time to your loved ones. Take care of them, worry about the health of your elderly parents. But don't you think that you are overprotective of them? Do not bother with constant calls or pester with questions about “sores”. Give them freedom, let them breathe deeply. Better yet, instill in them the idea that they are still young, full of strength, that they are not so old. And moreover, they can communicate with other people, do some important and interesting thing, so exciting that they will forget about their age.

№8. Everyone has responsibilities

A person, including an elderly person, is a creature that needs constant activity. Everyone should have rights and responsibilities. If they are not there, elderly parents begin to complain more often about problems, get nervous, and feel unnecessary.

Think about what you can ask them for? In any case, there are small tasks that are not difficult for elderly parents to solve, but their completion will delight the old performer. This way, the elderly father or mother will feel useful to you and your family, will communicate more calmly and feel important.

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No. 9. Criticism aside

Relatives, even elderly parents, need to be perceived as they are. There is no need to talk arrogantly, give advice, or try to change them. Moreover, there is no need to criticize elderly parents. Even if they try to show you the right path, try not to do the same in response. As they say, you don’t choose your parents. Therefore, it is easier to close your eyes to their shortcomings and continue communicating. Better yet, say the following to elderly parents: “Let’s agree not to make claims against each other.” And then you will understand that you can live well, without mutual comments and scandals.

No. 10. Talk

Communicate with elderly parents. It just seems to you that there is nothing to talk about. Even small successes at work can be a big deal for your elderly mom. Your life for her is always a very serious topic, and therefore she will communicate with the goal of “catching” all the details and little things in the conversation in order to experience all your events as her own. Older parents love to hear everything about you.

Call first

Although some parents may be overly intrusive when communicating with their children, many, on the contrary, are afraid of disturbing someone once again - even those closest to them. At a certain age, they may begin to feel their company is undesirable, and themselves - superfluous and unnecessary in your life. To help them overcome this feeling, don't wait for them to call you, go ahead of them: call and visit them on your own initiative. When your parents feel important to you, they will be calmer, and there will be much less reason for conflict, rest assured.

Don't blame yourself

Let go of the guilt. No matter how hard you try, you won’t be able to give more than you can, except perhaps to the detriment of your own life, family, career. We must accept that parents’ time is slowly running out, and they, perhaps even unconsciously, turn to themselves, try to sort out the years they have lived, blame themselves for mistakes, and fall into euphoria from pleasant memories.

It is possible that your parents will try to manipulate you, try to concentrate all your attention on themselves. You can succumb to such emotions, but only with a sober head: try to give them more love and affection, help, sympathize. But don’t forget about your life - it can pass you by. It is important for any person to be able to divide time for loved ones and for themselves.

Manage impressions

Due to declining mobilization, it is increasingly difficult for an elderly person to find new experiences. More often than not, the main entertainment remains sitting on a bench near the house, discussing neighbors and grumbling about their “unlucky” children.

In order to diversify the life of your ancestors and protect them from the desire to collect negativity under the entrance, you need to look for ways to distract them and keep them busy with interesting things. Find out what might be interesting to a person at this age, give parents different opportunities to keep themselves busy: handicrafts, reprinting books, yoga, a swimming pool, trips to a sanatorium. In some countries, third generation universities are practiced. Find out if there is something similar in your city. Even older people love to learn something. And here there will be an opportunity not only to learn new things, but also to communicate with peers, share with them acquired skills and life stories.

Take into account the “technical characteristics” of elderly parents

Crossing the threshold of sixty, it is rare for anyone to boast of good health. Joints “wear out”, hearing decreases, vision decreases - all this is accompanied by the fear of powerlessness, and the understanding that nothing can be changed. It is necessary to take into account these characteristics of an aging person. When going, for example, to visit relatives, allow extra time for the journey: the parent will not be able to quickly jump off and get ready in 5 minutes, it will be harder for him to get up and he will not walk as quickly as before. Is your mom watching TV at full volume? Don't scold her - she just doesn't hear any other way, offer her headphones.

A separate memory story. Elderly people are often absent-minded and find it difficult to retain any information. They may forget to turn off the stove or the light in the room; you shouldn’t scold them for this. If this does not pose a danger, skip it; if not, for example, a situation with a stove that is not turned off, it is worth considering how to avoid serious consequences.

It's important to forgive

Don't carry old grievances into a new day. No matter what happened in the past, no matter how mom behaves now, it’s already difficult to redraw and change everything. If an elderly grandfather does not understand something, he may not understand it. There is no need to get angry and try to somehow comment on this behavior. It’s better to get over this misunderstanding and move on; even better, try to approach the situation with humor. After all, it may happen that this loved one may pass away tomorrow, and you will regret every sharply spoken word.

If it’s difficult to immediately let go of the situation, go out for a glass of water, stay in silence for 5 minutes, take a walk, turn off all your thoughts. When you calm down, come back and continue the conversation with a smile, but on a different topic.

Show genuine interest

“One day one of my students, she was also over 90, a very pessimistic woman, did not come to class. I called her to find out what happened. She was amazed: “Are you calling me?!” I'll come now." She was surprised that someone needed her, that they remembered her,” says Alexander Galitsky.

Older people do not believe that anyone needs them. “They don’t want to look at themselves in the mirror, they don’t like themselves. Our interest in them will help our relationship."

Take responsibility and control

Since childhood, we grow up with the understanding that our parents are older and control over many events in our lives remains with them. But over time, the situation changes: people who were once strong for us are gradually becoming helpless. And we need to take responsibility for their life and peace - now we are strong, and they are under our care.

It is in your power to protect them from negative news and your problems: you don’t need to pour out your heart and tell them that something is going wrong with you - your parents won’t be able to help you anyway. Remember - it is important for them to see that everything is going well for the children.