Situations when a man suddenly disappears - stops writing and calling - usually arise in the early stages of a relationship. Many girls don't attach any importance to this. For them, this guy’s behavior is a signal for immediate separation. After all, it is the man who must take the first step and pay attention. But often representatives of the fair sex begin to puzzle over the reasons for this phenomenon. It’s especially strange when the first dates with a man went like clockwork, but then everything suddenly came to naught. Today we will reflect on this topic and try to get to the bottom of the truth.
Situations when a man suddenly disappears—stops writing and calling—usually arise in the early stages of a relationship
The first thing to do is to carefully analyze your relationship. If they were short-lived - just a couple of dates - it’s even easier. Restore events based on fresh traces. What did you talk about, where did you go, what did you do?
The reason for the lack of initiative on the part of a man may be a banal offense at one of your phrases or even jokes. Don’t forget: all people are different, everyone has different pictures of the world and ideas about good and bad. Perhaps the guy really took one of your phrases, ridicule or jokes to heart. Only during the meeting he didn’t show it at all, and after the breakup he harbored a grudge. If you remember something similar, decide for yourself: write to the guy first and get him to stop being offended, or forget about such a vulnerable man.
Another option: while communicating with you, the man was repulsed by something. Again, this could go unnoticed for you - you were simply talking about yourself, about life, about your past and interests. But he, in the moment pretending that everything was fine, after the meeting made an unequivocal decision - not to develop the relationship.
For example, a girl may talk about her relationship experience. By imagining the image of this girl’s ex, a man may decide that your relationship has no future. Why? The guy compared his capabilities with those of your previous chosen one and realized that he was not ready to invest so much effort/time/resources into the relationship. Instead of trying, the guy decided not to even start. Probably, in this case, you should even thank him for saving your time. But if you liked the man, and the reason for his “disappearance” is so trivial, why not write it yourself?
The opposite situation (when you are talking not about the past, but about the future): the man heard your plans and, without informing you, decided that you were not on the way. For example, you really want to stay in your hometown forever, but his plans include moving to the capital or abroad. Or you are going to devote a lot of time to work, but he is hungry for a relationship and wants regular meetings. Often men do not communicate their decisions. Especially in cases where they believe that the relationship has not entered a serious phase, and therefore it is not at all necessary to report to you. But a woman may consider the same relationship quite promising and interesting. Hence the bewilderment - “Why doesn’t he write, because everything was so good?”
The man could be turned off by something in your tastes, lifestyle or views. Some people don’t see a future in a relationship with a girl who smokes. For some, even minimal portions of alcohol – a glass of wine for a holiday – will be an obstacle. And some people don’t understand how you can give up meat. Of course, it would be more decent to write and inform the girl about your decision not to continue the relationship. But we live in an imperfect world - not everyone in it acts according to their conscience.
A man could be turned off by something in your tastes, lifestyle or views
Perhaps the man wants the girl to write first too (at least sometimes)
If a guy shows very little initiative in a relationship, this is a bad signal. Most girls are not going to run after someone and always write first. Although, this is not without exceptions.
But guys also don’t like relationships in which the initiative comes exclusively from one of the partners. This is normal in the early stages of communication, but after several months, almost every man wants (sometimes demands) some kind of reciprocity. Otherwise, even the most loving young man has the idea that the girl is indifferent to him.
To this day, speculation continues about how often a woman can be the first to write to a man.
. We probably shouldn’t go to extremes here. Don’t impose yourself on someone who is not interested in you, but also don’t forget that both partners should invest in a relationship. Then this relationship will be harmonious and healthy.
Women's mistakes that lead to relationship breakdowns
The banal phrase “It’s not about you, it’s about me” is often far from reality. A man will not abandon an ideal woman who is completely satisfied; on the contrary, he will do everything possible to be close to her. If a young man suddenly disappears, think about whether you made serious mistakes . These may include:
- Forcing events. You’ve only sat in a cafe a couple of times, and you’re already coming up with names for your children together and telling them that you’d like to invite Aunt Klava from Germany to the wedding. The man is not yet thinking about something serious, so such activity scares him.
- Behavior that a man considers wrong. For example, you drink a lot, smoke, or your speech contains obscenities. It’s easier for him to immediately reject such a girl than to try to re-educate her.
- Quick sex. If a guy drags you into bed too quickly, for example, on the first date, then his ardor may simply fade away. And why does he need a girl who is ready to have sex with a virtual stranger for a serious relationship?
Here are the main female mistakes that a girl makes at the very beginning, risking losing a man.
READ How to break up with a girl if you love her, but there is no future
Perhaps he was counting on something else
Another option: during a conversation with you, the man realized that he would not be able to achieve his goal. After all, it’s unlikely that you had time to discuss in detail the format of your future relationship before the meeting. Most likely, this was not discussed at all. And already on the date it became clear: you see communication completely differently.
For example, the guy had no intention of starting a serious and long-term affair. Probably counting on the format of an open relationship. Of course, he didn’t say this directly. At the same time, the girl made it clear: she was only satisfied with a serious relationship with an eye to the distant future. This is the reason for the subsequent breakup.
Always in a bad mood
“We met at a party with friends, she seemed to me the most beautiful girl,” recalls Oleg. “I was in love and ready to do anything for her.” However, her constantly bad mood became the background of our lives.
Everything that happened around was criticized. She cried and complained either about her colleagues who underestimated her or about her envious friends. I'm tired of saving her and entertaining her. We broke up".
Attempts to awaken cheerfulness in a woman can turn into a symbolic way for someone to conquer her and initially please her. However, over time, if a partner is not willing to constantly be responsible for the emotional well-being of another person, the imbalance in the relationship becomes obvious to him.
The “eternal victim” begins to demand more and more attention and make the other person guilty for not investing enough in her salvation. Constantly being in a bad mood turns into a form of passive aggression.
Unsuccessful first meeting
As you mentally analyze and replay past dates in your head, you may remember how your boyfriend behaved. If a person does not have much relationship experience, he may make mistakes, worry, and rush things too quickly. This uncertainty sometimes leads to funny things. For example, a guy was in a hurry with his first kiss: you gently turned him off, making him understand that it was too early. For you it’s no big deal, but for a man it could turn into a slight shock.
Uncertainty sometimes leads to funny things
Such a “slap in the face” can hurt pride, shake self-confidence and even give rise to that very resentment towards the girl that was discussed at the beginning of the article. Hence the reluctance or even fear of the next meeting. After all, now the guy will associate you with that awkward moment from the past. And no one likes such memories. And the more moral damage a man suffered during that not-so-successful date, the lower his desire to remember you will be.
Of course, it’s hard to predict the course of events on a date. Any such curiosity is the man’s fault, because he deliberately takes risks. You can only try to smooth out the corners: do not react to every bold but unsuccessful attempt at rapprochement too sharply or aggressively, so as not to simply “scare off” the guy. And if this does happen and the man stops writing (and I would really like to), try starting a dialogue first. Already in the conversation, hint: nothing terrible happened and you will be glad to meet the man again.
She starts to push
“I just lost my head over her, and at the very beginning we spent all our free time together,” says Sergei.
“However, as we got closer, I wanted to see my friends, resume sports that I had abandoned. Just be alone. I didn't expect it to cause such resistance. She started to control me. Checking to see if I'm really at the gym and who I'm meeting with. I found myself in the position of running away and constantly making excuses: where I was and why we won’t see each other today. I don’t understand why she doesn’t have her own affairs and interests. This is killing our communication."
“Even in close relationships there is a risk of turning into a guest who has lost all sense of proportion and does not want to leave,” says psychologist Marina Myaus. — One of the partners can become such an annoying guest.
No matter how much we love each other, everyone needs space of personal freedom, and the need for it may not coincide. This is an extremely delicate issue and cannot be resolved with an ultimatum. If you are worried that a loved one has a greater need than you to spend time alone with himself, this does not mean that you are no longer dear to him.
Attempts to impose your desire to constantly be together only cause resistance and threaten the collapse of the relationship. What is needed is a frank conversation in which both are willing to hear each other, honestly explain their motives and make compromises.”
“Apparently there is no love”
For many men, like women, the same “chemistry” in a relationship is important. Some kind of attraction, sympathy, love. Then these relationships fill life with bright colors. It’s unlikely that everyone, but many strive for exactly this.
Sincere sympathy does not always arise immediately. But not every guy is ready to wait. Even one date is enough for someone to say: not for me. Again, often men, not seeing further prospects in the relationship, do not bother to inform the girl about this. Perhaps they are afraid to hear an angry or cold answer - this is also a kind of stress. Or perhaps they deliberately keep you in reserve in case they fail to find the one.
What will you do in a situation where your man has disappeared? Choose your answer
So, you have 3 options. Choose what to do.
- Call or write first : yes - yes, no - no, why bother in vain?
- Be offended and proudly remain silent, sending him to ignore. And then we'll see...
- Accept that if a man doesn’t call , it means I didn’t hook him, it’s not fate.
Which option do you think is correct?
Answer: neither one, nor the other, nor the third!
If you really want your chosen one to finally call you and invite you on the date of your dreams, you need to act completely differently!
Counterdependence
Here is the opposite situation: the man immediately began to develop feelings for you and that is why he abruptly ended the relationship. Why? Rejection of loved ones is typical of counterdependent people. Deep down in their hearts, like everyone else, they want great and mutual love, but at the same time they do not let a person get close, and at some stage of the relationship they can begin to behave coldly and indifferently. This complex is formed in childhood, but often leaves an imprint for life.
Relationships with a counterdependent
people will be difficult. However, they can still be happy and fulfilled. In this case, a lot depends on you.
Rejection of loved ones is common among counterdependent people
The man doesn't respond to your messages. Manipulating?
If a man is often “out of reach”, he appears and disappears, and your message can hang in the “unread” for hours - you ironed the veil too early.
My dear, if you see that he is online all day, but does not find time to answer your SMS, and when he answers, he refers to his busyness, “problems at work, business matters” - accept it: he is just not interested in this correspondence.
Yes, there are men who are really super busy, but at the same time they will still strive to interact because they feel good with you, they are interested. But if he sees you once a week for two months, then it’s unlikely that he really wants to devote time to you.
Either he is married or in another relationship, or the man is simply comfortable with this format. You don’t have to imagine that things will be different next. Will not be. He won’t “sort out his problems,” won’t “settle business issues,” and won’t devote more time to you.
Carefully! Pickup artist
There is another type - a manipulator. He either writes or doesn't write. He calls and then disappears for several days. Is this behavior familiar? Then be careful - in front of you is an immature man, a pick-up artist who uses the classic “Closer-further” manipulation technique. Today he is attentive and good, and tomorrow he is aloof, responding dryly to your messages or not responding at all.
This is a kind of game that affects you and your emotional state. And if you yourself are still an immature person who is led by this kind of provocation, then in such a dynamic relationship you risk becoming emotionally dependent on this person.
I’ll tell you a secret: most people are psychologically immature, because we were not taught this maturity either at school or at college. But it's probably not about you. At least because you are here, you are developing yourself, reading this article and trying to understand male psychology.
If you are interested in the topic of relationships between a man and a woman, I’m waiting for you on my free author’s program “Man: honest instructions for use.” Follow the link, register, develop and don’t fall for manipulators, pick-up artists and other unworthy characters.
I don’t recommend getting involved with manipulators: it doesn’t lead to anything good. Because a man is not confident in his present self, he is forced to play a role, to form a certain image in order to be loved. Because he has the belief: “If I am real, I will get hurt!” And he will cause this pain to you, play with your feelings, force you to invest your emotions, energy and time in a hopeless relationship.
Read also : Long-distance relationships: love or illusion?
Opinions of loved ones
A man’s own opinion can drown out the advice of a friend, acquaintance, or one of his parents. Some people are too dependent on the opinions of others. Their whole life largely depends on what their loved ones think or say. This also applies to their personal life.
Unlike other situations, in this case you will not be able to get to the root of the problem. On a date, everything could be perfect even in small things, but the opinion of a third party changed everything. Should you continue a relationship with someone so sensitive to the opinions of others?
Some people are too dependent on the opinions of others
Lack of "chemistry"
“Our relationship did not begin with some incredible passion,” Artem admits. “I was already burned before and tired of the meat grinder of feelings I found myself in.” With this girl I just felt calm and good, but gradually the orderliness turned into boredom.
I had to admit to her that we weren't right for each other. It was unexpected and painful for her, but I decided that it was better for both of us to end this story.”
“If a previous strong love brought suffering, then next time a person can choose an emotionally more vulnerable partner. And he himself acts from the position of “strong”, deciding when to start and end a relationship, explains Marina Myaus. “However, this strategy does not always work.
Human relationships are not static. Control over the situation, its predictability, which initially brings pleasure, turn into a feeling of inadequacy of the connection and disappointment.” If you feel that you value the relationship more than your partner, but for some reason you agree with this imbalance, you should be prepared for the fact that your dependence, which flattered him, may repel him over time.
What if a man disappeared after the first intimate relationship?
Remember - we live in an imperfect world. There are many not just dishonest or irresponsible people, but also cunning, vile people. They believe that any method is good to achieve a goal. Perhaps the man was simply trying to sleep with you at any cost. And so he painted a fantastic picture of future relationships, doing his best to portray the seriousness of his intentions. Having received what he wanted, the girl ceased to be interesting to him. Unfortunately, this happens often.
But it is also likely that before the first intimacy the guy really made big plans and did not lie when talking about serious intentions. But after sex everything changed. Either he didn’t like you as an intimate partner, or he, based on his observations, concluded that you didn’t like him. We have already talked about this above - in the paragraph about the unsuccessful first meeting.
Take the first step - send the man a short message, letting him know that you are ready to continue the relationship. This way he will understand that nothing terrible happened and all his speculations turned out to be wrong. Of course, if there is no initiative from a man, you should not try to win him at any cost. If only because it is unlikely to succeed.
My girlfriend's secret
My friend Katya didn’t understand my whining. They always called her back. And even when the man made himself known late, she said: “My boyfriend is the best! Doesn’t write, doesn’t call, doesn’t invite me for a walk, doesn’t bother me - my sunshine.” I didn’t understand this attitude, but I had to admit that Katyusha was much luckier with the guys...
I unraveled my friend’s secret only a few years later, when I was already married. It was simple: if it happened that a man disappeared, Katya intuitively acted according to certain rules. And so he returned to her quite quickly.
I accidentally came across these very rules while watching a video on Lisa Volkova’s YouTube channel “POWER IN THOUGHT”. It talked about the behavior of a girl who is waiting for the first step from a man. It turned out that Katya did everything right, which, alas, I cannot say about myself.
By the way, how would you behave in such a situation?
“The man writes, but rarely. Is he not interested in me?”
This situation is not hopeless. If a guy shows at least some initiative, that's not bad. But how to understand his true intentions?
It all depends on the style of communication, intonation, mood, topics of conversation. You need to pay attention to detail. Of course, it is much easier to feel a man’s true attitude towards you through live dialogue rather than correspondence. If you don't see each other, phone calls will save you. But based on text communication, incorrect conclusions are often drawn.
A man can really be very busy at work, school or business. Perhaps the start of your relationship simply coincided with such a difficult period in his life. If at the same time he is truly interested in you, he will make every effort to break out of the chain of affairs and see you. If the guy just makes excuses and doesn’t even try to set a date for the next date
, such relationships can be considered unpromising.
We draw a conclusion
If after the above actions you do not see any changes in his behavior, it is better to refuse communication, because it will definitely not lead anywhere. An interested man is able to move mountains for his beloved. If, after special stimulation, he does not begin to express himself in any way, it means that he does not have the main motivation - feelings that would push him to actively get closer.
Relationships are always about two people. Not their actual presence, but an equal contribution from both sides. There is nothing wrong if a girl writes or calls first. We live in the modern world - for such behavior you will not be considered a harlot and will not be branded. But if you see that your overall game is, as they say, one-sided, you should think about what is happening.
Of course, a man has the right to be indecisive, because relationships require considerable responsibility, which largely falls on their shoulders. You need to look after your chosen one, give gifts, devote time, take on certain responsibilities as a couple - all this requires external and internal resources that no one wants to waste. However, it is worth repeating: if he is really interested in a woman, he will not hesitate for long and will begin to win the heart of the one to whom he is not indifferent.
Pick-up technique “Closer and further”
Pick-up artists often try to work with their partner’s emotions in order to arouse her interest. To do this, they can use a special technique: alternate between two completely different types of behavior. At first, such a man shows interest, writes, calls and asks for a date, and then suddenly disappears in the hope that you yourself will take the initiative.
Often, the more experience a girl has, the less chance a pick-up artist has of success. If you don’t have a wealth of experience in dating and communicating with men, know that sudden changes in a guy’s behavior are a game, an attempt to win your attention and interest. This is often taught in pickup books.
What to do in this case? The choice is yours. But it’s better not to dream about a serious relationship in such a situation, because for a pick-up artist this is not important, but another tick in the personal list of conquered women’s hearts.
At first, the pick-up artist may show interest: write, call and ask for a date, and then suddenly disappear in the hope of your initiative
Experiment result
The next day, Kirill went into the office where Lena worked. The first thing I did was look at her and ask if she wanted to go for a walk at lunchtime. Viva Victoria! It turned out even better than Lena expected: instead of a call, there was a meeting right away.
So, our experiment lasted only 3 days and ended successfully. I am sure that any girl can apply these simple recommendations if her man does not call. And instead of despairing that the man has disappeared, continue to go on dates with him, receive gifts and declarations of love.
But what about those whose relationships are seriously falling apart at the seams? What to do if your loved one has lost interest or even packed up and left?
restore your relationship
if you really want it. Get a step-by-step strategy and learn how to get your beloved man back in 35 days at Lisa Volkova’s free master class.
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What do you usually do if your chosen one disappears for a long time and does not make himself known? Share in the comments.
If a guy disappears after a few months of communication
It happens that a guy stops writing first even after several months of a serious relationship. Reasons for this behavior include:
- The guy is tired of frequent correspondence . At first, a young man can shower a girl with love stickers and poems. But when the relationship became established, short and not very frequent correspondence became enough for him. The best solution for a girl would be to take the situation calmly and not demand special attention;
- Resentment . A girl could accidentally hurt a man’s pride, and a guy would be ashamed to admit his small weaknesses, which she involuntarily drew attention to. The lady should remember what she said before her lover became sharply indifferent to communication. If offensive words really come to mind, then you should directly ask him about it and, if necessary, apologize;
- New love . Even when the relationship seems stable, a guy can become infatuated with another person. At the same time, it’s hard for a young man to break his girlfriend’s heart and it’s easier for him to remain silent and hope that she herself will gradually grow cold towards him.
If a guy suddenly stopped writing
Any girl will be unpleasantly surprised when her beloved, for some unknown reason, either completely stops responding to messages or does so extremely reluctantly.
But you shouldn’t immediately imagine that he’s having an affair on the side . Maybe something serious happened to the young man.
When a guy is tormented by a personal problem, he has no time for correspondence. If he willingly communicated for a long time, and then his behavior changed sharply, then you should show interest.
Men are ashamed to admit their problems. Therefore, questions should sound as delicate as possible, for example: “It seems to me that something has been bothering you lately. If you want, you can tell me now or when you see fit.” Sincere interest on the part of the girl will help the guy become more open and talk about his experiences.
Representatives of the fair half of humanity should not take a guy’s reluctance to maintain correspondence too seriously. Most often, men are busy enough and do not take such things seriously . If a guy sometimes takes the initiative and behaves like a real gentleman during meetings, then you should forgive him for his dislike of intimate conversations.
Why do men stop calling, start being rude and run away?
Lately there has been some kind of trend - a girl runs after a man, and the man runs away from her! And then such sweet, otherwise wonderful girls write letters to our administrator asking him to answer their question about why a man runs away from them?
Below I will give an example of such a letter-question. If you want to receive a personal answer, you can order a consultation HERE .
Let's get to the letter.
Hello!
I have this situation. I met a man about 5 months ago. We corresponded for a month and saw each other once a week. Then, on my initiative, we started a relationship. I asked him to decide whether he needed a relationship or not, he said that he wanted this relationship and we started dating. (I have already written many times in my articles and on the website - well, you don’t have to take the initiative with a man if you want him to respect you. Read about this in the article “How to keep a man? Or is initiative punishable” )
Further - worse. He said that he didn’t know if he could love me, and that annoyed me. We were arguing. After 2 months of relationship we broke up. But neither he nor I were able to break off communication. He said that he is not ready for a relationship, but he will bite his elbows if he loses me, because he considers me a wonderful girl.
For the last 2 months we have been meeting only once every 2 weeks, communication is just friendly. If I need a man’s help, he comes and helps, I don’t even have to ask him for anything. But that's all. We text every day for a couple of hours.
Previously, I started the correspondence, he supported it . But sometimes he might not respond for several hours. A couple of times during this time we argued, and I was the first to ask for forgiveness, and literally begged to forgive me. Recently we had a fight again, but then I decided to pull myself together and shut up.
That day I accidentally discovered your website “Sunny Hands” (how timely!) and instead of apologizing and running after it, I read your articles! He was silent all day, but in the evening of the same day he wished me good night, and I wished him good night. But I didn’t write anything else. The second day he was also silent. In the evening he began a correspondence and asked forgiveness for his behavior. From that day on, I stopped writing to him first. Now he does it. Communication seems to be getting better.
Yesterday he admitted that he still likes me as a woman (I really like him too).
What do you think, is it worth hoping for nothing else and just giving all the initiative into his hands, or is everything already useless, and he is already stuck in the friends stage, as stated in one of the articles? After all, we already had the relationship stage and it doesn’t seem like he wants to return to it. But at the same time, he doesn’t deny that he likes me. Moreover, he knows that I also have feelings towards him.
I would be very grateful to you for your advice on what to do in this situation and whether it is worth doing something. Regards, Tatiana.
I gave as an example only one of the latest letters that our administrator Dmitry sent me. I've been receiving a lot of letters like this lately. Thanks everyone for your questions. Without them, it’s difficult for me to understand what worries lovely ladies in relationships with men.
I will write quite a lot further. But in principle, I can immediately answer the question of Tatiana and other girls with a similar problem.
Of course, nothing is useless. Change your behavior, study the psychology of men, be sure to read the book “19 Mistakes with Men. How to make a man respect and love you,” consult with me, it is possible to order a Skype consultation and everything will work out for you.
If we talk about Tatyana’s situation, apparently, her man is not so used to initiative that it is impossible to return everything to where it needs to be. After all, male instincts are very strong. In this case, that's good.
Tatyana's man is one of the most ordinary men. Otherwise, he has completely standard needs and fears characteristic of the average man. This is good, since men with serious deviations from the average can be difficult to interact with. I talked about these in detail in an article about male manipulators, read the link
If we’re talking about Tatyana, or more precisely about her behavior with men, then it’s immediately obvious that she doesn’t value herself enough. Maybe not in life in general, but in relationships with men who become close. This manifests itself in completely unnecessary initiative in relationships and completely unnecessary apologies, including from the first one after the usual showdown.
So I re-read the letter and the phrase immediately catches my eye: “Before, I always started the correspondence” and further in the text that “a man could not answer the letter for quite a long time.”
Such behavior as always writing a letter yourself and always asking for forgiveness (no matter who is to blame) is excessive dependence, lack of confidence, lack of understanding that you simply cannot do this to a man. You can increase your confidence with the help of the training, which I described in the book “How to become more confident in yourself in 3 months”
Even if you are a beauty queen, even if your intelligence is off the charts, even if you are taller than your man in everything, you still can’t behave like that! That's all you can't do.
A man can be happy that a woman has turned her attention to him and fly on the clouds. He may actively seek acquaintance in the first months.
But all this can be ruined . You can ruin almost any man. It’s enough to start calling him, showing initiative, etc.
The second problem with men is regular scandals.
No matter what they say, men don’t like scandals with women. And they try to avoid those women who make scandals. Men don't like bitches at all, if by them we mean scandalous women. They love bitches if they are self-confident women who do not cling to a man and know that a man should run after her, and not the other way around.
To my utter amazement, a combination occurs quite often when, on the one hand, a woman takes the initiative with a man, and on the other hand, she scandalizes more often than is necessary for the case. But more on this again below.
Let's start with the fact that the woman herself calls the man, seeks meetings, asks for forgiveness, etc.
I will repeat 516 times.
A man has almost a basic life strategy - this is the strategy of a hunter. He will use it where it is necessary and where it is not necessary. He also tries to use it with women, although sometimes it looks rather stupid.
If the prey (woman) runs away, then he (the hunter) runs after her. Everything is fine here and this is the best situation that you should use in relationships with men.
If the prey runs too fast, let alone flies, then the prey is considered unavailable and the interest ends too quickly for our purposes.
And the last option is when the prey itself runs towards the hunter. There is also no interest here, or, more precisely, too short-term. Maybe you've heard that most men are either hunters or fishermen, although these are usually deeply unprofitable occupations. (for city residents) But it’s unlikely that you’ve heard of men who enjoy hunting in a narrow cattle pen. I think that there are either no such people at all, or very few.
The interest in hunting is not at all in the prey, but in the hunt itself. Prey is just as important, but it is secondary.
So it is with women.
If a woman seems too unavailable, then the man will not even approach her or call her. (This is sometimes bad. A man suits a girl in all respects, but he is not suitable or does not continue courtship after meeting). If anyone is familiar with this situation, then I recommend my book “23 Mistakes with Men. Mistakes on first dates” , where several such reasons are discussed.
If the prey runs away, but not too quickly, then this is the ideal option that you should strive for.
And if the prey does not run away at all, but on the contrary goes to the hunter, or, what is even worse, runs towards the hunter itself, then what is the interest in hunting? None. Even the most insecure man wants to hunt. Let it be not for lionesses, but for rabbits, but this does not change the essence.
That is, you need, on the one hand, to demonstrate that with proper effort he can achieve success (and not that the woman is completely unavailable); on the other hand, you are not too easy prey to call home on the first night. And there is always a possibility that a man may not succeed.
And let me remind you that it doesn’t matter whether it’s your first date or whether you’ve already been married for 30 years. It’s always the same.
There is always interest in hunting or not.
A man should always seek a woman’s attention, praise, a smile, a call and something else..
In other words, you must seriously reconsider your behavior. You should not run after a man, but he should run and pursue you. This is an axiom of male behavior and if it is not observed, then either the man leaves or the relationship is built with obvious flaws. (walking, drinking, depression, etc.)
What I'm talking about?
Firstly, you use correspondence too actively.
The author of the question writes that she sometimes communicates with a man for several hours a day and initiates communication.
I propose to reduce communication in principle and reduce the manifestation of initiative on our part by an order of magnitude. (That is, once every 10)
To be very specific, then:
— Write less than a man in terms of the number of words and messages.
- Stop communication before it ends. It often seems that a little more and everything will be great. This is wrong. Several hours of communication by correspondence or even verbally can only happen in some unusual situations. (Something important needs to be discussed, but we can’t meet).
Usually half an hour is more than enough. Cut off communication even if it seems like there is more to say.
- Write less often yourself first.
Here I think everything is obvious and even partially applied. It's simple. Write first less often.
- If possible, be the first to cut off communication, even if the communication is not too long.
— Don’t write every day.
If the relationship is just beginning to develop and only a couple of months have passed since we started dating, then it is even harmful to text or talk on the phone every day.
Skip one or two days. It will only be better for both you and the man.
The author writes in a letter that once she and a man did not correspond for two days and after that the relationship became better. Repeat similar actions, without excessiveness, and everything will be fine.
— And the last thing is don’t always answer right away.
If the message came during the working day, then write after work adding something like: “I just got free and read the message” so that you don’t get offended for no reason.
In principle, it is not so important how exactly you communicate. The main thing is that he mostly takes the initiative in communication.
If you communicate often at the beginning of a relationship, and even take the initiative yourself, then the man perceives the development of the relationship as too fast. His fears come into play, that they want to put a collar on him, that he has no personal space, etc. .
These fears are extremely strong and immediately break all relationships.
If you correspond and communicate with a man every day (before the time, of course), then he does not have time to get bored.
If you correspond too often, and even often demand communication (for example: “Where are you? Why don’t you answer for so long?), then you interrupt some of his activities (work, stupid watching TV, etc.) and thereby you can irritate.
And, of course, we are talking about communication not only with this particular man, but, in principle, about habitual behavior that you need to develop in yourself.
Secondly, I can predict with 80-90% probability that you are reducing your communication distance too quickly.
As a rule, when a woman herself writes to a man, asks for forgiveness, etc., she does not understand the psychology of men well and, therefore, makes a second mistake before finishing the first. Namely, it reduces the communication distance too quickly. (From a men's point of view, of course)
Let me remind you that for men everything develops at a much slower pace than for women in terms of emotional rapprochement. I talked about this in the book How to Get Married Successfully . Somewhere in the article I gave an example that if a man at the first meeting tried to stroke a woman below the back, then for most women this would be too fast a rapprochement.
What women have on a physical level, men have on an emotional level.
And if for you your man may already be a potential husband and father of children, then for him you are still just a woman with whom it is pleasant to spend time, have sex or communicate.
Over time, of course, a man’s emotional attachment deepens, and the woman becomes his only one for life (if everything is done more or less correctly), but I repeat that this happens MUCH slower than you think.
What exactly am I talking about?
What could it be?
— An attempt to control a man’s free time.
A man wants to do what he wants and when he wants. Of course, tightening the screws as communication continues is inevitable (it’s stupid to think that a married man with children can behave the same way as a 20-year-old student), but this needs to be done much later and more gently than many women think.
— Trying to change his habits.
These could be eating habits (harmful as you think), clothing habits, habits of communicating with certain people in a certain manner, habitual lifestyle (nightlife, TV or computer), etc.
- Demands (not always explicitly stated) to introduce you to his friends, relatives, etc.
Everything has its time. There is no need to force this process. Usually this only causes harm.
Understand that you are now, if not a stranger, then very far in his psyche from the role of the only woman from whom he is ready to listen to everything and for whose sake he is ready to change a lot in himself.
It’s too early to demand almost everything except respectful treatment of you.
Men do not like to change their lifestyle and habitual behavior. And if you have not yet approached a close psychological distance (in his head, of course, and not in yours), you begin to demand something, then this is only the path to separation.
Once again on quarrels.
The standard man extremely dislikes women's scandals. Sometimes they are necessary so that you can protect yourself from being treated with disrespect.
Therefore, a scandal is sometimes a useful thing, but in extremely small quantities.
Moreover, the reasons for scandals are, as a rule, expectations from a man of what he cannot do for you due to his nature . That is, expectations of too rapid emotional rapprochement, as I wrote about above.
Remove excessive expectations and there will be much less reason for a scandal. In other words, if you perceive your man as a neighbor or colleague, then you are unlikely to demand one thing from him, then the second, then the third.
Let's take stock.
First.
The man perceived your behavior as too intrusive. This almost always leads to separation. Take less initiative, write less, text and call him less often.
It is ideal if you can sometimes not respond at all or not respond for a long time.
Second.
Almost 100% that the next mistake in a relationship with this man will be to break into a close psychological distance, and your man (or anyone else) is not ready for this. You can only demand respectful treatment at the moment and, after some time, monogamy. All his other habits are the habits of your neighbor on the landing, which you don’t care about. (unless, again, they bother you with loud noises, etc.)
Don’t demand anything from your man, even in your mind, especially in words. It will take some time for this to happen. And even when it comes, you need to know when to stop.
Third.
I would recommend that you stop making scandals, or at least make scandals many times less often. Scandals, sending men, and other harsh manipulations are working methods of dealing with men , but moderation is needed.
As a rule, the main reason for quarrels is some kind of behavior expectations from a man that more than one man cannot fulfill. Remove these expectations and there will be fewer reasons for quarrels . Understand that no one owes you anything. (Or almost nothing).
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