1. Let your partner “let off steam.” If your partner is irritated and aggressive, you need to help him reduce internal tension. Until this happens, it will be difficult or impossible to come to an agreement with him. During a partner’s “explosion,” you should behave calmly, confidently, but not arrogantly.
It must be remembered that a person in a state of emotional arousal is uncontrollable, and his aggressiveness is explained by an oversaturation of negative emotions. The best technique at such moments is to imagine that there is a shell (aura) around you through which the arrows of aggression do not pass. You are isolated, as if in a protective cocoon. With a little imagination, this technique works.
2. Demand that your partner calmly justify the claims. If you make emotional claims, you can tell him that people tend to confuse facts and emotions, and that you will only take into account facts and objective evidence. You can brush aside emotions with questions: “Does what you say relate to facts or opinion, guess?”, “What you are saying can not be substantiated?” etc.
3. Knock down aggression with unexpected techniques. For example, confidentially ask your conflicting partner for advice. Ask an unexpected question about something unrelated but meaningful to him. Remind you of what connected you in the past and was very pleasant. Give a compliment, express sympathy in something. At the same time, it is important that the compliment or sympathy does not come in the form of irony. The main thing is that your requests, memories, compliments switch the consciousness of the angry partner from negative emotions to positive ones.
4. Do not give your partner negative assessments, but talk about your feelings. Do not say: “You are deceiving me,” it sounds better: “I feel deceived.” Instead of saying, “You are a rude person,” instead, say, “I am very upset by the way you talk to me.”
5. Ask to formulate the desired end result and problem as a chain of obstacles. A problem is something that needs to be solved. Remember that the attitude towards a person is the background or conditions in which it has to be solved. A hostile attitude towards a client or partner can cause you to avoid solving a problem. This is a grave mistake. The reason for it is your emotions. Don't let your emotions control you. Identify the problem with your partner and focus on it.
6. Invite your partner to express his thoughts on resolving the problem and his options for solutions. Don’t look for those to blame or explain the current situation, look for a way out of it. Don't stop with the first acceptable option, but create a range of options from which you can later choose the best one. When looking for solutions, remember to look for mutually acceptable solutions. You and your partner should be mutually satisfied. And you both must become winners, not winner and loser. If you cannot agree on something, then look for an objective measure for agreement (regulations, law, facts, existing regulations, instructions, etc.).
7. In any case, let your partner “save face.” Don't allow yourself to let loose and respond to aggression with aggression. Don't hurt your partner's dignity. He will not forgive this, even if he gives in to pressure. Don't touch his personality. Let us evaluate only his actions and actions. For example, you can say: “You have already failed to fulfill your promise twice,” but you cannot say: “You are an unnecessary person.”
8. Reflect, like an echo, the meaning of his statements and claims. It seems that everything is clear, and yet: “Did I understand you correctly?”, “Did you mean?..”, “Let me retell it to make sure whether I understood you correctly or not” . This tactic eliminates misunderstandings and, in addition, demonstrates attention to the person. And this also reduces aggression.
9. In the “equal” position, stay on the edge of a knife. Most people, when they are shouted at or accused, also shout back or try to give in, remain silent, in order to extinguish the anger of the other. Both of these positions are ineffective. Hold yourself firmly in an attitude of calm confidence. It keeps the partner from aggression and helps both not to “lose their face.”
10. Don't be afraid to apologize if you feel guilty. Firstly, it disarms the partner, and secondly, it earns him respect. After all, only confident and mature individuals are capable of apologizing.
11. There is no need to prove anything. In any conflict situations, no one can ever prove anything to anyone. Proof in a conflict causes a surge of negative emotions that block the ability to understand, take into account the opponent’s position and agree with the “enemy.” The work of thought stops. Therefore, a calm exchange of views on the issue under discussion is needed. Such an exchange must be conducted on equal terms.
12. Be the first to shut up. If it just so happens that you have lost control of yourself and did not notice how you were drawn into an emotional conflict, try to do the only thing - shut up. There is no need to demand that the “enemy” shut up. As a rule, such a requirement is ineffective or completely impossible to fulfill. The easiest way is to do it yourself. Your silence will allow you to get out of the quarrel and stop it. When using this technique, it is important to remember that silence should not be offensive to the partner and should not take the form of mockery, gloating or challenge. Silence should be directed exclusively at the object of the quarrel.
13. Don’t characterize your opponent’s condition. Avoid in every possible way verbally stating your partner’s negative emotional state: “Well, I got into the bottle... Why are you nervous, angry?.. Why are you angry?” Such “calming” words only strengthen and intensify the development of the conflict.
14. When leaving, do not slam the door. A quarrel can be stopped if you calmly and without any words leave the room. But if you slam the door or say something offensive before leaving, you can cause the effect of a terrible, destructive force. There are known tragic cases caused precisely by the offensive word “towards the end.”
15. Speak up when your partner has cooled down. If you are silent, and your partner regards refusal to quarrel as capitulation, it is better not to refute this. Pause until it cools down. The position of the person who refuses to quarrel should completely exclude anything that is offensive or insulting to the partner. The winner is not the one who reserves the last decisive attack, but the one who manages to stop the conflict at the beginning and does not allow it to disperse.
16. Regardless of the outcome of resolving the contradiction, try not to destroy the relationship. Express your respect and affection to your partner and express agreement regarding the difficulties that have arisen. And if you maintain the relationship and allow your interlocutor to “save his face,” then you will not lose him as a partner.
RELATED MATERIALS
Analysis of the situation
First, it is necessary to analyze what happened and understand what reasons could lead to such a development of events. In addition, you must understand the degree of danger that threatens you at the moment.
There is no need to think that what happened was provoked only by the need to prove the truth or by the circumstances that arose at that moment, since the problem could be much deeper. Your opponent could have harbored a grudge against you much earlier or stored his discontent for a long time, which led to quarreling between you. Having understood the causes of the conflict, you can move on to the next step.
Instructions for taking the test
Below you will be given 30 pairs of judgments. You need to choose the one that, in your opinion, most closely matches your usual behavior. You don't need to think about the answers for a long time. There are no right or wrong answers to the test, and the more honest you are with yourself, the more reliable your results will be. It takes 15 to 30 minutes to complete the test. Once the test is completed, you will be able to review the test key and answer interpretation.
Opponent Analysis
When a conflict arises, you must clearly understand what kind of person you are dealing with.
- If he is not confident in himself, then in such a situation he will try to hide as far and better as possible, without denying that he is right and insisting on his principles.
- A confident person will be able to fight back in a verbal duel, since she is not used to retreating, including from a showdown.
- The most difficult situation can be considered an argument with an overly stubborn and narrow-minded person who, due to his position in society, tries by all means to impose his position only because he considers himself the “master of life.”
- It is also necessary to beware of conflicts with people who have mental disabilities or a low level of intelligence. The main reasons why you should not get involved with such individuals are the presence of aggressive behavior and the lack of a reasonable ending. In addition, there is a possibility that the conflict could escalate into a physical clash, in which you could get hurt due to an unshared opinion.
Suppression
This strategy is simply necessary when a conflict threatens to go beyond what is permissible and become destructive, that is, it poses a threat to its participants. Or when the reason for the confrontation is unclear, and therefore continuing it means wasting time. Or when there is a risk of losing a good reputation.
If you decide to suppress a conflict, you need to create conditions so that its parties cannot continue destructive communication, reduce the number of opponents, and propose rules for their interaction. But at the same time, you need to correctly calculate your strengths and be on your guard, because your opponent may be stronger.
Which behavior strategy to choose?
If you have already identified which category your opponent can be classified into, then it is recommended to move on to selecting a behavioral style and understand how to behave in a conflict situation.
Psychologists say that there are five main types of strategies for behavior in conflict. Why do you need to know these strategies? As a rule, a person usually uses one of them - it depends on his character and position in the team. However, it is possible that under certain conditions he may use another strategy. To destroy dynamic stereotypes in this way means to develop as a person.
Avoiding a dispute
Using this strategy can be considered advisable if you do not have time to solve the problem. The showdown should be postponed, since the situation must be more carefully analyzed. It is recommended to use it for controversial issues with management. The choice of this style of behavior is reasonable when:
- you don't see a solution to the problem now}
- During the negotiation process, you begin to doubt that you are right}
- defending your point of view is more important for the interlocutor, not for you}
- there is a lack of time to resolve the conflict}
- it is more expedient to agree with the opponent’s opinion}
- you don't think the subject of disagreement is quite serious}
- dispute may cause more complex problems for you}
- there is a possibility that the situation will worsen due to the openness of discussions.
Rivalry
This strategy involves openly defending your position. It is applicable in situations where solving a problem is important for both parties to the conflict. The possibility of losing the dispute cannot be ruled out. The selection of this style of behavior should be determined by the following circumstances:
- high importance of solving the problem specifically for you}
- you have no other choice}
- public discussion when the opinions of others are not indifferent to you}
- you have great power or authority over the person and are confident in the outcome of the dispute}
- you represent authority for your opponent}
- a quick solution to the problem is needed.
Cooperation
This style of behavior is characterized by a long process of resolving the situation that has arisen, the outcome of which should lead to the satisfaction of both parties. In this case, the participation of all disputants and strict consideration of their interests is necessary. This strategy can be used when:
- desire to remain on good terms with your opponent, since he is a close person, friend or colleague to you}
- equality of the parties}
- sufficient time to resolve the conflict}
- the need to find a mutually beneficial solution to the issue.
This is the most constructive way out of the conflict. As a result, a new product, a new idea, a new team appears.
Device
Often people are faced with situations when they simply need to make concessions to their interlocutor. Psychologists call this behavior in conflicts adaptation. To prevent the dispute from becoming more serious, you should accept your opponent’s opinion, at least outwardly.
This strategy is best chosen when the issue is not fundamental to you. This may be a conflict with management in which it is simply vital to give in, unless, of course, you want to worsen your situation. By using this approach, you will not only maintain a good relationship with the person, but you will also be able to gain a significant amount of time in accepting a common position.
Compromise
Here you can defend your point of view on the problem, which is a positive thing. But you will also have to accept the other side's opinion, albeit partially. This strategy allows you to avoid serious development of the conflict and make a decision that satisfies not only you, but also your interlocutor.
This method of behavior is advisable to use when both parties are equal disputants and put forward equally reasonable arguments in their favor. If changing your opinion to suit your opponent's needs is not such a serious problem, then this method is ideal. The compromise obtained during the discussion will give you the opportunity to get at least part of what you want, as well as maintain friendly relations with your opponent.
Compromise
To give in on one thing, but to get your way in another - that’s what it means to come to a compromise. And this is a wise strategy, because partial satisfaction of the interests of all parties to the conflict is always better than confrontation. Those inclined to compromise believe that the positions of all parties are equal, look for ways to resolve the conflict that are acceptable to all participants, and sometimes resort to manipulation, wanting to arouse trust and sympathy in the opponent.
According to Kenneth Thomas, this strategy, although it presupposes compliance with the interests of all parties, is only partly good - as an intermediate one that precedes finding a truly optimal solution to the problem.
The second stage of resolving the controversial issue
This stage involves resolving a conflict situation. This must be done in accordance with the style of behavior you have chosen. In this case, you and your opponent will need to set your own limits, which each party will have to accept. At this stage, you will have to very quickly rebuild your judgment and maneuver the situation quite skillfully.
There are a number of rules that are recommended to be followed during the discussion:
- Don't close yourself off from your interlocutor. The “hands on chest” pose is inappropriate here.
- There is no need to look closely at your opponent, as this can lead to aggression on his part.
- In no case do not answer in the same tone if it is harsh, since subsequently you will not be able to hear the interlocutor, and he will not be able to hear you.
- You cannot immediately give a negative assessment to the opinion of the other side.
- Don't interrupt. Make it clear in every possible way that you are listening and understanding what is being said to you, and be lenient with your opponent.
- Accept the person for who they are and do not take profanity or other profane language coming out of their mouth personally. This will avoid personality clashes.
- Exercise constant control over your actions, emotions, speech and facial expressions. If you behave calmly, passions can subside significantly.
- It is recommended to show your opponent your feelings about his position, rather than immediately presenting him with an assessment of his opinion. This behavior will lead to more reasoned and detailed answers from the interlocutor. You absolutely need to clearly understand what the other party to the conflict means.
- Do not use filler words in your speech; use only clear verbal expressions for your interlocutor, which he can easily understand. Do not under any circumstances show your intellectual advantage over him.
- It is necessary to periodically distract the other side from the dispute, even for a short time. These methods can be considered the need to make an important call, a request to the interlocutor to move him to another place in the room, as well as anything else that you consider appropriate in such a situation.
Calmness and balance are your allies
Among other things, you should wait a little time with your response to your opponent’s opinion. All his demands or phrases should be ignored, and periodic pauses should be made in the conversation.
It is not at all necessary to immediately answer all the questions of the disputant - it is best to distract him from this through other questions that do not correspond to the given topic. This will allow you to more carefully consider the style of your behavior to resolve conflict.
When the other side calms down a little and stops arguing its position, you are advised to evaluate its opinion, but in such a way that it understands its importance too. Here you can suggest making some adjustments to the interlocutor’s idea, which will help in solving the problem. Fulfilling this requirement in any situation leaves the most negatively minded opponent unarmed.
Tools to help you analyze conflict
ABC
A tool that helps you see the situation from the perspective of different participants, determine their real needs and find common ground for further work on the conflict.
How does it work?
Draw triangles for each of the participants in the process.
Label the angles of the triangle with letters: A (attitude) B (behavior) and C (context).
Write down information about the parties to the conflict in each corner of the triangle.
In the process of analyzing a conflict situation, you will be able to formulate the real needs of each participant. Write them down in the center of the triangle.
You can then compare the needs of the parties to the conflict and find common ground that will help resolve the problem.
"Tree"
The tool is suitable for resolving conflict situations in a team, allows you to “dig” deeper, find the true reasons for the occurrence and recurrence of certain problems.
How does it work?
Draw a tree with roots, trunk and branches on a flipchart.
Give participants stickers of different colors, agreeing which ones will represent the root, trunk and branches.
Ask them to write their thoughts about the conflict on stickers and stick them on the tree: on the root - about the hidden problem, on the trunk - about the visible problem, on the branches - about the consequences of the conflict.
Analyze your tree all together and try to understand what is wrong and how to solve the problem.
It's actually not that easy to control yourself during a conflict.
Being opposite someone who is aggressive, angry, or simply showing their bad mood.
When faced with a threat, people naturally respond with a fight-or-flight response. In such a situation, the level of hormones increases, increasing its activity. This is not the most necessary reaction in modern life, but it is something we must learn to cope with.
You can learn the skill of staying calm and dealing with disagreements and conflicts in a healthy way. This will make the current circumstances less stressful and will help avoid deterioration of the situation and complete destruction of the relationship.
Advice from psychologists will allow you to remain calm no matter what conflicts you face.
Final Thoughts
In an ideal world, we would resolve all conflict situations in a rational and reasonable manner. However, in reality, we are not always able to behave like intelligent beings.
By doing your best to keep yourself in check, you are more likely to achieve the exact outcome that makes all parties happy.
If you nevertheless give vent to your feelings, simply apologize to your opponent. Then be sure to forgive yourself. We are all human and we cannot behave correctly all the time.
If you are dealing with someone who has become out of control and has become verbally and physically aggressive toward you, end the conversation immediately. Find someone who can support you if you need it.
Take a break
Usually we react to a conflict situation immediately: either with attack or defense. But if we take a short break before this to catch our breath and calm those hormones that fill our body, we will be able to respond more carefully.
Deep breathing stimulates the parasympathetic nervous system, which calms us down.
We can also focus on relaxing any areas of our body that are under stress, such as the shoulders or jaw. This technique will only take a few minutes, but it will allow us to radically change our attitude towards the situation.
After which we will be able to choose the most rational model of behavior, and not behave like a cave dweller!
