If you constantly criticize yourself, scold; You are often upset that things don’t turn out the way you would like; most likely, you set excessive demands for yourself. Inflated demands on oneself smoothly flow into exaggerated expectations from others.
This is how the traits of a perfectionist appear, for whom it is important to achieve an “ideal” result. However, the problem is that ideal is a subjective and relative concept. In pursuit of perfection, you may never achieve it.
In this article:
Possible reasons for excessive demands on yourself Pros of excessive demands on yourself Disadvantages of being too demanding on yourself How to get rid of excessive demands on yourself Where does being demanding of others come from How not to demand too much from others
Possible reasons for excessive demands on yourself
Photo by Nandi Gustian: Pexels
The mindset in which you constantly strive for everything ideal is not formed by chance. The development of this behavior pattern is influenced by a number of factors:
- Features of temperament and character.
Excessive demands as a personality trait that accompanies a person throughout his life. A pessimistic attitude, a tendency to self-digging and self-criticism do not allow a person to be calm about everything that happens.
- Constant criticism from parents.
In childhood, a child perceives everything at face value. If parents rarely praise their child, and criticism arises as a method of education, the pattern “I’m not good enough” is formed.
Criticizing children is not only useless, but even destructive. Subsequently, it will be difficult for them to adequately assess themselves and their abilities. Even if they are good at something, they will think that they could do even better.
- Parents often used comparison.
Perhaps the parents made comparisons with themselves in childhood: “When I was little, I easily coped with this task.” Another situation is a comparison with another child: “Aunt Vera’s Masha is so good, she makes you better.”
Such phrases can both “kill” a child’s desire to do something and lead to a desperate desire to prove to everyone that you are worth something.
- Excessive control on the part of parents.
Let’s say mom herself likes everything to be “perfect.” Such people constantly control everything. Regulating your child’s actions, the endless desire to protect him from all kinds of difficulties, leads to the child’s fear of difficulties arising.
Limitation of actions, inability to fully develop, provoke self-doubt, which later develops into anxiety and excessive demands on oneself.
- Low self-esteem.
Low self-esteem gives rise to pickiness and fear of not being able to cope with the task. Insecure people are critical of everything they do. Even when in society, it seems to him that others only notice his shortcomings.
Unfortunately, this is how the psyche of such people works; they always think that he is not good enough. Their lives pass in this struggle and pursuit of perfection.
Musts in psychology - questions for work
Ask yourself questions:
- how does it follow from what you want that it should be so?
- Is there a law of nature or society according to which it should be this way?
- Are there any facts that prove the truth of your belief?
- Are there facts that refute this belief?
Review and question your personal rules or expectations that contain words such as “should,” “must,” or “should do this.” Please remember that there are always exceptions and special circumstances.
It can be annoying when people act contrary to your expectations or values. But your personal values may quite naturally not be of interest to others. It is important to allow for the possibility of mistakes, to recognize the uniqueness of everyone, and to replace shoulds with wishes in relationships with others.
Work on your thinking and it will become more rational and adaptive. These efforts will definitely pay off, because only a stable nervous system will help you cope with the stress and difficulties that are present in everyone’s life.
How to get rid of excessive demands on yourself
Achieving great results is a good and worthy goal, but if your life has turned into an eternal struggle for the impeccable execution of every, even the most minimal activity, you should think about whether this is harming you.
If you clearly understand that anxiety and fear of not becoming perfect paralyzes you and prevents you from living a normal life, you should recognize your problem and begin the path to getting rid of it. What specifically should you change?
- Understand that the concept of perfection and correctness is relative.
All restrictions are only in your head. Every person has the right to make mistakes. In fact, mistakes help you develop and improve your abilities. Give me permission to do something wrong. Allow yourself to be free to make decisions.
- Other people's opinions should not bother you.
As a rule, the fear of making a mistake lies in the fear of being judged. A person is afraid of appearing to people as not perfect, not correct. Understand that your life is your personal value. You cannot rely on the opinions of other people, they have their own destiny.
- Learn to value freedom.
Freedom of choice, freedom of decision, individuality and uniqueness of opinion and desires - all these phenomena should be given significance and value. Life is so fleeting that there is a risk of spending it trying to please everyone around you and meeting standards and rules.
- Look for support within yourself.
Gratitude to yourself for every result and the ability to praise for every achievement, as well as for courage even in the event of a negative outcome, will help you understand that the value is within you - it is yourself. Only health, harmony and tranquility are more valuable.
- Manage your life yourself.
Inflated demands on oneself are directly dependent on the result. It turns out that the state, mood and feeling of happiness are in the power of self-evaluation. You must become the mistress of life yourself and manage everything, regardless of the circumstances.
Celebrate every achievement
This will significantly reduce the negative consequences of having to strain all the time and perform everything in the best possible way. And it’s very simple to do this: be here and now, notice that you have passed another milestone in achieving your goal. Then each stage passed will become valuable in itself. Whereas someone who only focuses on the end goal misses all these points that they consider trivial compared to the big end result.
Where does demand for others come from?
Almost always, pickiness towards others is a consequence of being demanding of yourself. To be more precise, these are inseparable parts of one whole. A person who is accustomed to doing everything “perfectly” will expect the same impeccable performance from another person.
Upbringing and parental behavior patterns also play a role in the formation of such a trait. If parents overly cared for, controlled, expected clear and unquestioning obedience from the child, growing up, this pattern will be used in their own family as an example to follow.
What does it mean to be a perfectionist?
What a perfectionist means can be explained simply - a harmless individual who always keeps his word, fulfills his promises and duties, he is punctual and impeccable. For example, women always look perfect, take care of their figure, speech, and health. Perfectionist salespeople can spend hours arranging displays until they look perfect. Such people do not recognize shades of gray; for them there is only black or white.
The word perfectionist is a heightened desire to achieve perfection. It usually refers to a person's virtues. However, many psychologists have a different opinion on this matter - they are sure that this is a serious personal problem. First of all, low self-esteem, which affects all areas of life. Perfectionists do not have a “golden mean”; they lack flexibility and communication skills; they constantly go to extremes.
Constantly digging into details interferes with productivity at work. As a result, a person does not meet deadlines, cannot complete the task, and when he returns to it, it often becomes irrelevant. This puts pressure on the perfectionist, causes a feeling of displeasure, and negatively affects the nervous system, which leads to neuroses.
Perfectionist women resemble robots, which is why they often find themselves lonely. People of this type cannot stand criticism, which interferes with socialization.
How not to demand too much from others
People around you don’t like to live up to other people’s expectations. Therefore, when you demand specific actions and results from them, you encounter misunderstandings and conflicts. To maintain a warm and harmonious relationship, it is worth understanding some points:
- The other person doesn't have to live up to your standards.
He is a separate person, with personal desires, ideas, thoughts and goals. An attempt to subordinate him to your demands can end in discord and a break in the relationship. Even if you manage to convince a person that your intentions are good, he is not able to become happy in the position imposed on him by you.
And your standards of correctness and perfection may be oppositely diametrical. Therefore, it is worth giving freedom to loved ones, giving them the opportunity to make decisions on their own.
- We are so different - that’s what makes our life wonderful.
How boring and cloying it would be if we were all the same. The imperfection of the world, the uniqueness of people, makes our reality especially beautiful. You should learn to treat any situation with special wisdom.
All mistakes and imperfections are our useful experience that can teach us something more and help us move forward. Accept them with gratitude and love and then you will learn to perceive yourself and others, as well as appreciate human uniqueness.
Learning from mistakes
The main feature of perfectionists is the fear of failure; they try to avoid falls and mistakes. But mistakes help people test their strength. When we take risks, fall and rise again, we become stronger. Based on experience, we develop, and in this we are helped more by defeats than by successes.
Failure does not promise success, but the absence of failure always means the absence of success.
Those who understand that failure is always associated with success learn from their mistakes, develop and ultimately succeed.
What does the main communication requirement for people-related professions include?
The ability to communicate includes not only the simple ability to talk, but also such important skills as the ability to competently construct your speech, hear, listen and understand your interlocutor, convey your thought to him so that he understands it exactly in the sense that was intended. her you. An important role is played by the ability to understand human psychology in a short period of time, as well as to find a common language with an individual of any age, social status and mental development. The ability to observe and analyze is necessary for a person working with people.
What other professions are of the “person-person” type?
These types of professions also include directors and managers, telephone operators and bartenders, controllers on buses or electric trains, realtors and insurance agents, social workers and supervisors, tax inspectors and public relations specialists. These are psychologists, political scientists, promoters and flight attendants, etc.
Every year more and more new specialties appear. And many of them are connected specifically with people.
Subgroups of professions of the “person-person” type
The group of “person-to-person” professions includes three subgroups: educational, protective and service.
The first subgroup includes all teachers, nannies and educators, leaders of children's clubs, coaches in various sports, as well as tutors.
The second includes police officers, lawyers of various kinds, military personnel and inspectors.
The third subgroup can be divided into several more categories. Services are divided into information and information-art, trade, household and medical. The names make it clear who serves the population with what. For example, a librarian is an information service profession, just like a tour guide. They provide information to people.
Medical care is provided by doctors, nurses, paramedics, caregivers and pharmacists.
Trade services include sellers of various goods: from groceries to equipment or office supplies.
Household services are provided by hairdressers, cosmetologists, manicurists and other similar specialists. Waiters and watchmen also fall into this category.
Information and artistic services are close in their specificity to professions of the “person-artistic image” type. These could be guides in art galleries or consultants in art stores. Also, the head of an artistic group or choreographer can be classified into two categories at once - the educational subgroup and the information and artistic service.
