12+ tips from a psychologist on how to overcome your own jealousy: only working techniques

12/28/201712/29/2017 Nadezhda Plotnikova 23 comments

Many girls are familiar with jealousy firsthand. They become jealous of their lovers, spouses, children and even good friends of other people if it begins to seem that they have become less attentive to us. That is why the question of how to get rid of jealousy is often heard during consultations with a psychologist or in everyday communication with friends.

It should be understood that jealousy is difficult to classify as positive feelings. On the contrary, such experiences corrode a person from the inside, like acid, and worsen relationships with a partner. But you can still cope with them if you make every effort and exert your willpower.

Where does jealousy come from?

This feeling occurs when a person experiences a lack of affection, attention from significant people, in addition, it begins to seem that all these emotions are being received by a completely different person. If a girl is constantly jealous, and of completely different people, then we can talk about a character trait - jealousy.

A jealous person is a person in love, this is what is commonly believed in society. Moreover, many are convinced that love and jealousy are closely interconnected and one is impossible without the other. However, such an opinion is clearly a misconception.

The roots of jealousy and envy do not lie in love; on the contrary, negative emotion in every way prevents the strengthening of affection and the progress of relationships.

The sources of jealousy are several factors. Let's take a closer look at them.

Low self-esteem. Perhaps this personality trait is the most common cause of jealousy. For example, a girl on a subconscious level thinks that she is not attractive or smart enough for her chosen one.
Fear of losing a loved one. A jealous person is afraid of losing a loved one or not getting what he needs. This factor is interconnected with self-doubt, when a person who doubts his own merits is afraid to part with his partner, including because of the fear of finding a new object for passion.
Selfishness. We are all selfish to some extent, but jealous people consider their loved ones their property and do not even dare to think that they can have relationships with other people. As a result, victims of jealousy are deprived of their own desires, needs and rights.
Negative past experience. Previous relationships in which there were betrayals and deceptions often become the reason that a girl or guy begins to be jealous of her new partner and suspect him of a tendency to betray.

“Everyone thinks according to the extent of his own depravity” - the well-known folk wisdom is very appropriate in this case. Jealous people often judge their lovers by themselves, that is, they attribute to them the same inclinations and habits.

With a high degree of probability, it can be assumed that a jealous young man or girl themselves cheats on their partners, but does not want to be treated in the same way.

Seek advice from wise people

In difficult everyday situations, we are used to turning to friends. But psychologists do not recommend doing this. During a period when a woman is in disheveled feelings, has lost her way and does not know what to do, she is very suggestible. If a friend's personal life leaves much to be desired, she is unlikely to give sensible advice. “Drive him, why do you need him!” - from the category of those that should not be resorted to.

Isn’t there a person nearby who serves as an example of wisdom? Then it’s better not to let anyone in on your secrets. Or use the help of a professional psychotherapist.

Negative and positive aspects of jealousy

Is this emotion always negative? Figuratively speaking, jealousy is a seasoning. If you dose it, then life together can become more “tasty” and exciting. However, if this spice is consumed excessively, no one will eat the dish.

In addition, jealousy can play a positive role when a person realizes his shortcoming, reconsiders his own behavior and changes his view of the relationship with his partner. But to do this, you need to understand the negative consequences of jealousy.

Negative aspects include a number of factors.

A jealous person feels constant mental discomfort, since his entire existence is poisoned by mistrust and fears. The occurrence of stress and even somatic diseases is possible.
The consequence of jealousy is envy. At the same time, a jealous girl or young man envy everyone with whom a loved one has a good relationship. Envy is an extremely unproductive and destructive emotion that pushes you to undesirable actions.
A jealous person always depends on a partner (close person). Any insult is multiplied tenfold, and every compliment and pleasant words act like a drug. As a result, a painful, destructive relationship is formed.
A jealous person often destroys relationships. Few people want to be controlled, bullied, or suspected of non-existent sins. As a result, marriages break up, friendships collapse, and parent-child relationships deteriorate.

Thus, we can draw a brief conclusion: jealousy is justified only if it increases the lovers’ passion for each other or stimulates a person to work on himself. But it is important that it is temporary.

In all other situations, this feeling only poisons the human soul, leads to numerous problems with the psyche and physical health, and destroys love and friendships. Therefore, it is better to get rid of it.

Keep yourself busy

If you just can’t cope with the feeling of jealousy and don’t know how to deal with it, then try to keep yourself busy with something. As sociological surveys have shown, among housewives who are not busy with anything other than housekeeping, the percentage of women susceptible to attacks of jealousy is noticeably higher than among those who are busy with other household chores.

This is explained quite simply. For housewives, their social circle is kept to a minimum and, as a rule, their interests are family and relationships. And this vicious circle can awaken a terrible beast - jealousy. The recipe for the fight in this case is quite simple - you need to occupy yourself with some activity that would go beyond the usual circle of concerns.

This could be reading, walking, going to the gym, making new acquaintances or renewing old ones. In general, everything that will help you break out of the routine of your usual way of life.

"Symptoms" of jealous behavior

Manifestations of jealousy depend on the characteristics of the person himself, his character and temperament. For example, there may be causeless outbursts of rage, quarrels, and control over communication with third parties. A jealous person often asks about leisure time spent outside the home, waits for them to return from work or school, and studies their phone, email and SMS.

Another option is the desire to attract the attention of an adored object. In this case, jealous people can even change their appearance in accordance with the ideal of their partner. For example, plump girls lose weight, become blondes or brunettes, etc.

At the same time, it is possible to highlight differences in the manifestations of jealousy among women and representatives of the stronger sex. Nice ladies often delve into themselves and experience anxiety, but in some situations they throw up scenes of jealousy and show their partners hysterical attacks.

Young people try to control their lovers, perhaps even using physical force (even assault). Some men become more strict and cold when dealing with objects of passion.

And yet, we can identify general “symptoms” of jealousy:

increased attachment to the object of passion;
the desire to control his actions, limit his circle of contacts;
relationship anxiety;
the desire to be close to a loved one;
negativity towards those people who communicate and interact with the object of jealousy.

There are often situations when jealous people hide their own negative emotions, either ashamed of it or afraid that the object of passion will break off the relationship. It’s good if you can cope with jealousy with simple willpower, but most often a deep study of this condition is required.

What is a jealous person capable of?

A jealous man strives for complete control over a woman. It seems to him that otherwise she will leave him, and he needs to make it as difficult as possible for her to leave. He demands obedience, sets rules that sometimes reach the point of absurdity, and can also behave aggressively. A man's jealousy towards a woman can be expressed in different ways:

a ban on communicating with other men - even with his father and brothers;
a ban on leaving the house alone;
requirement to give out passwords for social networks;
installing wiretapping on your phone, tracking systems on your computer, and even cameras throughout the house;
prohibition to work;
constant accusations;
changing behavior for no reason - an outwardly calm person can lose his temper in a second;
inappropriate reaction to your words, for example, to the mention of a man’s name in a story;
constant intrusive calls and messages - and, of course, a scandal if there is no answer for too long;
threats;
physical violence.

It is important to understand that none of these are expressions of love. True love is based on trust and respect for personal space. This means that all these are signs of unhealthy jealousy.

How to get rid of jealousy: advice from a psychologist

So, you have decided to exclude such an unpleasant feeling as jealousy from your relationship with your lover, child, parents or friend. Let’s say right away that this process is not quick, but the recommendations of psychologists will tell you how to speed it up.

Preliminary stage

Admit to yourself that you are “sick” with jealousy. This is the most important condition for working through any negative feeling. Once you realize and accept your uniqueness, you can make plans to overcome this condition.
Try to establish the true background of jealousy towards a loved one. Maybe you are pathologically afraid of losing your loved one? Does low self-esteem prevent you from taking a worthy place next to him? Have you been betrayed by your lover before? Understanding the cause will allow you to intensify your work to overcome complexes.
Try to analyze the feelings experienced during an attack of jealousy. A jealous person is capable of feeling fear, anger, envy, disgust, anxiety, etc. Having understood the emotional spectrum, you can more easily manage your feelings during the next outbreak of excessive suspicion.
Confess your emotions to the object of your jealousy. At the same time, it is not necessary to talk about yourself derogatoryly (“I’m bad, I’m evil”), it’s enough to talk about how you feel when your lover is delayed without hysterics and accusations. For example: “I get upset when you don’t come home on time” or “I get offended if you flirt with other women.”

Thus, you need to understand that you have a problem and it needs to be solved. Only in this case will it be possible to outline a plan for further work on yourself and relationships. You should not brush aside the existing negative “symptoms” of jealousy.

Work on yourself

Treat yourself better. As already noted, low self-esteem is the most common cause of jealousy. To get rid of causeless jealousy, you need to change your attitude towards yourself, learn to appreciate and respect your own personality, advantages and strengths. Of course, for this you will have to work hard: give up any habits, change your hairstyle, sign up for fitness. That is, do something that will increase the value of your personality in your own eyes.
“Attract” positive emotions. Psychologists advise thinking more often about what attracts your lover to you. Surely you can find many strong qualities and features that your loved one (boyfriend, spouse) likes. Having understood the list of advantages, you need to demonstrate them to your partner more often.
Keep yourself busy. Distraction from obsessive thoughts is a great idea. You can do your favorite activities (reading, drawing, etc.), choose a hobby. In addition to the fact that you will notice a certain effect in the form of performance results, you will also be able to forget about the desire to control your loved one.
Choose a method to safely vent negative feelings. Alternatively, communicate with an understanding friend, keep a diary, correspond with people who have encountered the same problem on thematic forums, exercise in the gym (punching bags, as an example). It is important to choose the most appropriate way to get rid of anger and anger.

If you realize that you cannot deal with your feelings on your own, and jealousy really interferes with your life, you should think about contacting a psychologist. An experienced specialist will help you find points of support and correct the situation in your favor.

Working on relationships

Learn to trust. If your partner does not give real reasons for mistrust, try not to “create evidence” yourself. This is difficult because it is necessary to discard previous experiences, innate suspicion, etc. But if you manage to give freedom to a loved one, he will begin to treat you better, as a result of which your fears and anxieties will recede.
Change the wording. If control and the desire to know as much as possible about the life of a loved one or loved one do not disappear from the behavioral repertoire, try to at least formulate questions and desires differently. For example, instead of categorically demanding that your spouse explain where he was after work, you can ask a softer question: “Did your day go well?” or “Is something bothering you?”
Don’t keep the person close to you , but organize leisure time together. There is no need to force your loved one to always be there. It is much better to organize time together, but, of course, you need to do this in a way that does not seem intrusive. You can visit cinemas together, go to the gym, go fishing, in the end.
“Generate” positive emotions. Rudeness, anger, envy and other negativity only widens the gap between people. This is why psychologists recommend “turning on the generator” of positive emotions as soon as you feel the desire to control the object of jealousy. It is no secret that a person on a subconscious level is drawn to someone who is full of energy, positivity and goodwill. Go for it!

The ability to express positive emotions can and should be trained. Try not to make a sour face in front of the mirror or when communicating with relatives, but, on the contrary, smile, say nice things and give compliments. All this will very soon become a habit and become a part of your life.

Trust each other

Learn to trust each other; serious long-term relationships cannot be built without mutual trust. The walls of family happiness, the foundation of which is based on suspicion, will not stand for long and sooner or later will collapse, crushing under the rubble all the good things that happened between you.

In jurisprudence there is the concept of the presumption of innocence, that is, a person is considered innocent until proven otherwise. It would be nice to apply this rule to relationships between partners.

In other words, make it a rule to discard any rumors, gossip, as well as your suspicions, unless they have solid evidence.

It sounds simple, of course, but not always and not everyone manages to control their temperament. In this case, nothing better than dialogue has yet been invented. Calmly and without strain, tell how you love and appreciate your loved one, openly share your doubts and worries. And in most cases, it turns out that there is simply no reason for jealousy.

Isolated cases of jealous behavior

Girls and women are jealous not only of their real partner. An unpleasant feeling can be caused by the gentleman's ex-girlfriends and his children from a previous marriage. In addition, some even manage to be jealous of their ex-husband or boyfriend, although they have long separated and entered into another relationship. Let's look at some situations in more detail.

Jealousy of ex-spouse

Not all women with a calm soul let their ex-lover go free. Some continue to suffer even after separation, tormented by jealousy. This is easily explained by selfishness and reluctance to part with one’s property, which the ex-spouse falls into. What to do?

Accept the very fact of the final break and admit that the former gentleman has the right to arrange his personal life.
Abstract from your former relationships, turn them into memories.
Thank your failed life partner for all the good things, for the pleasant minutes or years of your life.
If a person has been unfaithful to you, forgive him. If you offended, again show generosity.

All these actions will not only help you cope with jealousy towards your former life partner, but will also prepare you for a new relationship, which will probably be more successful.

Jealousy of a lover's ex-girlfriends

Quite often, new relationships go poorly because we are jealous of our lover’s past. The main reason for negative emotions is the fear of comparison with former passions and the fear that he may return to them at some point.

What to do in this situation? You must again understand that if he chose you, it means that you are better than those other women. Therefore, your task is not to torment him with attacks of jealousy, but to convince him in every possible way (in a reasonable dosage) of the correctness of the choice made.

Jealousy of spouse's children

A similar feeling often arises in those women who date or marry a man who already has experience of marriage and, accordingly, children. At the same time, you should understand that in fact you are not jealous of the child, but of your partner’s ex-wife. A few tips will help correct the situation.

Give up prohibitions and restrictions on meeting and communicating with children. Otherwise, he will begin to choose between you and the offspring, and there is a high probability that he will give preference to the latter.
Organize meetings on your premises. At the same time, if communication with your child is unpleasant for you or you cannot force yourself to “beam with happiness,” just go to your mother or friend for this time.
Ideally, it is best to make friends with children. A warm relationship with your child will allow you to get closer to your spouse, and you will also gain a good ally in your relationship with your lover.

Never speak negatively about your spouse's children, even in conversations with friends. Unfortunately, no one can guarantee that your words will not reach unwanted recipients. As a result, indiscretion can even lead to a break in the relationship.

Talk more with a man about your feelings

We are all brought up in different families, and, as you know, “every hut has its own rattles.” What is considered normal in one family may not be acceptable in another. To some, even harmless flirting will seem like betrayal. A man may not even realize what a storm of emotions the fact that he just said hello to an attractive colleague caused in his woman.

Therefore, it is so important not to harbor resentment, not to accumulate irritation, not to invent reasons for jealousy, but to find time and the right words to understand each other.