The lack of feelings for a loving spouse sometimes torments more than the opposite situation... What to do with the problem “I don’t love my loving husband”? The site sympaty.net shares tips!
The question “I don’t love and don’t want a husband, what should I do about this marriage?”
In general, it began to be considered a problem only when people began to create marriages for love. The answer used to be very simple - endure and rejoice, because divorce promised many problems. But modern people may well get a divorce if there are no feelings left for their partner and such family life is burdensome.
Causes
It is important for a man to understand whether there were any prerequisites for this. After analyzing the situation, a representative of the stronger sex will be able to choose the right course of action.
There can be many reasons for a girl’s cooling of feelings, for example:
- Lack of attention. This happens if the relationship continues for a long time. The guy no longer needs to “win” the girl. And he often ignores her needs and desires.
- Lack of emotional intimacy. If the partners’ conversations concern only everyday topics, the couple has stopped discussing plans or ideas, the woman’s feelings may cool down.
- Having a relationship on the side. A girl who does not receive enough love and warmth from her partner often strives to find him in the company of another person.
- Routine. Repeated weekdays and weekends, monotony in entertainment and even food spoil relationships. Moreover, the quality of all this is not important. Even the best dishes and books can become boring over time.
- Lack of support. If a representative of the stronger sex does not help a woman cope with difficulties and is skeptical about her plans, the partner may stop loving him.
- Total control. A man who has protected his chosen one from communicating with friends, who torments the woman with jealousy, and watches her every move, should not be surprised that the relationship will come to naught.
- No compromises. If during disputes each partner insists on his own opinion, even if it is a minor detail, and does not want to give in, the relationship begins to crack.
How to determine that a woman’s feelings have cooled? This can be understood by the presence of signs, which are discussed in the following chapters.
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Maybe we should leave everything as it is?
Let's face it - the situation when you feel that “I don’t love my husband anymore,” but at the same time you are still loved, is not the worst possible. There is no need to run headlong. Especially if there are circumstances that will significantly worsen your life in the event of a divorce - for example, small children who require a lot of attention, lack of your own home and/or income, etc.
But it is very important to listen carefully to yourself and answer the question - how painful and limited will life with an unloved husband seem to you?
There are women for whom passion in marriage is not at all a need, and for them living in such a “economic marriage”, moreover, not without the pleasure of being loved, is quite acceptable. Many of them admit that they never loved their husband, but at the same time they protect their families. If you, in principle, do not strive to be in love, and you are fine as is, then it’s okay, it’s quite possible to live, remaining in your comfort zone.
You may not plan to stay in this marriage for life, but, in the absence of significant discomfort, stay for some period - a couple of months, six months, a year. Perhaps disappeared feelings will arise, or, conversely, there will be arguments in favor of divorce. And this period can be used to resolve material problems that prevent you from leaving immediately.
Clinging to someone you don't love and regretting the past is not an option.
In general, if there are no warning signs or significant emotional discomfort, you can “allow yourself to be loved” and continue to live with your husband.
Indifference
Lack of concern for your partner is another sure sign of a cooling relationship.
A loving woman often calls her chosen one, warns that she will be late at work or will go to meet her friends. A lady who has lost interest in a man will not do this. She will not share her problems with her partner. But he won’t ask him about the situation at work, his health, or offer help around the house.
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“I look at you like in a mirror...”
When your attitude towards a man swings like on a swing, then the structure of your psyche is revealed in this way. The lack of internal balance and harmony leads to the fact that you see extremes in your partner. You either admire him or see him as some kind of flawed and wretched person. You cannot perceive it adequately and as an equal. And this happens because your world is divided by a deep rift.
The man who comes into your life is your mirror, which means that the structure of his psyche also has two poles. He is a success and a loser, worthy and unworthy, great and insignificant. And he, just like you, feels either great and grandiose, or worthless and flawed. Your partner reflects your inability to integrate contradictions and see the integrity of human nature. And all this creates the ground for an emotional swing that either carries you on a wave of happiness and delight, or throws you into a feeling of loneliness and disappointment mixed with despair and sadness.
Apparently, in childhood, your parents or one of them were not stable. The child's psyche remembered how love and relaxation were replaced by pain and disappointment. It is precisely this change of feelings that is recorded in your unconscious. When you get into a relationship, everything repressed comes to you and you simply have to feel and live your record. Therefore, it’s not about the man, but about your programs. It is possible to debunk the scenario only by going into the depth of your feelings. Only through getting to know all your parts will you find stability and harmony.
The pride of a split “I” allows you to see only extremes in a man: sometimes beautiful, sometimes terrible.
But in this method of response, everything is not so simple: behind the changes in a man’s perception lies a subtle mental mechanism - devaluation. That is, a woman, having seen the dignity of a man for a second, immediately, without realizing it, seeks to destroy this impression.
Body language and eye contact characteristics
If a lady looks away when talking to a man, most likely her partner has ceased to arouse her interest. The same applies to situations where a woman often takes closed poses in the presence of her chosen one. And before this behavior was uncharacteristic for her.
And instead of positioning herself as close to her chosen one as possible, the girl tries to move further away from him, as if distancing herself.
Why is she doing this?
When a woman is at the peak of the bliss of a relationship, then involuntarily a program is triggered inside her soul: things cannot be good for long. Happiness and relaxation are replaced by the opposite sensations - pain, betrayal, loneliness, suffering. Devaluation is a mechanism that protects against betrayal.
The woman begins to think: “He’s not that good, and if he leaves me, then there will be nothing to regret.” By devaluing the qualities of a man, we seem to be preparing ourselves for the upcoming separation.
What other reasons are there for depreciation? And what is our idea of ourselves?
If we are stricken with pride, then, of course, we cannot stand those who are better than us in our immediate environment. And if a man is more successful than us, then this can hurt our pride and ambitions. Pride cannot stand it when someone is better.
In addition, we devalue others because we lack the ability to delve into our own depths. As soon as we begin to feel love and tenderness towards a man, an internal executioner awakens within us, who seeks to cut the threads of intimacy. He stands guard over our once wounded feelings. By protecting the little inner child from pain, he destroys all close and deep relationships, because he does not know any other way to protect us from suffering.
Therefore, as soon as you begin to internally sympathize with a man, your defense immediately wakes up. Your executioner guard begins to whisper to you about your partner’s shortcomings. He really wants you to break up with your partner, distance yourself from the relationship, and not be able to trust. After all, he certainly knows what can come out of this venture. And this is pain and suffering.
How should a man behave?
If a representative of the stronger sex is convinced that the lady’s feelings have cooled, you need to talk to her frankly.
This will help get rid of uncertainty. And perhaps it will allow the man to understand that he was wrong.
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After the conversation, you need to realize what the cause of the problem is. In some cases, a girl's love can be returned. But this only applies to those situations where the relationship has not been completely destroyed.
If a woman has decided to leave forever or has someone else, she should not be humiliated. It is better for a man to stop communicating with his ex-girlfriend and delete all contacts. There is no need to follow a girl on social networks or meet her at her house. If the guy behaves calmly and with dignity, there is a chance that the young lady will decide to restore the faded relationship.
Sometimes a girl’s feelings cool down because her chosen one has stopped appreciating her. To correct the situation, a man needs to compliment the lady more often, give flowers and arrange romantic evenings for no reason, and spend time together on his favorite activities and interesting trips. A representative of the stronger sex should pay attention to his appearance. For example, sign up for a gym, devote proper time to personal hygiene, reconsider your clothing style, and hairstyle. Feeling that the guy is ready to change for the sake of his chosen one, she may again begin to show tenderness towards him.
It is important for a man to learn from past mistakes. And try to avoid behavior that caused a cooling of feelings.
Excessive grandeur
Why does the attitude towards a man suddenly become exactly the opposite? Why does the perception of a partner change? What does this mean? Maybe about the fact that you are not a couple and you need to break up? Why do you sometimes feel love and tenderness?
“At such moments I feel good with him and feel like a happy woman. How I would like to experience warmth and love all the time. Always see your man in him..."
Unfortunately, many women constantly doubt themselves when they are in a relationship with a man. Their inner world and attitude towards their partner rocks like a boat on the waves. Admiration is replaced by disdain, idealization by devaluation, love and the desire to be together by the desire to separate.
Why is this happening?
There are actually many reasons. After all, not a single question regarding the psyche can have an exact and unambiguous answer. We are dealing with an irrational world, where it is impossible to derive a formula or algorithm of events, to obtain a clear, unambiguous and accurate answer.
But still, the first reason, in my opinion, is pride.
***
If pride screams, it means love is silent.
Philippe Gerfaut (pseudonym of Madame Dardeni), French writer
***
Pride is the most common mental illness.
It arises in conditions of constant comparisons, from the desire to be the best. Listening to and noticing parental criticism, verbal or otherwise, the child suffers from the thought that he cannot make those closest to him happy. And he experiences it very painfully when his peers turn out to be better than him, and his parents admire others and praise them.
At the same time, feeling its inferiority, the psyche, forced to defend itself from destruction, chooses the path of splitting. Unable to feel “unfinished” and inferior, this part of the soul plunges into the depths of the unconscious, and its place is taken by a compensatory manifestation with directly opposite qualities. Shyness is replaced by bravado and fake courage, uncertainty by false conviction that one is right, inferiority by grandiosity. By creating compensatory qualities, the “I” of the individual is split.
The price of splitting the psyche is the loss of strength and energy, the fragility of one’s own “I”, which manifests itself in wounded pride and vulnerability, in the lack of adequate self-esteem.
Self-esteem in this case is either too low or too high. Extremes appear in character, or rather, the psyche consists entirely of them. There is no balance in the soul, no golden mean of balance.
What not to do?
Even if a woman has announced to her partner that she wants to end the relationship, and the man is overwhelmed with emotions, there is no need to follow their lead. You should not be rude to a lady or show jealousy. Threats and assault are unacceptable.
There is no need to blame your partner for your problems or heal emotional wounds with alcohol. If a man behaves this way, it will further convince the woman that she was right to leave him.
If the girl’s feelings have cooled down, perhaps this is partly the partner’s fault. Before trying to return his beloved, it is important for a man to adequately assess the situation and understand whether this is necessary.
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When should you get a divorce, despite the fact that your husband loves you?
...Or says he loves...
Because love does not always mean care and adequate treatment. Abusers and manipulators of all stripes, alcoholics and drug addicts, lazy people and gigolos, “everyday disabled people” and aggressors - all of them often sincerely love the wives whose lives they make miserable. And even when a woman feels bad and stops feeling love for such a spouse, the marriage is often preserved with all her might, because “but he loves me!”
Free your life and your desires for something new
Therefore, assurances of love from a partner should not remain an argument for maintaining this relationship when, de facto, you feel bad.
If your husband loves you but offends you, leave, his emotions will not fix anything, and may even make the situation worse.
Even if there is no obvious psychological/physical abuse and/or exploitation, if you stopped loving your husband because of a poorly articulated feeling that something went wrong, then something really went wrong. And that means this person is not right for you - even if for some time it didn’t seem so to you. Don’t force yourself to “tolerate and fall in love”: this will not lead to anything good!
How to understand that your loved one has fallen out of love
He spends more time with his friends than with you
Routine, fatigue, relationship problems and quarrels often alienate lovers from each other, and they can spend some time apart. However, if the feelings are really strong, these quarrels are insignificant and the separation is temporary, until all the stupid arguments end.
If your loved one has sharply reduced the time he used to spend with you and significantly increased the time he spent with friends, ignoring your requests and suggestions, ask if anything is bothering him. If he doesn't do it on purpose, he will do everything possible to make you stop feeling the difference again.
If he deliberately reduces the time he spends with you, he will look for excuses and reasons, perhaps not so much in himself as in you. This is a signal that he has significantly cooled off towards you.
He becomes selfish
When a man stops being interested in a relationship, he begins to behave like a real egoist. Moreover, this happens in most cases and quite suddenly. He will no longer be interested in your opinion on many important issues, and he will rely only on his own experience and desires.
He will become selfish in bed. He will not think about how to please you, because his feelings will become more important to him than yours. All that will worry him in life is his friends, work, study, games and much more, and he will pay attention to you last. If you continue to go on dates, he will stop asking for your opinion and will choose the places that he likes. In addition, he will not notice his behavior, even if you directly point it out to him.
Your tenderness irritates him
Tender and sensual conversations, cute nicknames and hugs, even in very small quantities, are an integral part of any loving couple in which there is no place for routine. They usually smooth out and become less noticeable as the couple gets closer to each other and have been together for a long time, but they never completely disappear.
Your loved one’s irritability may also appear if you abuse endearments and cute nicknames, which you should never do. However, if you occasionally allow yourself tenderness, to which he previously reacted positively, and at this stage of the relationship they irritate him, it’s worth thinking about whether everything in your relationship is really as smooth as before.
He doesn't say he loves you anymore
A guy and a girl say this cherished phrase to each other immediately after they realize the reciprocity of their feelings - after all, it is so important that a loved one knows how much it means to you. Since great meaning is invested in it, and it should not be thoughtlessly scattered, it is important in relationships.
If your warm relationship developed a long time ago and is no longer moving forward, the absence of the phrase “I love you,” especially in response to yours, may mean that his feelings for you have long cooled down. If you are sure that the relationship is not just a routine and cannot be revived, the best solution is to end it and start life from scratch.
Sometimes I love it, sometimes I get annoyed...
If you recognize yourself by reading this article, then first of all you need to understand the impact of internal defense on you and your relationships. It is useless to fight the destructive force, especially alone. Just see her. Try to get to know her better, understand her fears and main motives. Stop your destruction.
And in the future, as soon as you catch yourself starting to feel angry and irritated, remember the force that exists inside you and seeks to destroy your relationship. However, as you already understand, it acts solely in your interests, protecting you and your mental comfort.
Realizing that your thoughts about a man have nothing to do with him will help you avoid the destruction of ties. If your thoughts jump from one extreme to another, then you need to remember that it’s not about your partner. Opposites coexist in each of us. It all depends on what you want to see.
