Sometimes our happiness can depend on what others think, say, or do—and that's not healthy. Each of us needs to work on emotional independence. “This is a great quality that allows you to have healthy relationships with both yourself and others. It opens up a wide range of possibilities,” explains psychologist Pilar Guerra. We spoke with several experts in the field of emotion management to learn how to work on emotional independence. Let's share our main secrets.
Learn to be alone
Loneliness is as important as love, affection and other social relationships. Carla Sanchez, wellness expert and co-founder of The Holistic Concept, notes that loneliness is a natural and necessary state. “Certain life events are inevitable and part of our personal growth. For this reason, learning to be alone is a great tool when it comes to coping with stress, loss, knowing yourself better and building relationships with yourself,” explains the expert.
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How to become independent from your loved one
Very often love turns into addiction. We do not imagine ourselves as separate from our other half, although in reality we were born whole. How to fall in love and remain an individual?
1. Rely only on your own funds. This applies to both girls and boys (before marriage, because later on the concept of a family budget usually arises). Don't go to an expensive restaurant if you realize that you don't have enough money to pay for yourself. If you rely on the financial support of your significant other, this is the first step towards addiction.
2. Find an interesting hobby. We cannot be with our loved ones 24 hours a day. And therefore, when one is busy, the other begins to get bored and stress himself out, which can subsequently lead to quarrels out of nowhere. To protect yourself from this, find an interesting hobby that will fill your thoughts and keep you burning. Why a hobby and not an additional job? Because it doesn't tire you.
3. Stop being jealous. Jealousy makes you very dependent on your loved one, his life, and behavior. Learn to trust. Easy to say, hard to do? Talk sincerely, find out what your other half thinks about it. And make sure you can be trusted.
4. Sometimes it's good to spend time apart. To prevent your relationship from turning into an addiction, but only become stronger, spend your time apart in an interesting way. Going to the movies with friends, going to the dacha with parents. This way you will have time to get bored and remain full-fledged individuals.
5. Get a cat. The phrase has already become a catchphrase. This advice doesn't only apply to girls. Why do we need cats? To take care of someone. It doesn’t matter if it’s a cat, a parrot, a turtle, or a hamster. Animals will make your life fuller.
Take responsibility for your life
Psychologist and mindfulness instructor Alba Valle emphasizes that emotional independence and responsibility go hand in hand. “When we take responsibility for ourselves and our lives, we stop being victims. And complaints and emotional dependence are a cycle of low self-esteem, insecurity, dissatisfaction and internal problems. To be confident, you need to take full responsibility for what happens in your life.”
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How to become independent from friends
We are often dependent on our friends. We are afraid to cause condemnation from them. How can I lose this?
1. Don’t be friends with those who lower your self-esteem. Most often, it is precisely such people who are interested in you being dependent on them and listening only to their advice. Most often, these are ordinary envious people who do not want to witness your success. Save them from these inconveniences - just stop communicating.
2. Always defend your opinion. Companies often disagree. This is quite natural - how many people, so many opinions. Therefore, you don’t need to give up your beliefs just because your friends don’t support them. You have the right to your own opinion.
3. Surround yourself with people who motivate you to develop. They are constantly doing something interesting, always burning with new ideas. You definitely won’t be dependent on such people - they won’t allow it. They have little time for all sorts of addictions. Take a positive example from them.
4. Communicate with diverse people. We often make friends with peers who are also our classmates or fellow students. But it’s also worth communicating with people who have different interests, thoughts, and views on the world. They see situations that you have been arguing about for a week now from a different angle. A fresh look will help you avoid becoming dependent on established interpretations.
5. Don't follow the masses. Everyone buys tickets to the concert of a fashionable group, how can you be the black sheep? Everyone is packing for a picnic, how can you be left out? How not to post photos on social networks from such a popular event? And like this. Listen to yourself. In such a powerful information noise, this is difficult. So first try not to do something just because everyone else is doing it. And then think about whether you need it. And why.
Build personal boundaries
An emotionally independent person has empathy for others, but knows where to set boundaries. “Emotional dependence is often intertwined with self-sufficiency. This minimizes your needs and you start putting someone else's priorities above your own. That's why it's important to practice self-affirmation and give yourself permission to feel and accept your thoughts and emotions,” says Carla Sanchez.
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How to become independent from the opinions of others
“What will others think?” - keeps ringing in your head? This over-reliance on society's assessment is very common. But ultimately, you need to get rid of this burden and stop being afraid of judgment.
1. Be tolerant. We are different, we are individuals. Everyone has their own opinion and the right to express it. But it often happens that they do not coincide. You need to take this calmly. Be patient with others. Everyone has their own path in life, a different attitude to the same problems.
2. Ignore. The technique seems simple at first glance, but it is not so easy to implement. Don't communicate with people who dictate how to live. Don’t argue with them on social networks, don’t prove your opinion to them, and in any case don’t make excuses – you still won’t convince them.
3. Learn to fend off psychological blows. It sometimes happens that some individuals are not at all aware of the first point. And then the instructions and caustic remarks begin. This is a public opinion shrouded in fears and legends: “You don’t eat / dress / live like that.” What to do? Learn to put your offenders in their place without a showdown. How? A typical situation: you have long dreamed of an unconventional trip. You're planning to hitchhike across Europe, but your bold plan haunts your colleagues. “He doesn’t want to work, so he goes,” some say, “He’s just lazy,” others say. Don’t be afraid to answer that you don’t dream, but act immediately. And with a smile, promise to bring everyone sea shells from the Mediterranean and palm leaves from Barcelona.
4. Respond to evil with good. Thank them for their “valuable” and “bright” advice regarding the arrangement of your life, compliment them for their vigilance, observation and attention to your modest person. And without a hint of irony. Turn a negative into a positive and you will gain freedom from such a burden.
5. Don't think in stereotypes. Perhaps you yourself provoke a negative attitude, condemnation or instruction. Analyze your behavior: how often do you think about an elderly person: “Oh, he’s old, he lives in the last century, he won’t say anything useful,” or about a blonde: “She’s probably stupid.” If such thoughts emerge, then stop them immediately and return to the first point - each of us is different, do not generalize, as this will certainly lead to stereotypes, and they will lead to misunderstandings.
Improve all areas of your life
Alba Valle associates emotional independence with the need to develop all areas of life. She suggests doing a simple exercise: draw a rectangle and divide it into several parts, each of which is a separate plot (relationships with yourself, work, family, partner and others). “Plot by plot, analyze how you feel in this area. Think about how you can improve this area now. This exercise stimulates our minds to become more independent and responsible for the well-being of our lives.”
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How to become independent from your family
One of our strongest addictions. Some people can’t get rid of it even at 40. You don’t need to move out from your parents at 15. You have the power to become independent, even while living with them.
1. Start earning money on your own. It's corny, but it works like a charm. As soon as you stop asking your mom for pocket money, you will immediately feel superior. And your mom too.
2. Negotiate with parents. If there is some issue that cannot be resolved without the intervention of father and mother (for example, a trip to study abroad), start negotiating with them. No scandals or raising your voice. Calmly and reasonably explain why you should go, how you see your life there, and so on.
Almost every family has its own unwritten rules, laws and responsibilities for each member. But often we forget to do them on time. Start taking out the trash or washing the dishes without persistent reminders, the results won’t take long.
4. Do without the help of your parents. Do you have a toothache? Broken phone? Don’t rush to immediately run to your parents, complain and ask for help. Try to solve your problems yourself: call the dental office and make an appointment, take your phone to be repaired. So that your independence is not so short, pay for these services yourself. Where can I get money? See point 1.
5. Become a full-fledged member of the family. Paradoxically, in order to become independent from the family, you need to become an independent member of it. Because the old truth says: “If you can’t win, lead.” From time to time, please your family with pizza or a fruit salad of your own making, go for groceries after school or work, pay for part of the utilities, initiate cleaning of the apartment (not just your room), offer interesting ideas for a joint holiday.
Saying no is easy for you
For many, refusing is a real challenge, especially if they are afraid of hurting loved ones. Dependent people say “yes” and believe that this is easier than strengthening their willpower with refusals.
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Individuals with an independent character easily say “no” and do not even always give an explanation for their refusal. They are courageous and take the attitude of “I say no because I want to.”
Reasons for lack of independence
Life is full of difficulties, and requires a person to make immediate decisions, behind which lies responsibility for his own life, and sometimes the lives of others. At first glance, it may seem that only children and adolescents may experience problems with decision-making. However, in real life everything is much more complicated, and a person’s age does not affect the ability to make decisions at all.
According to psychologists, the reasons for lack of independence should be sought in early childhood. Remember Sigmund Freud's statement that all problems come to us from childhood? This statement clearly demonstrates how mistakes in raising a child can negatively affect the development of his personality in the future.
Before understanding the problems associated with the inability to make important decisions, let's look at the etymology of the concept of “responsibility”:
Independence is a person’s ability to fulfill all obligations and follow generally accepted norms in society. In addition, responsibility implies awareness of the consequences of decisions made.
In childhood and adolescence, we often commit infantile actions. This is due to the fact that the child has a limited perception of the world and also lacks life experience. Often a child cannot identify a cause-and-effect relationship, so in some situations he acts completely illogically. However, as we grow older, society requires us to comply with established requirements and rules.
It is worth immediately understanding that responsibility is not part of character, and not an innate feature inherent in a person. Independence is a synonym for responsibility, as well as a certain value guideline that society instills in teenagers in the older generation.
The reasons for lack of independence are the following:
- manifestation of excessive guardianship on the part of parents, imposition of one’s own opinion;
- excessive severity is another extreme that parents often show in the process of raising their child;
- individual characteristics of a person - by nature, people can be timid and indecisive, and the need to make decisions becomes a painful and even painful procedure for them;
- The position of a “dependent person” is convenient for a person; he chooses it for personal reasons.
Each of the described reasons is completely solvable, the main thing is to determine the nature of the problem in time. Starting to work on yourself is a serious step, but simple tips will help make your dreams of an independent and independent life come true.
Speak with confidence
Often, independence and independence lies not only in the internal readiness to cope with difficulties and make decisions, but also in a person’s appearance. A hunched back and shuffling gait demonstrate that the person is reserved and does not want to stand out from the crowd. For an independent person, it is extremely important to be able to correctly convey your opinion. There are several secrets that will help you master public speaking skills:
- stand in front of the mirror and repeat the tongue twisters, clearly drawing out each sound;
- pay attention to the speech of people who serve as an example for inspiration;
- in your spare time, learn poetry, read as much as possible;
- to gain practical experience, enroll in a theater studio or a poetry club - reciting poems in front of an audience will give you valuable experience and give you the opportunity to get used to the attention of others.
Simple tips and constant practice will help you become a true master of words, and not be timid even in front of the most skilled speaker.
Strive for self-sufficiency
In order to fully express yourself as an independent and responsible person, you need to clearly know your responsibilities. We recommend writing a complete list of responsibilities for which you are personally responsible in life. For example, why not get into the habit of ironing things yourself? Or cook dinner, buy food without anyone's help.
Experts recommend getting a pet or growing a garden to fully demonstrate responsibility and care. Caring for an animal, walking and feeding help you feel the full burden of responsibility, which will certainly make you an independent person who is responsible not only for your own life, but also for the lives of others.
A good option would be to attend a first aid course. Imagine that the skills acquired during training can save the life of another person. The basics of auto mechanics will make you independent on the road, since any breakdown will not unsettle you, and will make you a real king of the road. Maintaining a healthy lifestyle will help you gain independence from illnesses and visits to doctors.
Happiness is not a frequent visitor, but your daily companion
Emotional independence will free you from your negative emotions. You cannot achieve freedom right away, but every day you will get closer to it. Every small victory makes you stronger and more resilient. Your fortitude will inspire people and your relationships will blossom. And you will never again have to wait for someone else to resolve your situation. You will find happiness. And then happiness will not be a guest coming into your house from time to time, but will become your friend and partner for life.
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Financial independence is one of the fundamental aspects
True personal freedom is impossible without economic security and independence. Hungry unemployed people are cadres for dictatorship © Franklin Roosevelt
You can be an exemplary family man, an emotionally stable person, anyone, but if your financial well-being, in your understanding, does not depend on you, you are far from independent. The modern market economy is not the fairest mechanism; it often malfunctions, plunging millions into poverty, and at the same time making dozens of the richest people. But the market economy and capitalism in general work according to a completely honest postulate - to each according to his intelligence and abilities.
You must determine the criteria for your financial independence yourself. You don't need to earn millions of dollars a day to be financially independent. Financial independence means not being completely tied to a security environment that may influence your decisions. In other words, financial independence arises at the moment when you move from the issue of living on a specific amount to the issue of saving. If you live from paycheck to paycheck, which is often not enough for you, if you have to cut down on essential expenses, you are a financially dependent person.
Financial independence means that you are able to independently organize your life or your family, if you have one.
