The principles of building love and family relationships are, by and large, no different from the principles of any other social interaction. Relationships are part of almost every area of life - from running a successful business to creating a happy family. Man is a biosocial being, and therefore it is vitally important for him to be able to communicate with others.
Fortunately, the skill of building and maintaining high-quality relationships is not innate and is quite easy to develop; all you need to do is apply a few key principles that we will talk about in this article.
Relationships in numbers
The ability to build healthy relationships is an important skill that, unfortunately, not everyone has mastered. According to sociologists, from 40 to 50% of US marriages end in divorce [Insider, 2021]. In Russia in June 2022, 45.8 thousand divorces were registered, which is almost 2.5 times more than in May of the same year [Izvestia, 2020].
The lowest percentage of divorces is observed in the republics of the North Caucasus: Ingushetia and Chechnya (0.6%), Dagestan (1.1%) and North Ossetia (1.7%), as well as in Tuva (1.6%). The leaders in the number of divorces were the Altai Republic (4.3%), Yamalo-Nenets Autonomous Okrug (4.2%), Kaliningrad (4.2%), Amur and Magadan regions (4.1%) [Izvestia, 2020].
According to the head of the laboratory of quantitative methods for studying regional development at the Russian Economic University. G.V. Plekhanov Elena Egorova, the institution of family has been undergoing changes in recent decades. “There is no longer that value, and often couples break up even without any attempts to improve the relationship or maintain it. Therefore, the divorce rate is high, and then remarriage occurs, which will also be counted,” explains the expert [Izvestia, 2020].
Building new relationships is a complex process that requires great effort and resources on both sides. It is worth noting that the absence of divorces may not always indicate happiness and harmony in married couples. So, for example, the low coefficient in the republics of the North Caucasus can easily be explained by national characteristics, namely the aversion to divorce at the mental and cultural levels.
Between January and June 2022, 220.7 thousand cases of divorce proceedings were registered in Russia, which is 34.7% less than in the first six months of the previous year [RBC, 2020]. However, sociologists believe that this is primarily due to the introduction of self-isolation caused by the new coronavirus infection.
Try to find the positive in everything
Human nature is such that all the advantages of our partner begin to be taken for granted over time.
He has always been like this, it seems to us. But the shortcomings are beginning to be perceived more and more. People are becoming more and more critical, comparing their couple with others. And the shortcomings are starting to pose a huge problem. An adequate adult must understand that all people are different and imperfect, everyone has their own shortcomings. It's impossible to find a perfectly compatible person, and you just have to accept that.
Did you fall in love with this person for some reason? Every time another thought about incompatibility comes into your head, think about its merits, and even better, talk to your half about them more often. Any person enjoys being appreciated.
Signs of a destructive relationship
Relationships can be both healthy and destructive. Each person determines the purpose and methods of their construction for himself independently.
may indicate that you are in a destructive union :
- Regular reluctance of the partner to discuss problems that have arisen.
- Lack of respect for the feelings, interests and desires of another person.
- Mistrust.
- Deception (from minor concealment to major lies).
- Violation of personal boundaries.
- Imposed control, ranging from managing a partner’s finances to checking correspondence on social networks and instant messengers.
- Forced sexual activity or reproductive violence.
- Lack of equality.
- Insults and humiliation.
- Psychological or physical violence.
- False accusations.
- Manipulation.
Couples who use destructive behavior during arguments (such as yelling, insults, personal and hurtful criticism of the partner, avoiding discussion of the problem, and even using physical violence) are more likely to separate than couples in which partners express their points of view constructively and respect each other's opinions.
Disagreements are part of any human relationship. With the right approach to them, you can get a lot of advantages, because often it is in a dispute that the truth is born. However, not everyone can constructively resolve differences of opinion that arise. Using constructive strategies, such as listening to the other person and understanding their feelings, is a healthier way to deal with disagreements.
There can be a huge number of reasons for conflicts, ranging from socks scattered around the house to issues of raising children. Both cases are absolutely normal, but only if they are resolved correctly. If you quarreled over an unclosed tube of toothpaste and after 5 minutes you forgot about it and continue to enjoy each other’s company, then there is no reason to worry. It is much worse if a minor quarrel becomes the reason for insults, manipulation, or silence for several days or even weeks [American Psychological Association, 2020].
Every relationship has its ups and downs, but some factors are more likely than others to lead to a crisis. One sign of a problem is repeated conflicts for the same reason. For example, constant quarrels over financial issues or household things. In such cases, it is recommended to contact qualified family psychologists who will help couples improve interaction and find healthy ways to resolve conflicts.
Don't wait until there are signs of trouble in your relationship before you begin to strengthen your union. There are special programs and courses that examine the system, model, rules and features of building family relationships. The goal of these programs is to teach partners such important skills as good communication, listening and resolving disagreements, thereby significantly reducing the risk of conflicts and divorces.
One such program is our online course “Building Relationships.” In it we have collected the secrets of creating happy and harmonious couples. The program is suitable for both people who have been married for a long time and those who are just planning to start a family and are at the stage of choosing a life partner.
Reason #7: Be prepared to change.
When people have been married for more than 20 years, they may find that they have changed a lot from what they were two decades ago. Be prepared for the fact that in 20 years you will wake up and discover that the person lying next to you is not at all the same as before, and then you will need to learn to love him.
Of course, this will happen if you allow your other half to be themselves, do their own thing and develop in their own direction - and you do the same yourself. But when you change, do not forget to discuss what is happening to you - then you will be able to both respect and accept each other.
Signs of a Healthy Relationship
Any relationship is only as good as the people in it. In a strong union, each partner is a self-sufficient person who makes an equal contribution to its development. If people follow these principles when building relationships, then harmony and mutual understanding will reign in their couples and families.
Successful couples trust each other in all matters, from financial planning and distribution of the family budget to raising children. “When people can trust their spouse to effectively address these issues, the relationship can develop in a healthy way,” says Samantha Saltz, MD, PhD, a board-certified psychiatrist [Insider, 2021].
A 2013 study of married couples found that partners who trust each other are more likely to feel satisfied in their relationship. During the study, trust was measured on three scales: predictability, reliability, and faith in a loved one [International Journal of Research Studies in Psychology, 2013].
Healthy relationships involve balance, where the partners' needs are equally important. The needs of each member of a couple can include many things, including quality time, communication, or intimacy. Such unions are much healthier than codependent unions, when one partner will almost always satisfy his desires, while the other will not.
“It is important that those involved in a relationship have their own identity, independent of their partner,” o [Insider, 2021].
Being alone is good for a person's psychological and emotional health. People need time to relax and be alone. Experts believe that the desire to periodically spend several hours or even days away from a partner is completely normal, as is going on a trip with friends, since it is a sign of trust in a loved one.
Conflict is not a sign of problems in a couple, but the ability to get out of it is very important for building a strong union. "If you've never had disagreements with your partner, it may be a sign that you're ignoring the problems, which could lead to resentment or more disagreement," says Chris Leath, Ph.D., professor at the University of Texas at San Antonio. [Insider, 2021].
It is important to be able to use conflict as an opportunity for growth both as a couple and as an individual. When disagreements do arise, people in healthy relationships should be able to work through them together. Conflict resolution can be a sign of commitment to a relationship. It shows that both partners are willing to stay with each other despite differences and differences in views.
The ability to resolve conflicts is a sign of mutual respect and understanding. Research shows that couples who chose to solve problems together were more likely to be satisfied with their relationships [Social Psychology, 2019]. Many psychologists have noted that conflict that is effectively resolved usually results in increased intimacy and a sense of cooperation and empowerment in couples.
Touch and physical intimacy are critical to healthy relationships because they enable each person to feel closer to their partner and bring pleasure into their daily lives.
For a couple to thrive, it is important that both partners are willing to talk openly about their feelings, experiences and dreams. Clear and direct communication is a sign of a healthy relationship. It suggests that loving people can express their wants and needs in a way that another person can understand. Such communication helps to establish contact with your partner, honestly express your thoughts and resolve any conflicts that may arise.
Studies have shown that couples were more satisfied with their relationships when they used communication skills such as making constructive statements and clarifying the meaning of words spoken [Journal of Psychology in Africa, 2018].
Reason No. 8. Learn to quarrel correctly
We already know that quarrels in couples are inevitable, but we need to sort things out correctly. There are several rules that cannot be broken. First of all, you cannot criticize your partner’s personal qualities: no “you’re stupid/stupid” - only “you’re doing stupid things.” In a conflict, you shouldn’t take a defensive position like “I wouldn’t have done/did this if you hadn’t...”. It is forbidden to impose feelings of guilt on your partner. And, of course, you shouldn’t refuse if a loved one wants to speak out: running away from a quarrel with the words “that’s it, I’m not going to discuss this” is a sure way to break the relationship.
Principles for Building Healthy Relationships
The key to a strong and successful relationship is constant work on oneself on both sides. Harmonious couples are not a fairy tale that writers, poets and screenwriters paint, but a completely achievable reality. However, this reality is not created in an instant, but is the result of complex and painstaking work on both sides [American Psychological Association, 2020].
Romantic relationships are important for happiness and well-being, but maintaining them requires some effort. We have prepared for you several recommendations that absolutely anyone who wants to achieve harmony with their other half can follow.
Trust
Perhaps the main principle of building not only love, but also all social relationships is trust. To win him over, you need to remain consistent and reliable in all your words and actions. Try to use the principle of “trust in advance.” This means that you should not obviously expect a trick from the person with whom you are getting close, a priori trusting him.
Of course, sometimes it can be difficult to get rid of negative experiences and begin to unconditionally trust a new partner who is not responsible for your past. If the pain from experienced betrayal and disappointment prevents you from building a relationship from scratch, work through this issue with a psychologist. You will soon notice how easy and pleasant it is to trust people.
Trust is not only honesty, but also the ability to tell a loved one about your experiences, fears, dreams and plans without fear of being judged or ridiculed [About Leaders, 2016]. People who build relationships on trust are honest with others and rightly expect honesty in return. In such couples, a healthy atmosphere of safety is created, conducive to frank and personal conversations.
Show respect
Trust is impossible without mutual respect. To create a safe environment, be respectful of the other person's feelings.
Take time to be intentional about showing your respect to the people around you. You'll soon find that this makes them feel important and unique. Respect also implies the ability to listen carefully to your partner, showing him your involvement and interest. When you regularly say “please” and “thank you” to important people in your life, you show them your respect and appreciation, which greatly improves the quality of your relationships [About Leaders, 2016].
Make time for your partner
How much time you spend with your loved one is an important factor in your relationship. Their value can increase for both you and your partner depending on the amount of time you devote to them.
It is important to pay attention to the quality of time spent. This means that at this moment you should be completely and completely focused on your partner, his words, actions and feelings, without being distracted by extraneous concerns.
It would be better for you to spend a few minutes every day with your loved one, being sincerely interested in what emotions he is experiencing, than to be in the same apartment all day long, but at the same time behaving like neighbors.
Praise and thank
Remember that the three most powerful words in any relationship are the words “I love you.” Take time to show and tell the most important people in your life that you love them, and do it in different ways and as often as possible.
Believing in the best in people usually brings out the best in them. When you express gratitude to another person for what they do for you, they feel better and want to please even more.
Add value to your partner. This can be done in simple ways. For example, with a kind and encouraging word or a warm and sincere hug. Research shows that respect for a loved one is one of the strongest determinants of whether couples are satisfied with their relationship [PNAS, 2020].
Admit mistakes and forgive
People are not perfect, and no matter how hard they try to always do the right thing, everyone can make mistakes. Taking responsibility for your own actions is the foundation of a healthy and productive relationship.
If you made a mistake, admit it. If you have acted badly towards a loved one, ask him for forgiveness. Attacking and blaming in return never improves a relationship. Know how to forgive and let go of grievances. Then you will live with less stress and enjoy life more.
Speak openly
Communication is a key element of healthy relationships. Strong couples regularly set aside time to talk to each other. It is important to talk not only about raising children and running a household, but also about each other’s feelings, plans and dreams. Try to spend a few minutes every day discussing deeper or personal topics to stay connected with your partner in the long run.
Often people can be offended that their partners cannot guess thoughts, desires and feelings, without realizing that they do not have psychic abilities and cannot read minds. The ability to speak openly requires that you can honestly and correctly voice your expectations, desires, thoughts, doubts and feelings. Only when you directly voice your position can you expect your partner's reaction to it.
This principle also works in reverse. You shouldn't think for someone else. If it seems to you that something is bothering your loved one or, for example, he has changed his attitude towards you, do not beat yourself up, but directly and openly ask him about it. Only he can dispel or confirm your doubts.
Add variety
Between kids, careers, and home commitments, it can be difficult to stay connected with your partner and maintain the same interest in each other. Routine is the main enemy of romance.
To prevent this from happening, add variety to your usual routine. Arrange unexpected surprises, invite your partner on dates, find a joint hobby, or regularly visit new and interesting places and master classes. Travel, make friends, develop and share your impressions. All this can greatly color your family life.
Read and develop
The skill of building harmonious and happy relationships is the same skill as, for example, negotiating or time planning. He can and should learn. Of course, this is not possible the first time, but you shouldn’t give up. Children also do not immediately begin to walk, but this does not mean that after the first unsuccessful attempt, they should stop and decide that walking is not for them.
To understand yourself and the basic principles of building healthy relationships, it is absolutely not necessary to enroll in expensive programs or go to family psychologists. In the age of modern technology, there is a large amount of useful information that can be easily found in the public domain.
For example, the well-known video hosting YouTube has collected a large number of recordings from lectures, seminars and speeches by famous psychologists and family relations specialists. One of them is the Ukrainian Vedic philosopher, family psychologist, author of books Satya Das, who became famous thanks to his easy and cheerful presentation of the material.
At his seminars, Satya Das, in a simple and humorous manner, tells listeners about the principles, stages and methods of building healthy and strong relationships [NN.ru, 2019]. His channel contains a large collection of videos from real performances, where the psychologist answers questions from listeners and shares with them his many years of experience as a happy family man.
Start with yourself
Like attracts like. Remember this the next time you want to complain about your partner or blame him for something. In most cases, your loved ones are a reflection of yourself.
Relationships should not close the emptiness in the soul and save you from loneliness. When you start dating another person, wanting to escape from boredom or solve internal problems, you risk falling into a dependent relationship. Only by becoming a self-sufficient and harmonious person, who is completely comfortable alone with yourself, can you find the same whole person and create a healthy union with him.
Take criticism soberly
Often during a quarrel, people play a game: “whoever is last is right” - if they try to accuse you of something, you try to answer immediately so as not to remain extreme and guilty.
Usually partners don’t even listen to what their opponent tells them; they are fixated on their grievances and on quickly laying out their entire stock of counterarguments. Wouldn’t it be more correct to listen to what doesn’t suit your loved one, and instead of inventing your grievances, try to understand the problem? Perhaps our partner is right about something, but we close ourselves off from him, afraid to admit our guilt. You don’t argue with a doctor when he directly points out your problems - poor posture, excess weight, don’t tell him nasty things like: “Have you seen yourself in the mirror?” So why do we allow ourselves to behave this way with our loved ones, because they definitely do not wish us harm and, pointing out our shortcomings, try to make us better?
Your family is a team
Yes, yes, partners and partners. And for everything that happens between you, you are responsible together. Try not to screw up this connection in the first year and see how your life changes.
- It is important to maintain friendly relations in a couple. Discuss the events of your life, share your experiences, ask for advice.
- Conversations are much more important for a woman than for a man. So don’t forget to ask how her day was, what interesting things happened at work, and listen carefully to her answers.
- If you think about it, you live with one person, but he is constantly changing! So, essentially, your partner will be different at different stages of life. Lots of work!
This is the only way to maintain a feeling of closeness for many years. The key to a good relationship is constant communication between partners.
Don't ask for love
If you lack the company of your partner, the problem is not at all that you have some supposedly wrong relationship, but specifically in your own unrealistic demands. It is impossible to demand love and warmth in specific quantities. Artificially induced sincere feelings are an oxymoron - that is, it does not happen. I have already voiced this topic on progressman.ru in an article about the duty of love. Here I will repeat and add a little.
It's damn important to realize the absolute total futility of trying to claim love. Forcing love does not work, but causes a completely opposite uncontrollable reaction of dislike and hostility. No one ever has any rights to someone else's love - it either arises spontaneously, as a natural subjective response to what is happening, or not.
An analogy is a flower. No matter how much you cajole it, don’t force it out, it won’t grow and bloom faster, but rather, on the contrary, it will fade away. You can only create fertile soil for its growth - and it’s never a guarantee that it will work.
It’s the same with warm feelings - they arise not at all because the dependent partner needs them, but as a reaction to his liked qualities and actions. And among these positive qualities there is certainly no obsessive, hungry addiction.
The following rule follows from this:
Maintain your independence
We cannot control our sympathy - “you can’t order your heart” - that’s what they say. But you can still control your need for someone else’s sympathy to a certain extent. You do understand that sympathy (or even love) and dependence are different things?
If you read the article carefully, you could catch a single outline that permeates all the rules - the idea of the value of maintaining one’s own integrity and independence, so that relationships do not become a plug from one’s own fears.
The importance of independence is difficult to overestimate - only with it are at least relatively easy and joyful relationships possible. And relationship addiction kills with a whole arsenal of means. Below I will list only the most common ones. I will repeat here and there.
Dependence leads to jealousy and a sense of ownership , encourages you to strangle your partner with control and suffer yourself from the fear of being betrayed and deceived by a mug.
The dependent partner loses his mental balance , his mood chaotically dances to the tune of the partner’s attention and disposition. I talked about this in more detail in the article about happiness in relationships and hobbies.
A dependent partner loses his attractiveness because he is perceived as a mentally dependent child who does not arouse passion. It is independent self-sufficiency that looks sexy. And intimate relationships with an addicted partner begin to have a hint of incest.
Addiction devalues all other joys of life , and there are fewer and fewer resources left for friends, work, hobbies and hobbies.
Dependence encourages you to increase your rights to love and attention , which usually leads to dislike and inattention. I already talked about this above.
Dependence leads to a rush that is destructive for relationships - you want to get enough of your partner and dissolve in him without looking back. As a result, the stages of rapprochement, which take months at a comfortable pace, are simply skipped. And in proportion to the ardor of the hasty rapprochement, the blatant incompatibility of the partners is revealed. Intensive grinding can be too painful, and all rosy joint plans with hopes have to be buried along with the relationship.
Addiction plunges you into a drama woven from the fear of a possible unbearable loss. In this situation, the partner’s company is perceived not as one’s own choice and free will, but as a forced and tense transaction. This is roughly how all the ease of making ends meet disappears from a relationship. Here, addiction often leads to a situation where it is unbearable both with and without a partner.
The list goes on.
How to gain and maintain your own integrity and independence? This is what most of all the principles and rules voiced in this article are about. Below I will describe a few more.
Forget the rules
I don’t particularly believe in rules that are binding on everyone, on the basis of which one can build healthy, harmonious relationships. In the article I will rather talk about what not to do - about the common ways in which relationships kill. This “map” clearly shows some dead ends so you can avoid them. And free joint movement and spontaneous consonance do not need rules.
In a recent text about real and expected relationships, I already indirectly touched on this topic. Here I will add that harmonious interaction between partners does not tolerate forced patterns, no matter how fabulously beautiful they may be. The more standards that you don’t want to meet, but have to, the less ease there is.
Who is the boss in the family, who is older, who earns more, who is responsible for what, whether there will be children together, how much time is spent together, what orientation the partners have, what games they practice in the bedroom, where and how they live - all this does not matter until then. as long as both are satisfied . No matter what outside observers say.
The point is not to create the “right” relationship, but to understand what you yourself want and what you can really count on with the person next to you.
Of course, everything here is not so simple and unambiguous. The line between looseness and disgusting is different for everyone. I will talk about the nuances below.
The following is the second “rule” of relationships:
Take care of your appearance
You might say that attraction to our partner is important in a relationship.
This is true, often people complain that their relationships are collapsing, their partner ignores them, and I’m not even talking about intimate life. Why is this so? If a woman or man is young, they don't have to think too much about their appearance, the pounds are usually what they should be, they don't have to watch what they eat, and, from a treatment standpoint, they are relatively completely healthy. Unfortunately (fortunately) we will not stay young. As we grow up, we will have to take care of ourselves, watch what we eat to avoid unnecessary weight gain - metabolism slows down with gradual aging, and unless we are ascetic by nature, every extra kilo causes stress for many of us. Every man and every woman wants a partner who is attractive to them and about whom they can say: “I like my partner.” That's why don't let it get too far and take care of your body. Not only will your body look good, but more importantly, you will feel good. So find activities you enjoy and strengthen your body and spirit! Eat sparingly, healthily, regularly, and you will see that the results will not take long to come.
Organize your finances
Yes, it's true, women are often accustomed to relying on men's money. Equality aside here, ladies. Make your home budget and organize your finances. In any case, even if you can afford it, do not show at home that the woman is earning her pocket money. It's a little unfair to men - isn't it? Contribute to both your family. Not only will you feel better, you will also have a little financial responsibility, but it will also help your relationship. Then your partner will feel that you are also trying to keep your home safe and will appreciate you more.
Different interests are quite normal
Being together does not mean doing only common things.
Everyone should have personal time and personal interests. It's okay if you love to read but your partner doesn't. You should not force your significant other to change their views to please you, because this is also a kind of violence against the individual. If they try to persuade you, then take it calmly, try to explain that you have the right to do what you like. Another option is to try to reach a compromise. For example, your partner doesn't like that you spend too much time on the computer. Try to agree on an optimal time that will not upset your loved one.
Be honest with each other
Happy relationships are built on trust. When you started living together, you automatically became close people. Not roommates or neighbors, but those you can trust. Leave omissions and lies in the past, be as frank as possible. You will see that this will result in more understanding and less jealousy in your union.
Conflicts are inevitable. But you can solve them right away, without putting them off until later, when you calm down. It is important to do this without hysterics and psychosis. By the way, the best sex happens after a big scandal.
Don't leave reconciliation for later. Then the woman will screw herself up in such a way that you will spend an eternity spinning her thoughts!
And forget about control. In a trusting relationship, it is important to give your loved one freedom. As much as she needs. And remember that a woman will reach out for a real man on her own; for this you do not need to drag her along with you.
Don't play with feelings
One of the most common problems in relationships is unrequited feelings: almost always one is attached and “loves” more, the other less. Such a difference in feelings tends to grow - it has its own vicious circle, which, when left to its own devices, leads to the collapse of relationships.
Here, as in the economic market: the higher the demand for the lover’s attention, the more expensive the “product” and the scarcer the “supply” - the beloved involuntarily begins to value his time free from his partner more and more. The more the offered attention of a partner in love is richer than the demand for it on the part of the beloved, the more actively the “product” loses in price, up to the stage when the lover already wants to “pay extra” so that he will get rid of his proposals, at least for a while.
Saving a relationship when there is an imbalance of mutual feelings is initially a difficult undertaking. But everything becomes three times more complicated because of one common psychological game where “traps” are set in order to catch someone else’s “love” and feel loved, special and important. And the one whose attachment turned out to be stronger suffers defeat accordingly.
Most people are afraid to honestly and openly express their feelings, because it is easier to be “loved” than to “love” and languish - a kind of “advantageous” position - to “sell” one’s own society as a special value, so that the partner who bought into the trick begins to psychologically sponsor him: show signs of attention, make concessions.
As a result, either the lover finally gets tired of his humiliating dependence, as if from a drug, and decides to free himself from it according to the “out of sight, out of mind” principle, or the beloved, exhausted from the coercion of love and mental suffocation, begins to make plans for escape.
To prevent relationships from reaching a complete dead end, instead of manipulative games with other people's feelings, one should practice open communication. Honesty, in general, has a wonderful property - it clarifies. And the more biased emotions, tricks and manipulations, the larger and more intricate the web of mutual misunderstanding and mistrust.
The next few rules of relationships will be something like recommendations for those tormented by their own unrequited affection.
