Raising children - it decides their fate and destiny, so parents have no right to make mistakes

Raising children is a complex task that lasts from the moment a child arrives in your family. Sometimes the behavior of their beloved child confuses loving parents, and it seems that there is simply no way out of the current situation. However, there is always a way out, you just need to think about your actions towards the child, analyze your child’s behavior, find out why he behaves intolerably, try to look at the problems of education through the eyes of the child.

Parents should know the basics of child psychology

Communication between parents and child plays an important role in education. Many experts claim that this is the most important and effective way to influence behavior and character in childhood, which will subsequently play a great role in shaping the future personality and outlook on children’s lives.

Trusting relationship between parents and children

Below are articles on the topic “child psychology”, “raising a child”, which all parents should read so as not to make mistakes in raising a child.

What is child psychology - definition

An article about how to calm children during conflicts

Most parents have no idea how to convince a child to behave calmly, or how to find an approach in childhood with their child.

Raising children who have reached adolescence is a headache for many parents. The child’s psychology changes dramatically, his mood often changes. A few minutes ago, communication with the child’s parents was very pleasing; he was telling adults about his studies, his achievements and his life in society, but after a while the child seemed to be replaced. He begins to be capricious, demand to buy him expensive things or ask to go for a night walk. Don’t let this behavior scare you, since the child’s psyche is changing, this is considered normal behavior in children.

What to do in case of conflict? Keep calm

At such a fairly young age, children themselves understand on a subconscious level that they are behaving incorrectly. But still, the stubborn character and stubbornness of the child prevails over reason. Usually in such a situation, parents give up, citing a difficult age. Sometimes they make mistakes in parenting, showing their weakness, giving in to the whims of a teenager. The worst thing is when adults lose their temper due to stress and raise their voices at the child.

A radical change in mood in children, disgusting behavior in childhood can drive anyone crazy, even the most balanced educators.

You should absolutely not shout at a child, because in this case the child’s psyche may deteriorate.

Children's negativism is a temporary phenomenon

To avoid quarrels, you need to follow a number of rules:

• If your child has uncontrollable behavior, try to take matters into your own hands. Give him more time, do his favorite things with him;
• Articles about psychology tell us that it is important for children to have free time. Give him a break from everyone and be alone, take care of his worries and affairs;
• If you do lose your temper and yell at your children, then you need to correct the situation as soon as possible. When the situation calms down a little, the child’s psyche returns to normal, you should explain your behavior.

Punishing a child should not be scary and inadequate

What do science and statistics say?

When a child appears in a family, parents begin to wonder how to raise him correctly? How should you behave? Is it worth giving him maximum attention or should he be taught to be independent from the cradle and be subject to strict discipline? Books advise one thing, grandparents and neighbors advise another. There are so many people, so many opinions, but there are scientifically proven facts that show that raising children in conditions of love and care is a guarantee of a happy future child.

In 2013, scientists conducted a study and came to the conclusion that parents who devote a lot of time to their children feel happier than those who are indifferent to the child. “When we invest in the well-being of others, we experience greater well-being ourselves,” say the study authors [C. Ashton-James, K. Kushlev, E. Dunn, 2013]. Simply put, the principle of “what goes around comes around” works in the parent-child system. If there are those around you who call their children several times a day to ask if they ate well, do not rush to judge them, but just look into the happy eyes of their parents.

In the United States, approximately 90% of parents have at least once used abuse, ridicule, and even violence as a way to discipline their child, despite the fact that according to the law in this country, harsh treatment of children is grounds for legal proceedings. Parents tend to think that their children, when they become adults, will understand their severity and forgive them for it, although in reality this is not the case. This is evidenced by a study in which almost 970 families took part. It showed that excessive severity on the part of parents towards children aged 13 years, manifested in harsh verbal form, led to problems and depression in adolescents [M. Wang, S. Kenny, 2013].

The relationship between father and mother plays an important role in the formation and development of a child’s personality. By their example, parents demonstrate a model of behavior within the family and lay the foundation for the future. It happens that the mother deliberately removes the father from raising the child, thereby traumatizing the child’s psyche and her own. The study showed that women who live by the principle “no one will take care of you like me,” who equate caring for a child with self-sacrifice and forbid themselves to live their own lives, experience depression more often than other representatives of the fair sex who also became mothers. This is how a feeling of guilt is born in children for the unsatisfactory life of their parent [K. Rizzo, H. Schiffrin, M. Liss, 2012].

Love and raising children in a family are two inseparable concepts. If parents openly show disrespect for each other and quarrel in front of the child, this can seriously affect his condition: signs of abnormalities in brain development, sleep disturbances, and behavior problems may occur. All this is the result of being in long-term or chronic family conflict [BBC, 2018].

Some parents allow themselves to sort things out between themselves in front of their child, thinking that he still doesn’t understand anything. Research has proven the opposite: children from about the age of two begin to observe the behavior of adults. They notice conflict even if parents argue quietly. At this age, the child deciphers the cause of the dispute in his own way, and at an older age, children begin to take responsibility for their parents’ conflicts [M. El-Sheikh, 2005].

Until recently, it was believed that divorce had a detrimental effect on children, but studies have shown that it is the quarrels before and after divorce that affect the child’s psyche, and not the fact of the parents’ separation [G. Harold, M. Murch, 2012]. According to other data, parents who withdraw into themselves and are indifferent towards each other, with their behavior, hinder the psychological, emotional and social development of the child’s personality [P. Davies, G. Harold, M. Goeke-Morey and etl., 2002].

There are several other important trends in parent-child interaction. After conducting a series of studies, scientists came to the conclusion that excessive care and the desire to make a child “smart beyond his years” hinder the formation of his own activity, which can lead to impaired intellectual development in the same way as excessive severity and severity.

Unstable parenting style and insufficient satisfaction of the child’s needs also affect the formation of personality and behavior. Interesting fact: the intellectual development of boys is influenced by the attitude of the mother, and of girls by the father. Daughters need a balance between control and strict requirements, while sons need the absence of guardianship and satisfaction of needs [L. Golovey, S. Savenysheva, E. Engelhardt, 2016].

Of course, touching on the topic of love and its importance in raising a child, one cannot help but recall the children of orphanages. According to statistics, 40% of graduates of these institutions become alcoholics or drug addicts, another 40% become criminals, and only 10% successfully socialize in society and arrange their lives safely. Of course, someone will say that bad genes and living conditions are to blame, but do not forget that parental love and care are the foundation of a happy future. No matter how talented the teachers are, the child will always need a family, mother’s warmth and father’s shoulder [G. Bryntseva, 2011].

Some of the pupils are lucky and find new families, but only 8-10% of children return to the orphanage again due to the fact that the parents cannot cope with their upbringing or due to the lack of good conditions for the child, and some of the “new The parents admit that they were never able to love their child as their own. To ensure that such cases are as few as possible, schools for foster parents are being created, where mothers and fathers are prepared for life with a new family member.

Children left without parental care suffer the trauma of rejection: it is difficult for them to make choices, they do not know how to take responsibility, set goals, and some, even after graduation, cannot say what they would like to become. It is possible to “cure” trauma with parental love and a clear example of what life is in conditions of support and mutual understanding [S. Stroganova, 2020].

So why does someone unconditionally love their natural or adopted child, while others show indifference or mask their feelings with excessive severity and harsh discipline? Where is this fine line between love that creates and destroys a child’s psyche? Let's figure it out.

How to properly encourage a child so as not to spoil him

When children are 3 years old, he is already well adapted to the world around him. They start to think about what they are doing. Basically, all their actions are aimed at attracting the attention of their parents. He does not always manage to achieve what he needs by behaving exemplarily. Sometimes the child’s psyche understands that bad behavior is a sure step towards attracting the attention of adults. You should not immediately scold your child if he has committed a bad act. Better analyze your actions.

How to encourage a child - tips

Most children at this age behave impulsively. He can laugh and play calmly, and a minute later start crying for no apparent reason. At an early age, children do not yet know how to control their behavior. Parents should not forget about this. If he does not fulfill the requests of adults, for example, does not put away his toys, he is not demonstrating his harmful character, but is simply busy with his own affairs that are important to him. So far, he still does not know how to instantly think about his actions. The correct reaction of parents in the current situation affects the future development of the child.

Types of rewards in the family

The formation of a child’s personality, the child’s healthy and strong psyche, largely depends on the parents’ attitude towards him, as well as the time spent playing in childhood, and the reaction of adults to the child’s bad behavior.

Parenting styles

Authoritarianism

With an authoritarian style, all the wishes of the parents are the law, they must be fulfilled unquestioningly. But the child is suppressed, and adults don’t even suspect it. Parents demand obedience, but do not even try to explain the reason for their behavior. And it is not always appropriate for her to have strict control over his hobbies and interests. As a result, the child grows up withdrawn, there is no contact with his parents, he is unsure of himself and has a complex. Not every child tries to defend his interests by deciding on direct conflict.

Proper praise and encouragement of children during parenting

It is important for parents not only to punish their child for bad behavior and actions, but also to praise them. You need to learn how to properly praise a child so that he will continue to do good deeds. If you constantly tell your child how good he is at every opportunity, the child will no longer like it. He will take such praise from adults for granted. Therefore, it is necessary to praise your child only for a job well done, for all possible help to adults, for useful actions that he performed, spending his personal time on it. Of course, you should give him compliments, tell him that he did well, that his parents appreciate him very much, but don’t overdo it.

About reward and punishment - when and how to use it

Praising children is only worthwhile. In this case, you should talk to him as sincerely as possible, so that he forever understands that doing good deeds for good is great.

You can respond to positive actions from a child by presenting him with desired gifts for this. In this case, you should also not forget about a sense of proportion. You can use not only sweets and expensive gadgets as a gift. Trips to the circus, theater or cinema will bring joy and bright emotions to the little man. Mom and her daughter can bake some goodies for a mini-holiday. It will be much more interesting than just buying sweets in a store, and besides, the joint actions of an adult and a baby will unite the family and help to better understand children and influence their character.

We need to spoil the children

Literature

If difficulties arise during the upbringing process, parents should not let the situation take its course. Firstly, you should not be embarrassed to ask for help from a professional - a family or child psychologist or psychotherapist will help solve any problem. Secondly, there are thematic, very interesting books that will certainly tell you a lot of new things about the child’s psyche. What can be recommended from the literature on this issue:

1. G. P. Shalaeva and O. G. Sazonova “Rules of behavior for well-mannered children.”
2. M. Ibuka “After three it’s too late.”
3. O. Makhovskaya “100 parenting mistakes that are easy to avoid.”
4. Yu. Gippenreiter “The most important book for parents.”
5. E. Belonoshchenko “Born with character” and others.

The Constitution of the country in which the family lives should also become a reference book. For example, in the Russian Federation, the responsibilities of parents regarding education are enshrined at the legislative level. They are contained in Article 44 of the Federal Law “On Education in the Russian Federation”. Date: 12/29/2012. Search under number 273-FZ. The latest updated version is from 05/01/2019.

In the same way, the responsibility of parents for raising children is spelled out at the legislative level in the “Code of the Russian Federation on Administrative Offences”. Date - 12/30/2001. Search under number 195-FZ. The latest updated version is from 05/29/2019.

Whatever child you want to raise, the main thing is to do it without yelling and punishment. Only by respecting and loving him is it possible to grow a full-fledged, self-sufficient, self-confident person.

Don't try to conquer chaos

It is useless to deny chaos and also useless to fight it. With the birth of a child, it will still overtake you. After all, children do not live according to the laws of adults. They create their own rules and are able to change the parent’s entire life plan. Be patient and accept the mess. He is now in your life for a long time.

“With the birth of children, the forces of chaos enter your life. At the same time, relying on some kind of schedule in your affairs is like navigating your way through a hurricane. When a strong wind blows, there is no time for routes. You need to understand this and come to terms with the inevitable. If you don't come to terms, you will fight chaos. You will complain about your failures, blame yourself and others for them, try to correct the inevitable, and be disappointed. Treat it with the calm of a true Zen Buddhist."

Don't dwell on bad behavior

Instead of constant reproaches, pay attention to the good. Praise your child and explain to him why exactly you rewarded him. This method is more effective than comments and dissatisfaction.

“If you feed something, it will grow. If you don't feed it, it will gradually fade away. It's a simple principle, but most who have trouble communicating with their children either miss it or have never thought about how or what behavior they are actually rewarding."

Parental love: what does it depend on?

I would like to believe that all parents love their children equally, that parental love is an instinct. But this is more an idea of ​​an ideal picture of the world than reality. In fact, the situation is different. According to psychologist Pavel Zygmantovich, love for children is not inherent in human nature, but there is a biological tendency, like many mammals, to care for babies.

Previously, in peasant families, the child was observed, and the experience of communicating with children was acquired on its own. This is understandable: at that time there was no useful literature, psychologists or forums where they discussed how to raise a child. Now there is a clear statement that parenting is good, that children are a sign of a full-fledged family, but, plunging into reality, parents understand that parenting is not so simple [P. Zygmantovich, 2017].

Loving a child means making an effort. This is serious work. So why do some parents begin to love their child even during his development in the womb, others acquire this love in the process of upbringing, and still others never know this happiness?

Parental love is influenced by the following:

1. Readiness to have children: despite the active promotion of parenthood by relatives, the media and the government, the desire to become a mother and father must come from the future parents themselves. The more consciously the couple approaches this issue, the easier it is for them to adapt to the new role and the more comfortable the baby feels. It happens that a child appears unplanned in a family, but despite all the worries, everything turns out well. But it happens the other way around: parents really want to have a child, but when faced with difficulties after its birth, they plunge into a series of conflicts and stress, which affects the baby. The best way to avoid negative situations is not to live in illusions about carefree motherhood and fatherhood, but to be prepared for difficulties; do not refuse the help of relatives and perceive the period of raising a child as pleasure.
2. Upbringing in the family: children tend to transfer the behavior model of their parents to their future family. If a parent was raised by indifferent parents, he may show a similar attitude towards his child or, conversely, overdo it with guardianship and care. It is important to realize in time your childhood traumas and understand whether you are transferring your painful experience onto your children, to realize how effective your behavior model is and whether something is worth changing for the well-being of your child.
3. Relationship between spouses: a family is a single organism. Parents who have warm feelings for each other, who care about each other, have more resources to love their children. It happens that a parent stops loving a child “automatically” if the relationship between adults does not work out. Or another common situation: a young mother is immersed in caring for her baby, forgetting about her husband. As a result, the man begins to get angry and blame the child for the lack of attention from his wife. To prevent this from happening, be attentive to all family members, set an example for the younger generation of what a strong and loving family is. You can learn how to build strong family relationships, learn to help each other cope with difficulties and live in harmony with your partner in our online program “Building Relationships.”
4. Attitude towards yourself: do you love yourself? Do you accept your strengths and weaknesses? Are you self-confident or do you often worry about anything? This is important because a person tends to project his attitude towards himself onto his child. It is necessary to understand that a child is a separate person with his own characteristics. Comparing him with himself or with other children will not lead to anything good. You need to learn to accept him for who he is, respect his strengths and be able to direct his shortcomings in the right direction.
5. Experience: Perhaps the parents have experience raising younger brothers and sisters or children from a previous marriage, but this cannot be called successful. The ability to learn from your own mistakes and see advantages even in the most difficult situation will help you get rid of negative impressions of past experiences, correct mistakes and build your future in a new way.
6. Personal qualities: when deciding to become parents, not everyone understands that in their new life they will no longer be left to their own devices as before. Reluctance to sacrifice your time and interests gives rise to dislike for the baby, and patience, responsiveness and cheerfulness, on the contrary, strengthen it.

It is believed that the love of a mother and father differs. Developing in the mother's womb, the child triggers certain physiological processes that help the woman feel better about the child and create a desire to take care of him. It’s not for nothing that doctors place the newborn on the mother’s chest immediately after birth. With the help of skin-to-skin contact, the baby not only quickly adapts to a new world, but also receives the first sensations of warmth and maternal love.

For fathers, everything is different: they begin to love the child in the process of raising him, getting used to him. Despite the lack of a physiological connection, a special emotional connection can arise between the father and the baby, which will be stronger than the connection between the child and the mother [Children and Parents, 2020].

It would seem that love is a creative feeling, but in fact there is another side of the coin when parents overdo it with care or high demands. So what does healthy love for a child look like?

Never deny your child attention

The child truly craves the attention of an adult. It is important for him to know that you are really listening and looking at him, and not soaring somewhere in the clouds, thinking through your adult affairs. Show your interest and spend quality time with your child without being distracted by your phone.

“Like real piranhas that can eat a cow in a few minutes, children pounce on any attention, which they never get enough of. They are ready to do anything to be noticed, even if it harms not only others, but also themselves. <…> For piranhas, the main goal in life is to devour everything that gets in their way. For children, the main goal in life is to constantly attract the attention of others, no matter what the cost.”

The concept of "parental relationship"

The relationship between parents is an example for a small family member, so they must develop and improve. The foundations of personality are laid before the age of seven. Then it will be possible to change anything with the help of professionals, but this takes more time, effort, and energy.

The psychology of parent-child relationships includes:

• joint activities;
• communication;
• the influence of children on the relationship between parents;
• the influence of parents on the formation of the child’s personality.

Relationships can be successful and dysfunctional. The first case is that children are respected, trusted, and their opinions are taken into account. The second is a lack of mutual respect, understanding, and trust.

There are several types of relationships:

• cooperation that takes into account the needs of each family member;
• competition, where everyone strives to take a leading position, thereby depriving other members of attention, the goal is to fulfill needs by any means;
• confrontation - the desire to dominate, to prove one’s importance to the detriment of the interests of other family members;
• alliance - involves the receipt of benefits by all people included in the cell;
• antagonistic relationships - rejection of the opinions, desires, needs of another person, regardless of his status in the family.

Psychoanalysis was the first scientific direction that became interested in parent-child relationships and revealed the degree of influence of upbringing on a person.

The educational positions of adults are the main factor shaping the personal qualities, character, and emotional background of the pupil. Educational positions are:

1. Optimal, meeting the requirements of adequacy, the ability of parents to see the needs of the child, the organization of his mental world, and predict age-related changes associated with needs. Parental flexibility is the ability to restructure one’s own behavior in order to find an approach that will predictably influence the pupil’s actions.
2. Suboptimal. Manifestations of flexibility are lost, behavior is unchanged, does not take into account the changing situation, living conditions, and age. Lack of awareness of the individual’s needs, inadequate assessment of the psychological state, inability to anticipate behavior, and act proactively.

Educational positions can be corrected, but this requires careful attention to professional advice, practical application, analysis of personal behavior, statements, and demands made on children.

Create boundaries for your child

Children need boundaries, otherwise they simply do not understand how to live in our big world. Clearly outline the boundaries beyond which you cannot go. Then the child will not irritate you or confuse the people around you.

“It’s the nature of children to move forward until they hit some obstacle. For some children, it’s enough just to know that an obstacle exists, others need to push against it several times with all their might, but everyone needs boundaries. A world without borders is a very dangerous and frightening place for a small person.”

Be consistent

You may not always be able to act logically and correctly. Therefore, when making this or that decision regarding his life, just try to control yourself.

“For me, consistency means that I consistently avoid the urge to throw my kids out the window, and that’s in a relatively good mood. Everything else is relative. Everything, even consistency—especially consistency.”

Authoritarian parenting produces infantile people

Educational systems

Today, the most common and popular are 4 educational systems (schools, methods):

• Makarenko - the idea of ​​raising a child as an independent member of society with a point of view;
• Sukhomlinsky - a humane pedagogical system, within which there are no punishments;
• Waldorf - subordination of the education system not to the demands of society, but to the laws of children's physical and mental development in accordance with age periodization;
• Montessori is an individual approach to education, allowing each little person to develop at his own pace, through personal experience in an environment specially prepared for this.

Parents have the right to choose one of these traditional systems or find some innovative one. They can take something useful from each and combine them. Despite the different approaches to education, many principles within these concepts have something in common:

What principles of education to borrow from this or that system is up to parents to decide.

Take whims seriously

Pay attention to your child's behavior and whims. In this way he expresses what he is not yet able to say in words. Every gesture, grimace and antics of your child is an appeal to you or a protest. Just be careful.

“Behavior is simply a form of communication. Climbing out of a window at night and running away from home is a kind of saying. Children are much more willing to express their thoughts and feelings through behavior than through words. The main reason is that they still have few words. They have a lot of feelings, but they don’t yet know how to choose the right words and expressions to express these feelings.”

Raising love for the world around us

Not only parents, but also the surrounding reality participate in the formation of a child’s personality. Instilling in children a love for their native land and nature is not mandatory, but, according to psychologists, it can have a serious impact on the formation of a correct worldview and become the basis for the development of determination, erudition and self-confidence [E. Kravtsova, 2020].

A child needs a homeland just like a family. He must know the history of the origin of his family, country, especially its positive pages. This does not mean that children should not notice shortcomings, but they do not need to know about them yet. To instill in children a love for their homeland, you need to:

1. Talk about the origin of the family: introduce the child to his family tree, show old photographs, and create a family tree together. So he will feel that he is part of a large family, where there were heroic participants in wars and those who contributed to the development of the country with their professional, physical, and intellectual labor.
2. Instill interest in their native land: tell why streets, cities, towns have such names, tell about famous fellow countrymen and their merits. The kid will be pleased to know that he lives in the same city where local heroes lived.
3. Introduce folklore and folk crafts: read folk tales to your child, give them a themed toy, go to a play together or watch a cartoon. For example, the collection of cartoons “Mountain of Gems” was created based on fairy tales of different peoples of Russia. Each episode begins with a title card that tells the history of the region. It will be interesting to both adults and children.
4. Tell us about the sights: while walking along the streets of the city, draw your child’s attention to a historical temple, monument, ancient bridge, captivate him with a story about them. You can remember an incident from your childhood that is associated with a specific landmark.
5. Travel: you don’t have to travel far, just visit the nearest city or other locality. Prepare for your trip in advance: find interesting places, plan a route, study the history of the place.

Fostering a love for nature in children plays an important role in the formation of personality. Through communication with the world around them, children learn to show care and develop moral qualities. It must be remembered that a child copies the behavior of adults, so it is important to show him an example of caring for animals and other natural resources. Get a pet, if possible, go out into nature more often and show how important it is to keep the place where you live and relax clean, participate in charity for homeless four-legged animals. The more often children come into contact with the environment, the more careful they will treat people [N. Suleymanova, 2020].

Allow your child to argue with you

It’s normal to argue and defend your opinion. Teach your child how to conduct constructive dialogue and discussion by example. Then you won't end up with a typical, foaming-at-the-mouth debater.

“At the same time, you don’t need to be a dictator who suppresses the slightest signs of disagreement. It is natural to disagree and argue. Showing disrespect is another matter. Arguing proves that you are doing your job as parents. They show that children are growing up and that they have their own opinions about everything.”

Act intelligently

Try to plan ahead how you will raise your child. What actions and decisions may be required of you in the future. What are you hypothetically willing to do, and what do you completely disagree with?

“The only thing that happens unexpectedly is surprises. It is unlikely that you will want to rely on chance in raising your children. I've seen parents leave things to chance—you'd better not do that again. It’s much better to approach parenting purposefully, with a specific plan of action.”

And a few more tips

An atmosphere of love is extremely important for a child at the growing stage. To create it, parents need to work, first of all, on themselves. This is a huge amount of work, the results of which largely determine the future of children.

Analyze your behavior: are you behaving like an adult, or have you not yet emerged from the role of a child? Try to be in the resource. Behind this fashionable expression lies an important meaning: a parent cannot share his love and warmth with his child if he himself has zero vital energy. “Put the oxygen mask on yourself first, then put it on your child” is a very vital safety rule.

Remember that time moves slower for a child. These are adults who are always in a hurry and trying to do 100 things at the same time. Children look at the world differently, at a different speed. Stop and share the process of learning about the world with your baby. Don’t shift your problems onto your child, don’t take it out on him if suddenly something doesn’t work out for you at work or in your personal life.

If you think your child is manipulating or provoking you, think about what is behind his behavior. Perhaps this is a signal that he lacks your attention. Express inhibitions through caring: “I don’t want you to get sick, so please put on your hat.” Do not hesitate to seek advice from the older generation, do not strive to be ideal parents and do not scold yourself for mistakes, because everyone has them.

Parental love is an incomparable feeling; it knows no barriers and becomes stronger with age. It’s not for nothing that they say that children will always be children for their parents, even if they themselves already have children.

“Mom is 73 years old, I am 52, I am the grandmother of four grandchildren, the eldest is 14 years old. I came to my mother for New Year and Christmas. Night. Silence. I wake up at night to my mother carefully covering me and tucking a blanket under my side... She remained silent, pretending not to notice. But in fact, I should have stood up and kissed her... I regret that I didn’t do that,” a woman left this message in one of the groups on the social network.

“I’m 21, studying in Moscow, and then I got sick and came to my parents. Someone calls mom’s home phone, she answers and says: “I can’t, my baby is sick!” I lie under the covers with a fever and feel like a child. Thank you, mom, for such moments!” another user shares her emotions. And let there be as many such warm stories as possible!

And we suggest finishing reading our article by watching touching videos about the power of a father’s love and the infinitely kind heart of a mother.

Appreciate parental love and take care of those around you! And also answer the question on the topic of the article:

We also recommend reading:

• Storytelling
• Psychosocial development theory
• A selection of courses for children and parents
• Anniversary syndrome: what is it and how to avoid it
• Getting ready for the new school year
• How to teach a child to read: rules, tips and tricks
• Marshmallow experiment
• Factors in a child’s intellectual development
• Positive therapy for children
• Attachment theory
• How to raise a child correctly?

Keywords:1Communications, 1Relationships

Learn to listen to your child

An extremely important and irreplaceable rule. Build a trusting relationship with your child. Try to have open dialogues on any topic and always listen to him. Your child, no less than others, needs respect and full communication on an equal basis with the adults around him.

“Communication, or lack thereof, is at the root of most intrafamily conflicts. In my office, I saw many people who shouted at each other for hours, and yet none of them even tried to listen to anything other than their own voice. If you can't communicate properly with your children, then you're just asking for trouble in the family."

Forms

To raise a child to be a full-fledged and successful person, he needs to be developed in many ways. If, for example, we place the main emphasis on occupational therapy, then moral, mental, patriotic and many other aspects will be left aside. Therefore, initially, various forms of education need to be included in classes from an early age.

Kindergarten teachers and school teachers try to use different forms of education to develop a multifaceted personality. However, each of them should be given equal attention by parents at home.

Creating the atmosphere of the game

Children sense tension between parents and other family members. Try to create a relaxed, friendly atmosphere at home. Where everyone is interesting to each other and does not cause discomfort. Exchange news, communicate in a humorous manner and be one team.

“Liking, as well as the general tone of relations between family members, can be judged by the spirit of playfulness and play present in the house. Ease and playfulness are a kind of lubricant of family life, without which its wheels and gears will turn with difficulty. When I see that there are strict, tense relationships between family members, I immediately begin to worry.”

Problems

Education in the modern, rapidly changing world encounters certain problems associated with the realities of today. They need to be taken into account by both parents and teachers. The most common difficulties encountered:

• lack of free time, which limits communication between family members;
• craze for gadgets, addiction to computer games and phones;
• the widespread spread of the Internet, which does not always bring benefits for the fragile child’s psyche;
• a large number of divorces, destruction of family values;
• the power of money;
• social stratification among classmates, when one half walks around with the latest iPhone model, and the second with push-button phones or without them at all.

In such conditions of modern life, it is quite difficult to raise children correctly, but it is quite possible. Each of the above problems can be solved, unless parents make a mistake in prioritizing.

A number of mistakes made by parents in the process of raising their children

Sometimes parents insist on their own, forcing them to do things that the child does not like. “Do what they ask you, otherwise your parents will stop loving you” - these words can often be heard from tortured parents when the child is stubborn and does not want to fulfill the demands of adults. According to adults, it is useless to convince a child of something and have a heart-to-heart talk with them. He still doesn't give in to persuasion.

Advice for parents from a psychologist

Let's listen to the opinion of psychologists on the words of parents “if you do not fulfill my request, then I will stop loving you.” According to experts, children take this threat very seriously.

1. Firstly, deception is not the best method of putting pressure on a child. And such a threat is precisely a deception.
2. Secondly, such a statement is unlikely to have a positive effect on your child. It's better not to deceive your child. Try replacing this threatening phrase with another, for example this one: “I will always love you, but I don’t like your behavior, it makes me very sad.”

Parental support is the most important thing for a child.
Another not very good phrase that is used with children in order to reason with them: “I’m much older than you, I’m dad (mom). It will still be as I say.” Many adults believe that being strict with the younger generation is the best option for upbringing. Parents are much older and more experienced than their children, so they are always right. If you indulge a little person, he will finally “sit on his head” and will not fulfill requests coming from adults.

What will child psychology experts say to this? When completing tasks from adults, motivation is important for children; he must know that his efforts will be properly rewarded. The little person needs to be convinced that he is not trying in vain. If you treat children too strictly, this can lead to a situation where the child will listen and fulfill your requests only in your presence. But when there is no one at home, the baby will engage in sabotage, doing everything to upset the parents. A strict attitude is of course necessary, but you shouldn’t go too far. If you don’t have time to persuade your child, promise that you will definitely reward him for his work later, if he does all the work.

Ways to Express Love

Simply loving a child is not enough. It is important to show your feelings, otherwise the child will begin to feel unnecessary. You can say that you love him every day, but there are several other ways to show love that will communicate your feelings without words.

Psychologist Nina Liventsova identifies 4 main ways of showing parental feelings:

1. Eye contact : sometimes it is enough to look into a person’s eyes to understand the state of his inner self. Exchange of glances is an important moment in communicating with a child, especially when he does not yet perceive speech and cannot talk about his feelings. Recently, parents look into the child's eyes when they want to exert a strong emotional impact at the moment of reproach for an offense. Some avoid eye contact altogether, underestimating its role in the formation of healthy relationships. It is important to look at your child when he is talking to you - this is how he feels your interest in communication. If your child is upset, look into his eyes: sometimes this is enough to make him feel safe and supported.
2. Physical contact: newborns are almost always in the arms of their parents, because this helps them feel protected. As a child grows up, physical intimacy becomes less frequent. Some parents believe that children, starting from adolescence, do not need extra physical contact with a parent, although in fact the child may urgently need it. Hug your children more often, cuddle them when you read them stories before bed, take them by the hand and simply touch them at any opportunity. There is a reason why there is an expression among psychologists: “If you don’t stroke a child’s head every day, his brain dries out.”
3. Undivided attention: In the hustle and bustle of days full of worries, do not forget to pay attention to the child. Take a walk before bed, come up with a family ritual, talk about how your day went. Even if there is very little time for this, it is important to spend it consciously and direct all your attention to the child at such moments. This way the baby receives confirmation that he is loved and important to you even on the most difficult and eventful day. The priceless minutes spent with his parents in childhood will become pleasant memories for him, warming his heart throughout his life.
4. Verbal expressions of love: This includes praise, encouragement, and expressions of delight at the child’s accomplishments. If you do not share the joy of victory with your child, he may have the idea that he is not good enough for his parents and is not trying hard enough to earn their love. Show your feelings, do not skimp on kind words - this way you will save your child from worries and unhealthy desire to prove that he is worthy of your love [N. Liventsova, 2017].

According to Orthodox family psychologist Olga Lysova-Borodina, many parents do not express their love for their children not because they don’t want to, but because they don’t know how to do it. This is a talent that is important and needs to be developed. Kindness, delicacy, and love can be learned together with children by supporting each other. Even when the situation has reached its limit and hostility has arisen between parents and child due to the lack of warmth, care and mutual understanding, one cannot give up. In this case, you should seek help from a specialist [O. Lysova-Borodina, 2020].

Of course, when a child behaves well, it is not difficult to show your care and love towards him. But what if he is wayward? How to express your love when it is difficult to resist harsh criticism and remarks in his direction? The answers to these questions can be found in the book Parenting by Heart by Alfie Kohn. Every time you want to reprimand a child, put yourself in his shoes and ask yourself: “If the remark I just made to my child were heard by me, or if they treated me the way I treated my child, I would feel I, that I am loved unconditionally?”

You should answer honestly and not convince yourself that the child is too sensitive, and not your words are offensive. But this does not mean that you need to completely abandon criticism, because criticism is also a manifestation of care, but here it is important not to step over the fine line:

1. Carefully select cases when a remark would be appropriate : analyze the situation and assess whether the action really threatens the life and health of the child or is contrary to moral standards. And is it necessary to say your strict “no”?
2. Limit the scope of criticism : do not generalize, but talk about a specific shortcoming or action that you consider wrong. For example, “You are disrespectful to people!” replace it with “You didn’t let the girl go ahead - that’s not good!”
3. Reduce the level of negativity: a raised tone and hurtful words from parents can play a cruel joke and lead to the opposite effect, and the child will continue to do wrong things to spite you. Watch your facial expressions, gestures, words, be soft but confident in your position.
4. Replace criticism with discussions of the consequences of incorrect behavior: try instead of “I told you not to do that! It's not beautiful!" say, “I'm really upset by your behavior” or “Look, your friend is crying now. He’s offended by you and in pain.” Focus his attention on the consequences and ask him if he will do the same thing next time [A. Kohn, 2005].

Showing willfulness, aggression and discontent, the child explores the boundaries of what is permitted. The parent's task is to show them to him, teach him to remain patient and show prudence with the help of love. And if you doubt that you can find a common language with your child, find the right words that will convince him to act within the limits of what is permitted, take a look at our “Best Communication Techniques” program. In just a few months, you will learn more than 70 methods of effective communication that you can use in communicating with children and, of course, adults.

Educational fairy tales. How to talk about feelings with your child

Education through fairy tales has become very popular lately. Mothers come up with fairy tales for their children depending on the situation and share them with each other on social networks. Educational fairy tales help you talk about feelings with your child, instill in him good habits, and together find a way out of difficult situations.

The ginger cat who couldn't purr

The ginger cat was a draw. Other cats hurried home in the evening to their soft cozy chairs, but this one was never in a hurry. She had no chair, no home and no owners. Of course, the red cat really wanted to have all this. But she did not even dare to dream about such a thing. The fact is that this cat did not know how to purr at all.

“I’m probably broken,” the cat thought, “or defective. No one will take me home. Every person wants to be purred. Who wants a cat that never does that?”

The cat was so embarrassed by this that she didn’t admit it to anyone. And she proudly told everyone that she lives on her own because she likes it that way.

One day a girl saw a red cat.

- Kitty Kitty Kitty! - she called. - Shall we go live with me? In my room there is a soft sofa with pillows, you will be warm and cozy there!

The cat jumped for joy, but immediately remembered her shortcoming. “As soon as she finds out that I can’t purr, she’ll immediately kick me back out onto the street,” she decided. And she answered, wagging her tail indifferently:

- No thanks! I love sleeping on a hard bench!

- Can't be! — the girl didn’t believe it. - Come on, let's go! I have chicken pate in the refrigerator! Very tasty! I'll treat you!

- No thanks! - said the cat, licking her lips. - I don't need any refrigerator! I love to hunt!

But the girl still didn’t believe her.

- I will stroke your back and scratch you behind your ear! - she promised.

No one has ever petted a ginger cat.

- Iron? - she was surprised. - How is it?

- That's it! — the girl took the cat in her arms and gently ran her hand along the back. And then something happened to the cat. It seemed to her that a little motor started up inside her.

- How wonderfully you purr! - said the girl. “Purring? I? — the cat was surprised. “I’m purring!” And then she hugged the girl by the neck:

- I really want to live with you! - said the cat. - You will stroke me, and I will purr for you!

Features of education at the present time

The modern system of home education is to give the child all the benefits and available material things. The financial guideline fosters greed, hypocrisy, and the desire to please where it promises benefit. Most often, girls inherit this upbringing from their mother, boys from their father. Reluctance to follow parental guidelines must be eradicated at the subconscious level, with outside help. The desire to change family relationships is a mutual decision of both parties.

The presence of a large number of educational institutions inspires parents with the idea that other people are capable of replacing a child’s home, parents’ attention, and their authority. The same situation arises when the baby is left for a long time with a nanny or grandmother. It is important to understand that the consequences of upbringing will fall on the shoulders of the parents.