In what cases should you forgive betrayal, and in what cases should you definitely not?

Hello! When your partner is unfaithful, should you forgive the betrayal or not? When you are faced with such a problem in life, you must not listen to the advice of third parties, but make a decision solely with your own head.

For most people, the decision to forgive betrayal means continuing the relationship with the other half who caused severe mental pain, coming to terms with the current situation and continuing life as it is... . How can we continue to live like this and forget about what happened?

When you find out about your partner’s infidelity and decide to forgive the person, this means that in the future there will be no reminders of his wrongdoing. You must accept what happened and cope with the surging emotions of injustice and irritation on your own.

Treason and betrayal: what is the difference?

How to distinguish treason from betrayal? Every person puts a sufficient amount of unpleasant and negative meaning into the word “treason.” Perhaps only betrayal becomes more painful...

What's the difference? Why does a once loving person suddenly become capable of such actions?

Cheating - a violation of marital fidelity - is like a strong, sudden blow inflicted by the person closest to you, knocking the ground out from under your feet, and not everyone can cope with this.

I distinguish between betrayal and infidelity. Treason concerns the body, infidelity concerns the soul.

— Christina Kofta

Any extramarital affair becomes quite a serious test for a couple - their joint future and present are under threat.

Betrayal is a violation of given promises and oaths. But this word often means the actions of people that are unexpected for others and usually do not live up to any expectations.

Betrayal is not always associated with the emergence of sexual relations with another partner - this feeling can arise under other circumstances and, as a rule, is always associated with a person’s strong attachment and his dependence on attention to himself.

If we consider the difference between infidelity and betrayal within a marital relationship, then infidelity is a husband’s (or wife’s) approach to his mistress, and betrayal is a fairly long-term relationship with someone on the side.

Cheating is not just something that happens to one partner in relation to another - it is something that happens to a couple.

It’s not for nothing that the word “change” is at the root of the term “betrayal” - after a complete betrayal, not only relationships and feelings, but also the people themselves become different, and betrayal only shows long-standing problems in a couple’s relationship and helps both solve these situations and push spouses to the last, decisive step - divorce.

Treason is betrayal. It doesn't matter whether you jump into bed or slowly crawl into bed.

— Larisa Guzeeva

Attention! Often, attitudes towards such feelings as betrayal and treason depend on the person himself, his understanding of certain circumstances: for some, simple deception is tantamount to treason, while others consider betrayal and lies only a harmless joke.

The main criterion here is a personal attitude towards oneself and a willingness to forgive.

Tip 4: Take Steps to Overcome

It's time to take a little break. You have already done a lot to survive all this and make a decision. Perhaps this will be enough to forgive or let go. If this has not happened yet, you need to try to determine at what stage of overcoming a stressful situation you are. This will help you take a break, collect your thoughts and prepare for the next stage.

• Stage 1. Shock and denial

Lasts from a few minutes to 2-3 days. When a person finds out about betrayal, he is in a state of passion and is not only unable to forgive, but also to reason sensibly. He can't believe what's happening.

• Stage 2. Self-hatred

From several hours to 2-3 months. An attempt to blame oneself for what happened (ugly appearance, excess weight, frivolity, lack of attention, etc.). Those who are stuck at this stage for a long time cannot forgive themselves first of all and break off relationships, guided by precisely this conviction.

• Stage 3. Hatred towards the cheater (cheater)

From 1 month to several years. Then the realization comes that one person in a couple (especially not a cheater) cannot be to blame for what happened. Aggression begins towards someone who has not passed the test of love. At this stage, it is better not to even think about how to forgive and make peace. Purely psychologically this is impossible.

• Stage 4. Dejection

A few months. Longing for a bygone time. Lack of belief that living together is possible. Illusions have turned to dust. There is no hope for the future.

• Stage 5. Return

Several days or weeks. An attempt to return everything and start over. At this stage, reconciliation occurs, if possible. Someone actually reunites by forgiving and believing. But there are also those who are convinced that love is trampled by betrayal and will never return.

• Stage 6. Disappointment

About six months. Those who were unable to forgive their partner at the previous stage become depressed. It seems to them that life is over and no longer has meaning.

• Stage 7. Exhaustion

A couple of months. A person gets tired of constant thoughts and depression. He is broken and mentally exhausted. The only desire at this stage is not to think about anything and feel nothing.

• Stage 8. Stabilization

At this stage, most often people sincerely forgive, because they have been ill, experienced and suffered a full circle of torment. They are able to look at the past objectively, understand and let go of their loved one. They find the strength to start a new life.

These steps must be overcome. Some stop at fifth, while others reach the end. Everything here is individual. But this must be experienced in order to renew, reboot and start a new life. The faster you pass this path, the faster you will restore your peace of mind.

Should betrayal be forgiven?

Just a few hundred years ago, the foundations of society were so strict that a woman could not even think about leaving her husband who was cheating on her - unless in a monastery or on the scaffold...
But today the situation has changed radically - not only women, but any person has the right to choose - to forgive the betrayal and stay close to your loved one, or to proudly leave.

In any situation, it is necessary to make the only correct decision so as not to make hasty conclusions and then regret what you have done for the rest of your life.

Before deciding whether to forgive betrayal or not, you should hide your own emotions deeply. It will be very difficult to do this, because after such a betrayal everything will seethe and bubble inside you. After betrayal, you will be overwhelmed by a hurricane of feelings, when resentment is overwhelmed by anger, despair is replaced by an aggressive state, and the desire to break off all relations with the traitor is replaced by fear of loneliness.

In this case, you should be more collected than ever, showing all your composure and fortitude. It is not the best option to succumb to the influence of negative emotions. You should sit down, calm down and sensibly assess the current situation, and then make the only right decision as to whether you can forgive your lover for betrayal or not.

To do this, you should ask yourself a few questions:

1. What will happen to you if the cheater suddenly disappears from your life? How serious will the separation be for you personally, for your family and child (if you have one).
2. What happens if the traitor still remains a part of your life. Will you be able to maintain your relationship with your cheater at the same level, will you be able to forgive the betrayal and even improve your relationship with your lover? Do you gain anything by forgiving your cheating spouse?

Try to answer all these questions for yourself, even if you don’t want to touch on painful topics. It is advisable to make a list of the pros and cons of forgiving infidelity. This will contribute to making the right decision, based not on emotions, but on logical reasoning. And after compiling this list, it is worth making a decision about forgiving or not forgiving the betrayal. Decide for yourself whether you can live with a person next to you, knowing that he can betray you.

Treason is a whip that hits you only once - at the moment when you find out about everything. All subsequent time you will cut yourself with it.

— Evgeniy Panteleev

Of course, in the first moments thoughts of forgiveness very rarely come and decisions are often made under the influence of anger, resentment, disappointment and fear of loneliness.

When emotions subside somewhat, a person begins to regret what he did and, as a rule, it is already too late to correct anything...

Important! You should not sort things out and decide what to do in the heat of the moment - you need to calm down and analyze the situation in order to make an informed decision.

Should I forgive my husband's betrayal?

No matter how popular the talk is that men are polygamous and consider cheating to be the norm, a man still justifies himself with these words and always feels guilty.

It is best to give him another chance - after all, there are mistakes that can still be corrected.

A woman needs to carefully think about whether she should forgive her husband’s infidelity in the following situations:

• if the infidelities are irregular and the husband stumbled only once;
• if a man really sincerely repents and tries in every possible way to make amends for his guilt;
• if the spouse carefully hides the details and the fact itself (perhaps he is really afraid of losing his family);
• if the wife herself is unfaithful and this act of the man is a desire for revenge;
• and, finally, if the wife has a really strong, forgiving feeling of love.

It is in such cases that betrayal can and even should be forgiven.

But if a man avoids answering for his actions, does not even try to hide his adventures, does not value family values, and the other woman has “settled” quite firmly in the man’s life - such a relationship is impossible to maintain and divorce is the only right step in this situation.

Important! It is always necessary to remember that betrayal is not the end of life, but perhaps just a step towards the beginning of a new one.

Should I forgive my wife for cheating?

For a man, this question often becomes the most pressing. Representatives of the stronger half of humanity think about whether marital relationships will remain the same after their wife’s betrayal.

The answer always depends only on the man himself and his personal attitude to the situation.

Reference! According to statistics, 80% of men are not able to forgive the betrayal of their beloved woman (which only confirms their heightened sense of ownership).

Often, it is enough for a spouse to change himself, to begin to show a little more attention to his wife - and the relationship, almost magically, suddenly not only recovers, but also becomes even better.

Should I forgive my boyfriend for cheating?

The girl, first of all, needs to think about why this happened? Maybe the young man lacks some emotions in the existing relationship, affection, attention and mutual understanding.

Often, a guy’s betrayal occurs not because his girlfriend is unattractive or inattentive to him, but simply because it is she who creates all the conditions for this with her behavior.

A girl, first of all, needs to raise her self-esteem, become more attractive, not create “scenes” of jealousy, and then the question: is it worth forgiving her boyfriend’s betrayal, can be resolved by itself and will exclude a repetition of this.

Should I forgive a cheating girl?

The beloved girl is not yet a wife; a common future is not yet connected with her - only dreams and plans.

In a situation where betrayal occurs, it becomes painful and very difficult for the young man also because the romantic period of courtship presupposes mutual trust, the blossoming of feelings and planning for a joint future.

Attention! In order for a young man to forgive his girlfriend’s betrayal, he needs to decide for himself: is this person really needed and is he the one you want to spend the rest of your life with, and also change yourself, because cheating on your girlfriend can be a kind of reaction to some features of a guy’s behavior.

Tip 2: Separate the wheat from the chaff

For many, betrayal is a betrayal of a loved one that cannot be forgiven. The collapse of all hopes for the future, loss of trust and the inability to continue living together. Do you think so too? Stop! This is the first mistake that everyone who has experienced such a terrible situation makes. Listen to the experts: in psychology these are two different concepts. This means that the approach to them will also be different. To differentiate them, answer the following questions:

• is it more like an accident (we ended up in the same bed, being drunk after a corporate party) or a planned action (first there was flirting and compliments, then dates, restaurants and a hotel)?
• Does the cheater (cheater) repent, ask for forgiveness, or remain silent and not even try to justify himself?
• does he want to stay in the family or does he intend to leave everything here and go to the other one?
• feels guilty, reproaches himself or behaves arrogantly, rudely and continues to consider himself an alpha male?
• showers you with flowers (arranges delicious family dinners) as a sign of reconciliation or blames you for everything that happened?
• did this happen for the first time or are you already tired of counting the multiple betrayals that happened in the past?

In most cases, if the situation develops according to the scenario of the first half of the above questions, it makes sense to forgive the person, give him another chance, and try to start all over again. But only if you are sure of his sincerity and that everything is an absurd accident that is unlikely to ever happen again. If what is indicated in the second part of the questions happened to you, this is already a real betrayal, which is unlikely to be treated leniently.

You can forgive when a person cheats:

• in a state of passion (after a quarrel);
• during a period of discord in relationships;
• being drunk;
• spontaneously, without planning anything;
• without thinking about the consequences;
• not wanting to continue this momentary affair.

Betrayal is much more difficult to perceive when a partner deliberately flirts, without fear of destroying the family and marriage, being aware of his every word and action. And if this happened when the spouse is pregnant or the husband (child) is seriously ill, when an affair begins with his best friend (girlfriend), this is a knife in the back. This cannot be forgiven.

Although... We remember the preface and the fact that everyone will have a different reaction to what is happening. Everyone is free to make the decision they see fit.

How to forgive the betrayal of a loved one?

If your spouse or someone you care about cheated on you, then you must be feeling hurt, shocked, and unsure of what to do next. If you want to stay in a relationship, now is the time to sort out your feelings, the relationship between you and your partner, and work on moving forward. Forgiving a cheater is never easy, but these few steps will help you get through it.

Decide whether you should forgive the cheater

This is the most important step. Before you do it, you have to decide if it's worth it. No matter how much you love your significant other, you should know that forgiving an infidelity can be one of the most difficult and emotionally challenging things you will ever do.

Take a break to cool down

It doesn't matter if you want to talk about it, yell at the offender, or even hurt him in return - don't do this immediately after you find out about the cheating. If you can't cope with your emotions after finding out about the affair, then it's time to take a break. If you already know about the affair, but your partner does not know that you are aware of it, then you should consider how to tell him how you found out about it.

This is a very difficult step. You may think that the sooner you talk about it, the sooner you can make up your mind, but this is not true. If you start the conversation too early, you may make the situation worse.

Spend some time walking, working, or just crying in your room. Do whatever you need to do to blow off steam and help yourself think clearly.

You may even need to spend a few weeks apart from your partner. If you live together, then this causes its own difficulties, try to spend time with friends, family, or even stay in a hotel if necessary.

Don't blame yourself

This must not be easy and may be one of the most difficult parts of the process. Don't think that your loved one cheated on you because you are not attractive enough, not sociable enough, or too busy with work or children and therefore cannot pay enough attention to your relationship.

Your partner cheated on you and it's his fault. There was nothing you could have done to prevent this behavior (unless you cheated first, but that's a completely different case.)

You should never blame yourself for your partner's cheating, but you can reflect on your actions that may have led to the cooling of your relationship. Reflect on your relationship as a whole.

Also, never let your partner blame you. If this happens, leave immediately.

Summarize your relationship

When you feel empowered, you should think about your relationship with the person who cheated on you. How do you feel about this person? Can you imagine your future without him? Is this really a serious relationship or are you just afraid of breaking up?

What's special about your relationship? Do you really want to forgive the person who cheated on you because you want to maintain a great relationship with him or simply because you are afraid of being alone? If you can't find a reason why your relationship is special, then you should end the relationship.

How would you describe the development of your relationship? Was everything good for a long time and then suddenly went bad, or did everything slowly deteriorate over time? Try to think about the reasons that led to this development of the relationship.

Make sure your partner is committed to making the relationship work

If you decide that you want to forgive this person for certain reasons and your relationship is worth saving, then make sure your partner feels the same way before you commit to months or even years of hard work on the relationship.

Make sure your partner truly regrets what they did. There is a huge difference between talking about it and actually feeling it.

Make sure your partner isn't just sorry, but is also willing to move on with you.

Tip 1: Don’t chop rashly

Do not make a decision in a state of passion in which a person is after learning about the betrayal, from several hours to several days (it all depends on the type of nervous system). Don’t ask yourself such difficult questions: is it possible to forgive, is it necessary, how to move on, get a divorce or not, etc. Take a break, be alone, ideally, go somewhere for a couple of days (out of town, on a visit , to parents). During this time, you need to calm down as much as possible and pull yourself together:

• drink infusions and decoctions of soothing herbs;
• walk more in the fresh air;
• go to the pool or gym;
• lie down for a massage or other spa treatments;
• spend time with friends.

The most important thing at this stage is not to think about what happened, not to stress yourself out and not to make any decisions. This must be done while in a sober mind, that is, calmed down. Only after the stress has subsided slightly, return to a constructive conversation with the cheater. Listen, weigh the pros and cons, consult (with a specialist, parents, friends) to look at the situation objectively.

When can you not forgive betrayal?

But in some cases, betrayal cannot be forgiven. Signs of such a situation are:

1. Unwillingness to repent. If a partner does not realize his mistake, justifies his actions with accusations, considers the situation to be ordinary, you need to understand that such an attitude will invariably lead to a repetition of his action.
2. Repeated betrayal. When a situation is repeated more than once, there is a risk that this will become a habit. In such cases, it is useless to believe promises; a person betrays and does it easily.
3. No promise that the situation will not happen again. This alone should alert you and hint at a desire not to make empty promises.
4. Double life. The fact of treason was hidden for years. If a person lied for so long and skillfully, then it is better not to have any business with him; deception has become the norm for him.
5. The cheater directly says that he has feelings for his lover or mistress and cannot break off the relationship. What's the point of living with someone who doesn't love you anymore?
6. Both of their feelings faded, but no one dared to say it directly. Betrayal will serve as an impetus for a breakup that was inevitable.
7. Inability to forgive. It is impossible to live together, constantly experiencing suffering, always blaming your partner. This will only lead to stress.

In any of these cases, it is worth breaking off the relationship, otherwise you will have to constantly live in anticipation of a repetition of the situation and admit that you are inferior. Being under constant stress is harmful to the psyche.

Tip 5: work on yourself

All people experience the above steps differently. Someone jumps on them and ends up at their final destination within a couple of months. For others, rehabilitation and full awareness of what happened occurs only after a few years. One way or another, all this time we must somehow move on. If you can’t pull yourself together and make a specific decision (to forgive or not), a psychologist’s advice on what to do after cheating will help.

Take a break

To solve a problem in a calm state, you need to distract yourself from it for a while. Stop constantly asking yourself whether to forgive or not. It’s better to cut off all contact with the culprit of the situation for now. What you can focus on:

• throw yourself into your work and career, take on a difficult project or go on a business trip;
• engage in volunteer activities, after which self-pity will disappear;
• arrange home renovations;
• take care of yourself (spa salons, hairdressers, boutiques, manicures, etc.);
• go to the country and “get treatment” with occupational therapy;
• sign up for a swimming pool or gym, ride horses (psychotherapists often recommend hippotherapy in such cases);
• have a party with friends (as an option - men can go fishing, women can go shopping);
• resume old hobbies: play the guitar, write poetry, go dancing, get a camera from a dusty shelf;
• take an unscheduled vacation, go to another city: a change of scenery helps a lot in such cases.

Normalize your life

Strange advice, but, if you look at it, one of the most effective. The fact is that at first, people who find out about the betrayal and don’t know what to do about it become disoriented. They may not eat for several days. Some people lose not only their appetite, but also their sleep. Others don’t even go to work at all. Guys who have experienced a girl's betrayal often start drinking. The state of prostration deprives the feeling of permanence and rooting. This puts the body into even greater stress, greatly undermines health and prevents you from making the right decision. That's why:

1. Get into a daily routine. Make a schedule and follow it strictly.
2. Get enough sleep. Sleep should be long (at least 7-8 hours) and healthy. If you can’t sleep, take sleeping pills (with your doctor’s permission) or sedative herbs.
3. Eat at the same time every day. Avoid starvation or, conversely, overeating.
4. Make sure your diet is balanced.
5. Don't abuse bad habits.
6. Alternate rest with work.
7. Take a walk.
8. Play sports.

You may be interested in: Crises of family life

Take up auto-training

It is very difficult to forgive when betrayal occurs in families where people live in love, understand and respect each other. When a relationship is falling apart at the seams, partners are ready for anything. But here everything was fine: children, home, well-established life - and suddenly such news was like a bolt from the blue. The unexpected always unsettles you. If this is your case, psychological auto-training will help you come to your senses.

• Accept your feelings

Write on paper everything you feel: “I’m angry”, “I’m angry”, “I hate him (her)”, “I can’t forgive this”, “I don’t want to break up”, “I’m hurt”, etc. d. You can write just as briefly, or you can write in more detail. Emotions need to be released. Read everything you have written down three times, tear the paper and throw it away (burn it). Do this every day until the pain subsides. As soon as these phrases leave the idea that you cannot forgive the betrayal, it’s time to make a constructive decision.

• Return to reality

In a state of shock, a person literally loses everything. He forgets basic things and loses his life for several days, or even weeks. This cannot be allowed. In such conditions of existence, you will slow down rehabilitation and delay making a decision - to forgive or not. Therefore, in rare moments of enlightenment, when you remember that you need to go to a parent-teacher meeting, do a craft with your child, visit a friend in the hospital, hand in an important project at work, write it all down. Hang what you wrote on bright sticky notes on the wall. Set reminders on your phone. In a word, literally pull yourself out of depression, forcing you to return to real life.

• Resolve the dilemma

The following psychological technique can help in making a decision. Take a piece of paper and write on it in large letters: “Is it possible to forgive betrayal?” Next, divide it into 2 columns. You call one “Possible”, the second “Cannot”. And fill them with your arguments.

As an example. Why you can't forgive:

• trust has been lost, and without it you can’t build a relationship;
• this is betrayal;
• he (she) has no remorse for what he did;
• there is no desire to build relationships further;
• tired of numerous betrayals;
• you didn’t have time to get married, there is no joint property - it’s not worth starting;
• People around me won’t understand me;
• it is a shame, a stigma, an insult that I cannot forget, etc.

Why you need to forgive:

• the desire to save the family for the sake of the children;
• so as not to wash dirty linen in public, so as not to be embarrassed in front of parents, friends, and others;
• he (she) sincerely repents of what he has done, speaks of love, wants to start from scratch;
• it was an isolated misunderstanding that will not happen again;
• we love each other;
• we have come such a long way together, experienced so much together;
• I benefit from this marriage and I don’t care what he (she) does outside of our relationship.

These are sample lists that can be used to fill these columns. Naturally, they will be different for everyone. Fill them gradually over 3-4 days. Then simply count which arguments are greater and make the right decision relying on the logic of mathematics.

How to forgive your husband's betrayal?

It's already happened. Knowing the reason is important so that this does not happen again in your life, no matter with this man or with another. To prevent this from happening again, you definitely need to change something in the relationship. Therefore, to further build relationships in loyalty to each other, find your reason among them and from today begin to build relationships in a new way.

It doesn’t matter whether you are going to leave your husband or want to save the relationship and start building it differently, in fidelity and mutual respect. We present to you three steps that you should follow in order to forgive your husband and get out of the low emotional level you are currently at. So, how to forgive your husband’s betrayal and move on - three steps:

Step 1: Acceptance and Forgiveness

If you find out the reason why this happened, then frankly, calmly, without hysterics, talk to your husband about this reason. If the reason remains unclear to you, try to gently and patiently find out through a sincere conversation. If a man is interested in you forgiving him, he will do everything to convey to you the true essence of what happened.

Reasons such as “I couldn’t restrain myself” or “I got drunk and didn’t control myself” are not suitable. These are rather consequences of some deeper reason. If harmony, trust and understanding reign in your family, your man will never lose control of himself, this simply will not happen to him. Therefore, look deeper for the reason.

Try to get to the bottom of it together. If you feel that your husband is avoiding sincere confession, gently continue the conversation. Understand that life always returns us to the same situations until we learn our lesson. Until you get to the bottom of the true reason and are trying to turn a blind eye to it, the situation will repeat itself in your life again and again. Therefore, this is important first of all for you. Once you understand the reason, you should feel better.

Step 2. His responsibility

The next step towards forgiveness should be the man's. He must take responsibility for what happened and do everything on his part so that you forgive him. Your role in this is to express what you don’t like, say what you would like to hear from him, talk about your needs.

If this seems difficult to you or you think that the man will not do as you ask, then you are probably in the role of a victim in the relationship. How to get out of it and learn to express everything that you don’t like and doesn’t suit you, read in this article.

Talk to your husband frankly and convey to him exactly what actions he must take in order for you to forgive him. What actions or words did he say that might help you forgive? Think about what needs to happen, what he should do or how to behave so that it will help you forgive?

Step 3: Letting Go

The last step in forgiveness should be the symbolic release of the offense. Write down on a piece of paper all the thoughts that you have related to this betrayal. All the thoughts you want to let go of. Write it yourself and ask your husband to do the same. There is no need to read each other's sheets. Crumple them and burn them together. It is advisable to do this near any body of water and float it along the water. Or, as a last resort, open the window and throw the burned sheet outside.

Preface

Before understanding the question of how to forgive betrayal, you need to understand one simple truth. Psychology is a very subtle science that deals with personalities, characters, souls, each of which is individual and unlike the others. There are temperaments, psychotypes, accentuations - they all behave differently in the same situation.

For example, what will people with different types of temperament do when they learn about cheating?

• Phlegmatic person

Will not throw tantrums or cry. Alone, he will silently think about everything and draw conclusions. In most cases, it is this type that forgives betrayal sincerely, but... only until next time. This is a very reasonable type who, after the second betrayal, will still silently pack his bags and leave home. He will worry, but deep inside himself.

• Sanguine

He will hold “serious” conversations and try to find compromises. But in general, he takes such life insinuations lightly. If a loved one (beloved) repents and asks for forgiveness, he will forgive, although he will harbor a grudge somewhere inside. Subsequently, he may occasionally remember this, but he will not abuse reproaches. Sanguine people are able to withstand the blows of fate. And, if they truly love, they can forgive betrayal even more than once.

• Choleric

God forbid that choleric changes. He will arrange the second end of the world when he finds out about everything. Scandals, hysterics, tears are guaranteed. In a fit of anger, he is capable of hitting and uttering hurtful words. It will take a long time and loudly to sort things out. He is unlikely to be able to forgive. More likely, he will be thrown out of the house. He will also take the children. And the house and car will probably be sued.

• Melancholic

He will cry quietly and bitterly. He will lie on the bed all day long, staring at the wall and refusing to eat. He will close himself off, survive and grind everything within himself. After being depressed for a week (give or take), he will leave the room, say that he has forgiven everything and will begin to live as before. But in fact, the melancholic person will secretly relive this insult again and again and cry at night. The saddest thing is that this will be repeated every time if this terrible situation turns out to be not an isolated one.

This brief description clearly demonstrates that all people have different attitudes towards betrayal. And these are only 4 types of temperament. Even in psychology, 11 personality accentuations are recognized (according to Lichko’s classification).

Plus, in socionics there are 16 psychotypes. And each of them has his own vision of the situation. Therefore, even specialized specialists do not have a single correct answer as to whether this is necessary and whether it is even possible to forgive it. All advice is general and recommendatory in nature. Each individual situation requires a deep and thorough analysis.

And now that this idea has been grasped, you can listen to psychologists what they say about forgiving cheaters.

How to forgive your wife's betrayal?

The news of a loved one's adultery causes a monstrous storm in the head. The worst and most painful feelings torment the soul - resentment, anger, desire for revenge, to pour out accumulated aggression, despair, uncertainty about the future. The best way out is to take a break and get your nerves in order. Only by calming down and thinking about the situation can you find the right way out. What should you do if you have not completely lost trust in your beloved and your wife begs you to forgive the betrayal:

1. Analyze your past life, look for your own mistakes that influenced your spouse’s actions.
2. We need to figure out exactly what devils were guiding his wife, and how sincere her current repentance is.
3. Think carefully about whether you are able to continue to exist next to your wife and stay in the same bed after cheating.
4. Decide whether your love is so strong and forgiving. Understand right away that it will be extremely difficult to achieve the former well-being in a relationship without mutual compromises.
5. Have a frank conversation, even if it threatens an unpleasant squabble with mutual reproaches.
6. Try to discuss the situation in your unhappy marriage together.
7. If you can’t completely forget the betrayal, then try to perceive it as the consequences of temporary insanity.
8. Try to forgive your wife sincerely. By periodically throwing hints and memories of betrayal in your face, you will instantly worsen the cracks in the relationship.

Afterword

After the decision has already been made and voiced, you will have to continue working on yourself, regardless of whether you have forgiven the betrayal or not. What exactly needs to be done:

• do not blame your loved one for what happened;
• eliminate quarrels on this basis;
• learn to trust again;
• avoid blues and depression;
• stop living only in relationships;
• fill your life with new hobbies, friends, interests.

If nothing helps, you just can’t forgive and get out of depression, it is advisable to make an appointment with a psychologist.

If you can't forgive betrayal?

If you cannot forgive your partner, then it is better to leave. If you have already tried everything, but you feel that you are still full of anger and resentment, and cannot find a way to move on, then it’s time to call it a day. If you can't communicate with your partner, let alone touch them, or if you always feel like your partner is always surrounded by the opposite sex, then it's time to end the relationship.

It's much better to end a relationship than to force yourself to find a reason why it's not working. Your resentment may only grow and may lead you to hurt the other person by cheating on them or become so emotionally distant that communication becomes impossible.

Remember that even if a person has made great efforts to become a better person after cheating, it may simply be too late. Just because a person is trying very hard right now, you shouldn't hold on to him if you understand that this is not necessary.

You can feel proud that you tried to get through something incredibly difficult, even if it didn't end in success. In any case, it requires enormous courage.

What psychologists say2

Psychologists have been scratching their heads over such a phenomenon as betrayal. They clearly defined what kind of betrayal there is, and which of them is the most terrible, if we assume that betrayal can be more or less terrible.

So:

• a chance meeting that ended in sexual intimacy. With such betrayals, further continuation of the relationship does not occur. Psychologists consider such betrayal to be the least painful. Very often such intimacy occurs under the influence of alcohol, in a romantic setting and, in general, one does not always remember with whom the intimacy actually happened;
• cheating, in which one of the partners starts a relationship. Such relationships can last a very long time. As a rule, in such cases, the wife or husband does not know about the “understudy”, and if they do, they are afraid of losing their spouse and prefer to pretend that nothing is happening. And the culprit of such a triangle himself is not going to change anything, he is satisfied with everything. This is a very dangerous type of treason. Such infidelity wears on all three for many years;
• Another type is a person who has not one, but several lovers on the side. By the way, they are constantly changing. This speaks of a person’s fickleness, of his frivolous attitude towards the institution of family and marriage;

• Cheating is like a problematic relationship in a marriage. If a person in the family is not understood, not respected, if he does not receive the warmth that he needs, he will look for it on the side. And he will find it;
• betrayal is emotional. That is, a woman or man has a spiritual friend with whom it is very easy to communicate, they are drawn to him, they miss him, but there is no intimacy with such a person. Such relationships can last indefinitely, or they can fall apart at any moment.

How to avoid cheating in the future?

Cheating cannot be considered the reason for the breakdown of your relationship with your other half. This is rather a consequence. It wouldn’t even occur to either spouse to cheat just like that. First, there is some discord in the relationship, and only then against this background does betrayal occur.

Even if it seems to you that the betrayal occurred for no apparent reason, then you are deeply mistaken. Perhaps you simply missed the moment when family relationships took a negative turn.

Unfortunately, until now experts have not been able to find a universal recipe that would help many couples avoid infidelity. For each individual case it is worth looking for your own solution to the problem. But how can you recognize the alarm bell that signals that love has begun to crumble?

Despite all the nuances, there are several important levers that will help spouses avoid cheating. True, you should learn to use them correctly.

In family relationships, you should never tolerate disrespect towards your partner.

Many married couples make a huge mistake, sorting things out with each other in a raised voice, uttering insulting and not entirely flattering words towards each other.

Knowing about their weak points, they “hit” each other where it hurts the most. It seems to many that after reconciliation, all these offensive phrases spoken in the heat of emotion are forgotten. But no, the words, unfortunately, do not return back to their authors, but remain in the souls of those to whom they were addressed.

Alas, respect in this scenario completely disappears, and, as you know, without respect one cannot talk about the harmonious development of relations between lovers. We can say that betrayal becomes the logical conclusion of outdated love.

You need to constantly monitor your appearance

No matter how much family partners love each other, they should not forget about their own appearance. No matter how strange it may sound, it is appearance that plays one of the main roles in the relationship between a man and a woman.

When a representative of the fairer sex stops caring for herself, her man, on a subconscious level, begins to look for a more attractive object for courtship on the side. No, love for your wife, of course, does not go away, but men, as you know, love with their eyes and want to see an attractive woman next to them.

Don't allow indifference in relationships

Partners in family relationships often forget to show due attention to their loved ones and do not look at the happy and unsuccessful moments in the life of their other half.

The spouses seem to be confident that they have love, but at the same time they experience a certain indifference. What kind of love can we talk about in this case in a family where everyone is for himself? And in relationships where there is no love, betrayal often becomes a natural phenomenon.

Constantly fight for your own love

The nature of betrayal can be completely different. Sometimes they can only be provocations of ill-wishers, and sometimes even ordinary inventions of their own.

If you really have feelings for your partner, fight for your own love. Even if it is too painful and unclear how you can continue to live with a person who could betray you, do not forget that in our life all situations can be interpreted in two ways.

Try to look at the situation from a different angle. It is likely that the current crisis will become a new stage in family relationships, which will only strengthen them. If you find the strength to forgive your lover and return your old feelings, then, without a doubt, you will be able to find family happiness again.

Tip 3: Try to understand

Even though it sounds crazy, still try to understand the one who cheated. After all, you asked yourself how this can be forgiven, which means you fully admit this possibility. For everything to work out and end well, at least try to put yourself in her (his) place.

Why do men cheat?

To forgive her husband’s infidelity, a wife should think about what brought him to another woman’s bed. According to psychologists, they are most often driven by the following motives:

• pure physiology: sexual dissatisfaction in family life, long absence of sex, polygamy, momentary weakness (fallen for a pretty face, size 4 breasts and slender legs);
• desire for novelty and bright emotions: a man does not tolerate routine and monotony in marriage and sex;
• escape from problems: if the family is a source of endless difficulties for him (mortgage, debts, illness of children, quarrels with mother-in-law);
• confirmation of “status”: a rich and successful man must have yachts, country mansions, a prestigious position and a mistress (so-called false values);
• loneliness: if a woman does not support her husband, does not inspire him to heroic deeds, is not interested in his life;
• constant conflicts;
• alcohol (drug) intoxication;
• mental immaturity, inability to take responsibility for one’s actions;
• the desire for self-affirmation, when in the family he is simply not appreciated or respected;
• midlife crisis, when a reassessment of values ​​occurs and a desire to change something arises.

Which of these reasons do you think made your loved one do this? Do you understand him more now than before? Will you be able to forgive your husband after cheating if his motives have become obvious? It's up to you to decide!

Why do women cheat?

It is much more difficult for a man to forgive his wife for his betrayal. He is the alpha male, the head of the family, the owner, etc. But, if you love her very much, look at the situation through her eyes. Here are the reasons that force women to walk to the left most often:

• emotional vacuum, lack of love, care, attention;
• money: a rich lover is an opportunity to get beautiful things at a time when the husband earns negligible;
• sexual dissatisfaction, when a man comes home from work tired and unable to do much in terms of bed;
• revenge: if a man allows himself to flirt with other women, come home late without explanation and even cheat;
• the husband is a tyrant, manipulator and jealous: a woman will still find a way to break out of such shackles (the forbidden fruit is sweet);
• alcohol intoxication;
• age difference;
• career advancement: a woman starts an affair with her boss in order to achieve a promotion;
• the corrupting influence of society and friends (“Svetka has a lover - why shouldn’t I have one?”).

If it is not possible to find out the real reason for what happened, try to talk with the one who cheated, to bring him into a confidential conversation. This will ease his soul, and will help you understand whether it’s worth forgiving the betrayal.

On a note. In fact, both lists are quite arbitrary and interpenetrating. The reasons why men cheat can make women do the same. And vice versa. Psychologists simply prioritized which factors were more characteristic of one or the other.

Which decision is more difficult to make?

The most difficult decision is to forgive a man. Even if you decide to take this chance, you do not fully understand what you will have to face ahead.

Photo by Sharon McCutcheon on Unsplash

• At first, thoughts arise that it is better not to pay attention to infidelity than to break up and be left alone with financial problems, children, alone. But time will pass, and you will realize that your imagination regularly paints a picture of what happened: his words, his actions. Touching. The irritation will only increase.
• Even if your husband is meek and affectionate as never before, you will begin to find fault with him over little things that you would not have paid attention to before. Quarrels and scandals occur out of the blue.

• If a man doesn’t come home from work on time, then you’ll torment yourself with thoughts about where he is, who he’s with. Often women start checking their laptop, phone, email, social networks. The husband will start to get angry. This behavior is explained by a loss of trust.

If you decide to stay in a relationship, be prepared that you will have to face these moments. Trust is a fragile feeling; you have to go through a lot before it returns. Both men and women need to be prepared for this.