Psychologists often emphasize that the main condition for success in society is a developed sense of empathy. It is closely related to emotional awareness. Without one there cannot be the other.
If you want to understand others and create harmonious relationships, then you first need to understand yourself. To do this, you need to look at emotions objectively and find out where they come from.
Such different emotions on what is happening.
Where do feelings come from?
It is believed that primitive man was capable of showing emotions. The appearance of feelings in animals and our ancestors is associated with the need to explore the world for the sake of survival.
Initially, the ability to feel any emotions was only part of the self-preservation mechanism. For example, a person experienced fear of strong animals, natural phenomena, deep water, etc.
He was able to analyze and understand that berries and fruits are good because they provide food, i.e. survival. This brought joy.
Subsequently, man as a species developed intellectually. New systems have emerged, primarily social ones. The reactions became more complex, and communities began to be built around them. Primitive people could attack each other in the heat of a quarrel or out of fear.
Now emotions play an important role in our lives. Hidden negative feelings that have not been dealt with can haunt you throughout your life and interfere with creating a family and constructive communication. Conversely, those who have good control over their emotions understand others better and act more productively.
To learn how to manage your feelings, you need to understand where they come from and why they appear. There are several theories, but as a result, all researchers come to a common conclusion: emotions are a response to any events or circumstances.
The first source of emotions
We begin to experience and express feelings for the first time in childhood, according to some scientists, in the womb. A child may kick if something bothers him. He cries when he's hungry and screams when he's scared. In this case, the source of the emotional reaction is an unsatisfied need of the body.
With age, the individual learns to muffle such sensations. He no longer cries or screams when he wants to eat, and calmly endures hunger.
However, if you abuse your patience too often, consequences in the form of mental disorders will inevitably arise. For example, a lack of a sense of security leads to stress, poor sleep, distorted perception of the situation, etc.
Second source of emotions
At the same time, from the moment of birth or, according to some sources, the formation of a child in the womb, socialization begins. This term refers to the process of adaptation of an individual to the world around him.
Since Homo sapiens is a social species, the child must adapt to society as quickly as possible. Otherwise, he will become a hermit and an outcast, which will leave an imprint on his entire adult life.
Socialization is the second source of emotions. The feelings associated with it are more complex. Unlike need-driven emotions, they intensify with age rather than diminish.
At first, the child does not recognize the faces and voices of those around him well, but he already learns to recognize those close to him. By 3-4 months, children smile at the sight of their parents, and may become wary if someone unfamiliar approaches them. The child is happy when he is given new toys, and is upset if they break.
Emotions associated with socialization remain strong throughout life. Adults swear and conflict if they encounter an opposing opinion or feel that their rights are being infringed upon.
Rejection on the part of the object of sympathy causes frustration, public disgrace causes shame. Only in old age does the expression of “social” emotions fade away, since the individual involuntarily separates from society. He prefers to spend time alone or with his family.
Emotions associated with society are of great importance at certain times.
Third Source of Emotions
By the first year of life, the child begins to understand that he is an individual. He feels his mother’s hands and realizes that it is another person, not him. This process is called individualization. At this level, the child’s character, his habits, characteristics, skills, natural inclinations, etc. are of great importance.
When the realization comes that all people are different, introspection begins. Normally, an individual compares himself with others and emphasizes his strengths and weaknesses. If at this stage any imbalances arise, the individual focuses on one thing.
For example, narcissists are good at seeing their own strengths and the weaknesses of others. As a result, it is difficult for them to find harmony with themselves and with the world around them. Melancholic people, on the contrary, notice their own shortcomings and exaggerate the merits of others.
Because of this, they become insecure, interfere with their own self-development, avoid interesting people and try to stay away from social events. Thus, we can identify a third source of emotions - attitude towards oneself.
Interaction of emotions at different levels
Emotions at different levels can interact with each other and influence each other. For example, a person with adequate self-esteem socializes well.
He shapes his own environment, avoids interlocutors who are unpleasant to him in advance, and, if necessary, adapts to others. Most often, he is happier in his marriage because he chooses partners better, does not become codependent, and works on the relationship.
Another special case is the interaction of emotions at the level of needs and socialization. If in childhood a child has to cry for a long time in order to beg for food, then in the future he builds relationships with others based on this experience.
He either learns to be pushy or simply sees unkindness and even threat in others. This can affect the attitude towards oneself: the individual plays the role of a victim and views himself from the same position.
Wheel of emotion by Robert Plutchik.
Reptilian brain
McLean called it the oldest, from an evolutionary point of view, formation. This part is similar in anatomy to the brain of lizards and, through what we call the autonomic nervous system in humans, it regulates basic life-support functions.
Another researcher, Jacques Panksepp, wrote in this regard that “the inner core of the reptilian brain develops basic instinctive action plans for primitive emotional processes such as exploration, feeding, aggressive displays of dominance, and sexuality.” He also said that this part is responsible for "the basic tendencies of instinctive action and habits associated with primitive matters of survival."
In other words, this brain is responsible for instincts (survival, reproduction, freezing, etc.), i.e., when a person acts unconsciously, and regulates the internal processes of the body: breathing, digestion, heat exchange, etc.
As we see, on the question of how to start a new life, he is not an adviser to us.
Simple and complex emotions
Emotions can be classified. K. Izard dealt with this in detail. He divided the most common feelings into fundamental and complex.
Among the first Izard included:
- interest;
- joy;
- astonishment;
- suffering;
- anger;
- disgust;
- contempt;
- fear;
- shame;
- guilt;
- embarrassment.
From the entire list, only 3 feelings can be called positive: surprise, joy and interest. The remaining emotions are negative, but necessary for gaining experience. They reflect an individual's reaction to encountering new events, people and circumstances and help shape a worldview.
Complex feelings are formed from simple ones. For example, according to K. Izard’s classification, aggression is a mixture of anger and interest. If the individual is neutral towards the object, it will not cause a negative reaction in him.
Love is a mixture of joy and trust. Disappointment is a combination of surprise and sadness. The person is disappointed because he suddenly learned something unexpected and it upset him.
Classification of fundamental emotions by K. Izard.
Dominant rule
If 2 or more feelings are mixed, the dominant rule comes into play: weak emotions reinforce strong ones. For example, if you are worried about mild sadness and surprise, the latter may turn into amazement. In contrast, with excitement preceding surprise and intense sadness, a person may begin to experience grief.
A sharp sound will frighten a child lying in a crib, but will only cause an increase in the sucking reflex if the baby is eating. To overcome the appetite, the noise must be much louder.
The rule of dominance should always be taken into account in social interactions, since it has a great influence on people’s condition. If someone tries to calm down an irritated person or do something nice for him, this can completely set him off. In a state of disappointment, it is difficult to become interested in anything or to be happy about anything.
#9: Emotions Contain the Impulse to Action
Another fundamental difference between emotions and thoughts. Emotion is not just a reaction and attitude, it is also an impulse to action. Fear is only a reaction to potential danger, but also the energy to avoid this danger. Interest is not just the discovery of something valuable in a cognitive sense, but also the energy to realize this interest - to get closer and look more closely.
Anger : “I don’t like it!” "I'm against!" Motive for action: I want to change the situation! It is necessary to influence, remove the obstacle, and possibly destroy (depending on the intensity).
Joy : “I like it” “It’s good for me!” Motive: I want to continue! More! We need to strive for this!
Fear : “Something threatens me!” Motive: I want to avoid danger! I need to protect myself!
Sadness : “I have lost something important and I cannot change it.” Motive: I would like to return what I lost, but I need to come to terms with it.
Interest : “This is interesting! It's valuable! Motive: I want to know better! I need to explore this!
Surprise : “Wow! Something strange!" Motive: I want to understand! We need to figure it out!
Dislike : “I am dissatisfied! It is unpleasant!" Motive: I don't want this! Contact must be avoided!
Shame : “I did something bad!” Motive: I would like to be different! I need to fix a mistake!
Tenderness : “I am very pleased and appreciate this!” Motive: I want to be with it! I need to save this!
Thinking is not capable of creating a stable motive for action. Everything that truly motivates us in life is of an emotional nature. That is why attempts to force oneself to perform work that is valuable, from a rational point of view, are obviously doomed to failure. The mind forms only ideas; it is not capable of creating motivation. The energy for action is contained in emotions.
Expressing feelings
During the day, a person experiences many different levels of emotions. For this reason, he does not track weak ones, often ignores them and does not show them in any way. However, when experiencing deep feelings, facial muscles, the hormonal system, etc. are involved.
A person in love, when he sees the object of his sympathy, begins to blush due to active blood circulation. The latter is enhanced due to the release of hormones by the adrenal glands. The muscles involuntarily tense. With strong feelings, a person may alternately turn pale, straighten his shoulders, or, on the contrary, bend.
There is one danger in such reactions. With visual displays of emotion, the only thing that can be said is that the feeling is strong. It is impossible to judge his character without knowing the person himself.
The set of reactions and shades of feelings is individual for everyone. To learn how to identify emotions well, you need to understand the person you are in front of.
To study someone, you need to observe them for a long time. It is necessary to analyze a person’s emotions, note his reactions to the simplest stimuli. The more often you show empathy, the faster you will begin to understand your interlocutor.
However, even in a long-term relationship, there will be blind spots: areas where you either don't understand or misinterpret reactions. For this reason, one can never say with certainty that a person feels any emotions. This is especially true for people you barely know.
Surprisingly, sometimes such ignorance extends to ourselves. People get used to automatically judging their emotions without subjecting them to introspection.
They confuse overexcitement with anger, love with affection, displeasure with fear, etc. Because of this, problems arise because a person struggles with one emotion while another is gaining strength.
Before you deal with love feelings, you need to figure out whether you are experiencing them. A completely healthy psychologically person rarely confuses love with attachment or dependence. In the presence of even minor deviations that do not threaten life and socialization, there is a tendency to become confused and enter into unhealthy relationships.
Emotional expression of feelings.
How to tell if you love someone
It is believed that love is evidenced by:
- Care. This is the main sign. The partner is attentive to the needs of the other person, wants to protect him and improve the quality of life.
- Freedom. A loving person will never forcefully keep another close to him, depriving him of something. The simplest example is meeting with friends.
- Mindfulness. The partner understands what he is ready to do for the sake of his beloved, and what he cannot do. For this reason, he does not make unrealistic promises and always keeps his word.
- Proximity. Partners become closer on all levels: emotionally, spiritually, intellectually and physically. They adapt to each other's habits, unwittingly sharing tastes and interests.
- Respect. The partner may not agree with his chosen one, but he will always listen, understand and accept his point of view.
- Confidence. A person does not make accusations against his partner for any reason. Without trust, love is impossible, because even small and groundless suspicions accumulate and poison feelings.
- Unselfishness. The partner tries for his beloved without the desire to derive any benefit. He doesn’t count who has invested how much in the relationship.
- Responsibility. A person takes on obligations associated with a partner. Sometimes this forces him to give up some of his wishes and opportunities.
- Development. Love acts as motivation. The partner wants to develop in such a relationship, not give up his position, and be the best for the chosen one. At the same time, this makes it possible to further improve the quality of life.
- Changes. Loving partners are not afraid to change anything out of context. They may, for example, suddenly decide to move. The worries will be more related to the move itself, and not how it will affect the relationship.
Using this list you can check not only yourself, but also others. For example, if in some situation your partner chose personal gain rather than a relationship with you, it is better to break up with him.
Additionally, to analyze your feelings, you can ask yourself what you like about your partner, what qualities he has, and whether you accept all of his character traits.
The chances that you are experiencing love are higher if you initially had a friendly relationship with your chosen one. It is especially important to understand whether you feel envy and jealousy towards your partner. These feelings shouldn't exist.
Emotions should not be fickle. Ask yourself how love affects you. Feelings should reveal you as a person, not destroy you.
How do you know if this is love?
#8: It’s impossible to evoke your emotions
Another corollary from point #5. Emotion is not a matter of our choice - it is the reaction of the entire system as a whole to the environment in which it finds itself. Soda, when it gets into vinegar, causes a violent hissing reaction with the release of carbon dioxide - this is its property. But soda cannot just sizzle without vinegar. For this particular reaction, it needs an acid.
Likewise, a person cannot experience or create any emotions out of the blue. There will be a sour environment - there will be a sour emotion. And nothing else. Any attempts to deliberately provoke any emotions in oneself are impossible. It is impossible to love something that is not loved by itself. It is impossible to be interested in something that is not interesting. It is impossible to want what you don't want.
And from this the opposite already follows: an existing emotion cannot be stopped as long as we remain in the environment that generates it, or until that specific internal element that reacted burns out in us. The soda in the vinegar will hiss until the soda or vinegar runs out, and there is no other way - it is impossible to stop the reaction already in progress.
Strength of feelings
The strength of feelings distinguishes a person living a vibrant life from the gray crowd around him. It’s much easier to impress a melancholic homebody than someone who prefers risky hobbies.
If a person constantly lies in bed and does nothing, even minor events will cause a great response in him. In a busy life, the same circumstances may not provoke any emotions.
The strength of feelings is determined by the height of the barriers that a person overcomes. To be convinced, it is enough to consider a simple example: hunger. When a person, even with slight discomfort, immediately goes to have a snack, the food does not cause any emotional reaction in him. He doesn't attach any importance to this event.
If before this a person was on a long hike or returned home after a long work shift, he will receive great pleasure even from a simple dish.
The difference is due to discomfort. Positive emotions arise from sharp contrasts. This also works with long wait: if a person works on something for a long time, he will be happy when he gets the result. However, there is a danger here. If the effort expended does not match the result, dissatisfaction and even frustration will arise.
The main skill of happy people is the ability to set adequate goals for themselves. They must be large enough and difficult enough to create contrast. However, you should not overexert yourself or put in a lot of effort with minimal results. The difficulty must match the reward.
For this reason, you cannot immediately move on to intimacy if you want to build a long-term relationship. Sex is the result of action. If there has been no action yet, the person will not perceive what happened as a new height. The strength of his feelings will not increase. On the contrary, it will consolidate at a low level.
A more profitable tactic in this case would be flirting, inciting passion and at the same time restraining it. The greatest response will be caused by moving to the next level at the peak of feelings.
It is important not to overdo it, because a long absence of relationship development causes fading of emotions and boredom. Given the existing frustration, it will be impossible to stop this process.
Light flirting can develop into a great fire of passion.
#7: It’s impossible to evoke someone else’s emotion.
Corollary to point #5. If emotions are our own creation, and the object is only the trigger, the reason for their occurrence, then there is no way to directly cause emotion in another person.
For example, it is impossible to insult a person - a person is always insulted himself. We can deliberately create conditions in which another person, due to his or her individual characteristics, is likely to feel insulted or offended. But it is impossible to directly cause a feeling of insult or resentment.
The widespread manipulation in human relationships is possible only because people living in the same society have similar sore spots that can be pressed on and cause a predictable emotional reaction. But there will always be a person who, in the same situation, will experience completely different emotions.
Sublimity of feelings
The second property of feelings is sublimity. It is determined by the rhythm of the brain centers and their coordination. The closer the body is to a state of harmony, the more sublime the feelings.
In practice, this is associated with contrasts and a complete list of experienced sensations. Physical feelings are most often base. They are associated with discomfort.
For example, a person experiences pleasure from eating food if he has recently been hungry, but at the same time he has a feeling of heaviness in his stomach.
Being able to relieve the itching brings relief, but it is mixed with discomfort. Prolonged abstinence from satisfying the need increases both discomfort and pleasure during the satisfaction of the need.
An example of sublime emotions is the feelings that a person experiences when listening to music. At this moment, no accompanying negativity arises, so all brain centers work in the same rhythm, in harmony. A person experiences complete pleasure, not spoiled by any negativity.
The basis of happiness is sublime feelings. First of all, they affect social relationships with loved ones. To understand whether you love a person, it is enough to analyze the situation and figure out whether anything makes you angry or irritated.
If, for example, you subconsciously blame your partner for something and are angry with him, it is better to immediately leave the relationship. You will not be able to restore what is already broken.
Broken relationships cannot be restored.
Stages of stress
Cannon's student Hans Selye came up with three stages of stress. During the first stage - the anxiety stage - the body's defenses are mobilized, performance improves, and due to the increased release of nitrogen and potassium, the liver or spleen enlarges. At the second stage - resistance - there is an increase in resistance to various influences, but at the same time the activity of other systems decreases. The third and final stage, the stage of exhaustion, on the contrary, is characterized by a decrease in the body’s resistance to stressors and can lead to death. It is important to note that the body itself goes through the path from the second to the third stage, and we can only realize this process after some time.
What to do if you can't create long-term strong relationships
First of all, you need to consider the situation with an open mind. Most often, people who fail to create healthy relationships blame their partners.
They think that they just keep getting the wrong ones. In reality, responsibility for choice and further actions lies with the person himself. If he builds relationships with the wrong people, then the problem lies within himself.
An example of a strong negative factor influencing perception and behavior is low self-esteem. An individual may consider himself unworthy and not act as an initiator.
As a result, a dual situation arises. A person with low self-esteem does not express himself in any way, that is, he does not advertise or present to others. At the same time, he does not try to lure anyone into a relationship. This can lead to long periods of loneliness.
Even if a partner is found in such a situation, a person with low self-esteem begins to poison the relationship. He thinks that they cannot love him, constantly pesters his beloved with interrogations, suspects him of something, etc. At the same time, the person does not initiate separation, because he is afraid of loneliness. The situation gets worse if the “accidental” partner turns out to be a tyrant.
There are many factors that interfere with building healthy relationships. These are insecurity, a tendency to overprotectiveness, the habit of going with the flow, and even childhood trauma.
Most often, those who did not see a healthy relationship between parents in childhood fail to create a strong family. You can figure out the problem on your own through long self-analysis, but it’s better to consult a psychologist.
It will help you get rid of the interfering part of the program and reconfigure you to a new way of life. Creating a family in this case will not be the only pleasant consequence.
Increase your level of self-esteem.
#10: Emotion is not behavior
The occurrence of emotion is directly related to the situation in which we find ourselves. We cannot control emotions - they appear without our demand or knowledge. And they are all absolutely normal and natural. However, from the point of view of life in society, it would not be wise to show all emotions indiscriminately. And this is what distinguishes us from animals - our behavior is not directly related to emotions.
The emotions that arise say something about us as people, but our actions and behavior say even more about us. An extremely strong emotion (affect) will always subjugate behavior, but in its normal range of intensity, emotions are only advisory in nature. Thinking, reason, common sense - a higher level of consciousness that can decide to go against existing emotions.
Therefore, it would be wrong to blame the responsibility for your behavior on uncontrollable irrational emotions. A mature consciousness can well keep their manifestation under control. Therefore, it is our behavior that truly characterizes us. Not emotions, not thoughts and intentions, but what we ultimately do or don't do.
Happy love
Happy love does not tolerate any “buts”. It is a source of inspiration for partners, creates a feeling of security, but at the same time requires a lot of work on oneself and self-control. The main condition for happy love is openness and clarity while overcoming barriers.
If you feel any negativity, promptly track its cause and talk about it with your chosen one before resentment arises on this basis. Learn to conduct dialogue calmly.
Happy love is not only about finding and building relationships, but also about self-development. Behavior, well-being and reactions to the environment depend on harmony with oneself, satisfaction of needs and social experience.
With good mental health, it is possible to adequately assess what is happening, correctly recognize emotions and act in accordance with them. Developed empathy allows you not only to control yourself, but also to improve the quality of life of others, build positive relationships and achieve what you want.
#5: Emotions have a biological basis
Basic emotional reactions are instinctive in nature - they are not influenced by upbringing, culture or religion. A child experiences emotions from birth, long before he learns to speak or even understand what is happening around him. At later stages of the development of consciousness, thinking can take part in the formation of the emotional background, but initially - first emotions, then thoughts.
And being a biological mechanism that determines the interaction of the body with the outside world, we always have certain emotions. It is impossible to be alive and not feel anything. We feel emotions continuously, at least in the form of what we call “mood.”
A rational person at his core, at his very core, has an irrational principle - emotions. Our initial perception is colored by emotions even before it reaches consciousness. We do not see the world in its pure form, we always see the world plus our attitude towards it. We cannot help but evaluate what is happening, we can only be aware of our attitude.
Neocortex (new cortex)
This, in fact, is consciousness that forms thoughts. This structure stores a person’s life position, his beliefs, stereotypes, moral standards, etc. The thought “how to start a new life” also originates in the cortex.
J. Panksepp describes the function of the cortex as processing “propositional information about events in the world, especially obtained through vision, hearing and touch.” Noting the complexity of the neocortex, he writes: “a highly developed neocortex gives rise to higher cognitive functions, reasoning and logical thinking.”
With its help, we make plans for the future, analyze, study, etc.
It is obvious that logical functions and the ability to reason and think are the tools with which we can answer the question “how to start a new life.”
(This article uses materials from mybrainnotes.com)
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Why are we crying?
Charles Darwin in The Expression of Emotions in Man and Animals
(
The Expression of the Emotions in Man and Animals
, 1872) offers an evolutionary, functional approach to this issue. Reflex lacrimation clears the eye of dust and other irritants. Tears may also appear as a byproduct of contraction of the orbital muscles (a reaction clearly visible on the face of a screaming baby); These muscles contract during convulsive exhalation, protecting the eyes from overflow with blood, but at the same time the lacrimal glands are compressed, which stimulates tear production. This makes it clear why tears often accompany strong laughter or even a strong cough that has nothing to do with emotions. Mechanisms developed for one purpose will inevitably be activated in other circumstances. From this point of view, emotional tears can be considered as an accidental, by-product of the impact of emotions on breathing (even when the habit of controlling breathing arises, these consequences persist).
Also on topic:
GESTURAL COMMUNICATION
There is another opinion. American psychologist and philosopher W. James in his work Principles of Psychology
(
The Principles of Psychology
, 1890) reduces emotions to their physiological expression: “Our natural course of reasoning about ... emotions is this: the perception of any fact excites a mental state called emotion;
this state of consciousness stimulates a certain bodily expression. My theory, on the contrary, states that bodily changes follow directly from the fact that worries us, and our feeling of the changes taking place is an emotion
. … We feel sadness because we cry, rage because we fight, fear because we tremble, but not vice versa - we cry, fight or tremble because we are afraid, sad or angry.”
But James's approach, which takes into account only physiology, does not explain how emotions can arise when they do not have external expression - how, for example, we can experience sadness without crying. Moreover, it is well known that the same physiological state can be associated with different emotions: there may be tears of joy and tears of sadness, but the physiological basis of these tears is the same.
Also on topic:
SIGN LANGUAGES
The advantage of James's approach is that he connected emotion with sensation. But the presence of such a variety of reactions of our physiological apparatus, which is necessary to ensure the entire variety of emotional states, seems implausible (should the emotions of shame, embarrassment, guilt, regret, remorse have different physiological
correlates?). In addition, physiology cannot account for all the additional differences in emotional states associated with the characteristics of different cultures and communities. The problem is not that there are no physiological differences between emotions, but that they are insufficient to establish subtle (and even not so subtle) differences between emotional states. Neurophysiological mechanisms of emotions are a natural heritage of our species, but the forms of specific emotions depend on cultural and social attitudes.
Sad boys and angry girls
In modern society, we are still subject to stereotypical ideas about what girls and boys should be like. These ideas are called gender roles. Traditionally, girls are expected to be soft, caring and sensitive. Boys are expected to be strong-willed and confident.
From a very tender age, we are divided by gender. Already in the maternity ward, girls are dressed in pink, and boys in blue. Girls are given dolls, and boys are given cars. Gender roles influence how girls and boys are raised.
Different upbringings
Many people think there's nothing wrong with raising boys and girls differently, but gender roles can affect us negatively. For example, it is still believed that boys are smarter and better than girls, although this is not true. The existence of this prejudice is shown, among other things, by one study conducted among girls. Already at the age of six they believed that boys were smarter and that they would work with more complex things than girls. It can be argued that due to strict gender roles, girls develop low self-esteem. Additionally, gender roles can control our feelings later in life.
Why is it important to understand your emotions?
Unfortunately, many people are not even aware of what emotions are and how to deal with them. What does this mean?
A person who does not understand his experiences does not understand himself, does not hear his needs. He doesn't get what he wants and therefore life doesn't seem like much fun. Hence depression and other neurotic disorders.
A clear example on this topic: a guy gets excited every time he has a date with a girl. His experiences are so strong (his face turns red, his hands are shaking, his mouth is dry, he is fainting) that every time he refuses the meeting. He has been alone for a long time and suffers from this.
If the man described above had recognized his emotions, he would have realized that he was experiencing fear. What is it based on? The guy is afraid that the girl will not like him, he doesn’t want to be rejected, because for him this is a disaster. What need is he concerned with at the moment? To please the female sex, to be in demand, desired, accepted.
Having mentally reached this point, perhaps he would have thought that there was no need to worry so much. In the end, there are many girls, and something will definitely work out with one of them.
