In one episode of the cult relationship series Sex and the City, Carrie Bradshaw is unexpectedly dumped by one of her many men. No explanation, just a yellow apology sticker. Even if you haven’t watched this series and are hearing about Carrie for the first time, this story has an important message: leaving without explanation is bad (poems by Brodsky or Akhmatova on a sticker still don’t count).
Yes, sometimes ending a relationship is simply necessary, for both parties. This will not only help the one who decided to leave, but will also give the other person a chance to free himself from one-sided affection in time and meet his true love.
Don't delay: better now than later
The ideal moment for a breakup will not come, so don’t get your hopes up. There is never a right time for anything in life. If everything is really bad, the rule works: “The sooner, the better.”
Give your partner the opportunity to meet a person who will truly love him.
Just let's be honest: don't drag your feet. At stake are the chances of not becoming that “goat who spent years as a sailor but never got married.” So don't let us down.
Where to start breaking up?
Regardless of the reasons for the separation, one of the partners must initiate a “serious conversation” that will show the prospects and results of the relationship. This is preceded by large-scale internal preparation, because until the last moment there is a chance for a revival of feelings and mutual attraction.
Before starting a breakup and a summary conversation, you must specifically understand what each person’s communicative and psychological goals are. You can communicate or block calls and correspondence, you can answer politely or create scandals. But it’s better to have a sincere date to sort out all the differences and come to a common denominator.
What not to do
A story from real life. I have a very smart and very beautiful friend who dated an equally smart and handsome guy for several years. The guys could easily star in any American film about couples in love, where all the heroes and, of course, their relationships are ideal.
One day this guy was going to his friend’s bachelor party. This was not a surprise, and no one was against a weekend with friends.
The young man kissed his girlfriend before leaving and promised to miss her very much, and already from the taxi to the airport he wrote to her to look for “something” in the closet. There were no signs of trouble, and the girl happily assumed that she had been given a nice surprise.
There really was no surprise. A discreet letter was waiting in the closet, in which the guy calmly announced that he had fallen out of love and it was all over. He ordered the now ex-girlfriend to take out all her things before his return. Well, yes, he already asked a friend to feed the cat.
This is a very brutal breakup scenario. You can't do that.
Where to speak?
This is also an important point. Don't choose places that mean something to the two of you.
As a woman thinks: “We met here, we’ll part ways here, it’s very romantic.” And then he can’t say goodbye and sobs, remembering all the good things.
Don’t choose “your” places: no favorite parks, restaurants. This should be a place that means absolutely nothing to you, and is unlikely to ever appear in your life again.
What's the best way to talk about your decision to break up?
It would seem that in a world where gadgets and social networks rule the roost, there are many good creative ways to end a relationship. Send an SMS with a sad emoticon or a sticker with a deep meaning in Telegram, change the status “In a relationship” to “Single” on Facebook, write an email with the subject “I’m leaving”, in the end! New realities and modern technologies truly offer a wide range of contexts for human communication. But it's not that simple.
Researchers of modern communications consider Migration and New Media. Transnational Families and Polymedia that people choose different types of communication (telephone, email, Skype, etc.) depending on what emotions they want to convey at a particular moment.
Maybe there is some way to use technology to break up painlessly?
Focus on the positive aspects
How to end a relationship correctly so that there is no feeling of guilt and bitterness? Starting this conversation, everyone feels the desire to express complaints about their soulmate. But no matter how accumulated grievances torment a person, one must remain silent about them. When deciding to break up, you need to focus on the happy moments that were in the relationship and thank your partner for them.
Then, despite the pain, after the breakup there will be a bright feeling, a feeling that the time spent with the chosen one was not wasted.
Can I limit myself to SMS?
No. No messenger can replace a live heart-to-heart conversation. Don’t forget that behind the emoticons and stickers in messages there are real people with real emotions, and the process of breaking up with you may be much more difficult for them than for you.
Respect the person you loved. Treat your partner with compassion, at least out of a sense of gratitude for everything you have experienced together.
Remember: the more seriously a person took this relationship and the more he invested in it, the more difficult and painful it will be for him that everything is over, the more difficult it will be for him to recover.
Have the courage to look your partner in the eyes and voice what is happening between you. Give thanks for everything that happened.
Maybe all is not lost? After all, sometimes over the years of a relationship feelings become a little dull and we sometimes forget how much we love someone.
In principle, there are two options for the development of events:
- You discuss problems and start doing something together to rekindle the extinguished fire.
- You act decisively and break up.
When is it time to end a relationship?
When people develop a habitual way of life, it can be quite difficult to decide on any changes.
And breaking off a relationship that has developed over a long period of time is even more difficult. After all, this is no longer the material, but the spiritual side of the issue: saving a broken soul is very difficult. Breaking up a relationship is a serious step that requires a responsible approach. It’s hard to put an end to it because the couple has developed certain obligations, developed habits and rules for living together, and accumulated common memories. To finally make sure that a relationship that was once so dear has no future and needs to end, weigh all the pros and cons. And if there are more disadvantages, then decide for yourself that this cannot continue like this, life is short and you still have time to live. The psychology of relationship termination indicates that a breakup occurs long before separation from a partner. Minor quarrels, unfulfilled expectations, lack of attention gradually build into circumstances of a more serious nature, which serve as the real reason that people separate. If you want to make sure that the relationship has reached its limit, analyze your union in terms of the following destructive moments. Factors that destroy relationships:
- You and your partner are different people with different positions in life. For example, you strive to create a family, have children or self-education, increase the family budget. And your chosen one is quite happy with everything as it is. It is convenient for him to live for himself, lie on the couch, and not bother too much at work (if he has one at all). It is convenient that you are always nearby and fulfill his whims.
- There is a lack of trust and mutual respect in your relationship. Instead, there are regular manifestations of jealousy, control of every action. And perhaps with good reason.
- Each of you lives your own life - spends time with friends, with family, without inviting your significant other with you.
- Relationships for the sake of habit: when love has long cooled down and people are together only because they spent years building a life and it’s scary to cut everything off overnight. But such a connection has not brought either joy or satisfaction for a long time. Even sexual attempts became rare and also out of habit.
- Fear of loneliness. Many women can endure humiliation and bullying due to low self-esteem and fear of loneliness. As a rule, the partner himself inspires such thoughts (“Who else would need you like that?”). Look at the situation with different eyes: loneliness does not destroy, but gives independence and freedom for everything new.
- Manipulation by a partner. It can manifest itself in different ways: endless calls and SMS with verification, the suggestion that the man is the main one in the family, and the woman should obey him, indulge in everything and not have the right to vote, etc. In general, this includes any actions that depress self-esteem and psyche and causing strong feelings. Ultimately, the woman becomes a victim and will do anything to save her family.
- And finally, the most important thing. Your partner doesn’t love you for a long time and doesn’t hide it. Periodically flavoring it with humiliation and insults directed at you. It is very painful and difficult to break off a relationship with the man you love. But you need to overcome yourself and accept the situation, since it will not change.
If your relationship fits into at least one of the categories, then rest assured that it has no future and must be ended. Not to mention such moments when your chosen one cheats on you, often uses alcohol or drugs. After all, while you are tied up in such an unhealthy relationship, life passes by - perhaps with your real companion, who will love, protect and want the same thing as you. Specific techniques will help you end a relationship with a man correctly and easily, with the help of which you can painlessly put an end to an outdated relationship.
Never humiliate anyone
Never go too far and resort to insults. If you say a bunch of nasty things to your girlfriend or boyfriend at parting, you will give her or him a bunch of complexes. However, your life will not get better from this. (By the way, if you do this, most likely you have complexes.)
Better put all the blame on yourself. Like, honey, you are very good and generally wonderful, I’m just a difficult guy with my cockroaches and will always be like that. Or say something about Prince Charming and your complex relationship with your own inner world.
Of course, we remember that in problematic relationships, both partners are always to blame. But if you decide to leave when it’s not at all expected, it’s better to say that it’s about you. This will make it easier for a partner to recover from a breakup, but do you remember that we are responsible for those we have tamed?
Useful video
From this video you will learn how to properly get out of a destructive relationship:
Parting is always difficult, but after it there always comes a moment of enlightenment . In psychology, this moment is called catharsis - healing through living a negative experience. This is an inevitable and necessary stage of human life.
At this moment, new perspectives and personal possibilities open up before a person, and he becomes convinced that his decision is correct . A person begins to pay attention to the “signs of fate”, to notice its signals and messages. The colors of the world are becoming brighter, and this means that the journey of life continues, and past relationships will remain only pleasant memories.
When you leave, go away
If you decide to leave, then do it irrevocably, once and for all. Don't get your hopes up if you're just bored.
There is no need to write to your ex-girlfriend out of nowhere if suddenly it seems to you that beautiful snow has begun to fall outside the window. There is no need to send your abandoned boyfriend a photo of yourself in a swimsuit because you suddenly remembered how you went to the seaside together.
Leave him or her alone and give him or her a chance to live their own life.
Constantly appearing in the life of your ex-partner, but at the same time not wanting to be with him, is extremely selfish and not very nice of you. Love can also be an addiction. Have you ever seen alcoholics being advised to drink red wine once a week, or drug addicts being advised to take small doses of coke?
Today, contactless payments are gaining popularity. So, friends, not only payments should be contactless. The first time after your breakup should be exactly like this. Research confirms that people who stay away from ex-lovers recover faster after a breakup. But you are a good person and don’t want to harm?
Make sure it's over
Very often people run away from a relationship after the first fight. But in fact, many simply do not understand how to behave in life together.
Then moments that could have been avoided if you had a deeper understanding of the psychology of a normal man would not have received the “problem” label at all.
If you are accustomed to beggars and conquerors, then the behavior of a normal man will be incomprehensible to you. Because he:
- will not meticulously pursue;
- he doesn’t have time for endless courtship;
- he is bothered by the behavior of the woman-mother;
- he talks less and does more.
It’s easier with carers and beggars. They are soft, guess the mood and adapt to it, and most importantly, they love to run after a woman with a bouquet and a teddy bear.
And in 5-10 years you will provide for your family and wonder why Irka gets a fur coat and you get tights.
If the relationship clearly cannot be restored, the scenario is different.
Statuses on social networks are an effective tool
Another tool that will tell a guy more than you yourself is statuses on social networks. Their text may hurt your ex, make him regret the breakup, or tell him that you miss you:
- Now I'm finally free and happy.
- How good it is to free yourself from the shackles of jealousy and constant discontent.
- I’m starting to live with a clean slate – I can breathe easier.
- I am considering applicants for the vacant position of a loved one.
- Try to make me happy, my ex failed.
- I am free like a bird in the sky, I can finally spread my wings.
- Looking for inspiration to write a new love story.
- Love has passed, the tomatoes have wilted, but this is only for the better.
- Everyone has their own limit of patience, mine burst, but I don’t regret it one bit.
- There are no irreplaceable people.
- “Love was without joy, separation will be without sorrow.” (M. Yu. Lermontov).
- Is love evil? No, I'm not a goat to love a goat!
- “If you can’t get closer, people move further away.” (Franz Kafka).
- I’m ready to forgive and start over, but I can’t say about it, and you won’t guess it yourself.
- By the way, yes, by the way, there is your half of the bed here... (Evgenia Rybakova).
- Only by parting with a person do you find out who he really is.
On the vastness of the World Wide Web, if you wish, you can find many more short but succinct quotes from famous personalities that will express your feelings better than yourself. Finally, the same advice: love yourself more than anyone, then parting will not be so painful. Goodbye.
Serious conflict
Often partners have contradictions that are difficult for them to overcome. And lovers wonder how to end the relationship. In this case, you should not make a decision hastily. It's better to give each other a chance to fix the situation. Impulsive breakup is not a reasonable option. However, if a woman really wants to end the relationship, she should directly tell her partner about it. He should know that the girl cannot put up with his characteristics and negative character traits. Then the breakup will not come as a surprise to the man. How do women end relationships? Often representatives of the fairer sex begin to manipulate their chosen one. They hope that the news of an impending separation may change their partner. However, it is not. If a woman decides to end the relationship, she must make the final choice in favor of this option.
Taking the Right Steps
After the decision to break up is made, both people must understand that the situation between them is the result of a common interaction.
Therefore, they need to maintain adequacy and maximum calm , without trying to humiliate each other and cause mutual feelings of guilt.
The right steps come from the inner confidence that the break will benefit both parties, so you need to be as persistent as possible in your decision from the very beginning.
What should you not say to each other?
There is no need to justify and feel sorry for your soulmate and yourself . Self-flagellation and mutual accusations are also prohibited. It is necessary to understand that feeding illusions that a partner will change for the better is meaningless.
There is no need to convey your expressed complaints through third people; it is better to do it personally. Also, don't say things like:
- you're not my type now;
- I want to be alone, I need it;
- It's not about you, it's about me;
- Yes, I've heard this 1000 times already.
also not advisable to talk to each other via text message or email (only as a last resort if the partner is the aggressor), as this indicates cowardice and disrespect. There is no need to publicly humiliate your partner or say unpleasant things on his birthday or anniversary.
Making the decision to end the connection
To assure yourself that the right decision has been made means to realize that a future with this partner is impossible, and to firmly understand that there will be no reconciliation.
There is not always stability in the world; relationships can change and move to another level.
In practice, a breakup is a very unpleasant procedure , accompanied by scandals and mutual claims. You need to be prepared for an unpredictable backlash, especially when the abandoned partner experiences severe emotional pain and loss.
If you have children and financial problems, you must immediately decide how the life of the initiator of the couple’s breakup will proceed. At the same time, it is necessary to resolve existing unresolved issues.
An adequate separation plan is the maximum settlement of all the nuances of the partners’ lives in a peaceful way at the moment of making the decision to break up.
If you have difficulties with the decision to break up, you can contact a psychologist.
Behavior during rupture
If the breakup occurs quickly, you need to pull yourself together as much as possible, pull yourself together and not become limp, occupying your thoughts and daily affairs with any pressing activities. You need to find an interesting hobby and devote all your free time to it, as well as :
- shift attention away from thoughts about your ex-partner;
- communicate more often with different people;
- make a visit;
- visit various cultural places.
Here it is important not to withdraw into yourself and not close yourself off from the whole world in your own experiences. At the same time, you should never, under any circumstances, speak badly about your ex-partner, or seek a meeting with him.
If the breakup lasts a long time, it is advisable to change the situation for a while: go on vacation or a sanatorium, visit relatives or close friends. Interesting leisure time, fresh impressions, communication with nature (forest, mountains, sea) and friends will smooth out internal tension.
Behavior after disconnection
- Don't beg your partner to restore the relationship and don't humiliate yourself. He had made a decision, so even tears would not stop him.
- Don't hold on to past relationships. There is no need to try to get to the bottom of the truth, provoke your partner into lies or inappropriate behavior, or try to delay his departure.
- Never become hysterical, scream or cry in front of your partner. There is also no need to describe all your experiences in detail.
- You shouldn't behave inappropriately. Here we are talking about getting drunk, committing inappropriate acts in public places, threatening suicide.
The next step will be to find your own comfortable and supportive support group (true friends, parents). They will never give up at a difficult moment, and will find the right words to smooth out the rough edges of an unfavorable situation. It won't get any easier just by talking. It will take some time.
You will need to do exercises, communicate with people, not sit at home, and organize your leisure time in such a way that there is practically no time for worries. When meeting with your ex, do not show your aggression and irritation, do not try to get closer - only polite communication. Following these simple rules will help you quickly forget the pain of loss from parting.
