Author of the material:
Igor Lyadsky
Geneticist, writer, business coach, Doctor of Philosophy (PhD).
It is not necessary to follow the rules of life to be successful and happy, it is enough to know them and take them into account when making decisions. Another thing is principles. They are like good habits, the foundation on which character is built. With the right principles, you can achieve success. They are the ones who define such human qualities as wisdom, perseverance, and virtue. Knowing what laws of life are important for a person, you can see right through him.
If you ask about the meaning of existence of a lover, he will name the name of his soulmate, a mother will list her children, a careerist will talk about ambitions and goals. The essence of life is to live it happily, using the principle of reasonable selfishness. What will a woman do when her children grow up and leave their father's house? What will a lover do if feelings cool down?
Reasonable egoism consists in first becoming happy oneself, and only then turning into a source of joy for others. And what happiness is, which way to go towards it, everyone decides individually. To understand whether life has failed or everything is fine, just look back. If there is no desire to change anything, then life is good. So what are the laws of life?
Events outside are a reflection of the inner world.
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When problems arise, a person, as a rule, believes that the world has turned against him. But fighting an unknown enemy is like fighting against windmills. It is more advisable to analyze the situation and understand what led to it. Maybe it’s a matter of behavior, character traits, and not at all that someone from the outside wants to harm you. People are drawn to those who radiate joy, kindness and positivity, while avoiding those who are always complaining, gossiping and hostile.
Relationship
The next three recommendations affect love, family, friendships and business relationships. They are more strategic than the previous three rules, and to begin to apply them you may have to think and analyze where and in what situations they can be used by you. Or it’s possible that you are already guided by them:
- Take it or leave it. In a love relationship, it is useless to change someone's fundamental characteristics. Remember how difficult it is to change yourself or eradicate some of your weak traits, and even more so to change someone else. If the feedback is clearly not enough for your partner or friend to begin to change something in themselves, then it is better to accept this weakness. Or leave.
- Spend time with those who are a little better than you. Let these people be a little better than you, and no matter what exactly. They may be smarter, kinder, more diligent, more musical or athletic than you, or better at something else, but not by much. In any case, by interacting and communicating with them, you will learn something from them and rise to their level. At the same time, be careful with those who are much superior to you - next to them you may feel uncomfortable, and this is unlikely to help you improve.
- Appeal to inner motivation. The advice applies to both leaders and parents. If you are able to force another to change behavior, then more sustainable and reliable results are possible only due to the person’s internal interest in this. Nemko suggests comparing two approaches that appeal to different types of motivation.
First example: You can tell a subordinate: “I see that you have great potential, and I know that you would like to provide some value to people. I also know that you can become someone you can be proud of” instead of “If you do better, you can get a promotion.” Then you will influence the person's internal motivation, rather than relying on external incentives.
Second example: When talking to your child, you can try saying something like: “You are wonderful, and I know you want to behave well. Would you like to try to be home on time?” This approach will enable motivation mechanisms better than “If you come home late, you won’t go out for a week.”
(You can learn more about intrinsic motivation and self-motivation from the article “Motivation and Self-Motivation: A Guide to Development”).
We learned practical methods in the field of relationships with people. Now let's look at such a large and important layer of our life as work and career.
First try to do it yourself, then ask for help.
To grow, you need to do things that seem hard. You can achieve success only by overcoming difficulties, leaving your comfort zone. Asking for help is not prohibited, but first you need to try to figure out the problem yourself, and only if this is not possible, resort to the advice of others. At the same time, the other person should not solve your problems; it will be more useful if, based on his experience, he recommends how to do the right thing, teaches, and supports.
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Job
The following six principles are for those who want to succeed in the professional field in the long term. These rules are intended to serve as signposts for the strategic plan.
1. Follow your passion... and go hungry. According to Marty Nemko, a huge number of people who decide to do what they love go into the same fields, for example, sports, fashion or environmental protection. As a result, supply and demand diverge, and rare representatives of following their passion are able to earn a decent living.
2. Put yourself in the employer's shoes. Sometimes applicants highlight what they consider to be their best qualities. It's more useful to use a test question like this for each phrase you want to say: "Will this make the employer want to hire me?" Check what you say about yourself in your resume, cover letter, LinkedIn profile (or profile on other job search sites and services), and during the interview itself.
3. No dust in the eyes. In our age, marketing in all its forms and variations is becoming more persistent and sophisticated. Don't get carried away by this in an attempt to retouch your resume and the way you present yourself. Yes, networking is necessary today, as is a great appearance, but they alone won’t get you far. If it is important for you to succeed in the long term and feel confident and positive, bet on your real skills and abilities. Constantly trying to appear better than you are and showing off will not work.
4. Build on strengths, work around weaknesses. We are much more resilient in who we are than we sometimes like to think. Marty Nemko, with his many years of coaching experience, knows this better than anyone. Therefore, it makes sense to rely on your strengths and advantages, choosing the appropriate activities, field of activity and hobbies. (Our 4-week online Self-Discovery program can help you better understand your strengths and weaknesses.)
In turn, one’s own weaknesses and shortcomings must first be realized and acknowledged. You can try to correct them, especially if they prevent you from living and being happy, or they harm others and do not allow you to build healthy relationships with people around you. (You may find programs that teach mental self-regulation and communication skills useful.) However, it would be wiser to stop wasting energy on changing yourself and developing something that is not inherent to you, and play to your strengths.
5. Maximum contribution instead of work-life balance. Nemko here suggests rethinking the provisions of the “work-life balance” approach, and devoting your free time from work not to “rest”, but to more meaningful and socially significant activities. It could be something that improves the lives of people around you, helps those you can help, and makes some valuable contribution to society. Of course, pay attention to how much strength and energy you have, and remember about yourself.
At the same time, it can be a wonderful vacation for you and even a hobby. It seems to us that Marty Nemko wants to emphasize that quality of life is not tied to the amount of rest and personal time, but rather to the satisfaction of the contribution and value that you bring to life. Even if you work hard, you can live a fulfilling and satisfying life by following this guideline, putting your gifts and abilities to good use.
6. Up is not the only direction. It is not right or healthy for everyone to strive for new heights. Perhaps it is you, right now or in this particular matter, who should slow down and look around, see other directions and paths. It is wise to look at the big picture:
- Does this job, position or direction have real prospects, and is it worth aiming for the very top?
- Is it really that important to be successful at this point in my life?
- Maybe, on the contrary, you should give up some responsibilities and activities and slow down?
- Is the desired goal worth the price it demands?
Thus, it turns out that there is no universal recipe for an ideal career and success, and first of all, it is important to clearly see your direction. We invite you to think about these questions, as well as the above rules, before rushing into battle for new achievements. It is likely that such an analysis will help you see what exactly is sagging in your area of work, and where you need to direct your efforts.
Standards of conduct for children
Parents should pay attention to the fact that children strive to imitate them in everything (consciously or not) and adopt the parental model of behavior. In this regard, parents need to set a good example for their children by making careful comments and coordinating their behavior in public places and on playgrounds.
Children aged 2-2.5 years tend to greet others with joy. This kind of behavior needs to be encouraged. When playing on the playground with your child, you can invite the children to exchange toys for a short time. This will make it easier for children to learn to share and ask permission to play with other people's toys.
A child over 3 years old should know that it is unacceptable to be noisy and run around in public places (shops, buses, clinics).
As a child gets older, it is necessary to teach him discipline and an appropriate style of communication with adults and peers. Rules of conduct for children over 6 years old:
- It is unacceptable to intervene in someone else's conversation and interrupt, to behave impudently and rudely towards adults and children.
- You should treat older people with politeness and respect and provide them with assistance.
- Behave within the bounds of decency in public places such as theaters, museums, exhibitions, concert halls. It is forbidden to make noise and distract attention to yourself.
- The child should be warned to be vigilant, as criminals can take advantage of his gullibility and courtesy. You should not enter into conversation with strangers or go anywhere with them.
Live according to nature
Diogenes Laertius explains what the ancient Stoics meant by their famous call to “live in accordance with nature”:
This is why Zeno was the first to declare in his treatise On Human Nature that the ultimate goal is to live in accordance with nature, and this is the same as living in accordance with virtue: nature itself leads us to virtue.
The same is said by Cleanthes (in the book “On Pleasure”), Posidonius and Hekaton (in the book “On Final Goals”). And vice versa, to live virtuously means the same as living according to the experience of everything that happens in nature (as Chrysippus writes in Book I “On Ultimate Goals”), because our nature is only a part of the whole. Therefore, the ultimate goal is defined as a life consistent with nature (both our nature and the nature of the whole)…
This is another aspect of ancient Stoicism, which draws direct meaning from the idea of cosmic providentialism - which, I repeat, in the light of modern science is untenable. However, expanding our knowledge of the cosmos does not mean that we should abandon the very concept of living according to nature. It only implies a competent interpretation of this instruction.
In essence, we can support the same dualistic interpretation proposed by Chrysippus, but from a slightly different angle. In modern ideas, living according to the nature of the cosmos means only accepting the world as it is, as opposed to how we would like it to be. “Follow the facts” (of physics or biology) is how the modern Stoic Larry Becker formulates this attitude.
In contrast, however, the injunction to live according to human nature can still be interpreted exactly as it was interpreted by the ancient Stoics. For their view of humans as essentially social and rational beings is beyond doubt supported by modern primatology, anthropology and cognitive science.
Therefore, when Epictetus tells us that when visiting public baths we should keep in mind two goals - giving oneself pleasure and preserving natural harmony - we may well twist his words to see in them a desire to enjoy taking care of oneself, while remaining reasonable and social. oriented (without, for example, falling into indignation at the behavior of others).
General rules of modern etiquette
- greeting when meeting: the younger ones greet first, then the older ones, men greet women first. An exception to this rule: any person entering the room, be it a man or a woman, is the first to greet those present;
- respecting the boundaries of personal space: do not stand too close; touching, patting, kissing and hugging a person is possible only after his permission;
- neatness of appearance: clothes should not only be fashionable, but also clean and appropriate to the situation;
- use of polite words (thank you, please, excuse me).
Etiquette is when you behave a little better than is absolutely necessary. Will Cappy.
Exercise
Think about and answer the following questions:
- Which recommendation did you find most valuable and applicable to your life?
- Could you start using these communication hacks?
- What rules do you already use in personal relationships and what could you try in the near future?
- How do job and career recommendations reflect your situation? What would make sense to start implementing?
- Think over your program to practice the skills you like. For example, set aside 3 days for each communication life hack or a month to learn how to create internal motivation in your loved ones. Put it in your calendar, set reminders, come up with a reward and go!
We wish you good luck!
We also recommend reading:
- Storytelling
- Four burner theory
- How to Deal with Difficult People
- 7 Ways to Make People Feel Important
- Mnemonics for beginners
- Coaching: what is it and how to learn it
- 12 Golden Rules for Life - life hacks for improving your life from Marty Nemko. Part 2
- Rules and ways to improve memory
- Effective communication techniques: a selection of useful materials
- Effective communication
- Techniques for a successful presentation: a selection of useful materials
Key words: 1Communications, 1Time management
Rules of good manners for men
A man’s appearance, clothing and demeanor will tell people a lot about him even before they come into personal contact with him, so you should not neglect the basic rules of etiquette:
- pleasant, fresh aroma. Modern cosmetics companies offer men the use of perfume lines, which include both hygiene and aromatic products that are combined with each other;
- a man’s wardrobe should be just as carefully selected;
- basic rule: shoes should ALWAYS be clean;
- watches: either good or not at all (obvious fakes are unacceptable);
- before shaking hands, a man must take off his glove; hands are not shaken in the toilet;
- headwear is removed indoors;
- It is a sign of good manners for a man to open and hold the door for his companion, help her put on or take off her coat;
- Men do not carry a small handbag, but a real gentleman will not allow a lady to carry a heavy suitcase in his presence;
- do not respond to rudeness and rudeness in the same way, find acceptable ways out of conflict situations.
