In 2021, singer Jennifer Lopez and actor Ben Affleck reunited, and this, judging by social networks, became one of the brightest events of the year. The stars met from 2002 to 2004. Afterwards, we managed to be in several relationships and have children from other partners. And now they are together again. Some people are delighted with this, others are perplexed: it didn’t work out once, why step on the same rake again?
Okay sex, this is all clear. According to some data S. Halpern-Meekin, W.D. Manning, PC Giordano, M.A. Longmore Relationship churning in emerging adulthood: On/Off relationships and sex with an ex. / Journal of Adolescent Research, more than half of recently separated people engage in it with their ex-partners. The situation when people who once broke off a relationship start a relationship again raises many more questions. Does this make sense? What are the chances that it will work this time? The concerns are fair. Therefore, we decided to understand this topic with the help of psychologists.
Why do exes come back? Let's start thinking logically
Initially, you need to realize that men, even when they have not been with you for a long time, deep down in their souls subconsciously consider you their property. He sees that you have lost interest in him. Previously, you asked your friends about his affairs, “accidentally” visited the same place where he was “all so beautiful,” and often went to his Instagram page. Now he lost sight of you, and he also saw a handsome man next to you.
So, the thought sleeping in the subconscious turns into a scream. He must prove to you and those around you that you still belong to him, and nothing else.
He wants to see your emotions. Moreover, both options will be good: both love and hatred. If you still love him, then he’s such an irresistible man, it’s impossible to forget him. If you hate him, it’s also pride, he is such a fatal handsome man that he left a mark on your heart forever.
Why does he want to return?
1. You are convenient for him . You lovingly prepared him lunches with three different courses and collected bouquets from socks. But at some point he turned on the male mode and decided to try his hand on the side. And he miscalculated. It turned out that finding a bed warmer and staff was not so easy. It turned out that we had to give something in return.
So he decided: “I’ll go back to my ex. My brain can’t stand it, it won’t refuse me sex, and it’s been pining for me since the tenth grade.” There is no need to stress with you: I called, gave you a stunted bouquet - and that’s it, you accepted it with open arms.
2. Rematch. My dear, let’s be honest: if a guy leaves you, pride awakens in you. You just want to let him know who he lost. Therefore, immediately after breaking up, you throw out your favorite worn-out sneakers, buy stilettos, renew your gym membership, and stubbornly climb up the career ladder. And that’s right, smart girl, such motivation gives you the strength to live on.
And now look what’s happening: he sees your cool photos on social networks, mutual friends tell him about you - and he becomes wondering what happened to you during this time? How did you turn from a gray mouse into a lioness?
And he comes back to you out of sporting interest. And while you think that your ex is bored and sadly looking at photos of you together, he is making insidious plans for revenge. To level your self-esteem to the baseboard again.
3. The hunt was unsuccessful . The guy left to find “someone better” for himself, but it turned out that no one needed him. Especially if he didn’t even spend the night with his masculine qualities. And outwardly he is not Brad Pitt: he has become lazy, gained weight, and has developed a shining bald spot.
But you loved him just like that! And now it’s important for him to assert himself at your expense, to feel like a man again. And believe me, he will give you real hell. He will take revenge for his illusions and destroyed dreams. If the thought knocks on your head: “Come here, poor thing, I’ll regret it,” drive it away.
4. You have become different . She was a chubby girl that everyone laughed at, but she became a fit girl. I started a blog and started posting super photos from my travels. I quit my dull office job and plunged headlong into creativity! And she achieved success! Because there was no irritant nearby who said, “You won’t succeed. No knowledge, no experience, no education. You’d better sit and rearrange the papers.”
In general, your life has changed dramatically - and here’s a surprise! Your ex is already scratching at your door. Who is looking for free housing and food, and you, naive, believe in his fairy tales about love.
5. He wants to start over . And there are several reasons for this:
- The ex really wised up, shook the sand out of his brain and realized that he would never find such a cool girl again. The chances that this is your case are one in a hundred. They do not seek good from good.
- For him, your relationship is like childhood memories. It seems to the man that if he starts all over again now, there will be drive and a powerful emotional charge again. As a result, he will drink the energy from you and go off into the sunset again.
- You have become unavailable. You don’t ask mutual friends if your ex-boyfriend is thinking about you, you don’t make jokes to him a hundred times a day. You blocked him on social networks and cross the street when you see your ex-boyfriend. And he wants to regain control, to become the master of the situation. And there is only one way out: to build bridges and offer to meet again.
What to do if your ex-husband returns
The main thing is not to show your interest in a man. Cold indifference in such a situation is the best thing you can do. Don’t agree to a personal meeting, he must understand that you no longer need it. The meeting will mean that you have something to say and it doesn’t matter how you present it. Leave the fire of his ego without wood.
Usually, after parting with a woman, a husband or lover quickly calms down. He is sure that he is a male, that he is happiness for any free woman, and as soon as he becomes free, the best representatives of the fairer sex will begin to fight for him. There is simply no point for him to suffer over lost love, because there is a bright future ahead and single women awaiting his freedom.
But the reality is harsh. There are a lot of beautiful women around, but the aging womanizer, with a far from sculpted figure and no longer a lion's hair, does not create a sensation, to put it mildly. Even if he found someone, he can’t have an ideal life. Mired in a harsh, unromantic life with standard family squabbles, he suddenly remembers: but with you, everything was different for him. And the sky was brighter and the grass was greener...
How do you know if you can try again?
Understand why you broke up
The stereotypical breakup should only happen for some terrible, tragic reason. And, of course, with a huge scandal between all family members down to the fifth generation, trials and burning of photographs. Otherwise, why did they run away?
In fact, there are millions of things that can lead to a breakup. Sometimes they are not even related to the person himself; circumstances intervene. For example, one gets a job in another country, while the other sees career prospects locally. You can, of course, say that if there was True Love (just like that, with a capital L), then someone would sacrifice themselves and stay/go. But in reality everything is more complicated.
It is possible that the partners simply were not suitable for each other and had different views on life. Or one of them still stumbled somewhere, and the second was not able to forgive. Finally, something terrible could really have happened in the past. The reason for the breakup will help you understand whether the relationship has a second chance.
Andrey Smirnov
Master of Psychology, psychologist-psychotherapist.
Renewing relationships with former partners is unlikely to be a widespread practice. After all, the culture of separation is not always at a high level. They often break ties with scandals, embitterment and pain in the soul, regret about wasted years. If such grievances are not forgiven, then there can be no talk of any reunion. In addition, there is a very widespread prejudice that you don’t get back to your ex.
However, there are exceptions to every rule. And cases of resumption of relationships are not as rare as it might seem at first glance. It often happens when people get together in their youth, filled with ambition, unwillingness to seek compromises and hopes that somewhere in the future there will be a better option. They part for many years, but the good things that happened are not forgotten. And a person may want to return to a long-time partner, but already matured and wiser.
Having gained experience, a person sometimes becomes more tolerant and flexible. And if it was not possible to reach agreement earlier, then at the new stage mutual understanding comes much faster. This is especially true if there are children and interaction with them did not stop even after the divorce.
But when deciding to return to your ex, you should understand that character traits, as a rule, do not change. And if, for example, the ex-partner was authoritarian, domineering and a breakup occurred on this basis, it is naive to believe that he became soft and flexible. Or if you were jealous of every pillar and exhausted your nerves with surveillance and checks, you can hardly expect that the negative scenario will not repeat itself.
You should also not return to drug addicts, alcoholics and people with social problems. Over the years, negative manifestations, as a rule, intensify, and difficulties will only increase.
Assess how much you both have changed
It seems that the former partners know each other quite well. But this could be a fatal mistake. It is generally accepted that people do not change. But in general, they do this all the time, just not always the way others want. For example, a previously compliant person could work on personal boundaries and learn to dictate his own rules, a childfree person could want children, a healthy lifestyle person could switch to a diet of pizzas and cakes.
And you have not remained the same person you were three, five, ten years ago. That is, it is quite arrogant to rely on memory and believe that the former partner is not a mystery. Perhaps, upon closer examination, it turns out that the current two of you don’t know each other very well. At the same time, changes can both please and disappoint. And in the second case, obviously, there are not many chances for a successful union.
Clarify the situation
It is important here not to confuse this with a showdown. There is no point in swearing, blaming each other, demanding something, and there is no reason either. Moreover, this approach means that that connection is not over yet, everything is not resolved.
But ignoring past experience is also unproductive. You have already tripped over some bumps once, and you should understand whether you can level them out.
Valentina Polyakova
Clinical psychologist.
If what was a point of contention is still present in your life, it can again become an obstacle. If you don't want to give up your individual value, don't forget to ask your partner how acceptable what you are fighting for is at this stage. If it is still unacceptable, you will have to choose - the relationship or what you want to keep to yourself.
No one is obliged to endure or adapt. A strong connection is built on mutual agreements, respect and mutual value of each other. If any of this is not formed, trust will not arise.
To start any relationship - no matter with a former partner or not - you must end the old one. To do this, you need to exhaust claims and grievances, free yourself from expectations and learn to live your own life. Relationships will be successful in their development only if you are ready for a new stage together.
Answer yourself honestly, why do you need this?
Relationships, even new ones, do not always begin with great feelings, a sense of harmony and happiness. There may be even more reasons for resuming an old connection that do not promise anything good.
Valentina Polyakova
Clinical psychologist.
Before you start building a relationship, you should talk to yourself honestly. The main question to ask yourself is: “Why do I need this?” If the answer is no, perhaps you are simply trying to build a safety zone by choosing the familiar and predictable. Then, most likely, we are talking about a reluctance to create something new. In this case, you go by the opposite method: “And if the unknown is worse, let it be the old one, although it is not suitable in everything. Somehow I’ll endure it, but not alone.” Such a goal usually breaks everything even faster.
Make sure that this is a real desire to create a relationship, and not the feeling that this is your last chance, not nostalgia, that you do not confuse love with jealousy and do not start communicating again because your ex-partner has someone. And it is especially important to be sure that it is not trauma that is leading you to the wrong person, with whom it was already unbearable once.
Maria Eril
Psychologist, psychotherapist, head of the “Psychology of Communication” department at Business Speech.
Make sure that you are starting a new relationship because you truly feel that there is a chance to move past the great happiness of your close, true partner, that this is not a desire to fall back into a toxic relationship. And if a person is prone to them, it is better to work through this issue with a psychologist.
Trust your feelings
There is a set of feelings characteristic of a harmonious relationship. This is trust, calmness, confidence that the partner will support in difficult times, and so on. There is a possibility that there were problems with this in past relationships. And it is important to understand whether you were really able to forgive mistakes and restore the ability to experience these feelings.
If you are constantly expecting a trick from your partner, if its reappearance has brought a lot of anxiety and fear, this is a dubious start. But all-consuming happiness, tranquility and hope for the future are good.
He's trying to get to know you better
It’s worth noting right away: messages with birthday or New Year greetings do not necessarily mean that the ex-lover intends to renew the relationship. Perhaps he just wants to maintain friendly communication. But if the correspondence becomes more personal and the person regularly asks how you are doing at work, what’s going on in the family, or simply asks what your mood is and how you spent the weekend, this may indicate that he is trying to get to know you again and regain lost trust.
Photo: Pexels.com
Social networks speak about his feelings
Let's be honest, after a breakup, everyone continues to follow the account of their former significant other. But how can you understand from all this information that your ex-boyfriend is not indifferent?
Basically, when you are emotionally unbalanced and feel lonely, you often post emotional and passive aggressive quotes and songs on your social media page, even if you have never done this before. What does it mean? Most likely, we continue to feel longing for the broken relationship.
If a guy or husband, who has never been particularly emotional before, starts posting such things online, it means that your ex remembers you and misses you.
Why men come back after a breakup - men's opinion
Initially, it all comes down to the fact that they are interested in how his former passion lives. And if there is nothing interesting in her life, then he may not appear in her life soon.
And if her personal life has improved or career growth has occurred, this arouses interest and indignation at the same time that he did not become a participant in such cardinal events in her life.
If a couple has children, then the man considers it normal to appear regularly in the life of his ex. Sometimes such appearances can cross boundaries when he expresses a desire to stay overnight or asks to borrow money. Some even consider themselves entitled to kick out their ex’s new boyfriend, citing the fact that he is the father. On a subconscious level, they try to protect their offspring from the influence of another man.
Sometimes gentlemen decide to return because he does not want to start a new relationship and pursue another woman. With the ex, everything is simple, he knows all the approaches to her. In addition, some spiritual closeness pushes men to write or call their ex-lover when difficult life situations occur.
Writes first
If your ex was the first to write/call, this is a good sign. But it would be more correct to divide this point into several sub-points depending on the reason for the conversation:
- Desire to take things. A little earlier we already described the situation regarding this point. But there is one more subtlety. If this is the end of the conversation, then perhaps he feels very uncomfortable and is afraid that the memories are still too fresh, which means he may give in to his feelings and return without hesitation.
- Without a reason. For example, he asks about his mother/cat/brother. He is looking for any possible reason to contact you. A banal phrase or something similar to it can convey concern: “Are you okay?”
- I decided to share the news that I “found someone.” It sounds strange at first glance, but you shouldn’t be scared. Most likely, he did not do this and is simply trying to look at your reaction, to see jealousy. If this is the case, try not to get angry, remembering that it's probably not true.
- Asks for opinion or advice on some issue. One of the best scenarios! This shows that he cares what you think, and also that he misses you and is thinking about coming back.
If you make contact first, you may seem desperate or needy, especially if he has broken up. Try your best to wait for your ex to get in touch.
Continued physical intimacy
Continuing to have sex after a breakup is a very bad idea. Always remember this. After all, if the ex is already having sex, why should he restore the relationship and endure the costs - everything is already wonderful.
Keep in mind, if you get laid once, you'll do it again. But perhaps this is because the two of you have such a strong connection to each other, which could eventually lead to a complete reconciliation. Additionally, simple flirting or even full-on make-out sessions with your ex can be a good sign. The more interest is shown, the higher the chances of success. However, try not to make a mistake in understanding what is happening. Otherwise, your heart will be broken again.
