Unhealthy and healthy selfishness. How to tell the difference?

From Aristotle to the present day

The best minds of humanity have discussed egoism since Aristotle. There was no unambiguous view on this issue then, and there is no one now. In Russia, 30-40 years ago, there was an opinion that it was bad to be selfish, and that thinking only about yourself and your needs was shameful and very ugly. General prosperity was supposed to be achieved by putting collective interests above personal ones. At school, children were explained that “I” is the last letter of the alphabet, and parents were encouraged to share toys and treats, even if they really didn’t want to. To endure for the sake of the common good, to give in so as not to spoil relationships, to give up, to bend, to be above it...

As the years passed, yesterday's children grew up, faced with the fact that everything was far from so simple. Political and economic changes in the country have led to the emergence of a completely different philosophy - think exclusively about yourself and fight for your well-being with the whole world, no matter what. Caring for others and sympathy for others is now a sign of weakness and lack of vitality. The ideal to which one was supposed to strive became a selfish and even self-centered view of the world: “Love yourself, don’t give a damn about everyone, and success awaits you in life.”

Perhaps such a philosophy of life has led a number of people to prosperity, however, the coexistence of egocentrics invariably turns into a fighting ring. They constantly find out among themselves “who will win” and whose interests are more important. It is difficult to deny that living next to a complete egoist is difficult and very unpleasant for others. Altruistic people in such a society suffer because their interests are not taken into account and their needs are regularly infringed.

I remember a vivid example of gross, unhealthy selfishness - a friend once told me about the outrageous behavior of her ex-husband. With a wife and young son, he regularly emptied the refrigerator completely, not caring at all whether there was anything left for others. During such raids, he could even eat the last children's cottage cheese obtained from the dairy kitchen. To his wife’s reproaches he answered: “Well, I wanted to,” “Are you sorry?” or “What are you yelling about, you can go and buy it.” Is it worth clarifying that he believed that his wife should run for groceries because he was “very tired after work” and “has the right to relax in his own home.” The last straw came when, on New Year's Eve, the husband secretly ate all the chocolates from the children's gift and left a holiday package full of candy wrappers for the child under the tree.

Living in such an atmosphere is impossible, coexistence becomes destructive, at least for one of the participants, society as a whole turns toxic and unhealthy. And it is precisely such extreme manifestations of selfishness that really need to be fought. First of all, in yourself, developing empathy and compassion through self-reflection and conscious study of the emotional structure of other people. And then with those around you, consciously building healthy boundaries in communication, when interacting with them, stopping attempts to manipulate you, openly declaring your interests and defending your rights.

The theory of “reasonable egoism” in the novel by G. N. Chernyshevsky “What to do?”

According to the classic, an individual is not able to become successful and lucky alone. The grace of both will be conditional on the happiness of other people. Thus, the theory of rational egoism was to exist for the sake of others. The heroes of his work (healthy egoism is their main feature) were united by a common great cause, and therefore their source of happiness will be his common success. The moral principles of the heroes are determined in a common struggle, the desire to satisfy universal interests, which are based on attention and care, the thought of another person.

Chernyshevsky was against egoism. He believed that an egoist was a freak and his life was unenviable. His “reasonable egoists” do not separate their benefit and interests from the happiness of others. Lopukhov, who freed Verochka from himself after learning about her feelings for Kirsanov, will subsequently be proud that he made such a noble gesture.

The heroes go against selfishness, individualism, and self-interest. The author proposes a new doctrine in philosophy - materialism. The focus is on the individual who is guided by calculation to give up a lesser benefit in order to obtain a larger one. Only then will he benefit.

Signs of unhealthy selfishness

You put your needs first, and you don’t care about the needs of those around you.
You are convinced that other people should act solely in your interests, and you do not tolerate refusal.
No compromises, you do not want to negotiate and take circumstances into account.
If your actions cause inconvenience and harm to others, you feel no compassion or remorse. The main thing is that you feel good.
In the team, you are the cat Matroskin, your motto is: “Working together (for my benefit) – it unites.”
In relationships, you are incredibly demanding of your partner, shamelessly use his resources and strive for total control. It is difficult for you to understand another point of view; you never doubt that you are right.

Nowadays, people are increasingly throwing aside limiting attitudes, caring more and more about their interests, listening to their desires and looking less at public opinion. People strive for greater openness and truth, refusing to follow formal rules and play roles established by others. It becomes obvious that both extreme egoism and absolute altruism cannot serve as a universal formula for a happy life for both the individual and society. Mutual assistance and cooperation seem to be a much more promising form of interaction, and the idea that “there can only be one winner” is being replaced by a “win-win” strategy. The concept of “healthy egoism” or rational egoism, which describes the behavior of a person who is in touch with his needs, understands himself well and is attentive to others, is increasingly being used. He proactively creates a harmonious, happy environment around himself for himself and those around him. He does not agree to something that is inappropriate for him, does not allow himself to be used, does not compromise his needs and principles, while not forgetting to take into account the needs and principles of others.

Pasha is an avid tourist; he considers scarves, fishing rods and gatherings around the fire the best way to spend a long-awaited vacation. His fiancee Marina, on the contrary, loves a comfortable beach holiday. When Pavel’s friends invited the couple on a week-long kayaking trip, the girl gently refused. She explained that she could not relax while camping and it was very important for her to be able to take a hot shower while on vacation. The couple calmly discussed the situation and decided to spend one week of vacation separately and the second together. Pasha went on a hike, and Marina flew to the resort.

Extra politeness

Many children were taught as children to apologize for any reason for what they did. Sometimes the object or cause was not worth such humiliation. Now you have grown up, but the habit remains. You still need to apologize if you accidentally step on a passerby's foot on the subway. It's a different matter when it comes to career growth. Everything is different here. A nice girl who is applying for a good job should be pushed aside if she wants to take the place for which you are applying. Gallantry in such matters is inappropriate. The same principle applies in other areas of life.

This is healthy selfishness if...

You put your interests first, but understand that others have the right to do so too.
You make a choice in your favor, but not at the expense of others. You try to take into account the needs of others, are capable of compromise and know how to negotiate.
You are not afraid to defend your point of view and interests, as you are sensitive to ensuring that they are not infringed.
You know how to say “no” to things that don’t suit you, and you calmly respond to rejection from others.
You are not tormented by feelings of guilt when making choices in your favor.
You are difficult to manipulate because you are able to soberly assess the motives of other people.
You are less likely to be a victim of abuse because you value your contribution to the relationship.

This is healthy selfishness; there is no need to fight its manifestations; on the contrary, this kind of behavior must be supported and developed in oneself and in others. Literature on the development of emotional intelligence, exploring your psychological boundaries together with a psychologist or in a psychological group, and courses on non-conflict communication can help you in mastering this skill.

Definition of the concept. Is it so bad to be selfish?

This is the ability to solve problems without infringing on the rights and dignity of other people, without allowing personal values and priorities to be affected.

People with this character trait know their worth, but do not turn up their noses, do not ask for praise and do not strive for quick recognition. Those with unhealthy egoism, on the contrary, demand worship, humiliating other people, and go over their heads.

Healthy egoism is characteristic only of psychologically healthy people. Let's take a look at its benefits. He helps:

direct talents in the right direction;
keep yourself under control;
defend interests and desires;
distinguish lies from truth, deceit from love;
restrain emotions;
achieve goals without wasting yourself;
maintain composure in a critical situation;
to reach the peaks, to achieve feats, fearing nothing.

As you can see, it is characterized only by advantages. The question automatically arises: is healthy egoism useful? Let's talk about it.

Take time for yourself

Think about how you spend your time every day. If you sleep 8 hours every night, that leaves 16 hours of wakefulness.

Find out how many of those hours are spent serving others (working, running errands, attending meetings, driving the kids around) and how many of those hours are spent solely on yourself (reading a book, sleeping, meditating, watching a movie). For most people, the number of hours they spend on themselves is much less than the number they spend on others.

Here's a question to ask yourself: “Am I making a difference when it comes to how I manage my time?” If you spend less than one hour a day satisfying your own selfish needs, desires, interests, then you are changing yourself for others.

If you work, how valuable is the time you spend serving the needs of others? Now ask yourself: “How valuable is the time I spend with and for myself?” Is it worth the same as what you get paid to work for someone else? Costs more? Or does it cost less? Really value it in currency. Your answer shows how much you value yourself.

Characteristics of a selfish person

Selfishness is associated with irresponsibility, deception and indifference. If we look at the problem on a large scale, what can we say about an egoist (except that he achieves his goals to the detriment and detriment of the interests of other people)?

He is loud and confrontational.
He has a poorly developed system of values and principles, conscience, sense of duty and self-esteem.
He is a frivolous and often lazy, careless person who ignores rules and responsibilities.
He will not intervene in a fight or conflict that he witnesses (even if children are fighting or animals are being hurt).
He will not be embarrassed by the unkempt appearance of his interlocutor; he may not even notice it.
He will not be embarrassed by the mess in the room (he is used to the mess, because it is inside him).
He ignores any advice, including truly useful and friendly ones.
He ignores demands.
It is difficult for him to engage in activities that require conscientiousness, responsibility, and honed skills and abilities. He doesn't like this job.
He does not know how to empathize and is not distinguished by empathy.
He does not know how to communicate and rationally resolve conflicts.