All people are manipulators to some extent. After all, the search for benefits is an integral part of relationships. At the same time, some manipulations are harmless, while others simply destroy us from the inside. But we will tell you how not to become a puppet in the hands of ill-wishers.
Leading experts identify 19 basic techniques for psychological defense against manipulation. Let's look at each of them in more detail.
1. Protection against manipulation by the “clarification method”
One of the most common ways to manipulate a person is to make him feel guilty. “Puppeteers” emotionally demand something or accuse you of all mortal sins. You can easily break up such a clearly planned “performance” with the help of clarifying questions (as a rule, manipulators do not go into specifics). Find out in as much detail as possible what happened and what the problem is. Under no circumstances should you be led into provocation and give free rein to your emotions (no bickering, justifications or explanations - only questions!). Yes, your opponent may well continue to get emotional and put pressure on you. Your task is not to give in and steadfastly continue to pursue your line of true desire to find out the position of the other.
It is important to be able to pose questions correctly. Your opponent should not get off with a simple “yes” or “no” - his answer should be detailed and meaningful. This way you can easily move the conversation from emotional to rational. Plus, you buy yourself time to take the reins into your own hands.
Pretending to be a simpleton and “rewinding the reel”
If you pretend to be a simpleton, although you will react to the attempt at manipulation, you will officially interpret it as a misunderstanding or slight confusion on your part. Before the conversation can continue, this misunderstanding or this hitch will have to be cleared up. By doing so, you will avoid outright exposing your interlocutor as a manipulator: he or she will receive a subtle warning signal, but will be able to “save face” at the same time. Let's illustrate this technique with an example.
Situation: you have a conflict with your negotiating partner. You have agreed to apply the conflict resolution model, which assumes that each party first of all sets out and explains its position. But your interlocutor does not adhere to the agreement. Without explaining his point of view, he immediately offered his own solution. You are pretending to be a simpleton.
You: “Wait a minute, I’m a little confused. After all, you and I agreed that we would play out the entire conflict resolution model step by step. I just told you my point of view, and actually now it’s your turn to explain to me your vision of the problem. But just now, as your last word, you offered a clearly developed solution. Was this an example or was it a step ahead of events?
This technique is most often used in situations where the manipulator:
- trying to catch you off guard;
- distracts you from the real subject of discussion;
- wants to continue the discussion, despite some agreement reached;
- trying to make you feel guilty.
2. Apply fog to protect against manipulation
Often, bosses choose a “scapegoat” in the team and criticize this employee with or without reason, sometimes turning to outright rudeness. This is how managers try to assert themselves in the team. But this does not make it any easier for the employee himself. Of course, it’s not worth getting into a quarrel - this can only make the situation worse. Psychologists recommend not to show your weakness, but to remain confident and outwardly agree with manipulators. That is, you say to your boss: “I’ll think about how to take your proposal into account in my work,” “I’ll definitely think about this unexpected idea!”, “I need to think about whether this has a direct bearing on me...”, “Maybe...”, and in fact, you remain unconvinced. This way you will create a fog and discourage your opponent - his attempts to get the better of you will be defeated.
I have the right to evaluate my behavior and take responsibility for it
When we doubt that we can independently judge our own actions and decide what is right and important for us, we feel insecure and begin to look for some universal rules by which we can live. Manipulators take advantage of this and impose on us the views of supposedly wiser and more authoritative people or fictitious rules of social structures. In reality, they simply adjust our behavior so that we behave in a way that suits them.
“You’re raising your children wrong.” I raised two, I know better.
- Unassertive: “Tell me what I’m doing wrong?”
- Assertive: “I want to decide for myself how to raise my children.”
3. “Broken Record” vs. Manipulator
There are often times when friends or relatives ask you for something, but it seems inconvenient to refuse, but at the same time there is no opportunity or desire to help. This is especially true when it comes to money matters. How often have your friends asked you to lend them a couple thousand before payday when you've already planned out your entire budget? And if it were so easy to say “no,” but manipulators put pressure on our feelings. They say: “Friends don’t act like that,” “I have children,” “I have a family to feed.” And all the arguments that you have long dreamed of going to the seaside or buying yourself a new gadget are crushed by their “This can be done another time, but we are on the verge of hunger and poverty.” How can I refuse?
Psychologists recommend preparing one succinct phrase that can be wedged into a conversation several times without any problems. This phrase should not be an excuse, but at the same time, it should clearly convey to your opponent that you will not do what he asks. It is important to pronounce the phrase with the same even intonation.
In the debt example it would look something like this:
- There’s still a week until salary and I would ask you to lend me 5 thousand rubles. I know you've been putting it off.
- Yes, but now I can’t lend you one.
Next comes the question: “Why? What's happened?" But you shouldn’t fall for this provocation either - stick to your line:
“I understand that you need money, but I can’t lend it to you.”
Seeing that you are not giving in, manipulators will begin to put pressure on your emotions, saying, “Don’t friends do this?” But even now, don’t let your opponent get the better of you:
- Yes, you are my friend and I appreciate it. Believe me, if I had the opportunity, I would lend you money, but now I can’t do that.
In this case, refusing a request does not mean that you are neglecting the person, but only defending your right to choose and desire.
Ask and listen
Conscious use of questions is one of the central elements of communication. As a rule, we underestimate the role of a question as a communicative tool. Many people feel that if they start by simply asking questions rather than immediately expressing their own point of view, they will lose the initiative in the conversation. But the opposite is true: by asking questions, you increase your chances of building a positive relationship with your interlocutor and achieving your goals. Why?
With the right questions you:
- you receive important information that will help you adapt your conversation tactics to the situation, because questions will help you determine what your interlocutor attaches importance to, what exactly is important to him;
- include your interlocutor in active negotiations, showing yourself from the very beginning as a partner and not an adversary;
- you can prevent collisions, return the conversation to a substantive level, which will help you cope with emotionally difficult situations.
By asking questions, you show your interlocutor respect, and it is important for any person to be treated with respect and valued.
To use questions purposefully, you need to understand the difference between open-ended and closed-ended questions . Open questions require answers in complete sentences, while closed questions can be fully answered with a single word or a laconic mention of a certain fact. As a rule, answers to open-ended questions are more complete and take longer than the generally rather sparse responses to closed-ended questions. An open question allows you to more actively involve your interlocutor in the conversation. Their advantage is that they provoke him to think, invite him to engage more intensively with the issue under discussion, and encourage him to make his own proposals. In addition, open questions always reveal more than closed questions. Here are some examples of open questions.
- What do you think the solution should be?
- What wishes do you have regarding this?
- What exactly is this problem?
- What is of particular interest to you in this case?
A closed question can be answered very briefly - with a gesture or one word. Here are examples of questions of this type.
- Do you want to think about it again?
- Do you agree to take a short break?
- What is your name?
- Have you made a decision?
Questions about the interlocutor's consent are important closed questions. Closed questions also work well in cases of vague and lengthy statements, when you want to force the interlocutor to express himself more precisely.
Open questions are used to:
- obtain more complete information;
- encourage the interlocutor to freely exchange opinions;
- push him to think.
Closed questions are used to:
- ask for consent, approval;
- get a confirmation;
- negotiate in a strict, clear manner;
- achieve a clear answer.
An important method of conducting a conversation is the technique of asking again . When asking again, you refer directly to the previous statement. This technique is aimed primarily at better understanding the interlocutor’s statements, as well as inviting him to more accurately formulate or critically revise his thoughts. Asking again is useful in all cases where something becomes unclear or is deliberately obscured.
The opposite of asking questions is, of course, listening . If you ask questions, you must be prepared and listen to the answers. Careful listening plays a critical role in negotiating and handling manipulation.
Listen means:
- tune in to your interlocutor, treat him with full attention;
- put yourself in the situation of the interlocutor in order to understand his way of thinking or his point of view. However, you are not obligated to share it at all.
Listening is primarily a matter of inner attitude, not pure technique. It requires enormous concentration and is therefore one of the most tedious communication techniques. However, professional listening skills can be trained and honed.
Those who know how to listen will more easily build trusting relationships with their interlocutor. Listening, like actively asking questions, is a kind of “key to all doors” that allows you to achieve deeper personal contact with your negotiating partner. Listening helps relieve aggression and hostile emotions. Like asking questions, listening is an excellent way to make a conversation more meaningful and constructive. Listening carefully also helps avoid misunderstandings.
The fundamental rule of professional listening is to show the other person that he is being listened to.
There are three possibilities for this, namely: silent listening, listening using attentional reactions, active listening.
- Silent listening. The listener is quiet, attentive and by turning his body towards the interlocutor demonstrates to the person that he is listening.
- Listening using attentional reactions. The listener shows that he is listening to the interlocutor using typical reactions of attention (nods, remarks like “really?!”, etc.).
- Active listening. The listener asks again, once again summarizes in his own words what the interlocutor said or reflects the emotions of the interlocutor, which are contained in his statements. Active listening is the highest form of professional listening. There are several types of active listening:
- by asking again;
- a return message, or reflection of what was said (meaningful message);
- a reverse message, or a reflection of the implied (emotional message).
4. “English Professor Technique” against the manipulator
This technique has an amazing story that happened to one translator in St. Petersburg. The girl needed to translate the lectures of a British professor. However, he spoke very quickly and indistinctly. After one of the first lectures, the translator asked the professor to continue to speak more slowly and in shorter phrases so that she could keep up with him. The answer was discouraging: “I'm afraid not... You see, speaking quickly and in long sentences is part of my personality.”
In everyday life, this technique will help protect against such a common type of manipulation in relationships as an attempt to change your significant other for yourself: quit smoking, stop swearing, return home at 6 pm, do not meet with friends on weekends. To avoid falling for these tricks, correctly express to your opponent your doubts that fulfilling his demands violates his personal rights: “This contradicts my principles,” “If I do this, then I will no longer be me.”
Changing Perspective
And this technique is, in essence, very simple. You do not respond directly to the attempt at manipulation, but invite your interlocutor to look at the situation from your point of view or the point of view of another person.
This technique is most often used in situations where the manipulator:
- refuses to understand you;
- pretends to be stupid;
- insists on his own and is deaf to everything else.
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6. Search for external factors versus manipulation
Manipulators prepare very carefully for their actions. They think through everything to the smallest detail, from words to the environment. It is within your power to find and use to your advantage additional factors that can influence the situation. This could be time, people, social foundations, and even some parallel events. The main thing here is to find the factor that the manipulator did not take into account when “tailoring” the situation to himself. If he planned a conversation at home alone, then take it to the company - let your friends take your side and drive your opponent into a corner.
Wary attitude towards the manipulator’s instant “liking”
Always be wary of people who, out of the blue, decide to be friends with you and show some kind of warm feelings towards you. If you have known a person for many years, but until this moment he did not even pay attention to you, as if you did not exist, then it is worth thinking about why right now your union has become beneficial for him. There is no such thing as a sudden surge of feelings. Friendship, love, trust - these feelings always develop over time, this is painstaking work on building relationships, based on mutual exchange, overcoming and complicity. Therefore, “suddenly emerging” friendship or “sudden love” is most likely a way to make you dance to someone else’s tune.
You are not “everything”, no matter how much the manipulator wants you to be
Often we can find ourselves as puppets in the hands of society - we are constantly pointed out accepted norms and stereotypes, which we may not agree with, but we are “obligated to follow.” Remember that you are an individual, not a herd, so when “total situations” arise, when they turn to “everyone” and not you personally, try to avoid such a conversation. In such situations, there is usually little personal freedom and control, so it is worth immediately defining the boundaries - where you are and where everyone is. But if you couldn’t avoid such a situation, then prepare an escape route just in case.
The manipulator is lying: the status of “reliability” will not play into your hands
You should be wary when someone from your environment starts a conversation with you with the words “I know you can always rely on you...”. It’s immediately clear that this person needs something from you. It is quite difficult to refuse in such a situation - the manipulator sweetened the pill by assigning you the label of “superhero”. But you don’t have to support this image if you are unable to help in a particular situation. The status of “adequately assesses the situation” will be much preferable to you than the status of “reliable person.” Explain to your friend, colleague, relative that both you and the situation can change, so the fact that you helped before does not mean that you will help today.
I have the right to make illogical decisions
It happens that with the help of logic we try to explain very illogical things: desires, sympathies, values. We look for weighty arguments to justify our choice, and we doubt it when we don’t find any. At this moment, other people can persuade us to make a decision that is beneficial for themselves if they select convincing arguments.
“I think you shouldn’t go to theater school.” The competition among actors is fierce, and they are also underpaid. Better go to law school. Lawyers are always in demand and earn good money.
- Unassertive: “You're right. It’s probably worth thinking about a career as a lawyer.”
- Assertive: “I understand the risks. Nevertheless, I want to go to theater school because it interests me. I am ready to take responsibility for my choices."
