The year is coming to an end. Whether the next one will be better is unclear. What goals should you set for 2022? What steps need to be taken in order to fulfill them? Uncertainty and a ton of tasks raise anxiety, which the brightest lights and the fluffiest Christmas trees will not calm.
We invite you to read an excerpt from the book “Deal with Anxiety,” where clinical psychologist Risa Williams shared simple but effective ways to combat anxiety about the future.
Worry balloon
Before you can clear your mind and focus on the future, you need to identify all the worries in the present. Imagine that your worries and worries are inside a helium balloon. Remember how you held him by the string as a child. Every time you started to move or were distracted, he tried to fly away from you, and you pulled him back.
Anxious thoughts behave the same way. If you release them, they will fly high into the sky, like a hot air balloon. They will become smaller and smaller, soon turning into a barely noticeable dot, and then completely disappearing.
You are absolutely under no obligation to hold on to your experiences like a balloon string. It’s just an acquired habit to think exclusively in terms of anxiety. Every time you feel anxious, you pull your balloon down, preventing it from flying away.
Imagine the opposite: you let him go and watch him disappear into the clouds. Resist the urge to grab the rope and repeat: “It’s okay to let go of this ball.” And when he disappears from sight, breathe a sigh of relief.
Sometimes it seems that keeping a balloon with you is beneficial. If this is one of your core beliefs, it's worth addressing it. Ask yourself: “Why can’t I let go of this ball? What do I get from this? Is he helping me or harming me?
If you can’t answer these questions, try telling yourself: “I’ll hold my ball until exactly six o’clock in the evening, and then I’ll let it go.”
Set any time and try not to think about problems until that hour. Then, as promised, release your ball into the sky.
If you have multiple concerns, imagine a bunch of balloons and write down one concern on each one. Organize a whole balloon launch party in your imagination and release them one by one at the appointed hour. Watch as they rise higher, become smaller and finally disappear into the distance.
Now tell yourself: “I am confidently moving towards the future, and I no longer need to hold these balloons by the strings. I let them go and watch them fly away with relief.”
Exercise
Write down all your hot air balloon experiences. Close your eyes and imagine how it flies high into the sky, becomes smaller and smaller, and then disappears into the clouds.
Focus on the positive qualities
Do you know for sure that your new partner is a good, worthy person, but because of bitter past experiences, you are afraid to open up to him? Then this advice will help you leave all your fears behind. In this case, psychologists recommend writing down on a piece of paper all the positive characteristics of the new partner: for example, that he is caring, loving, responsive, etc. Keep this list at hand and look through it whenever fear and anxiety settle in your soul.
Pen
When we encounter problems and experience negative emotions, it is tempting to lash out at ourselves and attribute many negative traits to ourselves. We begin to prove how bad we are, we find a dozen reasons and confirmations for this. We become like an evil prosecutor who has filed a case against himself and decided to destroy the accused at all costs.
Here's an example: You received a notice about late payments on your credit card. You begin to reprimand yourself: “I’m a bad person, I don’t pay my bills.” Then the colors thicken: “I’m a terrible person, I owe money,” “I’ve never been able to handle money!” That’s what I need” or “Others know how to manage money, but I don’t. There's something wrong with me."
Bottom line: you achieved what you wanted. Now you feel disgusting.
Another case. The person you really like didn't call back after the first date. You tell yourself, “Nobody likes me.” Then you begin to descend the spiral staircase into the abyss of self-flagellation: “Everyone I love hates me because I’m bad,” “I shouldn’t have said so much at the meeting. There is nothing to love me for.” The result is the same: you are depressed.
One way to avoid such reasoning is to give it the correct label in the very first minutes. First, tell yourself: “Because of the current situation, I have a feeling that...” - and then say everything that you feel. This is very similar to the Badge technique. Phrases like these will help you distance yourself and separate your self-awareness from the negative thought pattern. Now formulate a new, more positive judgment that you can broadcast to yourself regularly.
Here are some examples:
What negative judgments do you often make to yourself that you would like to replace with more positive ones? Get them down on paper and then rewrite them in ways that are useful and help you treat yourself with more kindness and understanding.
How can we not cry?
The Brothers Grimm have a fairy tale about smart Elsa: the main character goes to the cellar to get beer, but does not return for a long time, and a maid is sent to her. She sees Elsa sitting on the steps in bitter tears. It turned out that the girl was pouring beer, saw a hoe hanging on the wall, imagined that she would get married, have a child, the baby would grow up, he would be sent to the cellar for beer, he would come here, and this hoe would fall on his head and kill him. How can you not cry? The maid begins to roar along with Elsa, and gradually the whole family joins them.
The future is uncertain. “Something terrible could happen,” the neurotic brain thinks and begins to worry.
However, we are smarter than Elsa, and the same brain understands that panic is not an option. To get rid of the unpleasant feeling, he decides to take control of the future, which seems to be the opposite of uncertainty. And he falls into a trap: such a decision only seems logical, but in fact it drives us into a loop of hypercontrol and anxiety, which feed each other. We worry, we try to control everything, we fail, anxiety grows, and we try to strengthen control... Lists of tasks for the week/month/year continue to be compiled, we make more and more efforts, but new attempts also turn out to be fruitless.
The feeling of anxiety drives us, forcing us to “decide on tomorrow,” but the future itself remains uncertain, no matter how clear and realistic plans we make. But the amplitude of our emotions reaches frightening levels: euphoria and self-confidence (“I can control everything!”) are constantly replaced by apathy (“I am worthless!”), because harsh reality brings us down to earth at every opportunity.
Often a person seems to realize that his desire to control everything is excessive, but he immediately convinces himself that such a strategy is the key to success.
This kind of thinking can indeed have a positive impact on our lives and help us cope with stress. Psychologists conducted an experiment: one group of participants solved problems in silence, while the other was disturbed by noise and distracting sounds. The first of them predictably showed the best results.
At the next stage, everyone was in the same conditions, but the second group again performed worse - apparently because the experimental subjects were doomed to expect that they would be interfered with. Then each of them was given remote controls with a button that allowed them to turn off distracting sounds. At the same time, the leader of the experiment warned that it is undesirable to resort to her help, but if extraneous noise interferes with concentration, you can use it. In the end, no one pressed the button, but the second group completed the task more successfully and even came close to the first group in terms of performance. Researchers attribute this result to a sense of control.
When we take responsibility for what is happening, it gives us more strength and resources to deal with stress. But if not everything depends on us, the sense of security and control that we gain in such a simple way turns out to be illusory, which leads to unpleasant consequences.
This also explains, for example, victim blaming - a situation when the victim herself is blamed for what happened: this is how the psyche tries to protect itself by instilling in us that if we behave well, then nothing bad will happen to us either.
But this is only a “reasoning” of our brain, and not a guarantee that we will not actually become a victim. It helps reduce anxiety here and now, but it makes us more vulnerable in the event of traumatic events: if we find ourselves the injured party, a person will blame himself for everything.
It is worth distinguishing between healthy control and hypercontrol - excessive attempts to manage what does not require control or is completely uncontrollable. He always goes hand in hand with anxiety - as a futile attempt to overcome it. And in order to get out of the vicious circle, it is necessary to understand the reasons for the appearance of disorders of this kind. Cognitive behavioral therapy works best with them, which can be done not only with a psychologist, but also independently. There are other tools that can help you learn more about yourself, such as the Taylor TMAS anxiety scale or tests that show how much you tolerate uncertainty.
A pen for your story
It's time to pick up an imaginary pen and begin a new chapter in the book of your life. The goal is to experience only positive emotions during the process and imagine yourself as the hero of your own story.
Sometimes it pays to listen thoughtfully to what you tell other people about yourself. What are you saying? What are you a loser? Are you unlucky? Are you doing something wrong?
Use your imagination to imagine a brighter future.
Instead, start telling everyone a new story! You may need to practice a little. You're used to talking about yourself in negative terms, so you'll likely feel uncomfortable at first. Take your time and start small. Over time you will notice progress. You will begin to like your new story and the positive emotions it brings. As Joseph Campbell said, “The real question is, are you ready to really go on an adventure?”
Pick up a new pen and write a new chapter of your own book!
Exercise
Take a magic pen and start writing a new chapter of your life. Don't forget that you are the main character in it. First, describe the week ahead. What joyful events will happen to you? What feelings and emotions will you experience? Describe only what you yourself would like to see in your future.
Ask friends for advice
It is not always possible to objectively assess the situation on your own. If you feel that you are really confused and cannot distinguish a real alarm from a false one, then you need to ask for advice from your loved ones: friends, relatives. If they know your new partner, ask their opinion about him, ask if they approve of your relationship, what impression your loved one made on those close to you. If the acquaintance has not yet taken place, briefly describe the history of your relationship, dwelling in more detail on the episodes that really bother you. The outside view is usually objective. Listen to what your loved ones tell you to completely dispel all doubts and worries.
Wall of Future Achievements
Some people like to make vision maps. I tried to do this too. Once upon a time I learned about them and decided that it might be interesting. However, this option did not suit me personally for several reasons.
- First of all, I don't like making collages. You need to print out photos, find glue, attach the pictures to some kind of board. Too much movement.
- Secondly, I don’t know where to place this huge board next.
It all seemed to take too much effort and time. So I decided to take a different path. I tried to do the same thing, only on a computer using Photoshop. However, here too there was a lot of work: it was necessary to select photographs by size and somehow place them on one large sheet. I also quickly abandoned this idea.
I decided that everything should be much simpler and more fun. I didn’t like the name “Map of Desires” anymore, because it was associated with a lot of problems. I replaced it with the “Wall of Future Achievement.” And the best thing is that this is what I named a regular folder on the desktop of my computer.
Agree, it takes literally three seconds to create a folder. This sounds a lot more fun and easier than fiddling around with a real wish card.
I started looking for photos on the Internet that showed what I wanted to have in the future. Then I would simply download them and place them in a folder called “Wall of Future Achievements.” That's all! Very simple!
Once every one or two weeks I opened this folder and enjoyed the collected photographs. Among them was a photo of two kids with charming smiles. This is how I imagined my children growing up healthy and happy. There I also saved photos of beautiful houses that I would like to live in, new cities that I would like to visit, magnificent beaches that I would like to walk along. In a word, everything that seemed pleasant.
The selection principle was simple. If one of the photos made me smile, I knew it had to go into the folder. When I got bored, I would sometimes go online to look for new images. I didn't look through the saved pictures too often, but just regularly added new photos that made me smile. I usually only opened the folder when I felt a lack of motivation.
How to build your own wall of achievements
- Create a folder on your desktop and name it “Wall of Future Achievements” (or whatever you prefer).
- Look for photos that show what you would like to have in the future. The main condition: choose only those pictures that truly make you happy or at least make you smile.
- When you need to gather your courage, open the folder and look through the saved images. Try to experience the feelings that you want to experience when those very desired events happen to you. Then add a few more photos and do it all over again.
Don't take your photo selection too seriously. The main thing is that you yourself understand their meaning. For example, if you want a promotion, you can choose a picture with a stack of dollar bills or any other suitable symbol. If you're dreaming of a vacation, but don't know where to go, find an image that you associate with vacation. Even if it's just a photo of the ocean.
Check with your feelings, ask yourself: “Does this photo really make me happy?” Or, looking at it, you just think, “Why don’t I have this right now?” What you see in your folder should evoke only positive emotions, inspire hope for a bright future, cause a smile or even a slight chuckle. But not envy or greed.
If you want to win an award, get a kitten, or move to another city, find images that you associate with these events. Let it be a cup from a cartoon, a road sign or a cat - save everything. You don't have to think too long about each picture. If you smile when looking at the photo, then this is what you need. The point is to imagine future sensations more often—to think how good it will be for you.
If possible, try to find time to look at pictures at least once a week. It’s a good idea to even set aside a separate place for this in your schedule. I myself periodically look into my folder of future achievements and rejoice at how much of what I planned has become part of my life. What images would you like to put in your folder? What adventures would you like to say a resounding “yes” to?
A simple trick: how to stop worrying and start living
Igor Mikhailovich: That’s all. Your consciousness tells you, even together with your doctor, that you will die tomorrow. Well, this is your diagnosis. And that’s it: there’s commotion here, or there’s humility, or something else. Or you can say: “Well, you’re the one who’s going to die. Tomorrow? Fine".
Tatyana: Closer...
Igor Mikhailovich: “And today I’ll start living,” you know? Here's a simple trick. There is no simpler tool. And this is how you said: “We must start living here, now and right now.” And Live. It is clear that one must get to Life itself, the Personality must...
Tatyana: Develop.
Igor Mikhailovich: ...to get stronger, to develop. And you should. It takes some time and effort. But if this is your choice, then you have to Live. And if you are engaged in the process of spiritual development - well, this... Then you can do it all your life, right? It's simple.
Signs of anxiety
- severe fatigue;
- "withdrawal"
- sleep disturbance, insomnia, frequent waking up at night;
- inattention and difficulty concentrating;
- inability to relax;
- hand tremor (shaking);
- frequent irritability.
If you do not recognize the feeling of anxiety and do not work through it, then there is a high probability of getting deep depression in the future.
Constant thoughts about the future and tension prevent you from living “here and now”, enjoying today, the minute.
What does it mean to distribute attention 90/10
Thea: That is, while doing this... consciousness performs this action, but again, returning, that’s 90% of attention, that is, you don’t just load it, but this is a process...
Igor Mikhailovich: You invest 90% of your attention in your spiritual development - namely in Love and communication, in the feeling of the Spiritual World and the feeling of Angels around, that is, the Angelic principle in people.
Even if, as I say, this Angel is in the state of a chicken plucked by a Chihuahua, he is there, everyone has him, there is hope. And so... This is important, you know?
And 10% is more than enough attention power for your consciousness to be loaded 24 hours a day with ten thousand projects at the same time.
Well, I blurted out a small number, just out of the blue - ten thousand. Maybe more, you know? And it will cope with everything, because it has nowhere to go.
But if it begins to throw up bad things and try to dominate, dictate, then you need to reduce the amount of attention, and be even more in a relationship with the Spiritual World, and then everything works out.
It's very easy actually. Well, let’s say, when it works out, you understand it. But when you get confused, when you get distracted, that’s where consciousness comes in... Why?
Again, I answer: everything is very simple, it distracted you for something, you lost your freedom, it was precisely spiritual freedom that you invested the power of attention in an unnecessary version in greater quantities into your consciousness. And then it captured you, and it begins to manipulate you.
And all your projects will immediately stop, because you are busy only with yourself, only with the comprehension of “how poor and unhappy you are, and nothing is working out for you and will not work out, and you are doing stupid things, and you really need to go, I don’t know, “Wash the floors there, you’re not capable of more.”
Washing the floors is not shameful. And since consciousness has suggested, you lift it by the ear and force it to wash the floors, in addition to the fact that it does everything. And next time it won’t make such jokes. Everything is falling into place.
Zhanna: Well, yes, this is what happens in life, that when you really start... It all comes down to human pride. Now if...
