Plato, Socrates, Aristotle, and many other philosophers of the ancient world argued that man is a social being. This is an indisputable fact that was proven even before our era. To feel happy and fulfilled, any person needs to be part of society. No individual can live separately from society.
When we are born, we are closer to nature than to society, but children develop in a social environment and follow social rules and norms that are common to all. The development of a child, the process of his growing up, the life of an adult and his aging occur in a social environment.
Staying outside the boundaries of human society, an individual does not develop in himself those mental abilities and social qualities that make him human. Thanks to training and education, each of us receives all the knowledge and skills necessary for a normal existence, adopts the experience of generations and becomes part of the civilized world.
But what to do if you don’t want to communicate with people at all? Why does the thought that now you have to smile sweetly and carry on a boring conversation with some person plunge you into the abyss of despair? What is wrong with an individual who has no desire to contact other members of the human race and exchange experiences with them? Why don’t you want to communicate not only with strangers, but also with parents, relatives, friends and acquaintances? Does reluctance to communicate with people indicate the presence of a mental illness or is this a normal state of affairs? Let's find out!
Reasons why people have difficulty communicating
- Reluctance and inability to listen . This is the most common communication problem. It manifests itself in the following way: a person is frankly bored during a conversation or, on the contrary, shamelessly interrupts the interlocutor. This behavior is very annoying and is perceived by others as disrespect.
- Diffidence . Discomfort, slurred speech, and insufficient vocabulary become a huge obstacle to communication. I am constantly haunted by the fear that everything will be said incorrectly and will not be perceived adequately by the interlocutor.
- Categorical . The inability to give in, unshakable confidence in one’s own rightness and inability to accept someone else’s rightness will only alienate the interlocutor. This does not mean that you need to agree with others on everything just to be “good,” but no one has yet canceled delicacy and good manners.
- Dive into your own problems . If all conversations are translated into the channel of your experiences, then it is unlikely that you will be able to hold the thread of the conversation for a long time. Therefore, it is worth choosing topics for communication that will be of interest to everyone.
- The interlocutor is higher or lower in level of development . The dialogue will be interesting and relaxed among people whose level of intelligence is equal. If the interlocutor is superior in development to another person, then the latter will certainly begin to feel insecure, but he will most likely be interested in the opinion of a more competent comrade.
Having identified the reason why communication is difficult for you, it will be easier to start working on yourself and overcome the communication barrier.
Who has difficulty getting along with others
If a person is depressed by the lack of normal communication, it means that he has already identified this problem for himself and is looking for a solution. In this case, you cannot do without analyzing your own qualities. So who can’t count on shared love and acceptance? First of all, these are people who are fixated on the importance of their personality and do not want to be the first to make contact.
They are sure in advance that they will not be understood and try to prevent unnecessary worries about this. But other members of society often remain unattended. They are the ones who often worry that no one wants to communicate with them.
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Selfish people
Those who put their own interests above others, choose the topic of conversation based on their preferences, impose communication and do not listen to the opinions or statements of their interlocutors are unlikely to become the soul of society.
Melancholic people
Being constantly sad, always upset about something, they are not the best interlocutors. Tears that are ready to fall from your eyelashes at any moment are annoying. Anyone who decides to console them will be enveloped in an aura of quiet sadness. Melancholic people are not without good qualities - they are most often compassionate, empathetic people, ready to immediately respond to a call for help. It's not easy to change yourself. But if a melancholic person can control his emotions, the attitude towards him will change.
Skeptics and pessimists
Not everyone is ready to listen to cynical comments with or without reason. Anger and discontent emanate from eternally gloomy people. Those who strike up a conversation with a skeptic quickly lose their mood. Therefore, a pessimistic person should not expect the manifestation of joyful feelings from others. However, this is what happens.
Gossip lovers
Everyone tries to stay away from such people. After all, today they turn the life of one person inside out, and tomorrow of another. Is there any guarantee that they will leave someone alone and will not whisper behind their backs about the good and bad moments of his life, envy or judge.
Antisocial personalities
People whose behavior can hardly be called adequate are often left alone. Among them are patients with severe mental disorders, alcoholics, psychopaths, whose behavior can only partially reflect their true essence.
People with congenital or acquired defects
Many people worry a lot about their repulsive appearance or some other physical abnormality. They believe that for this reason it is almost impossible for them to make friends with someone or find a mate. However, there are many communities that organize communication and meetings for people with disabilities, pensioners, and those who cannot find friends on their own. This category includes people suffering from unpleasant body odor or bad breath. Nowadays many products are being produced that allow you to solve such problems and live a normal life.
How to make communication with people more effective
The following rules will help with this:
- Get rid of selfishness . You should think about whether it will be pleasant for others to communicate with a person who always takes the initiative in a conversation, and his manner of communication, in this regard, looks quite aggressive. It would be correct if during the conversation you maintain a friendly tone and allow all participants to speak. People will reach out to such a person for advice, they will always want to see him in any company, and he will have many friends.
- Be a good listener . Sincere interest and the ability to listen to your interlocutor are qualities that will allow you to become a desirable member of society. It is important for people to feel that they are not alone with their problems, and there are those who will listen to you, understand you, and give competent advice.
- Show interest in the subject of conversation . In a conversation, it is important to find common ground. Unfortunately, the topic proposed by the interlocutor is not always interesting for the other person. In this case, you should not show your indifference by all appearances. The effectiveness of such a conversation is zero. You should politely listen to the person and delicately lead him to a topic that will be mutually interesting.
- Avoid negativity towards your interlocutor . Sometimes it seems that only your own opinion is correct, and what others say is absurd. You should not undermine people's trust by proving to them that you are right and ridiculing their theories. It should be remembered that any opinion has the right to exist.
A respectful attitude brings people closer together and makes communication comfortable and enjoyable.
By following these recommendations, you can gradually significantly improve your communication skills. The main thing is not to expect results to appear very quickly, and not to torture yourself with unhealthy criticism.
I don’t want to communicate with people: why don’t I want to communicate with others?
If you have no desire to communicate with people, attend various events, be in crowded places, meet friends, go to the cinema with colleagues after work, answer questions from a neighbor on the landing or conduct a non-binding dialogue in line, then do not you should immediately diagnose yourself with “sociopathy”, “social phobia” or “misanthropy”, just as you should not think badly about yourself, blame yourself that there is something wrong with you, that you are much worse than other people and etc. Thoughtless diagnosis or self-abuse will not help you in any way, but will only worsen the situation: the desire to contact others will not appear, but your mood will deteriorate even more, and your self-esteem will fall below the baseboard. With this approach, you will want to lock the front door and never go outside again!
Let the diagnoses be made by specialists who have the necessary knowledge, they get paid for it. If you feel that the situation is critical, and your reluctance to communicate with other people makes you suffer on the physical, mental, and spiritual levels, then you should not put off visiting a psychologist. Sometimes it is really impossible to do without the help of a qualified specialist, so the sooner you make an appointment with him, the better. In all other cases, you can try to figure it out yourself and take the necessary measures to change the situation for the better.
Why don't you want to communicate with people? There is no universal answer to this question. Some people from a very early age experience discomfort in the process of interaction with their closest relatives, some get tired of communication very quickly and want to find themselves on a desert island, some are prevented from finding a common language with their interlocutor by childhood psychological traumas, some do not. knows how to build personal boundaries and protect them, some find it difficult to communicate with people after a toxic relationship, while others simply do not know how to behave in society.
Each of us has our own reasons and motives, many of which are hidden in the subconscious. You may think that you don’t want to communicate with people because you are not interested in them, but a feeling of self-doubt and an inferiority complex prevents you from contacting others. You are afraid of saying something wrong and disgracing yourself in front of witnesses, which is why you prefer to think that everything around you is a gray and boring substance.
Or a relationship with a toxic person has exhausted you so much that you are afraid to meet representatives of the opposite sex (having been burned by milk, you start blowing water) and build new relationships, so you prefer to think that “there are no normal men left” or “all women are mercantile cheaters "
These are just a few examples, but they clearly demonstrate how people, having hidden the true reasons and motives in the subconscious, deceive themselves and wishful thinking. In order to have a desire to communicate with others, you first need to delve into the unconscious and extract the true motives and reasons from there. While the skeletons are sawing away in your closet, you won't have room for new clothes!
“It’s scary to initiate communication”
It may be difficult for you to approach the person you are interested in and start communicating. You are afraid that your behavior will be perceived as inappropriate, unpleasant, or disturbing. Won't they ignore me, won't they turn me away? After all, next time it will be even more difficult to get closer and make an attempt.
These are completely normal experiences. Most people are scared and anxious to take the first step towards. This requires effort, courage, and a little bit of overcoming yourself. But there are ways to alleviate this condition.
First, choose people who seem least dangerous to you - usually in any team there are kind, sympathetic, pleasant interlocutors who do not try to humiliate others or put them in an awkward situation.
If such people have not yet come to your mind, take some time to observe - imagine that you are a spy or secret agent and you need to collect information about your team. You can even take notes.
Secondly, start with small steps - if you are anxious, do not break yourself and start a large-scale discussion in the cafeteria. Give someone you like a compliment about work or study. Next time, ask about something more personal. Gradually the relationship will begin.
"They don't understand me"
Perhaps you find it difficult to communicate because you do not find understanding with the people around you. For example, your interests seem strange or boring to them. And what interests these people, in turn, is not interesting to you.
There are also two approaches here.
The first is to look for communication based on interests. Thanks to the Internet, this has turned from a big problem into an adventure. It has become easy to find like-minded people in any corner of the world, in any language. Common interests sometimes unite people stronger than family ties.
The second is to refocus from intellect to emotions. Sharing information is just one component of communication. An equally important part is the emotional exchange, receiving positive feedback. “I’m here and you’re here, I’m good and you’re good, I notice you and you notice me.”
If in your life there is a lot of forced communication with people whose interests are alien to you, try to perceive the emotional message that is being conveyed to you. Whether a person is happy or upset, afraid of something or relaxed. “I see that you are happy with this purchase.” “You seem scared of this situation.” Such communication can be no less exciting.
In turn, you can also share your emotions, not just information. Tell us not about a specific concert of an underground and little-known band, but about the emotions you experienced at this concert. Emotions are what unites people from all walks of life.
“I think people are bored with me”
Elina, based on childhood experience, you have developed an assessment of yourself, that is, your self-esteem. Under the influence of your environment - your classmates - you are accustomed to considering yourself boring and uninteresting.
In psychology, there is such a phenomenon as learned helplessness: when, as a result of repeated repeated experience, a person automatically reproduces the programmed program. But you already have experience of a different relationship. When you came to college and started with a clean slate, opened up to a new environment - it showed your true qualities.
That is, in a friendlier, more accepting, humane, less toxic environment, you showed yourself to be the person you really are. And which, as it turns out, other people really like.
But as a result of the fact that your previous experience was negative, you devalue this attitude towards yourself. I am sure that you can easily say the phrase: “Every person is worthy of love and recognition just because he is. Every person is worthy of respect and attention only because he exists.” But at the same time it will be difficult for you to say: “Me too. I am the same as every person." Most likely, you will think that you are not everyone, that you are an exception, that you are worse than others.
What you have done in the new team is a change in external behavior. It took internal effort, but you did it. External behavior has changed, but internal attitude remains the same. But this means that you can make a decision and start doing things differently.
I suggest you this exercise.
- Take a piece of paper and write on one side: “I’m not interesting.”
- On the other - “I am unique, worthy of love and respect,” or you can ask several friends to talk about your positive qualities and write them down on the other side of the sheet.
- In your free time, as soon as the thoughts come to you: “I’m boring, uninteresting,” take a piece of paper and set it on the timer for 10 seconds. During this time, look at the inscription “I am not interesting.”
- Then turn the sheet over and time for 30 seconds. And read aloud what is written on the second side of the sheet.
- Do this for 2-3 weeks, daily, 2-3 minutes in total.
As a result of such training and repeated repetition, you will be able to change your inner attitude towards yourself and develop a different self-esteem.
Another important point is to change your behavior in cases where you are thanked or positively evaluated. You need not to devalue a person’s words, but to sincerely thank him for them, try to accept his words as the truth. After all, when someone tells you that you are good and smart, and you answer that this is not so, with your distrust you devalue the efforts of the other person, his respect, sympathy, love for you. Don't do this, accept kind words with an open heart and gratitude.
So, by deciding that you will treat yourself differently, by repeating the exercise, and by responding appreciatively to praise from others, you can change your self-esteem. And feel that you are an interesting person.
