How to give a man instructions
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Finding themselves in such a situation, many women turn relationships into a quest, in which their main task is to “drag” the second player, that is, the man, through all levels: first, so that he makes a confession, then so that you move in together, and then for him to put the ring on your finger. And, preferably, on your own too.
For each of these “levels” there are many tricks that help you achieve what you want. For example, start complaining to a man about problems with housing, or show what a good housewife you are, and how it will be more convenient to live together.
Start “dragging” things to him, that is, conquer territory, or simply give him an ultimatum that “either you take me to the registry office, or I take you to the prosecutor,” and so on.
Does it work? Let’s just say that sometimes it “works”, but... There is always this “but”. Why is it dangerous for a woman to push a man to take decisive action and what consequences might this have?
- if you take the initiative and decide everything for him, there is a high probability that the man will hand over the “reins of power” to you. This is fraught with the formation of immaturity and reluctance to make decisions in him.;
- if you manipulate a man, but get your way, he can generally absolve himself of responsibility for this relationship: “yes, I didn’t want to move in together, get married, have children (underline as appropriate), that’s what you wanted”;
- Having realized that he is being pressured and forced into a relationship, forcing him to make a decision, the man, on the contrary, begins to move away and ends the relationship altogether.
Ultimately, none of these options lead to your happiness together. Which one leads?
Take care of him
Persuade him to live together through actions. Make him come to the conclusion that he will be much more comfortable living with you. But don't force yourself on him. Do this easily and naturally. The most important factor here is regularity, since he will understand that he needs your constant presence.
Do you want your loved one to move in with you? Then prepare hearty and appetizing food both at home and for snacks at work. And if you want to move in with him, then you need to help him put things in order in his wardrobe, in the kitchen closet, in the hallway. In a word, take care of him.
What really matters
A relationship is a partnership built on mutual respect, understanding and trust. A couple in a relationship makes decisions together when each is truly ready to take the next step. Forcing another person to do something they are not ready for or do not want is a path that rarely leads to a stronger relationship. You need to learn open dialogue and understanding your man.
Let's look at three situations in which he doesn't take the next step:
- the man does not admit his feelings;
- the man does not offer cohabitation;
- a man does not propose marriage.
A man wants an easy relationship - how to turn it into a serious one?
A man won't confess his feelings to you
Everything is fine with you, you meet, spend time together, but he doesn’t say that he loves you and that he wants to be with you. Why? It is important to think, is he really experiencing these feelings? Perhaps he just feels good with you, but there is no deep love in this.
Instead of doubting, accumulating dissatisfaction and anxiety, in a good, trusting atmosphere, when you are alone with each other, just talk to him. No accusations or demands. Ask him how he feels about you.
Some men are truly in love, but do not confess it with words. Perhaps it was not customary in their family to talk about feelings, but this does not mean that he does not experience them. He just expresses them differently. How can you understand without his words that a man loves you?
- he wants to spend as much time as possible with you;
- he asks about you all the time and listens carefully;
- he rejoices at your messages, calls, meetings;
- he gets excited when communicating and tries to show his best side;
- he introduces you to his friends and relatives;
- having learned that you have a problem, he is ready to help you, even before you ask for it;
- he shows concern for your well-being.
Think about it, is it really important for you to hear a confession from him if he shows you his love with all his actions?
The man does not offer you to live together
If you know for sure that he is in love with you, you feel good together, the reason for this may be his internal unpreparedness for intimacy. Moreover, if a man is used to living alone, he is worried that his usual routine will be disrupted.
Each person has certain psychological boundaries, for some they are wider, for others they are narrower. One person needs to spend several days alone, alone with himself. But for others it will be unbearable. In this case, the man is afraid that living together will lead to the need to dissolve in each other.
In this case, the best thing you can do is show that you also need personal space. If you have your own hobbies, goals, work, activities, if you are not always available for communication, this will relieve his stress, he will understand that you are the same in this regard, then cohabitation will no longer cause him such anxiety.
But if this is not the case, and he is, in principle, not ready to move in together, he is satisfied with everything as it is - this is also his right. And you have the right to decide for yourself whether you are satisfied with “everything as it is” or not. Then you can convey your concerns to the man, realizing that perhaps now this is not the person with whom you can connect your life.
The man doesn't propose
Now, you are already living together, but the marriage proposal has not arrived. It’s important to ask the question: did you understand each other’s values and plans at the initial stage? Have you asked him what he wants from a relationship? Not specifically with you, but in principle. Is it his intention to start a family? Or does he have other priorities now? Did he say how he felt about marriage? To the children? How do you imagine living together? Have you asked him how his parents live? What is their relationship like?
Forcing a man to take this step by “cunning” is not the best strategy. It is much more important to figure out what is happening between you now. What is the problem and what does it indicate?
- a man simply does not dare to take on obligations - you can push him, but at the same time realizing that you will have to “push” the man for the rest of your life;
- a man does not attach importance to marriage - then sincerely tell him about your feelings and how important it is to you. A man who loves and cares about you will definitely take your opinion into account.
What to do? Understand his priorities and values, accept them as they are. Tell me honestly and calmly about your attitude towards marriage and your plans. You need to either find a compromise or make a decision whether to stay in this relationship or not.
But if you are afraid to start this conversation, you are afraid to “scare off” a man, then perhaps it is really too early for you to move to a new stage of the relationship. This requires the ability to accept each other, trust each other and be confident in each other.
Talk about the positive aspects of living together
There should be no pressure or emotions during the conversation. Talk to him calmly and discuss the positive aspects of living together. Tell him that when he moves into your home, he will receive warm and cozy conditions, solve financial problems together, and the like. If he says that the opinion of his family is important, tell him that by this decision he will rise in their eyes.
A loved one enjoys spending a lot of time with friends. Then you will offer to invite friends home and organize interesting parties and events. These are some of the positives you can talk to him about.
It is not necessary for your beloved man to know about the real reasons, since psychologists recommend not using the “I position” in a conversation with him and saying that “I want to meet with you more often.” Talk not about yourself, but about the fact that living together will give him or you a lot of time to spend together.
Don't expect your partner to agree right away. He will want to be left alone to think and come to the right decision. Don't put pressure on him and try not to rush him. He will give a decision no earlier than two weeks.
Develop your living space gradually
Use hints to influence your beloved. So, if you want to live with him, then gradually fill his apartment with yours or common items. Start with interior items. If you buy these things together and he sees them in his house, he will often think about you. After some time, you forget your sweater or pajamas, or some cosmetics. But don’t rush and don’t throw things around, otherwise a backlash will follow.
If you want to live in your home, do the opposite. Make your home a comfortable place for him to feel like it's a place where he's welcome. Invite him to leave the T-shirt in the house. When returning from work, feed him an appetizing and satisfying lunch and do not pester him with reproaches or nagging.
Establish a friendly relationship with his mother
You will need such friendship, since men often do not show, but the opinion of their family is important to them. His parents may approve of you and say that he needs to grow up. After this, he will think about living together.
This method is not quick, because sometimes it is not easy to make friends with the parents of your loved one. You must let his family know that you want to provide supportive care for your partner.
Psychology and the meaning of living together
People have a natural need .
Each of us wants to have a loved one on whom we can rely, with whom it is pleasant to wake up in the morning, and to lead a common life.
The intimate side is one of the important ones, but not as strong as the need for emotional intimacy.
Living together can become a testing stage before marriage, so many couples initially live for some time without formalizing the relationship.
Basic meanings of living together:
- satisfaction of sexual needs;
- achieving material wealth; being alone makes it more difficult to regulate your financial condition;
- social status - you are no longer considered single, and living together for several months or years can be equated to marriage;
- receiving support from a partner.
For a woman, living together can be of greater importance, since she initially strives to create a family , and later to have a child.
A man is not so clearly aimed at a serious relationship , but for him having a permanent partner is no less important.
Living together is a certain level of comfort, however, it is also associated with obligations and changes in the usual rhythm of life.
Disagreements in everyday life
This is one of the common reasons for a man’s reluctance to live together. He has his own daily routine, his own habits, and then a woman he loves, but not yet so dear, will come and turn the house upside down. More precisely, he will make his own order in his own way. And in general, how can you move in together and get along with such a difference in habits:
- She is a lark, he is a night owl. She expects morning coffee in bed, but he doesn’t have his first breakfast until lunchtime. And not at all healthy - a mountain of bachelor dumplings with sour cream and butter.
- He knows that he snores terribly in his sleep, and also throws his arms and legs on the bed. But if they wake him up in the middle of the night and make a remark about it, he definitely won’t tolerate this.
- She is a neat person, and he feels comfortable in a cluttered room. If she buzzes in his ear about the socks standing in the corner, he will be outraged.
- He, on the contrary, is a pedant, she is a so-so housewife. A dirty plate in the sink is a big reason for a scandal on his part.
By the way, choosing a place to live is a very important point. The most difficult thing is to live in a man's territory. Especially if he is a pedant. Even if you are neat and polish his entire apartment until it shines, he will still find something to complain about.
Living on your territory is also not always an option. He may feel uncomfortable under your, albeit not persistent, command - such is the male psychology.
If you're smart enough, you won't throw tantrums about his scattered things. Well, at least teach him how to clean on his own, as they teach in the article What if a man doesn’t want to do anything around the house.
There is no way to live together
Yes, it's all about the housing issue. It seems like there is a desire to share life together, but so far it hasn’t worked out. You can’t visit him - he himself shares tiny square meters of the house with his parents and other household members. And she’s not eager to come to you either - your mother has strict rules, and she calls your lover a beggar because he hasn’t earned anything of his own.
There is an option to rent an apartment, but he doesn’t offer that either. His salary is barely enough for any needs, plus he has developed such a sense of responsibility that he constantly helps his family with finances. Well, it turns out that you fell in love with a guy who makes ends meet, what can you do?
You may also be interested in: What a man should not forgive
Wait a while and be patient
The following factors prevent men from thinking about living together: career, defending a dissertation, buying a home and a car. Therefore, it is better to be patient, since they prefer to do everything in order more than women. It also happens that the beloved man is not yet ready for this life, and does not want to make any promises. Therefore, wait, some time will pass and he will “ripe” for this. The long-awaited turn will come to you.
Live together for a while
Men are conservatives. They are afraid of change and are in no hurry to change anything in their personal lives. Do a “rehearsal” for living together. Accommodation will not make any difference: at your home, at the dacha or in his apartment. At the dacha you will relax and take advantage of the opportunity to be a hostess. It is important to think through the details of your living conditions and plan your free time. Quietly observe him and see what is paramount to him and what is secondary. Focusing on this, it will be easier for you to share chores around the house and live together.
On days of living together, do not make comments about throwing things around and do not influence the habits of your loved one. This will ruin everything. It’s better to avoid this topic with humor or just pack your things. And if this makes you very nervous, think about whether you can move in with him and live with him?
