Is being needed a vital necessity or a delusion that is not useful? The desire to be the right person is truly the most common desire in my practice. Sometimes it develops the best qualities in us, making us a better version of ourselves. And, at the same time, irreplaceable for society or a loved one. And sometimes it leads to disastrous consequences. Where is the line separating healthy neediness from painful neurosis? And how to become needed if you really want to?
4 Career
Following from the previous point. Now I’ll write something, and if you understand and accept it, then your life will become much easier. And not only in the area of personal relationships.
You must be a master in your field and love what you do.
If you don't like your job, change it. “Oh, how easy it is for her to write something like that,” you might think. But nothing like that, I felt it all both on myself and on other people close to me. It’s easy to find excuses, but building your life always requires effort.
A job that burdens you will never make you desirable and successful in the eyes of girls.
Work that inspires and fulfills you makes you valuable and unique . And it doesn’t matter who you work as a painter or a top manager. I repeat once again – IT DOESN’T MATTER. The type of your employment does not matter, the main thing is your attitude towards it. Respect for colleagues, superiors, joy from the results obtained, communication with clients.
Nobody says that you, like an idiot, should always smile, be happy and not get tired. Any job comes with stress and problems, constantly emerging impossible tasks, deadlines, and so on.
But if these stresses are the only thing you get from work (and a salary, okay), then you will never be a man of the highest standard for any woman in the world.
A man who is a professional in his field evokes unprecedented admiration among women. (In general, he calls everyone, including his superiors, but we won’t go that far now).
Think about what you can fix (if necessary). Maybe it is not at all necessary to change the field of activity, it is enough to make changes to the current course of things? Solve this problem, love yourself, create comfortable conditions for yourself.
How to be needed by people?
How to become needed by someone, how to be needed by people? To do this, you need to shift the focus of your attention from yourself, your opinions and views to OTHER.
This means that we move away from a self-centered position into compassion and empathy. We learn to see and understand WHAT the other person WANTS, what is in his soul, in his head.
Why is this necessary?
Initially, all people are self-centered. This is a childish personality trait in which a person believes that everyone around him sees things exactly the same as he does. Normally, by the age of 7-8, egocentrism should weaken and gradually pass, yielding to the understanding that the other has his own vision, his own needs and experiences in his head.
But many people get stuck in a self-centered position. Thus, they condemn themselves to the inability to take the place of another person. Resting in his own views, such a person is unable to UNDERSTAND another.
Accordingly, without understanding the other,
How can you become the right person???
Well, how? If you are guided by your own and only your own attitudes, what is good and what is evil. And you even “do good” only based on your own worldviews, without asking the other person.
After all, to be needed by people is to FALL into the need of Another and be able to satisfy it.
Even if you know how to do something or have some value, you need this “something” to be valuable to other people. You can be a virtuoso musician, a first-class salesman, a pilot, a helicopter pilot, an astronaut... Yes, anyone. But it may not be needed by the people you want to need. Because this ability of yours will not meet their needs.
However,
And, at the same time, people have the SAME needs that everyone (almost) needs. These are more universal psychological needs to be accepted, understood, appreciated. Laugh, have fun, relax, enjoy life.
That is why, how to become needed by someone - it makes sense to develop such qualities in yourself as :
- - ability to listen and hear
- -understanding
- -sympathy
- -sense of humor
- - ease of climbing
- -positive outlook on life
- - support, encouragement
5 Kindness
Do you agree that a unique man is an exclusive man? I think yes. Let's remember approximately what the average modern man looks like? And let’s think about how we can show off our exclusivity against its background .
Let's talk about it in a positive way - this is a person with a sense of humor, who knows his worth, and knows how to stand up for himself. And what follows from this? Aggressiveness. Bitterness. Selfishness and indifference to others, closedness and callousness. Oh yes, how many times does all this creep out at the most unnecessary moment and push girls away from you forever.
Unfortunately, the modern world forces people to become like this. Driving all our humanity deep, deep. Well, you already guessed what the quality is that will instantly set you apart from all men and put you on a pedestal. kindness in the modern world .
And a man, a kind man, is a rarity and a one-off. But again, guys, I'm not talking about excesses. Not when you allow everyone to “plow” you, silently putting their backs on you. I'm talking about a different kindness.
Help an old man, take pity on a kitten, treat someone with understanding (not judgment). Justify someone else's mistake (out loud).
There is no need to allow yourself to be used out of the “kindness of your heart.” It is important to do things of your own accord and impulse that demonstrate your good soul. And it is advisable to do all this in front of the girl. Yes, this is such commercialism and thoughtfulness.
And one more thing: do not confuse aggressiveness with brutality. The second is when a slight movement demonstrates courage and strength, in a positive sense. Protection, care, guardianship. Aggressiveness has a negative connotation, and the goal is not unification, but opposition.
I want to be needed!
“I want to feel needed.” Let's try to understand where this desire comes from? Having understood the origins of desire, its reasons, it will be much easier for us to answer the question “How to become needed by someone.”
1. Reason: This is the very social environment in which any person exists.
It just so happens that since childhood we have been observing a picture: useful people with talents, abilities, benefits - someone always needs them. They are needed precisely because they HAVE SOMETHING that they can share with someone who does NOT have it.
In addition, since childhood, you yourself have repeatedly found yourself in situations of need for something. And some person had this something.
Yes, for example, take our very first life experience - this is our mother (or another person who takes care of us). After all, we really needed her to feed us, hug us, rock us, talk, “coo” with us... Already in infancy we read this message -
human needs human
Thus, we form an UNCONSCIOUS belief that, living in a society of people, it is necessary to be needed by people. To be needed by at least someone!
6 Generosity
Oh no, I won’t tell you now how great it is to be generous and throw money left and right. This will bring you nothing but free money hungry girls.
I propose to go the opposite way and show you what makes you an ordinary and gray (not standing out from the crowd) guy. Even if you are already in a relationship.
So, this is demonstrative stinginess . I had such a case in a budding relationship - I was walking around the city with a guy, I wanted to drink, he said - now we’ll buy it. We taxi into the store, take what he wants, go to the checkout, where there is a small line. He hands over the bill and pays. The cashier gives the change and my gentleman begins to count the coins that she gave him. Carefully transferring coins from one hand to another. The line is waiting, I'm waiting. Then he nodded to the cashier that everything was correct, and we left. What the?
As he later told me, he always controls his finances. Isn't it easier then to control them without removing them from the card? - No, you need to withdraw everything so that the bank does not use your money illegally.
In general, he always had this behavior - both when paying for movie tickets and in restaurants. He didn’t leave a tip, so I took mine out and tucked it into the bill.
So, guys, it’s VERY, VERY unpleasant when the money spent on a girl is so pointedly counted, sorted out, and the change is carefully checked. I stand next to him and feel how sorry he is for this money. How he does NOT want to spend them and part with them. And the reason for this is me. Do you know what I mean?
I offered to split the bills a hundred times, buy the tickets myself (for two), but of course, he doesn’t agree to that. He is a man, he invites. In general, do not repeat such mistakes. I quickly broke up with him, and I remember with horror all these “invitations” and outings into society.
What kind of man is this? If next to him you feel like a beggar, and not a desired girl.
Conclusion - if you are greedy, there is no need to publicly demonstrate it. It's off-putting. It’s better to honestly say that you feel sorry for spending money on empty entertainment; I’d rather buy you a bag, Masha. Well, this is if you want to do something nice for a girl.
Besides, how else can a man become needed, necessary, and significant?
Absolutely the same rule works that works in the case of “how to become needed by people.” This rule is:
Forget about your concepts of “what is good and what is bad.” STOP trying to do “good deeds” for him that he doesn’t need for nothing. Instead, find out what exactly he himself considers necessary in a woman. What is vitally important to him? What are his own needs?
For some men, certain delicious food is important, for others it is understanding. Many men want a girl to “look into their mouth” and praise his intelligence and intellectual abilities. Others prefer a relaxed approach to intimacy and a willingness to experiment. Still others want her to be a companion, a business comrade in a skirt. The fourth need the feeling that he is strong and therefore want their confidence in themselves as a strong man to be maintained. Fifth, they themselves want to be needed and useful.
There are a lot of options and they can be completely unexpected... In general, you need to find out what is important to him.
And, even having found out all this, there is no need to immediately strive to “reshape yourself completely” to suit it. Because this way the girl will leave herself. And, as we remember, you have to put yourself first.
It's important to find the right balance. Keeping yourself in 1st place, putting a man in second. That is, to please him on a residual basis. She has taken good care of herself, is satisfied with herself - now she can give her husband what is valuable to him.
It is in this situation that you can be needed by a man. You can become valuable, significant, dear and necessary.
Components of social success
At different times and in different societies, there are clear patterns of what needs to be achieved in order to consider oneself a successful person. At the moment, in the European society, to which Russia belongs, the following components can be distinguished:
- an irreplaceable specialist who can easily find a job or run his own business;
- own comfortable housing (good area, new house, enough rooms for all family members);
- stable high income (above the regional average);
- public recognition (the work he is engaged in is recognized in society);
- a person is self-realized (does what he likes);
- has success with the opposite sex - knows how to please and communicates easily, knows how to build strong relationships;
- confident in himself and the future;
- good health, physically attractive.
Focus on strengths, but don't forget about weaknesses
Use the best aspects of your personality, but do not forget to explore the weak ones. Being aware of vulnerabilities helps prevent mistakes.
True self-awareness comes from the ability to look honestly at oneself. Strengths push you toward success and develop authority, while weaknesses hold you back from achieving your goals and dreams. Study yourself in order to use professional and moral-volitional resources as productively as possible.
Constantly analyze
To maintain influence, you need to quickly analyze and evaluate what is happening. This allows the leader to quickly solve problems and remain in demand.
Circumstances and conditions are constantly changing, but an authoritative leader knows how to monitor the environment so that it can adapt. He knows trends, stays abreast of what competitors are doing, and encourages critical thinking among team members. This approach will allow for innovative and creative solutions.
Help from a psychologist in developing a successful way of thinking
Psychologist Carol Dweck studies productivity and mindset, and her latest research shows that success is determined not by high intelligence, but by attitude.
Dweck identifies two types of mindsets: a fixed mindset and a growth mindset.
Psychology of Fixed Mindset,
Such people are sure that they are who they are, and it is impossible to change this. And when they encounter a problem, it creates difficulties, because they think that they cannot change something, they feel the hopelessness and enormity of the task facing them.
Psychology of Growth Mindset
These people are confident that they can cope with almost any task if they put in effort, patience and plenty of time. For them, a problem is a challenge and a task, and not a reason to give up. These people are optimistic and have positive thinking.
Once, a professor at the University of Kentucky, Susan Segerstrom, assessed the level of optimism of her students on a 5-point scale.
After 10 years, she inquired about the income level of graduates. It turned out that each point translated into a $35,000 difference in their annual earnings.
As you can see, there is nothing predetermined, and if you are currently more of a fixed mindset person, then you can change it to a positive growth mindset. To do this, you need to perform a series of exercises that psychologists advise, regularly and persistently, and in two or three months you will see that problems no longer stupefy you, and optimism has become your faithful companion.
- Use reframing
Reframe all negative thoughts into positive ones, even if it sounds a little absurd - use your intellect. It is important to learn to look for the good in the bad.
- Write down positive events that happened during the day.
Keep a special diary and write down every day everything that was good, and if you can’t remember anything, then write down a dream or a pleasant memory. It is important to fill the day with positivity and focus your attention on it.
- Smile more often
Everything is interconnected, both thoughts and body. And one affects the other. If you consciously force yourself to smile for 10 minutes, your body will begin to produce endorphins and you will actually feel better.
- Let go of the past
The practice of meditation will help with this; it will train your brain to concentrate only on what you want, without falling into negative memories. There is no need to scroll through mistakes, failures and failures in your head. Leave the past in the past.
- Don't stop yourself from experiencing negativity
There is no point in suppressing negative emotions and pushing them deeper. If something really bad happens, allow yourself to worry, get angry, get irritated. Give it some time and then let it go.
- Listen to upbeat music
Instead of the news, turn on positive music in the morning, dance and sing along while brushing your teeth. Music stimulates our brain and activates it.
- Do things for other people
We are social creatures and it is extremely important for us to be connected to others. Being needed and useful is the best way to feel important, grow self-esteem and self-respect.
- Practice Affirmations
Affirmations are short, positive statements that fill you with strength, confidence, and change the way you think. When composing affirmations, it is important to adhere to some rules:
- Don't use denial. You can’t: “I’m not sick”; you can “I’m healthy”;
- Use the present tense. You can’t: “I can handle the task”; you can: “I cope with tasks effectively”;
— Affirmations should be directed at yourself. You can’t - “My husband loves me”; you can: “I am happy in love”;
- Give yourself a mini-vacation every day
Find something that brings you joy: a walk, meeting a friend, reading. Just 10-30 minutes a day when you don’t think about business and worries, but just relax and enjoy life.
- Analyze
Don’t accept everything as it is, analyze both the good and the bad.
If trouble happens, try to answer the following questions in detail:
1. Why did this happen?
2. What extraneous factors or your own actions led to this?
3. What can be done to resolve the problem in general?
4. What steps should be taken in the near future?
If you want to succeed, ask yourself 4 questions:
1. Why?
2. Why not?
3. Why not me?
4. Why not right now?
Act
Don't be afraid to take risks and make decisions. Don't allow yourself to get stuck or overwhelmed by an unexpected situation. Look for ways to get around obstacles. Think before you speak, but do not hesitate to take drastic and bold actions.
Effective leaders create daily rituals and habits that help them stay focused on their goals. But even when acting spontaneously, they think strategically, having a backup plan when faced with problems and changing conditions.
Level of social success
Just as at school or college there are excellent students and C students, so in adult life there are socially successful and unsuccessful people. Social success has four factors, for each of which you can give yourself a score from one to five and check what level of the social ladder you are currently at:
- Money
In order to consider yourself socially accomplished, there must be a constant influx and increase in cash flow. Money making skills must also be developed. Everything can be lost, but a successful person has the ability to independently restore the desired financial level.
- Status
The position of a person in society. The method of earning money does not always give the desired status. A drug dealer may be very rich, but he cannot gain respect in society, or only by hiding the true source of income.
- Energy
If all your life energy is spent on making money, it is difficult to talk about personal success. A workaholic is not the same as a successful person; emotional burnout also does not contribute to a feeling of fullness in life.
- Time
A successful person should have enough time for life: for travel, hobbies, children, family, for himself.
Why become a leader
I ask this question all the time when the topic of developing leadership qualities and skills comes up. The answer to this is different, depending on whether you control something or not.
- Whether you manage a team or an entire company, leadership will help make your business competitive, save resources and prevent turnover. Still, to develop a company, you need to unite and motivate the team.
- If you don't manage anything but yourself, there are still benefits to being a leader. The point is that leaders are listened to. For people, as social creatures, it is very important to be listened to. If our opinion is listened to, it has a positive effect on our self-esteem. I think this is why many people keep blogs, dream of media exposure and one way or another become leaders (the so-called LOMs - public opinion leaders) - all so that they can be listened to.
Always learning
Influential people are constantly learning. They understand the importance of cultivating a mind that is open to new perspectives and ideas. These are students of life who constantly improve their skills and overcome themselves by acquiring knowledge.
New skills give you the tools you need to adapt to different circumstances and understand what is happening around you. Knowledge is power, and power is influence.
Give others a chance to speak
Empathize. Those around you should feel heard and understood. Everyone needs the opportunity to freely express their personal opinions.
Trusting others is key to making people feel valued and remain engaged. Try to give up personal statements for a while and let your colleagues speak. This is a paramount requirement for developing open communication that provides accurate feedback.
Why did I become self-employed
I became self-employed because I love paying taxes. Yes, everyone has their own quirks. I pay bills and fines on time, pay off loans (I’m lying, I just don’t take them out), make contributions to a pension and charitable fund, and generally pay attention to my bills. In part, this is upbringing, in some ways it is mystical consciousness (debts spoil karma, guys!), and in many ways it is a civic position: I pay taxes and can legally be indignant that they were spent in the wrong place.
Therefore, I was always uncomfortable receiving money for my work in an envelope. I must admit, this happened extremely rarely - I gave a couple of media consultations a year, and the rest of the freelancing was for serious organizations - with a contract, all taxes and deductions.
And in the spring of 2022, I was offered to lead an interesting project - new media, an interesting topic, an ambitious task. But no employment contracts, only GPC (civil law). The customer is something close to the state (I know what it is, but I promised not to say too much), the contractor is an individual entrepreneur without hired employees, and it turns out that I am a subcontractor. “If you want to join a project, then register as an individual entrepreneur or self-employment,” they told me. And I registered for self-employment.
Maintain integrity
An influential person recognizes that others will look to her as a role model. By being persuasive and consistent in your behavior, you will inspire other people. They will begin to share your goals and help you realize your plans. Authority is built when people see that things live up to promises. Be a reliable and genuine person. Reputation is the foundation for the ability to lead.
Act consciously
Authority does not magically appear on its own, but is achieved through deliberate actions and behavioral adjustments. Influential people move through life with purpose, being aware of what they do and how others perceive it.
Focus on achieving results. Give constructive feedback and show appreciation for hard work. Real leaders do not cheat or argue, but speak openly about their intentions, accurately defining tasks.
Focus on what's important
A leader does not get involved in insignificant processes or meaningless competitions. He does not strive to win every argument or lead every conversation. It is important for him to truly understand others and help the team member be part of something bigger.
Focus on long-term goals and achievements. Focus on ensuring that the end result meets high standards. To do this you need to be determined and ready for a lot of work.
Social success - what is it?
What is social success of an individual? According to the dictionary, this is: luck in any business, successful achievement of a goal; recognition of such luck from others, public approval of something, someone’s achievements; public attention.
Modern society greatly encourages its members to:
- striving for a goal;
- adherence to certain standards and success criteria;
- displaying symbols and attributes of social superiority.
But often there is a bias towards the material and financial dimension and it is forgotten that there is no one established model of social success. This is a multifaceted and multidimensional concept, including objective and subjective sides and many options for achieving it.
Social success and social fulfillment
Social success should not be confused with social fulfillment. Although these are overlapping concepts.
- Success - the status of a person and his way of life is recognized by society and approved by it.
- Realization - a person is busy doing what he likes, can make the most of his talents and skills.
As an example: during the collapse of the Soviet Union, many scientists could not realize their talents due to incredibly low salaries, but some of them became socially successful, going into business and managing to earn a lot of money.
One of the latest studies revealed the attitude of middle managers to the concepts of “success” and “success”
Thus, 45% of managers agree that success should be assessed by the amount of material wealth, and 87.1% do not consider wealth a criterion of success at all.
Important The criterion for success is the degree of internal harmony achieved, as 84.5% of respondents think.
