Incredible facts
Some people believe that a person who does not love himself cannot love another person.
A person who is unable to love can be charming, beautiful and even generous. He wants to be loved, and it's not about you.
Many people believe that so-called narcissists cannot love others because they love themselves too much.
This is fundamentally wrong. Narcissists don't love themselves. They hate themselves and their ego is damaged. They demand love from others in order to feed on this love, but cannot give anything in return.
Irresponsible
People who do not love others try not to notice their own guilt for situations or relationships. They are not inclined to analyze their behavior and correct shortcomings.
Always asking for forgiveness and making excuses
Even if such a person admits a mistake, he immediately finds a lot of excuses for his actions. For example, that he was drunk or did not sleep well.
Making excuses and apologizing is a common thing for people without self-esteem who are incapable of loving others.
Hypopituitarism is a disease that prevents you from falling in love
Have you ever heard the term hypopituitarism? No? Consider yourself lucky, because hypopituitarism is a serious endocrine disease associated with the inability of the anterior pituitary gland to produce hormones. Other depressing consequences of the disease include the inability to love. The scary thing is that hypopituitarism has no cure. And although the condition can be controlled with hormone replacement therapy, not every person will be capable of such a feat as throwing tons of pills into the body every day, putting up with the side effects just to get a ghostly chance of loving someone. But let's not go into details and move on to less sad reasons.
Those who give up easily
Without love for others, a person will not win their favor. He will understand that he has extracted the maximum desired benefit from the communication and will forget about the interlocutor. He doesn't care what happens next.
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Lack of interest in personal growth
People who do not love others care little about themselves. They suffer from low salaries and problems at work, but are not ready to make efforts for personal growth and development.
Excessive self-love
Despite the fact that psychologists highlight a person’s love for himself as the basis for the ability to experience this feeling towards the world around him and other people, excessive concentration on himself can lead to negative consequences.
Morbid egoism and pathological narcissism can become the reasons why a person does not know how, cannot and does not want to love. Such a person is completely focused on himself, strives to please himself, constantly maintain the most comfortable living conditions, and fulfill exclusively his whims and desires. People with similar traits find it difficult not only to love, but also to build friendly or even working relationships.
Unsociable
It is quite logical that a person who has no interest in other people will avoid communication. This is not necessary, since this is a type of people who are limited by nature.
They are attacked by feelings of frustration or resentment that poison their consciousness. They are disappointed in everything and everyone, not excluding themselves. Such people never experience true happiness.
The problem comes from childhood
In a situation where the inability and inability to love originate in childhood, there may be two scenarios for the development of events.
- If there is no demonstration of feelings in the family, no conversations about emotions, and it is unacceptable to show one’s love, then the child gradually begins to develop an inability to love. He does not see in front of him the correct - adequate - model of behavior that he could adopt. For him, limitations of feelings become the norm. Therefore, having become an adult, such a person may feel confused, awkward or even angry when someone expresses romantic sympathy towards him or demands love from him. In the picture of the world of such people, the capacity for love simply does not exist. They don’t understand why this is needed, what the meaning is and why they should say some words or take any actions.
- Children who grew up in families in which they lacked warmth and affection, as a rule, also do not have the ability to love. Parents and those closest to them did not instill this skill in them, did not fill the child with love, did not form a sense of self-worth in him. As a rule, such individuals may seek a romantic relationship, but in order to fill an internal emptiness. They will bask in the feelings of other people or their passion, without giving anything in return.
Egocentrists
In the vocabulary of such people, the main words are “I” and “me.” It is important for them to communicate their point of view to others, regardless of the inappropriateness of such a statement. Egocentric people demonstrate uncompromising behavior towards anyone other than themselves.
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Reason 1. There are more interesting things to do
This sounds especially counterintuitive to those who view romantic relationships as incredibly valuable.
Is there really anything more exciting in the world than hugs and suffering? A survey by the British Pregnancy Advisory Service found that among British 16-18 year olds, family and education are much more important than sex and romantic relationships. 82% consider a career and higher education to be the greatest value, and not all this worldly stuff. If you are good-looking and intellectually gifted, why waste your energy on mental torment? Expertise and professionalism may be more attractive. If you want to build a rocket or make millions, then it’s understandable why you have no time for dating - you just have another leading activity. Nowhere is it written that we should devote our lives to the race for other people's genitals and spiritual unity, if there is writing, airplanes and anime.
With emotional deprivation disorders
Emotional deprivation is a disorder caused by a syndrome (group of symptoms) that occurs due to a complete lack of emotional connection with other people.
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People who are not aware of their own uniqueness, who do not know virtue in adolescence, experience problems with emotional development. They are unable to maintain relationships, because the stock of knowledge necessary for this is missing.
Demanding support and understanding from such a person is as illogical as entrusting a surgical operation to a person without medical education. Most likely, even in childhood, people deprived of the ability to love did not have the opportunity to demonstrate their feelings to their parents. This leads to problems in mature relationships.
Opinion of world-famous psychologist Veronica Leonova
Veronika Maksimovna Leonova, who graduated from various universities in Russia, has been living in Copenhagen since 2015, had her education and specialty as a psychologist confirmed by the Danish Supervisory Council and continues to actively do what she loves. She also talks interestingly about the problem of a person who does not know what love is.
In her opinion, there are a number of probable reasons that cause people difficulties with falling in love and building relationships:
- Excessive workload. An individual lives for himself and spins like a squirrel in a wheel - he runs to work, from there to advanced training, he also needs to drop by grandma’s, bring groceries, then write a dissertation... What kind of love is there? I wish I had time to sleep. And it’s not just that there’s no one to dive headfirst into romance, but there’s simply no time. Modern lifestyle offers a lot of alternatives to relationships - career, hobbies, sports, education, virtual communication, etc. To solve the problem, you need to set prerogatives and sacrifice something, freeing up time for falling in love.
- A negative example of a parental relationship. If from birth to adulthood you watch every day how your parents argue, insult each other and go “to the left,” then naturally you will develop denial. In such a situation, someone consciously avoids love, and someone unconsciously chooses a line of behavior that repels the opposite sex. It is unrealistically difficult to get rid of the attitude of dislike in a relationship on your own; it is better to work through the problem with a psychologist.
- Pressure from outside. When relatives, friends, acquaintances and society as a whole put pressure on us, we internally begin to resist. Pressure is expressed by stereotypes and phrases like “it’s time,” “I want grandchildren,” “while you think, all the good guys/girls will be taken away,” and the like. As a result, “you have to fall in love” turns into either a nasty potion or an obsession. There is nothing good in either. You can try to cope with the problem yourself, forgetting about “should”, or seek help from a professional.
- Side effect of depression. After suffering from depression, a person experiences difficulty getting pleasure from anything. At the same time, he is energetically exhausted, he has no time for relationships, he first needs to recover.
- Low libido. Some person may really like you, but he will not show the feelings he experiences, because he is indifferent to sex, but believes that this is abnormal. Due to low libido and the complex associated with it, he simply cannot allow himself to truly fall in love. There is a way out, and even two - to work through the libido problem with a sex therapist or look for a like-minded person (in fact, there are many such people, it’s just that everyone is embarrassed to directly express their attitude towards sex to a potential soulmate).
- Virtual love. An affair on a social network, in an online game or on a dating site is commonplace. It’s so easy to build relationships at a distance without transferring them into a real format. But virtual love, in terms of passion and intensity of feelings, is far from real and rarely leads to the creation of a family and other attributes of a strong relationship. But this is everyone's choice. Sometimes the Internet projection of falling in love contributes to the experience of vivid emotions and feelings, but caused more by our imagination than by the recipient’s response.
Each of the reasons described is not total. The problem can be solved, but first of all, you yourself must want it. And not only want, but be ready to work on yourself and change your lifestyle. If you don’t want to change, you can’t fall in love, but you’re happy with it, then the problem doesn’t exist. Your life is your choice – that’s what Veronica Leonova says.
The result of the life of a person who does not know how to love
A person who does not experience love will end up with a terrible life. He is left alone with his negativity and loneliness, which inevitably leads to the development of health problems.
Even if such people strive for intimacy, they will face serious failures in this regard, since they do not know how to build healthy relationships. From a lack of love, a person’s life becomes sad and meaningless. To prevent this from happening, it is important to cultivate emotional intelligence in a child during childhood.
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What does sexologist and psychotherapist Alexander Poleev say?
The famous psychotherapist, sexologist and professor at the Institute of Psychoanalysis, Alexander Moiseevich Poleev, has his own opinion on this matter.
He talks about romantic love as a complex and very important phenomenon that can really happen no more than three times in life. When a person loves, he experiences not only emotional uplift and euphoria, but also feelings such as melancholy, jealousy, irritation, etc. Therefore, love is not only a beautiful, but also an exhausting phenomenon. It is based on a double thinking error:
- The first mistake is idealization. This is when the object of adoration seems ideal in everything, although in principle such people do not exist.
- The second mistake is singleness, when it seems that only he alone will make you happy.
That is why, when we meet a person who seems ideal to us, the one and only, we experience a feeling of love. It’s easier for men in this regard, because their idea of the uniqueness of their partner (by the will of nature) is much less expressed.
So, some people do not idealize anyone, not because they are smarter or more cunning than others, but because of the fear of dependence or excessive criticism of themselves and others. Therefore, a priori they cannot fall in love, since love without idealization is impossible. Such people live in society, see examples of friends, read books, watch films and understand that they are deprived of something important. They often ask the question: “why does everyone know how to love, but I can’t?” One day they resign themselves and start a relationship for the sake of relationships or family and procreation. Such marriages, as a rule, do not last long, but there are exceptions.
Alexander Moiseevich considers the inability to fall in love to be a curable disease. He says the treatment process is long, complex and labor-intensive. After all, first you will have to deal with the huge “tail” of psychological problems - excessive self-criticism, inability to overcome neurotic complexes, lack of sexuality and others.
Think about what you mean by “love”
Thanks to books and films, we think that this is a powerful feeling that unsettles us and literally turns our whole life upside down. That these are continuous dramas and tears, butterflies fluttering in the stomach, fiery passions, obsession that deprives one of reason and makes a loved one the center of the Universe. Moreover, according to the laws of the genre, all this fireworks should begin almost immediately after meeting with the same or that one.
Few people put on the big screen stories about how two people quietly and calmly came together against the backdrop of common interests, just as quietly got married and lived for themselves, without creating scenes of jealousy and stormy breakups, without tearing each other’s clothes in a fit of passion and without throwing up. concerts under the windows. Although in real life this is exactly how “boring” everything often happens.
Psychologists are more than skeptical about crazy passionate love, which is so often romanticized, and believe that it is not love, but a dangerous pathological condition that causes addiction. It is not feelings as such that make us seek thrills, commit rash actions and enter into unhealthy relationships, but a hormonal cocktail of oxytocin, norepinephrine and dopamine. He provokes what we take for love.
It has many forms and manifestations, and most of them are not at all as bright as in cinema and literature. Feelings may not come immediately - only a third of study participants say Scientists explain 'love at first sight' that they experienced love at first sight. And feelings can be soft and calm.
If there is a person in your life with whom you want to be close and without whom you feel sad, it is quite possible that this is love.
Illustration: Anna Guridova / Lifehacker
Signs of a narcissistic personality
You are unlikely to be able to change a person who cleverly manipulates others and is busy insulting, humiliating and intimidating. Here, the ability to love is not associated with a mental diagnosis, and there is no effective therapy for this disorder. To assess the situation, listen to your inner voice and rely on your feelings. If you are uncomfortable with this person, if you are afraid of him, if you don’t know what to expect from him in the next minute, run from him like fire. It will never change and can be quite unpredictable.
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Ability for meanness
Another strong narcissistic trait is the capacity for meanness and antisocial behavior. At school, this person could have a reputation as a notorious hooligan or be registered with the juvenile affairs commission. In his adult life, the nickname “boor” firmly stuck to him. Despite his arrogance, anger, hatred of others, desire to insult and humiliate others, a narcissistic person is regarded as an immature person. The so-called school bully syndrome is not just a desire to insult or be sarcastic. When communicating with people, the narcissist belittles the merits of others, forgetting about justice and decency.
Lack of empathy
Another clearest sign of a personality disorder is a lack of empathy. It is no secret that each of us at one time or another can exhibit narcissistic or selfish tendencies. However, people tend to admit their mistakes and change their relationship strategy. A narcissist cannot do this because he does not know how to truly get close to other people, he is not familiar with the principles of mutual assistance, he does not know empathy and pity.
Reason 7. It's all social networks! There are exes there
The presence of exes on social networks does not increase the chances of new love. Israeli and American scientists have found that scrolling and crying in the news feed destroys budding attachments. This works both ways. You can be indignant because of your ex-partner’s obsessive selfies in Instagram stories, and you can be nervous because of the constant comparisons of yourself with his new passion. Emerging couples aged 18–24 years are especially susceptible to this. It is very difficult to love when it seems that you are unworthy of it and worse than previous partners on all fronts. Most likely, this is not true, but sometimes it is difficult to believe it.
When does narcissistic personality disorder appear?
Most often, a personality disorder begins to show its first signs in early adulthood. This mental disorder is characterized by disregard for the opinions and feelings of other people, delusions of grandeur, obsessive thoughts and the desire for selfish goals. Not every narcissistic person has all these traits at the same time. But there are also narcissists who “pass” in all respects (clinical personality disorder). It is impossible to build a harmonious relationship with people who do not want to spend their energy on their partner. In a couple where one spouse is a narcissist, the exchange of energy is like a one-way street. This union is beneficial only to one person, but for another it is a waste of time.
Angry reaction to criticism
The narcissist does not know how to gratefully accept words of constructive criticism. Even if you make a minor reprimand to him, he will immediately flare up in anger. In order to somehow even out the chances, a narcissistic person attacks the person criticizing him with unfounded accusations and insults. In response, he can endlessly criticize his partner, citing the desire to improve his other half. It seems that offense really is the best defense. That is why you are always “to blame” for his actions.
Reason 6. Unprecedented perfectionism
The inability to fall in love can also be associated with high demands: for a partner to be both beautiful and smart, and also capable of empathy and love board games. The list does not fit in small handwriting on an A2 sheet.
You can fight this only by getting rid of general perfectionism, and not just one manifestation of it. But even if you manage to find a partner, despite the demands, your relationship is under threat.
The University of York found that perfectionists are more likely to enter into destructive relationships and behave maladaptively in a couple, become more attached to their partner and require unprecedented dedication.
It doesn't end well, so check yourself for perfectionism and live happily. Perhaps you just need to lower your demands on your partner.
Reason 4. Large personal space
Scientists at the University of Chicago found that people with more private space feel lonelier than those with smaller intimate spaces. The evolutionary model of loneliness implies that people need to stick together: it is more profitable and safer. When a person is left alone, he experiences a feeling of loneliness - a signal for unification.
We feel sad and unpleasant, because the body gives the command to change something and quickly join the pack - this way there is a greater chance of survival.
Stimulus - reaction, and now you are with your friends at the bar.
But for some it just doesn’t work that way. Too much personal space and the feeling that the danger comes from contacts, and not from external threats, does not allow one to obey the signal of unification. So all I can do is sit at home in the evenings.
Reason 3. Narcissism from all angles
Why do you need someone else if you have yourself? Love comes and goes, and you are mom’s only sunshine. No attachments become meaningful or deep. You just don't feel anything and don't understand at all why your partner is upset. Tyrannize and tyrannize, not noticing your coldness and passion for your own life.
Narcissism is not so much about kissing yourself from toes to hangers, but a fundamental concentration on one’s own person. You can hate yourself, beat yourself with mental whips, but still remain a narcissist. It’s hard to indulge in groans, sighs and “Oh my God, she has such eyes!” if all the attention is given only to yourself and no one else. Check the boxes where they wrote about you in the DSM-V, the authoritative edition of the Diagnostic and Statistical Manual of Mental Disorders:
- A person defines himself through the opinions of other people and cannot rely on his own point of view. If they like you, then you are good, if they don’t like you, then you are bad. As a result, self-esteem regularly jumps between “I’m a sad piece of shit” and “I’m the king of this world and the next president.” Mood and ability to work completely depend on these fluctuations.
- All life goals revolve around receiving admiration and recognition from others. Such a person has extremely high demands on himself, and failure to meet them is fraught with failure, and compliance gives a feeling of grandiosity.
- There is a lack of empathy, that is, the ability to understand the feelings and needs of other people is impaired. A person is empathetic only if the behavior and emotions directly concern him.
- Any relationship is superficial and based on selfish interests. Reciprocity and emotional penetration are minimal.
- A person opposes himself to others, believes that he has the exclusive right to all existing benefits, and those around him owe him, because he is fundamentally better, cooler and more beautiful. Treats "plebeians" condescendingly.
- A person is trying hard to impress others and focus all the spotlight on his incredible person.
You should sound the alarm if you have ticked the first two points plus the third or fourth. The fifth and sixth are so, personality traits and consequences. You can read about the difficult fate of narcissists and why it is so difficult for them to establish deep personal contacts in the book “Hell's Web” by Sandy Hotchkiss. How to survive in a world of narcissism."
