The story of a failed love experience is something most of us can relate to, and the question of why a relationship fails is a painful one that touches us to the core. We can find the answer within ourselves. Whether you know it or not, many people are afraid to truly fall in love. Everyone’s fear manifests itself in its own way; this can happen both on the first date and after a few years.
And everything happens for the reason that we all turn on some kind of defense, which, we believe, at some level will protect us from insults and disappointments. These defenses may give us a false illusion of security, but they still prevent us from achieving intimacy with the person we really like, whom our heart has chosen. What makes us afraid of intimacy? What prevents many people from finding and keeping the love they have been waiting for?
We become vulnerable when we truly love
Any beginning relationship can be compared to a walk through a dark forest. This is uncharted territory, and many people have natural, normal, justifiable fears of the unknown. Love is a kind of risk. We begin to faithfully trust our partner, thereby allowing him to influence us.
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In such a situation we feel vulnerable. The main subconscious defense becomes dull. All the habits that were there before this connection allowed me to feel focused or self-sufficient, but then they begin to fade into the background. We tend to believe that the more we care about a person, the more we may suffer.
Signs of philophobia
To figure out if you are one of those who are afraid of falling in love, there are several signs that may indicate that you have philophobia.
You can't let go of the past
One of the first symptoms of philophobia is related to past traumas.
Typically, people who are afraid of falling in love have a lot of emotional baggage from their past relationships. These could be experiences associated with one’s own mistakes or the actions of a partner, moral and physical violence in a relationship, a scandal during a breakup, or the very fact of a breakup. These experiences are a heavy burden for philophobes and do not allow them to move on.
In order to get rid of philophobia, you will have to work through the past with a psychotherapist or try to let it go on your own. We told you how to do this here.
You can't open up to others
For philophobes, the main fear may not be love itself, but the fact that in a relationship it is necessary to open up to another person. It is this emotional attachment that is established with a partner that frightens them. They are afraid of being judged if they are themselves with someone or simply cannot do this due to their isolation or closed nature.
This applies not only to romantic relationships - philophobes find it difficult to open up to friends, acquaintances or relatives. At the same time, they may have quite a lot of acquaintances and friends, but such people are unlikely to be able to reveal their own “I” to them.
You have trust issues
If in the past you were betrayed or “stabbed in the back” by those closest to you, you may stop trusting even those closest to you.
When you no longer have faith that people can be good, you become overly cautious, especially in romantic relationships.
One sign that you have philophobia is a problem with trust. You think that everyone you meet will hurt you or take advantage of your feelings in some way.
Do you appreciate solitude
Another sign that you have a fear of falling in love is that you value your own loneliness most of all.
Especially if you have accepted it to such an extent that you cannot imagine sharing your life with anyone else or have completely given up on love. The last thing you want is to compromise with someone or make sacrifices for the sake of the relationship. You have your own rhythm and habits that you follow, and you are not ready to change them and adapt to someone else.
And lonely life is a comfort zone for philophobes. This is what they are used to, and it is really difficult for them to give it up, even if they understand that they want to change their life.
Do you feel caged while in a relationship?
The thought of having to devote yourself to just one person for the rest of your life scares the hell out of you. You just can't imagine yourself being so attached to someone. Not only that, but every romantic relationship makes you feel caged or trapped.
Whenever you try to get into a relationship or even think about doing it, you feel anxious about whether you are doing the right thing. You see romantic relationships as something that deprives you of individuality and freedom, and changes you as a person.
In fact, you love to be in complete control of your life, and emotions and falling in love can deprive you of this opportunity. And the very thought that something like this will happen makes you afraid of relationships and affection.
The past influences new relationships
When we enter into a relationship, we are completely unaware, unaware of how much the past can affect it. How we've been hurt in previous relationships, dating back to childhood, has a strong impact on how we see the people we allow close to us, as well as how we will behave in those romantic relationships.
Past negative experiences can make us wary, afraid to open our souls to someone new. We may shy away from intimacy because it brings up old feelings from a painful relationship, loss, anger, or abandonment. When you strive to experience love again, and it is associated with pain you felt in the past, it is difficult to build a relationship.
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1st type. Disappointed
The main reason : personality viscosity.
In psychology there is such a term - personality viscosity. Such people are characterized by a lack of flexibility, immaturity of the psyche, they get stuck in stress, do not fight it, constantly delve into their problem, analyze something and regularly press the red pain button. Having experienced a strong disappointment in love, they did not let go of the situation, did not get out of it, did not process it, did not adapt to the new life, did not forget anything and continue to be stressed. After the experience, they can no longer imagine that it could be different. For them, love equals suffering.
Do you want your wish to come true? We invite you to a transformational psychological game that will make your dreams come true!
Love challenges subconscious attitudes
Many people consider themselves unattractive and have an inferiority complex. We have problems with self-esteem, we are afraid that no one will really care about us. We all have what we call a critical inner voice that acts like a cruel coach that tells us that we are worthless or undeserving of happiness. This “coach” is formed from the painful experiences of childhood and critical attitudes to which we were exposed in early adulthood, as well as the feelings that our parents had for each other.
Of course, such an initial attitude towards the situation slows us down, but these attitudes are already firmly ingrained in our heads. When we become adults, it’s time to get rid of such thoughts, to work on our mistakes, so to speak, but instead we accept such a destructive point of view as our own. These critical thoughts (or inner voices) are often harmful and unpleasant, and can destroy relationships at a very early stage. When a person sees us completely differently, loves our voice, simply appreciates us, we begin to feel uncomfortable and defensive.
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What causes philophobia
The causes of philophobia are not always obvious and understandable even to the person who suffers from it. However, there are a few common facts that make people afraid of love.
Relationships in the parental family
A parent's divorce or negative relationship can be a very traumatic experience for their child and lead to fears about relationships and attachment. This can be affected by any violence or abuse within the walls of the parental home. It is the relationship with parents, as well as the relationship between parents, that is the most common reason for the fear of falling in love in their children.
Anxiety disorder
People with an anxiety disorder experience constant, intense worry. It appears for a number of individual reasons and persists for a long time. Since an anxiety disorder can be accompanied by a “set” of fears, philophobia can also be one of them.
People with anxiety disorders often have low self-esteem, which may also make them afraid of falling in love. They may also think that no one will love them or that they don’t deserve it. They are afraid of being rejected, and this can also be the reason for the development of philophobia.
With true joy always comes pain
Every time we experience true joy on an emotional level or begin to realize the full value of life, it is impossible to avoid sadness.
Many people avoid things that can give us happiness, because later they make us feel unbearable pain. When it comes to falling in love, we are afraid to give ourselves completely to this feeling because we are afraid of sadness.
How to start a conversation about feelings?
Feelings are born with loved ones. They could be spouses, parents, friends. Discussing the relationship with them will be the right move for both parties.
Before starting a conversation, consider the situation and share with your partner. In order to convey feelings and misunderstandings to your interlocutor, you must know that you are different people, and your partner may have different views, ideas, point of view. You can ask your partner for something without blaming or complaining, but by asking for help. Formulate your thought clearly so that it helps you. If you speak upset, uncertain, confused, then this is not perceived so sharply. Be sure to use first-person words in your wishes. You must have a clear goal to be heard. Therefore, speak every word clearly, clearly and precisely. Otherwise, your messages and conversations will only be for expressing your grievances, complaints, and dissatisfaction. In addition to mutual claims and negative feelings in your relationship, there are also feelings of affection and love. So, tell your loved one that you are proud of him, love him, and enjoy his actions. Do not hesitate to inform your partner about this, since then there will be few situations with mutual claims.
Feelings are a subtle and mysterious thing. If a person gets burned once, he will remember this lesson for the rest of his life. He will not open his heart and feelings to another person until he is sure of his attitude. He will remain silent until confidence comes. There is no point in opening your soul and talking about your feelings to a person who is indifferent to you.
Good luck to you. Let your relationships with your loved ones, loved ones and friends become more harmonious. Don't be shy about opening up your feelings to someone close to you. Get satisfaction and enjoyment from it.
Love is often an uphill battle
Many people show indecision at the beginning of a relationship, all because they believe that this person “loves them too much.” They fear that if they completely lose themselves in someone, their own feelings will not develop and this will end up hurting the other person. He may feel rejected, which will hurt.
The truth is that love is often unbalanced. Today we feel one thing, and tomorrow we feel something completely different. Our feelings change at a rapid pace. In a matter of seconds we can experience anger, extreme irritation, joy, and hatred. And all this in relation to the person we are crazy about. Worrying about how we feel causes us a lot of problems. It's better to be open and watch how feelings develop. And all these stupid fears about what and how we feel prevent us from getting to know our partner, building meaningful relationships, and finding happiness.
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Fear of relationships: how to get rid of it
In any situation involving feelings and intimacy, the only person you can control is yourself. You have to decide who to be with. It is important to take several actions to begin to break down internal barriers.
Face your phobias head on. To avoid giving in to fears, it is important to first admit that you have them. Avoiding the conditions that cause them is not a solution, but makes the problem worse.
Philophobia usually occurs after a bad experience with a previous partner, so gradually letting go of negative emotional memories will lead to you being able to open up to love.
Learn to manage your emotions. Feelings change thinking and can go out of control if left unchecked. One must try to leave behind all irrational thoughts created by past experiences and expectations for the future.
Trust people. Keeping all negative feelings inside yourself is very dangerous.
Communication is key. You must open up to people you trust. A simple conversation with a loved one will make you look at things differently and help reduce emotional stress.
Give yourself time. Emotional wounds can take days, weeks, or even months to heal. Take time to properly focus on your life and learn to live with yourself, discover new experiences and find ways to be happy.
Seek help if necessary. Since this is an anxiety disorder, it is recommended to see a psychologist or psychotherapist. He will give you recommendations so that you can understand where your illness is coming from and prescribe treatment.
Olga F.
The connection with family will not be as strong
A relationship is a symbol of you having matured, it is the beginning of your own life as free individuals, capable of making decisions, making plans, etc.
Such a development in relationships may portend a separation from your family. This does not mean that we are literally abandoning our family, but rather that the emotional attachment will no longer be as strong. There is no need to be afraid of this, this is a normal phenomenon.
Why not show tenderness?
Many men, when showing tenderness, think that they are becoming weak and powerless. They are wrong. There is no strength, rigidity, or indifference in tenderness. But these are not the only qualities that characterize people.
They have care and tenderness for people and animals. This could be mother or father, brothers or sisters, spouses. Therefore, do not be shy, give this feeling to your loved ones and enjoy. After all, there is nothing more beautiful when you see how your wife, sister or mother blooms from gentle signs of attention.
People become happy, the family becomes happier, healthier, feeling inner harmony.
Mother nature puts feeling in every living creature. Animals can openly demonstrate their tenderness, but people have complexes about the fact that if he is attentive, caring and gentle, they will sit on his neck. This is wrong, do not follow such misconceptions.
Adults should be an example for children and show warmth and tenderness. They must teach them to be affectionate, gentle and friendly. Such children will be filled with inner joy, care, sensuality, warmth and will give you the same tenderness and affection. Their future lives will also be filled with positive, joyful days. But not every one of them can raise them this way if they themselves consider it weakness and stupidity. Therefore, there are children who grow up and become callous, rigid and overly strict people. Tenderness is a wonderful feeling.
Love excites existential fears
The more we love, the more afraid we are of losing our dearest and dearest person. Moreover, all fears are connected not only with this, we are afraid of realizing the fact that we ourselves are mortal. Life has acquired enormous meaning, and the thought of its possible loss becomes scary. In an effort to hide this fear, we focus on more obvious, mundane problems, such as quarrels, conflicts, or, in extreme cases, a complete break in the relationship. We are practically unaware of how we protect ourselves from such fears; we come up with hundreds of reasons why we shouldn’t be in a relationship. However, some of them lead to real decisions, and what really motivates us to think about certain thoughts is the fear of loss.
There are problems in many relationships. Understanding our fears of intimacy, accepting them and how they influence our behavior is an important step towards a fulfilling long-term relationship. These fears can be masked by various explanations for why our relationships aren't working out. But we might be surprised by all the ways we sabotage ourselves when we fall in love. By getting to know ourselves, we give ourselves a real chance to find and keep love. Don't let stupid fears and complexes block real happiness from you.
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Men and feelings
Men often have complexes with expressing emotions. Many parents tell boys from childhood that feelings are for girls, and a man should be strict, without tenderness and affection. This is incorrect upbringing and can have negative consequences in the future. As adults, they become hidden people and are afraid to show emotions.
The strongest half of humanity lives with their heads and cold calculations. They put logic first. This in turn says that they have a vulnerable soul, since it is his defensive reaction that helps him. But feelings are inherent in all people.
Men are on the side of action and if they like a girl, he will definitely get her. But he is not always sure that the feelings are reciprocal and is afraid to act. He is afraid of a smile, refusal, rudeness on her part.
From fear to love one step
The state of fear is primary, and then it doesn’t matter what exactly I’m afraid of, the psyche will definitely find a frightening object. Be it the loss of love, or rather the loss of acute emotions associated with this experience, or the fear of contracting a serious illness.
And if we consider that the highest value for a developed person with a visual vector is love, which he can experience like no one else, then the fear of losing it can bring the greatest suffering and is equated to a real life catastrophe. After all, in fact, the fear of loss is not the fear that you will stop loving. And the hidden fear that they will stop loving you. Especially when an emotional connection with another person is the only meaning of life for him, and all the enormous potential of sensuality is directed only at his partner.
At some point (and it definitely comes, sooner or later), the first acute emotions that lovers experience begin to be lacking, and the person begins to fill these voids with negative experiences (fears, obsessive thoughts, panic attacks).
The intensity of unrealized feelings and the lack of acute emotions will certainly find a way out through painful conditions, taking away the joy of love for a loved one.
Fortune telling for love
He loves - he doesn’t love, he will spit, or maybe he will take it and kiss it. As a child, these issues were easily resolved. You take chamomile and get the answer: he loves you. If the first seven daisies do not give the desired answer, then the main thing is not to give up: one of them will definitely end on the desired petal. In adulthood, the methods of clarifying the question “does he love?”, of course, have changed, but no one has canceled chamomile.
But what to do when the question is different. Not “do they love me?”, but “do I love?” It would seem, what could be simpler? Who knows us better than ourselves? And even if there are doubts about your feelings, sooner or later the answer will come.
“And in general: either you love or you don’t,” I thought so confidently, until I encountered a situation that happened with one person close to me.
I feel, therefore I live
People with a visual vector want to love and be loved. But it is not always possible to experience a state of love euphoria. And for a number of reasons, they suddenly “fall” into a state of fear.
The cause of fear may be overstress, for example, a severance of an emotional connection with a close (loved) person. Or a long-term lack of self-realization in society, for example, if a visual person left work, where there were many opportunities for communication, creating emotional connections, new experiences and helping other people. Another reason may be the lack of skill to correctly apply one’s mental properties in life and enjoy it.
When the state of fear becomes a way of life and a constant companion, then it no longer matters what exactly in the outside world causes it. And then every day the viewer experiences fear, excitement, panic, anxiety, and phobias almost constantly. And the reasons that cause them simply replace each other. Thus, the fear of heights is replaced by a fear of insects. And fear for one’s life can at any moment take the form of fear of closed spaces and panic attacks.
Obsessive, frightening thoughts take away the joy of life and turn it into continuous torment. In this way, a person fills himself with acute experiences and receives the emotions he needs. But such emotions do not bring him joy.
Born in fear of love... capable
In a couple relationship, a lover is limited in giving his feelings to only one person. Even in the happiest couple relationships, there is a feeling that you want to love more, more and more, but this is simply impossible.
Born for love, people with a visual vector often suffer in the snares of various fears. As System-Vector Psychology of Yuri Burlan explains to us, the root emotion of the viewer is the fear of death, hidden in the unconscious, and other fears are only forms of its manifestation.
At the same time, fear, brought out through compassion and empathy for others, is transformed into a state of love and a number of other good emotional and sensory states.
Realizing his potential in interaction with other people, a person with a visual vector experiences positive feelings filling him, and when he withdraws into himself and his sensations, feelings and emotions, he experiences negative states, for example, various fears and phobias.
