I really like the phrase that a friend of mine, a very respected person, once said: “No one should be allowed into the bedroom except the spouses.” And these words meant those problems of an intimate nature that arise between two people, spouses, and not just visiting a room with a double bed. But, unfortunately, at all times, people are forced to seek help from specialists when sensitive issues arise that are not usually discussed.
One of the most difficult questions that worries the fair half of humanity is the question: “What should I do if I don’t want a husband?” Agree, this is not a topic of conversation that will easily go over a cup of tea surrounded by relatives. “I love my husband, but I don’t want him at all. What should I do?" - the spouse is worried and is looking for answers in books, on the Internet... Let's together find out the reasons for such cooling towards a loved one and look for ways out of the current situation.
I don't want a husband anymore
“There was a time when we could make love absolutely anywhere. It was mind blowing for both of us. And I remember how, when leaving, I counted the minutes, I wanted so much to hug him, to cuddle up to him. When we met, the first thing we did was throw ourselves into bed. If there was no bed, go into the bushes. If there were no bushes - in the car. Any place was suitable. But, that's all gone. Children were born. I don't want a husband anymore. Why don't I want a husband anymore? I can’t answer this question for myself...”
Psychologist's comment
Answers to the question “Why don’t I want a husband anymore?” will probably be unexpected and sometimes unpleasant for you.
1.You don’t want a husband anymore because you have completed the task that nature set for you.
You met a man, you developed an attraction that led to you getting pregnant and having children.
And, it very often happens that it is after the birth of children that a woman turns on the so-called maternal dominant in the brain. Which refocuses the efforts of her psyche NOT on the process of reproduction, but on the process of raising and surviving her children and maintaining the family hearth.
It is so intended by nature that as the task of reproduction is completed with a certain male, this switch occurs in the woman.
And there is absolutely no need to be upset about this, because there is a way out of this situation, and I will tell you about it below.
In addition, as they write everywhere, factors work against libido:
2. Chronic fatigue
Everything is clear here.
3. Poor organization of your life
When you simply cannot organize yourself in such a way as to make time for a romantic meeting with your husband.
4.Health problems
And, most often, hormonal imbalances. And, this may be caused by:
- -Taking birth control pills (they reduce hormones to a minimum, and with them libido)
- -Premenopause and menopause
- -Diseases of the endocrine system
In general, it is worth saying that, in principle, female hormonal changes are a very interesting thing. You have probably noticed that over the course of a month your desire for your husband fluctuates from “I want it madly, I’m ready to climb the wall” to “don’t come near me, you disgust me.”
This is all due only to fluctuations in female hormones. Therefore, in general, this is the norm.
But there are still serious health problems.
And, if you say that “I don’t want a husband anymore and I don’t want to live with him” and at the same time, you suspect that this may be caused by health problems, then it’s worth getting examined.
Don't be open with your friends
If you are experiencing problems of an intimate nature, if you have lost attraction to your husband, you should not tell your friends about it. The advice of other women cannot always be trusted. In addition, by saying such things, you can turn yourself against your spouse even more. And you shouldn’t listen to other people’s stories either. Women tend to project other people's negative situations onto themselves.
I don’t want a husband at all - I want another
“I don’t want a husband, I want another.” This happens at that stage of your relationship with your husband when you are disappointed that you can establish a normal relationship with him. Which will bring you back to wanting to have sex with him.
It is the feeling of disappointment that is the point of no return that makes you want something else if there is nothing wrong with your libido.
And it’s not at all necessary that your husband is some kind of bad person, or a drunkard or a drug addict or a terrible sociopath. Not at all. He can be a very good, wonderful person. But at the same time, he does not give his wife those emotions and does not cover those needs that are really important to you.
As an example, the most common one, I will give this situation.
A completely wonderful man in all respects, his parents’ family simply did not teach him how to properly show attention to a woman. He does not have the option of giving flowers for no reason, making small gifts for no reason, or telling her every day that she is the most beautiful, the best, the most desirable.
Or he doesn’t know how to listen to her well and competently. The correct way to listen to a woman is to give her 15-20 minutes to speak out (without advice or attempts to solve the problem!) and only repeat to her “I understand. Continue". This is the advice of John Gray, a world-renowned professor of female-male relationships, whose book “Men Are From Mars, Women Are From Venus” is probably familiar to you.
And this situation described above is the most common one that leads women to disappointment in a man.
But, of course, in your case he may be an alcoholic, a drug addict, a psychopath, or someone else.
In any case, if your libido is preserved, but psychologically you are disappointed in your husband, then your libido will push you into a relationship with another man.
How to deal with this?
If the desire of your legal spouse is still absent, you can use the following recommendations:
- wait until the ovulation period, during which sexual desire increases significantly;
- use a special lubricant that promotes arousal;
- take medications that dilate blood vessels, which will have a positive effect on a woman’s sexual mood. Before using them, you should consult a gynecologist.
Important! The ideal solution to the problem is a joint vacation. When choosing a vacation spot, you should give preference to a resort with a minimum number of attractions, preferably without the Internet and television. This will give you time for communication and, of course, sex life.
I don’t want to cheat on my husband, although I don’t want intimacy with him.
A dual situation: I don’t want a husband, but I don’t want to cheat on my husband. This moment causes such dissonance in consciousness that it looks like a brain explosion.
“And I don’t want a husband and I don’t want to cheat on my husband” - let’s see what could cause such dissonance.
“I don’t want to cheat on my husband” is wonderful. This suggests that you have excellent moral principles . You remain faithful to him, even at the moment when you already realized that your libido is silent and sad at the sight of him. In this situation, you still hope that it will change. That something will happen, there will be some advice (from a psychologist) and something can be fixed.
If you don't want to cheat on your husband, then don't cheat.
Build emotional intimacy
If a woman does not want intimacy, this does not mean that she has stopped loving her husband. Perhaps the monotonous life and frequent arguments led to a loss of emotional intimacy. To resolve this issue, take the following steps:
- Show interest and understanding of each other's experiences.
- Learn to talk and listen to each other. The sooner you tell your spouse about your grievances, the sooner the conflict will be resolved.
- Respect each other. Learn to appreciate what your partner does for you.
- Please each other. Do something nice in your everyday life. This is an important step towards harmony in your intimate life.
- Learn to be forgiving of your partner's shortcomings. If you got married, it means you experienced love despite the flaws.
- Make common plans, do everything together. Vigorous joint activity will undoubtedly have a positive effect on your sex life.
I don’t want a husband, what should I do? Psychologist's advice
1. Find out whether decreased libido is a consequence of health problems.
And, most often, some hormonal problems.
For this purpose, there are doctors such as gynecologists, endocrinologists who will help direct you to the analysis you need. Tell you what exactly you need to hand over.
Most often you need to take hormones such as:
- Women - estrogens;
- follicle-stimulating hormone (FSH);
- prolactin;
- progesterone
- and, Testosterone
All of them can have an impact on your libido. If there are some serious problems with them, then, of course, what kind of desire can we talk about? Hormone therapy is required.
Just hormonal fluctuations
If no serious problems with hormones have been identified, it’s just that during the month your libido and desire for your husband varies from zero and even negative to very high.
And this happens all the time, and you notice it, then we decide that these are just normal hormonal changes during the cycle.
In principle, this is normal for most women of reproductive age.
And in this situation I can give one piece of advice:
When you really want it, seize these moments, grab your husband and enjoy the intimacy, eat it up. So that your appetites are fully satisfied.
And in those moments when you don’t feel like it, just take it calmly, with the understanding that your hormones are now sleeping and your libido is sleeping along with them. He is sleeping, not dead.
In this situation, you can simply “Give” to your husband. At the same time, explain to him that “my hormones are now dormant, and along with them my libido is dormant.” Therefore, dear, beloved, sweet husband, I can just give it to you now - if you want, here you go.
If there are unresolved conflicts and difficult feelings between you
If you understand that the reason for the decrease in your desire for your husband is heavy feelings and unresolved conflicts leading to difficult feelings: guilt, resentment, fear, shame, disappointment. Then, in this case, it is necessary to work out these open gestalts.
In general, it is very important for our psychological health not to suppress or repress all these things. Or at least talk it out. Or with my husband, if possible. Or with a psychologist. But it is very important for us to do this.
And this is not only for returning to a normal sex life. This also affects your overall performance. And to your common desire to enjoy life and the World.
4. Improper organization of your life
If the reason that you say “I don’t want a husband” is the incorrect organization of your life, then I can also give you good advice, it is:
Learn to organize your life. Learn to set not only the goal of “sending your children to an English club or a swimming pool. Prepare food”, etc. Also set the Goal “Romantic meeting with your husband.” Keep this on your to-do list.
And treat this as an independent necessary task. Because, believe me, an intimate, joyful meeting gives you a charge of energy, happiness, and health.
This is very important, and no less important than sitting with girlfriends, or going to the garden, etc.
Why is there no sexual attraction to my husband?
So, why don't you want to sleep with your husband? Let's put aside all embarrassment and turn to the term itself. What is sex? Upon request, the following definition is most often given: “human activity with the aim of obtaining a set of mental and physiological reactions, experiences and actions associated with the manifestation and satisfaction of sexual desire or the desire to procreate.”
I would like to move away from physiology for now; we will talk about it a little later. Mental reactions. Women are more psycho-emotionally dependent on their partner; many women do not so much need intimacy and receiving final pleasure as they need a feeling of unity, a feeling of closeness and kinship of souls, an understanding of their desirability and need in the life of their beloved man.
Listen to yourself: perhaps your reluctance to go to bed with your spouse is due precisely to the cooling in your human relationships? Maybe, yes, initially passion rolled in like a wave, you both choked, drowning in happiness and silk underwear, but never had time to meet? You didn’t have time to become each other’s friends, interlocutors, maybe you were just each other’s lovers from the very beginning? In this case, now is the time when you can and even need to just talk to your man, spend an unlimited amount of time with him and not under the covers. I guarantee you will learn a lot of new things about his passions, interests, his childhood, some funny moments of his biography. This way the person will become even closer, even dearer, and perhaps the desire will awaken again. Maybe not as soon as we would like, but it’s still worth trying to open up to each other.
Communication has many benefits. Women are by nature gentle creatures and not everyone can so simply talk about their experiences and inconveniences in an intimate way. Back in the Victorian era, women in the marital bedroom did not have the right to any movements or emotions. They simply lay there for the pleasure of their men, and a random movement of a woman could easily result in an ordinary question: “Did I hurt you?” What's it like? These are not magical films about love, women really existed like that.
But what prevents the spouse from now turning to a loved one with a question or suggestion? Progress has stepped forward. And if there is any discomfort that discourages any attraction to your husband, it is better to voice it. Don’t be afraid to offend, a loved one will understand and help solve the problem. Painful sensations, uncomfortable positions, too little or, on the contrary, a long time for the process itself, lack of hygiene (this also happens) - all this must be discussed with the man.
Many women claim that lack of desire is due to fatigue. Some people experience physical fatigue, when it is impossible to even move their hand, they want to lie down and merge with the bed. Hard work, life, raising children. And there is absolutely no strength left for the spouse. In this case, you need to ask for a day off. And not only at work, but also in the family. Give the children to the grandmother, entrust the cooking and cleaning to your husband, I think for one day he will be able to share this burden with you, and just go for a walk, get some fresh air, meet with friends or think alone, it all depends on temperament. Going to the pool or lying on the couch all day doesn’t matter. The main thing is to give yourself the opportunity to rest and relax. It is advisable to arrange such a day off for yourself not once a year, when the body is already exhausted to the limit, but at least twice a month. Don’t forget to remind yourself: “I’m alone at home. You have to love yourself."
I foresee objections: yes, I don’t get excited at all
In this case, I can recommend periodically reading erotic literature and watching erotic films. Because our brain is programmed to imitate and imitate.
That is, the brain thinks: if others are doing it, it means your nervous system receives a signal that you can do this too and you need it too.
Also, be beautiful. Be sure to buy yourself some nice underwear... Wear it even if you are just going to work. The very thought of what you are wearing provokes ideas of a sexual nature.
And in this way we can solve the problem “I don’t want a husband.” I wish everyone peace and love!
Bring newness to intimate relationships
If a woman has lost desire, perhaps it is not her or even the man. If you eat the same dish for a long period of time, with the same spices, you will quickly get bored. It's the same with sex. To want your spouse again, you need to introduce some novelty into your intimate relationships. Try these tips:
- Create a romantic atmosphere. It could be candles, hearts, flower petals - anything. Be sure to take care of the appropriate musical accompaniment. It is also recommended to light incense.
- Try role-playing games. Based on their experience as psychologists, this measure saved many relationships. If you are no longer attracted to your spouse, you may want him again if he appears in a new way.
- Buy some nice lingerie. Feeling beautiful in seductive things, you will probably look at your spouse differently.
- Try sex toys. There's nothing wrong with that. In addition, you don’t have to go to a sex shop in person—you can order everything in the online store. Such things greatly refresh family life.
- Watch films for adults. They will inspire you to new intimate achievements and refresh your desire.
Relationship problems2
If there is no sex in your union, think about whether everything is smooth between you. Only a few women experience an irresistible sexual desire like men. 1-3% of the population are considered asexuals (people who are unable to experience sexual attraction).
Most representatives of the fairer sex depend on the moral side of the issue, that is, the relationship with the man itself is important to them. At the stage of falling in love, incompatibility in views and sex is not striking. A huge amount of hormones enter the human body, which push them to have intercourse and conceive children. But falling in love passes and sensitive moments are revealed.
