A manipulative person - how to identify and effectively interact with him

There are different people in the world. Some of them communicate openly and sincerely, do not hide their intentions and willingly share their thoughts and experiences. Others prefer to hide their true motives and act unnoticed by others. One type of such people is a manipulator. This is a rather insidious personality, he can force another person to act in a way that is beneficial to him, while the interlocutor will not even notice that he is being controlled.

Who is a manipulator?

Manipulator

- this is a person who, with the help of hidden psychological techniques, achieves what he wants from other people.

The word "manipulation" is translated from Latin as "manual handling", and was originally used to refer to the control of dolls. Indeed, a manipulator is a real puppeteer who pulls the invisible strings, which are the psychological weaknesses of the interlocutor, and forces him to act in the direction he wants. At the same time, the managed thinks that these are precisely his intentions and desires. Thus, a manipulator acts much more subtly and effectively than some tough dictator who tries to control people in an obvious and rude way - with the help of violence, orders, instructions and intimidation.

It is interesting that often even the manipulator himself does not realize that he is a manipulator. He manages people spontaneously.

We encounter psychological manipulation almost every day. Take, for example, commercials, posters, bright store signs, and other marketing techniques. They are designed in such a way as to influence certain weaknesses of the public and evoke in them desires that they did not have before. For example, images of food products on advertising posters are made in such a way that when they look at it, people involuntarily awaken their appetite. Tired of the constant bustle of the city, people, looking at a travel agency poster with an image of a girl relaxing on a beautiful beach, suddenly begin to want to go on vacation, although a minute ago they had not thought about it. A marketer is perhaps the most terrible type of manipulator, because he masters his skills professionally.

A manipulative person can easily be encountered in more everyday settings. In an ordinary work team, most often there is a person who quietly shifts his responsibilities to others. He does this unnoticed, using friendly feelings. It seems to everyone that he is such a pleasant person to talk to that it is simply impossible to refuse him. At the same time, all communication with him is limited to the workplace, and beyond that you don’t even meet with him. Not everyone understands this little truth, so the manipulator’s cunning takes a long time to work.

Even in your own home you can often meet a manipulative person. Some household members may deliberately put pressure on their relatives to achieve what they need. Most often, such people pressure on pity and cause feelings of guilt. A typical example is children who, by crying, beg their parents for permission to watch a cartoon, force them to buy him a toy he likes, etc. Parents, not wanting to offend their child, whom they love so much, follow his lead. Yes, children are one of the most powerful manipulators because they use the deepest human instincts and experiences - maternal instinct, a sense of family affection. Parents who bring a child into the world seem to feel their duty to him - to take care of him and provide an acceptable quality of life. It is very easy for even a child to influence such people.

Speech techniques of influence that any man can use

How to manipulate a person with words is often important for girls, especially when they dream of influencing the stronger sex. Effective impact depends on several important factors: time, place, mood

There are effective speech manipulations that any man can use.

According to psychologists, a woman can make absolutely any man fall in love with her using similar techniques.

Here are options for the top phrases:

• “I don’t need anything from you except your love or attention.” This is an amazing effect with which a girl hints that she needs a young man exactly as he is, without any achievements or income.
• “I am grateful to you for everything you have done for me.” This is another speech manipulation that a man is subjected to. The psychological move is based on the fact that the partner has not done anything special, and is not ready for serious actions. But this is a great way to get him to move.
• “There’s just not enough emotion to express how amazing you are doing this.” This is an effective verbal manipulation of men, which has a lighter effect in relationships. Family psychologists advise using it a couple of times a week, especially when the topic concerns discussion of sex life.
• “Behind you I’m like behind a stone wall.” You should always remember that a man should feel courageous and strong. Hearing this phrase, a man will raise his head, agreeing with this on a subconscious level.
• “I just now realized that my life was empty until I met you.” This is another effective speech manipulation that every man is subject to.

Of course, this rating should not be taken as the ultimate truth. After all, every person is an individual, he may have his own preferences.

The mechanism of manipulation development

Why does a manipulative person become the way he is? Some people are manipulators from birth; for them it is a natural psychological trait, and they are not even aware of their capabilities. However, most manipulative people become this way on purpose.

It is common for a manipulator to have a feeling of superiority over other people, but for some reason he is unable to realize this superiority; for example, he is too physically weak for this or does not have the appropriate social status. Having no open ways to get what he wants from other people, he uses deceit and cunning. Manipulators are driven by the highest degree of egoism, when in order to get what they want, they are ready to penetrate even the very depths of the interlocutor’s soul. They treat other people as inanimate objects that they have the right to move as they please.

Without showing respect for the people around them, manipulators, however, are in dire need of them. Without people, a manipulator cannot exist at all, since in itself he is nothing. There are concepts close to manipulation - parasitism, energy vampirism. A manipulator is a real vampire who uses the achievements of others as his own and asserts himself at their expense.

Aggressive

Such people are often hostile towards everything. They can be compared to dictators. They are unfriendly, and their behavior is almost always aggressive. These people allow themselves to criticize everyone and everything.

This behavior instills fear in weaker and fearful people who have to communicate with this person. By instilling fear, aggressive manipulative people get what they need from others.

Basic characteristics of a human manipulator

Manipulators, despite their secrecy, can be brought to light by certain signs. There are quite a few such signs, and the more of them are found in the interlocutor, the greater the likelihood that he is a manipulator.

Characteristics of this type of people

:

• Such people never directly state their feelings, thoughts, demands.
• They hide their real needs.
• They are able to quickly change their behavior and opinions depending on the situation.
• The answers to their questions are usually unclear and vague.
• They constantly try to shift responsibility onto other people.
• They say that they remember other people's requests well, but never fulfill them.
• When communicating, they often lie and remain silent.
• They usually ignore other people's needs and desires.
• Such people do not like criticism; they also try to deny even the most obvious things.
• Sometimes they begin to demand something in a harsh manner.
• They expect instant response to their demands and requests.
• Without any reason, they question the quality and competence of other people. At the same time, they do not try to prove their point of view, but use humiliation, insults, condemn the very personality of the interlocutor, and do not point out her specific qualities.
• They constantly blame everyone.
• Manipulators, as a rule, do not convey their requests directly. They try to call or convey their demand through a stranger.
• The manipulator believes that his point of view is the only correct one; he categorically does not recognize other opinions.
• The manipulator is inclined to threaten and blackmail; sometimes he does it openly, but with great pleasure he does it veiledly, as if trying not to give himself away.
• The manipulator tends to often change the topic of conversation, and he does this abruptly and suddenly.
• The manipulator notices that a person is poorly versed in a particular topic and begins to discuss it. In this way he wants to show his superiority.
• Manipulators tend to complain often. He exaggerates the workload, his illnesses, etc.
• When communicating with other people, they often show demonstrative servility - they flatter their interlocutors, give them gifts, etc.
• When communicating with a manipulator, other people feel awkward; in addition, when the manipulator achieves his goal, those around him receive some damage.

This is not yet a complete list of all the “markers” by which you can identify a manipulator, but using them you can determine with fairly high accuracy whether there are manipulators among your loved ones. One can quite reasonably suspect a person of manipulation if approximately half of the signs or more from this list are confirmed.

Whiner

The main signs of a manipulator belonging to this type are an endless search for sympathy from others. He always feels bad, and he strives to share this with other people.

Often many people show pity for him and try to console and help. When communicating frequently with such a person, a feeling of moral duty to him arises.

What are the types of manipulative people?

Everett Shostrom, in his famous book Anti-Carnegie, describes as many as eight types of manipulators

:

• Dictator
  . This is a person who tries to give orders to everyone. He screams and threatens if he sees disobedience. Power and strength are the main methods of his actions. Gaining superiority over others, he becomes an even greater tyrant.
• Calculator
  . Outwardly, he looks like a well-mannered person, often having quite a lot of friends. But in fact, such a person carefully calculates with whom he needs to be friends. In any case, he tries to get the maximum benefit for himself. If no profitable acquaintances are expected, he prefers to be alone.
• It stuck
  . These are people who prefer a passive, driven lifestyle. They want to be controlled and cannot do anything without orders. “Sticky” people are annoying and at the same time lazy.
• Rag
  . These people are characterized by lack of will, infantilism; they complain constantly and are mostly in a bad mood. The goal for them is to be pitied or at least paid attention to.
• Hooligan
  . This is a manipulator who solves all his problems only with force and noise. In any situation that does not suit him, he will fight and become rowdy. Those around him are afraid of such a person and try to please him in everything.
• Judge
  . This is a manipulator who is always dissatisfied with everything. At the same time, the scale of his condemnation often takes on a global character - he wants the whole world to behave “correctly.” Contempt for others is constantly written on the face of such a person. Such a manipulator is inclined to blame everyone, even for those vices that are not characteristic of them.
• Good guy
  . Such a puppeteer shows ostentatious complacency and tries to please everyone, although his manners often seem insincere. Despite this, those around him for a long time cannot figure out the manipulator and are surprised when such a “good person” turns out to be a terrible scoundrel.
• Defender
  . This is a puppeteer who tends to shield others and justify their actions. A person does this not at all out of love for others, but only out of a sense of selfishness - he wants to show himself more competent, smart and generous than others.

Regardless of its type, the manipulator is distinguished by such quality as predictability. If you recognize the way he controls others, you can effectively resist manipulation.

Why do people manipulate others?

Not all manipulation is malicious, even if it causes harm. People engage in this behavior for several reasons.

1. Weak communication skills.
   Some people are embarrassed to express their thoughts directly. Others grew up in environments where such communication was considered the norm.
2. The desire to keep at a distance.
   There are those who drive others to the brink, using manipulation as a weapon of power. Sometimes symptoms of a personality disorder, such as narcissism, manifest themselves in this way.
3. Fear.
   Many people do this out of fear, especially if they are afraid that they are about to be left alone. This often happens during a divorce or relationship crisis.
4. Defense mechanisms.
   Behind the manipulation may be an attempt to escape from feelings of guilt. Some suppress guilt through total control and abuse, while others are driven by low self-esteem, fear of condemnation, or reluctance to admit their own shortcomings.
5. Social norms.
   Some forms of manipulation are perfectly acceptable and even useful. This is how most of us learn that it is important to be friendly and cheerful at work in order to earn the favor of colleagues and management.
6. Marketing, advertising, financial or political motives.
   In fact, all businesses manipulate our emotions and consciousness, persuading us to buy products and services, change our point of view, or vote in a desired way.

“Most often, those who have not been taught effective communication skills become manipulators. It could be worse: they were punished when they tried to express their needs or desires. As a result, the original meaning of human relationships was distorted, and strategies aimed at avoiding any miscalculations took precedence. Accordingly, the goal is achieved in two main ways: indirect communication and refusal of responsibility for one’s actions,” emphasizes Stringer.

Methods of managing people: according to Breaker and Simon

Psychologists Simon and Breaker identified a variety of methods for managing people.

Here are some of them actively used by puppeteers

:

• Lie;
• Deception through omission;
• Negation;
• Distraction (moving to another topic);
• Covert bullying;
• Shaming (the victim communicates self-doubt and fear through sarcasm).

How to protect yourself

If you realize that you have been manipulated more than once, you have nothing to do with it. Each of us is manipulated to one degree or another, and it is impossible to prevent it.

However, there are several methods that allow you to confront and set clear boundaries.

• Express your thoughts directly, clearly and specifically. Direct communication helps build healthy relationships and recognize manipulation.
• Learn to distinguish acceptable manipulation from unacceptable. Most people make passive-aggressive or manipulative remarks from time to time without any second thought. Signs of malicious manipulation include insults, systematic attempts at control, and a desire to cause pain.
• Set clear boundaries. If they are trying to manipulate you, explain how you should behave and stick to the chosen line. For example: “Mom, I understand how much you have done for me, but this does not mean that you have the right to humiliate me.”
• Seek advice from a third party. This can be risky, since manipulators often recruit supporters among mutual acquaintances. But if among your loved ones there is someone you can trust: a spouse, relative or friend - share with him, perhaps he will suggest a practical solution.

Victims of chronic manipulation and psychological abuse should consult a psychotherapist. A specialist can help you spot signs of manipulation, end difficult relationships, and reduce the risk of falling into the same trap. In addition, you will learn to build healthy boundaries and stop any attempts at intrusion.

Rules for communicating with a manipulator

How should you deal with a person who has been caught trying to control others? First of all, you yourself need to be a strong person who understands his desires, is responsible for his actions and does not want to be controlled.

There are two ways to communicate with the manipulator:

Firstly, you can simply ignore it. This method does not always help, since you can run into complications in relationships: manipulators are often very aggressive people. Secondly, you can move on to active confrontation and behave in such a way that your interlocutor will no longer have the desire to manipulate you.

For example, you can respond to all requests from the manipulator with one single phrase. This method is especially good when you need to refuse something. The phrase must be pronounced with a friendly intonation, but its content must remain unchanged. In this case, the manipulator quickly gives up - first he begins to press for pity, and then falls silent.

Another way is exposure. A manipulator usually hides his feelings, but he is not able to do this perfectly - for example, his facial expressions give him away. Having noticed this, you need to directly and clearly express your thoughts, saying, for example: “You are lying.” To enhance the effect, you can draw the attention of others to this.

An effective way is to respond to the manipulator’s criticism and accusations with consent; True, you only need to agree with what is actually true. This way the manipulator will understand that the attempt to control the interlocutor was unsuccessful.

You can pretend to be a fool and pretend that you don’t understand the manipulator’s request. We need to ask him to explain in more detail. Manipulators are most often illogical people, so with such an answer they will prefer to stop trying to pressure. You can also abruptly jump to another topic, pretending that you did not hear the puppeteer’s requests.

Player

For such people, life is a game, and he is an actor. Often he gets carried away, and the rules of his game become more important to him than the result he strives for. In appearance, such a person is calm, since the entire scenario of his actions is already written in his head. He wants all people to unquestioningly play the roles that he has assigned to them. If anyone does not want to do this, he becomes furious.

Such manipulators are dangerous because they do not understand their functions in society, and therefore are very unreliable in work, love relationships and friendships.

Feelings of inferiority

The tricks of manipulators are not as simple as they might initially seem. In order to subjugate another person, you must initially “break” him. But more often than not, the manipulator finds a victim who already suffers from feelings of inferiority and self-doubt. If he meets a strong and strong-willed person, he will do everything to prevent her from being such. This is explained by the fact that it is difficult to force a person to do something. But if you press on his sore spot, everything will work out. Manipulators, like scanners, look for vulnerable spots and hit right to the point.

As a rule, they act quite unnoticed. The person does not have time to look back, and is already under his control. How to recognize a liar and manipulator and what to do next? If this situation happens to you, then you should act according to a specific plan:

1. Find out exactly how the manipulator exerts its influence.
2. Recognize it in your environment.
3. Learn to abstract yourself and protect yourself from it.

"Pretend to be a fool"

This technique helps to effectively deal with whining puppeteers. In general, it is suitable for those who want to protect themselves and are not afraid to confront the manipulator. The secrets of successful manipulation of a person can be cleverly turned against him.

When someone insistently demands something, you can pretend that you don’t understand and ask for it to be explained again. Puppeteers are not friendly with logic and do not like to explain something, so they give up pretty quickly. If such a dialogue is not needed at all, you can simply skip to another topic. For example, you can get out of the situation like this:

“He treated me badly again!” You have no idea what he told me!

- Yes, girlfriend, your man is peculiar. And I bought myself a new blouse! Silk, blue!

- No, he shouted and said that it was difficult to live with me!

- And it also has a cute bow! Do you think trousers or a skirt would go with it?

Gender difference

Women and men are different not only externally, but also internally. And their methods of manipulation are also different. How to recognize a manipulative man? He is charming and funny. Most likely, he knows how to give compliments and look after you beautifully. He is self-confident, but at the same time gentle and affectionate.

Things change when you reciprocate his feelings. The fish is trapped in a cage and is unlikely to be able to jump out. Now she is a permanent victim. Often a man accuses a woman of stupidity, naivety, calls her names and insults her. Cases of physical violence are also common. And the male manipulator twists everything so successfully that after all this the girl also considers herself guilty.

It is not uncommon for a man to be a manipulator in a relationship. How to recognize it? If you often do things for him that you don't really want, that's probably true. Set clear boundaries in your relationship. Do not allow yourself to be insulted and offended. If you have children in your family, it is likely that when they grow up, they will also take on the role of victim.

How to recognize a manipulative woman? They are more cunning and resourceful. They have a lot of tricks in stock that will make an obedient boy out of any man. Some scientists believe that there are many more manipulative girls, and this model of behavior has been ingrained in them since childhood. It manifests itself in five different ways:

• tears and hysteria;
• through sex;
• jealousy;
• feeling of shame;
• women's reproaches.

As a rule, women's manipulations are less noticeable and more successful. The main thing is that the man does not realize that he has been under his thumb for a long time.

Definition of concepts

The word “manipulation” is translated from Latin as manual technique or handful. Indeed, a person who knows how to manage people can be called a puppeteer. He, as if pulling strings, achieves everything he wants. Manipulation is a type of psychological influence. When skillfully executed, it leads to the emergence of intentions in another person that do not coincide with his actual desires. Manipulation can be psychological, social and even physical. It is always directed at another person in order to gain benefit at someone else's expense. As a result of the influence, a person begins to perceive the thoughts instilled in him as his own.

Thus, we can give the following definition of a manipulator. This is an individual who secretly controls others, instills his opinion in them and uses people to realize his desires. Often a person does not understand that he is being controlled. Moreover, even the manipulator himself may not realize that he is a puppeteer.

Charm

The manipulator would not be able to control other people if they did not like them. For this reason, he is always good, helpful, kind. But this only happens at the moment when he tries to win your heart. Once the job is done, the attitude changes.

Children can be a striking example. They are sweet and charming, but often manipulate their parents. For example, mom and dad are divorced. A little girl wants a new doll. At first she will be a lovely angel for her parents. But if a refusal suddenly follows, blackmail will begin. And the girl will turn to the one who loves her more. After all, it is this person who is easier to wound.

She can tell her mom that dad will buy her a toy because he loves it more than mom. The result is that she manipulates the feelings of her own mother. Most likely, the plan will succeed; the mother will buy a doll to prove to her daughter that she really loves her (although the girl already knew this very well).

Manipulative systems

Also, the book “Anti Carnegie, or the manipulator” talks about four main types of control systems.

1. Active. The manipulator controls others using active methods. At the same time, he takes advantage of his social position (chief, senior sergeant, teacher, parent, and so on). He likes to operate on the table of ranks and use the “commitment and expectation” technique. Such a manipulator will play the role of a powerful person to the end and will never show weakness. He seeks control over others and actively takes advantage of their powerlessness. The main goal is to rule and dominate at any cost.

2. Passive. This is the complete opposite of the previous type. Such a puppeteer pretends to be stupid and helpless. His main helpers are passivity and lethargy. Such a person wins when he suffers defeat, no matter how paradoxical it may seem. A passive manipulator allows others to work and think, just so as not to stress and do nothing. His task is to try not to cause irritation.

3. Indifferent. This type of manipulative person shows indifference and indifference, tries to distance himself and avoid contacts. Their motto is “I don’t care.” They don't really care, otherwise they wouldn't be playing this manipulative game. Methods of influence can be either passive or active. The puppeteer pretends to be either a ruler or a helpless one. Many married couples often play the game of indifference. One of the spouses, threatening divorce, in such a strange way is trying to win a partner, and not separate from him. The uncaring manipulator has a philosophy of “denying caring.”

4. Competitive. With this type of control, the manipulator imagines his life as an endless chain of wins and losses, like a constant tournament. He sees himself in the role of a vigilant fighter. He considers his life a battlefield, and the people around him as rivals and even enemies (real or potential). The competitive manipulator fluctuates between active and passive methods of influence. His goal is to win at any cost.

Actualization of behavior

People are not only attacked by puppeteers, but they themselves often use their methods of influence in everyday life. But it’s better to try not to be a manipulative person. Carnegie Dale, the American motivational speaker, believed that this was ineffective. Everett Sjostrom completely agrees with him. But there is no need to try to reject manipulative behavior. It is better to try to turn it into actualizing behavior. To do this, deception must be transformed into honesty, cynicism into trust, control into freedom, and so on.

Only constructive communication will help you communicate effectively with people and build harmonious relationships with them. Therefore, we need to fight against manipulators and try not to turn into puppeteers ourselves.

"Avoiding Criticism"

This method is ideal for those who constantly have to contact, live or work with a manipulative person. In psychology, this is considered a fairly effective defense technique.

When the interlocutor tries to criticize and attack in every possible way, there is no need to deny anything, otherwise an additional portion of reproaches will fall. It is better to agree with what is said, but only with what is actually true. Then you can carefully explain your behavior. It is important not to feel guilty about this.

An example would be a roommate situation:

- Alla, we were preparing a party, and you didn’t come again. You always come too late! What kind of friend are you, we wanted to rent an apartment together so we could spend more time together.

- Yes, I really came late and didn’t have time. Don't expect me tomorrow either, I have a date.

"Freeze-die"

The technique is suitable for those who are not yet ready to actively fight manipulative people. How to communicate with them in this case? You can look at animal behavior. In nature, they often freeze so as not to engage in combat with a large opponent. Here's an example of how to use this technique:

"You're new? What a pretty girl you are! I'm your colleague, Sergei. All the new cute girls are making me tea! Be kind, bring it to my office!” Silence and no reaction. “Where is my tea?” Silence again. “Okay, will the documents be ready today?” “I’m filling out the necessary papers, I’ll hand them over in an hour.” “What about the tea?” Again there was silence in response. An arrogant employee will pester you for a long time, but over time he will get tired of it.