What comes easier to you: talking or listening? If you think that the art of speaking is not given to everyone, but everyone knows how to listen, then you are mistaken. In the last century, people assumed that everyone was born with an innate ability to listen. Once you hear, you listen.
But as scientists have found out, this is not the same thing. And problems in interpersonal relationships, contentious conflicts, both between loved ones and colleagues at work, arise due to the inability to listen.
In this article:
The main reason for ineffective communication Types of listening Non-reflective listening and its techniques When non-reflective listening is appropriate and how it differs from reflective listening
The main reason for ineffective communication
Photo by Timur Weber: Pexels
According to Madeline Berkley-Allen, Ph.D., a person spends 45% of their time in a state of “listening.”
Despite having so much time, many of us use it ineffectively and get distracted when we are bored or distracted.
As Eastwood Atwater, a professor of psychology at Montgomery County Community College, said in his book I'm Listening to You, “Listening is a major cause of ineffective communication because it leads to misunderstandings, mistakes, and problems.”
Paraphrase (paraphrase)
To paraphrase means to formulate the same idea differently. In a conversation, paraphrase consists of conveying to the speaker his own message, but in the words of the listener. The purpose of paraphrasing is for the listener to check the accuracy of his own understanding of the message. Paraphrasing, oddly enough, is useful precisely when the interlocutor’s speech seems understandable to us.
You can begin this technique with the following words:
- “As I understand you, you think that...”;
- “As I understand it, you are talking about the fact that...”;
- “In your opinion...”;
- “You can correct me if I’m wrong, but...”;
- “In other words, you think...”;
- "Do I understand correctly?"
When paraphrasing, it is important to select only the essential, main points of the message, otherwise answering instead of clarifying understanding may cause confusion.
Using the paraphrase technique in the counseling process, the psychologist primarily focuses on the meaning and ideas rather than the client's attitudes and feelings. By repeating the rational content of the statement in his own words, the psychologist can check the accuracy of his understanding of the essence of the matter for which the client applied, and better understand what the client wants from the psychologist (what his call is). At the same time, the psychologist encourages the client not only to formulate the problem more clearly, but also to better clarify its meaning himself.
Unlike an “echo,” which does not distort what is heard, a paraphrase initially assumes that the psychologist does not retell a fragment of the monologue, but conveys its meaning in his own words. Of course, in doing so, he may miss the main idea or distort it, but the meaning of paraphrasing is precisely to check whether our understanding of the interlocutor is accurate.
Returning to our example, we can imagine that the psychologist says in response: “Am I understanding correctly that your son refuses to live with you, and you would like to discuss this with a psychologist?” or “You wanted to discuss with me the situation that has developed in your family, but my age bothers you?”
By reformulating it to the client’s approval (“Yes, you understood me correctly...”), the psychologist is convinced of the accuracy of his understanding, and the client feels that he is understood. As a result, his trust in the psychologist grows and he himself partially refutes his assumption that the psychologist is not able to understand him.
If the paraphrase caused the narrator's disapproval (“No, you understood me correctly. My son does not refuse to live with me. He just ran away from home without explaining anything...”), the psychologist discovers that he does not accurately understand the meaning of the message. However, if the psychologist clearly shows that he is trying to understand him, the client, as a rule, approves of this very attempt. He strives to clarify and develop his thought in such a way that it is more understandable to the psychologist, and at the same time, for himself, he clarifies the meaning of what is happening.
Types of hearing
Psychologists have classified hearing into the following types:
- critical;
- reflective;
- unreflective;
- empathic.
Critical listening is used to analyze information in detail when you need to make quick decisions, express your understanding of the problem and discard irrelevant details, for example, when discussing projects in production.
Reflective listening is considered the most promising in establishing interpersonal relationships, forming mutual understanding in communication. The essence of reflective listening is to establish feedback between the speaker and the interlocutor. The listener reacts to what is said, asks clarifying questions, letting the speaker know whether he has been able to comprehend the content of the message.
Non-reflective listening is a technique for maintaining interest and attention without interfering with the other person's speech. Understanding and approval are expressed by the look and posture of the listener.
Empathic listening is based on the ability to sympathize and empathize with the interlocutor. The listener identifies himself with the speaker and experiences the same emotional states.
Active Listening Technique
Reflection (echo)
Reflection is the repetition of words or phrases of the interlocutor. It usually takes the form of verbatim repetition or repetition with minor changes.
The use of this technique is extremely widespread in psychotherapeutic and counseling practice. It is found in the psychological literature under different names and is one of the characteristic features of psychological counseling in the United States. One of the apologists of this technique was Carl Rogers.
In the practice of counseling, not just any phrases are reflected, but statements that, for one reason or another, are significant for the client, accompanied by expressed emotions. It makes sense to use this technique to reflect key phrases on which the client places semantic emphasis. This gives him the opportunity to feel that he is heard, that the psychologist understands him.
If the speaker tries to express things that are not entirely clear to himself and receives a reflection (repetition) of his words, and the listener does not change the structure of the statement in any way, does not introduce additional semantic load from himself into it, then what he was trying to express becomes clearer to the speaker.
From each fragment of the speaker's monologue, the listener selects and repeats what, in his opinion, is the central core of the fragment, its quoting beginning, be it an expressed feeling or some idea. In this case, you can change auxiliary or unimportant words appearing in the statement, but all key words that carry a semantic or emotional load must be repeated exactly. The most important point of adequate reflection is the absence of perceptual distortions that may be introduced by the listener. What should be repeated should be chosen on the basis of the significance of this content for the speaker, and not on the basis of the psychologist’s own views and his assessment of the importance of this or that fragment (including for psychological help).
Reflection should not be used too often, so that your partner does not get the impression that he is being imitated. This technique is most appropriate in situations where the meaning of the interlocutor’s statements is not entirely clear or where his statements carry an emotional charge. Sometimes mirroring the last words of a partner's phrase is used during long pauses as an invitation to continue the story.
Non-reflective listening and its techniques
The essence of unreflective listening is this:
- effectively perceive information without expressing your emotions;
- establishing eye contact to demonstrate an encouraging attitude that promotes continued communication;
- lack of direct interference in the speaker's speech.
From the point of view of Madeline Berkeley-Allen, the listening process described in the book: “The Forgotten Art of Listening” consists of three levels, characterized by certain patterns of behavior of listeners.
At the first level, the listener is extremely attentive to the interlocutor, focused, concentrated, listening to every word, ignoring his own thoughts and feelings. “Listening-empathy” occurs.
For the second level, the emotional component does not exist; the listener tries to understand the essence of the speech logically, without understanding the depth of what was said. He hears the speaker, but does not listen.
At the third level, the listener is focused on himself, on his thoughts. He listens, but does not delve into it, often loses the thread of the story, and later makes it up.
The main task of non-reflective listening is concentration, as a means of perceiving the speech of the interlocutor. It requires the ability to withstand the speaker's pauses without interrupting him and giving him the opportunity to continue the development of his story.
Non-reflective listening is carried out using the following techniques:
- Looks and facial expressions.
An interested, open look inspires the interlocutor, visual contact arises between the speaker and the listener, inspiring the first to continue speaking, and the second to listen carefully. With the help of facial expressions, you can convey to your interlocutor that we are pleased with his presence.
- Postures and gestures.
An overly relaxed posture or arms crossed over the chest can indicate disdain for the speaker. An open posture, a straight, relaxed back, and hands resting loosely on the knees signal to the interlocutor that he can count on understanding.
Misunderstanding
The first technique aimed at improving mutual understanding looks paradoxical at first glance: it is a demonstration of misunderstanding. It can be helpful to simply state, “I don’t understand what you mean.” At the same time, it is important that the listener be willing to wait for a more accurate transmission of the entire message, maintaining “neutrality” and not expressing irritation or displeasure.
When, while listening to our interlocutor, we do not understand him well, we can honestly and directly say so. The principle that guides the use of this technique is simple: if you don’t understand something, say so. Many people are embarrassed to say that they do not understand something. Often the source of such fears is memories of studying at school. If adults teaching a child are guided by the principle: “A smart person understands everything the first time!”, then his Childhood ego state may decide: “If I don’t understand something, then I’m bad.” An adult living with such a Childish decision will most likely try to hide from others that he does not understand something. He will think things through, pretend to be smart, nod thoughtfully, and thereby mislead his interlocutor. Although, if the interlocutor is interested in being understood, he, faced with misunderstanding, would most likely make an effort to be understood correctly.
If we return to the example given above, the psychologist, for example, could say: “I still really don’t understand what happened to you. But I would like to understand you. Maybe tell me more details?..”
Summary
Summarizing is a reformulation technique that is used to summarize not a single phrase, but a significant part of a story or an entire conversation as a whole. The basic rule for formulating a resume is that it should be extremely simple and understandable.
This technique is quite applicable in long conversations, where it helps to organize fragments of conversation into a semantic unity. It gives the listener confidence in accurately perceiving the speaker's message and at the same time helps the speaker understand how well he managed to convey his thoughts.
For example, introductory phrases could be:
- “I listened to you carefully. Let me check if I understood you correctly...” (or: “This is how I understood what happened to you...”);
- “If I now summarize what you said, then...”;
- “From your story I drew the following conclusions...”
Next, in literally two or three phrases, you retell to your partner what he told you for five to ten minutes. At the same time, you note the key moments of its history, but select the most concise form for this. If the client in our example had immediately chosen the second, more complete option for presenting his problem, the summary of this story might have looked something like this: “This is what I understood from your story. After yesterday's quarrel, your son did not spend the night at home. You are worried about him, and you would like to improve your relationship with him. You would like to discuss with me how to improve the situation and strengthen your relationship in the future. Do I understand you correctly?
Naturally, this is not the only option. The psychologist could focus on the quarrel and its consequences, on the client’s feelings and their dynamics, on accusations and trust... A very important feature of the summary is that the person summarizing with the help of linguistic means can change the emphasis in the client’s story in such a way that its original meaning will change in some way . Moreover, the narrator, inattentively listening to the summary, may agree with it, unintentionally misleading the listener.
For example, a psychologist says: “You can say this: you have a conflict in the family, in which your son, your wife, and relatives are involved. And you wouldn’t want me to take their side...”
Strictly speaking, the client has nothing to object to here. Formally, the meaning of the story is conveyed correctly, and he will have to answer: “Yes.” However, shifted semantic accents can lead the conversation away from a topic that is highly relevant for the client (son) to another topic that is interesting to the psychologist.
To avoid the negative impact of summarizing on the course of the consultation, it is important to remember the guiding principle of its use: the client chooses the topic of conversation; the psychologist only follows him.
Summarizing can also be effective in cases where the client “goes in circles” and returns to what has already been said. This behavior of the narrator is often due to the fact that he fears that he will not be
understood or misunderstood. By formulating an accurate summary, the psychologist shows how he understood the part of the client’s story that he has already heard, and thereby “draws a line.”
In addition to psychological counseling, summarizing is appropriate in situations that arise when discussing disagreements, resolving conflicts, handling complaints, or in situations where it is necessary to solve any problems.
During these types of meetings and negotiations, a lengthy discussion of an issue can become overly complicated or even reach a dead end. Summarizing statements will help those discussing not to waste a lot of time reacting to superficial, distracting remarks from their interlocutors, distracting themselves from discussing the content of the problem itself.
Introduction
The textbook that you are now holding in your hands is addressed to all those whose activities (in the future or present) are related to communication, to all who, by the nature of their occupation, must communicate effectively and competently with people, who strive to improve interpersonal relationships.
The content of the textbook meets the requirements of the State Standard of Vocational Education.
The main goal of the academic discipline that you have to study is the formation of a professional with certain psychological and moral qualities necessary in everyday activities.
The German philologist, philosopher, and linguist Wilhelm Humboldt (1767-1835) noted that there is nothing more interesting for a person than people. We communicate with people every day (at home, at work, in transport, in stores), interact with them and try to draw conclusions about the behavior of others. So, for example, we know how to “read” by external manifestations - facial expressions, voice, and try to determine the emotional state of another person. From early childhood, children behave and talk very differently with their grandmother, father, and mother. They begin to understand early on at what point they can come up with a request (demand), and when they need to remain silent or postpone the request until better times. As you can see, everyday experience tells us different behavioral tactics, and in this sense we can safely call ourselves psychologists.
The ability to distinguish the mood of other people, the characteristics of their character and behavior in communication belongs to the field of everyday psychology. Official science is based on everyday psychology and appeared only in the last quarter of the 19th century (in 1879, the German psychologist W. Wundt founded the first laboratory of experimental psychology in Leipzig).
The word "psychology" comes from the Greek words: psyhe
(soul) and
loqia
(science, understanding) - and means “science of the soul.” Ancient and young, full of secrets and mysteries, it attracts the attention of thinking people.
Currently psychology
is the science of the laws of development and functioning of the psyche as a special form of life activity. Psychology is a branched system of sciences; it has relatively independent sub-branches: developmental psychology, educational, medical, military, social, management psychology and others.
The textbook examines social psychology, which studies patterns of communication, interpersonal cognition, and group behavior, and also reveals the importance of ethics and business culture in establishing contacts. Knowledge of psychology, ethics of communication and culture of behavior is always in demand and practically necessary.
By the beginning of the 21st century, many remarkable discoveries had been made in various fields of science: physics, chemistry, genetics, medicine, but man still remains the most complex and unknown mystery, which means that the saying “another soul is darkness” will remain relevant for a long time. After all, even a person’s self-interest has two sides. On the one hand, he is interested in himself. Remember how in a group photo we look for our face: “How did it turn out?” On the other hand, we don’t always want (we don’t always strive, we are afraid) to get an idea of ourselves, to see the negative sides, to learn the “bitter” truth. We readily notice the shortcomings of another, explain the bad behavior of our partner by his shortcomings and at the same time are reluctant to discuss our own shortcomings, and we explain (justify) unworthy behavior (of course, not characteristic of us) by external circumstances: “that’s how the stars aligned,” “life forced us” … Research conducted by psychologists and sociologists shows that we are more concerned with how to change other people. We look for the reasons for our personal failures and ill-being in other people, in current situations and circumstances, but not in ourselves.
Each person is unique, inimitable. Knowing yourself, managing yourself, feeling the joy of communication, adapting to new conditions, living in harmony with others, and also learning to hear, listen and understand a person - these are the main tasks
discipline being studied. These tasks can be easily solved with proper business relationships.
Business relationship
belong to the type of social relations and are considered as relationships between partners and colleagues that arise in the process of joint activities and in a team. In business relationships, employees should focus on the partner, the consumer, which, in turn, increases interest in professional activities. Business relationships are closely related to communication.
Communication
is a complex process of establishing and developing contacts between people.
The main thing in communication is not memorizing the rules, but mastering the culture of relationships and the culture of speech in order to briefly and accurately, expressively and intelligibly convey your thoughts to your interlocutor. It reveals values such as sensitivity, responsiveness, kindness, empathy and understanding. All these values are inextricably linked with the culture
of behavior, i.e. with such actions and forms of communication of people that are based on morality, aesthetic taste, as well as compliance with certain norms and rules.
Self-test questions
1. Folk sayings, proverbs, fairy tales and myths, parables serve as the sources of psychological theories and branches of psychology.
Give examples of apt proverbs and sayings that reflect knowledge of everyday psychology.
2. Does your behavior change depending on who you communicate with?
3. Do you know how to accept a remark with dignity and respond to it appropriately?
Don’t rush to answer, think about your behavior and try to critically (as if from the outside) evaluate it. The textbook will help you understand the intricacies of interpersonal communication, in which you need not only to know your strengths and weaknesses, but also to learn how to translate weaknesses into strengths.
