Sometimes, even during “normal” times, it's hard to be motivated. We all have those days when we feel productive and ready to work, and other days when it's only Tuesday on the calendar and the week feels like it's already dragging on forever. As we stay at home in one way or another to stop the spread of COVID-19, many of us find ourselves in situations where it's difficult to get through the day while at home. You may be living with a spouse who has lost their job, or you may be forced to work remotely while caring for small children, or you may be elderly, lonely, and isolated due to fears of getting infected. And, of course, it seems that there is no way out - and no visible end in sight.
“I have twin teenagers who attend online school for a few hours a day but are free most of the rest of the day. I need to do my own work, so I honestly have a hard time making sure they take a break from their gadgets, eat on time, and just clean up after themselves. I try to do this between work meetings and completing projects online. There are battles every day. I admit, it’s not every morning that I’m motivated to do any of these things.”
So how do we deal with this? Here are some tips that may help:
Relax!
If you have an “empty” day, so what? Letting go of expectations is as important as any other thing we do. These are unprecedented times and none of this is easy.
“Today I allowed my children to just be. They slept until noon, crawled out to the kitchen sleepy and in their pajamas, and ate all sorts of “goodies” for breakfast/lunch. Sometimes it helps to just let them be. Tomorrow I'll create a little structure for all of us and organize a different type of day. But today we can just let it go."
This too will pass, and we will be fine. In the meantime, we can force ourselves to be okay.
Do you need to make plans?
– The tension is also increased by the fact that we cannot plan anything. No one knows exactly when it will all end.
– Yes, it is still impossible to plan for the long term, such as travel, for example. It’s realistic to make plans for the coming days. A person with increased anxiety begins to strenuously prove to himself that he has to do a lot of things, does not have time, and thereby increases his anxiety. He pushes himself and gets even more tired.
– Now many have switched to remote work. What advice can you give to those who have encountered it?
– Maintain a clear work and rest schedule. There is a “three eights” standard adopted at the dawn of Soviet times: 8 hours to work, 8 to sleep and the remaining 8 to rest, etc. If you work all the time without rest, then the intensity will remain, but productivity will decrease. Remote work does not mean that work can be done at any time of the day. Make a schedule and maintain your routine.
For now everyone is at home. How to make the most of quarantine? More details
– WHO predicted that after the pandemic the number of mental illnesses will increase. Will it turn out that there will be crazy people walking the streets?
– I think there may be such cases, but they are extremely rare. For a mental illness to develop, stress and anxiety alone are not enough; there must be some prerequisites, disturbances in the central nervous system. And stress and anxiety can become a trigger for the disease. But it is impossible to say that an increase in mental illness is a necessary consequence of the pandemic. And even more so, there is hardly any need to fear that people with mental illness will suddenly begin to do something antisocial. They are under surveillance. It is a well-known fact: suicides among those who are registered with psychiatrists occur less frequently than in the rest of society.
But depression has indeed overtaken all other diseases. WHO predicted that by 2022 it will become the second leading cause of disability. However, in reality, depression has already taken first place.
In addition to mental ones, there are also psychosomatic diseases (for example, psoriasis, neurodermatitis, severe hair loss, etc.), which can be provoked by strong internal tension. Any disease can worsen during times of stress and anxiety. Therefore, the influence of the psychogenic factor during pandemics must be taken into account.
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Add physical activity or extreme sports
The author of the book Focus, Daniel Goleman, divides our thinking into two types. This is a “wandering mind” when you constantly keep some worries in your head. For example, you think about what you need to buy in the store in the evening, what the manager will say at the planning meeting tomorrow. And the “here and now” state is maximum concentration on the task.
The founder of the WB-Tech company, Kirill Grishanin, believes that the state of “here and now” can be trained with the help of “high-speed” physical exercises. It turns out to be a kind of exercise that pulls our brain out of the “wandering” state.
“Now my mental exercise, which I do every day, is a bike ride to the coworking space. It could also be snowboarding down a mountain or training complex combinations on a trampoline. It’s difficult to race on a board at a speed of 50 km/h and be upset that the customer does not transfer money,” says Kirill Grishanin.
Various studies show the benefits of exercise for the brain and psyche. It is not necessary to engage in sports professionally; a few hours of exercise a week are enough, and those that you like.
For clarity of mind and memory development, engage in cyclic exercise - run, ride a bike, swim. Strength training is needed to find new ideas and develop creativity. Intense team games or martial arts will help with concentration.
If mom is at a dead end. How not to go crazy while on maternity leave. Rebooting relationships with children
Decree. Those who have not been there yet are looking forward to this longed-for time, which will finally bring relief from the drab office routine. And many of those who have already visited it shudder when they hear a painfully familiar six-letter word.
“Parental leave” for a woman is like conscript service for a man. But, unlike the army, it can last for a completely indefinite period and bring with it much more psychological and personal problems than harsh military service.
At first everything goes well. And then, it seems, it’s not bad... “Just think, I don’t get enough sleep and sometimes I yell at the children. Okay, I yell often. But what's wrong with that? How else to educate them? Husband doesn't help? Has the “mammoth breadwinner” completely withdrawn from child care and direct education? This is also not news. When did men do this? Let him rest better, scroll through the news feed after eight hours of sitting in the office. Me myself. I'm a good wife and mother. Do children fight and quarrel constantly? Nonsense! This is age related. They will outgrow. This is how everything is “like people”, not ideal, but normal.”
“Is it okay?” — Evgenia Neganova, mother of two children, publicist, presenter and teacher, once asked a question. Maybe this ordinary, “average life” is actually a cozy dead end, in which everything is simple and familiar, but in which it can sometimes be disgusting and painful to be in?
Evgenia Neganova: “What happened to all of us? Why has our life become so unbearable? It turns out that there has been a theft in my life! This is the first thing I understood when I began to think about the questions that confronted me. I was stolen from myself, my children were stolen, I was stolen from my children, and they were stolen from each other. Outwardly, everything seemed to be in its place - mother, children. Just think, they break down, think about it, they make trouble, think about it, they can’t stand each other and are ready to run away from home at every opportunity. Who doesn't? In fact, the situation was extremely unfavorable. A substitution occurred in our lives that threatened to result in dire consequences: the loss of myself, the theft of the present from my family and the theft of the future from my children.
This theft had to be investigated at all costs. Deal with the circumstances, find the perpetrators, choose a preventive measure, protect the victims. I took over this investigation."
The result of the investigation was that Evgenia was able to regain the joy of motherhood, improve the situation in her own family, restore her personal boundaries, stop manipulating her husband and children and succumbing to their reciprocal manipulations.
To help tired mothers like her, whose lives have turned into an endless Groundhog Day in which there is no light at the end of the tunnel, Evgenia Neganova wrote the book “Mom is at a Dead End. How to reset your relationship with your children."
Today I will share an excerpt from Evgenia’s book, in which she talks about “how to regain yourself,” get out of the family manipulative game and get rid of toxic feelings of guilt.
Letting go of guilt
I have learned from my own experience that to set healthy boundaries in relationships with children, you need to let go of guilt. A woman with a traumatized inner child experiences guilt in all areas of her life, but in family relationships this feeling leads to especially destructive consequences.
The woman blames herself for not paying enough attention to her children, for spending a lot of time outside the home, for not having time to help with homework, or, conversely, for spending too much time at home and not giving her children an example of an active social life. The main thing is to want to be guilty, and there will always be a reason.
Guilt distorts relationships. If it seems to me that I am infringing on my children, that I am not giving them something, then in my relations with them I will be guided not by common sense and considerations of real benefit, but by the desire to somehow make amends for my guilt. I will be susceptible to childish manipulations, I will deny myself what is necessary in order to give to them and thus establish myself in my own and their eyes. Children sense our insecurity and begin to play on it.
In the future, if an adult tries to change the situation and put himself and the children in the right framework, he can hear so many things addressed to him! “You are bad!”, “You are unfair!”, “You promised that we would have fun on the weekend, but we are sitting at home!” and I heard a lot more similar things from my children, having embarked on the path of “recovery”. But you should still try to tell yourself once and for all: “I am who I am. I do everything I can for the children.” It is very important to establish the position “I am a good mother.”
I wrote this and thought: “good mother” sounds just as unfortunate as “bad mother.” It smacks of unhealthy perfectionism. It’s better to stick to the wording: “I’m a great mother and I give a lot to my children.” This definition is better. With a dose of healthy humor and a balanced assessment of your efforts. This position gives a woman self-confidence, calmness and the ability to act sensibly in situations where she needs to build and defend her boundaries and teach her children this.
I would like to offer a specific technique on how to get rid of the feeling of guilt when you cannot give your child what he asks for. This technique was revealed to me spontaneously in one situation with my daughter. If your child really wants something, give him a task that is logically related to his desire. The task should be such that, while completing it, the child will work on his weaknesses. And only if he can handle it, grant his request. Here you already need to find resources to fulfill what you want.
My daughter, a very big lover of sweets, began asking me to sign her up for figure skating. This made me very uncomfortable. The skating rink was far away, I didn’t drive a car, and I didn’t have the financial resources. My daughter begged me to take her to at least a trial lesson. We have already had a lot of these trial lessons, which did not lead to anything, in other areas. I didn’t want another senseless waste of time and money and set the following condition for her: “If you want to take up figure skating, prove that your desire is serious. You must not eat any sweets for a whole week. If you can stand it, I'll take you to the skating rink. Athletes can’t afford to overeat on candy, so try what it’s like.”
My daughter passed the test. She heroically refused sweets for a whole week, and I had no choice but to keep my word. We went to the skating rink, and my daughter got sick with skates. I started a serious conversation with her about the fact that now there won’t be sweets in such quantities as before, but she interrupted me: “Yes, yes, mom, I agree!” She kept her promise, and I took her to the skating rink, spent time and money on it, which, of course, was found. I did it with such enthusiasm as never before! This story could have had a different ending.
My daughter might refuse to comply with my conditions. This would probably have happened if skates were just another whim for her. Then I would not fulfill this whim, and without any feeling of guilt!
Manipulator and victim. Two in one
When someone talks about violating boundaries, their own or those of others, they primarily mean emotional boundaries. When we do not have our own emotional boundaries, we allow other people to hold us responsible for their feelings, and we feel guilty that someone close to us is upset or dissatisfied.
Or, on the contrary, we believe that everyone around us should share our experiences. By violating emotional boundaries, we play the victim, we complain and press for pity, we are offended, manipulate, and capricious. For example, we blame another person: “You ruined my life; it's all because of you; if it weren’t for you...” Having started to understand myself, I learned one seemingly paradoxical thing. It turns out that the weaker a person’s boundaries are, the more often and more aggressively he attacks the boundaries of others. He doesn't even realize that he is leaving his area of competence.
We overcontrol our children's behavior, authoritatively telling them, “You don't have to do that anymore! Do this and that!” We give unsolicited advice, compare ourselves to others not in their favor: “If I were you...”; “It should have been done a long time ago...”; “I told you...” We give instructions on how to evaluate certain events: “This is complete nonsense!”; “You’re not going to forgive him, are you?!” We even evaluate children’s appearance, their personality: “You’re a slacker!”; “You don’t shine with beauty”; “Since you are not beautiful, you need to study seriously.” By the way, evaluating another with a plus sign is the same violation of emotional boundaries as a negative assessment. It’s hard to remember, but almost all of the listed examples of violation of emotional boundaries took place in my relationships with children.
I was very often a manipulator and a victim at the same time. I graded children with the best intentions, but most often out of powerlessness. Many cannot withstand such parental pressure and break down, becoming quiet liars, because lying is also a form of protection. It indicates that a person lacks personal autonomy, but is not allowed it on legal grounds.
Getting out of the manipulative game
No need to hit the brakes right away. First, recognize the problem. Remain in the usual state of the victim, the offended, capricious, manipulative child and allow your loved ones to also remain in their roles. Your task at this stage will be to observe yourself and others. Note to yourself every time when you or others will cross emotional boundaries. Observe until each of your manipulative techniques becomes fully conscious to you even before you use it.
When you become fully able to control the manipulative impulses that arise in you, you can proceed to the next step - begin to stop them in yourself and not participate in the proposed emotional provocations from others. Don't fight with others, let them continue to act in their usual way. Focus on yourself: try not to play the victim, not to take everything the words of others say personally, to ignore a lot of things (I don’t even know how else to emphasize this point in order to at least convey its significance), not to push for pity, etc.
When you try not to resort to the usual methods of emotional defense and attack, you will face a serious aggravation from the environment. It will provoke you to return to a well-worn rut. Why? Because it's easier this way. It is easier for everyone to exist in that neurotic vicious circle, which has long seemed the only possible one. Therefore, when you are provoked, remain silent. Don't teach, don't educate, don't explain. This will only make the situation worse.
At this stage of your exit from the usual emotionally manipulative game, you need to give yourself regular rest. It is necessary to physically and psychologically remove yourself from the situation in which the fiercest battles for building healthy emotional boundaries are being waged. Simply put, you need to leave your home (most often this is where this battle of the titans takes place), whether you have the opportunity or not.
At first it will seem to you that you can handle it anyway. This is the deepest misconception. Believe me, you will very quickly run out of steam without noticing how, and fall into an even deeper abyss of emotional squabbles. Get out of the house, take a break from your emotional risk group, and regain your strength. Moreover, this recovery should not be in the amount of a couple of hours of shopping or going to a cafe with a friend. Take a break for at least a day every two weeks, or preferably weekly.
Do not try to make an excuse by saying that you have no one to leave your children with. Involve husbands, mothers-in-law, sisters, brothers, girlfriends, nannies, and finally, as caregivers. There is an opportunity. Let yourself see it. Do not be afraid. Don't listen to the guilt that will overcome you.
The next question is where to go and what to do during this time? What pictures do you draw? Meeting with friends? Parties? Not that. I advise you to spend this time alone! I am able to sing an ode to this amazing state in which we find inspiration and impulse for a new life, which returns us to ourselves.
I spent my hours of solitude in a hotel room, without looking at social networks, turning off all kinds of instant messengers. At first, I experienced a little withdrawal, not knowing where to put myself and what to do, because for the last fifteen years of my life I had practically never been alone. Here I encourage you to do what I managed to do, albeit after some training. Turn off the “Parental Control” function in your mind for this day with the free “Alarm” application. This is a prerequisite, otherwise nothing will work out for you. Trust the people you left your children with. They will do a better job than you can even imagine.
Over time, it occurred to me how these solitary stays of mine could be compared—to a scuba diver’s dive to the seabed. And the return involves surfacing. You can say that these separations from home, separations, albeit brief ones, from children are those very attempts to escape from the situation, and not to solve it. No, that's not true. The main difference between rest and escape is the absence of guilt. Running away from the situation, you are tormented by remorse. This is the main marker. You also feel like you've given up, irresponsible, and cowardly. When you give yourself the opportunity to rest, carefully and calmly decide to leave the situation for a while, you feel decisive, responsible, and courageous.
I’ll tell you about what awaited me at home after my first absence. I returned in the morning. My son hasn't gone to school yet. He hugged me tenderly, very tenderly and said: “Mommy!” There was so much in his address that was so tender, touching, loving and affectionate that I still get a lump in my throat when I think about it. As it turned out, they coped well without me: the apartment was almost completely in order, homework was done. The thirteen-year-old son fed everyone pancakes the night before.<…>
I was proud of my children! <…> Sitting in a cozy cafe, sipping my favorite coffee, I experienced some amazing feeling. There was silence inside me in different forms: quiet joy and quiet amazement.
Let's move to the level of freedom
To be fair, it should be noted that my first communication with my daughter after the absence was not in such positive tones. I only talked to her for the first time when she returned from school, and it was over the phone. That evening I had an appointment. Realizing that she wouldn’t see me for several more hours, my daughter began to be capricious and, out of habit, accuse me: I haven’t seen you for a long time, and you went somewhere again, how can you, etc. My first instinct was to continue the strategy of a confident mother who does not buy into any manipulation. Phrases flashed through my head, ready to roll off my tongue: “I will be busy today and will be away as long as I need. When I'm free, then I'll come home. Do not push me". But I stopped in time. Instead of all this, I invited her to see her before my evening meeting, to go to the store to buy her some candy. She was happy, the incident was over, and she received the strength to wait for me until the evening.
What did I understand in this situation? Why did I act in such a way that was unexpected even for myself? Why weren’t you afraid to cut your daughter some slack and listen to her whims? This episode opened up for me and helped me formulate a truth that was downright metaphysical in meaning. It may seem banal to some, but for me it was a discovery. It turns out that by letting go of guilt, you gain freedom. Not in the narrow, everyday sense, when you decide what to choose - a piece of cake or a slim figure, although this is an important choice. And global freedom, when you are able to make a decision not under the pressure of circumstances, not being led by your pity, not out of fear of appearing bad in the eyes of others, but based on the deep meaning of the situation itself and the benefit for everyone.
When such freedom is gained, a person does not bend his line: well, I have chosen the role of an independent mother, not burdened by feelings of guilt, and I will act so straightforwardly everywhere, in all cases I will make it clear to those around me, and above all to my children, how consistent and consistent I am. uncompromising. True freedom allows a person to feel where he needs to temporarily retreat from his strategic line, because the other person is not yet ready to fully accept your position, especially if this person is small. I saw that my daughter was trying to manipulate me, pressure me into pity, into a feeling of guilt, and I met her halfway.
Of course, outwardly it might look like my surrender, but I did not do it under the pressure of her whims. I consciously and freely decided to step away from my position temporarily. I did this because I felt that my daughter’s complaints against me were a real cry for help, which she clothed in her usual form of psychological pressure and manipulation. She is still small, emotionally very vulnerable. Now she needs to see me, touch me, be charged with love from me and find peace of mind. And I gave it to her. The newfound inner freedom allowed me to be flexible.
In this situation, perhaps for the first time in my life, I reached out to that true, lofty and great thing called true love. It can only be achieved from a state of freedom. By gaining freedom, we become able to truly love another person. Having freed ourselves from the feeling of guilt, having built our boundaries, we can reach a completely new level of our life, where there is simply no need to defend boundaries. This is the level of love.
Get plenty of rest this weekend
Remote work often becomes stressful not because of the work tasks themselves, but because of our inability to relax outside the home. It used to be like this: we work 5 days a week in the office, and spend Saturday and Sunday at home. Nowadays, many of us spend every day in the apartment, so it’s better to change the environment on the weekends.
You can go out of town, travel around the region in search of interesting authentic places. See what ecotourism is offered near your city? Maybe there's a cheese farm or the opportunity to go on a day hike.
If you can’t get out into the region, try to find something new in the city. Look for local activities, such as playing sports in parks or walking in the hills to watch the sunset. Try “street” hobbies - landscape photography, Nordic walking, scootering or rollerblading.
Negotiate with family
So that the people you live with do not distract you from work, you need to come to an agreement with them. For example, discuss with your husband or wife who sits with the children and when. This way you can create a schedule in which both parents work and the children are not left behind. Those who have the opportunity can hire a nanny who will take care of the children while the parents work in other rooms. This practice became very common during quarantine, when children did not go to kindergartens and schools for a long time and stayed at home with working parents. It is wrong to constantly worry, be distracted from work and run to your child, pushing him with gadgets that hold his attention for a long time.
Strive for completed actions
There is an opinion that it is more difficult to get a promotion when working remotely; supposedly colleagues notice less the contribution of such an employee to the common cause. This is partly true - managers don’t see us remotely, many value personal communication more than correspondence.
Responsible remote employees suffer from impostor syndrome - it is difficult to objectively evaluate their own work. It is also worth considering the lack of approval, support and career prospects. For example, when we give a report to a manager in the office, he can immediately skim through it and praise it. Remotely, we simply send a letter and receive minimal feedback in return.
Director of HR and Organizational Development at S8 Capital Holding Tatyana Gladyuk recommends focusing employees on more specific and shorter tasks.
“This way people will understand what is required of them, quickly navigate the task and independently build steps to achieve results. Be sure to thank them for their work and express your support in other ways. This motivates employees to work better,” advises Tatyana Gladyuk.
If your work consists of long-term projects, then try to break them up into small pieces yourself - 1-2 hours of work.
Maintain live communication with people
Thanks to the restrictions associated with the pandemic, people are increasingly beginning to value face-to-face communication and increasingly feel the need for it. Working from home, a person faces loneliness and painful emotions that cannot be compensated by chatting and even video calls with friends. It is very tempting to accept the conditions of the epidemic and remote work and forget about the life that was before. However, the lack of live communication affects not only the quality of life, but also the quality of work. If it is not possible to arrange a real meeting with friends or family, you just need to remember to go out and talk to neighbors and sellers in stores. We must strive for live communication and artificially, purposefully support it.
