Why do you need to be able to ask correctly?
There is a principle in computer science that goes like this: “Garbage in, garbage out.” It means that if the source data is incorrect, then the result will be meaningless and useless, even if the solution algorithm is correct. This principle also applies to human communication. If you ask incorrectly, then you will receive an unsatisfactory answer.
It would seem that what is so difficult about formulating a question? In fact, this is an entire art that only a few masterfully master. After all, with the help of a question you can not only get the information you are interested in. By asking, you can indirectly express your attitude towards something, push your interlocutor to a certain thought without him even noticing, politely and tactfully put the offender in his place, and much more.
We will try to master the basics of this art in order to successfully apply them in life. In the future, you will be able to study further and improve your skills if you like the effect and have a desire to develop in this area.
Take a look at our article on how to develop communication skills.
How to start a conversation?
Before starting a conversation, ask your interlocutor a few questions, after which you can move on to the conversation itself.
This way you will achieve a psychological advantage. The following are the types of questions you can ask in the dialogue:
- Closed questions Such questions require a specific and unambiguous answer - “yes” or “no”.
Questions like these will help you figure out how to proceed. There is no need to immediately push a person to make a decision. Remember that it is much easier to convince a person, rather than to convince him. - Open-ended questions There is no need to give a definitive answer to this type of question.
Open questions require detailed information that cannot be obtained with closed questions. With the help of such questions, you can find out your attitude to the situation under discussion. In addition, this type of question contains a solution to the problem. - Leading questions are questions that assume an obvious answer: the question is structured in such a way as to tell him how he should act. Leading questions are typically used when talking to timid people.
- Rhetorical questions are usually used to provoke a certain reaction in a person, for example, to gain support or to emphasize something.
Such questions should be relevant and understandable. - Provocative questions are used to manipulate a person.
But you should consider all the risks associated with them, because, to some extent, you are challenging a person.
What helps and what hinders communication
Types of questions
There are several techniques for asking questions. The choice of the appropriate one is determined by the specific situation.
Closed
Closed questions are aimed at obtaining a specific, concise answer. Most often “yes” or “no”. They are used when you need to quickly get an answer without unnecessary details. Popular in various questionnaires and questionnaires.
Closed questions are not intended to get the interlocutor talking. With their help, you will not learn anything about his emotions, feelings, motives for actions. It happens, however, that a person, even in response to a closed question, launches into lengthy explanations. This means that he basically likes to talk and is attracted to you.
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Examples:
- Do you live in Moscow?
- In what year were you born?
- Do you have any pets?
- What is your blood group?
- Who did you go to the concert with yesterday?
In what cases are they most appropriate:
- the interlocutor is closed and not in the mood to be frank;
- you have little time, you need to get information quickly;
- you need to make sure that you understand the other person correctly.
Personal communication should not consist only of closed questions, otherwise it will look like a formal interview.
Open
Open questions are asked in order to obtain a detailed answer. They are most often used in personal communication. When you come for a consultation with a psychologist or psychotherapist, you will also hear many open questions.
With their help, you can find out a person’s point of view about a problem, his train of thoughts, features of his worldview, etc. Sometimes they are formulated in the form of incentive sentences, rather than interrogative ones. For example: “Tell me about your childhood.”
Remember how you wrote school essays on literature. Most often these were detailed answers to open questions.
Examples:
- Why did you choose this hotel?
- How did you solve the problem that arose?
- What do you think we should do to improve efficiency?
- How was the meeting last week?
- What do you think about the introduction of restrictions?
This technique is best suited for having a frank heart-to-heart conversation. It demonstrates your interest in the interlocutor and lays the foundation of trust.
Clarifying
The point of clarifying questions is that they allow you to delve deeper into the problem and fill in missing details in the story. With their help, you can control the dialogue and direct it in the direction you want.
Examples:
- What exactly did you mean when you spoke about the inadmissibility of violence?
- You said there were three of you. Who are the two people that were with you?
- Please clarify what color the car you were talking about was.
- Did I understand correctly that you won't come tomorrow?
Understanding the reasons
You need to imagine the world before something happened. The project has not been implemented. The product has not been released to the market. The process is not running. The regulation has not been implemented. What was there? What problems did you encounter? What conflicts arose? Between whom and whom? What level of complaints were there? Who was happy with maintaining the status quo and why? Who is interested in change and why? Why is maintaining the status quo not possible? How did you try to solve the problems and why were you unable to solve them? At least two ways. What event can trigger a change?
Rules for asking questions
Now you understand the different questioning techniques and can choose the most appropriate one for the situation. But there's something else you need to know. Catch 5 tips from a psychologist that will help you succeed in this art.
- Prepare in advance
If you are about to have a serious conversation or interview, think about what you will ask in advance. This way you will avoid awkward pauses and feel more confident. Naturally, this advice does not apply to a friendly conversation. Spontaneity and sincere emotions are important there.
- Formulate it more simply
Avoid complex, extended phrases when composing a question. Otherwise, the interlocutor may simply get confused in your wording. It's best to ask in one simple sentence.
Incorrect: “Yesterday, when you were at a concert and a classmate approached you, what were you wearing?”
Correct: “What were you wearing last night?”
- Come up with several options for the question
This will help you choose the best option that gets the point across most clearly. It may be useful to apply the same question to different periods of time. For example: “What time management techniques are you going to implement in the next week/month/year?”
- Consider the context
Before asking a question, always test it for appropriateness in a given situation. It is better to remain silent and remain unanswered than to put your interlocutor in an awkward position.
For example, you should not ask at a business meeting how a person plants cucumbers in the garden, or ask how your vacation was, or at a funeral.
I also advise you to read about the QBQ method. This is the art of asking the right questions. You will learn how to use questions as a tool for self-management and reformatting of thinking.
How to win over your opponent?
As you know, brevity is the sister of talent .
The question should be short, concise and clear. A complex and lengthy question may confuse your interlocutor, so you will not receive a specific answer. To prevent the interlocutor from feeling that he is under interrogation, use soft intonations. When asking a question, do it in a relaxed manner.
“For the answer to be positive, the question must be seductive.” Stas Yankovsky
Common Mistakes
Let's also go over the most common mistakes people make when asking something.
- Ask a question that contains a ready answer
People often make this mistake when they are unsure of something and want outside confirmation. Such questions are not only meaningless, they are also harmful. By asking them, a person reveals self-doubt and unwillingness to rely on oneself.
Examples:
- Does this blouse suit me?
- Do you agree that this is the best offer?
- I think we should postpone the trip, don't you think so too?
In all these options, a person tries to shift part of the responsibility for making a decision onto the interlocutor. Moreover, the opinion of the person himself is not taken into account; he is told in plain text what he must answer. Many people are annoyed by such navigating. If you really want an unbiased view of the problem, ask differently.
- Put pressure on your interlocutor
Questions can also be a way of putting pressure on the interlocutor. I strongly advise against using them for this purpose. You will lose the person's trust and lose the chance to get the information you need.
Examples:
- Why the hell haven't you washed the dishes yet?
- Do you think it's okay to talk to me like that?
- Is it okay that I've been waiting for you for 10 minutes?
It is better to express your indignation with an affirmative sentence. It's more constructive.
- Asking a new question without waiting for an answer to the previous one
By doing so, you risk being left without important answers. A person cannot keep several questions in mind at once. Most likely, he will answer only the last one. You will either have to repeat it several times, or be content with incomplete information.
- Feign understanding
If you don’t understand something in your interlocutor’s answer, don’t hesitate to ask again or clarify certain points. An unclear answer is useless; you will never be able to apply it in life. Moreover, the person will assume that you understand him and expect an appropriate reaction.
Don't be afraid to seem stupid and irritate your interlocutor by asking again. On the contrary, he will note your responsible attitude to his words and will be imbued with respect.
Contents of changes
What is the essence of the idea? What needs to be changed to remove existing contradictions? Why do we believe that contradictions will be eliminated?
From whom and what efforts will be required to implement changes? What motivates them? Is this motivation enough? Do they need it? Who will oppose the changes? What is being done to neutralize resistance or turn opponents into allies?
Under what conditions can we claim that changes are irreversible?
How to ask the right question to get a positive answer
You can get what you want from others by intentionally using leading questions that encourage people to answer you affirmatively.
There is such a thing as positively asked questions, which are based on two principles:
YES is better than NO
Disagreement is a generally uncomfortable communication experience.
It could even be considered impolite behavior. When you disagree, you seem to protest the interlocutor’s argument and argue so as not to lead to a failure in communication. Compared to the risk and discomfort of disagreement (NO), agreement (YES) is generally preferable. When you ask questions, as a rule, you should “lead” the interlocutor to a positive conclusion and answer your questions.
Create by speaking
When you say something, in order for the other person to understand what you are saying, he must fully engage and understand what you are saying.
For example, if you say “don't stand up” when asking a question to a person in the audience, then the person should think about getting up instead of immediately answering you, whereas if you said “stay seated,” then all that What the person needs to do is remain in a sitting position (which, in this case, also improves their current condition) and answer your question immediately.
Therefore, when asking positive questions, you should only say what you want the other person to think about and avoid saying what you don't want the other person to spend time thinking about.
Questions that guide
Using the questions above, the other person may engage in some action or receive a different reaction.
Creating Affirmative Action
In order to get someone to answer a question positively, ask him, indicating some action, and formulate the question itself in such a way that by saying “YES”, the interlocutor comes to complete agreement and compliance on his part:
- Will you do this work?
- I was wondering with you, would you like to walk with me?
- Can you help me get this to the top?
- Would you take this item for less?
Persuasive action
In order to force a person to do something you need, which he would not like to do, your question should encourage him to do it; for this, try using the “reverse” principle in questions, examples below:
- Do you mind very much if you do this work?
- I know you might not want to come with me, but would you be so kind?
- Are you only going to watch football there?
- Will you change the price you previously announced?
Preventive action
To get someone not to do something, use the positive aspects of a negative task:
- Would you rather do anything else?
- Who else do you want to go with?
- Do you want to watch football?
- Do you want me to agree to your price?
