Everything that could be done together for the first time has been done. There have already been dinners by candlelight and a night at the cinema. Serenades are sung under the window, a warm scarf is knitted - winter is coming, funny stories from childhood are told. The main words, written one morning in chalk on the asphalt, begin to be washed away by the rain. The marshmallow dress and chic suit are put away in the closet, and wedding photos and gifts are placed in their places. Life together begins!
Relationships, initially brightly colored by love and romance, move on to calmer ones. We think something has gone wrong. We are confused. It seems to us that love has passed.
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Why do you dream about love?
We regularly watch Hollywood melodramas and therefore are sure: romantic love is genuine! And all other relationships are not love at all, but boring routine. Newspapers at breakfast, a sofa, children, TV... And where is the storm of mutual feelings here? Where is the unity of souls that we were promised? And how can we learn to live together happily ever after, in love and joy? So that the relationship does not fall into a vicious circle of repeated conflicts, grievances and claims, regrets and memories?
Let's talk about our deepest needs in relationships and how we can learn to respond to them in return. Let's talk about what “love is made of”?
What is “love made of”?
Not only from the feelings and romance of first love! It is filled with thoughts, a style of relationships, understanding oneself and understanding another - this is a lifelong movement towards each other! And we will learn to love each other all our lives - learn to live together. We went through 8 basic needs in a relationship, took a closer look at ourselves and our partner. I hope that with benefit and understanding that Love is not sustained by itself. She asks, demands mutual contribution, attention, understanding, care, acceptance and response! She is a consequence of the decision made to be together. And we should learn to be together!
Why is the need for recognition a clear sign of emotional immaturity?
Recognition is a strategy we all use to feel competent enough to simply feel good and confident about ourselves.
There's nothing wrong with giving someone an encouraging pat on the back, but as part of society, we've come to rely heavily on society to bolster our self-esteem. If we need recognition from other people to feel confident, but we understand that we do not receive such recognition, then this unsettles us. Such disappointment can lead to negative emotions, rebellion and, in some cases, selfish behavior in a young child.
Strong leaders, true leaders, do not need recognition just for their own sense of confidence and peace of mind. They know that their skills, approaches and leadership are effective - that's all. They do their job, putting aside all reflections, and they do not need outside confirmation of their talent and exclusivity.
Unfortunately, most of our leaders are not driven by humility, but rather by the manifestation of their ego. Chasing financial gains and career status in order to demonstrate one's success is simply a strategy for developing self-confidence (and even self-confidence). If control freaks write endless lists of directives, demonstrating their inability to correctly delegate tasks, then selfish managers simply begin to arrogantly believe that they deserve recognition and the most successful career.
Most people do not realize that recognition as such is beyond our control, rather it is a personal need rather than a standard and established practice for assessing abilities and talents.
The need for recognition is a systematic phenomenon in our business culture. It is driven by the widespread use of assessment systems based on compliance with professional requirements or the tendency to classify personality with the obligatory indication of weaknesses and needs for development and training. Recognition is now seen as a necessity in human strategy, but the need for it not only creates a certain segment of people who feel vulnerable and unprotected, it also provokes rebellion and a “them and us” situation where the reward system operates solely to highlight the minority.
Today's business leaders and executives often believe that other people should view them as competent and successful individuals. Add to this a lack of self-analysis and you have a combustible mixture of a negative leadership style, self-centeredness, total control and isolation from reality. As a result, managers need recognition as a support, a kind of supporting crutch. Yes, yes, this is exactly about us - we need it, but we don’t get it. We either acutely feel a lack of self-esteem, or we get offended and begin to put pressure.
So what's the answer? Both companies and HR leaders must reduce the use of negative psychometrics and mitigate frictions arising from training and professional development. In addition, they need to focus on creating a work environment and business culture in which their employees stop worrying about what other people think of them and how they look in their eyes. An atmosphere of trust and mutual support must be created and cultivated - in other words, people simply must be motivated to do their work calmly and efficiently.
This concept is best understood with a simple example. If you encourage your child whenever he wants to be praised for good deeds and actions, then he will soon accept such recognition as confirmation of his own worth. Now the child will constantly strive for recognition, whatever it may be. Instead, asking your child to tell you what they think was really good can help their confidence and competence grow. The child himself focuses on the positive sides and aspects of his actions. This, in turn, will develop a certain algorithm of understanding, which will only instill in him perseverance and adaptability. Conversely, if a person only needs recognition, then he lacks self-esteem, which means he will strive to use such recognition as a strategy to increase confidence in himself and his abilities.
By the way, this almost primitive need for recognition is inherent not only in our leaders and managers. I have never met a single person who didn't worry about what other people thought of them, or who never doubted themselves. This state of affairs is somewhat shocking - it turns out that people working in the production and service sector have rather low self-esteem.
Over the past 50 years, the population of the West has practically created for itself a civilization in which everyone depends on the opinions of others to give themselves additional value, to increase confidence and self-esteem. We fill our lack of confidence with clothes, entertainment, gadgets, alcohol, relationships and, of course, we want recognition - the kind of recognition that makes us feel happy.
It’s high time to change the situation and start instilling in people that they absolutely do not have to rely and depend on this recognition. At the same time, most of our requirements for professional knowledge and skills must be voiced so that people do not feel frustrated, and so that the negative leadership style that arises precisely from the need for recognition does not prevail. It's time to change the way the environment affects people.
Elizabeth Villani, director of the HR training and development company Courageous Success
What are human biological needs
A need is a need for something necessary for the life of an individual organism, a social group, or society as a whole. Needs motivate a person to action.
Man, like every living creature, is part of nature, part of the world around us, where everything is interconnected. Biological needs are the primary or innate needs of the body.
These include the needs to breathe, eat, move, sleep, rest, reproduce, be healthy, and be safe.
As a biological species, man has not changed since his appearance. Therefore, these needs remain unchanged throughout existence.
How do needs manifest themselves?
Feelings of discomfort, anxiety, negative emotions are external manifestations of a biological need.
Satisfied needs are accompanied by positive emotions.
Example
A hungry person is keenly aware of the smell of food. Lack of air is accompanied by spasms. These are clear signals about the need to satisfy the need for food and air.
Biological needs are divided into two groups: basic or primary and natural or physiological.
These definitions are quite arbitrary. They are characterized differently in different studies. Our classification is based on the work of the famous American scientist A. Maslow on human needs.
What are the basic needs?
Basic needs ensure human survival.
They appear in the first minute of birth. The child communicates this by crying. The first breath is the first biological need. Next comes food, water, sleep. The absence of these basic biological needs leads to death. Basic biological needs ensure human survival.
The most important is the need for air, or more precisely, oxygen. Every cell of the human body is saturated with oxygen. With its help, many metabolic reactions occur. Cells consume 200-250 ml of oxygen every minute. The quantity per day is 300 liters.
When a person is engaged in hard work, the need for oxygen increases several times. A person can live no more than 5 minutes without air.
Clean air is important to people. Anthropogenic air pollution negatively affects health.
The need for sleep is important. During sleep, the neuronal cells of the brain “rest”, the body works in economy mode, and strength and health are restored. If a person spends two days without sleep, the body experiences hormonal changes and disruption of neural connections in the cerebral cortex. After three days, the load on the heart increases, and brain cells begin to break down. Ultimately the person dies
That's why it's so important for a person to get enough sleep.
As a biological need, nutritional balance is very important. Food provides the body's energy needs. The food must contain all the necessary microelements: fats, proteins, carbohydrates, amino acids. The taste of food is also very important.
A modern person receives most of his basic needs for money: food, housing, water, things, medicine. Nature gave man only air.
How a person earns money is of fundamental importance, because... work should bring not only material well-being, but also satisfaction.
Freedom and self-affirmation
Every person has the right to assert himself in the role that is the main and most significant for him.
Photo by BBH Singapore on Unsplash
Only in this way will he be able to develop as a person and realize his need for self-actualization. Unfortunately, even in modern society this is not always easy. Parental and social attitudes, the pressure of the majority and the labels that are placed on us from birth limit our freedom in self-affirmation. This is especially true for women’s self-affirmation. These restrictions may include:
- denial of the right to self-affirmation, when either the need itself is considered selfish and negative, or it is denied as the right of a specific individual (a woman should not have ambitions or you have no right to want more);
- the imposition of certain roles in which a person must assert himself (for example, a woman must first of all be a good wife and mother or a philologist, like everyone else in the family, and not an IT specialist, because “this is not a woman’s business”).
Because of this, the individual is subject to severe social pressure and constant condemnation. For example, if a woman has achieved a high professional or material status, there will definitely be people who will judge her for this and say: “she just couldn’t find a husband,” that is, she couldn’t fulfill the role assigned to her by nature.
Photo by Marta Wave: Pexels
This leads either to the fact that a woman suppresses her desires and needs, or to living in constant conflict with some representatives of society. The first gives rise to a serious internal conflict, and the second leads to external conflict.
Here it is important to learn to clearly set personal boundaries, not allowing others to dictate your terms and tell you what you have the right to and what you don’t. And it is also very important to understand that such negative statements are a consequence of the fact that these individuals themselves were unable to self-realize in this life, were defeated, and the criticism that they demonstrate has nothing to do with you, they simply assert themselves by belittling their merits those around you.
Methods of self-affirmation
The “healthiest” and most productive way of self-affirmation is self-realization, that is, the desire to fully realize one’s capabilities. A person determines his desires, evaluates his potential and sets a certain goal, the achievement of which is success and a person can say: I have asserted myself in this life.
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It is important to understand that we all strive for development, therefore, after achieving a set goal, a person, as a rule, will set a new goal for himself. This is fine. The process of self-actualization is endless.
But there are other ways of self-affirmation, for example, compensatory - a person cannot achieve success in the desired area and switches to another.
Self-affirmation can be real or illusory, in which case the personality:
- or he only talks about his self-affirmation, that is, he deceives others, wanting to raise his social status;
- or exaggerates her achievements and their significance, wanting to deceive herself.
Both options lead to intrapersonal conflict.
One of the most destructive ways to assert yourself is to try to assert yourself at the expense of others. This is a way to increase your importance and self-esteem by belittling others.
This method of self-affirmation is aggressive in nature and is expressed in:
Photo by Quinten de Graaf on Unsplash
- insults;
- biased criticism;
- judging others for their views and actions;
- intimidation;
- manifestation of moralfag behavior;
- provocative or arrogant behavior;
- generating conflicts;
- bullying;
- manifestations of aggression towards minorities or certain phenomena;
- desire to win an argument rather than reach a solution;
- hate on social networks, etc.
Behind such behavior is sometimes low self-esteem and an inability to self-realize in this life.
