Depression. This word is increasingly found in everyday life of modern people. Today it is no longer a shame to talk about mental health, much less take care of it. According to WHO, 8 million people in Russia were diagnosed with depression last year. Surely, even more Russians do not turn to a specialist, attributing their condition to fatigue and stress. But why is this disorder dangerous and why can’t it be ignored?
The KV journalist turned to psychologist Aliya Mukhutdinova with questions about depression and talked with a girl who had been clinically diagnosed with this to find out why advice like “pull yourself together” does not help and what this mental disorder can turn into.
What is depression?
Depression is not just a bad mood, but a serious mental disorder characterized by persistent sadness and loss of interest in things that usually bring pleasure.
People often interpret a bad mood as depression. But in a healthy person, the mood worsens for objective reasons, for example, failure at work or a quarrel with a loved one; after some time, the sadness recedes and the person returns to normal life.
But if a bad mood accompanies a person for a long time, then we can already talk about the presence of depression. Symptoms of this disorder include loss of interest in previously enjoyable activities, high anxiety, sleep problems, and intrusive thoughts about death.
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Martha [name changed], the heroine of this story, also came to the doctor with such symptoms. In the middle of our conversation with her, I regretted that I turned to her and “forced” her to relive all the worries again. The girl talked about her condition and cried, torn by the pain that she had once experienced.
But Martha herself reacted to her tears with joy, talking about how good it was that she was crying, because even negative emotions were now a gift for her.
Martha is 25 years old, she is a beautiful girl, slim and smiling. She makes new acquaintances with incredible ease and will always find cheerful company. Now Marta lives in Moscow and works as a choreographer in five children's schools. It is difficult to guess that once upon a time a real war with himself unfolded inside this man for five years.
Requests for help Write your story Somehow life is not going well, it’s just complete darkness! 25 years old and haven’t done a damn thing in this life, my parents are ashamed of me. I was deprived of my driver’s license 3 times, I got into an accident 7 times, I never thought about it, in principle I’m not going to do it, but every day I dig myself a bigger and bigger hole, there’s nothing in me except laziness. FOR 7 years , except for 5 months in a modeling agency, I haven’t worked anywhere else (And even that can’t be called work), just running around. I’ve collected loans with nothing to pay back (this one is the one that soars the most). The girl and I finally broke up today, it was my fault and I sent him myself, but in this case there is no turning back. I am of no use, just a headache for my parents. It is clear that someone has become disabled, someone has lost an arm, someone is close to them, and they are worse off than me. Someone is just 13 years old, and he (she) is already thinking about it. In life, I’m just a loser, and I can’t get anywhere. I get drunk, and drunkenness causes even 5 times more troubles. In the morning I just dream of dying. IN 25 fucking years, I have never been just happy. As if someone had caused damage, I want to die, how easy this life is!
Peter, age: 25 / 02/26/2015
Responses:
Dear friend! Let's just deal with your feelings. After all, besides the depression that has fallen on you, there is also LOVE: this is the love of your parents and your girlfriend, whom you rejected. She's probably even worse off than you right now. It's much more unpleasant to be rejected, believe me. Help her and your parents. Give them at least a little of your love. After all, it is in your soul. Otherwise, there wouldn’t be this cry for help. Probably, you just don’t know how to tell them about it. You just have to try and sincerely say: I love you. And love will return to you a hundredfold. I am writing to you about this because I myself have experienced feelings similar to yours. But it was harder for me - I was rejected and there was no chance at all. In your case, the chances are greater than mine. And one more thing - sincerely share with your girlfriend or parents about your problems. They will definitely understand and help. Sharing painful things is difficult, I understand. But this will clarify the situation. And this is not at all shameful, and this is not weakness at all, but on the contrary!
Maria, age: 50 / 02/27/2015
I don’t know how to drive and, to be honest, I haven’t had a girlfriend or sex. And you had it all. You will repay the loans, the main thing is just to find a job. You are not a loser - you just don’t know what exactly you want from life, you don’t know what exactly you should strive for. When there is no center, then, of course, you are thrown here and there and torn to pieces like a barn in a hurricane. From all these wanderings you are exhausted, simply tired. Honestly, I myself want to live and just disappear, but, like Max Payne, I cling to life. You need to put your thoughts in order, to do this, try to engage in creativity or sports to direct your energy in the right direction, and then insight will come. This may seem stupid and absurd to you, but try it anyway...
Arno, age: 23/27/02/2015
Hello, Peter! I wouldn’t say that you are a hopeless sloth; getting into an accident 7 times and losing your license 3 times requires a lot of effort. You say you’re not rushing through life - but you’re just an incredibly lucky person. 7 times you were on the verge of death and are alive, and not even disabled. You have a strong Guardian Angel! Sometimes, when something terrible happens, people think - oh, if fate gave me a second chance, I would fix everything and live differently. Think about it, this is your chance. Surely the Lord has prepared something good for you, it’s just that everything comes with time. We need to change something in life, water does not flow under a lying stone. There is one wonderful circumstance: you yourself see and realize all your problems and do not create illusions that everything is fine. You wrote: “There is nothing in me but laziness.” You have a conscience, for example, you feel guilty before your parents. But your parents will always accept and forgive you, and by dying you will cause them grief for the rest of your life. Read the parable of the prodigal son, I think it will be close. Regarding happiness, it seems to me that at the moment you just see everything in black terms... Weren’t you happy on your own as a child? Remember! When you have your own children and a beloved wife, you will be happy again! An unfree person is usually unhappy, you know what I mean? You need to recognize your dependence on alcohol and make a clear decision to quit. It’s hard for yourself, you have to overcome your pride and ask for help, first of all from your parents. Most of your troubles come from alcohol, the manifestations of this addiction make you unhappy. If you throw off these shackles, you will become an order of magnitude happier, you will be confident and laziness will go away, and self-confidence will appear and new horizons will open up. You will find a job, pay off your debts, these are all temporary everyday troubles. Find freedom from the green snake, everything else will work out on its own. I wish you perseverance, patience and courage. Ask God for help and your prayers will come true! Never give up!
Slava, age: 27/02/27/2015
Hello, Peter! You will succeed - you just need to think about life and pull yourself together. Just think - there was nothing and these little cells came together and you appeared - a person - a whole world with your own unique soul! And what will happen after you die - your soul will not die and what will happen to it after death depends on how you live now. So pull yourself together and treat life more responsibly - stop drinking, give the girl a large bouquet of flowers (especially March 8th is coming soon) and make peace - I’m sure she will be happy (and you too), find yourself at least some kind of... some work (well, at least in a modeling agency). And turn to God - with Him all things will go uphill - just ask!
Mikhail, age: 45 / 02/27/2015
Hello, Petya! I am sure that you are young, attractive, ambitious, smart, and most importantly, a sensible person! I understand that you are tired, that depression and obsessive thoughts are very exhausting, but you need to try to find a way out. Try to relax and look at the whole situation sensibly: girls, they are the kind of girls that if they love, they will definitely return - if both want. And if not, then the person was not yours. Work - again, you are young and full of energy, and the job market is quite diverse. But you need to fight laziness, try to start small, for example jogging in the morning or active exercises, it puts your head in order very well and gives you a boost of activity. What about your parents, they believe in you, but you want to upset them so much. Try going to the Temple, praying, or better yet, fasting, confessing and taking communion. This world is worth living. After all, there is so much beauty in it. Hold on, Petya, fight! With all my heart I wish you to cope.
Tanya, age: 26/02/27/2015
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“I didn’t want to live at all” - Martha’s story
Depression appeared gradually. When I was a student, I had a nervous breakdown due to the betrayal of a loved one, and that’s where it all started. Panic attacks came, and with them the fear of everything in general, self-doubt was a bonus. At first, it was simply scary to do those things in which I once had panic attacks, for example, to go somewhere.
Then it got worse. I woke up with anxiety, knowing that a panic attack would definitely happen today. And it happened - this is how psychosomatics works. Over time, the attacks took on an hour-long format, sometimes lasting two days. During this time, you cannot eat or drink. You are controlled by your fear, you don’t control yourself at all, you just exist and that’s it, you literally didn’t want to live at all.
Photo: © kinopoisk.ru
The most insidious thing about this state is that I had no faith that things could be different, that everything could work out. So, within a year I turned into a person in a vacuum. Wherever I am, I’m not there, I’m not with these people, I’m inside my head. It’s as if I’m sitting in a huge room and trying to convince myself not to be afraid.
I remember I also had days when I felt great, but this happened once a month. At such moments, I just lay down on the bed, closed my eyes and enjoyed it.
Over time, I lost interest in everything. I stopped persuading myself to go out somewhere, talk to someone, go somewhere. Thoughts that it will always be this way or worse have taken root. Any desire to live was gone. And my panic attacks turned into depression.
The only time I felt truly good was sleep. In a dream you don't think, you don't feel anything. Therefore, I constantly wanted to sleep and slept - at night, during the day, at any free time, just so as not to feel anxious.
“The attack of pain lasted four hours”
I asked a lot why they drink. Someone says: “I feel happy when I get drunk,” “I become brave, I can meet women.” That is, in alcohol, people find, as it seems to them, the easiest way to become happy.
Living on the street, a homeless person works 3–4 days a month and drinks the rest of the time. But in our community, it’s rather the opposite. But although drunkenness and idleness are prohibited in our country, we cannot force anyone to stop drinking if our wards do not want it themselves.
As terrible as it may sound, alcohol is a part of their life that they do not want to give up. This is their passion. Like someone has a passion for gluttony, a passion for money, a lustful passion. We are all prisoners of our passions.
I’m not an alcoholic or a drug addict, but I understand them perfectly. I also can’t resist doing what I can’t do. One day we were given several tons of Seven-Up. And I liked it so much that I bought myself a special refrigerator for it - I had to break the doorways to get it in! - and turned off the Seven-Up in liters. They told me: this is harmful. “Seven-Up” can’t be harmful, it’s delicious!” - I answered. And then I had a terrible attack. My stomach hurt, but I refused to understand that my unhealthy passion for soda was to blame. And after waiting for the pain to go away, he drank his favorite potion again. The new attack lasted four hours - even the ambulance did not help. Only after these torments did I stop drinking Seven-Up. Although I still didn’t have enough for a long time.
That's how it is with homeless people with alcohol. You want the forbidden fruit so much that you don't care. But some are saved—in the literal sense of the word—by disability. After all, if they continue to drink, another limb will be amputated or another stroke will occur. The sense of self-preservation kicks in—it sounds crazy, but it’s effective.
Painful indifference and loss of friends
So I graduated from university and started working as a children's choreographer. One day, we went with the children to a competition in another city. We drove about 50 kilometers, and I started having a panic attack. I want to run out, scream, cry. It's inexplicable, it's inside you, and it's killing you. I remember that I then called my parents and said that I would go out on the highway now and let them pick me up. In such a state, you can give up everything, the importance does not matter.
Then I realized that the worst thing is not physical pain or betrayal, the worst thing is indifference. You don’t care what you wear, what you eat, where you go, whether you miss deadlines or not.
Photo: © kinopoisk.ru
You are constantly trying to cling to at least some emotion, but you don’t care at all. That's why you completely lose the meaning of anything. You think, even if I have a job I love, even if I get a lot of money, even if I’m super famous, so what? What's next, what's the point?
Many friends abandoned me then. If I have always been a person who constantly gathered companies, danced at parties in the center of the dance floor and smoothed out all conflicts, then in a state of depression I was useless and difficult.
And even at that moment when I was losing friends, I didn’t feel anything. I wasn't interested. Of course, there were close friends who wanted to figure out what was wrong with me. Now I understand their value and significance in my life. Plus, everything that my parents went through makes me understand how dear they are to me.
“Well, let our money go to waste”
I started helping the homeless at the same time, in 2003. On the porch of the temple where I began to go, a gypsy woman, a mother of five children, was begging for alms. I took full responsibility for its content. And over time he became responsible for parish charity. My task was to collect things and funds for those in need - people from all over Moscow flocked to us, knowing that money was being distributed to everyone here.
One day our parish was visited by a priest who had a shelter for the homeless - one of the first he opened in the Tver region. And when I saw how we indiscriminately handed out to everyone what they wanted, I was horrified: “What are you doing?!” “We are fulfilling the commandment. We don't care about the rest. Even if people deceive us and spend this money on drink, the main thing is that we help our neighbors,” I explained to him with unshakable confidence in my rightness.
This position was very convenient. And then the wife of one unfortunate man, whom we regularly helped with money, came to us and accused us of killing him. “You don’t care about the fact that he dies under your fence, getting drunk, you don’t care about our family, which you are destroying.” Since then, I began to check the stories of everyone who contacted us for help. And it turned out that 95% were lying about their true situation. I realized that those who really need help must first be given shelter.
Understanding the essence of the problem, I continued to volunteer in other places. And in October 2011, the House of Diligence “Noah” from the Temple of Cosmas and Damian was opened in Shubin. At first, he continued to work as a driving instructor and maintained the shelter with his own and borrowed money, and opened new houses. But it soon became clear that it would not be possible to combine them. By February 2012, the shelter began making enough money to support itself, and I ended my business and devoted myself full-time to helping the homeless.
“Just eating chocolate or having sex won’t work.”
Thanks to my mother, by the way, I went to a specialist. I remember once writing to my parents: “Please forgive me, but I don’t want to live anymore.” Then they took me home. There was such anxiety that I slept with my parents at night. You see, I'm 23 years old, and I sleep with my mother.
A couple of times at home I had two-day panic attacks, and after one of them, I came to my mother, lay down next to her and said: “Help me.” I remember how we lay and cried together, because neither of us knew what to do, and then I told her that I needed a doctor.
She began to find out, search and found a specialist who helped me. You think at the moment of depression that you are the only one who experiences this. And the doctor says: “Yes, I know what it is,” even this makes it easier.
With a psychotherapist, we found out the cause of my depression. At the moment when my loved one betrayed me, all my emotions resulted in a nervous breakdown, from which it all began. And the resentment I harbored played a cruel joke on me in the form of panic attacks.
Photo: © kinopoisk.ru
A psychologist or psychotherapist will definitely help, but advice from “friends” in the category of “pull yourself together” will not. It’s not that you can’t pull yourself together; depression is a disease. You can pull yourself together when you are upset or tired, but this is different. Depression is at the physiological level; the body does not produce serotonin [the “happiness hormone”], so eating a chocolate bar, having sex, or watching your favorite movie will not help. Depression needs to be treated.
Well, of course, you also need to “get ready” yourself. If you let everything take its course, you won’t be able to get out of it. My doctor prescribed me tranquilizers [drugs that relieve anxiety], but explained that there is no point in taking pills if you don’t work on yourself.
“I don’t want to live anymore.” What to say to a desperate person?
Komarova Vera Leonidovna - psychologist, certified specialist in family constellations : I don’t want to live anymore - sometimes these words come out of the mouth thoughtlessly, when a person is upset, tired after a hard day at work, something doesn’t work out according to his wishes, children don’t listen... Another thing when a relative or loved one died. And there is a situation when a person really doesn’t want to live, for example, he finds out about his illness and he has a choice: to do something or fold his arms and do nothing. There are many situations when a person thinks about not wanting to live. When a person talks about this to family, friends, neighbors (whom he considers necessary and important), he expects moral support, wants to get strength for life, just to talk it out, he is looking for support in life. Those to whom he addresses sometimes become frightened (the topic of death is scary for many) and, on the contrary, stop communicating with him, someone says that “here I am...” and then there are instructions for survival, suitable only for those who it was created and used to using it, but not by the one who converted. A person often does not realize where this reluctance to live comes from. What lies on the surface is not always the true cause of the desire for death. A psychologist will help you figure this out. The reasons are deeper. People who are close to a person who is in a difficult psychological state can tactfully suggest ways out of this state, suggesting that it is better to consult a specialist than to try, as in a fairy tale, to pull yourself out of the place where you find yourself (from a state of melancholy , despair, hopelessness). Or give, for example, a link to a site where there are smart consultants and a professional forum. Or give the phone numbers of psychologists (several, so that a person can make a choice in this simple matter, then it will be easier for him to make a choice between the decision to live or die). If a person makes up his mind and comes to a consultation with a psychologist, we can say with confidence that he wants to live, he has motivation, he just needs help to understand the situation. Let me give you some examples. This may be a reluctance to come to terms with the death of a loved one - “I’m coming for you.” A person takes care of a seriously ill person and spends a lot of physical and moral energy - “Better me than you.” Or many feel “guilt” in the death of another person, arrogantly believing that they can control human destinies. Sometimes a person is identified with a deceased (or expelled) member of the clan (an aborted brother or sister, a tragically deceased grandmother, a drug-addicted relative, etc.) and bears his fate, as if reminding him that that person has the right to his place in the system. It is important to accept the illnesses that arise in a person, and not fight them, ignoring them, cursing them, asking why this is to me. It all starts in family stories. The interrupted movement of love from mother (and father) to the child can be restored so that a person can receive support and strength to live from exactly where he got the most important thing - Life - from mom and dad. Systemic family constellations (according to B. Hellinger’s method) allow a person to understand the intertwining of the history of the family and clan. Loginov Konstantin Anatolyevich, practical psychologist, Gestalt therapist, associated trainer of the Gestalt approach, employee of the psychological center “Here and Now” , consultant of the portal www.psyforum.ru: We can hear the frightening phrase “I don’t want to live anymore” in different situations and for quite different reasons. Most likely, having heard such a confession, many of us will begin to actively persuade the person to live on. In order to understand how constructive this model of behavior is, let’s answer three questions: who said it, what it really means, and what exactly is expected of you. Who can tell you about their unwillingness to live? It’s hard to imagine that this is a person who sat next to you on a trolleybus for a minute. Most likely, this will be a person close enough to you and not indifferent to you, whose life means something to you, and his loss will be painful. What do they want to tell you and what are they waiting for? If a person really doesn’t want to live, he simply does something to end his life, and does not talk to you about it. Therefore, such a phrase carries not so much information about intentions as a hidden appeal to you. Two criteria will help you navigate: an assessment of the situation in which you heard this phrase, and the emotions that arose in response. So, at the funeral of a friend, the phrase of his crying wife - “I miss you so much that I don’t want to live anymore” - will evoke sympathy, pity, and sadness. And if at the moment of a quarrel you hear: “You ruined my life so much that I don’t want to live anymore,” you may have completely different feelings: anger, fear, guilt, resentment. These are two completely different motives: - You are told about a high, almost unbearable degree of mental tension; - They are trying to manipulate you . In the first option, a person faces some change in his reality. The number of emotions is so great that it becomes difficult to imagine that they can be experienced. In this case, the statement about not wanting to live is an attempt to communicate one’s suffering: “It’s very painful for me and it’s difficult to get over what happened.” If you recognize that similar emotional stress is being communicated to you, one appropriate option would be to sympathize and mention that you too have faced similar experiences that were also difficult for you and took time to process: “I sympathize with you and understand.” , it’s not easy for you. When I lost my parents, it seemed to me that there was a hole in me into which all my feelings went. It took me a while to get over this loss.” The second motive is a way to achieve a certain scenario. They are trying to blackmail you, blame you and make you responsible for the current state of affairs: “You are to blame for my failures, so do as I want, otherwise it will be worse.” When faced with something like this, it is important to keep your distance without trying too much to sympathize, reassure or care. It is more important not to take responsibility for the life of another person, and to substantively designate the boundaries of your joint participation in the current situation: “I cannot be responsible for what you can do to yourself. I admit my responsibility in that I was rarely sincere with you, but I also think that you did not make enough efforts for us to discuss this earlier.” No matter what sauce is seasoned with the “I don’t want to live anymore” dish, you can be sure that they want attention and emotional involvement from you. In the Western world, death is a frightening event that is spoken about extremely rarely and with extreme caution. Therefore, any mention is doomed to clash with strong feelings and threatens to fall into the trap of fear and addiction. Marchevskaya Elena Borisovna - psychological consultant, member of the Professional Psychotherapeutic League and the European Association of Transactional Analysis (EATA ), certified specialist of the European Association of Counseling, consultant of the Psychological Navigator portal: Often behind the words “I don’t want to live anymore” there is hidden “I don’t want to live like this anymore”...If If we look at this situation from the point of view of Transactional Analysis, then we will hear in this statement the voice of a Child who is tired of following Parental instructions, hoping to find the promised happiness (joy, success, love, etc.). He is disappointed in the power of the Parent, but he is also unable to abandon him, because the Child needs care, support and wise guidance. At the same time, the person ignores the power of his own Adult, from whom the necessary support and care can come. To help a person move through despair and release the power of his Adult, you need to: • start by listening. Without judging, without judging. Even if you are shocked by his story, don't show it. • check whether there is a real danger of suicide (is it talking about planned suicide, etc.) and be sure to warn that you will not keep this information secret. • do not offer simple explanations of the situation, such as “you’re just tired” and also do not offer simple solutions: “go for a walk, eat something tasty and relax.” • support a desperate person. Remind him that no matter how bad he feels now, this condition will not last forever. Despair is a sign of crisis...It is a turning point. In the very heart of despair there is the energy of constructive anger to break through Parental prohibitions and take a step towards yourself, your own life. Olshansky Dmitry Aleksandrovich - specialist in Lacanian psychoanalysis , private psychoanalyst (St. Petersburg): From time to time thinking about the meaning of life and its meaninglessness is a completely common activity for a person. This is not a reason to start treatment and not a reason to rush to treat those who come to the conclusion that they no longer want to live. or as they say in Hollywood films, between “doesn’t want to live” and “want to die” - there will always be some helper. The very formulation of the question already suggests that there is a loved one who should say something in this situation or do something. That is, there is already a subject of guilt: if the other no longer wants to live, then this is my problem, it means I have something to do with this and it is I who am responsible for it and must take steps. As if the blame for suicide lies not with the “desperate person”, but not with the one “who should say something.” And guilt, as practice shows, is a screen for unconscious desire: we can only be guilty of what we ourselves wanted. Another question is what exactly a person should do if his loved one wants to stop living. As with any symptom, there can be no universal “what to say?” advice. The question is, “who” and “to whom” should this be said? After all, often thoughts of suicide come to mind precisely when those close to you do not perceive you as a subject, when you do not exist for others, in this case suicide becomes the only independent act, the only way to attract attention to yourself. It's easy to part with something that never belonged to you. And a life that was dictated not by your own desires, but by other people’s demands has little value for yourself, so turning into a corpse, an object, is the best way to give others exactly what they wanted from you. In this situation, the key question is not “what”, but “who”; it is this question that will allow one to avoid objectification, universality, and see behind a seemingly common problem a person’s independent desire (even if it is a desire to stop living). Why exactly YOU don't want to live? Popova Olga Fedorovna - psychotherapist, psychologist : Psychology, unfortunately, does not pay enough attention to the problem of suicide, mostly devoting this topic to psychiatry. And what can I say - a complex topic concerning the sphere of a person’s relationship with himself. Guarantees of personal freedom allow a person to build within himself such fair relationships as each person understands for himself, because the nature of these relationships, their nature is not described by either law or right. Attempts to describe how a person should or should not believe, in whom to believe, how a person should think, what to think about, dream about himself... look like an attack on his personal freedom. At one time, in “The Myth of Sisyphus,” Albert Camus wrote: “There is only one truly serious problem - the problem of suicide. To decide whether life is or is not worth living is to answer a fundamental question in philosophy. Everything else...is secondary. These are the conditions of the game: first of all, you need to give an answer.” In my opinion, every person professes his own philosophy of life, in which with every day he lives he answers these and other existential questions: “Why did I live this day? What is the time of my life filled with? Does my life have meaning? Do I like living the way I live? Do I have the right to be myself in my life? Can I bear my life like this? Sometimes a person does not find a positive answer for himself and decides to take the last desperate step directed against life - towards death. Some people choose life because... are afraid of death, others choose death because they are afraid of life. And here it is important to be able to convey to the client the idea that “how, when, why” to die means no more and no less than “how, when and why” to live. The courage to stay alive is akin to the courage to die; only by choosing life, a person chooses himself. At this very moment, he does not betray himself, does not renounce himself, but realizing how weak, stupid, terrible he can be, what Nietzsze called “internal evil in a person” remains to live. This really takes courage! But courage will not come to the client without restoring trust in himself. And here it is important for the psychotherapist to see in the client and understand his personal values, to remind him of his abilities, talents, opportunities in life that are open to this person, so that he can realize his values, realize his cherished dreams and take this wonderful “risk” - stay alive. And it is important for the psychotherapist to get and stay precisely in the territory of the soul of such a client, because the essence of the issue is not the position “for” or “against” suicide, but what this action means for the client himself, for his personality, his internal and external world . It is necessary, together with the client, to come to an understanding of the meaning of this person’s choice - suicide. Understand why the client chose this particular path as the only possible one for himself, why he does not see and neglects other options? After all, suicide is a departure from the intolerance of life, it is an entry into death, a very emotionally strong experience that awakens in a person the deepest feelings, thoughts and fantasies of his soul. And here, too, there is a huge field for joint research and psychotherapeutic work! Anton Mikhailovich Nesvitsky - psychologist, psychotherapist , consultant of the “Mirror of the Soul” project: As work experience shows, in a situation where a person does not want to live, there are two main points. The first of them is the demand for attention from this person. As a rule, in a situation where there is such a statement and it is expressed to someone (a psychologist, a friend, relatives, in general at least somehow voiced) - there is still a chance to help. Because when a person has decided to die and no longer needs anyone’s support, he remains silent and fulfills his plans. If he voiced a desire to die, this suggests that if he is given some help and support, he may change his mind over time. And here it is not so important what exactly to say, it is important to just give warmth, pay attention to his problems, listen, start offering at least some options for getting out of the current situation. Attention itself will be the help that a person needs, and there is a chance that, having felt not alone and not indifferent, he himself will eventually find the strength and motive to live. The second point is the loss of meaning. And if we talk about working methods, then the psychologist is faced with the task of turning to the categories of a person’s personal meaning. In this case, as practice shows, appeals to surrounding factors - family, friends, relatives of a desperate person - are not entirely effective; here it is necessary to search for the meaning of this person’s life, regardless of the surrounding circumstances. And for this, the surest way is to search for a person’s true desires, what he wanted to achieve in life, but for some reason could not do this, or did not find these very true desires. As a rule, when working with such people, a large layer of suppression of one’s problems, expectations from the world, and a large layer of various kinds of introjects are revealed. To put it simply, it often happens that a person does not live his own life, but having limited himself to attitudes taken from his parents or society, he is afraid to realize himself the way he himself would like, he believes that he has no right or does not deserve what is truly his would motivate me to live life to the fullest. In this case, it is necessary to find these limiting beliefs and help the person reconsider them. It also happens that the reason for thoughts about leaving life is addiction - from a husband/wife, parents, children who for some reason passed away (from life, or broke off a relationship) - in these cases, as a rule, you can find the origins of addiction , and the basis of any addiction is insufficient recognition of one’s own worth, dislike for oneself, and the inability to give oneself support and support. And you can help a person understand the roots of such an attitude towards himself, help him develop other principles of interaction with himself. It also happens that the cause of this state is long-suppressed resentment, anger, aggression, to which a person does not give himself the right, and it results in chronic self-blame and self-destruction on an unconscious, and then on a conscious level. If you summarize - the most important thing that a psychologist and any close person can do at his own level is to show a desperate person of himself - his value, his importance, his significance, his uniqueness as a person in the world and teach him to relate to his Persons with respect, introduce your feelings and desires and help them correctly express them. Chusovkova Anna Vasilievna Psychologist: I had experience in communicating with such a person ... She turned to me with what she wanted to die. There was a feeling that she came to say goodbye to me. This is a strange sensation ... As if there is some line between you and the person, and if a person makes a final decision, then I will not see him anymore. This woman had a difficult divorce, there are children, grandchildren, but she did not want to stay more. What to do? If a person has come to you, then he cannot actually just die. He came to say something, hear, do. In this situation, a person looks at you as someone who remains in the room called life, and he leaves ... I asked her: “You have the feeling that you have not done something in this life and you can not completely leave ?. She replied that yes, but she could not understand what it was. After a certain work related to relations with my mother, understanding of himself in this situation, we found that she still holds her here ... The next day she called me and said: "I decided to stay." The whole difficulty is to understand, to feel and realize what exactly does not allow a person to die and what needs to be done and say so that he remains. After all, we will always be able to leave, but to return ... There is such an assumption that we all pass some kind of lesson in life, and if you have not passed it now, then you still have to go through it, but in another life. Thus, you seem to remain 2 times in the classroom. And if you feel that you haven’t done something in life, take your time, try to do it, figure it out to the end. After all, we all will still have to die, another thing, with which you leave this planet, what you did here. And only your feeling can tell you whether you made this decision in time or not. If not, then let's talk about it now ...
“We don’t want to be pitied, we want one thing - not to feel any of this”
But the effect of the tranquilizers seemed insufficient to me, and the doctor refused to prescribe stronger drugs. In his opinion, they would be unnecessary; he believed that I could cope on my own.
Then I found another specialist, told him my experiences vividly, and after the first consultation I received a prescription for good antidepressants. I didn’t go to his sessions anymore; in terms of consultations, he was useless to me. Then I finally felt that everything came together - a good drug and good recommendations from my first doctor.
After two weeks of taking antidepressants, I came to the conclusion that I needed to change my environment radically so that nothing would remind me of the past anymore. I jumped on the train and left for Moscow. I started to settle in a new city, looked for a job, performed new daily tasks, and it distracted me so much that I forgot that all this horror was happening to me.
Today I no longer take antidepressants. I realized that I was happy and didn’t want to go back to pills anymore. My eyes are burning, I started to live. I finally heard that little girl inside me who all this time said what she wanted, but I did what I needed to do. Society says “find a job”, “go earn money”.
I can’t say yet whether my depression is over or not. But now I breathe differently, and I want to do something, and my thoughts are clean, fresh. I want to hug and give kindness.
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I probably would never have appreciated life so much if it weren’t for my depression. All the panic attacks were a great experience for me. Now, when I see that children are arguing in my class or, for example, no one is talking to one of the girls, I just gather all the guys and start talking to them. I explain to them that a person needs a person. I believe this is my mission, and I am obliged to respond to such situations.
I noticed that I spend more time with withdrawn children than with others. I involuntarily compare them to myself then, when I was depressed.
As a person who managed to get out of a deep psychological hole, I will give you one piece of advice. You don't even have to take everything I said above seriously. But never, hear, never say to people with mental disorders the phrases “You just like to suffer” or “You just want to be pitied.” It is not true. We don’t want to be pitied, we want one thing - not to feel any of this.
“I really need your God!”
I came to his church and looked him straight in the eyes throughout the entire service - naturally, without crossing myself even once. It seemed to me that this would help him “scan” me better. I really thought that “perceptive” was like an X-ray machine. But, as I realized later, my impudent behavior infuriated the priest.
After the service, several people approached him to accompany him to his cell, where he received people. And he allowed everyone to go with him. Except me. I was terribly offended: you see, I came to be baptized, I’m ready to hear the word “God,” but they still don’t want to accept me! But he still decided to follow the “elder”. And he slammed the door right in front of me. Remembering his boxing background, I decided not to argue with him.
My indignation knew no bounds. “I really need your God!” - I decided. But I was not offended for long: the meaning of life was never found, and I continued my “tour of the elders.” There were several more unsuccessful attempts to be baptized by different priests, until the Lord led me to my future confessor.
This temple was not far from home. The same friend told me about him. I came, stood through the service with grief and stood in line for confession - as I was taught. The priest realized that the conversation would take a long time, and asked to come to him after everyone else.
Can you diagnose depression yourself?
It is clear from history that you need to initially be more attentive to your mental health. And not because it is fashionable today, but because depression can steal years and years of life, poisoning and killing a person. But a depressed state does not always indicate depression, so you should be careful with self-diagnosis and even more so with self-medication.
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Psychologist Aliya Mukhutdinova assures that you can undergo primary diagnosis yourself using the Beck or Zang Depression Scale test. These tests were based on clinical observations that helped identify key manifestations of depression.
However, whatever the result of these tests, you cannot self-medicate on its basis. You need to contact a specialist - a psychiatrist or psychotherapist - so that the doctor makes the correct diagnosis and draws up a treatment program.
“With a mild degree of depression, it is still possible to correct the situation only with psychotherapeutic methods, but when it comes to a severe form, you cannot do without pills,” says Mukhutdinova.
What happens if…?
According to the doctor, if a person ignores or hides his depressive state from others, trying to live as before, this can have the most severe consequences: personal degradation in professional and family terms, the emergence of addiction to alcohol and drugs, the emergence of suicidal thoughts and attempts to commit suicide.
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You can support and, perhaps, alleviate a depressed person’s condition by simply participating in his life. You just need to not ignore his feelings, showing that you understand his problems and accept the person as such.
“You support and encourage a person’s desire to share their emotions and thoughts. Instead of abstract phrases, offer concrete actions. For example, instead of “Call if you need anything,” it’s better to say, “When you get ready to see the doctor, call me, I’ll take you,” the psychologist instructs.
