You are furious: your loved one has done something wrong again and... behaves as if nothing had happened! Ah well? And a scandal is about to break out... Wait, it’s not that simple. Let's start with the fact that a man who feels guilty will do everything possible so that you never guess about it! Forcing a man to ask for forgiveness is pointless.
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Do you want to see the sincere repentance of your loved one? Stock up on tact and patience, and also learn to recognize special men’s “apologetic” techniques.
As a rule, it is not the man’s act itself, but precisely his refusal to discuss his “wrongdoing” that leads to serious conflicts. If he admitted that he was wrong, we would immediately forgive him. It is important for us to hear the sacramental “forgive me,” but the words are not spoken, and the resentment becomes even stronger and deeper. We accuse a man of callousness and indifference (“You don’t care about me”) and feel rejected. In addition, as long as there are no apologies, the end to the quarrel has not been set and it is impossible to forget it.
“Cases when a woman cannot let go of long-standing grievances are just from this series. Yes, he was guilty, he knew about it, but did not express remorse, even though you directly told him: “I need you to just ask for forgiveness,” psychologist Svetlana Ievleva explains the situation.
Why is this happening? The answer is simple and complex at the same time.
First, to men, apologies seem like a sign of weakness. By apologizing, a woman seems to get another opportunity to show her best qualities - tolerance, gentleness, generosity, and this, you see, is always pleasant. Men who experience feelings of guilt, as well as compassion or shame, categorically do not like themselves: they often perceive such emotions as a sign of weakness. Well, don’t show it to your beloved woman, after all!
Secondly, men are practically not prone to empathy. Therefore, your loved one often cannot even imagine that you are not just “sulking”, but actually suffering because of his inattention or thoughtless words.
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Read also: 5 female phrases that destroy relationships
And thirdly, men simply do not know how to ask for forgiveness. There is nothing strange about this: they rarely ask for forgiveness, so how can they learn to do it correctly?! What seems completely natural to us women is a huge problem for them. At the same time, men understand perfectly well: it is necessary to send some kind of conciliatory signal. And sometimes they do it in rather strange ways...
Representatives of the stronger sex have a whole arsenal of means to achieve forgiveness without a formal “excuse me”
The main cause of male grievances and their consequences
Often men need their offenders to not only apologize, but also to humiliate themselves enough, and sometimes even to “pay” accordingly by suffering beatings or other physical punishment. And the more the offended person is obsessed with this thought, the deeper he drives himself even further into a state of offense, forming new fantastic demands on his offender. Subsequently, for the offended man, it no longer matters what exactly his offender says to him: any apology will still not be enough to compensate for his “terrible” suffering. An intelligent and experienced woman knows well that she should not leave her man in an “offended” state for a long time, otherwise it will be very difficult to correct the consequences of his stay in it. It is much easier to admit that you are wrong right away, and only then explain to the reassured man the futility of his fantastic expectations.
A little science
Scientific research shows that the brains of women and men think differently from birth. For example, an increased amount of the hormone estrogen in women makes them more emotional, which cannot be said about men. As a result of the action of this hormone, they develop different thinking and behavior. From birth, girls are distinguished by their abilities; for example, in the first days of their lives they are able to distinguish a child’s cry from extraneous noise. In addition, they react more strongly to children's screams and moans, unlike boys. Girls develop faster and therefore, at 4 months of age, react to photographs of people they know.
The male brain differs from the female brain in its structure; it is 10% larger. Therefore, men easily and quickly cope with logical problems, design and work in measurements. This suggests that their right hemisphere is much better developed than that of women. But women are not lagging behind in their abilities; thanks to the strong connection between the hemispheres of the brain, representatives of the fair sex quickly process the information they receive from both hemispheres at once. This is both intuition and logic. All these studies tell us that a man and a woman are different people, therefore they simply cannot behave the same way and think the same way.
Option 2. Impressed
Excess of emotions does not particularly decorate anyone
Man or woman, it doesn't matter. Increased and uncontrolled emotionality very often lives on the verge of neurosis and hysteria
Maybe your loved one is an artistic person, or there have been enough dramas in life, problems in relationships and family. Or maybe he's just complex and unsure of himself. You can offend someone like that just once or twice.
The question is: is this how you imagined the man of your dreams?
What to do?
If this man in your life is important and valuable, perhaps you should just pay him more attention, show more care.
Remember, it's not your fault, it's his perception. BUT!
How can I get him to apologize himself, and is it necessary?
Taking into account the above goals, we suggest that every time you want to force your husband to apologize, use the following algorithm for understanding what happened:
- Your husband did something wrong from your point of view - is it fundamentally important for you that he act differently?
- If it is important for you that he act differently, can you clearly and logically explain to him why he is wrong?
- He agreed with your logic - do you really need phrases of apology in this case?
- You gave logical evidence, but he doesn't agree with it. For example, he is satisfied with the current result of his actions, or he sees another way to solve problems, etc. So, he is also an independent person who has the right to his own opinion. Can you get along with a person who has this opinion and is not going to change it?
- If you can and want to remain his wife further, leave your spouse alone and recognize his right to act in his own way. If you can’t, your husband’s reasoning and actions are fundamentally unacceptable to you - so maybe you’re not a couple?..
Reasons why men find it so difficult to apologize
As practical psychology shows, there may be several such reasons. Different men will not accept verbal apologies for different reasons.
One of the very first and most important reasons that forces men not to openly admit their guilt, or rather, not to apologize for it, lies in the differences in the structure and functioning of the brain.
Men are guided by the work of the left hemisphere of the brain, they are constructive, logical, capable of structuring and analyzing, highlighting the main thing from the husk. At the same time, men are rarely intuitive; they are not sensitive and emotional. This state of affairs leads to the fact that the male sex simply does not fully understand women’s indignation and the attention given to empty routine words of apology. A man believes that words are a waste of time , an empty boast that does not reflect the true state of affairs.
And simply finding the right words of consolation and requests for forgiveness, showing sincere repentance for a man is, although feasible, a rather difficult task, which they try to avoid whenever possible. For this reason, it is always much easier for a man to atone for his guilt by deeds and actions symbolizing repentance than to talk for half an hour about his emotions and feelings, exposing his soul to others, even close and offended people.
If a man is wrong, he will hide and wait out the storm, hoping that after a short period of time his beloved will cool down and forget everything. And if not, then without words you can bring a bouquet of your favorite flowers or arrange a concert that interests your significant other, clean up the house, learn homework with your child, in a word, do anything, just not to say anything!
The second reason for the absence of the slightest desire to verbally convey one’s regrets about being wrong is the peculiarities of one’s upbringing. From early childhood, children are taught that a man must be strong. In their understanding, a strong man, in order to protect his family, must enjoy its respect and be a wise and prudent leader, a leader for his family. But if a man admits his mistake, he may lose the respect of his family. And even if this is far-fetched and does not correspond to reality, such a thought that has crept into a man’s consciousness will simply not allow words about forgiveness, so desired by a woman’s ear, to escape from his lips.
According to male logic, a true leader does not make mistakes - after all, this can reduce trust in him and shake his authority. Therefore, it is categorically impossible to admit your guilt; you can either blame someone else or tactfully remain silent, and make up for the offense with a pleasant trifle or surprise.
If you dig into distant times, slipping behind the curtain of history, you will notice that in order not to reveal their guilt, so as not to say such a simple word “Sorry,” men were ready to do anything. They suffered expulsions, repressions, exiles, fought duels, went to war unforgiven, died, but never apologized. Pride and loss of masculinity in their own eyes and in the eyes of those around them did not allow them to find the courage to admit they were wrong.
And finally, it’s all about the lack of emotionality of men . It’s just that the thought doesn’t even enter their cold and rational head about how important it is for their beloved woman to at least once hear sincere and heartfelt words of apology, an admission of her own wrong. After all, girls love with their ears, words are music to their soul. Therefore, the words of apology are doubly pleasant. Men themselves do not like unnecessary words and sincerely believe that others do not need them either.
List of things to be offended about
There are reasons that serve as valid reasons for resentment. There are not many of them, so it’s not difficult to remember all the points:
- The guy didn't keep his word. A stranger who owes nothing, but not a loved one, can promise but not fulfill.
- Physical impact. The use of fists serves not only as a reason for resentment, but also as a motive for separation.
- Insults, humiliation. Hurtful words sometimes hurt more than physical impact, so it is unacceptable to allow such behavior towards yourself from a loved one.
- Manipulation. Holding grudges often serves as an interesting way of responding to attempts to exploit and emotionally suppress. However, there is one piece of advice: if a girl is dealing with a real abuser, then she should think not about resentment, but about breaking up.
Why does a man insult
Photo by Diana Jefimova: Pexels
Sometimes insults and humiliation become part of habitual communication, and a man begins to constantly disrespect his girlfriend. This behavior has characteristic features:
- the man denies what happened or reduces its significance, convincing that the woman “invented everything” herself, “always cheats”, takes everything “too close to her heart”;
- a man can say unpleasant words as a joke, as a diminutive, and not as a direct insult, for example, “you are such a fool to me”;
- often in his speech there are words “always”, “eternally”, “constantly”;
- when he says them, you feel resentment, pain, your self-esteem decreases and your mood deteriorates;
- even if you do everything “perfectly,” a man will find something to complain about;
- his opinion is considered categorical and the only correct one.
These are signs that you are not just “fighting a lot,” but there is psychological abuse in the relationship. This is exactly what we can call insults or humiliation to which one of the partners is subjected.
In a relationship where there is love and respect, such behavior is unacceptable. Everyone has a responsibility to protect their self-esteem, and one person has no right to insult another.
In such a situation, it is important to realize that the reason for the insults has nothing to do with you. From a psychological point of view, you are not participating in this situation at all, because a man will do the same with any other woman.
There may be various reasons for this:
- parental example - a man copies the model of behavior of his parents, considering it completely normal or the only true one, because he was raised on their attitudes and moral standards;
What to do if a man offends you?
- the desire to assert oneself - if a man cannot obtain the desired social status or recognition, he increases his importance at the expense of other people, those who are weaker or dependent on him. He takes pleasure in humiliating others;
- complexes and self-doubt - by causing offense or insult, a man feels more confident, as if showing that he is stronger and better than the other person. Thus, he tries to cope with his complexes;
- sexism is another stereotype that was “picked up” in the social environment in which a man grew up. He a priori puts himself above a woman and considers it normal to insult, lecture, humiliate, and control her.
Whatever the reason, it cannot justify such behavior, since he is already an adult who consciously chooses what to do and what not.
