Children's theft: what is behind it and how to stop a child from stealing?

It is not customary to talk about this problem out loud. Parents, having learned that their child is stealing, experience confusion, shame and, of course, fear: “No one in our family has ever done this,” “What will I tell my friends?”, “We raised a criminal!”

If previously theft was considered a characteristic of children from disadvantaged families, today there are frequent cases when children from families with high material income steal.

What is behind child thefts? Why do children start stealing? How to stop a child from taking what belongs to others? You will find answers to these and other questions in this article.

Do you suspect a child of stealing? Can't get the truth out of him? Find out how things really are - download the Where Are My Children application from the AppStore and GooglePlay stores.

The phenomenon of child theft

Almost everyone in his life has felt the desire to appropriate for himself what does not belong to him. But in most cases, something always holds a person back from this step. What is this? Strong moral fiber? Strength of will? Or perhaps fear of punishment for what they have done?

There are children who have developed an “immunity” against theft from an early age. But for some, stealing other people's things is an everyday occurrence, for which the child does not even feel a sense of shame.

The psychology of child theft is such that the child’s actions are not always criminal in nature. Moreover, he may not know that he is doing a bad thing. Therefore, before accusing a child of criminal tendencies, you first need to find out the reason why your son or daughter began to take what belongs to others.

Do you suspect a child of stealing? Can't get the truth out of him? Find out how things really are - download the Where Are My Children application from the AppStore and GooglePlay stores.

Extortion

It's no secret that older children can take money away from younger ones. A child who does not have a trusting relationship with his parents may subsequently not only steal money, but also take things out of the house.

That a child has become a victim of extortion can be determined by his behavior. He dodges, deceives, cries. If there is no trusting relationship in the family, he will hide the fact that he is being forced to steal. On the one hand, he is afraid of his parents’ misunderstanding and incorrect reaction to this, on the other hand, of threats and beatings from his peers. If blackmail does come to light, when a child faces physical harm for disobedience, law enforcement agencies must intervene in the situation.

The motive for stealing with the best of intentions is somewhat different from other reasons. Not being able to give a gift to a close friend or relative, he may commit an unseemly act. In childhood, the moral rules of life are not yet fully formed. The desire to give a gift through theft is not yet inhibited by the principles of life.

Why do children steal?

There are five groups of reasons why children begin to appropriate other people's things or money:

Impulsivity, lack of self-control, weakness of volitional behavior

Normally, voluntary behavior in children is formed by the age of 6-7 years. Until this time, it is difficult for the child to cope with his immediate desires. For example, pick up your favorite toy from kindergarten or eat candy lying on the table at a party.

What angers parents the most is that the child does not understand the gravity of the act he committed, does not feel remorse and does not ask for forgiveness. But here everything is simple: the structures of the child’s brain responsible for self-control and volitional behavior have not yet matured. The child wanted to take the thing and took it.

In some cases, impulsivity persists even after 7 years. Such children are emotionally “deaf”, unable to sympathize and empathize with another person. They remain fixated on their needs and desires.

The child's feeling of inferiority

First of all, these are problems in relationships with parents. Mom and dad in such families may be busy making money or raising younger children. As a result, the child feels unloved, unwanted, and lonely. He wants to draw his parents' attention to himself, and he commits theft.

Theft in this case can also act as an act of revenge on parents for lack of love and attention.

In addition, the child may not have good relationships with classmates. He decides to “appease” them and buys sweets and toys with money from his mother’s wallet, taken secretly.

Such children are usually withdrawn, unsure of themselves, anxious and vulnerable. They need emotional support from loved ones like air. But with their behavior they only alienate others from themselves, lose trust and respect.

Also, a child may steal in a state of anxiety, psychological stress and depression. The appropriation of someone else's property here acts as an emotional release.

Lack of ideas about property, “one’s own” and “someone else’s”

Yes, it seems that a child should absorb such concepts with mother’s milk. But a large number of child thefts precisely because of unformed moral concepts indicate the opposite.

The child simply may not understand why he can take his mother’s scarf from the closet, but not money from his wallet. And why suddenly you can’t take away a wonderful red car from Sasha’s friend, because Sasha is his friend, which means the car belongs to him too.

This includes the desire to please a loved one with the help of other people's things. For example, bring beautiful beads or Aunt Nadya’s lipstick to the guest’s mother.

Kleptomania

This is a pathological desire to steal something. Moreover, the item itself is usually of no value to the thief. The child takes something that is not in good condition and immediately forgets about the stolen item or loses it.

True kleptomania is rare. It affects children with organic brain damage. Their theft is reinforced as a conditioned reflex. Educational measures are useless here; the help of a psychiatrist is needed, since kleptomania is a disease.

Under duress

Classmates or older guys may extort money from a child, “put him on the counter” and threaten him with violence. Children are afraid to tell adults about this situation, so they begin to look for money in all available ways: stealing from parents, relatives, acquaintances, teachers.

Also, a child may suffer from drug addiction and steal money to get another “dose.”

In teenage companies, especially criminal ones, there is a kind of initiation ritual. To prove that he belongs to the group, the “newbie” needs to steal something from a store, pull out a wallet on the bus, or bring a large sum of money from his parent’s wallet.

It is important to understand that there cannot be a single reason for child theft. This is always a combination of weak self-control and a feeling of inferiority, or lack of formation of moral principles and problems in parent-child relationships.

Ineffective measures

It is enough to raise your voice or deprive a child of a walk to break trust. Psychologists would call all the parents’ actions to resolve the situation and prevent recurrence “working through the problem.”

Development errors

This list includes parental mistakes that are ineffective for any problem behavior:

• extracting a confession through interrogation;
• threats;
• labels “You are a thief!”, “You disgraced me”;
• comparison with “good” children;
• constant reminders of what happened;
• public discussion of the problem with strangers. If you become aware of a crime, keep it secret: reputation, the attitude of other people towards the child is more important to you than punishment;
• rhetoric in the style of “How could you do this?..”;
• strict restrictions on walks, communication, games, pocket money.

Sins of education

If thefts are a reaction to family problems or psychological discomfort, look for a gap in the education system:

• The rules must always apply. You cannot condemn some behavior today and turn a blind eye to it tomorrow.
• Double standards – different requirements for family members. The father is allowed to do something, but the son has no right to do it. Often this concerns the use of swear words or smoking. In this case, stopping a child from swearing or smoking will be much more difficult. The child is forced to constantly check the rules: if today I am small and I can’t do this, but tomorrow I will become older and it will be possible. If dad steals sausage from the warehouse every day and is recognized as the hero of the family, why can’t a child steal a couple of thousand rubles from a classmate’s apartment?
• Connivance. Permissiveness does not contribute to the formation of altruism in children. And when desires and needs are fulfilled “by magic”, without any effort, this creates the illusion of power and authority in the child.
• A model of behavior that is polar to connivance is a totalitarian regime. Control at every step deprives the child of independent thinking and the ability to express his own opinion. Such children acquire cunning and begin to lie in order to snatch at least a little freedom. To take someone else’s means to show your own will, your own desire. Theft becomes a way to compensate for restrictions.

Thefts of children of all ages

Preschool age

The definition of “theft” is not entirely correct for preschool children, because there is no criminal motive in their actions. Kids don't steal, but take someone else's things without asking. They take it because they like it. They take it because they want to have it for themselves. They take it because they don’t yet understand that there is “mine” and there is “someone else’s.”

A child can take someone else’s thing if he wants to punish the offender.
Case study: Vanya brought a toy crane to kindergarten. The children asked Vanya to let him play with him, but Vanya refused, even to his best friend Pasha. When Vanya’s mother came to pick him up in the evening, it turned out that the tap was missing from the cabinet. Everyone rushed to look for the loss, but they never found it. The next day it turned out that Pasha had taken the tap from Vanya’s locker when no one was looking. He wanted to punish Vanya for his greed and at the same time play with such a wonderful toy himself.

School age

At school age, objects of theft include writing materials, stickers, and small toys. Most often, children act spontaneously, without thinking about the consequences of their actions and the feelings of the victim.

Case from practice: The teacher gave a task - to make mushrooms from colored paper and cardboard. Olesya made the most beautiful craft - her mother bought self-adhesive colored film and, together with her daughter, painted each mushroom. After the end of the lesson, the children went to the dining room for lunch, and the mushrooms were left on everyone’s desk. Upon returning, Olesya found someone else’s craft on her desk. After Olesya’s investigation, mushrooms were found on the desk of Alena, a girl from a low-income family who had been seen in similar acts more than once.

⠀ Shoplifting is also popular among schoolchildren. In an effort to prove “coolness” and independence, girls and boys steal chewing gum, chocolates, nail polishes, and Kinder surprises.

Theft at school age is often accompanied by lies. Even if the child was caught at the scene of a crime, he will deny his guilt to the last. With the help of lies, children try to avoid fair punishment for their actions.

The lack of pocket money also pushes children to steal: someone secretly takes money from their parents’ wallet, and someone steals a chocolate bar at the checkout in a store. This action is usually driven by a feeling of personal inferiority (“everyone has it, but I don’t”) and the desire to prove one’s importance through the possession of this or that thing.

Adolescence

During adolescence, self-affirmation and the desire to take a place in the group come to the fore for a teenager. Therefore, thefts committed at this age are associated with the acquisition of a “fashionable” item or with the goal of becoming “one of our own” in the company of peers. Teenagers with an underdeveloped volitional sphere and unformed moral principles are more likely to steal.

Also, the reason for theft can be not only an attempt to assert oneself or weak will, but also theft “for company.”

Case from practice: Dasha grew up as an exemplary, calm girl. She studied well and helped her mother around the house. Everything changed when Dasha turned 15 years old. She began to walk at night with a group of peers, lie, and skip classes. The parents were worried that their girl had changed so much, but hoped that it would soon pass. And then, like a bolt from the blue, a call came: Dasha was taken to the police station on suspicion of complicity in car theft. It turned out that a boy from Dasha’s company stole the keys to his stepfather’s garage in order to go for a ride in the car with everyone else. The teenagers climbed into the garage, rolled out the car, and then police officers arrived. An alarm went off in the garage, which the guys forgot to turn off.

⠀

Are you worried that your child has gotten involved with bad company and is getting involved in dangerous things? Dispel your suspicions or make sure they are true and help your child. Download the Where Are My Children application from the AppStore and GooglePlay stores to use the geolocation function or record sound around the gadget.

What to do

The cornerstone is the age of the offender. The difference in methods for a child, a preschooler and a teenager is obvious. At the same time, reprimands, punishments, jokes, and educational conversations are appropriate. It is important to choose the right tone and setting for the dialogue.

We recommend that you listen to the opinion of practicing child psychologist Irina Vladik:

Children under 3 years old: yours, mine, someone else's

With children, most problems in the formation of character and behavior are solved through fairy tales and games. Parents need to spend personal time with the baby: audio books or radio plays cannot be used. You need to read the fairy tale with expression, give comments, ask the child questions and ask him to draw conclusions.

The procedure is approximately this:

1. When you discover something missing, be surprised and sympathize with the “victim of the crime.” It is an important element for developing empathy, emotional intelligence and the ability to express emotions.
2. Ask your child if he knows anything about the story.
3. Having received an honest answer, sympathize with your thief and say something like: “You yourself are probably not very happy that you took someone else’s, it’s not good, and you know this rule.” If the answer was with a sly one, continue the conversation with the phrase: “You know, I’m embarrassed, but from that tree over there the squirrel saw you put someone else’s toy in your backpack and take it away from the playground.” The surprised kid will probably tell everything honestly.
4. End the situation by returning the stolen item and apologizing. And don’t remember this again, especially don’t tell strangers in the presence of the child about his offense.

Preschoolers 3–6 years old: law above desires

The natural selfishness inherent in growing children under 5 years old forces them to take someone else’s “because I like it.” Volitional processes are one of the current mental neoplasms during this period. You can and should talk to your child about the rules and teach them to obey them. The best way to deeply embed information about prohibitions and moral standards is to instruct a preschooler to pass on knowledge to less enlightened peers or younger children.

Preschoolers love to play teachers and educators. Adults can only direct the game in the right direction: ask the culprit to tell his friends about the magic words and rules for using other people's things.

Junior schoolchildren: hostel rules

Overwhelmed by many fears and subject to a host of school and home rules, elementary school students begin to worry about their reputation: what their classmates will think, what they will say, what unpleasant nickname they will come up with if someone accidentally sees a child taking someone else’s property without permission.

The class teacher plays a big role. His authority sometimes significantly exceeds the authority of his parents. Through a teacher, a child can be effectively influenced. Another assistant is an elementary school psychologist.

Teenagers: criminal responsibility and position in the group

Adolescence is characterized by the desire to obey and meet the requirements of the group in which the child primarily communicates. That is why teenage groups are built on the principle of a closed club with strict requirements and conflict so violently with each other. But the legislation provides for quite severe consequences for disobedient children and their parents.

How to deal with teenagers. Career guidance for schoolchildren is the task of teachers. If during a class hour a lawyer (preferably an operative) explains the difference between theft and kidnapping and shows the essence of criminal punishment, he will not only tell the class about an interesting profession, but will also carry out preventive work. It turns out that “picking mobile phones” is not so safe... Find a training book “How to teach children to cooperate.”

If teenage theft is not provoked by demonstrative behavior or illegal actions against a child, then the best motive will be authority in the peer group.

We must try to place the teenager in a social community in which thievery and cunning are not welcomed. Such a group could be a sports section, a children's scientific community, a dance studio, or a creative team.

Guilty or proud?

Feelings of guilt are a normal result of a theft that has been discovered. If a child is proud of his action, then he is either too young, or deeply neglected pedagogically, or socially and psychologically unhealthy, or feels adopted. In the first case, resolve the situation peacefully and forget about it forever. In the other two, contact a specialist.

Parents' mistakes

Parental educational methods and mistakes can push a child into stealing or aggravate an existing tendency to steal:

• inconsistency in educational measures, when in one situation a child is punished for an offense, but in another he can avoid punishment;
• inconsistent demands of adults (mom prohibits something, but dad, on the contrary, allows it);
• permissiveness of the child, lack of instilled moral standards;
• total control over the child’s life;
• “double” morality in the family, when a son or daughter is allowed to take everything, including money, if mom/dad is in a good mood.

How to properly respond to cases of child theft?

If a child brings home someone else's item or toy

• Your reaction will depend on the age of the child. There is no point in explaining to a three-year-old child for half an hour how badly he did and how upset Vasya will be when he doesn’t find his car. Talk to an older child alone, without witnesses. Convey to the child the meaning of his action and the possible consequences.
• Find out if the child swapped someone else's toy for his own. This practice is widespread among children.
• If a toy was brought from a kindergarten group, it should be returned, and the child can later buy the same or similar one. Perhaps this is his long-time dream, and you did not know about it.
• If the brought toy or thing is someone else’s, it must be returned to the owner with an apology. It's better to do it one on one.
• If your son or daughter does not feel guilty about what they have done, clearly express your position on theft and say that it is unacceptable in your family. If a child repents of his action, draw his attention to the feelings of the injured party, just as a person worries about a stolen item.

If a child stole money

• Try to find out why the child needed the money.
• If a child has been extorted by elders, do not scold him. The son or daughter is already intimidated. Ask about the situation in detail. If necessary, involve the police.
• If a child tries to “appease” classmates by buying them sweets and toys with stolen money, explain that friendship should not be built only on material gain. Offer your child other ways to get the kids to like you - you can invite them to your home or to nature, on a hike, etc.
• It often happens that a child steals money to attract the attention of loved ones. Usually the money is immediately found, the parents arrange many hours of proceedings, the child’s goal is achieved - he received his portion, albeit negative, but still attention. If this is your case, don't waste a lot of time on moralizing. Yes, the child committed an unseemly act, but now it is much more important for you to restore the lost relationship with him. Praise your son or daughter more often, spend time together, take an interest in his life. Then cases of theft in your home will stop.
• It is important to think through the punishment for the offense together with your child. If a child stole money from a parent’s wallet or at a party and managed to spend it, it means that he is deprived of purchasing the thing he wanted, which his parents had long promised to buy.

Black and white screen and password folder

— Do you have any ideas on how to reduce the level of stuckness on your phone?

- For example, buying games instead of letting the child play free ones.

- Suddenly. We are fighting against this, but now we should still buy?

— There will be advertising in free content, the child will be constantly dragged somewhere, he will click. And if you bought it, then the manufacturer got what he wanted.

Then reduce the brightness of the spot of attention. Here you have a black and white screen, why?

— I struggle with my own addiction to the phone. With such a screen, I go to social networks less often; I don’t even want to take photos.

- Here. If you want to let your child watch a cartoon, let him watch it in black and white. To avoid this “Oh, how beautiful!” effect. The smartphone is too bright a spot in the surrounding background. You can reduce the color contrast.

How to keep children safe online during a pandemic

Set parental safety mode immediately. If you really feel like it’s too much to spend money on parental control, put a folder with passwords in your phone. Put everything there that your child does not need for school, and remove the password at the agreed time. My parents sometimes say to me: “How can I do all this, I don’t even know the password for my phone.”

If you cannot agree with your child on such measures, then there are serious problems and, perhaps, you need to take away the child’s phone altogether for a while. But you can't just take it away. You need to have an explanatory conversation, explain the motives for your actions, maybe then the child will agree to set restrictions.

- It's clear. That is, parents will still have to educate themselves.

- Yes, you need to study, special skills are required. This is an environment of increased complexity; it requires a culture of its use. The parent is the most vulnerable and incompetent link in the gaming industry system.

For example, in order to understand and then help others, I completed an advanced training program at the Faculty of Psychology of Moscow State University “Modern approaches to psychotherapy of addictions.” Now I have a course for parents about children's gadget mania and a group on Facebook.

— If a child, under the guise of homework, sits at the computer for seven hours and it is unclear whether he is playing or programming, what should the parent do?

- So, some kind of nonsense is happening. Set up parental controls, it allows you to set up a number of sites that you don’t need to go to, and you will also know what your child is doing.

— And here, it seems to me, a second problem may emerge after computer helplessness. A parent in a situation of dependence may be afraid to forbid or limit something for the child.

- This means there are codependent, unhealthy relationships in the family. If you do nothing, then one day you may be faced with a difficult choice - either you will serve the addiction, or you will have to hand over your child to the social welfare authorities.

If you feel that you can’t cope, then I recommend seeking social help, contacting psychologists, and going to codependent groups.

Without solving the problem, you serve the child’s addiction, do not influence the child, do not know how to provide healthy control and build boundaries, and do not know how to discuss complex and painful topics.

— What do you think is the main mistake of parents?

- If you do something, then get an hour of play in return. If you haven't done something, I'll take them away from you. It is not right. A supervaluation of the subject of dependence is formed. Very soon this behavior will get out of control, the child will begin to deceive, be cunning, play around, and so on. And this, by the way, is a good scenario.

It’s a bad scenario if he follows all these instructions and just obediently does what you tell him for the sake of the gadget - this is how you make a slave out of the child, depriving him of his subjectivity. It is better when there is a degree of freedom, resistance and rebellion than when there is blind submission.

- A riot can also end badly. I know stories where children attack their parents.

“I know that there are episodes when children even beat their parents, usually mothers, who cannot resist them. 14–15 years old are already large teenagers; with uncontrolled aggression, they can be dangerous. Here you need to seek professional help.

Dealing with addiction requires you to first admit your own incompetence. First step: “I can’t cope with this, I don’t have the strength, resources and capabilities. I need outside help." External help can be in the form of a community, books, support groups, psychologists and so on, social welfare authorities. There are free methods of work.

This is not a joke. The psyche of a dependent person can begin to form at the age of six. And for some time it will be almost unnoticeable. But by the age of 10, problems grow like a snowball. What happens next largely depends on the parents.

How to stop a child from stealing: advice from a psychologist

In the case of child theft, the main thing for parents is to make the child feel the seriousness of the committed act and convince him that he is still loved and worthy of forgiveness.

• Do not leave even a single case of theft unattended. Be sure to discuss his actions with your child and find joint ways to resolve the situation.
• Do not give your child a public beating. All conversations are only in private.
• If the child is not caught red-handed, do not rush to accuse him of theft, remember the presumption of innocence.
• Refrain from accusations like “you are a thief”, “you will go to jail”, “you will become a criminal”. By following the path of condemnation, parents risk securing the child’s reputation as a thief and fraudster. When a child finds himself in such a situation for the first time, he may become embittered, and his thefts will already begin to be criminal in nature. When talking with preschoolers, it is better not to use the words “theft,” “stolen,” or “theft.” Replace with softer expressions: “take someone else’s”, “take something without asking.”
• Try to find out the reason why the child began to steal other people's things or money (feeling of dissatisfaction, attracting attention, extortion, etc.). Then it will be easier for you to find a way to combat this problem.
• If the child begins to lie and deny what he has done, do not insist. Give him time to think about the situation.
• If you have tried all the ways to deal with child theft and lies, but nothing helps, seek help from a psychologist.

Prevention of child theft

As you know, any problem is easier to prevent than to fix, so it is important for parents to follow the following recommendations:

• Take an interest in the child’s life, his worries, joys and sorrows. Try to share his interests or find a joint activity for all family members (sports, walks, hikes).
• It is important to build trusting relationships in the family, where everyone has the right to their opinion and is equally worthy of respect.
• Less moralizing, more confidential conversations.
• Sooner or later, the child himself will have to deal with cases of theft, since this is an ordinary phenomenon of our life. Be prepared to explain that you need to protect your property and be vigilant, especially when communicating with strangers.
• Do not tempt either your child or your guests: keep money and valuables in secluded places, do not scatter them around the house.
• The child must know where his things are, which he can dispose of at his own discretion, and where his parents’ things are, which can only be taken with their permission.
• Give your child pocket money and teach him how to manage it wisely.
• Monitor family conversations. You can unwittingly transmit to your child the idea that in the modern world an honest person cannot achieve anything through his labor, and he can only get what he wants through theft and fraud.
• Try to satisfy the reasonable needs of children in clothing, technology, and equipment. Agree that he himself can earn extra money for the thing he needs during the holidays or by helping you.

Don't judge your child harshly. Anyone can stumble and be wrong. Whatever misfortune happens to a child, the main thing is not to turn away from him, give him a chance to improve.

2

“I gave birth to you, I will give you Safe Kids”

— Does installing parental control programs solve all problems?

— Parental control is a wonderful thing, a cool thing. But parents, as a rule, turn to such programs when they have already encountered a problem. And the child has already formed a stereotype of behavior with the phone, autocracy has appeared, and a disdainful attitude towards parents.

The parent puts how? Once, I installed it. No motivational talk, no soft entry. I gave birth to you, I will give you Safe Kids. In response, we receive aggression, indignation and a desire to hack the system.

Even when a parent gives their phone to a child for the first time, there should already be controls there. Moreover, when a child gets his own smartphone, he immediately needs to explain the rules, show him the program and tell him about the restrictions. But in any case, control is only part of a set of measures.

The task of the gadget developer is to make sure that they use it more, more often, buy it, consume content, watch it, poke it. When you are only a consumer and not a creator, then you have certain problems with addiction, you are not the owner.

- What about our parental task?

“The child screamed and you gave him the phone back.” Is it possible to press a button and turn off the hysteria?

“Our task is to make sure that the child has self-controlled attention, so that he has his own interests and goals, so that he knows how to wait, endure, overcome, and knows how to have fun without a gadget in his hand.” - And how did you solve this in your family?

- And how did you solve this in your family?

“Since there was a situation that threatened the life and health of the child and caused material damage to the family, this was the basis for conducting a rehabilitation program. To begin with, we took everything. When you turn everything off, first there is a strong withdrawal, resentment, and then a living person begins to return.

There was a conversation like this: “Dear friend, how long did it take you to enter this state and reach this point?” We figured it would be several years, and to get out, we need at least a year.

It was important that music lessons continued. This was the condition

Like it or not, you do it, it’s part of the program. You must have a complex activity where you learn to work so that emotional intelligence and everything else develops.

Next, it was necessary for him to experience emotions and excitement. “Son, what sport would you like to play?” - “None.” - “If you don’t want to, we will decide for you as long as there is a lack of motivation.” We chose water polo. There should be healthy fatigue, aggression splashed out.

It was important to me that he had experience taking care of someone, such as animals. Therefore, he worked for a month in a cat cafe, looked after cats, gained experience in serving others, experience in being recognized by strangers as adults, not relatives.

— Did anything change in the family?

- Certainly. We involved a psychologist in our work. He was needed as a point of emotional release for his son, as another adult, but not a parent. You can discuss something with him in secret from mom and dad, and he is obviously interested in the child’s development.

We found several moments within our family where we had relationships that were a bit of a stressor. We adjusted this system of relationships. A more precise family structure has developed.

What else? I watched very closely to ensure that my son developed additional interests. There was a period when he had complete apathy, he was very upset, there was a strong resentment. Then it went away.