No one denies that a person needs a person, and yet having a partner has long been no longer a prerequisite for a happy life. Many people consciously choose to be alone, and it seems that society is gradually beginning to accept this choice. Unfortunately, not fast enough: singles are still perceived as something of a failure in the social system, with huge numbers of people feeling lonely without even being formally alone. Let's figure out what lies behind the feeling of loneliness and what can be done when this experience brings suffering.
In modern society, despite all the talk about the variety of possible life formats, loneliness still remains a stigma. On the one hand, this is understandable: being social animals, people are not able to fight the hardwired idea that everyone necessarily needs someone else. On the other hand, many seem to forget that, firstly, in order to not feel lonely, you do not have to have a partner and, secondly, having a partner does not always relieve the overwhelming feeling of alienation, exclusion and emptiness. Yet many people, even as they gradually become depressed because of this feeling of internal inadequacy, are afraid to talk about their feelings and admit that they are alone: they are afraid of being considered strange, different, ungrateful, or simply a loser.
Lack of freedom to talk about loneliness only exacerbates the problem of single people in society
Especially in cases where the person is actually striving for a completely different life: if you judge yourself for feeling lonely, it will be even more difficult for you to take any steps to change the situation. And, of course, in this case there will be nothing left but to condemn yourself again - this time for the fact that you have not taken any action to solve the problem.
The general idea is that if you don't have friends or a partner, there must be something wrong with you. But in reality, feeling lonely has little to do with how many friends you have or how successful you are in your personal life. It's something that comes from within: Some people who feel lonely may rarely interact with others, while others may be constantly in the spotlight and have a wide social circle but feel no strong connections with anyone at all. Those who feel lonely actually spend no more time alone than those who don't.
Loneliness is a very different experience than solitude. Solitude, the conscious desire to be alone, is loneliness of one’s own choice, in which one is comfortable. Internal loneliness without choice, on the contrary, means discomfort - you strive to communicate more with others and want to have more close people, but something in your plans goes wrong.
Loneliness can be different for different people. Many are lonely, despite the fact that they have a lot of exciting acquaintances and unusual activities. Having hundreds or thousands of “friends” on social networks also does not always mean that you have someone to discuss the latest movie with or someone to invite for a cup of coffee. One of the most powerful experiences of loneliness is all those situations when a person is in a crowd of people or with a life partner, but does not feel any connection, but only an all-consuming emptiness and misunderstanding.
Loneliness can mean not having a romantic partner or not having someone to go on vacation with. Loneliness can also be a feeling that accompanies a loss or a feeling of spiritual emptiness. In a broad sense, being lonely means not feeling a meaningful connection with others, with the world, with life, and with yourself.
Loneliness as a fact
Do you remain alone, as if you avoid others? Do you often see your friends? It’s good if there are still excellent comrades. Nobody invites you to visit. Or maybe everyone is already tired of it, ruined all relationships. Or simply the society in which a person finds himself has different views, and he is not at ease and therefore is forced to maintain a detached existence. One thing is clear - no one is around. If so, then the solution would be to try to find like-minded people. Believe me, they exist.
You can go, for example, to a holiday, to the gym. Anywhere where there are people. Many people enjoy hobbies. Find a like-minded person in circles or communities. It's best if it's offline. You can go to an interesting conference on your topic, to various master classes, coffee breaks, or to an ice skating rink. Don't be afraid of feeling like everyone has abandoned you. Be afraid to bury a good friend within yourself.
You are prone to social isolation if:
- your speech is rough;
- you always argue and make your opinion absolute;
- there is boredom despite eventful days;
- there are no positive emotions;
- you strive to realize yourself separately from society;
- you are not interested in your partner’s condition;
- you seek to overly control family members or a specialist at work;
- you are an overly independent person;
- you have a difficult past;
- you suffer from a form of psychological disorder and
- Situations arise when you cause concern to others;
- You are an elderly person and your surroundings are perceived as a social landscape.
Rodya - everything is possible.
The fact that a person is unable to express his feelings does not always mean that he does not experience them
There is an old joke about a couple in love. The girl asks her boyfriend:
- Tell me some kind word.
- Sweatshirt.
- Well, what are you like... And is it even warmer?
He, after thinking, says:
- Two sweatshirts.
This parable very accurately conveys a symptom of another emotional disorder - alexity. Literally, this term means “there are no words for feelings.” We can say that alexithymia is an emotional muteness in which a person is unable to verbally express the feelings that he is experiencing. For him there is no connection between certain emotional states (which he, of course, experiences) and such words as “grief”, “joy”, “anger”, “sadness”, “delight”, “pity”, as well as all other verbal descriptions of the huge palette of human feelings.
Not being able to express his experiences in words, such a person is very poor at recognizing other people’s emotions, because where there are no words, dialogue is impossible.
As a result, he either has to do without expressing feelings at all, or he invents his own language for them, which usually comes down to describing bodily sensations like “presses,” “burns,” “warm,” “cold,” or the already mentioned “sweatshirt.” from a joke.
Alexithymics have very poor imagination, and, unlike talented schizoids, they are almost incapable of artistic creativity. However, at the level of communication with close people, these two very different personality types show surprising similarities, although for different reasons.
People with alexithymia are practically unable to experience empathy: it is very difficult for them to empathize with others, to be sympathetic and sympathetic interlocutors. But they are not soulless egoists or insensitive blockheads. It’s just that people with such a disorder sincerely do not understand how all this can happen, what “muscle” they need to strain in order to become “correct”. Therefore, it is easier for them to avoid communication or get off with cliched phrases. Moreover, the intelligence of such a person can be very high.
It must be said that this is not some rare exotic. Studies have shown that approximately 20% of our contemporaries have manifestations of alexithymia to a greater or lesser extent.
Moreover, due to traditional restrictions on emotional reactions in men - “boys don’t cry” - their level of alexithymia is higher than in women.
Thesis six:
Loneliness as a feeling
It’s amazing that there are so many people around, but we feel like a desert island when we encounter misunderstandings. In this case, to whom can you open your soul? However, believers, even in such an emotional state, turn to the Heavenly Father for help. The Bible says: “Call to Me and I will answer you, I will show you great and inaccessible things.” The Lord will always understand.
The feeling of loneliness cannot be called an illusion or stupidity. People find something to fill this hole - drinking, games, movies. These are all temporary patches. Everyone has an emptiness in their hearts that tinsel cannot fill. Holy place.
Loneliness as a choice
It doesn't matter where we are now. The main thing is where we will be in the future. This is what advertising for the multi-billion dollar tourism industry is based on. People have the privilege of making choices.
“If anyone wants to have friends, let him be friendly,” says the Bible text.
Modern progress and high levels of well-being have played a cruel joke on us. There is a change in our usual behavior. We spend more time on gadgets than with people. When we were young, we went to our neighbors for salt. Today, when we have everything, security has divided us into apartments. Online technologies allow us to talk to a person on the other side of the globe, but we do not remember the names of our neighbors.
The primitive system is not subject to loneliness. From time immemorial, people have survived together. This can be seen in the example of tribal lullabies that survive to this day.
Dear friend, I am sharing my poem with you. During periods of loneliness, he helped me.
And it’s not pain that hurts me, And it’s not sadness that bothers me, It’s just that something is missing, Loneliness hurts.
And they don’t wait for me at home, There is no one at home, Even though God is with me, I don’t care if I’m lonely.
But selfishness is a parody, I don’t want to divorce, I know the truth of the lonely, Those who stopped living.
And so I’m going home, So what if they don’t wait, But I’m waiting for guests, After all, someone needs a friend.
Loneliness. This is a familiar feeling for all of us.
It can develop into a fear of loneliness, which, in turn, can turn into avoidance of loneliness. And then you end up sending 1,000 messages a day, drowning out your feelings with alcohol or video games, or talking to people you don't even know. This is due to the fact that you do not want to be left alone with yourself, even for a few minutes. Or maybe you do the opposite - lock yourself in your room and completely ignore the world to avoid connecting with people.
When you feel lonely, it is almost impossible to get out of the vicious circle, because you are... alone.
The proverb says:
“The heart knows its own misfortune, and a stranger will not share its joy.”
(Proverbs of Solomon 14:10)
Each of us is fundamentally physically and psychologically separate from all other people, and although we may understand each other to a certain extent, we will still feel this separation. No one fully understands what it’s like to be you. No matter how you react to it, loneliness can be a big, painful problem for anyone.
Fighting the fear of loneliness
What is a woman really afraid of? She is afraid to be alone without a man, or afraid of the prospect of being alone with herself.
It is the latter: the feeling of being face-to-face with thoughts and experiences makes a woman rush to find a man. His role here is simple: to solve problems, to “close from the wind.” But the scenario is a failure in advance: for it to happen, some difficulties must appear on the man’s path, which he will solve.
Although it happens that soul-searching, identifying fears and behavior patterns leads to a positive outcome. A woman works through everything that slows her down and scares her. Perhaps she feels that the reason for her fear of being alone lies in the fact that she will not be able to provide for herself. Then it’s worth developing a professional vector to increase income. If a girl thinks that, in principle, due to external and internal shortcomings, no one will like her, it is worth dealing with her complexes.
What causes loneliness?
Have you ever wondered what we were created for? The Bible explains that the Creator created us for connection, for community. We often idealize romantic relationships and even friendships, thinking that if only we found the right person, we would never experience social deficits again.
But even very happy married men and women experience loneliness. We were determined not only to connect with other people, but also to connect with God.
Even wealth, achievements and honor are not enough to protect us from internal torment. Pop culture is full of these examples; the rampant divorces, suicides and drug use that litter the Hollywood landscape.
The Bible also contains stories of people from different walks of life: people who had everything but still felt alone, and others who had nothing but need and looked to the Lord to fill it. .
Solomon was the king of Israel who was given immense wisdom by God. And he literally had everything: huge piles of gold, a gigantic palace and hundreds of wives and concubines. You would think that Solomon would be the most contented man on Earth! But he wrote a book about how meaningless life is: “Yet, when I examined everything that my hands did and that I tried to achieve, everything was meaningless, chasing the wind; nothing has been achieved under the Sun." (Ecclesiastes 2:11). You can hear his deep despair in this statement!
Reasons for loneliness
- inability to build relationships;
- psychological problems;
- fear of not being accepted;
- wrong example of family relationships;
- the habit of looking for character flaws in others;
- put work first;
- a person's love of solitude;
- fear of others and new acquaintances;
- resentment if others did not pay attention to my uniqueness;
- an illness that tends to solitude;
- experiencing bad experiences of betrayal;
- low self-esteem;
- internet addiction;
- conflict, anger and excessive emotionality when criticizing;
- values that are harmful from the point of view of others;
- uncertainty and constant feelings of guilt;
- fear of not being liked
For comparison: one day, while walking around the city, Jesus met a man with leprosy. Then the disease was ten times more dangerous and terrible than it is now; people were afraid to catch her. Lepers were outcasts and outcasts, often abandoned by friends and relatives, and begging on the streets just to get something to eat.
Imagine this particular leper sitting in the dust and dirt, ignored by everyone who passes by. He had no one to turn to and he didn’t have a penny. But he stood up and came to Jesus, fell to his knees in the street and asked to cleanse him.
Jesus touched a leper—a man who had probably not been touched by another person for many years—and healed him. Now the outcast was delighted and told everyone about it, although Jesus asked not to tell anyone about it. His life suddenly found joy and meaning despite the fact that he still had no one and nothing. What changed the world of this former outcast so much? Just one short interaction with Jesus.
Seemingly indifferent adults can grow out of babies who were once very frightened
Not far from the Museum of Cosmonautics in Moscow there is a monument to Tsiolkovsky, who, as we know, became the founder of this very cosmonautics. Here Konstantin Eduardovich looks like a funny eccentric who sits on the grass and looks dreamily into the sky. Such a monument most accurately conveys the essence of this amazing person. Tsiolkovsky was a scientist who looked at the world through the eyes of a poet and artist. And no other person would have been able to discern the future starships in the hissing firecrackers. At that time, cars were just learning to drive, steamships were learning to sail, and airplanes were just learning to fly. However, Tsiolkovsky believed that someday people would create a completely different technology - rockets, with the help of which they would be able to escape beyond the Earth. As we now see, he was right.
But every coin has a downside. In his autobiography, Tsiolkovsky writes about his wife: “...It was time to get married, and I married her without love, hoping that such a wife would not twist me around, would work and would not stop me from doing the same. That hope was fully justified. Such a friend could not drain my strength either: firstly, she did not attract me, and secondly, she herself was indifferent and impassive. ...Was it good: married life without love? Is respect enough in a marriage? For those who have given themselves to higher goals, this is good. But he sacrifices his happiness and even the happiness of his family.”
This confession very convincingly demonstrates the emotional coldness of people with a schizoid personality type. It is immediately necessary to clarify that this is not a psychiatric diagnosis, but simply some feature that in itself does not in any way characterize a person’s mental health. People of this type often become scientists, artists, and writers. It is among them that geniuses like Tsiolkovsky are found, through whose efforts culture develops and civilization moves forward. However, the price for the richness of the inner world for schizoids is emotional restraint, the inability to clearly express their feelings.
The reason for this imbalance in development is again childhood trauma of a threat to life or loss of a sense of security. For Tsiolkovsky, such an injury was severe scarlet fever, from which he almost died at the age of ten. The deafness that developed as a result of complications cut the boy off forever from the world of sounds, and at the same time from studying at school, full-fledged communication, and playing with peers. From now on, all the forces of his soul were concentrated on the inner world of his own ideas, fantasies, and reflections. Communication and expression of one's feelings took a back seat.
However, a traumatic situation can arise even before the birth of a child, during the prenatal period. For example, if the pregnancy was unwanted and the mother was wondering whether to have an abortion, or the father demanded to get rid of the child, or there were simply loud quarrels with scandals in the family.
Naturally, the baby in the womb is not able to understand the meaning of what is happening, and during this period he still has nothing to understand. But he is a living being, closely connected with his mother by common metabolism. Accordingly, all the stress hormones that the mother experiences are transmitted to the baby. He does not yet understand that he can be killed, but he already quite realistically feels a threat to his life.
What does a living creature do when it senses danger from which it is unable to defend itself or escape? In such a situation, all living things usually freeze, trying to attract attention to themselves as little as possible. The body itself suddenly becomes your enemy, you want it to take up as little space as possible or disappear altogether. People who have been under fire at least once during hostilities know this well. And if such a traumatic experience was received by the baby even before birth, with a high degree of probability it can be assumed that its further development will occur according to the schizoid type. Science today does not provide an exact explanation for this dependence; it is only a theoretical model. But among practicing psychologists it does not raise any objections: each of them had many clients of the schizoid type who, as it later turned out, were unwanted children in their family.
For such people, the content of their inner world is much more important than the events happening in the world around them. They perceive their own body not as a part of their personality, but as an annoying burden that prevents a pure mind from cognizing the secrets of existence, thinking, and creating. That fear of death, which once forced them to shrink and pretend to be dead, continues to operate in them on an unconscious level.
Such people, as a rule, have poor contact with their body; they do not like it and care little about it. And since emotions act in the body and through the body, people of the schizoid type also have big problems in this area. Schizoids are poor comforters and insensitive listeners. It is difficult for them to have compassion for others or to be happy for someone, but not at all because they are heartless egoists. It’s just that their body is not accustomed to responding to feelings. Such people often do not know how to cry and be moved, are not able to easily start and maintain a friendly conversation, joyful laughter is almost unknown to them, and even an ordinary smile requires conscious effort. Therefore, it is not surprising that communicating with them can hurt loved ones. Especially if these loved ones themselves do not belong to the schizoid type and cannot understand the reason for the apparent coldness of these talented grown-up children, who were once frozen with fear for their lives and were never able to get out of their emotional stupor.
Thesis five:
We weren't alone
We are created for a relationship with the Creator
It is the only thing that can bring us out of loneliness because it is the connection we were created for. This single interaction with Jesus, who is the Son of God, brought meaning to life, comfort and joy to the leper, while untold riches and women did not bring inner happiness to Solomon. A personal relationship with the Almighty changes everything because it fulfills our deepest need. This is the answer to our problem of loneliness.
However, does a relationship with God protect us from feeling lonely for the rest of our time? No. Simply put, the world is broken. It's a complex story that you can read more about in the Bible, but our world is damaged. We are separated from God by our sin, by our desire to live separately from Heavenly Father. In this world, we cannot endure life as it should be, without loneliness, evil, sadness or fear.
How to deal with loneliness
Even though loneliness is a human reality without immediate treatment, there are two things that can be used here and now:
Since we are designed for interaction, a big part of the fight against loneliness is communication. No friend can save you from loneliness, but having people around you who care about you and who you are (not your body, skills, money or ability to drink) will help you see that you are are not in social isolation.
Some tips that will help you realize the advantages of loneliness and find a place in society:
- thoughts about self-development;
- the desire to simply enjoy the process;
- trainings in interest groups;
- general social events;
- read something that will put things in order in your head;
- attend holidays;
- relax with family and friends;
- don’t be afraid to take action and meet new people.
In fact, scientific research backs this up: the more friends you have and the more interactions you have, the better your health. All you have to do is Google “Health Benefits of Friendship.” Brene Brown, a researcher and expert on human interaction, explains it in the article as follows: “I define connection as the energy that exists between people when they feel seen, heard and valued; when they can give and receive without judgment; and when they find support and strength in relationships.” Sharing your innermost self with the people who love you can help you see beyond your own point of view and bring meaning to your life that you can remember in moments of loneliness.
The reason for isolation may be not only the fear of experiencing pain, but also a special type of narcissism
Another version of emotional insensitivity is described in the ancient myth of Narcissus. This hero once saw his reflection in the water and fell in love with it so much that he could not take his eyes off his own beauty. As a result, he died of hunger, and at the site of his inglorious death a flower grew, which was later named after him.
In everyday life, the image of a “narcissist” often means a sleek, handsome man who loves to twirl in front of the mirror, demonstrate his outstanding qualities to others and is quite pleased with himself. At the same time, for some reason, the fact is ignored that for Narcissus from the myth, his obsession with himself did not bring any joy. On the contrary, she forever cut him off, first from the world around him, and subsequently from life itself.
In psychology, the narcissistic personality type is the constant internal duality of a person between opposite poles - a sense of one’s own grandiosity and a feeling of one’s own insignificance.
Photo by Ivan Kashirin
What makes a narcissist imagine himself great is fear of the thought of his own ordinariness and shame for his lack of greatness. The reason for this sense of self is also childhood trauma, when emotionally cold parents ignored the child’s successes and achievements, did not rejoice at his small victories, but on occasion used his abilities to improve their own status. For example, they put him on a chair in front of the guests and forced him to read poetry, sing or play the violin.
As a result, such a child developed the belief that he can only be loved for his outstanding achievements. And he created in the depths of his soul the image of a certain “double” - grandiose, brilliant and superior in all respects to the ordinary people around him. Moreover, often this image can be based on his very real talents and merits, but in isolation from the rest of his personality, which he himself considers weak and insignificant.
The tragedy of a narcissist’s life lies in the replacement of his own integrity with this artificial “double”, which expresses only his strong part. The narcissist also really wants to be loved. But he believes that being like everyone else is shameful and unworthy of love. Therefore, he is very afraid to enter into close and trusting relationships. After all, anyone who comes too close to him can see his ordinariness. And for a narcissist, this is the worst thing that can happen to him.
Such people are very different in their behavior. Along with enchanting and bright egocentrics who love to be in the focus of everyone's attention, narcissists can also be withdrawn, experiencing their “grandiosity” exclusively in the depths of their own souls. And the closer another person gets to him, the greater the danger of “exposure” seems to the narcissist.
Then, in order not to feel the pain of shame for his own ordinaryness, he shows anticipatory rejection - he rejects others first, without waiting for such a terrifying outcome. A narcissist may claim that he doesn’t need anyone, devalue relationships, hide from loved ones behind a mask of cynicism or misunderstanding. But in fact, behind this external self-sufficiency lies enormous loneliness and desire for love.
Thesis four:
Who understands your loneliness
Sometimes it's hard to understand how trusting in a God you can't see can help you feel less alone
Friday night. But the Bible says God will never forsake his children, and he is close to all who call on His name. He loves you and wants a relationship with you. He wants you to come to Him when you are lonely!
And not only that, he understands. When Jesus was going through the worst hours of His life and was about to be crucified, His friends abandoned Him and even pretended not to know Him. Jesus knows what it is like to be a person abandoned by everyone. The Bible says, “The Lord is close to the brokenhearted and saves those who are crushed in spirit.” (Psalm 34:18). How would you feel when, in your deepest moment of loneliness, you knew someone was there with you? The God who created you is with you and will never leave you!
