He LOVED HIS EX-EX and not me – Fact No. 3
While communicating with girls who met on a dating site and quickly entered into a relationship with an unfamiliar man, I noticed a recurring nuance.
After some time, it often turns out that the guy’s relationship just recently ended. And he still has feelings for his previous girlfriend. And I came to the site precisely in order to “heal the wound from parting.” At the same time, the new woman can be sure that the man is with her with all his heart.
But, no, he’s just licking his wounds, distracted, so to speak.
The situation is extremely unpleasant and is fraught with the possibility that if the ex suddenly decides to rehabilitate the relationship. Then he, without hesitation, leaves the new girl for the old one.
Ah, you have already fallen in love. We have already set up plans. And, in their thoughts, they created a family and had children with this man.
He returns to his ex, and you are left with a broken heart and bitter thoughts: “He never loved me. He loved his ex, not me." It’s true, he never loved you.
That is why I always urge women and girls - look at him for at least six months! Take your time to make plans and dream about your wedding! It is likely that the man’s head and heart are still with his ex. Therefore, you can meet, communicate, and slowly find out from him what’s on his mind.
Take your time with plans and conclusions
Our wonderful psychologist M. Litvak has the concept of “production stage of relationships.” According to this concept, the strongest relationships are possible when you have gone through the production stage together.
In other words, we worked together and studied together. It is in this case that you observe a person for a long time, what kind of character he has. Was he in a relationship? And, if so, what happened to his relationship with his ex?
In modern conditions, when the vast majority of people meet not necessarily through the production stage, but through dating sites, it is very important NOT TO HURRY TO CONCLUSIONS! So that there would be no bitter disappointments later “He just didn’t love me. He loves someone else, not me.”
If he never loved you and still loves someone else, and not you, we can only accept this reality and experience it as a loss.
Yes, it's a loss. This is the destruction of illusion, and it hurts. But the faster you realize the truth for yourself - that he loves his ex, and not you, the faster your healing will occur.
Why? Because while we are in illusion and hope, we remain the head in these relationships. Even if you physically left them.
But, as soon as we have accepted the bitter, painful truth for ourselves, from that moment we are able to psychologically get out of these relationships that we don’t need. And we can let the person go. We can forget this man forever.
"You are beautiful"
As a rule, a man who says this phrase really thinks you are beautiful, especially if you have been in a relationship for a long time. If you're new to each other, he's probably trying to warm your heart so he can move on to a more intimate relationship. However, in both cases, you should not look for a catch or hidden meaning. As a rule, a man means exactly what he says. That's why you might want to give him a grateful kiss or even more.
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WHY doesn't he love me?
“Oh, the cry of women of all times: My dear, what have I done to you?” M. Tsvetaeva
Now there will be no test or fortune telling, but a professional psychological answer. Which is dictated by life and my consulting experience.
Nothing, girls. You didn't do anything to him . They don’t like you at all because you:
- Not thin enough/not fat enough
- Not pretty/too pretty
- Too emotional/too unemotional
- Very fast/slow
- Too stupid/smart (scientist)
- Extremely cheerful, energetic/easygoing homebody
- Too sociable/not sociable enough
- And so on, the list goes on.
- But the main idea, I think, is clear.
“I feel bad, he doesn’t love me, there’s something wrong with me...” I remember there was a program on TV a long time ago. It was called Love at first sight. Three guys and three girls, who had not known each other before, each spoke about themselves in turn. Then they retired to a room and there they “voted” for the one they liked. Then, the results were announced.
And, if a guy and a girl mutually chose each other, everyone was happy, since they got a couple. But sometimes a pair was not formed. Because the one who liked one chose the other. And so, everyone chose at random, and there was no match. This is about the fact that “We choose, we are chosen, how often this does not coincide.”
Thus, the answer “why they don’t like us” lies NOT WITH US. And, it is not in your competence. Just as we cannot force someone to love us.
Why? Because a person’s choice is influenced by thousands of factors. All these factors are the result of his many years of life experience and the totality of his unconscious beliefs.
"I don't care"
For many men, this is a universal answer that they use to answer a variety of questions. “What do you want for dinner?” “Should I buy this lace blouse?” "Where are we going tonight?" To all these questions, a woman can hear the same phrase - “I don’t care.” Sometimes a man really doesn't care.
However, this phrase often disguises a completely different thought, which means that it is time to take responsibility and make decisions on your own, without consulting a man.
“WHAT TO DO if he doesn’t love me” is a more important question
“No need, I love him.” What to do?
The most correct thing to do is to quit - knocking on a door that is closed to you.
For what? Waste your time, strength, youth and energy on someone who doesn’t need you. Go where you are loved. There are always people who like us and who are happy to communicate with us. They love us.
Women often tell me, “Yes, there is a fan. But, ugh, I don’t like him.” But this scoundrel who doesn’t need it - I love him.
This is the situation we always observe in the case of a destructive attachment scenario.
This attachment scenario is formed in childhood with close people - mom, dad, siblings (siblings are siblings).
For a variety of reasons, it is written in your (unconscious!) script: you need to love someone who doesn’t love you (or loves you poorly). That is, in childhood, for you, love was glued to suffering.
It could be anything: traumatic situations of rejection, abandonment, rejection, trauma of invisibility, toxicity in family relationships, mental (or physical) abuse, and so on.
But, whatever it is, the result is this: A loved one is the one who hurts me.
If this program is written in your unconscious, then it is in this case that those who love - “ugh”. Oh, give me this “I feel bad, he doesn’t love me - I’ll take it.” Exactly what is needed".
"Can we talk about this later?"
This is another excuse. It means he doesn't really want to talk about it, not now, not later, not ever. He basically puts it off and hopes we'll all forget about it. This will have unpleasant consequences for him, so the woman will return to this conversation again.
If a man offers to discuss an issue that is important to you, he most likely just wants to avoid the conversation, not reschedule it.
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It SEEMS to me that he doesn’t love me - fact No. 1
If a girl says that “I’m not sure he loves me,” then most likely she does.
Why did I classify this as facts? Because we are creatures who read information not only in words.
According to psychological research, only 7% of information is transmitted in words. We receive the remaining 93% through non-verbal communication. These are facial expressions, gestures, various signs from a person, postures, energy.
Therefore, no matter what a man tells you, you perfectly read his real attitude towards you. Especially considering that many girls have an increased level of mental sensitivity and empathy (the ability to feel another).
In addition to the fact that we read a person’s feelings through non-verbal communication, there are also obvious signs by which you can definitely understand that a man does not love you. His behavior, his actions are also facts that, despite your desire for him to love you, speak for themselves.
And looking at these facts, one day you say, “I don’t believe he loves me.” What are these signs? —
SIGNS that a man doesn’t love – Fact No. 2
1.He said he doesn't love me
A man might say this for two reasons.
First , he told the truth so that you would leave him behind and understand everything.
The second is that he manipulates you in this way, trying to break your will, bend you, subjugate you psychologically. That is, in the second case, in such a cruel way he tricks you into the behavior he needs.
Now, be careful. A loving man will never do either the first or the second. After all, “horseradish is not sweeter than radishes.” It makes no difference whether he told you that he doesn’t love you or whether he is harshly manipulating you. Because he doesn’t love – in both cases!
"This is great"
If you've been talking about something for a long time, and a man responds with the phrase “that's cool,” he probably just wasn't listening. Even if you enthusiastically talked about how your day at work went, how you were shortchanged at the checkout at the supermarket, or how you met an interesting man, he will simply answer “that’s cool” to brush you off. It may be better to seek understanding elsewhere, where you are truly valued.
