Our life is full of small and big stresses. When they accumulate, an emotional outburst occurs - this is comparable to an overflowing glass of water. When we ourselves show aggression, we jeopardize relationships with other people, careers, and family happiness. Therefore, you need to learn to recognize the feeling of aggression, be able to understand its cause and fight it. If you have patience and wisdom, you can successfully learn to “quench the flames of anger” within yourself. Let's take note of 8 ways to curb your rage.
Change the angle of view
We often experience irritation while communicating with other people. When an opponent does not accept our point of view, stands his ground and all arguments are over, we feel angry. In reality, we just feel weak and it makes us angry. Look at the problem through the eyes of another person. Forget your arguments. This will help you understand why the conversation is confrontational. And perhaps, instead of an explosion of aggression, you will come to mutual agreement.
Anger. Fear. Resentment. How to learn to manage?
Emotional Intelligence: Founding Fathers
American psychologist and specialist in the field of emotional intelligence Daniel Goleman has identified several components that help us communicate with people and remain ourselves.
“Personal competence is the ability to cope with oneself, to negotiate with the most important person in one’s life.”
Daniel Goleman
Self-awareness
- knowledge of one’s own states, preferences, capabilities. Understanding how I react, the ability to evaluate, predict my own reactions, the ability to reflect. Sometimes correctly asked questions (What exactly am I afraid of? Why does this cause anger?) help to find the answer and understand why we react so strongly to certain events - for what reason, for example, resentment arises.
Self-regulation
— The ability to cope with one’s internal states and impulses.
Often people do not want to do anything to part with negative emotions. But the first step to stop being offended is to stop shifting responsibility for your life to someone else, to understand that I manage my own life independently.
When a person is overwhelmed by emotions, he may misread the states of other people.
Before judging the emotions of another, check in with yourself: most likely, you are the one who is sad or irritated. Another psychologist and specialist in the field of emotions is Paul Ekman. He believes that basic emotions appear due to neural programs embedded in a person from birth, so that most of these emotions are innate. On their basis, complex social structures and phenomena are formed.
Basic emotions:
- Joy
- Astonishment
- Sadness
- Anger
- Disgust
- Contempt
- Fear
Please note: There is no offense intended in this list.
And all because resentment consists of two different emotions. Robert Pluchek and Henry Kellerman created the wheel of emotions and said that emotions can change very quickly. Scientists emphasized that emotions, unlike moods, can replace each other instantly and proceed quite intensely.
Wheel of Emotions
Emotions correlate with character traits. If, say, a person tends to experience more fear, then he is most likely timid. The same feature applies to other emotions:
joy - friendliness
expectation - curiosity state of sadness - depression anger - aggression
Emotions are based on genetics. And for this reason, sometimes it is almost impossible to change something about yourself. What is inherent in the core of character will, in one way or another, accompany a person in the background all his life - this is practically equal to the physiology that is given to us from birth.
Anger. How to cope yourself and help others?
The worst thing you can say to an angry person is “calm down.”
If there is a state of anger and excitement, a person will not be able to instantly switch to calm, he must experience the entire spectrum of emotions. The energy of anger is the energy of movement. If you feel a rush of excitement and anger, change your body position. If you were sitting, stand up, if you were standing, sit down. Reset your energy: exhale deeply, hold your breath, inhale again.
Shake your hands as if shaking something off them. Clench and unclench your fists. Do push-ups against the wall, stand in a plank position if possible. Place a chair in front of you and tell him everything that you would like to say to your offender (child, parent, boss, friend - whoever the conflict occurred with). Crumple and tear a piece of paper or a rag, you can even try to tear a tennis ball. Another good tool is light colored sticks that you use to swim in the pool. Beat them, wave them into space.
To avoid yelling at the offender in a fit of anger, immerse yourself in the sensations of your body. Try to capture how your toes and fingers feel in your shoes. Try making yourself an anchor - some bright object that will stand on the table and into which you can place your aggression and anger. Look at him during a rolling storm of emotions, immerse yourself in this state, and give him everything that you almost blurted out on a real person.
We yell, they yell at us - unfortunately, we don’t experience anything other than a surge of emotions, anger and resentment at this moment. Therefore, learn to direct the conversation in a constructive direction.
If a conflict occurs with a child, in order not to give off too violent an uncontrolled reaction, you can first try to warn the offender, and, if necessary, even raise your voice: “I’m very angry, I’m going to scream now.”
This will help both you and the child. The child will turn on some kind of safety mechanism, and your emotions may recede, because you have already helped yourself with this phrase. Look into the child's eyes, be physically on the same level with him, do not fall on him from above so that he does not experience powerful fear. Later, if you still couldn’t restrain yourself and the emotional wave broke out, warn the teenager - now he has seen what he shouldn’t do: “Those were unnecessary emotions, forgive me, now let’s get back to what I want for you.” say". And just like with parental emotions, sometimes you don't need to try to stop your child's tantrum. Let him shout - he will release anger, resentment, irritation. He can simply shout something like “hey!!!” - if it makes it easier for him, why not. But such practices should not be part of the system. If you are frightened by the frequency of similar reactions, contact a psychologist to have a sufficient number of practices in stock for working with negative emotions.
Resentment. What to do?
Resentment is a reaction of unreacted anger to some words, to injustice.
People can live in resentment for years. But let's see if we can manage resentment. The correct answer is yes, and moreover, only the offended person himself can change the situation. After all, it is he who makes the decision to be offended, not his offender. Sometimes the people we are offended by did not want to offend us at all. Ask yourself a question: what is stopping my offense? Communication with this person with whom I am offended, or maybe something else?
It's a good exercise. Say as you inhale: “I”, and as you exhale: “I forgive...”.
Help your child survive the insult, and in general, do not devalue your children’s feelings. If a teenager is offended, feel it, live this offense with him. Remember: by trying to force him out of some kind of negativity, you are breaking parent-child communication. Instead of preventing your child from experiencing an emotion, join him in the moment, do not protect him from it. In short, show empathy.
Fear. How to survive?
Fear is a reaction to a threat - real or imagined.
But remember that fear and fear can be a completely normal reaction to something new. When a child says “I don’t want to,” it most likely means “I can’t,” or maybe even “I’m afraid.” Fear of communication, fear of not being able to cope with something new, fear that is based on past experience.
Objective fear has a protective function - without it, we would not be afraid to go out the window on the 14th floor and could calmly step into an empty elevator shaft. Subjective fear also protects us from some kind of psychological experience. But in order to curb children's fears, we, as parents, must create as many comfort zones for them as possible: enter these states with them, be afraid with them in order to feel this emotion.
Technique “Cutting fear into pieces”
When we talk about fears, it is important to name what exactly I am afraid of.
If, for example, I am afraid of old age, then I need to understand what exactly scares me about it? Maybe fear of loneliness? Then what can I do right now to avoid being lonely in old age? Start making a plan! What then to do with the fear of uncertainty? The same! Ask yourself what can you do right now? You don’t know what will happen tomorrow and the day after tomorrow, but today is in your power - the moment when you can make a decision.
Do not try to solve in uncertainty problems that relate to the meaning of life. Just write down three things in a notebook that you can solve the next morning.
Another technique for working with fear
- Activate the traumatic event. Describe the situation/problem in as much detail as possible. It could be anger, resentment, fear - anything.
- Consequences. Describe your behavior and emotions that arise and that you want to change: “I feel this way, I do this (yell, get offended, leave...), etc.”
- Search for “bad” thoughts. Describe the thoughts that trigger emotions: “if he doesn’t call, it means he despises or has forgotten, he’ll definitely grow up to be a scoundrel...”. Then write down the desired emotions and behavior: “At this moment, I want to feel this way. I want to do this, etc.”
- Rational beliefs. Describe rationally and logically, without emotions, “refuses - is afraid of this task”
- Take ownership of the new strategy.
Don’t suppress your emotions, give them free rein, but it’s better to use them in some kind of sports activity or creativity, don’t transfer negativity to living beings.
What is anger
Anger is the body’s defensive reaction to danger, an irritant, infringement of boundaries, a violation of internal balance. It is common to all people. Each of us is familiar with anger.
Another question is when anger becomes a character trait and permeates a person’s entire life. Then the individual is always dissatisfied with everything and torments himself and those around him. This situation requires getting rid of chronic anger.
Anger is hormones. And sometimes behavior correction is not enough. So, hormonal levels can always be imbalanced when:
- alcohol abuse;
- passive or overly active lifestyle;
- malnutrition;
- health problems.
To identify and eliminate this cause, it is worth visiting several specialists (psychiatrist, endocrinologist, nutritionist, narcologist). In this article, we assume that your hormonal levels are normal, and we analyze the problem of anger from a psychological perspective.
Why is anger dangerous?
“As a rule, the villain himself suffers from the anger that is aimed at people,” - Ferdowsi.
- Anger destroys not only the individual’s relationship with society, but also the individual himself. This happens first. Both restraining negativity, silencing it, and regularly splashing it out on others have an equally detrimental effect.
- Anger attracts real illnesses (psychosomatics), destroys families, friendships, and work relationships.
- In some cases, anger turns into self-aggression and self-destructive behavior or other deviations.
Looking for a reason
“All anger comes from powerlessness,” Jean-Jacques Rousseau.
- The reason for anger is almost always the same - dissatisfaction. Think about what is bothering you currently. What you want but can't get.
- The second option is that anger masks fear, resentment, pain and personal uncertainty (the best defense is attack).
- Anger is a sign of weakness, instability, intrapersonal conflict, psychological trauma and problems.
Which people are most often self-aggressive?
Of course, emotionally unstable, impulsive people are at risk. They cope worse with outbursts of anger, including those directed at themselves. But not only. Quiet, flexible and disciplined people are often unconsciously self-aggressive. They do not express emotions, they are always tactful and restrained, but their experiences accumulate. And sooner or later they come out in the form of psychosomatic diseases of blood vessels, heart or gastrointestinal tract.
Whether a person engages in self-aggression or not is also influenced by the environment. If it is not customary in the family to express dissatisfaction or discuss relationships at all, negative emotions are more likely to manifest themselves in periodic outbreaks of auto-aggressive behavior.
Managing Anger When Someone Denies Our Values
We are all different, and it is not surprising that our habits, behavior, ideas about “right” and “wrong” differ. Sometimes the differences are so great that they cause anger.
What does it look like in life
Masha loves her job, but does not like her colleague Inna Pavlovna, who catches her in the corridor and begins to talk for a long, long time about what Masha is completely uninterested in: about the dacha, seedlings, grandson Kesha and chickenpox.
Sometimes Masha is ready to flare up: “Inna Pavlovna, why are you pestering me! I also have a lot of problems, I’m not dumping them on you! I value your personal space, so you will learn to value mine!”
But this is a destructive option: at the very least it will ruin the relationship. At the very least, Inna Pavlovna will remember that she is the chief accountant here, and this will not end well for Masha, who occupies a lower position.
What to do
Realize: Inna Pavlovna’s whole fault lies in the fact that she behaves in a way that Masha would never behave. And here there are two options.
Firstly, you can try to persuade the “offender” to change his behavior so that it no longer contradicts Masha’s life principles. This can be done by citing, for example, the abundance of work. “Sorry, Inna Pavlovna, I’m very, very busy right now, the report is on fire!” - and repeat this mantra at every meeting.
Secondly, you can think about your own principles and perhaps reconsider some of them. That's why Masha tries not to tell anyone about her problems? Maybe she is afraid to strain those around her? Or does he consider them petty and of no interest to anyone? But this is a manifestation of complexes! It may well be that her colleagues, if Masha learns to share her experiences with them, will be able to give practical advice. Allowing both others and yourself to talk about what “hurts” is a good solution.
If you place too high demands on yourself, you often get annoyed with those who allow themselves to relax.
Ilse Sand
However, if we are talking about values and ideas, we will have to take a different approach. If, say, you care about the environment, you will probably get angry when you see someone polluting it. And in this case, your indignation will be justified. Standing up for your values will make you feel much better. Well, in order to feel more confident, it makes sense to join an organization in which the value system is similar to yours.
Treatment of patients carried out at the Verimed clinic
Before starting treatment, it is important to understand the cause of the attacks and the severity of the reaction itself. If the manifestation is minor and there are no pathomorphological reasons, the patient may be recommended to study with a psychologist. Treatment of outbursts of aggression characteristic of mental pathologies requires the mandatory use of medications.
For these purposes, specialists at the Verimed clinic use:
- benzodiazepine tranquilizers. This group of sedatives is recommended for neurotic disorders, the usual acute variant of aggressive behavior in sociopsychopaths;
- neuroleptics. Medicines of this class give a pronounced effect in mental pathology of an organic nature. For mental illnesses accompanied by hallucinations, illusions, personality degradation, and inadequate reactions. Most often we are talking about schizophrenia, manic-depressive psychosis, sometimes epilepsy, and severe forms of psychopathy. To treat unmotivated aggression, various forms of drugs can be used - in the form of injections, tablets for oral and sublingual use. Each method has its own advantages. Complicated options require injection treatment. In milder cases, especially when patients are aware of the problem, it is quite enough to get by with pills;
Important: Taking medications must be combined with psychotherapeutic effects, which provide indispensable help in eliminating an acute aggressive attack.
After eliminating the acute form of aggression, it is necessary to construct a plan of treatment measures that will be used for a long time. You should definitely find out what type of treatment is most appropriate in a particular case: outpatient or inpatient. To do this, it is necessary to understand the attitude and self-perception of the patient himself. Does he have an awareness of his painful condition, and does he want to get rid of it himself? If the patient has a positive attitude, the necessary medications can be prescribed to be taken at home. It is better if the use of prescribed medications is additionally monitored by someone close to you.
The most difficult options are forms of treatment for aggression in men. Especially if such attacks are unmotivated. In addition, men are the patients who most often refuse medical care. Therefore, when choosing a therapeutic plan, the doctor must place increased emphasis on psychotherapy and motivation of the patient.
Treatment of aggression in women is most often based on eliminating hormonal problems that cause mental disorders. Aggression in an elderly person in most cases is the result of senile degradation (dementia), based on the development of cerebrovascular insufficiency. “Falling into childhood” with childhood fears, subsequent flattening of emotions, irritability require the use of special drugs that improve cerebral circulation and metabolism of brain cells. Correct and timely administration of the necessary medications for senile aggressiveness allows one to achieve good clinical results.
A separate group consists of patients who combine depression with aggression. They require inpatient monitoring and proper selection of drugs and doses. Psychotherapy plays an important role in the treatment of all types of pathology. All its types are used: rational persuasion, suggestion, hypnosis, treatment in groups.
Symptoms and signs
To understand that a person is showing hidden aggression, it is enough to take a closer look at his behavior, which is observed systematically in practice. Among the main symptoms and signs of suppressed aggression:
- No open conflict
- Hiding sincere feelings
- Ignoring
- Hidden provocation
- Failure to complete a job
- Random insults
- Sullenness
- Stubbornness
- Avoidance
- Touchiness
- Fake forgetfulness
- Causticity, sarcasm, inappropriate humor
A person who demonstrates this behavior is much like a child who is unable to resolve a problem constructively, find a compromise, or give in.
angry girl holds up her hand to stop pretator and end the cycle of abuse
