As a virtue, modesty is not very popular. People with this character trait do not often appear on the covers of glossy publications, scandals do not erupt around them, and in general they give very little reason for sensations, even if they are famous.
This leads to one misconception about modest people: that they lack confidence. But this is not so, because they have inner strength, although they do not boast about it, flaunting it. Thus, we can say that modesty is a quiet strength.
According to Wikipedia, modesty is the ability to keep oneself within limits, to be moderate, calm, and restrained. This can be either a character trait or a person’s way of life, or, interestingly, a skill.
Modesty is expressed in the following:
- maintaining the limits of decency;
- moderation of demands;
- decency and sedateness in communicating with other people;
- lack of lust for power, the desire to dominate, showing off;
- indifference to luxury and excess.
To explore the power of humility, we'll look at this character trait from all angles, understand how it combines with its influence on other people, answer some questions, and also conduct a little self-analysis.
Two types of influential forces
In the context of modesty, there are two types of people. And they are, as a rule, on completely opposite sides of the social spectrum.
The first type has a fleeting influence on others. They seem quite powerful and confident, but their strength turns out to be insignificant. Maybe you succumbed to their influence today, but tomorrow it will completely disappear. People of the second type have very little influence at first, but over time it grows and becomes stronger.
Before we take a closer look at the two types of people, let's do a quick self-analysis to determine which side of the spectrum you fall on. Ask yourself the following questions:
- Am I acting out of fear or gratitude?
- As a rule, am I more likely to trust people or are they more likely to trust me?
- Do I always try to prove that I am right or am I comfortable with the fact that people can have their own opinions?
- Do I feel that I am better than others or perceive them as my equal?
- Are people in my shadow or am I allowing them to be in the spotlight?
- Do I often brag about my achievements or do I prefer to talk about other people's achievements?
Pay attention to the conjunction “or”: it helps to talk about the behavior of two types of people in one sentence. Write down the answers to the questions, and then answer another one: how do you feel in those situations that you did not choose? For example, if you like to be the life of the party, how do you feel when others are the center of attention?
If you tend to choose both options, then you are somewhere in the middle of this spectrum. Perhaps this behavior is reasonable. In any case, this is better than being too modest (even shy) or overly self-confident.
Of course, the amount of influence depends on many factors. However, there is one that stands out from the rest and has great power: whether you act out of gratitude or fear. In other words, out of a sense of humility or arrogance (a form of dominance).
Yes, arrogance, like many unpleasant human traits, is a derivative of inner fear. We are afraid that we will not be appreciated enough, so we choose defiant behavior to boost our self-esteem and muffle the voice of fear.
You won't taste recognition
What motivates us at work? Money? Of course. But not only. How much praise and recognition of our merits mean to each of us. Remember how many positive emotions, what an overwhelming release of endorphins you felt when at the boss’s planning meeting you heard gratitude addressed to you for a job well done and felt like a winner. These minutes are worth months of hard work. So don’t give them to anyone, allow yourself to bask in the rays of success. And learn to properly accept praise and listen to compliments.
The benefits of modesty
Modesty has several very solid advantages over arrogance and the ignorance that often follows.
Great for leadership
Humble leaders are not only loved, they are also more productive and efficient in their responsibilities. A good leader is one who knows how to admit his mistakes and draw conclusions from them.
Increases self-control
Self-control is one of the key aspects of a successful life. Paradoxical or not, being obsessed with one's personality leads to decreased self-control.
Increases work capacity
A modest person rarely rests on his laurels, that is, after completing one task, he immediately takes on the second. He enjoys the process itself, and not the results, which sets him apart from others. In the end, modesty allows you to save mental energy, which is directed towards performing work duties.
Helps you learn and develop new skills
Humble people know that they “know nothing.” They are never satisfied with their current level of skills, so they strive to develop every day. When a person behaves humbly, it is easier for him to set himself up for a long journey. This is important, for example, when learning a foreign language or creating a startup.
Reduces prejudice
If a person is modest, he is less likely to look at the world with prejudice and show tolerance towards others.
Creates strong relationships between people
Humble people have stronger relationships. Why? They make the other person feel important because they don't focus on their ego.
Where does this tendency come from?
The habit of sticking to the “golden mean” in everything, not sticking out and being like everyone else , grows from a sweet, kind and familiar childhood. Often, parents encourage their children to develop a modest attitude towards everything: self-expression, manners, appearance, and even in expressing their own feelings towards other people.
But whether it brings the desired effect is another question! The problems that shy and modest people face are not so illusory.
If we look at an example, then among the representatives of this “race” one can hardly find leaders , discoverers and inventors.
An active position and manifestation of disobedience are alien to them . In a team they remain silent , in the company of people - in the shadows , but within themselves they can hide entire oceans of interesting views and opinions.
Very often, this type of personality suffers from tyranny and dominance of other, more self-confident people. The tendency to carry everything inside oneself arises precisely from shyness.
Therefore, a frequent case of diseases of the nervous system or psyche occurs precisely in this segment of “modest people”. How to deal with such a dangerous trait?
Disadvantages of Modesty
We have already talked about a metaphorical scale on which excessive modesty is at the very extreme point of one end. This can already be called painful shyness, which is fraught with many disadvantages. Here are the main ones.
People will underestimate you
This is the biggest reason why you shouldn't be too modest.
If no one knows about what you've done, what important projects you've worked on, or what you've achieved, then don't be surprised that you're underappreciated. People simply don't have the right information.
Not everyone makes false assumptions, but most people will judge your abilities based on what they know. Excessive modesty leads to a lack of information. So don't be afraid to talk about your successes, just be careful not to sound like you're bragging. What to do? Communicate achievements at the right time, especially when asked directly.
Your skills may go unnoticed
How will people (especially a potential employer) know about your skills if you don't mention them? If you don't communicate your abilities, your talents will go unnoticed. And this has a very detrimental effect, for example, on income levels. But don’t just talk about it, but also show yourself in action.
You may end up becoming a follower rather than a leader.
While humility is the hallmark of a good leader, going to extremes can be costly. People need to know that you know how to lead, make strong-willed decisions, and have the ability to influence others.
What to do? Take advantage of every opportunity to lead people or take on complex projects that require strong team management.
You risk ending badly
You may know that you have been given a lot, feel great potential, but never realize it. Bury your talent in the ground! And all because of upbringing, which does not allow you to “show off” your capabilities, talk about your achievements and voice your brilliant ideas. It is hurtful and bitter to realize this. How many worthy people - talented, knowledgeable, original - simply lost themselves, fell into depression, drank themselves to death, waiting to be noticed and appreciated. Many, without noticing it themselves, generally turned into unhappy, angry, envious people. And their more assertive, but less talented colleagues, meanwhile, successfully made their careers, prospered and looked condescendingly at the modest ones who were unable to overcome their fatal character trait.
How to get rid of shyness
Excessive modesty develops into shyness, so you need to know how to get rid of it.
Reflect on your personality
Shyness, in contrast to introversion, which is associated with silence and restraint, is characterized by indecisiveness, tension, timidity, and social awkwardness.
Such a person harbors a huge fear that others will evaluate him in a negative way. Instead of thinking about what needs to be done, he focuses too much on the problem itself, without trying to find a way out.
One way to reduce social anxiety is to spend more time thinking about what you can think of to make the situation successful. Ask yourself questions:
- In what situations do I show excessive modesty?
- How can I make these situations more comfortable for me?
Be interested in other people
As we have already mentioned, an overly modest and shy person focuses too much on his emotions and feelings, and therefore cannot feel “at ease.” The solution is simple: start thinking about other people. This is a simple and effective strategy that not only helps remove anxiety, but also engages others. After all, everyone likes it when people pay attention to them.
This will be difficult at first, so ask yourself questions that will stimulate your curiosity:
- What are this person's interests and hobbies?
- What message does he want to convey?
- Why is this person behaving this way?
Soften your internal dialogue
Shy people are often very critical of themselves, and their self-talk can be very harsh.
The inner critic can cause a lot of emotional damage, robbing you of peace of mind and lowering your self-esteem. All this only aggravates the problem, making it impossible to find a solution.
The voice with which you talk to yourself can become your best friend. Use words like “should” or “must” less often, especially in social situations.
You won't know what it means to be a leader
The desire for leadership is inherent in human nature. Be the first to catch and kill a mammoth, grab the best piece, occupy the best cave... Nowadays, leadership allows you to fully realize yourself, gives you a feeling of fullness of life - and you don’t have to become a top manager in a large corporation or win the presidential race, just leading a project is enough. And a modest person is forced to suppress this natural need in himself - to be the first, the best, the main one. Remember: there are no humble bosses.
How to develop humility while influencing others
There are many things you can do to become a more humble person without losing your personality or becoming shy.
The easiest way to do this is to list the actions, habits, behaviors, and beliefs that create the modesty cocktail. Mix these ingredients together and you will get all the benefits we talked about earlier.
Remember that a humble person:
- Often redirects praise to other people, as Oscar winners do.
- Openly admits his mistakes and failures.
- Boosts other people's confidence without bringing yourself down.
- He does not flaunt his achievements and talents, but does not hide them.
- Recognizes that skills and abilities do not appear out of the blue, but are the result of long and focused work.
- When talking, he tries to dig deeper and find out what is good about the interlocutor. He acknowledges his merits directly, but does not flatter him.
- Believes there is always more to learn. He does not stop for a second in his self-development.
- Admits his mistakes and corrects them.
So here are simple strategies to help you become a more humble person.
1
Thank other people
Gratitude can make you less self-centered and helps you focus on the people around you. It kills pride and high self-esteem.
Expressing gratitude makes a person humble. It could be something small, like a simple “Thank you!” the person who held the door. Or significant, when you, as a leader, distinguish the contribution of each team member to success.
2
Treat everyone the same
This is one of the hardest ways to become humble. And yet, it is the most effective.
We humans are often susceptible to various cognitive distortions. For example, the “Eva Braun Effect” suggests that we tend to sympathize with other people simply because we know them.
Humble people are kind, considerate, courteous, and respectful to everyone they meet. Treat every person with the respect and dignity they deserve. Don't judge people by their status or position.
3
Ask for feedback
Self-confident, ignorant people do not need feedback, because they already know everything and they do not need to learn anything more.
Ask a few close friends to be really honest about three things they value about you and three areas where you could use some growth.
4
Challenge preconceptions
Psychology Ph.D. Joshua Hook believes that to become humble and moderate, you need to start with the following exercise: identify an area in which you have little understanding.
One of his students, for example, had a lot of prejudices about older people and believed that they were much stupider and more primitive than young people. He visited a nursing home and completely changed his mind.
Hug says, “During this exercise you must listen and learn. Don’t prove your point of view and don’t make sudden conclusions.”
If you have negative preconceptions about, say, a particular religion, attend a service or talk to someone who practices it. Humility and modesty is the desire to keep the mind open to everything new.
5
Start with a question
Start a meeting with a person with a question, not a search for a solution. Why is this necessary?
If you ask a question, you are demonstrating that you don't know something. Thus, enter into a state of active learning. You are not trying to immediately say something, to start a topic that you know well. Instead, you show the other person that you are ready to accept new information.
6
Listen to people
Another tip that is very difficult to implement. And again we are talking about the ego. Why do people prefer to talk rather than listen? Because he raises self-esteem, asserts himself by uttering some words.
A modest person does not need all this. He knows that he is strong inside, so he listens with great pleasure. He understands that you can learn more with your ears, asks questions and does not interrupt.
If you're used to talking all the time, try challenging yourself to listen to people for a month. This amazing experience will open up another world. You will find that you can feel comfortable by occasionally saying a word or two and focusing entirely on what the other person is saying.
All this requires great awareness. As soon as you remember this advice, especially when you find yourself in the spotlight, give up that space to someone else and start asking him open advice. You will see that it can be real fun.
7
Accept failure
An immodest person will react very violently to failures, blaming others, because he does not want to lower his self-esteem (as he believes).
A humble person understands that there is nothing humiliating in accepting failure and defeat. After all, the main thing is how you react and what actions you take.
Humility and modesty will allow you to face difficult challenges without fear of failure. But if the worst happens, this is just another reason to roll up your sleeves and continue to work on yourself.
8
Constantly learn
Humility has another good side: humble people know they are imperfect and never stop learning. It’s not that they strive for incredible success, it’s just that this process gives them pleasure.
You can learn in absolutely any situation:
- If something good happens, this is a reason to learn to rejoice from the heart.
- If something bad happens, it means there is a chance to test the strength of your psyche or your ability to make decisions under pressure.
- If nothing has happened and there is unbearable boredom around, then learn to entertain yourself through reflection, observation, and meditation.
We wish you good luck!
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We also recommend reading:
- Storytelling
- Shyness: causes, consequences and elimination
- Conditions for character formation
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- Character
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- Qualities more important than IQ
- Black Triad
- Four types of stress
- Level 5 leader
- Burno's typology
Key words:_D1014, _D1029, 1Psychoregulation
You won't taste money
Yes, it’s sad, but modest people don’t get paid much. Their lot is a modest salary, which allows them not to die of hunger and not lose their miserable housing. This is so unfair, because it is precisely on such employees - diligent, capable and reliable, but timid - that everything often rests, it is they who pull the cart, their ideas bring huge profits, but management has no idea about this, because they always take credit for their merits someone lively and not burdened with complexes. If you don't want to spend your whole life counting pennies, do something about yourself: learn to be bold, assertive and arrogant when it comes to your professional recognition.
You will become an outcast
Modesty can play a cruel joke on you. If you feel awkward when communicating with employees, avoid them, are not interested in their affairs, and do not engage in conversations, what might they think of you? That you are arrogant and conceited. How can they know that you are just shy? And over time, you will discover that stable groups have formed in the team, where you are not invited. And no one strives to communicate with you, and no one is interested in your opinion, and there is emptiness around you. Feeling like an outcast will not make you happier. Still, we spend almost half of our lives at work, and it is very important to find a common language with employees, establish friendly, or even friendships - this helps in your career and simply eases the daily burden.
The turnover will eat you up
While you sit modestly in your work corner, more and more new tasks will be thrown at you. But what, your upbringing does not allow you to say the word “no”, you do not dare to refuse an arrogant employee who is trying to shift part of his responsibilities onto you, and then successfully pass off what you have done as his own. And you don’t dare contradict your boss. So you have to stay up late to do someone else’s work. No, that will not do. You must finally have a voice in order to defend your rights and not allow other people’s functions to be assigned to you. So that you have time to work on your project and prove that you can bring great value to the company.
Is it possible to stop being overly modest?
As with any personality trait, excessive modesty is difficult to overcome.
Once they actually know this truth, they may be nervous about taking the first step toward correcting it because they are afraid of what others might think.
Even though it may not be easy, it can be managed. To do this, you must forget about other people's opinions, at least in your daily life. It is important for you to feel comfortable with your own decisions, even if they are not always the right ones.
Important!
Ultimately, learning to love and respect yourself will help you leave behind excessive modesty.
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