How to make friends with others if you're a shy introvert

Good day! Lyudmila Redkina is with you, and today we are studying the most important human function. Without what will a person not be a person? Without what is most of the information around us lost? What is it that a woman especially cannot live without for a day? Of course, without communication! Communication helps us develop, become smarter and satisfy all our needs. Excuse me, you can’t even go to the toilet in an unfamiliar city if you don’t find out where it is. What can we say about the need for recognition or respect if a person does not communicate?! So, in this article we talk about how to communicate with people correctly, and what we get in the process of communication.

COMPLETE LIST OF HUMAN SKILLS

Be yourself

Introverts need solitude, and you shouldn’t give it up.
It's okay if you don't want to spend all your time around other people. So before you look for new friends, ask yourself, do you really need it? Maybe you just think that you should have more acquaintances - like everyone else? Or maybe this point of view was imposed on you? But if you really want to expand your social circle, first of all determine what kind of people you want to have around you. Usually you feel most comfortable with those who share your interests and views on life.

Therefore, you should focus on what interests you, find people with similar hobbies and let new acquaintances get to know you better and love you for who you really are.

Proxemics

Man has always been and remains a social being, and it is absolutely impossible to live in this world without communication with other people around him. However, each of us has a very special and carefully guarded personal physical space. Depending on the comfort of the relationship, we can increase it with some people and decrease it with others. Spatial relationships between people are a topic that has been of interest to psychologists around the world for a very long time. A separate area of psychological science, proxemics, is even devoted to the study of these relationships. In this article we will tell you what it is, what it studies in the context of psychology, what features it has, and how knowledge about it is useful for any of us. Read more…

Change not yourself, but your behavior

Personality traits are not easy to change, but sometimes you can try to behave differently. Psychologists have found out S. Margolis, S. Lyubomirsky. Experimental manipulation of extraverted and introverted behavior and its effects on well-being / Journal of experimental psychology. Generally, more extroverted behavior can have a positive effect on a person's well-being.

Try exchanging a few words with a colleague in the office kitchen, accepting an invitation to a party, leaving a comment in a community on a social network. Monitor how you feel when you do unusual things. If you're uncomfortable, don't force yourself.

Development of communication skills

Social networks, computer games, interactive chats and a variety of instant messengers that allow people to communicate simply by clicking on the sensors of their gadgets - just a few decades ago, all this might have seemed like science fiction. Today, all our acquaintances, friends and colleagues can easily be placed in a small contact window, dialogues, business and intimate conversations take the form of chats, and emotions are expressed with colorful emoticons. And at the same time, for us, and especially for the younger generation, the problem of socialization is becoming increasingly relevant, and more specifically, the problem of developing communication skills, i.e. developing communication skills - real interaction with other people. Read more…

Be interested in people, ask questions

When we meet new people, we have to talk about ourselves, and every introvert is afraid of this. But the conversation doesn't have to be about you.

Jenn Granneman

author of the book “The Secret Life of Introverts. The Art of Survival in the Loud World of Extroverts"

Introverts have a superpower: listening. So get the other person talking by asking questions.

People love to talk about themselves and what they think. Give them this opportunity and sometimes answer their questions.

Rules for pleasant communication

You also need to be able to communicate correctly. I suggest you learn a few simple principles of communication that will help you easily win over any interlocutor:

Smile. The most banal, but at the same time very effective and useful advice. Numerous studies have proven that smiling people appear more attractive to others. They are even more drawn to those who know how to joke well, and therefore it would be useful to practice this art and develop a sense of humor.
Pose and look. They must be open. Do not cross your arms over your chest, thereby non-verbally demonstrating emotional detachment and distance. When gesturing, leave your palms open, turning them from time to time towards the interlocutor. Maintain eye contact with the person during the conversation, try to look at him in a friendly and interested way.
Calling by name. A name is the most pleasant sound for every person. By addressing yourself by name during a conversation, you automatically endear yourself to your interlocutor, evoking his trust and sympathy. This is why it is so important to remember the names of new acquaintances the first time.
Compliments. Who doesn't like to hear something good said about them? But here it is important not to overdo it. One appropriate and sincere compliment will be enough, otherwise it will look like flattery. And few people like sycophants, except perhaps notorious narcissists.

I recommend reading this article on how to become the life of any company.

Use your strengths

Other people may like your character traits, behavioral characteristics, and skills. Take advantage of this.

Study yourself, find out what you are good at. For example, you may be a great listener, compassionate and empathetic, and your friends may rely on you for support and ability to keep secrets.

Your unique qualities may appeal to another introvert who recognizes you as a congenial person, or they may complement the opposite traits of an extrovert.

First, let's figure out what personality types exist?

Paul McGee, author of the bestselling book Mastery of Communication. How to find a common language with anyone,” gives his own classification of personality types:

Type 1. "Cheerleader"

An extrovert who acts spontaneously takes on several things at once.

Type 2. "Guardian"

A sociable, conflict-free person. He will tend to give in most of the time, thereby wanting to get along with everyone.

Type 3. "Captain"

He tries to gain universal recognition. Such a person is impatient, decisive, prefers to talk rather than listen.

Type 4. “Thinker”

The same introvert who loves solitude, he likes to do statistics, analysis, planning.

Don't be afraid to try new things

If your current hobbies aren't helping you expand your social circle, look for new hobbies. You can start with something you've always been interested in: taking a dance class or a tour of your hometown, volunteering, or participating in community events.

There is no need to talk to anyone for the first time if you are uncomfortable. But if you enjoy it, you can continue going to events and maintain a relationship with someone you already met there.

We are often drawn to people with similar values and experiences, but don't be afraid to meet people who are different from you. Communication with them will help expand your horizons or even change your view of the world.

How to learn to talk to people with the help of training

To learn how to get along with people, you can undergo special training.

The online intensive “Effective Communication” is suitable for:
Entrepreneurs, executives, top managers.
For those who work with clients, middle managers, and freelancers.
To everyone who is involved in raising children.
Anyone who wants to improve their communication with others.

The author of the course is Oleg Kalinichev, an expert in nonverbal behavior, emotional intelligence and lie detection. Accredited trainer Paul Ekman International. Managing Director of Paul Ekman International in Russia (PEI Russia).

You will learn:

Communicate with closed people.
Coping with daily problems involving other people.
Influence your environment and much more.

The course lasts 1 month and contains 33 video lectures, 26 exercises, 6 tests + webinars with emotional intelligence experts.

The training consists of 4 blocks:

Emotions. Basics.
Emotional stability and emotional flexibility.
Social efficiency.
Building harmonious relationships.

How it goes:

You are watching video lectures.
Then you complete independent tasks to reinforce the material.
Participate in webinars and discuss difficult issues.
Take tests on the material you have studied.
You complete the intensive course and receive a certificate.

The cost of completing it independently is 1,040 rubles, with a curator – 2,370 rubles.

They will refund your money if you decide within 7 days that the course is not suitable for you.

Take a closer look at people you already know

You don't have to look for friends among strangers. The author of books about introverts, Sophia Dembling, suggests First, Leave the House: Strategies for Making New Friends / Psychology Today to pay attention to those around you: some of them may turn out to be interesting people with similar hobbies and views on life.

Maybe your colleague loves the same music as you and would be happy to join you at a concert. Or he reads just as much and is ready to share his collection of interesting books. Or maybe your former classmate is actually an interesting girl with whom you can talk about everything in the world? Look closely at people!

Be a little more persistent

If you want to make friends with someone, don’t be afraid to take a risk and take the first step, write, start a conversation.

Sofia Dembling

author of books about introverts

What seems intrusive to you may seem friendly to others. Our sensitivity can work for us or against us. Don't be so sensitive that you're afraid to take risks. Be sensitive enough to know whether to step aside.

And don’t be afraid of awkwardness in communication if it arises at first. It does not describe you or the other person in any way. That's just what happens at the beginning of a friendship.

Where can you find topics for an interesting conversation?

The most interesting conversation happens when you don’t even know what you’re going to talk about with the person. Because such a conversation is like a roller coaster: it goes up sharply, then flies down, and then turns sharply to the right at great speed. This is not the same as having a boring conversation according to a plan.

But how to communicate with people so that it is interesting? Where can I get topics for conversation? And how to develop the conversation in an interesting and exciting direction? How to make contact?

Look around and find something interesting. Let's say you are at a meeting with a lot of people. At such meetings there are a huge number of potential interlocutors, so: go up to a stranger or your friend and ask him for what purpose he came here. At the same time, share your thoughts to keep the conversation going.

Remember fascinating stories from life. If you want to be a very interesting conversationalist, memorize some of them. Having worked on pauses in the right places, changes in intonation, etc. When you start a conversation you will worry less.

Ask yourself: what could I ask the other person? And try to repeat it until you find something interesting. Our brain is designed in such a way that initially it gives the simplest and most obvious solutions, but over time it begins to dig deeper and deeper. Using this question will help you have a meaningful dialogue.

As a last resort, use standard questions: cinema, music, sports, etc. These topics can also be developed in an interesting direction.

How to develop a conversation and make it interesting? Listen to your interlocutor and ask about the details of the story, you can ask clarifying questions. It's all in the details - that's usually the fun part. Plus, you'll show the person that you're listening to them and not just standing in front of them and nodding. The ability to listen and hear your interlocutor will give you a lot of topics for communication with a new interlocutor.

Don't chase quantity

Psychologists believe R. Cabello, P. Fernandez-Berroca. Under which conditions can introverts achieve happiness? Mediation and moderation effects of the quality of social relationships and emotion regulation ability on happiness / PeerJ, that in fact it doesn’t matter how many friends you have. What matters is how suitable they are for you. Because the quality of relationships with people directly affects the feeling of happiness and satisfaction with life.

You may only need to have strong relationships with your family and one friend, get along with your co-workers, and maintain polite conversation when necessary. And if you feel so comfortable, good. In the end, it is better to have one but good friend than to gather a crowd of acquaintances for whom you have neither time nor energy.

Development of social skills

People are social creatures. We have developed many ways to communicate our messages, thoughts and feelings to others. What is said is influenced by both verbal language and how we use it: the tone of our voice, the words we choose, and more subtle messages in the form of nonverbal signs. Social skills are all the abilities we use to communicate and interact with others, both verbally and non-verbally, through gestures, body language and our personal appearance. The process of mastering them is called socialization. Anyone whose skills are not sufficiently developed is doomed to misunderstandings in communication or difficulties with communication. If you decide to focus on improving this area of your life, we provide useful tips on this topic in this article. Read more…

Get into the routine of friendship

Many introverts like routine, so don't be afraid to ask friends to meet once a week at a certain time. For example, to have lunch on Saturday at your favorite restaurant or take a walk in the park on Tuesday after work.

Jenn Granneman

author of the book “The Secret Life of Introverts. The art of surviving in the “loud” world of extroverts”

When we know what to expect, we feel more comfortable and spend less energy. In addition, this way you won’t have to come up with something new and interesting every time you get together.

Rules for effective online communications

More and more of our communications are moving, or have even already moved, online. This is especially true for business correspondence. And if in personal communication we can allow ourselves a lot, such as typos, informal vocabulary and stickers, then in work everything is much more complicated. How to make sure that your emails are opened only for their own sake, and deals are not broken due to too long messages in Telegram, how to learn to express your thoughts through messengers so that they are perceived as needed? Read our article about the rules of effective online communications. Read more…