One of the Orthodox commandments says: “Love your neighbor as yourself.” Everyone understands what is meant by self-love in their own way. However, there are boundaries within which self-love is an excellent motivator for self-improvement, and when going beyond conventional boundaries, a person risks becoming a narcissistic egoist.
Heightened self-esteem
What is self-esteem?
Self-esteem is complete acceptance of oneself, the search for what will be optimal at the current stage of life, the choice of a favorite activity, the ability to abstract from what brings disappointment and unpleasant emotions. The concept is inextricably linked with self-love. Without it, it is impossible to understand the essence of respect, including for other people.
Self-respect is not the same as pride. The latter is the reason for illogical actions. Those who are influenced by pride strive to be respected and admired, but they treat others condescendingly at best. For them, their own aspirations come first. It would seem that this is normal, but only when the desires and aspirations of others are not ignored.
Respect involves choosing what is best for the person right now. This is a choice in favor of a healthy lifestyle, a dream job, a hobby you like; refusal of toxic relationships and communication with those who are completely uninteresting
Such people try to devote as little time as possible to uninteresting things, paying attention to what is closest to them. Those with inner pride (not to be confused with arrogance) will not waste energy on scandals or showdowns
Confident people don’t have to stoop to trying to rise up at the expense of the worst qualities in others, they simply don’t need it.
What does self-esteem affect?
This quality, at a minimum, allows you to save a huge amount of time, usually spent on useless quarrels. The futility of trying to prove your importance to someone, living someone else's life for others, becomes obvious.
This human trait also affects relationships with the environment. Anyone who is aware of his own strengths is ready to move towards his goal without hurting the interests of others, and is able to establish strong friendships or romantic relationships. Those who respect themselves realize that the interests of others are important and will never ignore or ridicule them. Therefore, such individuals are revered, people strive to communicate with them and maintain connections.
Hurt pride
A proud person is a person who is very easily deeply wounded even by an inoffensive word. Hurt pride can become a weapon in the hands of a competent manipulator. Some managers deliberately hurt the pride of their subordinates, which means for them an unacceptable failure, from which they can only recover by surpassing themselves. Thus, in some teams the level of labor productivity is increased.
Important! In such conversations, department heads do not insult or reprimand vain employees for their poor performance; this is achieved with the help of subtle psychological comparisons and hints that indirectly elevate competitors over the subjects. The easiest way is to hurt the self-esteem of a narcissistic newcomer; this condition is aggravated due to the already increased level of stress associated with the new environment and a strange team
Psychologists do not recommend arranging strength tests for newly arrived employees until their professional probationary period has expired, since such an attitude can leave the organization without valuable personnel
The easiest way is to hurt the self-esteem of a narcissistic newcomer; this condition is aggravated due to the already increased level of tension associated with the new environment and a strange team. Psychologists do not recommend arranging strength tests for newly arrived employees until their professional probationary period has expired, since such an attitude can leave the organization without valuable personnel.
Is there any benefit to self-love?
Everything is good in moderation. The same goes for your attitude towards yourself. A person must love himself, otherwise he will not have an incentive to develop, increase his level of education, provide himself with quality food, timely medical examinations, and develop his body. Only with self-esteem can you defend your interests in disputes, occupy a leading position in a team, and have an opinion that is significant for others. This is precisely the meaning that should be inherent in self-love: the desire to become an authority for others, to take a responsible approach to any work, to put effort into self-discipline.
Attention! Healthy pride borders on boorish narcissism, which destroys everything good that is in character, erases the lines of good and evil in relationships between people, and turns a person into a forced loner. Inappropriate overestimation of one’s abilities causes a distorted perception of one’s position in society
Individuals who “crown” themselves become a laughing stock for others, without realizing it. They can be recognized by their arrogant look and specific gait. They not only want to have the best, but also undeservedly consider themselves successful in everything, even when they have absolutely no knowledge of the subject area
Inadequate overestimation of one’s abilities becomes the cause of a distorted perception of one’s position in society. Individuals who “crown” themselves become a laughing stock for others, without realizing it. They can be recognized by their arrogant look and specific gait. They not only want to have the best, but also undeservedly consider themselves to be successful in everything, even when they have absolutely no knowledge of the subject area.
Braggart
Pedagogical terminological dictionary
pride
is a moral feeling that expresses a person’s respect for himself as an individual. S. has a lot in common with pride. But S. is more personal in nature, because expresses a person’s subjective assessment of his own abilities and capabilities. S. can act as a positive motive for behavior when it helps a person overcome difficulties in order to achieve moral results and encourages a person to protect his dignity. In this case, S. becomes a stable moral quality of the individual. S. is a negative quality when it turns into narcissism, unreasonable pride. Inadequate perception of one’s own “I” interferes with a person’s creative activity and establishing contacts with other people. In order to prevent the formation of negative traits in children, from an early age it is necessary to teach the child to give a critical moral assessment of his actions.
(Bim-Bad B.M. Pedagogical encyclopedic dictionary. - M., 2002. P. 252)
Women's pride
What, in turn, is the difference between a woman’s self-esteem and a man’s? First of all, psychologists note the fact that it is often unreasonably high, so it can be very easy to offend it, and this can be done quite suddenly by uttering just one “wrong” word. At the same time, a woman, being wounded, can turn into a real “monster”. They harbor resentment and revenge for a long time, are capable of being sarcastic, lying, showing off, and stooping to banal insults.
At the same time, it is very easy to hurt the pride of any woman with adultery. Not all of them are able to turn a blind eye to such things, no matter how men try to justify their search for sex “on the side” and make their infidelities seem less significant than the infidelity of the woman herself.
If there was cheating on the part of the husband. And the wife finds out about this, she is faced with a very difficult question: come to terms with this, learn to live and forgive, try to maintain the old relationship with the person who has always been near and dear? Or should you listen to your pride and nip everything in the bud? Psychologists recommend that women try to take a neutral position, relax, and not get excited, so that in the future they can make the right decision from their point of view, and not act out of the blue.
How to avoid this mistake
Never voice your complaints in front of strangers, do not make comments, do not reprimand. Such behavior looks unworthy, since it insults not only the beloved man, but also all strangers. Nobody likes to be present at personal “showdowns”. A reasonable decision would be to praise your man or even attribute to him achievements that do not yet exist. For example, say (if asked about it) that the salary is still small, but the guy is doing everything to increase it. The man simply did not have time for broken plumbing; he will fix the faucet this coming weekend. Be sure that your beloved will try to justify the trust placed in him and will immediately begin to correct the situation.
What does it mean to “stroking one’s ego” in psychology?
Psychologists’ understanding of this expression as a whole is also somewhat different from that accepted in everyday life, as is the meaning of the word “self-love.” In psychology, this phrase characterizes the need to feel special and significant that a person experiences. And the actions he takes to achieve this.
In other words, to stroke one’s pride is both to ask for a compliment or praise, to show off in front of someone, or to perform actions that provoke attention from other people. In other words, experts give this concept a meaning characteristic of determining a person’s behavioral tendency. This tendency or type of behavior, in turn, consists of a number of emotional prerequisites and character traits.
Thus, to please oneself is to please oneself, flatter oneself and provoke others to similar actions. This understanding of this expression is not as negative as it seems at first glance. A person’s actions aimed at satisfying his own ego directly depend on the degree of “inflation” of this quality or, conversely, excessive underestimation of oneself.
Stretch your ego - what does it mean? Get approval for your qualities, appearance, character traits or actions from other people. Or a person may well please his own ego on his own, giving his own qualities and strengths more importance than they are. Simply put, overestimating your capabilities or any character traits.
Hurt pride
Each of the individuals is a person, represents something, has unique character traits and worldview. This is an absolute and indisputable fact. And yet human psychology includes some points that unite all people. Such features include pride, which is one of the characteristics of human character.
Is self-love good or bad? Psychologists give the following meaning to self-esteem: an individual’s defense of his social value, as well as relevance. In other words, self-love defines a character trait due to which an individual becomes smarter, more attractive, grows above himself, and maintains value in society.
Is self-love a good incentive to improve your life? Everyone will answer this question for themselves. Some are inclined to believe that self-love is good, others that it is an illusion of one’s own superiority, leading to hyperbolization of one’s own “I”. One thing is clear that each individual has his own personal motivation and without respect, as well as self-love, intellectual, spiritual and physical growth is impossible. And negative statements, judgments, and indications of shortcomings negatively affect the personality, hurting self-esteem.
Each individual reacts to criticism differently: some feel guilty, some become aggressive, some have decreased self-esteem, some get very irritated, but in any case, criticism does not fall on deaf ears and deals a blow to self-esteem .
Not everyone can accept criticism with dignity due to their individual characteristics and character traits, but it is important to be able to correctly perceive constructive comments. If it so happens that a person has been subjected to an unreasonable offense, then psychologists advise accepting it as a fait accompli, drawing conclusions and moving on with life.
Humans are very sensitive to social approval. When he is praised, he grows in his own eyes; when he is criticized, it is the other way around. A proud individual builds a certain scale of values in his head and tries to achieve it with all his might. This is good when a person strives for goals that are useful for himself and society, and it is destructive behavior when an individual deliberately takes the path of degradation. It must be remembered that pride itself acts as a catalyst for actions and desires, but not the main reason.
It is sometimes very easy to offend a proud person. All you have to do is say one word
In this case, there is heightened self-esteem, when a person exclusively concentrates attention on satisfying his needs and desires; by and large, he is indifferent to those around him. Such excessive self-importance leads to egocentrism
The desire to be first is considered normal, healthy pride. A physically and mentally healthy person is always endowed with this quality. In this case, it is motivation for professional and personal success.
Vulnerable pride is observed in women, so you should not intentionally offend them, since you can forever lose your good relationship with them. Women react sharply to comments about their appearance, way of thinking, and behavior. In adulthood, people are especially sensitive to words of flattery and compliments, so it is sometimes better to remain silent than to tell a lie.
It is important for the fair sex to feel calm and comfortable, so it is better to refrain from directly expressing shortcomings. If such a need exists, then it is better to express it in private.
In this case, your hurt pride will not suffer much, and you will maintain normal relationships.
Advantages and disadvantages
But self-esteem is good, many psychologists will say. And others will answer on the contrary, they say, to exalt oneself extremely is akin to moral degradation. And, by the way, they will also be right. After all, a proud person, as a rule, tries not only to inform others about his constant growth above himself, but also in every possible way to maintain the illusion of his own superiority. Of course, this is true in the case when a person is too focused on himself, but, as practice shows, even the most modest people are prone to exaggeration of their own “I”.
Male pride
In principle, a blow to pride is a painful event for any person, although some people know how to cope with it, so everyone has their own reaction to negative external psychological factors. In particular, male pride, unlike female one, is more pronounced, so the reaction of the stronger sex is much more acute. Because of this, they often become somewhat inadequate, uncontrollable and even aggressive. In order to avoid such situations in family life, you should learn to smooth out the “sharp corners” that arise, quickly resolve conflict situations and, if necessary, make concessions. It is very useful to find out what most often leads to irritation in men, and what actions on the part of a woman they simply cannot forgive.
Most representatives of the fair sex rely too much on their impunity, perceiving it as the right to say anything to men, without fear of incurring responsibility, and to achieve their goals in any available way. It is believed that a loving husband is able to forgive his soul mate everything. In principle, this is so, especially if such “antics” do not exceed certain limits. But at some point, a situation suddenly arises when a man becomes tough, is no longer under control and is able to greatly surprise his wife. That is why any woman should feel a certain line that should not be crossed in a relationship with a man under any circumstances.
Of course, first of all it is worth noting female infidelity. Let us emphasize that betrayal by a spouse, as a rule, for a man is completely different from his own betrayal. For example, if the spouse himself cheated, then he can quite rightly note for himself that his betrayal was only a need for intimacy, so his wife still remains his only and dear one. At the same time, it is often believed that betrayal on the part of a woman is more associated with feelings, based on sympathy, the need for affection and love. That is, the wife’s betrayal is a direct hint to the man that she no longer treats him as her only one, so the relationship is completely different.
So betrayal greatly hurts a man’s pride. There are cases when a man is able to forgive betrayal, but in the future he is still unlikely to forget the very fact of what happened, so the relationship will never be the same again.
Also, many men cannot stand situations where a woman takes the leading position in their relationship. Any man, no matter what he is, always wants to feel supported, necessary, irreplaceable. If a woman takes on the role of mistress of the situation every time a difficult situation arises, this greatly affects his pride. The same goes for comparing a man to someone else who is better than him.
Manipulation in intimate relationships is another easy way to hurt a man’s pride. All sorts of excuses in bed like a sore head and a bad mood, especially if they are too frequent, are just a reason to push him to cheat. Demanding that you fulfill your whims and buy gifts for sex is an even worse idea.
You can easily make a man angry if you put him in a negative light in front of friends or even close relatives. Representatives of the stronger sex want to be wealthy and reliable, almost ideal and irreplaceable for their companions, so ridicule or overly aggressive criticism from the woman they love is an excessively painful blow for them.
There are also a number of female actions and habits that easily irritate men.
These also include endless chatter on the phone, gossip, aimless running around the shops... Men can easily turn a blind eye to many of these things and not focus on them. However, you shouldn't overuse it.
Striving to be first
But if we talk about normal, healthy self-esteem, then this, of course, is good. A mentally and physically healthy person is always distinguished by pride, and a fair amount at that. This is not a vice or a reason for condemnation - such is the nature of people. After all, self-love is nothing more than motivation for personal and professional success. Young people are always proud, even those who are considered examples of modesty. This entails high ambition and the desire to achieve success in any field. So you should always respect and love yourself - it’s better to go too far than to underestimate yourself and your strengths.
What is self-love?
Self-love is a feeling inherent in any person; full acceptance of one's own strengths and weaknesses. It is mistakenly equated with selfishness. In fact, it is precisely this that helps to achieve success, to isolate oneself from unnecessary things, to avoid dangerous situations, and not to suffer due to progressive complexes.
There are many myths around self-esteem that are not sought to be debunked. Such an attitude of an individual toward himself is often condemned and considered almost indecent. In society, people are more loyal to those with complexes than to those who are self-confident. The reasons are envy or the belief that confident individuals are fixated on their own desires, ignoring others, and are unable to experience strong feelings for others. The latter is typical for people, but the roots of such behavior do not lie in their attitude towards themselves.
Love is a fundamental feeling in our life. It is absolutely normal to experience her towards yourself, moreover, it is necessary. But it is worth distinguishing this feeling from painful narcissism, elevation above others, and narcissism. The listed traits have a destructive effect not only on the individual, but also on her loved ones.
Wounded pride.
Both notorious teenagers and respectable adult men and women suffer from it. The syndrome is common to those who have ego problems
It is easy to offend such people by carelessly making a sharp joke, criticizing their activities/appearance/choice of hobbies, even looking “wrong”. Wounded pride is a strong reaction to external stimuli that manifests itself almost instantly
This could be anger, resentment, a desire for revenge, or all of the above. It seems to a person that they want to humiliate him, insult him; he is going to assert his own dignity. The readiness to get into a fight after a harmless joke reveals a complex personality who tries to be inviolable, creates a “protective field” around himself and is afraid to leave his narrow comfort zone.
The inability to ignore potential irritants causes many problems: intrusive thoughts, attempts to see everything as a threat, difficulties in communication. When even friends avoid meetings so as not to see the sour face of a constantly offended, dissatisfied friend, this is a significant reason to think. Problems with socialization are not the worst thing. Much worse is an inadequate assessment of one’s own behavior and suppression of complexes, which inevitably leads to mental disorders.
How to fight?
Stop getting angry in response to jokes; do not pay attention to phrases said specifically in order to catch your pride. A person does not become ugly or untalented because someone voiced an insult out loud - his personality does not change in any way. Words, in fact, are not offensive: offense is just a reaction to something.
You should take it easier on what others say. Someone's words do not affect the internal state. But anger, self-indulgence, resentment out of nowhere - they influence, and noticeably. Those who deliberately say offensive things are trying to throw out accumulated negativity, and almost any reaction of the defendant brings him a fair dose of negative emotions. Ignoring or a neutral attitude is a proven defense that preserves nerves and composure.
Sick or wounded pride
Sick pride - what is it, is it possible to learn to cope with it? Psychologists agree that this is possible only after recognizing the presence of a problem. Wounded self-esteem does not allow its owner to adequately perceive criticism even from close relatives. Any attempt to make even the most diplomatic remark to a proud person turns into an explosion of anger on his part, insults and ends in an interruption of the dialogue.
Important! There is such a thing as “excellent student syndrome,” which begins during school years in children whose parents place high demands on their academic performance. Getting accustomed from an early age to the fact that living correctly means doing everything only “excellently,” students become unprepared for the defeats and failures that inevitably await them in adulthood.
Excellent student syndrome
When talking about what self-esteem is, first of all, we mean defining the self-esteem of a person with an unhealthy perception of disapproval from the environment. Especially such people keenly perceive comments or advice from a person significant in society, just as they react most vividly to praise from such a person. Praise from a well-deserved authority in a team is a source of nourishment for a proud person.
Philosophical Dictionary (Comte-Sponville)
self-love
self-love
♦ Amour-Propre
Self-love from another person's point of view; the desire to be loved, to be approved or admired; horror at the thought that another person might hate or despise you. La Rochefoucauld sees in self-love the main of our passions and the spring of all others. A more lenient and fairer Rousseau insists on the difference between self-love and self-love: “Self-love is a natural feeling, prompting every animal to take care of self-preservation, but in man this feeling is guided by reason and tempered by compassion, giving rise to humanity and virtue. Self-love is a derivative, artificial feeling that arises only in society, forcing each individual to attach more importance to himself than to everything else, prompting people to cause all kinds of evil to each other and being the true source of the concept of honor” (“Discourse on the origin and foundations of inequality between people”, note XV). The transition from one to the other is quite easy to explain. Of course, we live for ourselves, but only surrounded by other people and thanks to them. Therefore, it is not surprising that we like it when other people treat us with love. Self-love is the desire for this love, directed at oneself, but realized through other people. It is love for others for oneself and love for oneself expressed by others. To claim that self-love is unhappy love, as Alain does, means falling into a double mistake. In fact, self-pricks are nothing more than minor troubles against the backdrop of life's drama. Sometimes real grief can heal from them. Sometimes, perhaps, it is great happiness.
Hurt pride
Man is a unique and inimitable being. Even within their own society, each individual is a unique personality. We all have our own personal traits of appearance and character, a unique combination of qualities, advantages, and disadvantages. But at the same time, each person has something in common. In particular, we all have a sense of pride to one degree or another.
It is impossible to say unequivocally whether the very presence of pride is something good or bad. Psychologists consider this phenomenon as a special property of the human psyche, which allows an individual to preserve his individuality, things and qualities that are relevant to him. In other words, this is one of those properties that underlie an individual’s desire for development, self-improvement, and increasing his value in society.
But is the feeling of self-esteem really such a good incentive to work on yourself? In this matter, everything is not so simple, because the severity of pride and its manifestation in each individual is very unique. Some are inclined to believe that pride is a good reason for maintaining self-esteem in its adequate state, while others believe that it is nothing more than a negative quality that leads to an exaggeration of the importance of one’s own “I”. In any case, it is worth noting that both assumptions have a place to be, since pride is indeed capable of manifesting itself in various variations. Adequate self-esteem, as well as a positive assessment of others from the outside, contribute to more persistent self-improvement, but negative criticism, failures and condemnation can cause hurt pride.
In reality, not all of us can calmly tolerate negative comments about ourselves from the outside. All this depends on the character of the person, his beliefs and other unique factors of his psyche. Nevertheless, the ability to adequately perceive constructive comments, even if in a negative way, is a very important quality. We all react differently to comments in general: someone gets very irritated and starts a quarrel, denying them in every possible way, someone silently swallows the insult, someone’s self-esteem suffers greatly.
If you have become a victim of completely unfounded criticism or simply insult directed at you, then it is best to take the simple advice of psychologists: ignore, accept what the offender said as something that has already happened, move on with your life, without attaching much importance to such things, because they do not change you in any way and your personality. It is worth noting that in general, man is a social being and, therefore, is very dependent on social opinion. The slightest praise can elevate us in our own eyes, but criticism or insult can forever discourage further attempts to achieve something. In this case, pride should be considered as a kind of “catalyst” for decisions made and actions taken, but not as a motivation for their formation.
It is very easy to offend a person with inadequate, inflated pride. This is, in fact, their distinguishing feature. Sometimes one word is enough, even if it does not carry any intentional connotation or negative connotation, a narcissistic person is able to find them. At the same time, it is worth distinguishing between pride, which can lead to the development of egocentrism, and the desire to be first. The latter is a completely normal quality that is inherent in every person and should normally develop. Of course, if it does not go beyond the limits of adequacy.
Self-love under the guise of love
7 messages
Self-love under the guise of love
Self-love is a kind of mental binoculars through which we jealously examine what those around us think about us. And the more powerful the zoom of this “binoculars”, the more painful pride becomes, developing into narcissism, while exalting the sense of self-importance to the skies. And the higher you rise, the more painful it is to fall, as you know. And if the opinion of others about us is not the most flattering, looking at this speck through the binoculars of pride, we see a log of utter horror. Therefore, no matter what heights you reach in this life, on a mental level it is wiser to walk on flat, warm ground, and not to flutter in the clouds of illusions about your own greatness, swinging the pendulum of the duality of humiliation and pride.
I once wrote an article for the site about the nature of the “ego,” where (in order not to refer further to that article, I repeat) it was said that the ego is our “false” self-identification. The ego consists of meaningful thoughts with which we identify. All these thoughts have an ambivalent charge and are either pleasant or unpleasant. Each thought has its own pair. The thought of something “good” has a pair - the same thought of something “bad”. When we identify ourselves with something pleasant, we automatically attach ourselves to the opposite of that phenomenon. When we buy into the high assessment of our qualities in the eyes of other people, we strengthen the charge of another pair of mental opposites, and thus strengthen the morbidity of our own pride.
And all this comes from a banal ignorance of oneself. When someone tells us about the high “quality” of some of our abilities, we rejoice as if we had never before suspected how “good” we are! And the more important this person’s opinion is to us, the more strongly it affects our self-esteem. What if a person significant to us criticizes? The vibration of the vocal cords, the word flying out of his larynx, pierces us like a needle, causing “real” pain. Where does this sensitivity to sounds come from? Why, for example, do we most often perceive the barking of a dog or the cackling of a chicken as neutral? Why are we not offended by the croaking of a frog? Because there is no corresponding interpretation of these sounds as something important and significant. We ourselves interpret with our mind the vibration of the air, expressed in sound, as something concrete and important. And we attach importance to what we identify with. And when an authoritative person expresses his authoritative opinion about our qualities, he touches our hearts. And “alive” in this case is another pair of mental opposites, which we carefully hid in our subconscious in order to protect ourselves from its influence. In our subconscious there is a chaos of repressed experiences.
We do not know ourselves and therefore attach great importance to any information about ourselves from external sources. Especially when these sources are authoritative. So it turns out that when a loved one suddenly stops loving us, he seems to tell us almost in plain text that we “smell” bad to him. He doesn't like our reflection in the mirror of his consciousness. This is just his assessment, his mind. But we fall for it and begin to believe that the dislike of a loved one really proves that we are such a mental bucket of slop. And this person begins to irritate us, because... he was not afraid to look behind the mask of our pride and hint to us at the presence of base characteristics of our insides. His assessment became the key to one of the doors of our subconscious, behind which lurked repressed pain. It is often difficult for us to accept the assessment of our qualities as a given. We begin to think that this unloving loved one (or friend) is simply a “bastard and a traitor” who deliberately causes us suffering, raising from the depths of our soul to the surface all the abomination that was previously hidden there. If you are not a saint or an incarnation of Buddha, then you are just an “ordinary” person. When we are evaluated and criticized, we begin to feel our painful pride, our “shortcomings”, which are so difficult for us to come to terms with. Sometimes “dislike” affects the deep stress within us and begins to bring to the surface a mental “flaw,” weakness, or “sin” for which we hate ourselves and cannot forgive ourselves. And this can cause terrible pain.
It is important to be able to accept yourself, not to be afraid to look straight into the “eyes” of your gut. At the same time, you seem to say: “yes, this is me, and I see myself, I accept myself.” Accepting yourself means realizing and understanding yourself. If mistakes were made in the past, they remain in the past. And we live here and now. The “mistakes” of the past are our lessons that have made us wiser. There is no point in tormenting yourself. It makes sense to learn lessons and move on with life! When we come to terms with our “shortcomings”, when we don’t hide under the guise of prosperity, then we don’t care what’s “buggy” about the person who doesn’t love us. As they say: “I’m not a piece of gold to please everyone.” We already know about our shortcomings. There is nothing here to upset us and nothing to surprise us. The other person either accepts us for who we are or does not accept us. We are not to blame for this, he is not to blame for this. This is simply an individual perception, individual projections that are automatically projected onto the most suitable images. "Every man to his own taste". What a person says about us often characterizes that person much better than us. People project their qualities onto the outside world.
Psychological masks are heavy. Wearing them is energy-consuming and not always profitable. The tighter we hold on to our mask, the more painful it becomes for us when the filth that we hid under this mask breaks out. Even innocent weakness, being suppressed, sometimes breaks out from under the mask as neurotic harshness. Being yourself is simpler and easier. This saves energy. The “ability” to be yourself gives you looseness, relaxation, courage and openness. A feigned image to amuse one’s vanity will sooner or later be exposed. It's good when it's not too late. Carl Gustav Jung identified the repressed self in the subconscious as the “shadow” archetype. We hide our shadow, our “dark companion” from ourselves when we cannot come to terms with it, and we get angry when our shadow begins to crawl to the surface due to psychologically uncomfortable conditions. Being yourself means being aware of your “shadow” and finding a compromise with it. To get rid of debris, it must be seen and brought to the surface.
Self-acceptance is the greatest bliss. Without knowing ourselves, we often become attached to other people only because these people give us information about ourselves through relationships that stroke our ego. Thus, we accept ourselves in “others”, while at the same time falling into dependence on others. In relationships, we get to know ourselves better from the good side. But when relationships bring out our “dark” qualities, we suddenly start to think that “people are stupid” and we feel more comfortable being alone. Unfortunately, a similar mechanism for feeding mutual illusions characterizes most of all human relationships. Friendship and “love” are often based on this, behind the mask of which hides the painful pride of a person who has not yet recognized and accepted himself. Sometimes great love is a great illusion, simply a projection, a deep acceptance of ourselves that we attribute to an external source - the person we “love”. When love becomes unrequited, the projection of bliss is suddenly replaced by its opposite. Therefore, often great “love” is also great dependence. Ordinary worldly love is “dual.” We love those around whom all the best that is in us resonates. And when “access” to this is closed, we feel pain. We love ourselves and deny ourselves. Life is a game of hide and seek with yourself.
What is self-love?
In the phrase “to stroke one’s vanity” there are two words that are equally important for understanding its meaning, figuratively speaking – equal. However, although both components are important in this sentence, it is still “conceit” that sets the tone, because it is it that is “amused”, and not vice versa.
What is self-love? It seems that the meaning of this expression is completely clear from its sound, the meaning of the constituent parts of the word. Loving yourself is the simplest and most basic, even key, meaning of this expression.
Other shades of meaning in which the word “self-love” is often used are:
- pride;
- disposition;
- self-esteem.
However, these meanings are not synonymous with self-love in the full sense. As a rule, when it comes to pride, it is about wounded or excessive pride. When talking about self-esteem, we mean the need for approval of actions or views, support.
When “self-love” is used in speech in the sense of “character,” then, as a rule, we are talking about indulging whims, some kind of one’s own whims, including immoral ones.
Definition
An exact description of what self-love is cannot be found in psychological dictionaries. This term is not used by professional psychologists because it is evaluative in nature.
From a scientific point of view, self-esteem is considered within the framework of the concept of personal self-esteem. It is based on assessment from others, understanding of the results of one’s own work and achievements, real and ideal ideas about oneself.
In everyday psychology, the concept of self-love is often given a negative connotation. It is defined as self-respect combined with the need for attention, approval from others, and excessive sensitivity to criticism.
Wounded pride
The bad thing about wounded pride is that the individual perceives critical remarks addressed to him painfully, and begins to treat people with suspicion. It is very difficult for a proud individual to learn to control himself and competently perceive criticism addressed to him. No matter how mildly criticism is presented, it is always difficult for people to perceive, and often individuals take it too close to their hearts, especially if the critic is inexperienced or the criticism is not constructive. Not many people master the art of constructive criticism, so they perceive it doubly very difficult and painful.
How to properly respond to criticism if it so happens that the individual has become its object? If a person has been criticized, then, first of all, he should convince himself that he really has something to criticize him for, otherwise he will behave aggressively. At the same time, if a person recognizes the right of other individuals to criticize him, then he can also count on the recognition of certain rights for him. For example, the right to be taken into account, not to humiliate his dignity, not to extend criticism to the individual. An individual also has the right to demand that criticism be made only in a private conversation and not in the presence of strangers and colleagues.
We offer some tips on how a person should behave in such a situation:
- if the essence of the criticism is not clear, then it is necessary to ask the person who is criticizing to clarify what he specifically means;
- it is important for a person to learn to separate the content of criticism from the form; if a person is not satisfied with the form, then one can answer this way: “the criticism is fair - I admit this, but I would like it not to become personal”;
- if a person does not agree with criticism, then he should say so, mentioning expressions that will emphasize that this point of view is his. For example, “personally, I think differently” or “everything was wrong”;
- always maintain eye contact and speak in a calm, cheerful voice, without raising your tone.
What does self-love mean? Wounded, sick pride is not just an awareness of personal negative aspects of one’s character, it is also a defensive reaction of the EGO to internal problems, as well as feedback on the world around us. As a result, with wounded pride, there is resentment towards those people who inflicted it. Offended pride is not a character trait, but acts, as already mentioned, as a defensive reaction of a person who has been offended. Often such an individual becomes impervious to criticism, becomes inadequate and incapable of self-analysis. This happens because the individual’s EGO builds a strong shell around its painful core, which is felt like a dull aching pain in the soul. Provoking factors in this case are lack of love, dissatisfaction with life, dissatisfaction with the reactions of others and with oneself. Constant mental pain does not allow a person to live fully. Pointing out a shortcoming or expressing criticism to a person with heightened pride only provokes aggressiveness in him, and the consequence of such painful pride is inappropriate behavior.
How to get rid of self-esteem
Before you think about how to get rid of pride, it’s worth thinking about who a proud person really is. Anyone who strives to make themselves better, more successful, smarter, more attractive without harming others does not need self-esteem correction. Healthy self-love is not a sin.
You can stop being offended by criticism or remarks by becoming complete for yourself. By truly loving yourself for who a person really is, you can become emotionally self-sufficient, which will allow you to not take other people’s opinions too seriously. You need to be able to be happy here and now, because every person has a lot, but often does not value his achievements and benefits, as if everything he has does not matter. You can't offend a happy person. Anyone can become happy, taking their time and appreciating the true value of the peaks they have conquered.
How self-esteem is formed
Self-esteem is formed in childhood under the influence of people significant to the child - mother, father or those who replace them. The cause of excessive narcissism is often:
- raising a child to the rank of idol of the whole family;
- biased assessment of each child’s action as unique, exclusively positive, while ignoring the child’s mistakes and incorrect actions;
- Constantly comparing your child with other children is not in favor of the latter.
Low self-esteem is formed when, from early childhood, parents:
- ignore requests, do not satisfy the baby’s need for care and attention;
- devalue or do not notice the child’s achievements;
- compare him with other children in their favor.
Correcting self-esteem is possible, but it requires a lot of effort on the part of a person with excessive pride or low self-esteem.
