Boycott and inexplicability: who is a perverted narcissist?

About perverted narcissists and their victims
Diagram of the relationship between a perverted narcissist and a victim
How to recognize a perverted narcissist
What should you do if you think you are dating a narcissist?

In the previous article we talked about who narcissists are. In this material we will focus on those of them who pose a real danger to others (especially to their significant other). We will mainly talk about perverted narcissists . You will find out what makes them different

,
how they build relationships with their victims
and what
this can lead to
for the latter.

The article uses the pronoun “he” for the narcissist and “she” for the victim. But this does not mean at all that all perverted narcissists are men, and their victims are always women. Both roles are genderless and are valid for both men and women

What is narcissism?

The word “abuse” itself is translated from English as “violence” and “abuse”. Abuse in interpersonal relationships is familiar to most of us, but not everyone knows that it may not be the result of neglect, but a consequence of narcissistic personality disorder (NPD) that one of the participants in the relationship suffers from. This pathology occurs in a significant number of people: from 1 to 8% of the total population of the planet, according to various estimates. According to the international classification of diseases DSM-V, it can be defined by the general signs of a personality disorder (grandiose conceit, fantasies of unlimited power or ideal love, belief in one’s “exceptionalism,” the need for exaggerated expressions of admiration for oneself, the illusion of one’s own special rights, addiction exploit people, lack of ability to empathize, envy and arrogant attitude towards people), which are accompanied by specific disturbances in the functioning of the individual and in the process of building interpersonal connections.

A person with narcissistic disorder is self-focused, obsessed with his own greatness and superiority, clinically incapable of empathy, and does not feel guilt for wrongdoing. He devalues what is associated with others and idealizes what is associated with himself. At the same time, the narcissist does not suffer from hallucinations, does not show signs of manic states, and generally gives the impression of a completely healthy person.

Perverted narcissists do not choose weak or insecure people to be their “victims.” Their target audience is bright and smart people.

Of course, not every person with NPD will become violent if you get close to them. As with any mental health diagnosis, there is a fairly wide gradient, so the patient may or may not be aware of the problem, or not fully aware of it, struggle or not, persistently change therapists in search of truly effective treatment, or methodically achieve partners before suicide.

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The type called “perverted narcissist” is truly dangerous to others. This definition was first voiced by the French doctor of psychiatry, specialist in the field of victimology and criminology, Marie-France Iriguayen, author of the book “Moral Harassment.” A distinctive quality of perverted narcissists is the ability to turn any situation upside down, distorting its details and the partner’s conclusions (“perverse” - from the Latin “pervertere” - “pervert, turn out”). They are the ones who choose moral violence as a tool in interpersonal relationships, and it can be difficult to get away from them without crippling the psyche.

My recommendations

For several years I have been teaching a course for high school students on “Ethics and Psychology of Family Life.” In lectures and practical classes, I teach boys and girls to consciously approach the choice of a partner.

In my opinion, you need to put an end to a love relationship if:

During dating, discomfort arises. If in the presence of a person there is causeless anxiety, anxiety, then this is not your person. You need to trust your intuition.
The partner behaves aggressively and allows cruelty. You should be wary of any manifestations of cruelty: in relationships with parents, with colleagues, with animals.
Haste in relationships. If your partner rushes the development of events: he suggests intimacy on the first date or living together after several meetings, it is better not to meet with him again.
Your partner’s attempts to reduce your communication with relatives and friends to a minimum. In addition to love relationships, each of us has other social circles. Your partner does not have the right to control your communication with friends and set a limit on visits to relatives.
Explicit and hidden manipulations. In order to learn to recognize manipulation, you will have to get acquainted with social psychology.
Your partner's desire to establish total control over you. If a person has everything in order mentally, he will not read your correspondence with friends, demand a report on the money spent, call every hour, wanting to know where you are and with whom.
Ignoring your needs. It is impossible to build a healthy relationship with an egoist. It's better not to even try to do this. If you see that your partner is not interested in anyone or anything other than himself, you need to run away from him and not look back.

If a relationship with a partner does not bring happiness, it needs to end. It doesn’t matter at all what your parents or friends advise. Everyone builds their own happiness, but someone else’s soul is darkness.

How to recognize a perverted narcissist?

Perverted narcissists do not choose weak or insecure people to be their “victims.” Their target audience is bright, smart people, open-minded, successful, impressionable, full of optimism and vitality. Often relationships with perverted narcissists end in clinical depression and suicide for their spouses and friends, and even more often in psychological trauma, which then takes years to heal, if at all.

A perverted narcissist can be identified by distinctive behavioral features that they, as a rule, are unable to completely disguise, despite developed adaptation skills and a brilliant image. In general, a potential “victim” should be wary of the following details.

1) A person speaks negatively about past partners, verbosely blaming them for problems that arose or a breakup.

2) A person is not inclined to admit that he is guilty and shifts responsibility to others.

3) After meeting this person, the partner began to sleep less, eat poorly, lost weight, began to feel dizzy in his presence, or encountered other unpleasant changes in the area of well-being. It is generally accepted that lovers and friends of perverted narcissists begin to suffer from psychosomatics early, and this happens even against the background of an apparent absence of problems.

4) A person strives to tie a partner to himself as early as possible, right up to marriage or moving.

© Sara Andreasson

5) Perverted narcissists sometimes have problems, although in general such people carefully monitor their behavior. Like patients with psychopathy, they do not experience emotions in the generally accepted sense of the word, but they are excellent at imitating them. Narcissists are able to observe others, calculating successful mechanisms of influence, but in unusual circumstances they can show insensitivity, lust for power, or something else that lies outside the scope of normal reactions. For example, such a person is able to tell how “well” he punished the offender (and the punishment will seem disproportionate to the offense), how he cleverly used someone, or how interesting it is to watch other people’s suffering.

Causes of the disorder

The formation of perverted narcissism in a man may be due to the following reasons:

genetic predisposition (if one of the boy’s parents had this disorder, it is highly likely that he will also develop this pathology);
raising a child in a single-parent family;
emotional coldness of parents in their relationship with their son;
mistakes in upbringing (if in childhood, overly strict parents constantly reproached the boy for something, put him in an unfavorable light in the eyes of their friends and relatives, and publicly punished him, then such a child will bring with him perverted narcissism into adulthood);
psychotrauma in childhood;
spoiledness and permissiveness in childhood;
lack of hobbies.

How does abuse work?

Researchers sometimes call the first stage of a relationship with a perverted narcissist the “honeymoon.” During this period, a partner may come to visit his “superhero” and discover that he has prepared his favorite dish from childhood, or find an exact copy of a long-lost precious pendant on his desk, or receive birthday tickets to Bora Bora.

The honeymoon looks perfect, but it can't last forever. After all, in place of a perverted narcissist’s self-esteem, figuratively speaking, there is a bottomless hole into which all the admiration of those around him and his own achievements are sucked in to no avail. Because of a personality disorder, deep down such a person feels insignificant and experiences desperate envy and anger. The lack of empathy does not allow him to empathize, and the illusion of his own greatness does not allow him to perceive other people as equals. The narcissist manages to hold back negative feelings for a while (purely for strategic reasons), but then his patience runs out.

The laws of communication are devalued, respect disappears, and from a precious chosen one or dear friend, the second person quickly turns into a powerless violator.

The moment this happens, the “honeymoon” ends and the so-called “ice shower” stage begins. A prince or princess suddenly, often in just one terrible day, turns into an unpredictable aggressive creature that attacks his partner with the cruelty of a chimera and in a few hours manages to turn his entire picture of the world upside down. The laws of communication are devalued, respect disappears, and from a precious chosen one or dear friend, the second person quickly turns into a powerless violator.

As befits a mentally healthy person, a lover or friend of a patient with NPD in such a situation will likely begin to suspect that he or she is partly to blame for what happened. This is exactly what a perverted narcissist needs. At the second stage of the relationship, his task is to destroy his partner’s self-esteem, humiliate him and thus assert himself. This is why such people tend to keep their partners close, reviving the honeymoon circumstances as necessary, and then reverting to their basic aggressive form.

Methods of confrontation

How can a partner emerge victorious in the fight against a perverted narcissist? The essence of confronting a perverted narcissist is the final and irrevocable severance of the relationship. To resist the narcissist's antics, you will have to spend a lot of effort. In order to have enough personal resources to fight, you need to constantly maintain adequate self-esteem and self-respect.

The only way to put a perverted narcissist in his place is to ignore him. How to do it? It is better to delete his messages on social networks without even opening them. It is also better to ignore calls to your mobile phone. This will help you stay on the right path.

The best way to counter narcissistic behavior is to ignore it. If you happen to meet by chance on the street, under no circumstances should you stop and engage in dialogue! If the girl responds to the narcissist's greeting, we can assume that victory is on his side. He will turn on all his charm, and she will again be in his power.

Boycott and inexplicability

Despite the fact that from the point of view of the victim the behavior of a perverted narcissist looks unpredictable, in reality this person uses recognizable techniques described in detail in the first Russian-language book about communication techniques for patients with NPD - “Fear, I'm with you” by writer and journalist Tatyana Kokina-Slavina :

• “temper tantrum,” when a narcissist suddenly displays wild rage in a harmless situation;

• gross violation of an important promise or demonstrative failure to fulfill obligations;

• “accidental” disclosure of a shameful secret, which becomes available thanks to the insertion of compromising evidence;

• a pause in communication not agreed upon with the partner, that is, a boycott;

• a statement about an allegedly impending breakup or a frank hint that a breakup may occur, presenting a list of conditions;

• a noticeable but unmotivated cooling of relations.

Of course, all of the above can happen in non-NPD relationships, healthy or not, for a variety of reasons. To correctly assess circumstances and test them “for narcissism,” you can use the following criteria:

• the presence of a strong negative emotional response,

• suddenness of the outburst and lack of clear motives,

• denial of what happened on the part of the alleged narcissist.

Such denial can take the form of gaslighting - one of the techniques of psychological abuse, which is designed to dissuade a partner from what he clearly saw, confuse him and lead him to false conclusions. Typical phrases in this case sound like “nothing like that happened”, “I don’t understand what you’re talking about”, “you’re complicating everything”, “you’re overreacting to ordinary comments”, etc. As a rule, such an onslaught greatly deprives balance, so that a person actually begins to doubt himself.

The ugly scene after the “honeymoon” ends the first circle of the relationship, and after that communication becomes cyclical. The positive phases begin to gradually narrow, the negative phases to grow, so that the relationship becomes similar to manic-depressive disorder, and codependency forms between the partners. “Be prepared for increasingly repeated cycles,” says Israeli writer and researcher of narcissistic disorder Sam Vaknin, author of the books “Surviving the Narcissist,” “Malicious Self-Love,” “How to Divorce a Narcissist and a Psychopath,” etc. “The narcissist idealizes, and then devalues and discounts the object of his original idealization. This sharp, heartless devaluation is aggression. The narcissist exploits, lies, demeans, abuses, ignores, manipulates, controls. The narcissist is almost entirely about control. This is a primitive and immature reaction to circumstances in which the narcissist, most often in childhood, was helpless.”

© Sara Andreasson

When communicating with partners, perverted narcissists often appeal to their “hypersensitivity” and tendency to create problems “out of the blue.” A person steadily loses his rights in communicating with him: the right to ask questions and receive answers, to talk about his feelings and to get angry. Anger and resentment appear to be “unreasonable” or “irrational.” After all, in order to gain complete power over a partner and legitimize the absence of human feelings, a perverse narcissist needs to depersonalize him, destroying his “I”.

In the second stage of the relationship, the perverted narcissist has two recognizable tools: “holding tactics” in dialogue and “water torture.” The first technique is usually expressed in the fact that the discussion of the relationship, as well as the opportunity to express one’s thoughts and feelings, is blocked. The narcissist changes the topic of the conversation, gets distracted by extraneous things, reduces the conversation to a joke, puts it off for later, mocks, complains about feeling unwell, and devalues the interlocutor in other ways. For example, patients with NPD often display hostile coldness, which they deny. This strategy allows them to make their partner angry and cry, in order to then ridicule his anger and thus humiliate him.

“Water torture” is performed without raising the voice. In the process, the narcissist distorts, turns inside out and brings to the point of absurdity the words of the partner, without removing his bored, arrogant mask. Of course, not everyone can handle this kind of treatment, so many narcissists lose their victims at some point. This causes fear and even panic in them, so that the methods of moral violence are instantly replaced by a new “honeymoon”. This game can continue for many months or even years.

Circle six Juicer

If you are still in the relationship despite the obvious destruction of your personality and health that occurred in the previous stage, then you move on to a new level of merciless abuse. The “juicer” will finally transform you from a person into a thing, a set of necessary functions.

First of all, your health will become completely unusable, which can be caused by dietary restrictions, refusal to buy medications or necessary care, insistence on pregnancy or abortion, not to mention the lack of basic help in running the home and raising children. Such neglect of a loved one (“neglect”) can take different forms – from deprivation of sleep and rest, overfeeding or underfeeding, forced changes in appearance, including operations, to driving one crazy and being placed in a psychiatric clinic. It is also quite possible to drive the victim to suicide.

In parallel with undermining your health, your narcissist will create threats to your safety, interfere with your work or creativity, harm your projects, extort money, publicly ridicule, induce you to engage in sexual practices that are unacceptable to you or cheat on you, and simply force you to do anything or everything. instead of him, simultaneously spreading vile gossip about you and converting your friends and acquaintances to his side.

The goal of the aggressor is to achieve complete control, as well as your complete isolation, to deprive you of a circle of support and the opportunity to ask for help.

You are given the image of a clingy neurasthenic, a pathological jealous person, a brainless fool and other inadequate people. Violence is taking increasingly savage forms, including deliberate damage to what is dear to you, including cruel treatment or even killing of your pets. The narcissist may also threaten you with serious harm or suicide. At this stage, leaving requires a huge amount of mental and physical strength, the ability not to succumb to threats or exhortations that will certainly follow the announcement of your departure.

Circle seventh Disposal

Not all victims reach this stage of a relationship with a narcissist; more often they leave earlier. Disposal overtakes those who are no longer able to escape, are completely devastated and are in an insurmountable dependence on the offender. In especially severe cases, the victim passes away either from a serious illness, or tired of suffering and committing suicide. Quite often, the aggressor leaves the victim in a difficult life situation, experiencing the death of a loved one, losing a job, or suffering from a serious illness. You are abandoned “forever”, leaving you in a state of severe depression, often between life and death.

At the same time, the narcissist will not hesitate to give you a farewell trick, for example, to grab all your savings.

The process of pathology formation

In early childhood, primary narcissism, like innate self-love, is the norm. The child perceives himself and his mother as one whole and narcissistically turns his mother’s love towards himself. With normal child development, primary narcissism transforms into object love as it grows older. A healthy sense of self-love is the key to success in life, however, childhood narcissistic injury disrupts the normal formation of self-esteem and contributes to the development of personality disorders. The inability of parents to unconditionally love their child, to distinguish him from the crowd, to show a special attitude towards him leads to the fact that primary narcissism is transformed into an increased sense of self-rejection and shame. Such a person will subsequently try to prove to the world his super-importance in order to protect himself from unpleasant feelings and emotions. If a child is spoiled beyond measure, then primary narcissism will not be transformed into love for other people, but will acquire a hypertrophied regressive form, and an unfounded sense of omnipotence will remain in the absence of real skills. A deep sense of inferiority will lead to the formation of a personality disorder.

Is it possible to build a relationship with a narcissist?

It is important to note that young men are often not interested in long-term relationships with girls. It is important for them to seduce as many partners as possible. Another question is if the narcissist’s goal is precisely to build a career and increase material well-being (See Psychology of Wealth). In this case, you can try to attract the narcissist's attention.

Another question is that mature men who have achieved everything can strive for leadership in personal relationships. This also applies to partners who occupy low-paid positions. They will actively express themselves in the family, humiliating their wife and children with their nagging.

Narcissist spouse

It is traditional to say that a husband is a partner for life. Not everyone is lucky with their chosen one, but people still live together for some period of their lives. Another question is that life with a narcissist will be very difficult.

Of course, not every narcissist is capable of making life a living hell. It is the perverted narcissists who achieve the greatest success in this sense. They have serious character disorders, which are reflected in their behavior in relation to close people. Representatives of the stronger sex have virtually no empathy (see Emotional Intelligence), as a result of which they do not know how to sympathize, have compassion, or support other people. Living together in this case will become a real test.

No, not every such man will turn life into torture. The masters at this are perverted narcissists. You can live with their ordinary representatives. But character disorders cause deviations in behavior. It may not be entirely correct, at least because of poorly developed empathy, the ability to sympathize, sympathize and understand other people. For a woman, living together with such partners often turns into a test.

The victim does not always realize his subordination

Victims of narcissists often report after a breakup that the relationship left them dry and drained. But in the process of the relationship itself, rarely does anyone understand this, because these people change your reality, your idea of the world, of everything that you liked before, making you a person convenient for them.

But no matter how hard you try to adapt to the narcissist, you will never succeed. As soon as you fulfill one requirement, others will appear and they will always be unhappy with you. The manipulations that narcissistic individuals use are quite difficult to recognize.

And the person to whom they are applied is at a loss and does not understand what he is doing wrong, because everything was so wonderful. Usually, understanding comes to the victim when a critical point comes.

What is he like in love?

A special delicacy of narcissists is to build a love triangle with equal sides.

And receive resources from both, of course. Males can have a whole harem, while women can have a whole Excel spreadsheet with men lusting after them.

The famous “closer-further” game is generally one of the bases of manipulation for narcissists. If there is a love triangle, you can play it endlessly.

Sometimes everything is so obvious that all sides of the triangle understand everything perfectly, but no one says anything. Or he says... losing a narcissist is even worse.

There is another variety of daffodils. Such people start a harem instead of a relationship. Women are not as close emotionally, but their number is impressive.

And everyone wants him, even if not through such martyrdom as the partner in the relationship. And the more they do for him, the more they want it.

Characteristic manifestations

The narcissist tries to appear different from who he really is. He wants to be smarter and more beautiful. Cosmetic products are often used to improve one's appearance. When you go on social media and come across a narcissist's account, you can see photos showing a successful life. Although this is not true. At the same time, he will definitely edit his photos using special programs to improve his appearance. He tries with all his might to impress people, and often ends up deceiving him. Over time, the narcissist himself begins to believe in the invented image and does not agree with the reality of what is happening, which is a manifestation of schizophrenia.
Bombast. He behaves like a sublime being and treats others like servants. Tries to stand out from other people in any way.
It is his habit to humiliate. In this way, he increases his own self-esteem, his mood improves by humiliating others.
Such a person is afraid to show his emotions, because he believes that this is the limit of weaklings. A narcissist may show some feelings, but do it for show, in order to increase his importance.
Lack of ability to be a good listener. If a person knows how to listen, then he can sympathize and show patience. Narcissists do not have these properties. Such individuals interrupt the interlocutor when communicating, want to remain in the center of attention, and “me, me, me” is constantly heard in the conversation.
Such an individual often exaggerates his achievements. He passes off even the smallest victories as the result of long work. Such a person does not mind boasting, and often boasts of external attributes that he did not even earn.
Blaming other people. Such individuals do not resort to self-criticism. Therefore, at the slightest failure, they will blame everyone around, but not themselves.
Obsession with power and success. When we talk about success, in this case the conversation is not about working on oneself, self-development, there is an external gloss. Such individuals will not be on an equal footing with other people, much less obey anyone.

We can conclude that such individuals are characterized by the presence of the following manifestations:

exaggerated sense of self-importance; preoccupation with fantasies of power, beauty, success, superiority; the expectation that he will be recognized, while no effort is made; the need to be constantly admired; using people to achieve their goals; exaggeration of achievements and talents; the need to be treated in a special way, to unquestioningly carry out his orders; unable or unwilling to recognize the needs of anyone other than oneself; arrogant, arrogant behavior;

envy of others, confidence that everyone envies him; heightened response to critical statements; complete confidence in your uniqueness; there is no compassion, the object does not feel guilty; expression of anger during conflict situations; fear of one's inferiority; boastfulness, demonstration of success; characterized by the presence of mercantile interests; focusing on the negative traits of other people, masking one's shortcomings.