Spent my entire salary on a trampoline and sweets: how to get rid of immaturity

Of course I have my own opinion!
Maam, what is it like? Ordinary infantile

Sometimes it seems that the modern world is stuck in childhood and growing up slower than before. Previously, children ran around in the yard unattended until nightfall, but now students cannot even get a job themselves - their mothers literally lead them by the hand to interviews.

Our feeling is generally correct - culture, living conditions, and attitudes towards growing up are changing. The upper limit of adolescence is shifting from 16 years to 18, or even 21 years. Higher education gives young people a reprieve not only from the army, but also from adult life. This is not to say that this is definitely bad. The child has time to grow up calmly, decide on goals, gain a bunch of useful skills, and enters the adult world prepared. But some people don't even grow up until they're 30 or 40 years old. Already an adult can behave like a teenager or a schoolboy. This childish behavior - infantilism - seriously interferes in life, work, society and in many other areas.

We motivate you to live and develop!

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In today's article you will learn what infantilism is and where it comes from. Learn to distinguish a truly childish adult from a person who just likes to fool around, and you can test yourself for a tendency towards childish behavior. And, of course, you will learn how to become an adult and responsible.

Infantility - what is it?

Infantility, or infantilism, is immaturity in development, which is accompanied by the retention of childish mental traits and behavior in an adult. It is important to distinguish the meaning of the term “infantilism” in medicine and psychology. In medicine, this term usually covers a delay in physical or mental development. Psychological infantiles, as a rule, are physically developed and have no problems with communication or learning new things. They just don't know how to live like adults.

Here and below are examples from the forums.

“I grew up with my grandparents, my parents worked constantly. My grandfathers were so protective, they literally told me: “Vova, now you want to eat, sit down at the table. And now you want to play with cars.” I didn’t go to the garden, I didn’t play with the children on the street - they bullied me. School was a blow - everyone was friends, their own company, and I sat in the corner and chewed snot. I still chew it to this day. No family, no friends, no good job, I don’t understand what to do next.”

— Ilya, 27 years old

In this case, infantilism is the result of excessive guardianship. The child is used to having everything decided for him, he does not know how to plan and make decisions - he was simply not given the opportunity to learn.

Children's behavior becomes a habit, inconvenient and bad, but quite amenable to change. In this case, the child's relatives did not give him the opportunity to develop communication skills, which is why it is so difficult for him to function in adulthood.

What other reasons can lead to learned infantile behavior?

Develop financial literacy

When earning money, it is very important to learn how to manage it. Infantilism often does not allow this skill to develop. After all, why should a child manage money, save money or count expenses when there are parents?

If an infantile person receives money, he will spend it without thinking. Therefore, it is difficult to save up and create a secure financial position.

To get started, use special programs for smartphones where you can record your income and expenses. Based on the data you entered, the application will build a diagram that clearly shows where the funds go. When you see that most of your income is spent on non-essential things, you will realize that you need to manage your money differently, and you will be able to save somewhere to make a more serious purchase.

Causes of infantilism

Overprotectiveness

Children are born helpless and completely dependent on their parents. Normally, as the child grows older, he gradually separates and learns to be independent. Walking, eating, dressing, putting away toys, packing a school bag, planning time for lessons, etc. If parents interfere with a child in this process - they decide for him when he is cold, what clothes to choose, protect him from natural consequences * - then the child simply will not gain the skills of choice and planning, and will not learn to take responsibility for his actions. Of course, this is often just a sign of caring, but it can prevent the child from growing up.

Note. *Natural consequences are what help an adult regulate his behavior. For example, an adult knows that if he throws a phone at the wall out of anger, he will break it. A broken phone and extra expenses in this case are natural consequences. If a child is constantly protected from such natural consequences (for example, they make crafts at night because the child forgot to write down the task in his diary), then the child will not learn to regulate his behavior. He will not understand what this or that action may lead to.

Important! Natural consequences must be age-appropriate and safe for life and health.

Despotism in education

Has a similar effect. Parents decide for the child what to think, feel and do; this deprives him of the opportunity to learn to act independently.

Pedagogical neglect

Oddly enough, the complete freedom of action given to a child can also lead to the person not growing up. Normally, the skill of independence develops gradually as the brain grows and matures. Therefore, the burden of responsibility may turn out to be unbearable, and the grown-up child will try to throw it off at the first opportunity.

Note. In early childhood it is premature to talk about infantility. All children have poor control over their emotions and actions, do not know how to look far ahead, etc. Infantility can only be suspected from adolescence.

Diffidence

A person who does not believe in his own strength will refuse to make decisions, refuse responsibility for his actions, and refuse to take any action. Why try if it doesn't work anyway?

Infantilism as a symptom of disease

Separately, it is worth talking about infantility as a symptom of various diseases and physiological pathologies. For example, iron deficiency can affect general well-being, a person becomes lethargic, feels constant weakness, which is why he refuses to make decisions, etc. Infantility can also accompany anxiety and depressive disorders. In these cases, a person is simply unable to do anything, either due to fear and anxiety, or due to a lack of vitality. Please take care of yourself and watch out for these diseases.

We have listed only the main, most obvious reasons. In fact, there may be more of them and they are not always obvious. Therefore, working with manifestations rather than searching for causes will bring greater results. So what distinguishes an adult from a psychological child? By what signs can we understand that a person has not yet matured?

Where does infantilism come from?

It is assumed that psychological immaturity can be caused by one of three factors: Immature Personality Disorder: Contribution to the Definition of this Personality (or a combination of them).

• Individual neurobiological characteristics. A person is born “forever young”; his “childhood” is determined by the structure of the brain.
• Traumatic brain injury. Such damage disrupts the activity of the central nervous system. If the trauma was received in childhood or adolescence, it can stop psycho-emotional development - the person will forever remain a “child”.
• Experience gained in childhood. Infantilism often affects those who were overprotected by their parents. Or the other extreme: abandoned children who are either tired of the overwhelming responsibility in their early years and now seek to shift it to someone else, or are so sad without the figure of a loving father or mother that they assign others to this role.

Signs of infantility

To understand the difference between an adult, independent person, and an infantile, it is enough to remember how children behave.

But if such behavior is excusable for children - they are in the process of developing and growing up - then the same behavior in adults may look somewhat inappropriate. It is worth considering that psychological infantilism is spoken of in different situations, so different people, including specialists, give it different meanings.

This is what people who don’t feel like adults say about themselves:

“I don’t want anything, I’m still lazy. I would like someone to come and do everything for me. I'm looking for a mommy who will serve me, I'm looking for an older comrade who will decide everything for me. I'm like a child in an adult's body. I want to relax in the Maldives, but I vacation there only in my dreams.”

— Leonid, 32 years old

“Mom kept us alone all my life, and I tried to take care of myself and worked small jobs. Now I’m 21, I’ve finished my 3rd year, and summer is ahead. Money has become tight, and over the summer we need to raise a large sum. And I have no idea what to do or where to work. I'M AFRAID! I've been trying for 2 weeks now, time is running out. I went for an interview, but I was so scared that I ran away. Tomorrow I’ll go to another office, but I’m scared! And I’m also ashamed of myself, my mother pulled us along, but I turned out so wrong, I’m not ready for adult life, I can’t cope. I can’t sleep normally, I can’t live either, I don’t know whether I’ll run away tomorrow or something will happen.”

— Olga, 21 years old

Read also:  Processes of human interaction: concept, forms, levels

Characteristic manifestations

It is noteworthy that behavioral infantilism will never be the only manifestation in personality characteristics. A person can be a highly qualified specialist in his field, successfully run a business, and even effectively lead a team at work, showing leadership qualities. However, as soon as you cross the threshold of a house, the person is no longer recognizable: within his own walls, he begins to behave like a child to whom everyone “owes.”

Manifestations in men

• Frequent betrayals.
• Compliance in relation to the spouse, statement.
• Reluctance to contribute to the family budget.
• Tendency to gambling and participation in financial pyramids.
• Detachment from family life.
• The talent for blaming other people for your failures.
• Reluctance to find compromises.
• Lack of desire for a serious, long-term relationship.
• The slightest difficulties cause attacks of anger.

Manifestations in women

• Lack of punctuality, regular failure to keep promises.
• Resentment towards one's own minor children.
• Demonstrative behavior, hysteria, whims.
• Acute perception of criticism addressed to you.
• Zealous attitude towards personal boundaries.
• An obsessive desire to control everything and everyone, to be the cause of events happening around.
• The desire to “get married successfully.”

In fact, all of the above signs of infantility can equally be attributed to both women and men. Lack of independence, pronounced egocentrism, complete inability to self-analysis, irresponsibility, demonstrative hysterics, constant self-justification and lack of willpower are characteristic manifestations of infantilism.

Features of female and male infantility

Most of the symptoms are common to both men and women. However, there are some features that are important to highlight.

Infantility in men

• This problem often manifests itself in everyday life. The expression “a man is like a second child” often evokes agreement and approval among women. Boys may not be taught to do housework during their upbringing, for example, they are told: “Don’t wash the dishes, that’s not a man’s job” [1]. As a result, men expect someone to cook food for them, clean up after them, wash and iron their things, and so on.
• At the same time, boys can be taught that they must be responsible not only for themselves, but also for their family (wife and children). As a result, boys run away from this responsibility - they refuse to have a serious relationship or get married - because the burden seems unbearable to them.

“Well, why do I need a wife? Buy her fur coats and trinkets and suffer brain damage due to a burnt-out light bulb. I met my mistress once a week on her territory, even if she has a headache, what to feed me. And I don’t litter at home, the washing machine washes things at my mother’s house, and it’s not difficult to rinse a coffee mug.”

— Peter, 38 years old

Infantility in women

• In the case of women, this condition is less condemned by society. This is due to the fact that only a man is considered the head of the family, that is, the person who makes the main decisions. Women are less often expected to have strength of character and independence outside the family. Some girls are taught to shift responsibility for themselves to others: first to their dad, then to their husband. [1] As a result, the girl may not decide anything, but only “want a dress.”
• Women, especially those who have been “pulling” the whole family on themselves for a long time (for example, if the ex-husband does not participate in raising children), get tired of excessive responsibility and, when the opportunity arises, they strive to shift responsibility to others.

“Any stupid person can get an education, at least two or three. Earning money for tights is also not a problem. But to be a real woman... To do this, you need to grow, through pain and suffering. Learn to ask your husband to buy everything himself, agree with him in everything, be submissive and do as he decides. The man is in charge, let him think about how to earn money, and our task is to decorate the house with ourselves.”

— Elena, 29 years old

We deliberately took vivid examples, but infantilism may not be so obvious. For example, a person earns money and provides for himself, but at the same time demands that those around him fulfill his desires and believes that everyone is obliged to help him, and is too naive about everyday life and his tasks.

To understand where you need to “pull up” your adulthood, it is better to undergo a full-fledged psychological test. But first, you can take our short test and decide whether you need to change anything in this direction.

Is it possible to help your child?

Unlike at a more mature age, a child can be painlessly “cured” of immaturity. The most important thing is to do this without missing out on the period of personality formation, that is, until approximately 16-18 years of age.

How to save a child from immaturity

• Do not take out your irritation, bad mood and unresolved problems on your children.
• Clearly differentiate between good advice and imposing your own opinion.
• Do not invest all your strength, money and soul into your child. In other words, don't sacrifice yourself. Your own life is no less important, and children need to see that!
• Allow the child to cope with difficulties on his own and take responsibility.
• Teach your children to accept criticism adequately. Don't overdo it with excessive praise and affection!
• Do not reduce education to command and submission. If you feel the need for this, get a dog and train it.
• Understand that a growing person already has his own opinion, desires and preferences. Do not strive to achieve through your children what you yourself could not achieve.
• Talk to your child often. Problems that now, from the height of your experience, seem insignificant, are perceived more acutely by a small person. Conversations help you learn to correctly understand yourself and your feelings in order to subsequently manage them competently.

Test for infantility

To determine if you have a problem, read the statements and answer yes or no:

1. I don't have enough experience to make decisions myself.
2. I often do rash things.
3. People often don't like what I say.
4. My actions often go beyond generally accepted norms of behavior.
5. I don't have any special goals in life.
6. I find it difficult to cope with many things in life.
7. I do not consider it necessary to analyze the reasons for my actions.

If you answered “yes” to 3 or more statements, you probably have some immaturity. We recommend paying attention to developing your self-sufficiency.

Does an adult need someone's help?

Independent struggle with infantilism is a complex and often very painful process that requires deep introspection and building a clear step-by-step plan.

If you notice signs of immaturity in a loved one, it is undoubtedly worth talking to him about it. Focus on the negative consequences and find out if he is ready to adjust his behavior. If the answer is positive, you may have to feel like a psychologist, asking about possible reasons, but the person will make decisions about further actions on his own. Contacting a qualified specialist in psychology and family relations is also not prohibited.

How to get rid of immaturity

As we have already found out, infantilism is the result of habit, or rather, the lack thereof. For example, if we have experience in overcoming life's difficulties, it will be easier for us to cope with them in the future. We will know that the task is feasible and there is no point in avoiding it. If we have no experience in overcoming life’s difficulties, then any problem will seem more difficult to us than it actually is. The same goes for decision making, cost control, etc. These are all skills.

And to behave like an adult, we need to master the skills of an adult and think like an adult. To do this, first of all, we need to find weak points, that is, situations in which we behave childishly.

Some of the most evidence-based areas are cognitive-behavioral and behavioral therapies. Behavior modeling, or teaching desired strategies, is one of the simplest and most accessible methods of treating infantility. The 7Spsy behavior modification course will help you grow up and get rid of immaturity. This method is also suitable for you if you are embarrassed to communicate with a psychologist on personal topics, but at the same time want to become more self-sufficient and self-confident. After you pass the tests, psychologists will select constructive behavioral strategies for you and help you consolidate them.

We motivate you to live and develop!

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You can try to independently identify situations that stimulate lack of independence and change your usual behavior, or seek help from specialists. And whatever method you choose, remember - you can control your behavior.

Sources:

1. Yu. Guseva, “Gentle boys, strong girls.”
2. Materials from Virginia Quinn's book “Applied Psychology” were used.

Get busy with work

Being active helps you become more mature. Not a single infantile person would agree to boring, routine work. He will ignore it or shift it to others. To stop being childish, you need to change your behavior pattern.

Any work with your hands will help you cope with internal chaos and even fears. You may have noticed that after cleaning your house, your soul feels better. Take responsibility for some household chores.

Infantility forces you to look for excuses. A person says: “I would work if…” and for a long time cannot find his calling and achieve normal earnings. In fact, he is just looking for clues to avoid working. Therefore, you can stop being childish only when you find something you love and do it conscientiously.

But work is a contact with reality, from which an infantile person runs. Therefore, it is important to understand that where there is work, difficulties and discomfort are inevitable. In difficult moments, you need to praise yourself for not lying on the couch, dreaming of the impossible, but taking real actions to make your life better.

To get more pleasure from the process, you need to find your purpose and develop in the area where you are strong.