I’ll lose weight, go to the pool regularly, learn a second language... What tempting promises we make to ourselves from time to time! But time passes, and very soon it turns out that our enthusiasm has faded.
It’s easy to find convincing excuses to put the brakes on a good initiative. And then the reckoning comes: after a month or two we suddenly come to our senses, scold ourselves for our lack of will, feel guilty... Actually, there is only one problem: for some reason we lose motivation.
But there is good news: motivation can be consciously maintained and strengthened. And here are some tips that can help with this.
Believe that your willpower is limitless
Sounds overly optimistic? Nevertheless, it is so. It used to be that willpower was a finite resource. There was even a term - “ego depletion”. He meant that, for example, if now you muster your will and avoid the temptation to eat a bun, then later you will not have enough moral strength to refuse dessert.
However, the latest research refutes this well-established idea. For example, psychologists from the University of Zurich and Stanford University came to the conclusion that volitional resources are still unlimited - but not for everyone, but only for those who believe in it. Such people are more likely to achieve their goals, they are less at risk of burnout, and in general they feel happier.
What is a promise and why is it important to keep it?
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A promise is, first of all, a responsibility to oneself. When I say to myself “I promise,” I give myself a promise that must be fulfilled. It should be. But, unfortunately, most often we do not fulfill them. We easily pronounce these words, but we don’t do it, we find a thousand excuses, or we simply don’t notice it, we forget.
In fact, communication and follow through is the key to responsibility, loyalty and reliability. And, this is a prerequisite for believing in yourself. If we tell ourselves something over and over again and do not fulfill our plans, then each time it will be more and more difficult for us to believe ourselves. Just like other people towards us. This is how collapse and uncontrollability of what is happening begins in life.
Responsibility is something that needs to be developed in oneself day after day; it does not appear by itself. The first thing you need to start with is to carefully and honestly double-check what you are going to do. You shouldn’t take on more than you can actually do, but you shouldn’t take on less either. Assess the volume of what needs to be done, your capabilities and the time period in which you are going to do it.
An important factor is that if other people must participate in this to implement the plan, then when developing the plan you need to take this into account, because then additional probabilities appear and not everything will depend only on you. Accordingly, you need to add additional options for the development of events and time. And only when you have weighed everything, once again double-checked why you need it and whether you need it at all, then you make a decision and give yourself the word “I’ll do it, let’s go!” And be sure to do it.
3. Break down a large task into smaller ones
Large-scale tasks unwittingly cause fear and uncertainty in us. Small ones are good because they look quite achievable and therefore do not frighten. Compare: “I want to completely switch to a healthy diet and lose 25 kg” and “This week I will cook low-calorie meals for three days.”
When we accomplish something we set out to do (even if it's just a small thing), dopamine levels rise, which makes us feel satisfied, pleased, and proud of our accomplishments. And these feelings, in turn, work as fuel, allowing us not to stop there and move further towards our macro goal.
Why promises you make to yourself should be taken seriously
1. One broken promise provokes another. When you realize that you have broken your word to yourself, it torments you, torments you on a subconscious level and takes away your energy.
Discomfort, anxiety and guilt arise. And these feelings ultimately greatly reduce the chances that you will fulfill your promise next time. 2. Broken promises undermine your self-confidence. When you give someone your word and don't keep it, you disappoint and undermine that person's trust. And you are depressed by the thought that you have let someone down.
When you do not fulfill the promise you made to yourself, then on a subconscious level you experience the feelings of both the offender and the victim. To regain your trust, keep your word.
3. You are depriving yourself of the opportunity to improve. It’s unlikely that you promise yourself to start smoking, eating more fast food and reading as few books as possible. Most likely, your promises are still positive. And when you stop doing them, you put yourself in the background: you make excuses, look for excuses to do “more important” things, and gradually forget about positive intentions.
4. A series of unfulfilled promises can affect self-esteem. And not for the better. And the reason for everything is constant shame and disappointment due to the fact that you broke your own word.
But kept promises motivate and set you up for success.
For example, you promised yourself to eat right and lose three kilograms in a month and did it. As a result, you are happy with yourself, satisfied and have self-esteem. And this has a positive effect on motivation in general.
Make it clear that you don't intend to tolerate this.
Sometimes a person constantly breaks promises just because he knows he can get away with it. Say directly that you can no longer trust someone who does not keep their word. You must be decisive, firm and not fall for further excuses. If you understand that it is not his insecurities or real problems, then you have become a victim of a manipulator. You should not coddle him and allow him to use this behavior model.
“Children believe you”: why parents should keep their promises
We promise children to turn on cartoons to get them off the playground, to buy a toy if they go to the dentist, or a new phone if they finish the quarter without C grades. But such promises are not always fulfilled. Why is this bad and how to avoid conflict with children, says family specialist Arina Efimova.
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A promise is an obligation, a kind of contract that a person undertakes absolutely voluntarily. And, like any agreement, it must be fulfilled. Therefore, before you promise anything, give yourself time to think: there is no need to rush.
Why do we make promises to children?
- We can't say no
Often children manipulate their parents, but they cannot refuse or answer their requests with a firm “no”. Of course, every responsible parent is happy to fulfill his child’s wish, but if for various reasons it is difficult to fulfill it, it is better to immediately explain everything, tell him why it is impossible to do this now. Let's call it "outright refusal." And the child will understand (before this, of course, he can throw a tantrum, but in the end he will understand).
- We try to please
We often behave this way when we feel guilty for not being able to pay enough attention to our child. Parents seem to compensate for this with promises. Adults are driven by the desire to look better in the eyes of their son or daughter.
- Trying to get the right reaction
This is how we try to persuade them to do something that the child categorically does not want to do or is afraid to do. For example, we promise to reward him with a gift after going to the doctor, after unpleasant procedures that cause negative emotions. And this, as a rule, works, but only when the agreement is fulfilled. Otherwise, the parent loses the child's trust.
Frustrated expectations
An unfulfilled promise can become a real tragedy for a child, which can develop into serious trauma. The Malygin family turned to a family psychologist. Their daughter is in 7th grade. Since childhood, it was difficult for the girl to find a common language with her peers. She is very shy by nature and has never had close friends. But recently the daughter told her parents that she had become close to her classmate Alena.
The girl began to enjoy going to school and spend a long time talking with her new friend. And most importantly, I began to communicate more openly with my parents. At some point, they began to notice her apathy and irritability, Katya began to move away, and a confidential conversation did not work out.
Find out what the problem is
Try to find out what prevents a person from fulfilling his obligations. Try to avoid accusations and an aggressive tone. A question in the spirit of “aren’t you an asshole?” is, of course, fair, but only complicates understanding.
Make it clear that you want to help, maybe there is an objective reason for his behavior. If a person continues to make excuses and pretends that he does not understand what the problem is, this is also valuable information. Now you know that this is an incorrigible buffoon, and you shouldn’t rely on it.
Remind him that you can always say no.
Some people simply don’t know how to refuse, which creates a lot of problems and awkward situations for themselves. It’s easier for them to say “yes” in a personal conversation, and then come up with a reason why they couldn’t. If you come across just such a person, try not to put pressure on him and remind him that he can always refuse.
We can help an insecure person listen to his desires and not be shy to express them. This will allow him to see how he is creating this destructive cycle of broken promises and stop it.
How to keep your promises
We often make promises to ourselves and family, work colleagues and even unfamiliar individuals. But we don’t always do it, and this leads to internal discomfort, loss of self-confidence, disappointed looks from others and persistent cliches: idle talk and a person who cannot be relied on. The art of keeping promises requires hard work and following an algorithm of actions.
The algorithm that will help keep these promises is as follows:
Make a firm promise to yourself
Close your eyes and firmly promise yourself to fulfill your plans, let it be your vow before the great Self. Circumstances may change, but your vow will remain in force.
May your promise be fulfilled
Have you watched a story about professional bodybuilders and made a promise to yourself to compete in a world class competition next year? The next morning, in front of the mirror, you were horrified by yesterday’s enthusiasm, and, upset, wandered to the refrigerator. You initially set impossible goals and happily surrendered to the cold circumstances of everyday reality. In order to fulfill your promise, you must clearly know the sequence of your actions.
Look for concrete solutions instead of common excuses
Remember all the usual excuses that did not allow you to keep your promise and complete what you started earlier. Grab a piece of paper and write down in a column all these reasons that stopped you. Ready? Remember! You can’t use these excuses anymore, but when you come up with new ones, add to the list below. So we have found a wonderful place for your excuses, but they cannot ruin your life, just a piece of paper.
The Importance of a Schedule
Yes, again the schedule, diaries and other tediousness. In almost every area of life you are told about the importance of planning, time management, even in the gym they force you to keep a diary of your exercises. Such a huge number of people simply cannot collectively wish you harm and try to deceive you. Human memory tends to be selective, and if the vow you made was just for show, this promise will give way to the image of a pretty classmate or a current project at work. A note in your weekly planner will prevent you from losing it again, and the entry will spur you to action.
Do the work regularly
Actions to fulfill promises must be systematic. And again the truism. Set a schedule for completing work and do something constantly. Writing a thesis project on the last night is insanely fun, and sweating in the gym only in winter is very inventive. However, heroic efforts in a single time period lead to insignificant results in the end. Yes, again a sad story about how a brilliant boy was beaten at a long distance by the nerdy Svetka from the first desk.
Horizon effect
Hmm, you followed the recommendations and even the first results appeared. Evaluate what you have done and what you have left to do. Look at the horizon, yes you move like a turtle, but my God, you can walk!!!! The bright future has moved a few centimeters closer, but you can already feel a light breeze of triumph. By the way, don’t forget to note for yourself how you managed to make progress, these are your working insights, they will help you in the future. If possible, improve the working schemes, they already work, but they can work better.
Choose one thing
There should be one work task, but you must complete it. When choosing a sweet cookie, put on the other side of the scale the fact that you are breaking your routine, questioning your trip to the gym yesterday, and also acquiring your best friend’s sarcastic grin about your figure. Do you like your choice? Choose either momentary satisfaction of a whim or positive changes in your life. Bon appetit.
Choose a role model
It doesn’t matter who it is, but this person already has the traits that you are training. Your target is punctual, in excellent physical shape, intelligent and has leadership qualities. Get to know him, make inquiries, maybe he doesn’t hang out on social networks, is engaged in self-development, after a hard day at work he goes to a hardcore gym, and prefers reading professional literature to playing mobile casual games. Hmm, he’s not that perfect, I can do that too, now I’ll just download a new episode of a fashion series, finish my beer and play a couple of counter frags. By the way, most people will reveal a sea of secrets to you and will readily teach you about life, just a few words about their uniqueness and your burning envy of their success. Sit back and listen to the secrets of the innocent victim.
Svetlana,
