How many times has each of us become an involuntary witness to a scene: a small child suddenly throws himself on the floor, knocks on it with his tiny fists and roars at the top of his lungs, and his mother desperately tries to calm him down and take him away?
A terrible picture. It’s even worse when that mother is you. Between 3 and 5 years old, children often throw tantrums for no apparent reason. This is often associated with age-related crises, but there are also more serious reasons. We will tell you why your child is crying and nervous and how to cope with this situation.
The main causes of hysteria
Age characteristics
According to the observations of psychologists, the crisis of 3 years is slowly shifting and more and more children are experiencing it when they enter junior preschool age, that is, at 3–4 years. During this period, the child actively learns about the world and relationships between people, and his social circle expands significantly. He strives for independence and at the same time wants to remain under his mother’s care for as long as possible. Negativism, hysteria, rebellion, stubbornness are an attempt to explore the boundaries of what is permitted and establish your own rules of the game.
In older preschool age, that is, from the age of 5, the child becomes calmer, as cognitive processes come to the fore. Added to the need to be independent is the desire to become successful. Some children experience failures, for example, when completing an educational task or a game, very painfully, and a defense mechanism is triggered - hysteria.
Disease
Hysteria, outbursts of aggression, unreasonable crying - can be caused by poor health or a more serious illness - neurosis. Small children cannot say for sure that something is bothering them or where it hurts. Before raising a child, be sure to show him to a doctor - a pediatrician or neurologist, so as not to miss the onset of the disease.
To attract attention
In the first year of life, the mother is with the child around the clock. As he gets older, he just can’t accept the fact that his mother now has other things to do. Even if she spends a lot of time with the baby, this seems insufficient to him. It also happens that when a child is looking for sympathy, you mistakenly assume the appearance of a strict teacher, this also entails the appearance of emotional discomfort in the child.
Double standards
The basic principle of education is the unity of rules and prohibitions. If your mother doesn’t allow you to eat a lot of candy, and your grandmother is ready to buy up the entire confectionery factory, nothing good will come of it. The child is simply confused about what is possible and what is not, and achieves what he wants by all means. Another example, you spent hours explaining the rules of the road to your child, and you yourself run across the road at a red light. As a result, the child becomes irritable, since he constantly has to choose between opposite and externally imposed behavior patterns.
Low socialization
Parents often take care of their only and long-awaited children without any measure. The child quickly gets used to the fact that the world revolves around him, all wishes are instantly guessed and fulfilled. When such a “little emperor” finds himself in a children's group, he experiences a severe shock. For example, in kindergarten - no one rushes around with him, everyone is equal. The same thing happens when another child is born in the family - the first-born fades into the background, because the mother now devotes all her time to the newborn.
Poor family environment
If parents constantly quarrel with each other, this inevitably affects the child’s fragile psyche, because it absorbs the emotions of mom and dad like a sponge. The situation becomes especially difficult if parents begin to divide their children during a divorce and resort to criminal methods. This is an overwhelming test for a child and often leads to neurosis. The child is overcome by causeless anger, he does not obey, and throws tantrums.
Children 5-7 years old
The whims of children at this age can hardly even be called whims. Rather, it is an established norm of behavior, the habit of getting one’s way not through dialogue, but by screaming and crying. Manipulation in its purest form. Most likely, the parents missed the most important moment when they could still change their reaction to the baby’s protests.
School also changes a child’s behavior. It is difficult for him to adjust to a new regime after kindergarten. Hence the tearfulness and sometimes inadequate reaction to what is happening around, the reluctance to go to school, and poor behavior in class. Problems are exacerbated by poor socialization and lack of self-confidence. Scolding and “teaching life” to a capricious child is pointless. It is important to help him overcome another age crisis. When the child adapts to school, problems with frequent whims will go away.
Why is hysteria dangerous?
Surely, your “wise” neighbors have already told you: “It will pass with age!” But they did not say that with age, outbursts of aggression and hysterics go away only in those children whose parents were able to cope with them. If nothing is done about hysteria and “crazy” behavior, then they get worse with age, develop into very unpleasant character traits and remain with the child for life. Advanced neuroses lead to serious mental disorders, insomnia, loss of appetite, chronic fatigue, enuresis, loss of interest in life, nervous tics, etc.
Children under one year old
The baby still definitely doesn’t know how to be capricious for the purpose of manipulation. Yes, he often cries to attract his mother’s attention, but this is dictated by a natural fear of being left alone. But not through emotional blackmail; the child will master these “skills” later.
Babies act out and freak out because they are tired, hungry, sick, bored, or teething. There are a lot of reasons.
Under the age of one year, babies, due to an insufficiently developed nervous system and a banal inability to speak, cannot express their emotions in any other way. Hence the whims.
The main task of parents is to calm themselves and calm a capricious baby. But it won’t hurt to learn now how to react correctly to a child’s tears, otherwise there will be much more problems with hysterics in the future.
How to deal with hysteria?
Let your child be independent
Never do for him what he can do himself. When choosing clothes, leisure activities, and menus, discuss possible options together and take his opinion into account. If the requirement is absurd or impossible to fulfill, explain clearly why this cannot be done.
Give up total control and allow your child to make his own mistakes. Gently point to them, show them how to do it right, but he must do the rest himself.
Teenage crisis
Physiology. At 11-15 years of age, accelerated physical growth and puberty are observed.
Psychology. Against this background, psychological changes occur: increased sensitivity, excitability, mood instability, incontinence, and possible aggressiveness. The desire for independence from adults and self-affirmation provokes rash actions: smoking, alcohol, early sexual intercourse, drugs. Teenagers gravitate toward grouping and spending time with peers. They are selfish and indifferent to others, while they really need the attention and care of adults.
What to do? A teenager should be treated as an adult, capable of making decisions and being responsible for their actions. There is no need to impose your opinion on him; try to lead him to adequate independent decisions. If your teenager's behavior worries you, consult a psychologist.
Age crises are natural. Their course depends on the child’s personality: it can be acute and painful or mild and almost unnoticeable. With the correct behavior of adults, the child overcomes age-related crises, and a calm, friendly atmosphere is maintained at home.
Cause for concern
Constant hysterics of a child at 4 years old may signal possible problems with his nervous system. It is necessary to contact a neurologist if:
- Hysterics are repeated very often, turning into an aggressive form of behavior.
- In the baby they continue to occur for a long time.
- During attacks, a child causes damage to himself and those around him.
- Periodically, during whims, the baby loses consciousness and holds his breath.
- Hysterical attacks are especially acute during night sleep. They may be accompanied by serious mood swings, fears and nightmares.
- The state of hysteria ends with vomiting and shortness of breath. After which the baby may become tired.
If the child’s health is in perfect order, then the reason lies in family relationships, as well as in the reactions of relatives and people close to them to the behavior of the baby. In the fight against such conditions, it is very important to remain calm and self-controlled. Be patient with your child. Try to find compromises. Many of the whims and hysterics of children can be prevented if the cause of their occurrence is found out in a timely manner.
Think about your child's future
When a 4-year-old child throws tantrums, it is not always easy for parents to remain calm. Most adults tend to feel like a bad mother or father at such moments. Despite all the rules and peculiarities of raising children, you must rely on your intuition. And if at the moment you think that the application of the rule “the parent should be in charge” is inappropriate, then do not follow it. But remember that there is no need to abuse such weaknesses.
Sometimes you can talk to your child for 15 minutes when he won't let you go. But only if such hysterics do not occur regularly after the next conversation. Try not to tense up inside yourself.
Reacting to the tantrums of 3-4 year old children is like putting out a fire that has already broken out. The art of parents is not to fight the whims of the child, but to prevent such situations from arising in the future.
Be patient
A child's desire to be an adult can be used for one's own purposes. For example, if you need to cross the road, you can ask your child to translate you. This is much better than the standard: “Okay, give me your hand here, now we’ll cross the road.”
Voice his experiences and feelings for the child. This will allow him to better understand his feelings and see that you understand his condition. If you see that a child has fallen and is crying, tell him that he fell, hit himself, is in pain, and that is why he is crying. If your child was playing and broke a favorite toy, say: “You were upset because you broke the toy. You feel sorry for her. That's why you cried." If the child is happy that he was able to do something, just say: “You drew a good drawing and you are very happy. You are pleased that you were able to draw such a drawing. You're proud." And so on. Voicing emotions and feelings will help your child understand them and better understand himself.
Remember that you are more important
A 4-year-old child doesn’t listen? Your baby's tantrums should not affect you as if you were under his influence. Remember that you are the one raising your child, not him raising you.
If you need to mind your own business, and the child screams and won’t let you go, go and work. The baby, of course, will cry and scream. Unfortunately, this cannot be avoided. But over time, he will understand what is required of him. According to child psychology, the best parent is the one who uses his strength to care for his own baby, and knows how to do it correctly.
Advice from psychologists
Tantrums in children 4–5 years old require correct behavior on the part of parents in response to such whims.
There are several actions that are contraindicated for parents in such situations:
- When hysterical, under no circumstances should the child's wishes be fulfilled. Of course, this action will calm the baby, but soon everything will happen again, but along the well-trodden path.
- You should not argue with your child, much less tease him.
- Do not raise your tone, as this will not calm the baby, but will only increase hysteria and anger.
- Do not punish or reward your child. Try to make your whims go unnoticed.
- Do not take the words of a child in this state too seriously, since during a hysteria he can say anything without thinking about the meaning and consequences of what he said.
- If the attack happened in front of other people, you should not shame him in front of them. The little manipulator realizes that you are inferior to him in front of those around you, and soon hysterics may begin to recur in public places.
- You should not involve the whims of others in the process, then the baby will understand that his tears have no effect on anyone, and the performance will quickly end.
