Many people in relationships regularly wonder how to stop being jealous and overthinking themselves in order to find harmony with their partner. However, not everyone is able to find the correct answer.
Some succumb to this toxic feeling and start regular domestic scandals that destroy a once happy union. Others begin to monitor their partner and constantly monitor him, resembling employees of repressive agencies.
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Both options, naturally, do not suit us, because a healthy relationship is love and trust. Sometimes there is no escape from jealousy, but it should not turn into complete destructiveness.
Now we will figure out what the main reasons for jealousy are and what to do about it. If you think you need to work in this area, be sure to take a closer look at our recommendations.
Why are we jealous?
Before we understand ways to overcome this feeling, we need to understand why we succumb to jealousy in the first place. To do this, we present the opinion of the American psychologist Seth Meyers, who has written more than one work on family psychology.
How to extinguish jealousy and doubts about your beloved guy: advice from psychologists
Psychologists have long given advice on how to learn not to be jealous of your man. And they answered the question about whether it is possible to get rid of mistrust in a guy. There are quite a lot of clients who come with the question “What should I do if I’m jealous of a guy for everyone?” Of course, it is better to contact a specialist yourself to solve the problem, taking into account your characteristics and the subtleties of your case.
But we will share five recommendations that will help you start putting things in order in your head and relationships and give you a clearer vision of the problem and situation.
- Find the roots of your jealousy. Track whether the man is doing something that causes suspicion and jealousy, or whether your jealousy exists somewhat separately from reality and is not based on facts.
- Admit to yourself that you are afraid of losing your partner. Live with this fear, acknowledge it. Don't try to convince yourself otherwise. People are really capable of deception, and it can happen at any moment, even if you don’t expect it at all and the young man is really in love and prone to fidelity. To calm fear, you first need to accept it. The situation really is like this, and there is no way to play it safe. However, you chose this person. He chose you too. Yes, this may change, but until this happens, there is no point in being afraid of such a turn. Once the fear is accepted, make sure that right now you have no reason for it. If this is so, in the end you will not suppress your own feelings (which never leads to anything good), but you will also stop focusing on irrelevant ones.
- If jealousy has a real reason, talk to your partner about it. Explain that you are worried about his flirting with other girls or because he spends too little time with you, in your opinion. And if he suggested breaking up, then forget and let him go.
Use “I messages” to ensure that responsibility is shared correctly. Not “you ignore me because of your friends and work”, not “you make me nervous when you flirt with others”, but “I worry that you spend less time with me than I would like”, “I I get excited when you show such attention to other girls.” This way, responsibility will be distributed correctly, the person will not be offended, and you will communicate your own feelings and reactions rather than blaming them for them.
- Try to increase your fear. You can do this through the body, concentrating on it and taking a position that suggests itself. Strengthen this position: if you freeze, tense your muscles. If your shoulders and arms drop, lower them as much as possible. If you want to shrink into a ball, let it be as compressed a ball as possible. By enhancing your bodily sensations, you will help your feelings reach their maximum and you will be able to live them. Think about what your fear or jealousy is leading to. Let's say you are afraid that he devotes a lot of time to another girl. And then what? Over time, communicating with her will become more important than communicating with you. And then what? Continue the chain until you reach its root - that very big fear that gave rise to jealousy. This way you will learn more about her and yourself, and it will become easier to work with her further.
- Request support from a partner. If it just seems to you that he is not paying enough attention to you, ask for this attention. He will give it to you if he really appreciates and loves you. To begin with, you don’t have to talk about incipient jealousy, just ask him to stay with you longer, arrange something together, ask him to talk about his feelings or do something nice. Your partner may not realize that you are missing something. The relationship won't break if you ask for more attention or even describe how much you actually need. On the contrary, you may not need to return to this topic, and he will know how to treat you correctly.
You have a unique opportunity to chat with a professional psychologist for free for 20 minutes. It will help you get rid of jealousy once and for all. Just go to the website psy-chat.ru and leave a request to select a psychologist. A specialist will write to you in 2 minutes in the specified messenger.
What to do with jealousy?
It's time to move on to the most important part of our guide. In it we will figure out how to stop being jealous of your wife or girlfriend and improve your relationship. The recommendations given were borrowed from Robert Leahy, a doctor of psychology and professor at Yale University.
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"Symptoms" of jealous behavior
Manifestations of jealousy depend on the characteristics of the person himself, his character and temperament. For example, there may be causeless outbursts of rage, quarrels, and control over communication with third parties. A jealous person often asks about leisure time spent outside the home, waits for them to return from work or school, and studies their phone, email and SMS.
Another option is the desire to attract the attention of an adored object. In this case, jealous people can even change their appearance in accordance with the ideal of their partner. For example, plump girls lose weight, become blondes or brunettes, etc.
At the same time, it is possible to highlight differences in the manifestations of jealousy among women and representatives of the stronger sex. Nice ladies often delve into themselves and experience anxiety, but in some situations they throw up scenes of jealousy and show their partners hysterical attacks.
Young people try to control their lovers, perhaps even using physical force (even assault). Some men become more strict and cold when dealing with objects of passion.
And yet, we can identify general “symptoms” of jealousy:
- increased attachment to the object of passion;
- the desire to control his actions, limit his circle of contacts;
- relationship anxiety;
- the desire to be close to a loved one;
- negativity towards those people who communicate and interact with the object of jealousy.
There are often situations when jealous people hide their own negative emotions, either ashamed of it or afraid that the object of passion will break off the relationship. It’s good if you can cope with jealousy with simple willpower, but most often a deep study of this condition is required.
Don't do this if you don't want to lose her
Jealousy pushes you to rash actions. Smart, adequate men create such trash that you can at least post it on Pikabu.
Don't repeat the mistakes of your predecessors! Never:
- do not check her phone and computer;
This is not difficult to do, especially if you live together. But why? If you want to know about the past, ask to see photographs. She herself will tell you more than you can find in half an hour of access to forbidden files.
Monitoring calls is a stupid initiative. Anyone can be signed in any way. And checking every contact is tedious. And it may turn out like in the joke:
- What is this new Lena in your phone?! I called, and there was a man’s voice!
- Oh, you met. This is Oleg! Lenkin husband. A fool like you. I decided to check what kind of new Alina was on Lena’s phone.
- do not hack social networks;
Smart girls remove all incriminating evidence immediately. Therefore, even if it was, you will not know. But it’s easier than ever to sleep on something like this. It won't be easy to explain.
- do not install trackers;
Tracking programs are low. It says... It doesn’t speak, but straight up screams: “I DON’T TRUST YOU AND I’M LOOKING FOR WHERE YOU ARE LYING TO ME!”
- do not interrogate;
If you want answers, ask questions. Respectfully, calmly, like a friend. And remember that any free person has the right not to answer your questions. This doesn't always mean she has secrets. Sometimes it's just a struggle for boundaries, personal freedom and self-esteem.
Here are two questions about the same thing:
“Where have you been?!” Answer immediately!
And
“Zai, you look tired. Did someone upset you?"
In answer to the first question, you can get hit in the leg with a frying pan. And I would like to answer the second question in detail, even if such a conversation was not part of the plans.
- don't limit freedom.
If he wants to go, let him go. If he wants to go, let him go. Do you need to be in the know? Indicate your position:
“Go have fun. Seryoga and I were just about to meet. Just don't go alone at night. Call me, I’ll come and meet you.”
The intrusive calls infuriate her and force her to make excuses to her friends. Your attempts to control her every move are annoying. You yourself create a situation where it is easier for her to refuse the relationship. Why endure all this persecution and quarrel?
Exercise:
Remove yourself from the situation. Don't think about your current passion. Imagine yourself in 10-20 years. You are your daughter's dad.
My daughter is old enough to date boys. And loves you enough to talk about potential suitors.
Her new boyfriend is very jealous. Behaves the way you do now. Calls, tracks, checks, swears. What will you tell your daughter? What do you advise me to do? How will you feel as a man whose little girl seems to be being bullied?
Your wife's past and what it means
Some men may even be jealous of what happened “under the King Pea.” This is especially common in young people with possessiveness. Often thoughts about his ex-wife make the husband angry and furious.
In this situation, you need to understand the reason for the indignation. Maybe you think that your object of adoration was happier before you? Or is her ex more attractive and better looking than you? Perhaps you are not able to come to terms with the fact that your wife had someone before you? Let's figure it out:
- The solution to the first reason is quite simple - you should devote more time to your spouse. Take her to restaurants, travel with her to other cities and countries, thereby getting good words of affection from her.
- If you compare your appearance with the external data of your ex-wife, while elevating the other, then most likely you suffer from an inferiority complex. You should do a tremendous amount of work on yourself, preferably with a psychologist. In his office you will understand why your beloved chose you, and at the same time you will begin to value yourself as a person! You will stop being jealous of your spouse for no apparent reason.
- Understand that you are not the only person on planet Earth, and it is normal that your lover used to have someone. Then she didn’t even know about your existence and thought that that person was a great option! When she met you, her opinion changed dramatically, and now she is really happy with you!
