When the kiss of death is like: causes and signs of philemaphobia

A kiss is an incredible sacrament between two people in love, which fills a person with a lot of positive emotions, experiences and feelings. The kiss inspires, makes the heart beat faster, it’s as if an electric shock passes through the whole body, the knees tremble, and the head is dizzy. It seems to lovers that there is no one around them, there is only him, she and their kiss. But before their first kiss, teenagers very often torment themselves with questions, “What should I do? What is the right way?”, and, sometimes, the rather inappropriate experience “I’m afraid!”

Each of us has encountered such a problem at least once in our lives. There is nothing scary or unnatural about this. Such doubts only indicate that a person has a psychological and emotional barrier that is difficult to cross. Excitement before something new and unknown is a completely normal human reaction.

What is philemaphobia

Philemaphobia is the name given to the fear of kissing. It is customary to distinguish between fear of the first kiss and fear of kissing as such. In the first case, it is enough to overcome the barrier once in order not to encounter problems in this area of ​​​​relationships in the future. If you are afraid of kisses as such, professional psychological treatment is indicated.

The fear of the first kiss is associated with the fear of rejection, fear of ridicule, fear of failure, fear of disgrace. This type of fear is more typical of men, since they are the ones who are expected to take the first steps. Fear of kisses as such is more often associated with personal psychological traumas and complexes. This type of fear is equally characteristic of both men and women.

This is interesting! Philemaphobes may be in close relationships, but they never resort to “calf tenderness,” especially kissing. In advanced stages, even kissing scenes in movies or kisses from other people in real life frighten the patient.

Create the atmosphere

What to do in such situations? How to overcome your fears and complexes? First, you need to learn to relax and not focus your thoughts solely on fear and embarrassment before a kiss. To do this, you need to create a comfortable atmosphere around you. You can organize a romantic date, fill the world around you with romance, turning on, for example, suitable music, try to be alone or abstract yourself as much as possible from prying eyes. Also, it is important to understand that at such a moment you don’t need to try to be perfect, you need to be yourself.

How does a phobia manifest itself?

The leading symptom is avoidance of close communication. This desire determines the remaining features of the life and behavior of a philemaphobe:

• tendency to solitude;
• chronic stress, anxiety, irrational fear;
• aversion to romance like films;
• narrowing of the circle of contacts, impoverishment of contacts with the opposite sex;
• panic attacks in those moments when someone tries to kiss a philemaphobe.

During a kiss, the patient experiences discomfort, anxiety and a feeling of fear worsen. The manifestations and strength of a panic attack depend on the characteristics of the course of the disease and its stage. Manifestations range from slight tremors in the limbs to irrational actions, for example, the patient may push or hit someone who is reaching out to him. Other people who are afraid to kiss may cry, scream, or run away.

In addition to psychological manifestations, a panic attack is accompanied by somatic changes:

• feeling of suffocation;
• frequent shallow breathing;
• cardiopalmus;
• chest pain;
• high blood pressure;
• shiver;
• dizziness;
• problems with coordination;
• dry mouth;
• increased sweating;
• chills;
• gastrointestinal disorder;
• a feeling of unreality of what is happening.

Is it possible on a first date?

In the past, kissing on the lips was considered a sign of frivolity. In today's society, such manifestations of feelings are treated more loyally. There is nothing wrong with a lady allowing herself to be kissed goodbye if there is a feeling of mutual sympathy between her and the man. But when she wants to seem mysterious, you should wait until the second meeting.

Female look

Every girl is a romantic at heart, even if she doesn't talk about it. For her, the first meeting is of great importance. It depends only on the lady’s decision on what date she will kiss, whether it will be the last or whether the communication will continue. Modern youth do not attach importance to such trifles and in vain. It is from the first meeting that a girl is able to understand whether a young man is right for her and whether she wants to build a further relationship with him. If a young lady wants to give the impression of a mysterious person, then it is better to postpone such a manifestation of sympathy until next time.

Men's opinion

Guys are more relaxed in this regard. They are always and with pleasure ready to kiss the girl they like if she gives her consent.

Whether this happens at a joint evening or not is unimportant. Of course, if the lady arouses sympathy in the young man, then the pleasure from the kiss will be greater

It doesn't have to happen on a date.

The main thing is that the desire to get closer and the feelings are mutual. There is even a “five date rule.” Its essence is that after the expiration of the specified period, the couple moves to a new stage of the relationship with all the accompanying manifestations of tenderness and sympathy.

Ethics view

Guys worry less about their moral character. Women are afraid that they will be considered frivolous and accessible, so they often think about this topic.

Several hundred years ago, for such frivolity, a man could be demanded satisfaction, and the lady’s honor would be irrevocably damaged. Today everything is much simpler, but according to the rules of etiquette, such an act is still unacceptable. But few people remember this. Misconceptions on this topic:

1. Only easily accessible young ladies do this. Not at all. This is the prerogative of brave, not promiscuous ladies. But you don’t need to be equal to them. Many men, while actively searching, prefer modest and shy people.
2. The young man has no serious intentions. A kiss with a girl says absolutely nothing about a man's future plans. It does not interfere with strong and high feelings at all.
3. The second meeting will definitely take place. Big misconception. On the first date, he does not give any guarantees of continuing the relationship. Whether the young people will meet again or not depends only on themselves.
4. After a kiss there must be sex. Incorrect statement. No one owes nothing to nobody. This is just idle speculation. He will not demand intimacy just because she allowed herself to be kissed.

Causes of phobia

For most people, the fear of touching their lips with their lips seems strange, but philemaphobes always have hidden reasons for this behavior. Most often it is a matter of psychological trauma , but in addition, fear can be caused by the costs of upbringing and character traits (disgust, shyness, complexes). Let's look at the probable reasons in more detail.

Disgust and disgust

A similar attitude towards the natural manifestation of love is found in childhood. But with moral teachings from parents, distrust of the world as such, dislike for people, fear of becoming infected with something, fear takes root and grows with the person.

This is interesting! A person who is afraid of becoming a source of an unpleasant odor constantly chews gum, uses air fresheners, and does not eat onions and garlic.

Negative experiences and unpleasant feelings

Violence, watching shocking scenes in films or real life, personal unpleasant experiences with kissing. For example, a child saw a horror film where some monster with a bloody mouth tried to kiss a girl, or saw a scene with violence (someone was kissed against his will). Or the person found himself in an awkward situation related to kissing. Or maybe someone made fun of him, humiliated him, saying that he was a disgusting kisser. Youthful bullying because a teenager has not yet been kissed can also cause trauma.

Associated phobias

The fear of kissing is often combined with the fear of falling in love. For such people, lip contact is a sign of increased emotional intimacy and the beginning of a relationship. They are afraid of becoming vulnerable, afraid of another painful breakup.

Fear of people of the opposite sex can also be a cause of fear. For example, a woman is still offended by some man or is afraid of him, because of this she cannot get close to other representatives of the stronger sex. And the fear of kissing a girl can be caused by negative memories in a man or fear of all women, virgins, and other categories of the fair sex.

Philemaphobia is associated with the following types of fears (the subject of fear is indicated in brackets):

• philophobia (love, affection);
• arrhenphobia (men);
• gynophobia (women);
• Gamophobia (marriage);
• genophobia (sex);
• mysophobia (infections, germs);
• Chiraptophobia (touching);
• Anuptaphobia (mistake when choosing a partner).

Bites and injuries

A playful kiss or an accidental bite due to inexperience can turn into real psychological trauma, especially if this happened in childhood or adolescence. Some parents instill fear in their children of kissing, for example, they say that this is how children are born, or that this is how you can lose your tongue or suffocate. Or maybe the child (teenager) was hit on the lips by his parents or opponent.

Complexity and shyness

Some people perceive hugs, kisses and other tactile contact as a violation of personal space. Maybe they are ready to bask with a person close to them in their understanding, but they are definitely not ready for routine kisses when they meet. This behavior is typical for shy, reserved, complex people and introverts, as well as reserved people with underdeveloped emotional intelligence.

It is important! Braces, pathologies and defects in the oral cavity often become the cause of complexes. But the cause of the complex may also be another defect, often fictitious. In both the first and second cases, the person is afraid of close contacts and considers himself unworthy.

About kissing in public places at different ages

At different times in our lives, we may have different attitudes towards kissing in public places. When we are happy and when we have our soulmate, it gives rise to pleasant feelings. We are happy to see that someone is also happy.

But when we are alone, and we see that someone is kissing in front of you, and you have no one to kiss, then this can cause irritation, or even envy, that they can touch each other and enjoy this state of love.

It happens that the age at which a couple kisses is annoying. When you see teenagers, it seems natural, but when older people kiss in front of you, then you can see a sexual connotation in this. Some people don't like it if someone . People are different and everyone has their own “cockroaches in the head”.

But in any case, the role of some kind of unnaturalness is played by established stereotypes

and public opinion. Therefore, an adult couple kissing on public transport can cause a negative reaction from grannies and those who have any prejudices in this regard.

Sometimes we cannot restrain our impulse and passion, and then it doesn’t matter to us how old we are, what others think, or what our hugs and kisses look like from the outside. After all, during this we don’t notice anyone around us except our soulmate, who is more valuable than the whole world...

People at risk

According to system-vector psychology, the risk group includes the following categories of people:

1. Skin vector. People with this type of psyche see threats everywhere. They imagine infections, viruses, and other dangers.
2. Anal vector. These are very categorical people who are not used to parting with their beliefs. An example is men who do not want to enter into relationships with women who have already had intimate experience.
3. Smell vector. They are repelled by the unpleasant smell.
4. Tactile vector. These people protect their skin in every way, perceiving it as a border between the external and internal world.
5. Visual vector. The reason is long-term observation of emotionless relationships, where one of the partners or both were cold, did not love each other, and suffered from philemaphobia.

You can interact with each of these people, if you take into account its characteristics.

It is important! Adolescents, suspicious and anxious individuals are at risk.

Bad breath

It is almost impossible to recognize this annoying little thing on your own. You can try though. Lifehacker wrote how to do this.

A nasty smell causes disgust, not a desire to continue and deepen the relationship. Therefore, when going on a date, brush your teeth, chew gum, rinse your mouth with water, or use other methods to get rid of unpleasant odor.

Hygiene procedures are a must if you:

• suffer from caries or gum damage;
• smoke;
• eat Bad Breath: Good and Bad Foods with strong-smelling seasonings like onions and garlic;
• are on a strict 17 Reasons Why Your Breath Smells Bad diet that restricts carbohydrates.

How to overcome fear and get rid of a phobia

The older the patient, the more difficult it is to cope with the phobia, but recovery can be achieved at any age. Success depends on the desire and activity of the person himself, and the correct treatment. That is why it is better to immediately contact a psychologist.

What you can do yourself

If pathology has not subdued you, and fear has not become obsessive, then you can do something yourself.

How to overcome fear and get rid of a phobia:

• Be careful if you wear braces or if you or your partner have a lip piercing;
• practice auto-training (self-hypnosis, reading affirmations in front of a mirror);
• Talk openly about your fears with your partner or loved one.

If you are embarrassed by the condition of your teeth or bad breath, then visit a dentist or gastroenterologist. A specialist will help solve the problem.

How to overcome the fear of the first kiss? You need to overcome the fear of failure and fear of rejection. First, you need to understand that refusals and failures happen to everyone. It's part of experience and development. Secondly, you need to learn to better understand other people and pick up non-verbal signals from the opposite sex.

Destroying Fears

Destroying fear involves getting closer to it. If you can kiss a loved one without a panic attack, then this can be considered a success. Instill in yourself the idea of ​​the irrationality of fear and get closer to it: viewing photos, videos, a personal kiss on the forehead, cheek, lips. It is recommended to use art therapy. And also in this matter, the support of your partner is important; only together can you overcome the barrier.

Kissing techniques for treatment

You can find dozens of kissing techniques on the Internet, but psychologists note that there is no universal and correct technique, just as no two people or relationships are the same. You need to learn to understand, listen, feel your partner. This is true in everything: conversation, caresses, kisses. However, one of the techniques is recognized as healing - the Japanese kiss technique.

Advice from psychologists

Professional treatment uses individual and group psychotherapy. First, with the help of psychoanalysis, a psychologist determines the root cause of fear. At the same time, the psychologist analyzes the characteristics of the client’s development and life, the leading traits of his character, worldview, and conditions of upbringing. Based on the history obtained, the psychologist offers a correction program and exercises for joint and independent work.

How to overcome the fear of the first kiss:

1. Imagine it. Feel the tastes, smells, emotions, feelings. Imagine your partner’s attractive behavior, advances on his part, and reciprocal attraction to you. Imagine the kiss itself in detail.
2. Remember one of the heroes of the film. Imagine yourself in the image of a macho (fatal beauty), get used to the role.
3. Remember any victory, not necessarily in the area of ​​intimate relationships.

All three methods help to gain self-confidence. If they don't help, then try the opposite method of getting rid of fear. Imagine the worst-case scenario. Having experienced the negative in advance, the psyche will not want to return to it again, the anxiety will ease.

Will he be good in bed

It is believed that the first kiss can tell a lot about your future relationship, including the most intimate details. In fact, most of the "techniques" used during the first kiss are used later in the bedroom. Therefore, you can easily decide whether you really want to take the relationship to a more intimate level.

Of course, it is important to pay attention not only to your partner’s lips, but also to the touch of his hands: how they move, which parts of your body they prefer to caress, etc. If your partner is very gentle and pays attention to literally your entire body when kissing, it is more than likely that he will do the same thing in bed

If your partner is very affectionate and pays attention to literally your entire body when kissing, it is more than likely that he will do the same in bed.

The danger and consequences of philemaphobia

Because of the fear of kissing, the quality of personal and intimate life suffers. Most philemaphobes refuse relationships altogether. A phobia does not interfere with everyday life, does not interfere with professional self-realization, but it spoils personal life and interferes with the building of love and family. The patient becomes a recluse, his life turns into a “home-work-home” system. If the patient is afraid of any kisses, even friendly ones, then any exit from the house turns into stress, then work and meetings with friends are also under threat.

It is important! Because of loneliness and internal torment, neuroses and depression develop. Constant tension leads to the development of psychosomatic diseases.

Manifestations of fear of kissing in humans

1. Panic attacks
   . If someone tries to kiss a person of this type, then let them prepare for the most negative consequences for themselves. At best, the philemaphobe’s hands will shake and his legs will begin to give way. In the worst case scenario, the provocateur has a real opportunity to receive a resounding slap in the face, which he does not always deserve.
2. Lack of control over one's own actions
   . In some situations, when trying to flirt in this way with a person who can’t stand kisses, you definitely won’t get away with just a slap in the face. Fists can literally be used, because every person has the so-called instinct of self-preservation in a threatening situation.
3. Tendency to solitude
   . Philemaphobes are very often ready to enter into intimate relationships with the opposite sex, but will not tolerate “calf tenderness” of a different kind. Not every potential partner will accept such strangeness, because in the subconscious they will feel a certain disgust towards their person. In most cases, he will simply stop contact with the hysterical chosen one, which will become a normal program for the philemaphobe in the future for relationships with the opposite sex.
4. Irrational fears
   . The wording itself suggests that a person’s fears for any reason are not the real reason for obvious panic. However, you can be afraid of the same sharks, even if you do not live in their habitat, which will not look strange. Fear of kisses cannot be a rational fear if people consider themselves adequate individuals.
5. Rejection of romantic films
   . Any episode in which a couple passionate about each other kisses can infuriate any philemaphobe. He can react quite calmly to thrillers and even horror films, but is unable to watch innocent scenes of two lovers meeting.
6. Limited circle of friends
   . If a person has a severe form of fear of kissing, then he will be wary of communicating with the opposite sex. This pattern of behavior is not a 100% fact of the possible behavior of a philemaphobe, but in most cases everything happens exactly according to the announced pattern.

WHAT WILL WE SPEAK ABOUT?

Guessing what a young lady thinks about you, and even more so, what she feels, is a task that is obviously doomed to failure. Women usually cannot give a definite answer to such a question themselves, so we will not go into this jungle.

It’s better to use this time profitably and work on how to kiss a girl on the lips for the first time and leave an unforgettable impression.

How it works? You have two options:

1. Let everything take its course and hope that her feelings for you are very strong. If this is so, then whatever the first kiss is, it will be normal. But, again, this is a risky step that does not work in all cases.
2. Take some time to learn how to kiss a girl on the lips for the first time. Below are tips based on years of experience. They can be applied to any woman, regardless of age and character.

Even if you are inclined to the first option, this knowledge may be useful to you in the future.

Our main goal during the first kiss is to achieve bright, positive emotions in the girl and the desire to continue. As soon as she understands that she feels good with you, you can proceed to the next stages of your relationship.

There will be other articles about this period, but now we will dwell in more detail on the topic “How to kiss a girl for the first time on the lips.”

It is quite possible to influence her impression of you during a kiss. This may seem a little boring to you, but the main thing is that it works.

There is no point in talking about deep feelings for a new girl . After all, we are not trying to please those young ladies to whom we have no romantic or sexual attraction.

If you are asking questions about how to kiss a girl for the first time, then this automatically proves that her opinion is important to you and you want to please her.

This is a completely normal reaction, because not all men are insensitive sex machines.

First of all, we develop a strategy. These tips are not step-by-step. You just need to familiarize yourself with them and create your own individual action plan.

Perhaps some things will not be useful to you, but some will be vital.

So, from philosophy to action.

How long should a first kiss last?

One of the confusing questions about most first kisses is how long should it last?

It's better to keep it short and sweet than to awkwardly linger with your lips pressed against hers or torment the girl with your swirling tongue. Remember that this should be pleasant, you should feel a little hot, your heart rate should increase.

If you like it, you can step away for a few seconds and then come back again. This allows you to take a break and make the kiss more sexual.

At the end you can say the magic phrase:

"I've wanted to kiss you for so long"

This statement works great and has a very positive effect on the girl.

A few important rules

If a guy doesn’t know how to kiss, he needs to remember a few rules for this ritual.

1. The first contact of lips should not be aggressive. There is no need to stick your tongue down your partner's throat or bite her hard.
2. You need to bow your head, look into the eyes, move your nose a little to the side and gently touch the girl’s lips.
3. Move the tip of your tongue over her lips, you can stick it slightly into her mouth and move the tip there.
4. After the kiss, gently hug your chosen one and whisper kind words in her ear.

There are often cases when a girl takes the initiative. It’s quite possible to do this delicately and unobtrusively while, for example, saying goodbye to a guy after a romantic walk.

If a girl doesn’t know how to kiss, she first needs to free herself from the constraining fear and forget about the phrase “I can’t do it.” We all once did not know how to do something, but over time we corrected this shortcoming. There is nothing shameful in this situation.

Every person is constantly learning something and exploring new horizons. And the ability to kiss correctly can hardly be considered an exception to this rule. The main thing is desire, and skills will come and be honed with experience.

Is he confident enough in himself?

The way your partner prepares for their first kiss can indicate their level of confidence. Does he nervously finger a bunch of keys before leaning towards you? Is he trying to force a kiss on you? On the other hand, does the girl respond to this kiss by throwing her hands on the shoulders of her chosen one?

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In short, a confident person knows perfectly well what he is doing and why, which means he will not regret it later. Therefore, if you feel confident in your partner's kiss and know for sure that he feels the same in you, it is likely that this relationship will last a very long time.

Another sign of confidence is that your partner is not afraid to give a compliment or comment on what happened. If he boldly shows his emotions after the first kiss, it means that he has nothing to hide from you in the future.

Be careful with manipulations

It is important to remember: manipulation never works in the long term. If you play cold, he will simply (and quite naturally) decide that he is not interested in you

If this activates him, it means that your chosen one is focused not on making a woman happy, but on taming the obstinate.

In general, any attempts to “squeeze” sympathy out of a person are doomed to failure: by clinging to pride, a sense of possessiveness and other lower emotions, you will be with him just until the time when he stops experiencing them. That is, until the moment when he conquers you.

The wall will be destroyed, rivals will be defeated, his ego will breathe a sigh of relief and will send you on your way as unnecessary.

Less panic

Most of all, girls worry that such an important event will be ruined. As soon as we talk about the first date, we start to panic that nothing will work out.

But for everything to go well, you need to get rid of fear. As long as partners are afraid of each other, act stiff and embarrassed, the more likely they are to get an awkward kiss.

Watching romantic films will help you get into the right frame of mind and remove panic.

It’s not surprising when girls are overcome by the fear that a failed first kiss could ruin everything. Building a romantic relationship is not an easy task

It is important to realize that the kiss is not their defining factor. You should tune in to the fact that there are no bad kisses

This is one of the most beautiful phenomena existing in the world.

Kissing techniques

A variety of techniques will help you understand how to properly excite a guy with kisses. For example, you can tease him by gently touching his erogenous zones with your lips. This will awaken his desire. The main thing is to understand your partner and carefully monitor his reaction. This is how you can find out what gives him more pleasure.

You can also look closely at your lover before kissing. This will help add some mystery and mystery. The man will be excited to see what awaits him next.

Such techniques can warm up any guy. Therefore they need to be used. But the main thing is to do it right.

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