Authority and authoritarianism
Authority should be understood as the concept of responsibility that a person voluntarily places on his shoulders. This means that he is worried about those who will follow him and who will depend on him. That is why there is a common expression that authority must be earned. Namely, to demonstrate such character traits that can convince others of strength, the ability to be fair, consistent, purposeful and someone you can rely on.
Authoritarianism is the desire to maintain power at any cost. That is, to force people to obey you. And if it is not possible to do this with words, physical force is used.
You just need patience and a few berries: how to grow blueberries from store-bought fruits
Depression: How Vitamin D Products Affect Our Emotional State
Why do farmers try not to sell eggs on March 24: signs of bird day
The authority and authoritarianism of a man in a family are two radically opposite concepts that must be distinguished by both husbands and their wives.
Face your fear
What kind of trauma is behind the life scenario can be understood by answering the questions - why am I afraid to put myself, and not a man, in first place in my life? What will happen if I do this and why does it scare me?
Set aside a time when you will not be disturbed and write down your answers in a journal. It is important to write by hand - this activates psychological processes comparable to emotional relief. A letter will help you establish contact with yourself and be as honest as possible, entering a state of flow. Record all your emotions without filtering or censoring them. This simple practice will show what lies behind the need to make a man the center of your life.
Where to start getting yourself back if you already recognize yourself in this scenario?
- Shift your attention from the man to yourself: what do you love, what is important to you? Explore yourself with the same zeal with which you usually immerse yourself in a man.
- Form internal support with the phrase “I have me.” You can repeat it like a mantra, and gradually it will move to a deeper level of sensations.
- Choose pleasant bodily practices that will strengthen contact with yourself through the body - yoga, dancing, stretching, massage, breathing techniques. It is important to do this not mechanically, but consciously, each time directing attention inward and enjoying self-care.
- Spend time alone with yourself, turning off your phone and all external noise. Immerse your attention in the body, in the breath, in the pleasure of getting to know yourself.
To become valuable to a man, you must first become valuable and interesting to yourself. Once this happens, balance will begin to return. Yes, this takes time. But your life is worth the effort to heal the scenarios that no longer suit you.
Inability to manage your life
Lyudmila always said that she needed a strong man, but she always confused the concepts. Her arguments sounded like this: “I need a husband who can hit the table with his fist and force me to do something. Otherwise, I won’t be able to be either a good wife or a good mother (they can’t help it, I’m so irresponsible).” In fact, Luda wanted the man to take everything into his own hands and teach her to simply live, observing the norms and rules. And when she met Leonid, she immediately told him about her wishes.
The guy realized that the girl had come to the right address. And imagine his surprise when, after his first use of force, Lyudmila threw a tantrum. And what happened was that she did not listen to her husband, and he forced her to obey in his usual way (by the way, the one that she once asked for). It turned out that an authoritarian husband was not her choice, but her erroneous idea of authority.
Therapist about post-Covid syndrome: “You can’t develop your lungs by inflating balloons”
Where to put shells so that things go well, and other signs with them
To improve memory and more: it is best to drink lemongrass tea in the morning
Who is the boss in the family?
Who is the main man or woman in the family?
This question is usually asked by young couples. In this article we will talk about this. Traditionally, the head of the family should be a man. But it also happens differently.
If the family is headed by a woman
Usually, a powerful woman finds herself a calm man, who is quite happy with the fact that she manages him and earns money. Such a family is called matriarchal.
The advantages of such a family:
- A woman is building a career and at the same time financially independent;
- Little is required from a man.
Flaws:
- It is psychologically difficult for a woman to devote a lot of time to work and provide for the whole family;
- The husband does not feel needed and irreplaceable and this infringes on his manhood;
- Children adopt family habits. Sons grow up to be the same as their father, calm and quiet, while daughters grow up strong-willed and do not recognize a man as a leader. And this will negatively affect your personal life in the future;
- Because of. that the husband is not at all courageous, and the wife is never at home, eternal dissatisfaction with each other arises.
If the main man in the family
The husband provides for the family financially and decides all important family matters, while the wife keeps the house in order and raises the children. Such a family is called patriarchal.
Patriarchy (literally the power of the father) – domination, beginning, power. The father has a leading position in the family.
Source Wikipedia
The advantages of such a family:
- The wife behind her husband, as if behind a stone wall, completely relies on him and can afford to be weak;
- The husband can bring all his ideas to life and be calm about the family. He knows that they are always waiting for him there and that everything is in order at home;
- Children are proud of their father, and their mother is their best friend and adviser.
Flaws:
- Very often a woman has to quit her job, although she likes it, because housekeeping takes up a lot of time;
- A woman's interests often fade into the background;
- When making important decisions, women's opinions are not really listened to.
Equal family
In such a family, rights and responsibilities are distributed equally. Husband and wife bear equal responsibility for the decisions they make.
It is difficult for spouses to live in such a family; they must be able to negotiate. You need to be prepared for the fact that you will have to constantly sort things out.
Its advantages :
- If you know how to negotiate, there will be no conflicts;
- With complete trust of spouses in each other, they receive greater freedom in their personal lives. They choose when and where to relax, with whom to communicate, where to go;
- A good example for children. In such families, children grow up with business acumen and know how to find a compromise.
Flaws:
- Conflicts are possible when distributing responsibilities;
- Since such families are rare, misunderstandings may arise on the part of relatives;
- If spouses do not trust each other, they may become jealous.
A ghostly dream of a strong leader
There is another example that confirms that authoritarianism is unacceptable in partner relationships. It is only possible where one of the spouses suffers from an inferiority complex and has low self-esteem. It was Tatyana who dreamed of a guy who would become a strong leader in her family. She grew up with her mother and always dreamed of having a strong and courageous man in her house. This is exactly what she found in Sergei. From the very first day, she told the guy about his rights and agreed to become his soul mate, who would never “shine.”
Tanya never had money in her wallet; she gave all her salary to her husband. The entire household lay on it, and the husband did not even know where his clean things were, and was not aware of the contents of the pots. The man only gave instructions, looked down on everyone and allowed whatever he wanted. As a result, he found himself another woman. Sergei left, practically stepping over the crying Tanya and his little son, whom, like his wife, he “raised in severity.” And only then Tatyana, oddly enough, felt relief, since she had to endure terrible pressure from her husband.
How One of the Most Famous Photos Ever Taken Helps Solve Problems
Semyon Treskunov told who he really considers his mother
Michelin guide inspectors will secretly visit Moscow restaurants and rank the best
What does this mean?2
When I heard such a song “... But the one who loves is weaker, and the one who does not love is stronger.” And it is true. If a person loves his life partner more, if he is afraid of losing, then he will make any sacrifice. That is, if the wife loves more, then the husband has the control lever - he will be the head of the relationship, because he will yield to his beloved. And she can scream whenever she wants and throw hysterics, without fear that her loved one will turn around and leave. In general, the man is not the head here.
Another situation is that a man is simply a leader by character. No questions will arise here; of course, he will be the head. Why? Yes, because if he is a leader, then he is used to dictating in everything who should act and how.
By the way, control levers are not necessarily love. For some, this is money - a man earns more, is the breadwinner, which means he is the head. A woman earns more, which means she manages finances, makes decisions and dominates relationships.
Very often the child becomes the lever. That is, let’s say a man and a woman don’t live quite wonderfully. A man cannot tolerate the dominance of his wife, and she does not want to be number 2. The man would have left, but... the children. And while they still cannot decide on their own who to stay with, the man endures everything to stay with them.
It happens that the lever is an apartment, housing, other factors (where people come together without serious feelings). To prevent the owner of the property from asking to vacate the premises, you have to put up with his dominance. It happens.
And yet, more often than not, the one with the tougher character becomes the head of the relationship. It is common to think that this is a man, however, this is far from the case.
Transforming authority into authoritarianism
Natalya never thought that she could become a victim of her husband, since she met a kind guy who, it seemed, “wouldn’t hurt a fly.” However, from the first days the woman felt that the character of her chosen one was distinguished by rigor and integrity. Usually the husband behaved calmly, only occasionally he could make a remark. Then comments and recommendations gave way to orders, followed by persistent demands and the desire to insist on one’s opinion at any cost. Natalya was not used to such treatment and began to resist, giving arguments if she disagreed with her husband’s point of view.
But the husband increasingly demonstrated his authoritarianism. When his words were no longer perceived, he used physical force, after which Natasha decided to break up with him forever. The woman still reproaches herself for not recognizing in time the makings of an egocentric and tyrant. Fortunately, she made the right decision about divorce and never regretted it.
Who should be the leader in a relationship and is there equality?
To begin with, you yourself must be ready to become a man with all that it entails. It is important to understand that it is not for nothing that historically the dominant role was given to men. Women have either PMS, hormones, or depression. She needs a strong shoulder nearby, that same “anchor” that will give her peace of mind and help her stay on course. Let's also talk about how to refresh relationships if you have already lost leadership positions. You definitely noticed that the girl is getting more and more impudent, and if you don’t take action, you will become her slave, whom she will use and leave when she gets tired of it.
You must be the leader, because otherwise, after 5-10 years of relationship, you will suddenly realize that your beloved has turned into a selfish monster. And you are to blame, because you spoiled her and missed the moment when you needed to show firmness.
Equality is also a difficult goal to achieve. In reality, the most you can achieve is to separate the areas of leadership. For example, you decide all financial issues and are responsible for the well-being of your family, so you decide whether or not to go on vacation somewhere, or whether to send your child to a private or public school. And your beloved deals with everyday issues: she makes decisions about what wallpaper and furniture to buy. This is conditional, but it is important to understand that there are more serious areas and those where the decision is not fundamental. Now, in order to have the right to decide the most difficult issues, you will have to let her make decisions in less important matters. This will maintain imaginary equality and everyone will be happy.
The role of women
It is very important that a woman be self-sufficient. Namely, such a representative of the fair sex is capable of yielding to her husband if necessary. She will support him in every possible way, advise him herself and listen to his advice. She will never humiliate or insult her husband in front of strangers, and this will help him feel like a real man who is the head of the family. And girls with low self-esteem often provoke authoritarian behavior from their partners, allowing them to control themselves and their lives.
Why do we betray ourselves
By making a man your main value, you deprive yourself of the right to live your life, realize your needs and say “no”. Behind this lies the fear of refusal and being rejected, the desire to be a “good girl” at all costs. Perhaps you really will be good, but with accumulated suppressed aggression. This is expressed in a constant tense smile and a small wrinkle between the eyebrows, stooping, the need to constantly do something with your hands - sorting through your hair, checking your phone. Such muscle tension takes up a lot of energy that could be used to achieve harmony with oneself. Relaxation will come when you learn to accept yourself and say “yes” only when you want it. Only in this case will a man feel the true value of your “yes”.
Main man
The classic model: the man supports the family, the woman is responsible for everyday life. But this scenario goes deeper than “he is the breadwinner, she is the housewife.” The guy takes responsibility for the happiness of his beloved, solves his and her problems, supports not in word, but in deed.
A woman in such a family - who is she? Inspirer, lover, mistress. The girl’s tasks include creating a cozy atmosphere in which the “warrior” can relax, rest, gain strength and go to conquer new horizons.
This model of relationship is good because it is based on the physiological and psychological characteristics of both sexes:
- The stronger sex produces on average 32-33 times more testosterone. This hormone gives you the energy to achieve specific goals, such as making millions or buying a house.
- Women are better at reading the emotions of their interlocutor. This is also explained by hormonal differences: since the fair sex takes care of babies, they need to understand the needs of those around them. Girls feel the mood of those around them and can influence it.
- A man's brain holds onto one goal until it is achieved. Remember the ancient hunters: in order to get a mammoth, they needed to abstract from other tasks.
- Girls are multitasking and take into account many options at once. Thanks to this, it is easier for them to give advice and plan at the tactical level.
Because the traditional family model is based on the characteristics of each gender, it usually gives both partners a sense of security and satisfaction. I write more about this in the “Happily Married” section.
Qualities inherent in the head of a family
To be a true head of the family, it is important to actively participate in family life. There are often cases when all the money earned by a husband is under the leadership of his wife, and he, not caring about anything, drinks beer on the sofa. The real head of the family must support his status with deeds.
To determine your role in the family, it is not enough to set priorities and divide responsibilities. It is important to learn more about the inner world of your companion and yourself. But not all psychologists will be able to help you with this. The result can be achieved if you make a personal calculation of the rave card, based on the date and time of birth. This is the most effective method to understand who you are, what you need and how to behave in a given situation.
Be self sufficient.
What it is? This means not depending on anyone. Not with anything.
Be able to earn your own living, rent, utilities, vacation. Be able to wash, iron, and buy everything you need for life yourself. Learn to cook some basic dishes.
You must not depend on anyone. Especially from a woman. Everything she does, you should be able to do yourself. This way you don't need any help. You are able to live peacefully without her or anyone else.
How not to be manipulated by women
You feel stupider and don't seem as confident as before, stop and watch your girlfriend, maybe she is manipulating you.
Women are quite cunning creatures and through flattery, complaints, and various provocations they can twist ropes out of a partner. These manipulations need to be recognized in time and be able to defend against them. There are several ways to eradicate her manipulations.
Stand your ground and don’t lose confidence in your words even for a second. Don't let people accuse you of something of which you are completely innocent. Women can very skillfully instill feelings of guilt out of nowhere, and this should always be stopped.
Don't be manipulated by intimacy when a girl is trying to get something from you.
Don't be shy to ask direct questions when you feel like you're being manipulated. They are the ones who will help confuse and confuse the girl.
Don't solve the problem by yelling or, worse, by force. Control yourself and maintain unshakable calm always and everywhere.
If your partner values and respects you as a person, then all manipulations and games will quickly disappear or will not exist at all. To be a leader means to have unshakable calm, create confidence around yourself and in the future, and take responsibility for decisions and their consequences. These qualities can be nurtured and developed in yourself, the main thing is to start.
PsychologyPRO
Be purposeful.
An important quality of a confident man. It will help you in any area, including in relationships.
Set goals and go towards them, strive and achieve. Don't stop, even if you don't succeed several times in a row. This is the only way to achieve success.
A girl shouldn't feel uncertain around you. If we are talking about relationships, she must clearly understand where everything is going. Make plans, talk to her about the future, this will give her a feeling of peace.
Otherwise, she herself will start trying to set goals while you are lying on the couch. It is important for her to understand what is happening and what will happen next. So she will try to solve it. And take on male responsibilities. For you, this is a direct path to rags.
