You know, in the past, for me, relationships with married men were strictly prohibited. After all, from childhood we are taught that we should not touch someone else’s things. But unfortunately, life sometimes dictates its own scenarios, and even the most persistent rules crumble under the weight of circumstances.
This happened to me too. Dizzying falling in love, a moment of relaxation and that’s it: the mark of a mistress came from where they didn’t expect it. How to behave in such a situation? Should we hope for a successful outcome? Today I will reveal some tips obtained through trial and error.
His personal life is not your jurisdiction
“My motto is not to worry, but to excite!” (Marilyn Monroe)
We girls are very curious and meticulous creatures. Therefore, we do not hesitate to bombard our beloved with questions about his wife, children, mother-in-law, grandmother and other family members. We are interested in knowing everything - from intimacy to evening gatherings in front of the TV. Remember, you can’t do this!
First, most likely, you will not hear the truth. They will tell you a heartbreaking story about an evil toad who does not appreciate an ideal man, and in the end they will also demand pity and consolation.
And, secondly, there is a risk of hearing unpleasant information that will pass through the heart like a sickle and leave unhealed wounds. Curiosity is not a vice, but in this case it is not worth showing it.
Are lovers always in the background?
The situation when a woman falls for a young man in a couple or an unfree man is not uncommon. Everyday life and lack of attention lead to the idea that this will be the way out. However, when it comes to a long-term relationship, the girl tries to assess what the chances are of getting a leading position. If a woman strives to become the first in this relationship, then the chances of success are low. Due to a man’s indecisiveness, a mistress can remain in a similar status for many years until both partners get tired of it.
Official wives remain calm, putting up with their husband’s affair and not taking any action. As a result, the third party leaves the relationship without receiving leadership or official status.
This happens because of the habit of a man to whom the thought of divorce is alien. Many years have been lived in an official marriage, children have been born, property has been acquired. When a couple breaks up, partners are forced to share it all, to resolve issues that might not have existed. Such an inconvenience clearly does not interest the lover. In such a situation, the mutual behavior of the wife and mistress plays a decisive role. If both are patient with a partner who leads a double life, the situation will last a long time.
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When a mistress shows impatience, the relationship is destroyed, since the man does not intend to tolerate constant discontent, scandals and hysterics from a virtual stranger. If such behavior is demonstrated by the wife, then the chances of getting the championship are 50 to 50. Perhaps the husband, ashamed and frightened by the divorce, will abandon his new passion to save the family. But the opposite situation may also arise, when the wife’s hysteria is unbearable, and the man is tired of scandals.
Sometimes a mistress smoothly transitions into the official status of a wife. These are cases where divorce from the spouse was inevitable and without a vicious relationship. In this case, the mistress becomes a catalyst that speeds up the decision-making process. The marriage, which could not be saved without this, breaks up, and the mistress receives the title of bride.
However, in this case, you need to understand for what reason the divorce occurred in order to prevent this from happening in a new relationship, otherwise there is a possibility that a man, taught by experience, will quickly decide to divorce again, but with his former mistress, or will abandon the intention to create again. family.
Don't forget that your wife always comes first
No matter how wonderful, exciting and loving a girl you are, for a married man, your spouse will always come first. Yes, perhaps now they have some differences in their relationship. Probably, intimate life in the family is the same as before. But they are united by years of family life, during which they got to know each other down to the smallest detail.
They are connected by a common life, children, friends and familiar conditions. Statistically, in most cases, a man is not ready to sacrifice his comfort for the sake of a fleeting adventure. And, having enjoyed your company, he will gladly return under the wing of his wife.
What to do if you like a married man
The main question of our research today is what to do if a man is married, where to put his feelings? First of all, turn them in your direction - towards yourself. This kind of love does not involve suffering.
Feelings are meant to make both participants in the process happy, and not just the one who uses the other to solve his problems in the marriage.
If we discard the beautiful words about love, what will remain is: self-pity, dissatisfaction, fear of loneliness, uncertainty in a partner and in the future, misunderstanding “why she has everything, but I have nothing” and many other unpleasant emotions. Is this LOVE? Decide what to do if you love a married man, and whether you love him.
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There are women who are quite happy with the position of their mistress; they receive certain bonuses for this (financial, career, etc.) - that’s one story. But since the conversation is about feelings and experiences, then you need something completely different in a relationship.
Don't let your loved one into your personal life
“Women talk about love and are silent about lovers, men - on the contrary: they talk about mistresses, but are silent about love.” (Marina Tsvetaeva)
Yes, you sometimes sleep together. But this does not mean at all that you are now his property and should do only what he wants. In such a relationship, you have open carte blanche for freedom of action. You have every right to communicate with other men. Let the gentleman know that this union will last as long as you want it. Exactly you. Not him.
You are married: is change always necessary?
It is not always the single girl who becomes the chosen one of a married man. A married woman can also actively seek entertainment on the side. If a married woman falls in love with a married man, the relationship can be quite vibrant, since both parties take what they need without initially claiming anything more.
Sometimes a mistress wants to change her old husband and clings to her lover with a death grip. Then she first needs to make sure of her chosen one’s desire to build a new union. If he does not want to get a divorce, it is unlikely that the couple will face serious changes.
A mistress can take a risk and inform her wife about the fact of her existence. True, she will most likely do the same to her rival. Then both families will be forced to look for solutions that suit all participants at once.
Thus, if you are married and you like a married man, take into account the fact that you are worth each other and are in approximately the same conditions. And then it’s up to you to decide: take the next step or just enjoy life and not change anything? The main thing is to reach mutual agreement.
| ⇒ Test: Do you need changes in your life? |
Show him that he is not the center of your universe
You are an interesting, attractive woman. There is always something to talk about with you. And you are constantly busy with some kind of business. Today - fitness room, tomorrow - Spanish language courses, on Thursday - a theater performance, and on Sunday a meeting with close friends.
Thanks to a busy schedule, your life will not only become active and interesting, but will also make a man think that he is not such a central player in this field. Let him adapt to the fast pace of your life and look for options for dates.
Who should feel guilty?
From time immemorial, the woman of a married man has been condemned in society. Therefore, if a girl starts a relationship with a married man, then she subconsciously feels guilty. As if she is the one who destroys the family, profits from other people’s happiness and behaves immorally.
In fact, these are empty prejudices! If a woman is free and feels good with this man, then she has nothing to worry about. It's the man who should be worried. He's not a lamb being led around on a rope. He has freedom of choice. An affair on the side is his voluntary decision, his conscious choice. And he bears full responsibility for it.
Does the man feel guilty? This may well be the case. Then at some point he will decide for himself - wife or mistress?
There are three sides to a love triangle, but not all of them are responsible for what happens. A wife may be to some extent to blame for her husband's infidelity. Perhaps she became boring or stopped taking care of herself, was indifferent to her husband’s problems, which is why he began to look to the left. But! She didn't break her oath of allegiance, did she? In this sense, she cannot be responsible for the situation. But the situation itself can become very exciting for her and will certainly force her to make a choice.
The outcome of a love triangle is difficult to predict; a lot depends on the details of the specific situation. But in any case, if the man you love is married, you should initially, even before starting a relationship with a married man, answer yourself a few questions. Why did I decide to date a married man? What is my goal? Do I want to marry him? Is it possible to stay in a hopeless relationship for a long time? How do I feel about the prospect of meeting his wife in person?
In the answers to these questions, much may depend on the life circumstances in which the woman finds herself. Here are several possible scenarios.
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Be wiser
A smart girl has hundreds of ways to attract a man in her arsenal. And a truly wise woman will carry out the adventure in such a way that her lover will 100% believe that it was his initiative. Don't forget that he is the one who is trying to achieve you, and not the other way around.
Albina Dzhanabaeva was in a secret relationship with Valery Miladze for many years. The singer tried in every possible way to surround the man with affection and care. She took care of her appearance, did not forget about sports, and cooked regularly and deliciously. She was attentive and sensitive towards her loved one. As a result, she became the wife of the famous singer.
What about the wife?
There are three sides to a love triangle, one of which is the legal spouse. She may guess about a vicious relationship or accidentally find out about it. Then she faces the problem of whether to forgive her husband for his betrayal or wish him happiness in another family.
First of all, the wife needs to sort out her feelings. In such a situation, you can get angry, feel sorry for yourself, and hate your spouse. If after this there is still love, talk to your husband and discuss everything frankly.
There is no need to save the marriage at any cost just because the spouses have children. They will still feel the falseness and begin to blame themselves for what is happening. With children, be completely honest and clearly explain to them that it is only their parents who are having problems.
You can try contacting a family psychologist with your husband. This option is suitable when a couple is trying to save their marriage, but are unable to restore trust. After all, the wife will now always suspect her husband of cheating.
| ⇒ More details: You can't forgive: what to do if your husband cheats? |
Don't be an individual psychologist
No matter how cool boys are, they also have emotions, and they need to pour them out somewhere. Of course, we don’t really want this. It wasn’t enough to be sad that he was married, but also to listen to how hard and bad it was for him and this very wife, and how worried he was about it.
But! His personal dramas are not a reason to traumatize the female psyche. After all, relationships are primarily built on friendship. And friendship with one goal is some kind of perversion. A true friend will never hurt a loved one by telling him something that is unpleasant to him. Don’t become a vest for a man, he won’t appreciate it anyway.
You have children: is the game worth the candle?
If the mistress has a child or even several children, this greatly complicates the relationship. Moreover, both for the lady herself and for the married man. The mistress will need a nanny or a person who will look after the children during sweet dates. A married lover will have to come to terms with the fact that the woman will clearly have more than one interest. She, like any mother, will show sooner and later that children are very important to her. Men, and especially married men, rarely like this. Therefore, there is a high probability that a married man will not maintain such a relationship for long.
But if suddenly he didn’t disappear after a couple of meetings and even decided to meet your offspring, perhaps the relationship has good prospects. Watch how he behaves with your children. Talk to your children: do they like this man? In this situation, choose and decide only together with your child. The only exception may be infants.
| ⇒ Why do men disappear? Ghosting in relationships. |
Watch your appearance
When people have been married for several years, they gradually relax and stop paying due attention to their appearance. Perhaps this also affected his wife, and every day he sees her in worn clothes, with a bun on her head and overgrown hair on her legs. This is a chance for you to shift his interest in your direction.
Visit beauty salons, don’t forget about shopping, keep an eye on updated manicures and pedicures. You have to be flawless so that just by looking at you he starts salivating.
Why do wives cheat?
Many perceive male adultery as the norm, attributing everything to physiology and polygamy. They have many signals: they want change, they want to express sexual energy and just have fun. Many people don’t even think that a guy’s betrayal counts.
But girls are usually treated more demandingly, and therefore they are accustomed to hiding an affair more carefully. Let's figure out where it comes from. The usual “excuses” for men are unacceptable here:
- Sexual attraction at the level of instinct - women are more likely to focus on feelings and emotions.
- Novelty is repulsive, because they are attracted to stability.
- Self-affirmation - no, because only a guy can assert himself, and for a girl such a reputation will only become offensive.
It is interesting to note that the real reasons are strongly related to the marital relationship. Common reasons why a married woman falls in love with a married or single man:
- Poor relationship with your spouse, lack of affection, care, tenderness and sense of security. Psychological discomfort.
- Lack of attention: the husband does not notice the new haircut or new clothes. He spends all his time in the garage under the car or in the company of his friends, leaving his wife to while away the lonely evenings.
- Revenge. What if the man has already been caught in adultery? Of course, many go through this stage, forgive, try to forget, but subconsciously there is a certainty that the traitor should be punished.
- Dissatisfaction in intimate life. Sometimes the spouse stops performing marital duty altogether or performs it, caring exclusively about his own pleasure - no foreplay, prolonged caresses, romance or gratification of sexual desires. The second common option is satiety with monotony.
- Lack of emotions. Sometimes it happens like this: boring, the same, stable. I want adventure, like in a romantic film - an explosion, a storm, but at home everything is ordinary. Everyday life eats up men too - they stop expressing their feelings, which leads to a complete emotional vacuum in the family.
- Finding the perfect love or a prince on a white horse. Often marriage occurs after an unplanned pregnancy or for other reasons, when they hoped for “endure and fall in love.” But all the years of marriage they are looking for that one and only.
- Love. An outburst of intense mutual feelings can lead to an affair.
Get into his circle
Men love to gossip with each other about women. And if a new specimen appears in the field of view, all curious glances are directed at it. And here it will depend only on you what characteristics you will be given after the meeting. Be cheerful, cheerful and sociable. If you can please your lover's friends, they will be additional allies helping him to come over to your side.
Common Mistakes
When having a relationship with a man in marriage, women are often afraid of falling into the romantic network of their lover. However, a mild degree of this condition can be tolerated. It is much more serious if other mistakes are allowed:
- Wrong assignment of roles. The lover, inspired by feelings and confident in her position thanks to words, does not understand that the man is using her. As a result, she builds illusions that, when destroyed, bring disappointment.
- Pregnancy. If the decision to have a child is dictated by the desire to lure a young man away from the family, then this option is possible if there are no children in the marriage. In addition, his words are not always true - gentlemen tend to manipulate women in this way. Be prepared for a breakdown in communication after your partner receives news of the replenishment.
- Humiliation. Men, having won a woman with compliments and gifts, lose interest. And the mistress is trying to get a portion of attention at this time, but is met with a cold attitude and rudeness. Don't tolerate this.
- Don't look for meetings with your lover's wife. This woman may know or guess about you. There is a possibility that she also wants to see each other and talk, to convince her not to interfere with the family. Do not react to provocations and do not get acquainted. This is fraught with the emergence of an eternal confrontation that flatters a man, but humiliates and deprives women of strength.
- Don't push. Using minor hints, mistresses unconsciously try to lure attention away from the family. This threatens to be abandoned, offended. In addition, no one guarantees that a man is ready to make such a decision now. Don't blackmail him, give him time to think. If nothing changes, then this is his decision. To come to terms with him or not to agree is the woman’s choice.
Being in the role of a mistress who does not have an official status is considered unacceptable in society. However, you need to decide whether this is suitable on your own, based on your feelings and not relying on the experience of others.
Advice from psychologists
Psychology allows you to understand your inner world and find answers to troubling questions. There are recommendations from experts that help you cope with falling in love with a married guy:
- Before you decide to start or continue a relationship with a family man, you need to think about his family. Perhaps his wife is a good person and there is no need for her to suffer because another girl allows herself to interfere with someone else's happiness. The situation can get worse if children are involved. They will definitely suffer if the man decides to leave them. It’s worth looking at the situation from the moral and ethical perspective, answering the question: “Will I be able to live in peace, knowing that I destroyed someone else’s family?”
- Women shouldn't settle for less. Why should a beautiful and smart girl depend on a man who will not be faithful to her? You need to believe in yourself and your ability to attract decent and honest men with whom you can have a healthy relationship without restrictions.
- Don't be upset about something that doesn't really exist. We need to answer the question: “Do you have a future?” There is a high probability that the answer will be negative. Then why waste time on sorrows? Of course, love is one of the most difficult emotions that cannot be controlled. However, you need to gather all your inner strength, break the painful connection and engage in mental healing. It will take some time, but the ability to feel free and not be afraid of exposure is the best price to pay for leaving such a relationship.
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- Don't mess with busy guys. If a woman has been in such an unhealthy relationship or is about to get involved in one, she needs to come to her senses and put an end to all types of contact with such men. It is important to understand the rule: “Married people are taboo!” This will help protect yourself from possible disappointments and wasted time.
The likelihood of successful development of a relationship with someone who is bound by marriage is incredibly low. Expecting that you will be able to take the main place in his life means deliberately dooming yourself to suffering, so you should listen to the advice of psychologists and begin to build a new personal life, not burdened with secrets and constant expectations of meetings. After this, every girl will have a chance to find a person who will give her happiness without restrictions and burdens.
How to deal with a married lover
Girls should be careful and not leave traces of their presence, and also not count on too much. In 95 percent of cases, he will not get divorced and will not propose marriage to you. I will give specific recommendations.
Behavior rules
- Insist on meetings on neutral territory.
- Never use his wife’s things - do not use perfumes, hygiene products, cosmetics.
- Do not call first, do not write SMS or messages on social networks. Your best option is not to leave any written evidence of affection.
- Don't demand too much: family is always more important.
If you are confused and find yourself in a difficult situation, I recommend signing up for my consultation. I will listen to your problems, give advice and recommendations.
