Psychology of a pregnant woman - advice to her husband. How to survive your wife's pregnancy

Recently, women victims of domestic tyranny are increasingly turning to me with requests for help in a terrible situation of domestic violence. They tell terrible stories of their lives, and then ask: what to do if a husband beats his wife and children, mocks him, but has nowhere to go, has no relatives or friends, or is it scary to leave / file for divorce from a tyrant - the husband threatens to kill, maim, take away child...

My dears! I can only help with advice regarding psychology, your relationship with yourself. I'm not a lawyer, a police officer, or a doctor. I advise you to work on yourself, without getting a divorce right away, in order to get rid of the tyrant husband within you, to leave the relationship with him not with trauma, but with victory. But if everything is completely scary for you and there is a threat to the life or health of you and your children, then you should not think about working on yourself, but about salvation! You will come to your senses later when you and your children are out of danger.

Get ready for a ton of questions

If your wife is trying to get pregnant as planned, you will have to listen to many questions that make you think about the meaning of life: what if she is terminally ill? Why do other women give birth when they shouldn't? Or maybe you need to get checked too? What if she's barren - won't you leave her? Is it true that you cannot adopt a normal child in orphanages?

And then it happened. Woe betide you if you don't dance around the room kissing a pregnancy test. And a very difficult fate awaits the unmarried Don Juan who dares to utter the phrase “Is this from me?”, even if there are grounds for such suspicions. Leave - she will not leave, after all, the instinct of a pregnant female forces you to hold on to the breadwinner and support (if according to your passport you are still not the breadwinner and support, you will be forced to become one), but hysteria, breaking dishes and a meticulous listing of all your former lovers, including bedmate in kindergarten, you're guaranteed.

There are women who carry a child, almost forgetting about it. But approximately 50% of expectant mothers diversify the morning of their “halves” with melancholy sounds from the toilet. The most literate part of the 50% will find information in the book that to overcome nausea you need to eat without getting out of bed. So it makes sense to learn in advance to crawl into the kitchen and find food without opening your sleepy eyes, because your dear spouse will sleep all day and half the night, but at dawn they, along with insomnia, will wash the floor, cook breakfast and write letters .

Ways to curb a domestic abuser

Having realized her role as a victim of domestic violence, a woman needs to decide what measures will take control of the situation. An important fact is that domestic abusers are afraid of publicity and outside interference. It would be reasonable for a woman to follow simple rules:

If you need outside help - relatives, neighbors, law enforcement agencies - you need to ask for and accept it without hesitation. Testimony from outsiders will help prove the beating - embarrassment is also inappropriate here.
You should think through and prepare a place for temporary residence after leaving the rapist; these could be apartments of relatives and friends, city shelters.
You will need to pack a bag with essentials, medicines, important documents or their notarized copies and give them to a trusted person for safekeeping.
You will have to instill in yourself the habit of carrying the keys to your home or vehicle in your pockets, which will allow you to avoid becoming a hostage to the aggressor and return to your apartment if necessary. A good option is to make duplicates and give them to loved ones.
When the victim is finally ready to leave the rapist, all information about the possible location will need to be destroyed.
The telephone number of the crisis center for victims of violence should be remembered by heart, the same applies to the police station, hospital, capable of organizing the necessary assistance to women and children.

Having realized the seriousness of a woman’s intentions, a man is also capable of change, for which he will need to learn to redirect aggression to physical activity and overcome the desire to implement negative behavioral models. But it is necessary to understand that independent changes for the better are possible only when there are no addictions and mental pathologies.

Crazy or need?

In the first three months everything is wrong, everything is annoying.
If you're unshaven, shave, otherwise you'll hurt yourself. Shaven - go away, you stink of soap. And let’s take the deodorant, the same stimulating one, personally chosen for her - God forbid! Go to the North Pole to smoke and don’t come back without an orange. And right now, because in forty minutes she no longer wants an orange, but she needs a cucumber, and certainly her mother’s pickle, and at half past two in the morning she will die without plum compote. Freaks? Maybe. But most wild peoples believe that if the whims of a pregnant woman are not satisfied, the child will be sick or retarded. Modern science partially confirms this: a woman wants exactly what is necessary for the child or her own body. Even the passion for inhaling car exhaust is justified and means anemia, which must be urgently treated. Is it hard? What does it feel like for her to be scared by the toilet in the morning? In many nations, a pregnant woman personifies the Mother of all humanity. You are going to hate this humanity, because... it is represented in your home by the Mother, who grieves for absolutely everyone, including the grilled chicken that is baking in the oven - after all, she could have had chickens. And what kind of jacket the relatives gave for the baby - there are no words, only tears - how wonderful. And if you don’t have the strength or insight to sympathize with a chicken or a jacket, your wife’s reaction will be even cooler, like when watching “Titanic”.

You will forcibly become an Indian named Big Ear, learn to understand anatomy and pharmacology and, in the end, you will be able to convince your wife that the child will not be born a deformity if she does not buy the prescribed dietary supplements. When you see children's things and magazines for young mothers, for the purpose of self-preservation, it is recommended to at least sigh in admiration, if your “honest pioneer” upbringing does not allow you to blatantly lie that this also makes you squeak.

Husband constantly insults and humiliates: advice from a psychologist

Illustrative photo: pexels.com Sometimes relationships between a man and a woman are marred by the fact that one of the partners allows himself to insult the other. This can happen during a quarrel, discontent, misunderstanding, or even for no apparent reason.

Having heard insults directed at oneself from a stranger, any person chooses between a biting remark in response and a simple cessation of communication.

A completely different situation arises when unpleasant expressions come from one of the spouses. A husband insults or a wife humiliates her husband is a fairly common problem in many married couples.

Psychologist Vladimir Reshetnikov tells more about why insults occur in relationships and how to fix it on his Instagram blog.

If you are in a relationship with a person whose value system and psychological state allows him to insult you, then you may not notice how such behavior becomes the norm.

At first, he may speak negatively and humiliatingly about other people or former relationships: “Yes, she’s a fool.”
Subsequently, he speaks disparagingly about some of your actions: “you’d have to be a fool not to notice this.”
Then he insults you indirectly: “Well, you’re not stupid, or what?”
And, at some point, he switches to direct insults: “What a fool you are!”

“All this for you, especially if you are prone to codependency, can happen very unnoticed. You resist, argue, but he stands his ground.

You give in, trying to find the reason for the events, his words and actions. Of course, you will find some reason in yourself and will try to correct yourself, expecting that he will stop hurting you.

But for him, with his value system, insults, direct or indirect, are already a way to control your self-esteem.

Low self-esteem inflates your feelings of guilt even for those situations in which you are clearly not to blame, but you still, in the absence of internal support, justify it.

And so, at some point, you ask the question: “maybe I’m really a fool?” “You are completely confused, not understanding who is right and who is wrong,” writes the expert ( hereinafter the author's spelling and punctuation have been preserved - editor's note)

Vladimir Reshetnikov emphasizes that if your partner allows himself to insult you, this means that the problems are not with you, but with him.

According to the specialist, insults are an extremely painful form of psychological violence, similar to physical or sexual violence.

“Insults are a brazen and treacherous violation of a person’s personal boundaries that cannot be justified under any circumstances,” he says.

If you are being abused by your partner, consider:

What values and attitudes do you have that lead you to tolerate abuse?
How are boundaries built in your relationships?
How well do you understand how you can and cannot be treated?
Do you allow yourself to violate your partner's personal boundaries?
Why are you still with him?

Original article: https://www.nur.kz/family/relationship/1936283-muzh-postoyanno-oskorblyaet-i-unizhaet-sovety-psihologa/

The husband is to blame for all the troubles

About thirty weeks into your pregnancy (towards the end), you will have to make renovations in your apartment. It doesn't matter that you did it six months ago. And let the tiles shine and the wallpaper still clean. You can whitewash the ceilings or change the baseboards, buy new curtains and line the balcony with clapboard. It doesn't really matter what exactly you do. At least draw balls on the wallpaper by hand. If you don’t do this, she will do it, because there is a terrible instinct wandering within her - the instinct of nesting. To somehow relieve the tension, you can slip her a book on patchwork techniques - let her make a blanket for the child, this will distract her from painting the windows. Do not give her uncontrollable money during this period: everything will be spent on building materials and “such cute little children’s things”, which will later turn out to be absolutely unnecessary: a baby monitor, for example, or a winter suit of the wrong size.

Almost every woman tries to find out through an ultrasound whether she is expecting a boy or a girl. You can think whatever you want, but you have to rejoice at everything out loud, and loudly, jumping up and down so that the chandelier of the neighbors below shakes. As a last resort, you can say the phrase: “It doesn’t matter who, as long as he’s healthy.” (Option: “If only the boy was healthy - oh, don’t hit him on the head, I was joking!”).

Actually, the man will be to blame for the entire pregnancy: it happened because of him, and all the problems are due to genetics, and she, too, “is not only mine, by the way!”, and “you look at me differently than before, because that I’m fat and ugly”...

Does a husband beat his wife or children and make threats? - Run!

If your husband beats you, strangles you, throws objects, if the tyrant raised his hand to you at least once - run! Even if he apologizes and promises to improve, don’t believe it! And even more so if he thinks that he is hitting “for the cause”, or says that it was you who provoked him (pushed him). Although they are very close from an apology to confidence in their innocence... Do not flatter yourself with empty hopes - such people do not improve! Don’t think that you can improve relationships with concessions or influence him with your love, don’t listen to his words about love - they’re just words. And it is dangerous for you to be around such a person !

If a tyrant does not touch you, but mocks a child - raises him with beatings and humiliation, then this is not a reason to endure and relax - in this case, you need to run even faster, because injuries received in childhood (and the younger - the worse) cause much greater damage to the psyche of a defenseless child than the injuries you received. But the child cannot do anything - he depends on you. If you are pregnant, then this applies to you too.

I emphasize about children, because I often come across cases when a woman tolerates a tyrant for one reason or another and turns a blind eye to what he does to the child. In my opinion, the health of a child is something that is more important than our feelings and fears and is a sufficient reason to run away without hesitation. You are a mother - he believes you, and you are responsible for him, and a mother can move mountains for the sake of her beloved child!

I cannot physically help you or even advise you what to do personally if your husband beats you, but I can tell you where you can go for help. Good news for you - every victim of domestic tyranny has the opportunity to get real legal, psychological and even financial help! Often women do not know their rights or opportunities and endure an unbearable situation for years, because they do not see any way out and do not know where to turn.

Almost every city has special centers to help women who are victims of domestic violence, where you can safely turn, and in large cities these centers are located in every district. Their addresses and telephone numbers can be easily found on the Internet at the request of a crisis center, a center for assistance to victims of violence, a center for social assistance to families and children. If your husband beats you, humiliates you, threatens you, or otherwise terrorizes you, and you have nowhere to escape and no one to protect you, feel free to contact the crisis center! It is for such cases that these centers were created.

The most difficult

The hardest part of being pregnant is the last two weeks. Being the husband of a pregnant woman during this time is even worse. If you can’t escape on a business trip, you yourself will want to give birth, if only she would stop whining “when, oh when!” False contractions will force you to buy beer and drink it on the sly to relax your nerves after returning from the hospital with the news that you need to wait a little longer. This is where it starts...

At one point I will stop laughing: it is more difficult for a husband to be with his wife when she is giving birth than for her to give birth herself. You are a nervous, sensitive people, and that’s why we love you. She, of course, feels bad, but at least she can do something: sit down, lie down, yell (including at you). You can’t do anything: kill a doctor, blow up a maternity hospital, order a child to be born faster. Just calm him down and bring him some water. And they are unlikely to tell you later that it was so important, although it was so.

My husband beats me: what should I do according to the law?

There are many telephone numbers of crisis centers published on the Internet - the first instance where people turn if they are beaten by their husband. Helpline consultants know how to provide psychological first aid. They also explain what to do step by step if your husband beats you: where to turn, how to stop the beating, etc.
If a husband beats his wife severely, where should she turn? Contact the police immediately and document your injuries. If you have nowhere to go, look for a place where you can temporarily hide from the tyrant: relatives, friends, a crisis center.
If a would-be husband beat his wife and child, you should immediately visit the police with two copies of statements, indications of the fact of violence (a threat of violence if there is evidence is also evidence), a medical certificate, and photos of the beatings. You will receive a notification ticket from the police.
After the woman’s statement, the husband is given an official warning. Do circumstances force family members to continue living together? You should be careful - the husband is capable of taking revenge with new beatings. If your husband beats you, where else should you turn? It is worth warning your neighbors so that if something happens they call the police. A repeated appeal will be a reason to initiate a criminal case. Collect testimony from witnesses, interview neighbors - let them testify about the screams they heard and provide a general description of the spouse.

Three days of happiness

The happiest time in any man’s life is the three days while his wife is in the hospital with their first child. That is, you are already a father, but you still don’t know what night crying is and the prices of diapers. You have a reason and an empty apartment, as well as a lot of friends rejoicing for you. Just don’t, when returning from fishing, throw a bag of raw crucian carp out the window of the room or go to bed on the porch of the maternity hospital with the wording “here is my wife, here I will fall asleep.” When you have older children, you can no longer celebrate so recklessly, especially since mom will then be told everything: that they only ate dumplings, and that they didn’t wash the floor, and that they didn’t buy rompers, and that they told dad “Don’t forget mom’s skirt for the maternity hospital.” take it, but he forgot!” But with each new child, you will feel more and more like an ancient Russian father of a family, who has the right to hit his forehead with a spoon and dream of a happy old age. Although we still have to live to see it...

Terror in the family and what provokes it

Speaking about domestic violence, we mean not only assault; domestic terror can develop in three directions:

Moral bullying, when the head of the family prefers to “beat” with words, humiliating and insulting members of the household, trying to suppress each individual and gain control over it.
With psychophysical terror, words alone cannot do the trick; physical force is added to insults.
A particularly dangerous type of domestic violence is physical terror, in which the beating of family members is not justified by any reason, is carried out without warning and is a systematic event. A person’s desire for physical violence is often a sign of mental abnormality and serves as a basis for appropriate treatment.

The desire to hurt a family member does not come out of nowhere - usually the fact that a husband beats his daughter, son or wife is due to a number of factors:

insufficiently high self-esteem;
the presence of social, psychological or psychiatric problems;
addiction to alcohol or drugs;
problems with self-control and communication;
tendency to depression or aggressive states, suicide;
An important role is played by the level occupied by the domestic aggressor in society, his material wealth, the presence or absence of work, the education received and the level of cultural upbringing.

Victims of domestic violence need to realize that their case is in no way a conflict, since it is based on an existing problem that can be resolved. Here is an attempt to gain control with the infliction of moral and physical damage. At the same time, the terrorist justifies his own actions by hook or by crook. However, neither argument is usually a valid reason.

Domestic violence is resolved by leaving the aggressor, but the victim needs to understand what reasons provoked the situation. It does not happen that in family life the fault lies with only one of the parties - if a man shows aggression, the woman allows it to be directed at her and the children. And even if a couple leaves and creates a new one, there are no guarantees that the situation with moral and physical violence will not repeat itself. One of the dangers of domestic violence is communication, which, although painful, continues to be maintained by both the tyrant and the victim.

How can a husband understand his pregnant wife?

It is difficult for a man to imagine what a pregnant woman feels . Therefore, try to show him in practice how the process of bearing a child occurs.

The first three months of pregnancy can be demonstrated by poisoning yourself every day, and in the morning, after drinking a sleeping pill, going to work. Let him tie 1.5-kilogram sandbags to his feet. You will have to quit smoking, you will only be able to eat cottage cheese, apples and other healthy foods, and you will have to give up all harmful but tasty foods. And let a proctologist examine him three times a month.

In the next 3 months, the spouse should tie a huge heating pad with water to his stomach and not take it off even at night, but sleep on his side. Take sleeping pills in the morning every day before going to work, with a liter of water. At night, also a liter of water and a diuretic. Stuff cotton wool into your nose to make it difficult to breathe. And again continue to visit the proctologist.

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For the last 3 months, I have been spinning for 10 minutes in the morning on a swivel chair, and then quickly leaving the house for work, not paying attention to the swaying of my body. Tie another heating pad to your stomach. Take a diuretic, and drink a glass of water every hour at work. Tie bags weighing 2 kg each to your legs, and continue going to the proctologist.

Only in this case will a man be able to understand how his pregnant wife feels, and surely after that he will stop making her cry.

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What to do to avoid harming the child?

Spouses should remember that the wife's tears will negatively affect the unborn child. So it is in the interests of both to arrange for the pregnant woman to cry as little as possible, and ideally never. And then the baby will be born vigorous and healthy.

You can blame the weaker half for all the hysterics, they say, he is working himself up for any reason. But it is better to show concern for your wife’s situation and try to calm her down, rather than escalate the conflict.

The wife must clearly explain to her husband that all family troubles will negatively affect the child’s psyche, therefore, the more comfortable he is in the womb, the calmer he will be when he is born. You can be intimidated by the hospital, because every pregnant woman has a chance to get admitted.

If a man does not calm down and continues to get on his nerves, you should go to another room or the kitchen to calm down yourself, drink valerian or motherwort and wait until your husband pulls himself together.

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You can talk to the baby, explaining to him that dad is really good, that he loves both the baby and mom, so there is no need to be upset. And to relax yourself, come up with a comic plan for revenge on your evil spouse. Draw some funny picture in your imagination, and you will immediately feel better, and you won’t want to cry anymore.

Why does my husband make me cry?

The news of an imminent addition to the family, if the child is planned, initially brings joy to both the wife and the husband. But as pregnancy progresses, changes occur not only in the woman’s body, but also in the man’s body.

There is a change of roles in the family: the wife turns into a whiny child, and the husband indulges all her whims, just so as not to irritate his beloved and the baby in her womb. But it can be difficult for a man to adapt in time, and he does not keep up with the changes occurring in a woman’s body. This leads to misunderstandings and conflicts.

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Even if a man is looking forward to an heir, it is difficult for him to realize that it will no longer be the same as before, and he will have to give up a lot in the name of the child. And if the wife is completely absorbed in thoughts about the future newborn, ceases to be interested in the affairs of her husband and even refuses him sex, then it won’t be long before he explodes, which is why the wife’s eyes will always be wet.

Even if the husband does not make a scandal and, gritting his teeth, endures all the women’s nagging, the wife still feels insincerity on his part and often cries.

The wife, fascinated by the process of bearing a child, has no idea that her husband may also be afraid of something, for example, losing his job and not being able to provide for her and the unborn baby. And the anxious spouse perceives this concern as indifference and cries again.

Sometimes the future father worries so much about his wife’s condition that he goes too far. He doesn’t let her see her mother because her father smokes there, and she doesn’t allow her to meet her friend because she has a dog, which means she has dangerous germs. You can’t go to the theater (it’s too cold) or to the cinema (too noisy) and there are many other prohibitions for fear of the health of the pregnant woman. And from such excessive care, the wife will also cry for a long time and inconsolably.

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What happens to the female body during pregnancy

Even the calmest women, when they become pregnant, sometimes turn into whiny whims. And what can we say about nervous people! Those, while carrying a child, not only cry, but also constantly throw hysterics at home.

The nature of this behavior lies in physiology. Hormonal levels change dramatically in a pregnant woman's body, and this affects mood swings. Unfortunately, not all husbands take this factor into account. And instead of nurturing and nurturing the future mother of their children, they add fuel to the fire, bringing a woman who is already having a hard time to white heat.

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Even at the moment of bearing a child, the maternal instinct awakens in a woman, and she becomes fearful, excessively fearing for the health of the baby. And she is very offended by her husband, who does not share her anxiety about this. She doesn’t know how a man can calmly accept the news that a child in the womb has begun to hiccup. Maybe something happened to him? And then he stopped hiccupping and became quiet. Maybe he's not breathing anymore?

A pregnant woman is frightened by everything: both if the baby quickly gains weight and if it is weak. She is worried if he pushes hard or does not make himself known for a long time. And for every such occasion there is hysteria. This can infuriate any spouse, and he begins to scold his wife, bringing the missus, already exhausted by constant worries, to tears.

To the fears of whether she will be able to bear and give birth to a child without complications, there is added the fear that her husband, seeing her so ugly - with a big belly and swollen legs - will immediately stop loving her. So it doesn’t hurt to once again remind your spouse of your feelings.