How to make useful contacts and friends: advice from psychologists

June 18, 2019
Psychology of communication
Andrey Raiter

The development of technical means in the field of communications facilitates the processes of interaction between people, removing many of the previously existing restrictions. But can we say that in the 21st century all problems in forming connections between people have been finally resolved? Not at all. Many people have difficulty finding friends and creating strong business connections. Of course, you can still take into account indirect negative factors that do not depend on the person himself, but often a simple phrase is given as an explanation for failure: “I’m afraid to make new acquaintances.” It also does not reveal the huge array of reasons why people have difficulty creating friendships, but it contains an important psychological aspect, which is the common root of the problems of building mutually beneficial relationships with others. It is worth focusing on it in solving the task of finding new connections.

What are useful contacts?

Oddly enough, the purpose of finding new acquaintances and friends is not as clear as it might seem. Incorrectly set guidelines for the desired “object” can become an obstacle to building mutually beneficial relationships and subsequently cause disappointment in a person. To prevent this from happening, it is necessary to initially determine what exactly will characterize useful acquaintances in a particular case. In the eyes of different people, these can be completely different friends, comrades, partners, life partners, etc.

Accordingly, the approach to search is changing. For example, how to make useful connections and acquaintances in business? In this case, the principles of successful interaction with people in a corporate environment are used. For example, Dale Carnegie developed a whole system with recommendations not only for meeting influential people, but also specific tools for psychologically influencing others. But such mechanisms are not acceptable in a friendly environment that excludes business relationships.

The general direction of the search is also not enough to count on the success of the search with a high degree of probability. The question arises - how to make new acquaintances targeting a certain type of person? Of course, there is no need to draw up a detailed portrait, since increasing requirements reduce the likelihood of finding a suitable person. Therefore, psychologists offer only a few fundamentally important parameters that should be used as a starting point in determining a person whose acquaintance can be beneficial. So, among the basic criteria it is worth considering the following:

Field of activity.
Gender, age, marital status.
Social status.
Hobbies, leisure activities, hobbies.

Ask correctly

There is very little chance that someone on their own initiative will decide to recommend you to a famous and successful person. As a rule, people close to such persons protect their acquaintances from unnecessary, superfluous, empty contacts. This means that recommendations need to be achieved. How? Just ask? Most likely, you will be refused - for the above reason. Therefore, forget the traditional rules of networking and try to effectively use the time that you would have spent on a business lunch with a possible recommender. It’s better to think about how you can actually prove your usefulness to him, what favor you can do him. You need to prepare for a meeting with a potential recommender just as seriously as for a meeting with a potential partner. What can you offer him? On what terms? What favor would be truly valuable and meaningful for him? Consider all this before asking for a recommendation.

What prevents you from making new acquaintances?

At the next stage, you should think about the reasons that previously prevented you from meeting people. They can be divided into several groups, including psychological, everyday, social, personal, etc. For example, psychological ones include the same fear of the first step and distrust of strangers in principle. More serious barriers cannot be excluded in the form of fixation on one’s own problems and a sense of self-importance, which also excludes a wide range of people from the potential field for useful acquaintances.

Household reasons are not as serious, but can also influence the opportunities for making friends. For many, an elementary lack of time due to workload also becomes the reason for the loss of even old friends. Of course, personal characteristics and social status can make their own adjustments to a person’s desire and ability to look for new people for his circle. But how to make new acquaintances if there are pronounced barriers from literally every group? A universal recipe for eliminating such obstacles can only consist of individual work on oneself and changing the conditions for dating. In some cases you will have to sacrifice your interests, and in others you will have to overcome old habits or, perhaps, change your lifestyle altogether.

Working on yourself - basic principles

From the point of view of the success of new acquaintances, it would be a good idea to work on your communication skills. Recent research shows that people who are able to have interesting and fruitful conversations are not only attractive to others, but also happier. Therefore, it will not be a bad idea to constantly expand your horizons, read more, and discover new interesting topics for conversation in different areas. Such work will also expand the circle of potentially useful acquaintances with people who were previously considered inaccessible or uninteresting. Then you can move on to the “field” conditions of acquaintance.

Rules of communication when dating

Already at the stage of direct communication with a person, it is important not to push him away, but to win him over, giving both yourself and him a chance to get to know each other better. Much in this arrangement will depend on third-party factors and personal characteristics of the participants in the dialogue, but among the universal rules the following are distinguished:

To compliment. No matter how the interlocutor perceives praise, it will not be superfluous in moderate quantities. In this way, an atmosphere of pleasant and useful acquaintance is formed, excluding negative emotions. However, moderation must be strictly observed, otherwise the opposite impression of flattery and hypocrisy will arise - this is what must be avoided. It is best to give compliments in relation to specific characteristics, facts and manifestations of a person, so that it is not completely empty.
Use criticism. Continuous praise will certainly create a feeling that the conversation is deceitful, so to give a touch of objectivity, it makes sense to criticize your interlocutor a little. Perhaps even start a light argument, which will also give shades of sincerity and honesty without a hint of trying to please or creating a false image.
Be self-critical. People do not like to be criticized, but they positively perceive situations when a person admits his mistakes. The ability to be self-critical increases respect from others and can be regarded as a valuable quality when meeting people.
Don't forget about humor. The recommendations listed above are rather conditional and the nature of their application will depend on the situation. The indisputable principle of successful communication is the use of humor - and again, with tones of self-irony.

Knowing the approximate profile of the person you are looking for and having successful communication skills, you can proceed to the next step of identifying places to start friendships.

Where to make new acquaintances?

First of all, traditional places are considered where it makes sense to look for new friends. What could it be? To begin with, it’s worth looking around you and, perhaps, taking a fresh look at your usual places of hanging out. Everything from the landing to the work office, concert hall and neighbor's summer cottage can become a potential platform for meeting people. The main thing is to be prepared to contact people in the same space.

Of course, it is advisable to focus on exactly those places where you yourself would like to be. Although it is believed that traditional dating on the streets is becoming a thing of the past, psychologists are observing the opposite trend, as people are becoming more open. A walk with a dog in the park, for example, can be a good opportunity to make useful acquaintances with fellow lovers of animals and fresh air. If your soul is drawn to nightclubs, you shouldn’t dismiss this platform for finding new friends.

But there is no need to focus purely on “your” places. There is nothing wrong with exploring previously unfamiliar territories. Perhaps it will be a museum or library where you can meet people with specific interests in history or literature. Again, it is worth remembering both your own interests and an approximate portrait of the person you are looking for, which will certainly give an idea of the most likely places of his stay.

Useless parties

Many events are positioned as specially organized for people who want to develop their business, find new clients, and establish partnerships. In fact, these events can only very conditionally be called networking. They promise a lot, but deliver little or practically nothing.

So, as a rule, you will waste your time completely in vain if you apply the rules of networking

, attending awards dinners or special networking events for job seekers, for example. Yes, under special circumstances you can and should go to these events, for example, if one of those to whom you are going to send a “message on glossy paper” receives an award. But in most cases, the failure of such networking events is due, paradoxically, precisely to the fact that they are organized for the purpose of establishing business contacts! How can this be? The secret is that business is personal, and the easiest way to create long-lasting and effective business relationships is to start with personal touchpoints. People who purposefully gather for such events make the most common mistake of getting down to business too quickly. And this is understandable, because they are going to an event where they are supposed to establish business contacts!

Common cause is the key to strong friendship

Lasting friendships are best formed based on common interests and a specific cause. What exactly could be the reason for unification - again we should look for answers in personal preferences. But practice shows that volunteering is one of the best platforms for bringing together people united by selfless good goals. Participating in actions to help and support those in need is a good thing in itself, but it also allows you to get to know people who manifest themselves directly in their actions and attitude towards others.

If there is no opportunity or desire to participate in charitable activities, then it is worth turning to neutral areas. For example, useful contacts in the healthy lifestyle movement, if they have similar interests in this topic, also yield good results in terms of forming friendships. Playing sports as such, hiking in nature, attending concerts are also forms of activity that strengthen connections between people, allowing them to get to know each other better.

Classic blunder: everything is according to the rules, the result is zero

I decided to radically change my professional activity after two years of working in the film industry at Metro-Goldwyn-Mayer. Why? I was attracted to creative people, I wanted to participate in interesting projects, and at work, despite the fact that it was a senior position in one of the oldest and largest Hollywood companies, which has more than 200 Oscars, I was forced to only twelve hours a day telling people “no” and maneuvering through the maze of political squabbles of the leadership. I went nowhere, not knowing exactly what I would do.

After my dismissal, a period of business training and seminars began. I read books on business development, entrepreneurship, marketing, and studied the rules of networking

and finally decided to put them into practice, strengthening relationships with high-ranking executives of serious production companies. Having found about forty executives (at my level and above) in the Hollywood Creative Directory, I called them and invited them to lunch. Everyone agreed. It took me about five months to have lunch with each of them, hosting two networking dinners a week.

How stunned I was when I realized that at the end I got... zero friends, zero personal relationships, zero business partners?

Yes, I made a classic mistake, not taking into account that business people, despite the fact that they constantly form long-term relationships, very rarely do this in a purely business environment or at purely networking events. I arranged my meetings with high-ranking managers ideally, but... ideally in a businesslike way.

How to meet people in a new city?

Moving to a new place of residence also poses the challenge of finding new people to be friends with. Obviously, this case will have its own difficulties, especially pronounced if a person has no ties to the city at all. What to do in this situation? How to make acquaintances in a new city without any connections? You should start from your neighbors, especially since a housewarming party in itself is a good reason to get to know each other. The search field then expands. You can regularly visit the same places of service, shops, retail outlets, etc. Over time, employees will get used to the new client and it will be possible to make friends with them, by that time you will get a little sense of their mood and character. You shouldn’t throw aside your new job either. Friendship with coworkers is beneficial both within the work environment and outside of it. Another thing is that you should follow corporate rules and build relationships in accordance with established standards.

Features of online dating

It is impossible to ignore the topic of virtual dating. Perhaps this is one of the most popular ways to find new friends, as well as meet for business relationships. But this area also has its own nuances and pitfalls. If we make useful contacts within a networking platform, then the issue of security should come to the fore even before the actual meeting. It is important to be mindful of the privacy and risks that remain relevant on the Internet.

As for the platforms that you should give preference to, you should start with local forums, city portals and local professional communities. This search direction is advantageous in that the person will be in the same city, so the problem of limited communication at a distance will disappear. Also, large social networks provide a lot of opportunities to meet a variety of people. But how to make new acquaintances and friends with specific interests? Even virtual platforms with a huge number of users cannot always provide the opportunity to search for people based on specific parameters that are important for making new friends with similar interests. In this sense, specialized resources help, which are specifically focused on bringing people together for certain reasons, from traveling around the world and going to the cinema to see a certain film to joining a community of specialists in a particular profile.

Possible mistakes

Beginning networkers make similar mistakes. After analyzing them, experts in debugging business connections identified patterns in the behavior of newcomers and proposed four effective ways to avoid mistakes.

Before each meeting, pay attention to preparation. It is difficult to take seriously an interlocutor who is unable to connect two words and clearly convey a thought. Practice and create a dating algorithm to always leave a lasting impression.
Show interest in the person you are talking to. You need to be able not only to enthusiastically talk about yourself, but also to listen to the people around you. Listen, creating a feeling of interest in everyone.
Stay sincere. Don't lie about skills and work. A lie will quickly be revealed and hurt your career. It’s normal to be imperfect, but honesty is captivating.
If left unattended, do not panic and do not start looking for him uncontrollably. Forcing people to communicate is useless, and excessive enthusiasm is annoying.
Stay open and help those who come to you for help.

What is networking?

In parallel with friendships that relate purely to personal life, in the business sphere it is customary to form connections based on the principle of networking. It states that relationships between people should be built on the basis of mutually beneficial interests. Of course, this applies primarily to the area of partnerships and corporate relations, but outside the strict framework of subordination and business etiquette.

Make lists of interesting people

There should be two of them. In the first, indicate those you already know, but want to strengthen these relationships (for example, colleagues or classmates, interesting people whom you met at an exhibition, concert or in a bar). In the second - those with whom you just want to meet (for example, successful representatives of your profession).

Now you need to write down an action plan. Think about how you can connect with each person. For example, for old contacts - offer to have lunch together, write a personal message, preferably not a simple “Hello! How are you?”, but something personalized, conducive to conversation. For strangers, figure out a place where you can meet, sign up on social media, figure out how to make a good first impression.

Check your action plan monthly to track your progress. But don’t take it too seriously and don’t be upset if something went wrong and you couldn’t establish some kind of contact. Networking is a living process, and there are two parties involved in strengthening connections. It is impossible to jump over your head and force another person to meet you halfway. You just need to accept this and continue to communicate with other, no less cool people.

How not to lose friends?

Obviously, without regular replenishment, the formed connection will not last long. It is important to support her without expecting initiatives from your partner yet. If you are interested in a relationship, then you need to be prepared for the second step on your part. But how to make useful connections and acquaintances so that they do not lose their relevance after 2-3 meetings? The secret of long-term relationships between people lies precisely in the mutuality of interests. There must be a basis on which the external form of the relationship rests in the form of spending time together in one form or another.

In practice, there is always a reason to maintain friendship - sit in a cafe, visit an exhibition together, just make a call or write an SMS with a trivial question. The slightest reminder of yourself is a resource that naturally supports useful connections and acquaintances, but, again, the interest must be mutual. If the initiative always comes from only one side, it is worth considering whether there is any point in maintaining such a relationship.

Something for the soul - and for business

A good friend of mine works as an insurance agent. His hobby is classical music. Once a month at his home he organizes a completely illogical networking event from the point of view of the rules of networking.

event: hires a string quartet and invites friends, giving them complete freedom as to who they bring with them to listen to music, drink coffee and chat. Attention: no one ever talks about business at these parties! However, after every music party, my friend receives several good recommendations.

What is his secret? Those who don't like classical music don't come to the party. This means that the owner can easily establish personal contact with each of the guests who come. This happens naturally, harmoniously, unobtrusively.