For many of us, building relationships with people is the key to a good life. The main skills in this process are communication, self-positioning and the ability to dexterously behave in public.
However, in order to go from an intractable young man to an opinion leader, you need to break many barriers and do a tremendous amount of work on yourself. For this, some people need to improve their diction and expand their vocabulary, others need to buy nice trousers and get a haircut, and some need to get rid of self-doubt and stop being afraid of live communication.
- FAQ: 10 secrets of communication from great leaders or how to subjugate people in dialogues
This time we will focus on the last aspect of this complex process and tell you how to get rid of isolation, shyness, shyness and other psychological barriers that prevent us from achieving the desired communicative results.
Why is there nothing good about shyness and isolation?
Many people believe that isolation and shyness are characteristic only of children, and already in adolescence people become more sociable and relaxed. However, according to a study published by the scientific journal PsychCentral, up to 45% of adults experience problems with communication, and 7% experience real mental disorders, including depression, because of this.
Introversion and shyness prevent people from advancing their careers, getting interviews, and holding important negotiations. They are less likely to hold leadership positions and manage others. The situation is even more complicated for those who are among the aforementioned seven percent. These people are at risk for developing dependence on alcohol and other drugs.
- Bar 11 signs of alcohol addiction and tips on how to stop drinking on your own (it's time to quit, bro) List of signs of alcohol addiction and tips on how to stop drinking on your own.
In a word, lack of communication and inability to build the desired communication leads to dissatisfaction with life.
At the same time, shyness itself is not as dangerous as its consequences, which include loneliness. For example, loneliness is one of the factors of early mortality among men, and this is a scientifically proven fact. That is, a lack of communication, support and emotions from other people increases the chances of not living to old age by as much as 14%. This is directly related to the hormonal system, because shy people have increased levels of cortisol, the so-called “stress hormone,” which affects sleep quality and blood pressure.
Why does tightness occur?
Having found the root of the problem, we will take the first step towards solving it. Tightness does not arise out of the blue; a person becomes like this as a result of past experience, psychological trauma and mistakes. He simply does not see positive options for the development of the situation, focusing on the negative and acting according to the usual scenario.
So what makes us behave this way?
- Fear. A person is afraid of doing something wrong and running into a negative reaction from the environment. It seems to him that any spoken word or simple action will cause anger, condemnation, indignation. The imagination of squeezed people paints terrible pictures of how they are kicked out of an event, laughed at, humiliated. In most cases there is nothing to be afraid of, but it is difficult to think rationally in a state of nervous tension.
- Stress. It would seem that a person understands that there is nothing to be afraid of and nothing terrible has happened, but it is difficult for him to utter even a word in a situation that worries him. Emotions are so overwhelming that the body is almost paralyzed. The point here is the stress that a timid person experiences, and it is difficult for him to cope with it.
- Psychological trauma. Negative experiences that you have had before, perhaps even as a child, remain in your memory forever. For example, you were laughed at at school when you answered in class. After that, public speaking became a lifetime of torture for you. It is important to work through such situations rather than try to force them out of memory.
How to stop being a closed and shy person?
However, as we mentioned above, isolation and shyness are circumstances that can be corrected with a certain amount of effort. We advise you to remember and resort to them if you understand that you need it.
How to overcome tension
Whatever the cause of isolation and constriction, it is necessary to fight the existing behavior scenario.
You are a versatile, developed personality, don’t hide in a shell, let me get to know you and your abilities better.
Describe situations when you feel awkward
Write down times during which you felt tense and shy. Formulate what specifically was difficult for you. You shouldn’t write that it’s embarrassing to communicate with people. Be more specific about who worries you the most: strangers on the street, pretty girls, colleagues.
After you have written down all the worrying factors, arrange them in ascending order, starting with the easiest situations. And fight them according to the list. Along the way, your confidence will grow, and you'll approach challenging tasks with energy and enthusiasm.
Make a list of your strengths
Every person is unique and has something to be proud of. You are no exception. Write down all your skills and strengths. Do not be modest, what is insignificant for you is an unattainable peak for others.
Write everything: you are an active traveler, write poetry, read a lot, swim fast. Don't miss anything.
Re-read the entire list carefully. You really have something to be proud of. Maybe it’s worth revealing your talents to the whole world, and not hiding them deep inside yourself?
Visualize Success
When starting a new business, it’s easy for us to imagine all the stages of failure and shame. But why concentrate on the negative, try to visualize success. A positive attitude will help you achieve not only imaginary success, but also real one.
You can follow one of the following paths: visualizing the final success or fixating on the successful development of events. In the first case, you need to feel like a winner, a person who succeeded. Imagine the enthusiastic applause of the audience at a performance, praise, glory.
In the second case, think through each step and how gradually you will achieve success. Feel how you enter the room, everyone is looking at you, you approach the most beautiful girl, she smiles and happily accepts your offer to meet you. In general, model the situation, just think in a positive way.
Step outside your comfort zone
You may well like your measured life; every day you perform the same actions, which have become automatic. But deep down in your soul there is a gnawing feeling that you are missing something and losing something.
This is true. Don't let the emotion of fear stop you from exploring the world around you. Try something new, expand your internal boundaries. Have you ever danced? Take a salsa or hip-hop class. Yes, it will be scary, you will feel like everyone is watching you and giggling at your clumsiness. But it is likely that after just a couple of sessions you will feel light and begin to enjoy the process.
Set simple goals
By achieving goals, we build self-confidence and self-confidence. You shouldn’t immediately aim for grandiose steps and actions. Set simple goals that are not too difficult to achieve.
For example, it is difficult for you to relax in the company of strangers, you cannot get to know anyone, you become shy, blush and remain silent. Set yourself a modest task - to start a conversation with a fellow traveler in transport. You will never cross paths with this person, so hone your skills on him. This will be your small intermediate goal.
Don't beat yourself up for failures
Yes, you can say something wrong, they can laugh at you. But there is nothing terrible or terrible in this. Don't close yourself off or give up trying to be open because of failure.
Endure the failure and move on towards your goal. I will say more, each of us has a story when we had to disgrace ourselves in front of others. But this did not become a reason for self-flagellation.
Don't avoid communication
Don't waste the opportunity to meet and establish contact with another person. If someone comes up to you and starts a conversation, don't walk away, keep the conversation going. It is not at all necessary to have active conversations and open your soul. Maintain eye contact, smile, and respond politely and courteously.
But if you stare at the floor or at your phone, they may even forget about your presence. And you won’t receive an invitation a second time.
You can find out how to overcome yourself and start communicating in the video:
Don't make excuses to others
Some people may ask not very pleasant questions directly: “Are you always this gloomy or just today?” Instead of muttering a defensive speech in response, make a joke or take the conversation in a different direction.
Do not shield yourself in front of a tactless and impolite interlocutor. You have the right to any behavior and no one has the right to judge you.
Find like-minded people
Common interests and views on life will allow you to completely liberate and relax in the company. Try to find those who are on the same wavelength as you.
For example, you are a fan of a certain musical group. Attend concerts of this band, communicate on the forum with fans. Try to find a person who shares your passion and is easy to be with.
If you manage to find real, sincere, congenial people, over time you will feel much better in the company of strangers.
You have a short temper
The solution is to learn to control your feelings and manage a conflict situation.
Don't accumulate complaints
The more you accumulate them in yourself, the more you risk breaking down. By speaking up about your grievances, you help yourself avoid an outburst of unbridled anger.
Learn to express your feelings clearly
Name the feeling that bothers you. Without complaining or blaming, say openly: “I’m having problems at work, I’m stressed out and don’t know what to do.”
Take breaks
The brain needs time to make a decision and take control of the situation. Relax your solar plexus by taking a deep breath, hold it for a few seconds, exhale and wait before inhaling again. Close your eyes for 2-3 seconds from time to time: turning off visual signals reduces stress.
American psychotherapist Chaim Ginott advises constructing his statements according to the scheme: “When you did X, I felt Y, and at that moment I wanted you to do Z.” For example: “When you reproached me for being late, I felt guilty. It would be better if you hugged me instead of scolding me.”
Give a helping hand
Before responding to aggression with aggression, ask the “aggressor”: “Is there anything wrong with you?” Or offer him a truce: “I’m starting to get nervous, let’s take a break and cool down.”
How to avoid clamps
1. Urgently improve your self-esteem and love yourself.
2 . Finally understand that the world is not a source of threat.
3. Do dancing, sports, stretching and other activities that suit you.
4. Resort to meditative practices.
5. Find meaning in life: do what you really like.
6. Practice af.
7. Do something useful for someone: invest in charities, orphanages, buy flowers from a grandmother in the passage and give them to another grandmother who feeds kittens at the entrance. This will significantly improve your self-esteem.
8. Just take care of yourself, the beauty and hygiene of your body, your clothes and hairstyle.
You have a complex
You hold back, not allowing yourself to express either anger or joy... There is a motive for your behavior that is not easy for you to admit. The solution is to “let go” of yourself, to free your feelings.
Try to express your feelings with gestures
Words are important, but 90% of our emotions are expressed through facial expressions and the body. A smile, posture, gestures - even a simple shrug says more about our attitude to what is happening than long speeches...
Acknowledge the existence of emotions
If a child is afraid of wolves, it is useless to convince him that they are not found in our forests. Accepting his feelings, parents may ask, “What can I do to calm you down?” There is no shame in being afraid, there is no need to be ashamed of fears.
None of our emotions are dangerous; they are our allies, from whom we should not constantly expect a dirty trick.
Keep a diary
It's like sharing your feelings with a friend. Such a written story helps to remember forgotten emotions, think about them, and develop an attitude towards them.
You are hypersensitive
You react sharply to both criticism and compliments. The solution is to establish balanced relationships with people.
Don't focus on yourself
You worry excessively about what others think of you. Try to “move away” a little from yourself and show empathy (empathy). Learn to put yourself in another person's shoes. What is he thinking about? What is he worried about? This change in perspective helps change the relationship strategy.
Don't strive to be loved by everyone
Sometimes it’s worth taking a risk and agreeing that your actions will not please someone and will make life difficult for others. It is impossible to avoid manifestations of rivalry, antipathy, and incompatibility of characters. The more clearly you understand this, the easier it will be for you to accept it, and the harder it will be for others to deceive you.
Try to find trigger situations
Make a list of situations in which you are especially vulnerable and words that provoke your inappropriate behavior. When you encounter them again, you will be able to recognize them and not get confused.
