- August 31, 2019
- Psychology of relationships
- Natali Michaelis
Sometimes it happens that feelings of love and passion in a couple gradually subside. Just recently, your husband was an ideal role model for you, and now a pleasant and cozy world is gradually beginning to collapse? Is it possible to stop this train of rupture, which is tirelessly moving towards its goal, or is it still better not to even think about how to save a relationship on the verge of divorce? In our article you will learn a lot of useful information on this matter.
Try to find a reason
Have you thought about how to save a relationship on the verge of breaking up? Psychology gives several detailed questions to this answer, but first you must decide on the reasons that led to the subsidence of your feelings or even mutual hatred. It is worth noting that absolutely any marriage can be saved - you just need to know all the sore spots that lead to scandals between you and your spouse.
The speed of normalization of relations directly depends on the degree of attachment of two people to each other. Some couples cannot even live a day without seeing the smile of their loved one, others prefer to be alone all their free time, only occasionally remembering the existence of their chosen one. In the following sections you will find the most common reasons why relationships break up.
Polygamy
Have you decided to save your relationship with your girlfriend? Then first you should decide on the reason that could lead to a possible rupture. The most common of them is polygamy - the reluctance of one of the partners to accept their other half as one and only. Sometimes in couples it happens that both parties cheat on each other. Subconsciously, no one wants to be abandoned, but they continue to betray their loved one, forgetting to put themselves in his place.
Statistics show that men cheat most often in relationships, but every year there are more and more women prone to polygamy, which is completely contrary to nature itself. If in the case of a man everything is more or less clear - the natural instincts of a male are difficult to overcome, and a girl can still forgive her betrayal of her boyfriend, then the opposite is unlikely to ever happen. No self-respecting man would forgive his lover for sleeping with someone else. Because of this, we have to resort to breaking up.
Three of my novels ended the same...
Five years ago, I was in despair: I couldn’t understand why my relationships with men were constantly not working out. Three of my big novels ended the same way - I was abandoned. Without scandals, without betrayals and practically without explanations, men packed up their things and simply disappeared from my life.
Having experienced the last pain of separation, I decided to analyze all the situations. And I was amazed when I discovered that all three times I myself had built relationships according to the
same scenario.
I myself behaved in such a way that it inevitably led to a breakup!
Later, after reading a dozen books on psychology, I realized what my mistakes were. I was able to change, and now I know exactly how to maintain a relationship. I have been happily married for five years now and remember past love failures with a smile.
In this article I want to share my own experience, stories from the lives of my friends and my knowledge. I sincerely hope that this will help you stop repeating negative scenarios and find harmony and happiness with your chosen ones!
High expectations
More and more people have recently begun to wonder how to save relationships. Psychology says that most people try to imagine themselves, when meeting a person they like, from a better side than they really are. After which your partner may have high expectations about your character. Showed gallantry on all dates, but when you lived together, you started throwing socks all over the house and drinking beer every evening? A rather cliched example, but it fits perfectly. If you want to avoid this in the future, be sure to introduce yourself when meeting someone only as the person you really are. Then the girl will be able to love you not for your fake character, but for something else.
Complex nature
Sometimes you just get into a relationship with a person with a very complex character who is not able to tolerate some of the actions of his partner. Most often this happens when the relationship involves partners with a large age difference. For example, if a 25-year-old guy finds himself a 16-year-old girl, then she will have to come to terms with a lot, since her character is still in constant development. The guy will never accept the erroneous worldview with which he himself lived as a teenager, so the girl will have to be flexible and adapt to her gentleman. However, there are also those individuals who categorically refuse to change for the sake of their loved one. Because of this, a break in the relationship may well occur. The man will simply find a more flexible girl, and the proud person will remain alone.
How to save a relationship with your loved one?
Finally, we have come to the main question of the article, which will allow us to figure out how to save a couple that is on the verge of breaking up. In the following sections you will find a lot of useful information describing popular techniques that allow you to preserve or return old feelings. Such methods are suitable for both married people and a young couple who have recently started dating. If you choose the right technique for yourself and learn to use it perfectly, then you will never again have the question of what to do if your relationship is on the verge of breaking up.
Crisis is time for change
A crisis is an ideal time for change. And the result of these changes depends on your reaction to it. What to do to get out of the crisis with minimal losses? First of all, figure out and find the reasons why the relationship has reached a dead end. Once you understand what happened, you will see a way out.
Advice: at the time of a family crisis, a woman should focus her attention not on the man, but on herself.
Next, I will give recommendations on how to resolve the conflict and get out of the family crisis. There are certain stages that lead to saving a relationship (if people still want to save it).
Turn on self-monitoring mode
It’s hard to imagine something more terrible than an offended woman who began to spill out the power of her emotions. She takes out all the accumulated negativity on her lover and doesn’t even allow him to catch his breath, after which she wonders why her man is leaving for someone else. Yes, it is extremely undesirable to keep everything to yourself, but if you want to save your marriage, then you should take a short break and not blame your soulmate for all mortal sins. Yes, finding a flaw in yourself can be extremely difficult, but in most cases, both parties are to blame for the breakdown of a relationship. In addition, it may be much more difficult for a man to cope with a large number of strong emotions, since their psyche is much weaker.
Forgive your loved one for past mistakes
If you don’t want to one day lead your relationship to collapse, then stop reminding your significant other about the mistakes you’ve made. Yes, you were once inflicted with severe pain as a result of a rash act, but you should not remind your partner of this every time the opportunity arises, since such relationships become extremely uncomfortable over time. Understand the fact that you yourself are far from an angel. Yes, perhaps you don’t have such negative experiences behind you as your other half, but everyone has their shortcomings. Try to notice only the good in each other, and then you will have a chance to start your relationship from scratch.
“Woman, I don’t dance...”__8230
It cannot be said that the main component of a relationship is sex, but one of the most, that’s for sure. Therefore, if your partner refuses you sex for any reason, ring the bells, because this is an alarming sign. It’s good if you know why he doesn’t “dance” with you, for example, illness or fasting. But if this is not the case, then perhaps the reason is another woman.
A more difficult option is if you yourself feel sympathy for another man, and therefore do not want sex with the current one. Then definitely the existence of your couple will soon come to an end.
Share interests with your loved one
A strong relationship occurs when both partners promote the same interests and values. Try to remember how long ago you were doing the same thing as your spouse. Perhaps it's time to join him during a video game. Or just sit next to him and watch him make something with his own hands. Hubby disappears all the time fishing? Buy a few beers and pizza and go with him. At first, such activities will seem extremely ridiculous and funny to you, but if your spouse appreciates your enthusiasm properly, he will begin to look at your relationship from a different perspective. And if you really get involved in the business that your lover is doing, then there will be no limits to mutual happiness.
I don't mean much to him
If your partner means a lot to you, but does not reciprocate your feelings, such a relationship usually creates pain and low self-esteem.
In couples' relationships, it is quite common for one to love more and the other to love less. One is more interested in the other than the other is in him. There is nothing wrong with this, but if the difference in the strength of feelings is too great, it will be harder for the one who loves more.
If you are crazy about your partner, dreaming of being with him all the time, but he does not share your enthusiasm, intending to meet you only from time to time, then it is better for you not to see each other at all.
When I was dating Martin, I thought about him all day long. I pitied him in every possible way and felt deep affection for him. He had a difficult childhood, problems of various kinds often arose, and I tried to help and gave good advice. We rarely talked about me and my life. After all, everything was fine with me, so Martin didn’t ask me anything. When I started telling him about my life and hobbies, he, in my opinion, only pretended that he was interested
.
I took the initiative as best I could, suggesting, for example, going to the cinema or just taking a walk. Every word had to be pulled out of him with pincers. In the end, I felt unwanted and broke up with him. Our relationship has come to an end. It seems to me that this was necessary, although for a long time afterwards I could not come to my senses.
Kamma, 42 years old
In relationships with parents, everything is just as difficult, especially if a person has not yet managed to become significant in their eyes. Perhaps you find yourself in the shadow of a brother whose parents are prouder of you.
When I came to visit my parents, they began to praise my brother, telling me how well he was doing, that he had passed his exams, received excellent grades and now had every chance of finding a great job. As soon as I started talking about my internship, they immediately got bored.
Kasper, 24 years old
Some people completely forget about their family, where they feel like a black sheep, and any attempt to talk with their parents turns into disappointment for them.
Adult children who have experienced their parents' divorce often feel like second-class citizens in their father's new family. The examples below confirm this.
When planning to go to my father, I usually find out only at the last moment when he will be home. In addition, he is always afraid that I may not have enough space in his house if the children of his new wife from a previous marriage, their common children or friends suddenly come to them.
Hannah, 24 years old
[…] The feeling of one’s own uselessness and uselessness is no less painful than unrequited love. If you experience similar feelings when communicating with a person and talking about it with him did not lead to anything good, try to meet less often or spend less time on it, focusing on other relationships.
However, when it is difficult for you as a parent to win the favor of your child, do not break off relations with him under any circumstances, even ashamed of your failure in the eyes of the second parent or his friends. After all, the task of parents is to be ready to lend a helping hand to their children in difficult times, even if they don’t remember them at all. Make sure that you are important to your child, who at times still needs your support, even if sometimes you doubt it.
Learn to rely and trust
How to save a relationship with your husband that is on the verge of collapse? Try to learn to trust your lover, because he can feel on a subconscious level when you have shown distrust of him. Such relationships turn into living with an enemy who constantly keeps his soulmate at gunpoint and does not allow her to relax. Learn to show trust even in the most difficult situations. If your significant other wanted to cheat on you, they would probably find a way to do it without you suspecting anything. Also learn to rely on your lover, because a man always likes to feel like a supporter in the family and to see how his woman believes in him.
React to expressions of feelings
How can you save a relationship with your loved one when there is mutual trust between you? Perhaps the reason for the fading of feelings lies in the inability of one of the lovers to correctly accept gifts and compliments. Perhaps it is worth understanding that not only diamonds and bouquets of hundreds of roses are worthy of admiration. If your boyfriend selflessly looked after you when you were sick, be sure to thank him and do not take such an act for granted. Any displays of gallantry, care and attention must be properly appreciated, otherwise the man will feel that he doesn’t really need your attention. Even a small thing can be noted and some kind of reciprocity can be shown. Did your boyfriend run to the store in the middle of the night to buy Belgian waffles for you? Be sure to hug him and tell him how good and kind he is. Mutual gratitude carries enormous weight in modern relationships.
Stage No. 2. Treatment of severe conditions
The second stage of resuscitation of problematic relationships is the treatment of severe conditions. What is it about? As I already said, it all starts with the atmosphere in the family. It is a woman, her emotions, that feeds a man. For this reason he married her. Because she was light, funny, cool. She pleased him, calmed him, pacified him, delighted him.
And then after some short time, usually 2-3 years, everything goes bad. She becomes “heavy,” and he, accordingly, is not very happy around her. At first, the danger is not visible, since everything rests on love. But then the conflicts begin to escalate and she tells him everything she has been silent about.
Severe conditions are destructive feelings: resentment, anger, pity, guilt, hatred, disrespect, contempt. This is the path to degradation. But remember that behind all this lies the love that was between you initially.
Why is the woman still silent? Because she's scared. She thinks that if she tells the truth that she is hurting at this moment, then: he will leave, she will be left alone, what if he doesn’t understand, what if he doesn’t love such an imperfect, living woman who has feelings. She is convinced that there should be no bad feelings. But, dear girls, we are all living people and every person has negative feelings and emotions.
People are endowed with the physical ability to speak, so they can negotiate. But their fears do not allow them. Every day, month, year, these difficult feelings accumulate.
And a crisis is like spring cleaning in a relationship. If you do it, your house will be clean and the atmosphere will be good. If not, everything will collapse. If, for now, it’s difficult for you to imagine how to do this “spring cleaning,” come to the free online course “Man: honest instructions for use. No drama or manipulation.”
Stop complaining all the time
What to do if the relationship is on the verge of breaking up? Perhaps the reason lies in the fact that you constantly complain to your loved ones about how bad your spouse is? Sometimes it’s quite nice to buy a bottle of wine so that you and your friend can wash your soulmate’s bones. Where would you be without your mother’s warm breast, where you can always cry? However, be extremely careful in this regard. If you are constantly looking for outside support, throwing mud at your soulmate, then unkind rumors about your spouse will gradually spread throughout the world, spreading like a plague. Sooner or later, someone close to you will get into your relationship, and then there will be trouble. Who wants to tolerate a spouse who constantly talks about you behind your back in a negative context. Therefore, we strongly recommend giving up this bad habit of constantly complaining.
At first it may be extremely difficult for you to restrain yourself, but psychologists have come up with a rather interesting trick that allows you to release negative emotions without harming anyone. Write down all the bad things you think about your husband on a piece of paper, and then be sure to burn it. It sounds simple, but this method is very effective. Over time, you will give up on him too, because you yourself will learn to see only the positive sides in your lover.
Become an outlet for your significant other
Many people start relationships precisely so that they always have someone to rely on and someone to talk to in difficult times. A real wife knows how not only to cook borscht and make dumplings, but also to support her lover in time if he is worried about problems at work. The true and irreplaceable woman is the one who always understands her other half perfectly and supports her in difficult times. No man wants to leave a relationship in which he is comfortable.
You must learn to inspire your lover to various achievements in one area or another, remaining faithful and devoted even at the moment when the rest of the world simply turns away from him. Become a real muse for him that will inspire him every morning. To do this, it is not at all necessary to be a vest for him, into which he can cry if something happens. You just need to be able to choose the right words in difficult times. Perhaps the man will not even understand that he was inspired by you, but his subconscious will never allow him to commit a rash act by breaking off relations with you.
He burdens me with his problems
If your partner shifts problems onto you that he himself is not going to solve, it is wiser to break off the relationship with him, which is what Sanna did in the example below:
For a long time, my mother was worried about dentures. She often clashed with the dentist and refused to pay bills for his work, not seeing positive results. One day she became completely furious when the dentist hinted to her about her mental problems.
When I came to visit her, she dumped a whole bunch of her dental problems on me, hoping that I would start to indulge her, but this only made me feel worse.
Sanna, 34 years old
In this case, no matter how many times Sanna listened to her mother’s complaints about the dentist, she would not be able to solve her dental problems. Instead of wasting energy pointlessly on this, it is better for her to focus on her own children.
Sanna tried to stop her mother’s flow of words: “Mom, I’m just your child. I shouldn't have to solve your problems. I'm tired of hearing about your teeth. I hope this was the last time." At first, the mother was angry with her daughter, feeling like a victim, but she stopped talking about her problems. And it was a smart decision, otherwise she could lose Sanna.
It is quite difficult to listen to the constant complaints of a relative or friend about the same problems that he does not try to solve on his own and does not ask for help with this.
