On Monday, March 1, the action-packed series “The Witch Doctor” starts on the MIR TV channel. The main character - a young promising doctor, a happy husband and the darling of fate - loses everything in an instant. He is accused of a murder he did not commit and goes to jail. But even there he remains faithful to his profession and heals people, for which he receives the nickname Witch Doctor. Already in prison, he learns that everything that happened is not just an evil fate, but the result of the betrayal of those closest to him. Unable to forgive those he loved, he renounces his past life and begins a new one, the goal of which is revenge.
Watch the series “The Witch Doctor” from Monday to Thursday at 18:00 on the MIR TV channel.
In life, it really happens that the closest people whom a person loved and trusted turn out to be traitors or seem to be such to us. Psychologists and psychotherapists spoke in interviews with MIR 24 about how to survive such a tragic situation, forgive loved ones and renounce revenge.
Depression or revenge? Neither one nor the other!
“A truly close person is always significant and valuable, and therefore, in the event of betrayal on his part, you may experience psychological states characterized by a wide range of different emotional reactions of the depressive type: from depression, sadness, apathy to feelings of resentment, disappointment,” says clinical psychologist, presenter of original courses and trainings, coach Boris Kononov
. According to the psychologist, psychological defense mechanisms in the form of fantasizing about revenge can also work, but, as a rule, over time the traitor is devalued and aggressive fantasizing weakens.
“In the case of betrayal of a loved one in relation to a person whose own “I” is higher, as a rule, all sorts of violent manifestations arise on the part of the latter, ranging from verbal forms of aggression and ending with causing physical harm to the offender, up to revenge in the form of murder, - says the clinical psychologist. “For example, a St. Petersburg historian, a specialist in the military history of France, Oleg Sokolov, satisfying his “Napoleonic Ego,” cold-bloodedly and with particular cynicism took the life of his student, a co-author of scientific works, with whom differences arose in personal and intimate relationships.”
A logical question arises: how not to fall into either extreme and survive a crisis life situation, forgive loved ones for their betrayal and abandon the “symmetrical answer”?
“Of course, each story of betrayal is unique in its own way, and, unfortunately, there is no ideal recipe, but there are general recommendations that can help you independently survive a traumatic situation without much harm to your own psychological health,” says Boris Kononov
. Here are his recommendations:
- Firstly, you should first try to calmly accept the fact of betrayal, recognizing the objective negative qualities of the offender - after all, with the weakening of the importance of the other person, your own mental pain also decreases.
- Secondly, recognize the fact of betrayal as having happened in the past - after all, you need to live in the present, looking optimistically into a bright future, and not looking back with resentment at yesterday.
- Thirdly, analyze the “I” of one’s own personality for egoism in order to prevent it from strengthening in the pursuit of petty revenge, which, as a rule, gives a temporary illusion of satisfying one’s own Ego, but does not at all exalt a person as a person.
“To understand the phenomenon of revenge, it is necessary to turn to simpler affects that rule the roost of the psyche,” says psychologist Alexander Skurtul
. – An attack by one living creature on another is often dictated by aggression for protection. The logic is something like this: “Someone wants to destroy me (deprive me of benefits, demote me in the hierarchy, drive me away), so I have to fight for my life.” The fact is that betrayal is also perceived by a person as an attack on his self. Betrayal humiliates us, self-worth falls, we experience a complex of unpleasant feelings that deprive us of optimism and faith in a bright future. In order to restore self-worth, you want to inflict no less damage on the offender - which in primitive culture is considered the restoration of justice.”
However, if in the animal world each act of humiliation was indeed directly linked to further chances of survival, then in human civilization, betrayal, according to the expert, simply evokes feelings that encourage us to worry about life due to evolutionary inertia, but nothing threatens life.
If a partner leaves us or a brother discredits our name among friends, then revenge will only increase the pain in this world and give us a little relief. Therefore, according to the psychologist, it is important to remain aware and understand the feelings that control us. It is important to soberly assess the meaning, means and results. And, of course, ask yourself the main question: “What will this give me?” Isn't it better to direct your efforts in a positive, creative direction? Try to abstract yourself from thoughts of betrayal and focus on what brings you pleasure.
The process of dealing with grief due to betrayal includes 5 stages
- Stage of denial and shock. A person simply cannot believe what happened, especially if the betrayal is unexpected. Reaction: emotional excitement, or vice versa, emotional coldness, inhibition.
- The stage of aggression, the experience of resentment, anger. Often aggression and anger are directed at the person who cheated, who left, who “abandoned”, or left their loved ones.
- Stage of guilt. The person blames himself for what happened, his “bad behavior.” A person may also experience remorse for treating the person who cheated poorly and paying little attention to him.
- Stage of depression. Depression, apathy, irritability, decreased social activity - all these are manifestations of depression. Life can lose all meaning; a person tends to “drown out” his pain with alcohol and other “antidepressants.”
- Acceptance stage. No matter how hard a person experiences betrayal, acceptance of the loss gradually sets in. This stage is characterized by the restoration of the usual course of life, once again falling into its groove. Life acquires purpose and meaning.
Was there any betrayal?
Psychologist, coach Liliya Levitskaya
advises, in the event of a life crisis, to first stop and calm down, because in a state of passion, almost all decisions will be incorrect and destructive to the personality.
“After this, it is important to understand what kind of experience this situation brings to you, because betrayal is a relative concept,” says the specialist. – Nobody belongs 100% to anyone, and if a person feels bad in some respects and his needs are not met, then he will look for a way to be happier. Therefore, the “traitor” and the “victim” here are just people who could not be happy together and could not build a relationship, which means both are responsible for the result. They are responsible, not guilty.”
Learn from pain rather than amplify it through revenge, the coach advises. And study the Declaration of Reality Acceptance very well, because reality is what it is. Here is this Declaration as presented by Lilia Levitskaya:
Who betrays more often?
People for whom loyalty, trust, reliability and honesty are not special values betray more often.
Also, those who endure too much betray more often than others. After all, if a person does not express his dissatisfaction, he is always sweet and good, always so correct. That is, there is a risk that sooner or later he may express his accumulated negativity “behind his back.” That is, not directly, but, for example, through betrayal or gossip.
Declaration of Acceptance of Reality
- The world is not fair and has never made any commitment to be fair. No matter how well I live, at any second I can lose everything that is dear to me. The world works like this: it doesn’t care about me personally. Yes, but I can take care of the world. If I am fair, justice will appear in my environment, and I will make sure that there is more of it every day.
- The world is not kind and never promised me happiness. I may suddenly become seriously ill, become disabled, or face imminent death - this is natural. I may not have children of my own, I may suddenly lose children, and no matter how much I earn, at any moment life can take it away from me. The world can take everything from me. Yes, but I can give this world beauty and joy, and this is happiness!
- I know that I make mistakes for which people dear to me pay. I am imperfect and will never have time to become fully perfect. It's okay, it's not scary! While I am imperfect and weak, I do not have the strength to do the irreparable. And when I become stronger and smarter, I can change the world for the better.
- I know that people often turn out to be selfish, aggressive, stupid, ill-mannered, lazy, dishonest, ungrateful, etc. I choose to accept this as a given. I choose to accept people and their actions as naturally as I accept winter and cold, spring and dirt.
- I will react with inner understanding to the fact that everyone, including people close to me, can lie to me or break their word given to me, can cause me harm, including intentionally. He is just a man with his own weaknesses, stupidities and sometimes a desire for revenge. If I value human decency, I will cultivate this trait in myself. I will erase the word “betrayal” from my internal vocabulary. I will accept the fact that people change their views, plans, and they do not always consider it necessary to take care of me. There are always other people who will help me.
- I will accept that close and beloved people can do irreparable stupid things: no one promised me that close people will only make me happy. If this is important to me, then I will take on the job called “delighting loved ones”!
- My parents loved me not as much as I wanted, but as much as they could and wanted. But now I can create love myself. I can be needed by those who are dear to me, I can love my children and loved ones and bring at least a drop of goodness into the world.
- The world will not become different because of my experiences and frustrations; it does not care about me. This means that I will not upset myself, because I need concentration and energy to do a lot in this world. I will be happy: it’s easier to act this way!
- I will never complain, I will teach myself and make a wonderful life - step by step. If I establish good relationships, I will move the world towards goodness. If I educate someone, there will be more decent and well-mannered people in the world. I make a commitment to raise healthy and smart children who will also feel obligated to care for people and to raise healthy and smart children who will also want healthy and smart children.
- I will be strong to do more in this world. This world is my workshop, and whatever I do, the amount of good in the world must increase. I'll get a lot done.
Inner traitor
Each of us has the potential to betray another person. We are not perfect, each of us has a “dark side”.
And admitting to yourself that you have an “inner traitor” makes the experience of betrayal a little easier.
When you understand that in certain situations and under certain circumstances you are also capable of betraying. Or maybe you have already had such an experience where you betrayed. This awareness helps you worry a little less about what happened or possible betrayal by other people.
How to react to this
Betrayal is inevitable, so don't be shocked when it happens, just accept it as a given. This will help you endure such life difficulties more easily.
People are free to do what they like, and they do it. People often exhibit human traits. For your own sanity, just accept that these things happen, and they do happen. Then, once you have internalized it, ask yourself, if they happen, why shouldn't it happen to you from time to time. Then just accept that obviously you are not immune to this happening to you and just deal with it.
How to survive betrayal?
Svetlana Kovalenko
Psychologist, clinical psychologist
Ask a Question
Perhaps the best advice is to recognize that the process of trusting and getting to know another person is measured over years, sometimes decades. Many couples who have been married for many years admit that they sincerely developed trust in each other after 5-7 years of marriage. There are different types of betrayal. Accordingly, even when getting married, you cannot say that this relationship is for life, that you will not betray each other. Everything happens in life. Betrayal is hard to bear because we trust the person. When our expectations are not met, it is difficult to accept. I can recommend two options:
1. Try to independently work out the image of a person. Find those factors that could show throughout your relationship that the person was a traitor, a hypocrite, or could potentially do so. In simple words, you need to take off the “rose-colored glasses” that prevented you from objectively perceiving a person; 2. Contact a psychologist or psychotherapist who will help solve the problem of betrayal from a professional point of view.
What should you not do?
Even the most bitter resentment due to the betrayal of a loved one is not a reason to give up and live in black and white. Men are polygamous by nature - this is nature, not their desire.
Plus, this is no reason to stoop to:
- abuse alcohol and drugs - this will free your mind for a short period, but in the future it will lead to addiction.
- Constantly feeling sorry for yourself and withdrawing is not a way out of the situation, but only a path to depression.
- becomes a desperate bitch and counts, shouting in all directions - all men are bastards and assholes.
- You shouldn’t spoil the lives of everyone around you out of anger, much less take revenge.
The main rule is not to lose faith in yourself, because in the end everything will be fine. It can be difficult to survive the pain of betrayal, deception, or separation, but nothing is impossible.
Negativity will be replaced by friends and relatives, a favorite job and beautiful clothes, a new hobby and image, or maybe a friend or boyfriend. It will be hard, but gradually everything will fade into oblivion - accept this as a manifestation of life and move along a new path to a better and brighter life. The main rule is less suffering, more positivity.
Is it worth breaking off the relationship?
Of course, the decision to break off a relationship with such a person must be made on an individual basis. It all depends on the degree of relationship. Psychologists advise working out a family scenario for people who cling with all their might to traitors.
For example, in the person of a cheater, women often see a father who once left the family. This is why you need to accept, forgive and let go of past grievances. This will help you take an unclouded look at the person who is betraying you and start life from scratch.
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Uncertainty undermines self-esteem
The most insidious part of ending a relationship is the erosion of your self-confidence. Psychologist Cherly Chong warns against falling into the trap of comparing yourself to someone your partner cheated on you with. Viral thoughts can arise on their own that someone else is better than you, wittier, more beautiful. Chong argues that such self-torture not only does not alleviate the pain, but also aggravates the situation. Treason is always the decision of the one who did it. And you cannot shift responsibility for this act onto the partner who was deceived. He cannot push him to this or become the reason for this. Because the final decision to act is made by the one who changed.
Help from a psychologist
It has long been known that women and men perceive the world from different points of view. The former are more emotional, their thoughts pass through the prism of feelings and experiences. The latter think in logical categories. And betrayal, although equally painful for both, is perceived on their part a little differently.
If the husband cheated, the wife most often experiences it very violently - through screams, through tears. And the culprit doesn’t even always observe them - a woman may seem cold and quite calmly put her suitcase on the staircase, but a hurricane will rage inside her, which will certainly spill out.
Psychological assistance when your husband cheats, which can be provided by a specialist, can save you from committing rash acts. A psychotherapist will help you find the reasons that forced the man to take this step. But the reason that a woman manages to instantly come up with for herself often turns out to be even more painful than the fact of betrayal itself.
The psychologist will tell you in which direction you should move forward: should you try to save the relationship, forgive your unfaithful loved one, or is it better to forget about him and start a new life.
But it’s not just men who cheat. And for the husband this is no less a strong blow than for the wife in the event of her husband’s betrayal. The bad news is that men, unlike most women, often seek solace in external factors such as alcohol and available women. Psychological assistance when your wife is cheating will help you avoid such ways of solving the problem, maintain composure and health.
The psychotherapist will tell you how best to perceive this situation, how to forgive the unfaithful half. After all, resentment, regardless of the final result, will prevent both parties from living peacefully.
I was left with nothing. And feelings of emptiness, fear and pain covered me completely.
Therapist: “What’s wrong with you now?”
Client: “I remembered how I wanted to go to the zoo with my parents when they were arguing, I asked them about it, and they promised to do it tomorrow and closed the door on the other side, and then continued to shout at each other... soon after that they divorced, and they never remembered their promise. And I waited... and now I’m still waiting. But that will never happen again.” Here he takes a deep breath and straightens his shoulders... for the first time in many years without the help of anger and indignation. “I want water... hot... no, better tea! You have?"
Therapist: “Yes, a cooler with hot water is there, and a bag of vooon is there. You can do it for yourself.”
The client pours himself some tea and drinks... the therapist allowed himself to become slightly unfocused and go into his memories, both are silent and in no hurry. Some time passes like this. The client perks up.
You are destroying my faith in you. I'm furious about this and I'm scared.
Therapist: “It’s really scary to be alone with your anger and who knows what else.”
Client: “We don’t know what else... What do you mean?”
Therapist: “You’re afraid of something.” What could it be?"
Client: “If you can’t help me, then no one can. I will be left completely alone with this (voice dims and slows down), my jaw clenches and a lump forms in my throat. It's kind of cold. I’m very small now and my hands are shaking and my legs are weak.”
Therapist: “Can you intensify this feeling even more, tremble more, shudder, squeeze your throat and... breathe?”
Client: "Uuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuu... it starts to sting in the eyes and the pressure has risen greatly."
Therapist: “It’s the tears that come, but you don’t let them go. This happens when it’s scary and painful.”
The client lets out sobs, breathes deeply and hides his head in his knees, after which the sobs develop into loud sobs, fragments of phrases are heard and his body shakes in convulsions. Some time passes... He freezes, straightens up and looks ahead with unseeing eyes, staggering slightly.
